The resonant stories of time and space Day 804

I noticed this morning when I woke up a wave of wanting to give up. Red flag. I decided to just move with this. I breathed, slowed down and read the story of information within me. Looking at the emotional pull. It is usually that I do not have enough information, or that I am allowing something to be greater than the practical movement around me. 

In allowing this, and at the same time, moving to name this, I remembered an incident where I accepted a worst case scenario and found myself moving into calm. I realize that there were years when I practiced a skill, and would come to the same point of not seeing a way forward and only seeing a downward spiral. In real time, I would simply start moving, and then something would open up and a direction appeared. Within this, myself not realizing what I was taking with me that was the same that caused the sense of giving up! And that, in tandem with the patterns of taking the next step being the way forward. 

At the moment, either way is a story, a time line of events, of inner movements. It is a running within that is not in synch with moving without. I find that when I want to describe something as a mathematical equation, I am talking about story, about sequence, about interaction, relationships.  After all, what is the practical but a series of steps where one does the steps in real time, enjoying every texture, quality, intensity of and about things in real time. Also, I notice that the dialogues in the political spectrum a busyness in hypotheticals. As though it is being stuck in that moment of endless worst-case-scenario as a form of entertainment, creating an electrical storm- which evidently according to neurological mapping, it what is happening in the physical body. Though, at the same time, what is unique in a child, is an expression that is of perspectives as the qualities of the living physical world around us. In some ways it works both ways, it is more to what one is anchored.  In this I remember in high school sitting at a table of coming-of-age peers and having a sense that somehow something was being lost. Somehow, a lesser form was accepted. Some walked away to find something else, and some embraced without resistance that world. These tended to be more at ease with themselves. Others fell into various stages of grief. This telling in itself. And, this a reflection, mirrored in behaviors, of the very sequences I myself could and would allow in various moments in my life. Such as the memory that came forward this morning.( lol, this morning I remember a memory of a moment of morning, and I moored myself into calm). I remember also, a sense of the arrival of a physical storm not being as stormy as I initially thought/perceived. It was as though I moved in a different time line, where the spaces around the churned up weather had great distances of space, in contrast to my reaction to the physical storm ,where the motions of the storm appeared HUGE. In music, the same thing can happen, as the notes and sound appearing to be too much, and then, suddenly, one moves into a space where there is more space! In some ways, this is a kind of statistical analysis, meaning, a form of ordering things in a different way, or changing perspective in a quantum way. Perhaps, I could do this, in that storm, because I was doing a lot of musical math, changing meter, changing time. I was also a reader, I was doing the same in reading things, entering other perspectives.  I remember in my late thirties suddenly not being able to read novels. I would pick them up and read two sentences and put them down. They appeared to have the same patterns. I called it an angle of repose, meaning a soupy balance between two choices, and the overall choice was somehow not crossing some barrier. It is a sense that something is missing some depth. I say this in the words I used, in my own senses about my experiences. I also resisted relationships, because they would turn into this thick syrup, from my perspective and I avoided that. I suppose this is from years of playing too, because when I focused on that skill, it was usually more effective when I did not have the distraction of a man, as it exists in today’s world. Somehow, it should not be that way.  At the moment, I sometimes notice people walking up to me as having a bubble of a different tempo, as though I see the soup of which I speak. It is similar to sensing the very fabric of what is here, like seeing a loved one leave, what is left also has a color, one of a much greater lightness. I have seen this before too, a dog that was put down. It happened really fast, and my family around me, they did not notice. At that point I had promised myself, in relation to my husband that I would no longer remain quiet about all of this. I knew it would be hard, very hard, but nothing was going to stop me. NOTHING. Basically, Desteni is the only place I have found the most accurate descriptions of all of this, and without that, I most likely may not have realized that of which I speak without them.  I also realize that being focus is where one is most happy. And, in playing in tune, it has something about it that is of a stability that is eternal in some way. lol, I remember becoming annoyed when leading a quartet. It was annoying when another player was not listening, because it caused everything to be out of synch. Always had to choose to be concise, within what was specifically out of attention. Anything else would cause an emotional storm, and in every moment costing money, one could not afford to allow an emotional story take up the space. This is an unspoken thing among musicians. Somehow, in the movement, that which separates is rendered more visible. 

