Day 684 Continuation of the Caregiver Archetype. Day 2.

In relation to the caregiver archetype, I have had pressure on the back of my neck for some time. Also, there appears to be some pressure behind my eyes. When I would go and look at the pressure behind my eyes, I would experience thoughts about my sisters. It was that my sisters and I all look the same, especially around our eyes. 

I had also realized that this had to do with worry about others. And it is a character I have even discussed with one of my sisters. It is that ‘ my mother always must have something to worry about’  One day, within this I noticed a heaviness coming from the bottom of the eye down into the check, and this was sadness, much like the clown pictures where the eyes are painted to look sad. I define this ‘ presence’ as the weight of the world, as though it is all sad. This sadness is creating a definition about the world without having any real details. Behind sadness is a giving up about the world, where the self believes that no change can happen, and/or myself is good because myself tried, so it is not myself’s fault. This is turning a negative into a good, where I, as this self in this situation, define myself as good.  I become a belief that I was/am responsible. Yet this is a polarized and charged belief. It is not the practice of solution, it is the practice of justification.

It is like, or is, that I move as a body of knowledge and information as ideas, beliefs and opinions instead of being practical and looking at the details of the physical. To remember here, that if the adults in the world around us are moving as knowledge and information, and as absorbent beings, we take this in and practice it day in and day out, in our formative years, then we become this, and mis-take reality through a lack of practice in attention to the details of what is the means of this knowledge and information memory that develops by default of not practicing becoming aware of the physical world around us as who and what we really are as the starting point.

I look back in my immediate past and one question I had asked myself is how to develop community, as in how to develop relationships where I never had to lie, as not being self honest would bring burdens and cause the development of relationships that would not stand as a community.  I realized, or so I believed that I had little if no practice in building relationships that developed long term trust, where there was an ease and respect, with no sense of ever needing to lie. 

In a moment, as a movement, I remember one time physically leaning towards another person, like to force this kind of relationship. It was like a pull in a direction instead of an assessment in real time.  I remember thinking ‘ what was that” lol.

Since I have allowed myself to move as knowledge and information, the switch from this habit to real time awareness, takes time, as catching the accepted and allowed habits, decoding them, and being practical is a new practice for me, I must give myself empathy to review and investigate every move that I am from one moment to the next. This need not become a burden, because in the practice of and as this, the gift is in the doing,  to develop recognition of what I have accepted and allowed as a measure within myself and the practical steps as what it means to be present and live here, equal and one to life, as physical in formation.

If I go into an idea, with any charged value, I create an agenda, or expectation, and as a consequence am not here, present and attentive to reality, the physical.  I am racing within myself, as knowledge and information. 

I am competing. I am in survival mode. Within this, the inversion from moving as knowledge and information into being present as life will not happen. And I end up scaring myself, based on my expectations as to what the future may or may not bring or exist as. Within being this science of the mind only, being here is lost.  And, I lose all significance because my directives are insignificance, as false positives that are justifications based on expectations that are essentially ideas, and I become a general sense of sadness.  

Interesting at this point in writing, I remember my father reprimanding me about something, and telling me I am not smart enough. His voice is charged. It is as though he is disappointed that I was not responsible,  more in the order as, ‘ Why did you not solve the problem?’ or 

Why did you not figure it out?’ ( this an expression of himself which I took personally) as once he said to me that I was stronger than some other people in my life. Thus, I run at times as a belief that I must be stronger, that then layers with the Caregiver Archetype.  This “ stronger as belief character”  creates a friction and conflict within myself, where in a mathematical sense as the equation of the words, I am both ‘ not solving the problem’ and ‘ the stronger’.  

Since this information that is not necessarily bad, was absorbed in a charged moment, it is polarized and racing within and as me, as my information, experience.

It is to realize that slowing down and investigating movement in reality, which is part of the steps of learning anything as learning something means developing awareness of it, which is something that builds meaning that mis-takes are not-enough-information to build a solid abstract about something to the point where one can move with out bewilderment or confusion and integrate new qualities about something, even when it comes to encountering new unexpected relationships. Here I can slow down and take real care of what it means to grow into a tree, so-to-speak, and be empathetic with this process of journeying to life, as I would want from another.

