Day 683 The archetype of the caregiver. My journey to life.

The Caregiver Archetype

Placing value in being needed by others.

This has been character that I have been aware of for some time. I realize that this is not being self responsible, it is seeking meaning through being needed by others. It is character picked up from my mother.  It involves worrying  about others and where they are within themselves. 

This is myself wanting to fix what is going on in others, as my immediate family and friends etc., ironically focusing on them to make sure they are  moving in ways that support them. It is being a mother as I define it,  instead of focusing on being responsible myself. 

It is like having something to worry about to give myself purpose.

Yet it is not really a purpose, because it is not myself modeling being practical in respect of physical reality to enable self responsibility to be what is developed. Instead it is an act of self interest. It is avoiding being present here and being self responsible, I am in effect avoiding being myself, and being responsible as life as who and what I really am.  It is as though I have no real faith in life. I am the one accepting this, as no one can be this for me, only I can.

It also means that I must look at how I am fearing to really stand up and be real, be present, respect all that is here. This would mean stepping out of this role, and naturally causing conflict with what has been accepted and allowed on this earth, that is so visible all around, which is a lack of accepting respect for this actual real world, as the physical in the face of others as the society of men who have moved in self interest, instead of being themselves as life which is to be and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide from being self responsible within and as believing that worrying about my children, or what is going on in the world, as something that gives me meaning, or purpose, when this is an abdication of myself as life, an abdication of respect for and as life here, as life is physical, and practical, mathematical, thus it is more to model and live this respect to allow others to become practical through what it is that I focus upon as what is real, as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from myself as life as the presence of myself here, naturally able as life to respect  the physical and live the practice of being physical which is a practice of being practical and focused in common sense of reality, as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that being a caregiver is being in respect of the physical and the practical nature of living as being physical as that which is right here in front of me, and is me, equal and one here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that being life, that caring for life, means paying respect as in focusing here, considering all things and being present as focused equal and one with and as the physical, where each and every human being can practice in common sense of what is here, realizing, as self realizing what is best for all, which is what is best for self, thus it is for myself to express the care of being present here, which is being myself,  where as this there is no need to seek meaning as I am life, as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself as life, as placing value in being needed by others, which is a  separation from being in common sense of what is real, as what is right in front of me as the physical world here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within and as thinking about caring for another,  I am in effect allowing a belief that I am stronger than others and causing  myself to become a state of worry and fear about them, not seeing realizing and understanding that I am also believing them to be weak,  which is focusing on weakness instead of being present here, in the practice of being life, as this is a physical world where the real care is to be present and in respect of the practical common sense of a visible physical world that is built in common sense practical ways, the gift of life, something that can be understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being focused here, as this appears to be difficult when in reality this is the gift of life to be understood to accept creation and to enjoy creation here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in placing myself in being a care giver, I am accepting a belief that I am stronger and another is weaker,  a value judgement,  which is a fear of being myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, which is a lack of presence in equality and oneness in respect of the practical that is the physical world around me, a nature that moves as solution to and towards the rewards being life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, as this is a separation from living common sense of the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in worrying about another, I am not here, present and focused on the practice of life, as the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to call what is here by name, and in so doing, call the respect of life, in and as every word I speak here, to sound what is real, and thereby model life, to self empower through the focus of who and what I am, as life, here, where being myself as life, reverberates as who and what I am, where the living and being of and as this is clear so that what is expressed is life and what is attended to is life, where what I am as what I do is life in every moment, as this presence and focus is shared as who and what I am here as the natural ability to absorb what is here, and express respect for what is here as the physical, is visible, as being self responsible for and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of worrying about others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, not seeing realizing and understand that this is myself believing that I am stronger than another, which is being a belief within myself, and not myself being focused here, in respect of what is life in expression, that is mathematical and of and as common sense here.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understand that being present here, as the focus of myself is a practical movement, in respect of the physical,  which means being the practice of respecting the formation of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use the guise of care to place value in being needed by others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about others, to worry about my children, to worry about people in my life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect care to worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define care within worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from the word care and from worry through defining care within worry in separation from myself .