In moving into my own inner resonant experiences, catching a moment of a belief in a doom type of story sequence within me, and then embracing it, and then finding the calm, and realizing the practical, I see as self-forgiveness. This is not rejecting what is here, it is accepting it and creating  from that point. Yet, the intrinsic movement is one of being for-giving, as embracing what is here within, and moving to become in synch with what is here. Even coming-of-age stories are about this movement. It is that the antagonist and the protagonist are the self. Then, when sorted, one becomes more present and finds a form of self forgiveness to resolve and live greater connection to reality. 

I notice on the newsfeed what came up this week were some articles on a phenomenon that some psychics have, which is being able to read a place in some other place. There are even courses where one can learn to do this. There is even a group in India that teaches reading an object with eyes closed. What is it that “ reads” what is within us, as that doom and gloom wanting-to-give-up inner resonant construct? I mean, can one see this with one’s eyes? What is it that can change up the math/meter of the space around us? And, can that be occupied with the pull of political stories in the media to such a degree there is a great exclusion of practical reality? 

This reminds me of a story my sister told me. She had met a man who was upset because he realized with hindsight, that his adult years, in raising his children, became so caught up in doing Hockey his earlier adult years went by and he did nothing else. Even the “ friends” he had made at the time, that gathered together, he no longer had anything to do with.  He was looking back and asking himself why he ONLY did that, and how at the expense of that, he buried other interests. To some degree we all do this. I mean, we are capable of focusing on more than one thing. 

This has me look at our present system too. Our present system I would say, demands we focus on only a few things. It also does this through separation into learning a general scaffold about things in this world, that we then can pay to “ fill in” when this in itself is a form of down regulating intelligence.  This too, is done with story, with sequences of movements within ourselves. It can be an inner resonant story fettered with value judgements,  that can have a dialogue of varying quantifying values that have a space and time that can become a resonant story elevating one from the practical application of self with respect for this living reality.   We have this physical earth, and yet, as with this man reflecting as questioning of what he did during the adult years in which he raised his children,  we can separate from respect of this reality. This can be to the degree that what is being done with this physical resource that is the means of this living experience, that a few can through legerdemain pre-empt use of as the resources, to the degree that we see in the living reality around us. This is greater pollution and greater dis-ease in nature. We need only look and we need only ask why cancer is now killing more children than accidents, and only in the last decade or so.  How many of us really understand this earth, this home, this fabric that is the very means of life?  How many municipal workers understand that moss growing on a stem can indicate a high water mark, rather than some equations done with words in a piece of paper in relation to revenue generation? How many business owners in a town, within a given industry, pay others in an industry less, citing that their costs have gone up, without considering that if their costs have gone up, has this not happened to those from whom they are taking by paying them less? How have we humans come to accept a minimum wage that is not a living wage? How many of us do not realize that the labor of men is what generates economy, so why do we owe some federal entity when that entity exists because of the labor of men interacting with resources from an earth that no one can own because everyone eventually dies!  And this within a system that has done research in manifested effectiveness having a common denominator in those who have a more effective mastery of language, which is sound, which is a means of being specific and ordering that of which I speak as what one is being/allowing as that within and what is practical without! It is as though the way is given and in plain sight, and yet it is circumnavigated which means that one can blame no one but the self. One must anchor one’s self in the moment as a living relationship to what is here, respecting all things, and doing no harm. 