Hence instead of defining myself as the measure I absorbed as ‘ why did I not figure this out’ and  the polarity of ‘ being stronger’ I relate being stronger to knowledge and information accumulation and then begin to define myself as stronger. When this does not work out, I generalize and decide I am not pretty enough. This mind consciousness, moves as a web of limited values. It has nothing to do with being life, being present, existing in equality and oneness to reality as the means of this limited expression of self as life, as energy,  that can only exist on a physical host. The physical is life information. Energy, as mind projections is a pollution on the physical. We need only look at this world to see the consequences of out actions that lack respect for the physical to see, realize and understand the destructive nature of inequality to nature/the physical.

I am going to write some self forgiveness on ‘ stronger’ and ‘ Why did you not figure this out?” and then write some self corrective statements in relation to the Caregiver Archetype. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a measure as a belief, as the words “ stronger” in relation to believing that i must be stronger, or that i am stronger based on something said to me in my past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stress myself out within and as believing that I must be stronger in the future.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that “ I must figure something out’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a belief that I must be stronger because of a belief that things can be figured out, and that if I do not figure things out than I am weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am weak and within this to become bewildered within and as the conflict of being supposedly stronger and ‘ why did you not figure this out’ which I then defined myself as being weak because I did not figure something out and believing that I was supposed to be responsible which was to be stronger.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an idea of being stronger.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an idea of being weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a conflict within and as me, in and as ‘ supposed to be strong’ within and as the words from my childhood of ‘ you are stronger’ and ‘ why did I not figure this out’ where a conflict of bewilderment and confusion became what i defined myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the confusion of this mixed message, and ground myself in the practical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to be that ‘ stronger’ and within this to move into a caregiver archetype, where I believed that I had to figure things out and be the stronger I lead myself to believe based on what was the intel expressed to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it was my responsibility because I was ‘ stronger’.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when and as I moved as gathering information to become intellectual, to become the character of ‘ stronger’ to not see, realize and understand that when and as my information caused conflict under the guise of a good as a belief of being stronger lead to “ why did you not figure this out” where i defined myself as being weak, as the information that was me as being weak, as in not being enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself, not seeing realizing and understand the practical physical world around me, as I moved in self interest, without regard for life as who and what I am as life is physical in form.

When and as I sense a conflict coming up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess where I am within and as a belief that I must be stronger, and where I believe that I am to blame for not figuring something out, and I slow way down, and I assess the moment, to see, realize and understand the practical here, to become responsible for and as life, in considering life as the physical, to take that which is good and does no harm, in ways that share an understanding of the practical as I would want for myself as this is being self responsible as who and what I am here.

To be continued. Self corrective Statements in regard to the Caregiver Archetype. It is cool to realize the layers in relation to this as I write this out.

Thank you for reading!

Day 683 The archetype of the caregiver. My journey to life.

The Caregiver Archetype

Placing value in being needed by others.

This has been character that I have been aware of for some time. I realize that this is not being self responsible, it is seeking meaning through being needed by others. It is character picked up from my mother.  It involves worrying  about others and where they are within themselves. 

This is myself wanting to fix what is going on in others, as my immediate family and friends etc., ironically focusing on them to make sure they are  moving in ways that support them. It is being a mother as I define it,  instead of focusing on being responsible myself. 

It is like having something to worry about to give myself purpose.

Yet it is not really a purpose, because it is not myself modeling being practical in respect of physical reality to enable self responsibility to be what is developed. Instead it is an act of self interest. It is avoiding being present here and being self responsible, I am in effect avoiding being myself, and being responsible as life as who and what I really am.  It is as though I have no real faith in life. I am the one accepting this, as no one can be this for me, only I can.