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself as life, through creating a value around caring for others as what I allow to define me, in separation from respecting life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within and as the limited value system, I accepted and allowed myself to become a character of care to give myself value, as I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within a narrow means of self interest in survival, and defined myself as not being pretty enough, and within this self pity, I then project this outwards to avoid seeing myself’s own limited accepted and allowed value judgements, to avoid being practical here, as in standing through the storm of this as what men have accepted and allowed, where I was a child, and instead of being practical in common sense of all life as who and what I am and the means that absorbed the limited value system. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a belief that I lacked in one value which was a starting point of judgement, and choose another to define who and what I am,  all within and as a fear of being practical and respectful of all life, understanding form and function of what is a physical life in formation here as this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this, having accepted a belief that ‘ I am not pretty enough’ which is a separation from being practical here, as a physical being,  I accepted and allowed a limited value system.

 I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that within and as allowing this judgement I believed in limited values and moved into survival before life, seeking to survive/profit from values in separation from the practice of who and what I am, as a physical life information. 

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand such a separation would lead to confusion and bewilderment in self directing self in ways that cause no harm to myself and others, on this physical, practical and mathematical world that is life information.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as a child, as myself as life, I absorbed the life that was around me, as my parents, and within this, practiced what I measured as what I was exposed to, and believed this to be more real than the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the mis-takes on reality as the physical, accepting and allowing value judgements to define who and what I am would do, and in following these value judgements,  absorbed from my mother, and the adults around me, I separated from practical common sense of who and what I am as a physical beingness, and through this allowance became the consequence of and as bewilderment when I allowed limited values to direct me that lead to an absence of respect for the physical world leading to mistakes on reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the consequence of accepting limited values as beliefs about who and what I am as I move into this narrow focus as ideas about a good and bad, specifically as a belief that I am not pretty enough and choosing another value as ' care' to define who and what I am, a false positive as this is a guise to be ' good' in order to survive when overall this is an abdication of myself as life.

To be continued. Thank you for reading!

Day 542 Self forgiveness on looking for a purpose.

I had a long talk with a woman today. It was fun, because she had realized that the people in her world, were not using their common sense. She could see this all around her, and that herself trying to resolve this all the time was pointless, meaning she had to be true to herself. This was common sense. She had to let go of guilt, of believing she was bad because she was no longer supporting others in ways that she had her whole life. It was time to do what was best for her. And if others did not like this, then tough.

This does not mean she shut people out, it just means that she communicated, but when the communication as what she attempted to say in common sense, was not what was wanted, and the other reacted, she simply walked away.

I was with others last night, it being Easter. And at one point I noticed I reacted because the response was contrary to what I wanted to express. I slowed down and allowed the other to speak, afterwards, simply because of the rhythm of the evening, I did not take what was said and follow through. But this happens, so I just let it go.

I am dealing with what I call a point of being responsible. Meaning simply being within practical reality, where I do not need to coerce, as what is practical and functional, is right here. It needs no justification. It simply means to walk how here, as this physical existence works - of which the only solution is to do what is best for all, and that this is what is best for self.

I notice a resistance to this, as though failure to convey this, will show up in failure. That consequences down the line will be because there is still a pull to want to fit in. But fitting in is an illusion, because I am here on a mechanistic world, that is an order that allowed life to exist.

So, nature is a naturally organizing system, it is the idea of more, that separates men from what enables life, which is the physical world.

If this very simple realization becomes the understanding of men, this whole world will change very fast. Somehow, that which is simple is lost, and the discord of beliefs of more and less, complicate, and it is this complication that is causing the loss of common sense. Everyone is lost in their own self interest, their inner rest of ideas that have been made more than the life that is here around us.

So, in having this idea, that I have to succeed, I begin to race and become moralistic, within wanting to explain reality. I had wanted to explain that one way was more than the way this other person believed was okay.

Really, there was nothing right or wrong about what was stated. The structure as the belief, was not good or bad, it was how this is realized practically at the moment within a system that in total is in separation from common sense.