Look at what out schooling system does as well. It separates us from practical application, from living interaction, and has us abstract a set body of information. That in itself, is a form of separation by design! Within a lack of practical application, one acclimates to a focus on building ONLY an abstract of a story-line, as sequences of ideas about reality! Then is one’s words all aligned to an association of a set picture! And it is done under the guise of getting everyone on the same page when it is a math, a page, an order, a story as a resonant construct that lacks a living relationship to what is real and able-to-be-sensed all around us! And that is a more natural state!  It is a picture making practice within ONLY. And since having some kind of inner picture to use to self direct is better than having no inner structure, it is no wonder we drink the cool-aid in plain sight! It is mis-use of space and measure? One could argue that we can learn something from proclaimed-by-some-which-is-opinion supermen as masters of industry, and thereby be pulled into a value system that has a truth and not see the forest through the trees! Meaning not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a superman, because no one man can possibly do anything alone, there is a whole story line of movements as labor behind any industry done by men on this earth. This means that the real power is in the numbers. This means that having a federal government that tells us we are in debt, is a fabrication that is simply a mis-use of resources, just as that man who realized he spent all his time in his adult years involved in one thing, having come from a schooling system that was be design, creating an abstract that is a resonant blue print, of a very very limited and warped story of information because it is a general scaffold about something! This by design is a state of being removed  from a focus on  reality, yet accepted and allowed by the individual.  Astounding! Amazing how a distraction can be to live a vicarious non-doing relationship which could be the definition of entertainment! I suppose moving effectively within this, is like being in that storm in a boat, where is means slowing down and changing up the space to see the small and move within that. That is like walking through a crowd where the crowd appears to part to give one way. I suppose the best analogy to this is teaching music, where it is necessary to take in the whole and move to balance out imbalances. And, realizing within this that nothing can define one even if absorbed in a moment. And, if one knows the small, the basics, one can move to reorder them in a moment, so great is the real capacity of a human to READ what is within and what is without. That is the difference between one running on automation of an abstract and becoming a master. All masters realize the importance of the small, because, as I have done in music, my abstract began to run away from me, and I had to go back and reintegrate with the small to synch my presence back into the parts. I got to the point where the small was the most important thing. 

I am reading a book where a man talks about hypnotizing people. He notices that past life regressions are a lie, because the stories are all the same, most often of famous stories, and in America there is a lack of past life regressions from China. He realizes this is because in America we do not have may stories about individual lives in China! Thus, past life regressions are an illusion, they are simply a resonant imprint! 

If I contrast this with my own memories, or experiences, how much is really defined?  A thing that leaves a body, does not have the weight of the personality leaving with it. So, the weight of the supposed past-life stories of sequences of events, are but pictures and not real, this weight cannot leave because it is not what is real. Therefor, this hypnotist realized that emotions are not something that can be trusted! The stories of information coming up in a person from their subconscious mind are not what is real, it is the resonant blueprint of “ a general scaffold of information”! lol This a mis-use of resources once again because a human being is born being present before the resonant addition of an abstract of story that is not in synch with this living reality! That is like, from my perspective, an artistry of pure manipulation of what is here. It is a state of really messing with the geometry of reality, of life, which is a state of not respecting life. If one wants respect, one must give that. That is the golden rule. It is the one law that is necessary; to do no harm, to take the good, to give as you would receive. This is a common sense natural law! 

This was all done with the use of the resource ( re-source) of sound, as words, which are at the same time the means of calling things out by name, and lending focus onto reality. One’s inner resonant construct should be in synch with the physical reality. Or, have a practice of constant reference to the physical reality, because the physical reality is the super means of using the physical body as life in expression because that is what we are before religion, before programs as stories about things, that are merely a reflection of a state of separation from reality if not understood. I mean, realize how much FUN it would be to be able to utilize all one’s senses to here? Realize how much fun it would be to play one’s physical body instrument with mastery and grace, to move with life here! 

What we are, is right in front of us. What have we accumulated ? Day 754

I remember this concert I did in college. I played this very modern piece, that had no conventional melody as we are accustomed to. IT had multiple time signatures, so one had to change one sense of space in the beat almost every other measure. It really demanded being stable and changing up the space.

After playing this piece many times, in rehearsals and in performances, I had a moment where I realized the piece was not anything I had ever played. I saw it as more of a construction of forms in space. Meaning, it was more like walking around in a shape. One time while performing it, I felt that I as walking in someone’s kitchen. To me, it was like the composer was trying to compose a memory from his past. 

I had forgotten about this, until I, this week saw a video of a holograph of the parts of the physical human body, where one could take the computer generated imagery and either have the whole from the outer visuals, peel them away, or click them away, to see the layers of the systems that compose the human physical body. I thought that it would be cool if we could do that with trees and forests and oh! so may things.

I also have been looking at stories. My mother had said she can’t read history without it being in the context of a story. I asked myself why this is, why for some it is difficult to read the story line of history directly, and that need a context of a story to absorb history. Perhaps, it is that they need the events of history placed in a context more on the ground, more in the scenario of daily life, to make it more real? Makes sense in a way.