It also means that I must look at how I am fearing to really stand up and be real, be present, respect all that is here. This would mean stepping out of this role, and naturally causing conflict with what has been accepted and allowed on this earth, that is so visible all around, which is a lack of accepting respect for this actual real world, as the physical in the face of others as the society of men who have moved in self interest, instead of being themselves as life which is to be and do what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide from being self responsible within and as believing that worrying about my children, or what is going on in the world, as something that gives me meaning, or purpose, when this is an abdication of myself as life, an abdication of respect for and as life here, as life is physical, and practical, mathematical, thus it is more to model and live this respect to allow others to become practical through what it is that I focus upon as what is real, as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from myself as life as the presence of myself here, naturally able as life to respect  the physical and live the practice of being physical which is a practice of being practical and focused in common sense of reality, as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that being a caregiver is being in respect of the physical and the practical nature of living as being physical as that which is right here in front of me, and is me, equal and one here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that being life, that caring for life, means paying respect as in focusing here, considering all things and being present as focused equal and one with and as the physical, where each and every human being can practice in common sense of what is here, realizing, as self realizing what is best for all, which is what is best for self, thus it is for myself to express the care of being present here, which is being myself,  where as this there is no need to seek meaning as I am life, as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself as life, as placing value in being needed by others, which is a  separation from being in common sense of what is real, as what is right in front of me as the physical world here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within and as thinking about caring for another,  I am in effect allowing a belief that I am stronger than others and causing  myself to become a state of worry and fear about them, not seeing realizing and understanding that I am also believing them to be weak,  which is focusing on weakness instead of being present here, in the practice of being life, as this is a physical world where the real care is to be present and in respect of the practical common sense of a visible physical world that is built in common sense practical ways, the gift of life, something that can be understood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being focused here, as this appears to be difficult when in reality this is the gift of life to be understood to accept creation and to enjoy creation here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in placing myself in being a care giver, I am accepting a belief that I am stronger and another is weaker,  a value judgement,  which is a fear of being myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, which is a lack of presence in equality and oneness in respect of the practical that is the physical world around me, a nature that moves as solution to and towards the rewards being life in expression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, as this is a separation from living common sense of the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in worrying about another, I am not here, present and focused on the practice of life, as the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to call what is here by name, and in so doing, call the respect of life, in and as every word I speak here, to sound what is real, and thereby model life, to self empower through the focus of who and what I am, as life, here, where being myself as life, reverberates as who and what I am, where the living and being of and as this is clear so that what is expressed is life and what is attended to is life, where what I am as what I do is life in every moment, as this presence and focus is shared as who and what I am here as the natural ability to absorb what is here, and express respect for what is here as the physical, is visible, as being self responsible for and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of worrying about others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity others, not seeing realizing and understand that this is myself believing that I am stronger than another, which is being a belief within myself, and not myself being focused here, in respect of what is life in expression, that is mathematical and of and as common sense here.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understand that being present here, as the focus of myself is a practical movement, in respect of the physical,  which means being the practice of respecting the formation of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use the guise of care to place value in being needed by others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about others, to worry about my children, to worry about people in my life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect care to worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define care within worry.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from the word care and from worry through defining care within worry in separation from myself .

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abdicate myself as life, through creating a value around caring for others as what I allow to define me, in separation from respecting life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within and as the limited value system, I accepted and allowed myself to become a character of care to give myself value, as I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within a narrow means of self interest in survival, and defined myself as not being pretty enough, and within this self pity, I then project this outwards to avoid seeing myself’s own limited accepted and allowed value judgements, to avoid being practical here, as in standing through the storm of this as what men have accepted and allowed, where I was a child, and instead of being practical in common sense of all life as who and what I am and the means that absorbed the limited value system. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting a belief that I lacked in one value which was a starting point of judgement, and choose another to define who and what I am,  all within and as a fear of being practical and respectful of all life, understanding form and function of what is a physical life in formation here as this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this, having accepted a belief that ‘ I am not pretty enough’ which is a separation from being practical here, as a physical being,  I accepted and allowed a limited value system.

 I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that within and as allowing this judgement I believed in limited values and moved into survival before life, seeking to survive/profit from values in separation from the practice of who and what I am, as a physical life information. 

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand such a separation would lead to confusion and bewilderment in self directing self in ways that cause no harm to myself and others, on this physical, practical and mathematical world that is life information.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that as a child, as myself as life, I absorbed the life that was around me, as my parents, and within this, practiced what I measured as what I was exposed to, and believed this to be more real than the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the mis-takes on reality as the physical, accepting and allowing value judgements to define who and what I am would do, and in following these value judgements,  absorbed from my mother, and the adults around me, I separated from practical common sense of who and what I am as a physical beingness, and through this allowance became the consequence of and as bewilderment when I allowed limited values to direct me that lead to an absence of respect for the physical world leading to mistakes on reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the consequence of accepting limited values as beliefs about who and what I am as I move into this narrow focus as ideas about a good and bad, specifically as a belief that I am not pretty enough and choosing another value as ' care' to define who and what I am, a false positive as this is a guise to be ' good' in order to survive when overall this is an abdication of myself as life.

To be continued. Thank you for reading!