That I tell myself that I am not responsible for others, means that I still feel responsible, because I am at war within myself about this. I cannot be here if I am still feeling that I need some validation from others, that there is something I am supposed to do, which I now realize has been a thought that I have had in life. This thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is a problem, and within this to have this thought that “ there is something I am supposed to do.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that having a belief, as a thought, that “ there is something I am supposed to do” is myself believing that i am special, in some way, that I have some purpose, where if I look at this, this idea of a purpose, is ambiguous, and has no real grounding here with reality, it is something, like a ghostly entity that i have as mind  about reality, and as this, I allow myself to chase a metaphysical idea about having a purpose, instead of realizing myself equal and one to and as , with here, reality, standing in common sense as what I am as a human being, here, and as such, this, simply, is my “ purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory of myself believing that there is something I am supposed to understand, something that I am supposed to grasp and understand, as myself as a child, talking and interacting with adults.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine if I could just get the point, as what is being said to me in the past as my childhood then I would understand the purpose being taught to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become anxious within and as this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this slight movement within and as me, this anxiety, where I believe that there is some purpose, something that I must understand as a belief that I don;t understand, and as such am not seeing the purpose which is overall not real, and I keep trying to make this separation as an idea, real, when this remains here as an idea within and as me, because it really has no substance, and as such no place to go, because it has no connection, no reality to it, because it is in separation from practical reality, as being here, equal and one, with and as what i am as the form of me, as a man on earth, reveals the purpose of myself as life formation, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to sense the measure of myself here, as this, as within this I divide the very focus of me, as the substance of me, as the common sense of me, into an image that has no real definition or ability to sustain, because it cannot, because what is real, is that which is physically manifest , which is the physical world, as this is the gift of creation, the form of life, which is to include all life, where life is the value, and work with this as the very fabric of what enables life to be, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look here, and see that this thought - has no bearing on life other than separation leading to destruction if made more real than the physical - and it is just this a thought that hovers, here, endlessly, because it is in separation, is not equal to me as life, connected to reality as the physical, the way and means of being in life expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some purpose I must seek and find, when I cannot move, unless i am here, as the physical is what gives purpose,as the physical is life, thus, I can only be the purpose of life, in equality and oneness with and as the physical world here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the back chat within this context of this thought, “ it must be here”, “ if I can only see the purpose of myself,” “ if I only understood more than I would find my purpose,” not seeing realizing and understanding that this purpose seeking is just this, purpose seeking, and as such my mind traveling in some alternate reality, and not myself here, equal and one with and as the physical which is how and what i am here, able to be and express myself as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that somehow, i missed the train, because this question in and as my mind that is myself wondering around life “ Hans guck in die Luft” is a state of being that is in separation from practical common sense reality of what it means to exist in expression as life, as life must have form to be in expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then, at times become the thought - as I attempt to create an ideological “ purpose” to believe that no one understands me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have backchat that no one understands me, which within this voice in and as my mind, this back chat, is myself allowing myself to spin around in an idea of needing a purpose and as such believing that if I had a purpose, then I would be successful or have meaning, all of this, a separation from practical common sense reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as anxiety within and as this, as though I may be less than, because I have not discovered some purpose, and that others may find out and realize that I have no purpose, to which I blame myself because I did not, for example, “ work hard “ enough to have found my purpose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that somehow I did not work hard enough to “ find my purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be this belief, creating a physical anxiety  that “ If only - then - I could find my purpose, everything would be fine.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I have not found myself “ purpose” I will have failed at life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a feeling of shame, at this thought about purpose, where i believe that I failed life, because I did not find my purpose.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to hide, based on this idea, as this thought “ that i had to find my purpose.”

I forgive myself for allowing and and accepting myself to believe that my purpose if to “ save the world,” which is to exist as a belief that the world needs to be saved and that somehow my purpose is to be this, when this is the separation, in and as an idea in and as my mind, that is the being of myself moving away from common sense, which is to be equal and one to and as the physical as the physical is the purpose of life in expression.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this belief in purpose, is myself allowing myself to become anxious, feeling heavy and crestfallen as I judge myself having failed my purpose, which is overall the illusion and as this illusion as belief, myself in separation from what is right here in front of me, which is life in expression as an order, within and as what works information, which is the physical, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, conversely  fear not having a purpose.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that allowing myself to exist as this idea of purpose, as this thought that “ if only I could find my purpose, or the purpose of life,” I am ignoring what is right here in front of me, hidden behind my own self interest of wanting more than what is here in common sense as physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become physically crest fallen, in and as an idea that I have not found my “ purpose.”

When and as I find myself tensing up within conversations, and or community, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see , realize and understand that this physical sense of my “ crest” falling, is myself reacting based on a belief, and as such, myself not being equal and one, in common sense of physical reality.

When and as I find myself having a thought about “ purpose,” I stop and I breath and i bring myself here, and I see, realize and understand that the purpose of life is simply right here, as the physical, information as life, as the order and structure of the physical is the gift of life, here.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious, in and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I bring myself here, equal and one with and as the physical to see , realize and understand that the purpose is life, here.

When and as I find myself believing that there is a “ more” than, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that if I am occupied as mind as a thought that “ I must have a purpose” that I am no longer, here, focused, equal and one, with and as the physical.