Also, I was looking at writing out time lines of the composition of what I have allowed and accepted within and as me, as thoughts of ideas, opinions, beliefs, shadowing wants, desires and needs, a story of information that becomes a resonance as it accumulated and leads to emotional/feeling bodies composing a personality, that directs me, influences my actions, as the information in the machine that is me. I am looking at this, my composition, and the ability of technology to show the real physical storied/layered form, and how humans needs compositions of stories in a more grounded context. And, what happened with the piece of music I played years ago, ( there are some others too) that was so different from what I had culturally been exposed to. Somehow, all of this creates a picture of how we work, of what we have allowed, and of the potential inherent in all of these parts. After all, in the arts, one of the things one achieves, is to see the sum of the parts all moving together. This means that one is processing all those parts, with ease, because one had intimacy with them.  It is somewhat like what is necessary in playing a musical instrument, where one must check within one’s self the body, and the music, the smallest being checked and the whole, even out to the audience. THIs is, as I see it, a more correct use of the imagination, the ability to ‘ move through the eye of the needle’ and see the forms around one, the living physical compositions around one. 

What we humans have done, is gotten stuck in a resonant emotional feeling body, that defines us, as we cannot see what we don’t know, what we have not consciously allowed ourselves to sense, to feel, to realize. What we have not allowed ourselves to practice. I mean, there i a school in India where children learn to use a sense, of sensing with presence, ( as what I call this here) objects in front of them blind folded! All these things that are here, showing us to ourselves, our capacity is so right in front of us. 

In this state we are in conflict , meaning it is so unequal to here, that we are, in a way, from my perspective at the moment, so resistant, to ‘ in holding’ of our construction,  to what is here, to the real storied information that is the physical that is the instrument, that is the means of expression as life. I mean, imagine being able to be in synch with the forms around us, as what I experienced on probably a lesser level, with the music,  imagine being able to sense the sound formations of the trees and all that is in the forest, to know this so well, that one can pan in and pan out and also sense the whole and the parts in a quantum way? Imagine walking in the music of life, that is the physical here? Imagine, instead of being in fear, in tension, in anxiety, in resistance - because it is work to resist this!-  being in synch, as ease, with the forms around us, and using one’s senses to become intimate with the math as the forms as the stories of inform, as the physical here, as the forests and all that composes this living reality, the real story? I mean, on another level, why are we fed so many pre hyper-sexualised failure tales from day one, that are read, again and again, and again and again, made into movies, with songs to memorize etc. etc.? Why are we not taught to be in sense and awareness of what is the living fabric of reality all around us? Why do we not become the ‘ father rejoicing in the son, and the son rejoicing in the father” Why do the words exist, as ‘ though I walk in the valley of the shadow of good and evil, I see no evil’ ? What does that mean in relation to what  I am saying?  Is it not the image and likeness of how a separation from life would be, as this also pictures the lack of presence and processing of what is right under our feet? LOOK! 

I mean, why are our children placed in  box, where words are so slowed down, moving in such a stagnant manner, where we practice using those words, those notes those sounds to memorize a picture, a form, and abstract, that is so removed from the physical world around us, and done as memory, which is in meter and tempo and time, incredibly slow! Remember, we become what we practice, and thus, if our rhythm is of a certain tempo, and we repeat that again and again, we become that tempo. Like a hamster on a wheel we acclimate to that tempo, and then we get stuck in the resonance we generate as it, and become just like a train running on a track no longer able to see what is real right outside the window. Would this fit into the idea proposed so long ago, of walking in a valley of the shadow of good and evil, a resonant construction  caught in its own web? I would say, yes, this is what we humans have been doing for a very long time. It is time to deconstruct this, and accept ourselves as life, and stand here, to accumulate a presence in reality, in this physical symphony called life, to understand it so well, that we see the parts and the whole, and can move into the layers, and UNDERSTAND it, and then work with it, be in synch with it, and sing life! 

The means are all around us, we can use technology to do this, to help us. Nothing is all bad or good. We can transform this world into real living, into the life it was meant to be, as we are the most perfect of forms to do this.  We must step outside of a limited resonance, and begin to process here, to be able to process our words, our sound formations, our notes with greater mastery, and use who and what we are to sense what is here, all around us, until we are all, as no one can be left behind, in balance, in the real song, seeing the real story, of and as the physical.  We can, realize the sum and the parts of our resonant mis-take on reality, and correct this to then step by step, as this is how things work, to see, realize and understand the sound of life in expression in form, all around us, and we can use technology to help us to accumulate actions/movements towards this. It is time to get our processing speeds moving, deconstructing what we have allowed, and rebuilding through, and this can happen at the same time ( I wonder) refocus onto the parts and the whole, and develop an ability to sense the sums and the parts until we are in equality and oneness with what is here, as the living form all around us.  We are, in essence, life. 

Looking within Felicity Day 745

I am looking at resistance, as resistance is fear. 

I remember sometimes in music, a phrase or form would appear to be unable-to-be-understood for me. The form would come and the math, the measure of it was like something distant from me. It was as though there was a veil inhibiting it from me- this little shape of sound before me graphed out. I had to slow down, alone, at home, by myself, and start to take it apart. It appeared to be this illusive ‘ thing’ that somehow I could not grasp. It begged the question as to why I could take in one little notated form and not another. It made no practical sense. 

The “ block’ could be called a resistance. Somehow, my own resonance was counter to the form, my own resonance was such that the math of me, the resonance of me, the values of me were creating a wall that separated me from the form before me. It was like too different currents were meeting one another.  This overall a ‘ red flag’ because I could not transpose myself, be flexible myself, and embrace the form. I was resonant with a formation that was holding itself to such a degree that I could not change and take in a varying form with the very substance that was me, as that means that could form into my resonance and the resonant form before me that I was having difficulty grasping.

Whose fault was this, was it the form, was it that I was ‘ something’ , a personality that had value, or as some say; ‘ Just the way I am?”  Or, “ this is my opinion, you must respect that?”  If I am resistant to something then I am not being the capacity to understand, as understanding another form, which is a combination of values made up of the ultimate value of what builds form overall,   how can I really understand perspective? If I cannot change and stand as a ‘ musical form’ or any form for that matter, realizing that I can understand for a moment, and yet change in the next, thus nothing can define me but what I allow as in time and space for something to be formed it must be stood as for a period of time.  If I look at what I am being that is unable to change then I have become a resonant thing and therefor lost a capacity to change, thus from a starting point of what I am as a human being, in relation to this, if I cannot change in relation to expressions as insights as perspectives towards another, for a moment, then I am in a form of a fixed state and therefor holding onto something that need not be held onto, to the extent that I can change and see another form, even if for a moment. I have lost flexibility. I have become stagnant. And this means overall, that I am responsible for what I am, and in the order of mastering myself, I must be able to realize and recognize when I am within a resistance, as I am in a lost state of embracing a form that I can accept and or move forward, as in taking what is good and does no harm. My resistance reveals my fear of change and my lost state of being in common sense, meaning to take something and understand it and then direct it effectively. 

Yesterday, I resisted something based on my own beliefs. I believed that something was too much. This based on past interactions. In a moment, I was faced with a response. The response was “ I had a difficult week.” I replied graciously and walked away. I did not allow the door to open, because I did not want to listen to the layers of justification. I had had to do this and allowed it to become too much. I feared that happening again. Overall, it was an opportunity to face the storm and practice sorting it out. As I drove away, I recognized this. The saving grace was that I so readily recognized this. Before it would have taken me more time. So, I tell myself, this in itself a good that can become a justification. All of this a sound wall. a math of values, resonant within me. I am a Humpty Dumpty.  Face it, move and get over it. We need to start admitting this to ourselves. Overall, there is nothing but resolution.  Living in fear and resistance is a drag, quite literally.  I for one have had it. Fuck you if you do not want to do the fucking math. It is right here in front of us, in plain sight. There is no escape. You are an organic robot. I mean, look at your words, your sound formations, are they filed with iconography that uses metaphor, or compound labels to zip file information where eveyone has to guess at what is meant? 

I have had people say to me, in relation to animals, that when an animal comes to ‘ visit’ as move outside of expected behaviors, that a past loved one has come to visit. This is a projection of an icon, as that person from that past visiting. What it can really signify is a characteristic of the self that the self is chasing, as the self has placed this value outside of the self because this is the self rejecting the self. This is the self chasing what the self gave up, and the means for the self to live without fear, without resistance and the cause of resistance. In the scream of the longing is the thing being missed, the thing given up. It is the signifier of the shattering of the self, into pieces, it is the beginning of the advent of a separation into fractionalized projected parts as ideas, beliefs, opinions. It is the smoke and mirrors show. It is the consciousness in separation from reality. In this instance, a person said to me that an animal came to them and that it was their friend they had lost. In reality, that friend was admired for a value the admirer lost within themselves, objectified outside of themselves. The animal that ostensibly came was the value the self rejected and longed for, hidden in a series of storied information placed into objects holding past projections. A huge parable. Looking at the smallest of parts can disperse the picture show. I want to say, what is constant within the show? Bring it back to self. Find the word. Realize the initial resistance. Would one agree that realizing what was lost is the means forward? Could one see the self hate is a form of self pity? Is this not manifest as an added color of longing? Could this not come as an answer to a question as “ I had a difficult week?” as the starting point of sorting out the projected and separated values ?  If I am capable of writing this here, am I not capable of facing the storm and living the joy of being present, sensing the small, within the greater inflation of resonant forms? Shame is not going to change this. Self hate and reprimand is more of the same. 

Today, I ask myself : " What is felicity?"

Automated time-lines of self accepted information in animation Day 726

In doing a walk though my past, to see, realize and understand how I have constructed personalities within and as me, as movements from my past, where I essentially did not do the math of existence, as common sense, and instead manipulated myself within to compensate for what I wanted in self interest, based on what was coming up within me, as a child, I can see how I moved in desire and protection instead of connecting with reality.

This appears to be such a small movement, and yet it remains and influences subsequent movements unless it is sorted out, as the information I allow to define me and practice, becomes who and what I am. It is like this life is a gift to move within and become intimate with, and yet, this small movement, can have repercussions because it is actually a movement against direct seeing of the world around me. Common sense means to see directly, and it is innate in the capacity of the human physical body. 

Such things are information, as small movements, that can be words, and that can accumulate and become a persona of information, inflamed because it is not of a direct seeing in this reality, instead it is a movement away, a movement of rejection, of fear in facing here. It is a fear of something dying, yet how can what is the gift as life, as self, be lost from here, ever? 

Also, there was a sense, in this memory of this movement away from direct seeing,  as sorting out what is here, even within not realizing that my own movement of separation - as not doing the math- was most likely what I was seeing that was the same as me, that I modeled and participated within and as that was at its root the very problem! How interesting, that I should in space, not see this, or did I? I was being what was the cause, more than likely, that lead me to be this movement of rejection and resistance of a ‘ math’ undone! lol That undone math, would compound as an action, and become what defined me.  This is why the way to life is through the eye-of-the-needle! One must do the math of creation to create. one must play the instrument; talking about it is talking about it, imagining it is imagining it, it is not the doing of the thing, and the magic, the real magic is in the ding of the thing.

What is a time line but rolled up information, I mean, what forms a tree? Is not a story a seed of information that creates an image? I suppose it is blasphemous to question story, because to question is already to be in separation, though a good means of discovery of such actions,  and also, to call something out by name, to begin to look at the parts and the whole and here, oops, something may be discovered. Thus, to question is to begin to move into a journey towards restoring, as reviewing, the math around one.

In this memory, of which I speak, I was moving against the story of life, the storied information as that which creates the seed that is of eternal information that can and is a part of what sustains creation. Another way to say this, is that if I can do the math of separation, I can do math, which means I can do the math, or process the information, of what sustains and supports creation. Such a subtle mis-step. The ways, as movements, reveling the means!

Within this, limitation becomes a welcome means of re-grounding in the practical, as reality, as this is a process of refertilezing a presence lost in limited information back down to earth, to live , or embrace what is here. Within this, my own accepted and allowed resistance to the movement of life around me.

For some, this might seem that one is letting go of something, when what is being let go is a color that is ‘ the color’ of separation from seeing directly and doing the math of here, as creation as the physical. The color, a set body of information that is the cause of friction and conflict in moving in ways that lend a direct seeing and as consequence, participation in creation. Ironically, one of the things I noticed about children, from my adult perspective, is that they love structure and to participate, it is such a natural desire. I mean, we all participate in the separation from life, manifest as beliefs, opinions and ideas rolled up into personalities, inflaming our organs and causing dis-ease. That we continue with actions that are not what is best for all, and thus equal to the act of real creation, is that we structure our separation and participate within it, as this is how things are done! The magic is in the doing, if the doing is a practice of resistance to doing the math of creation, then that is what informs is; in other words it is still a math, and still information rolled up into an entity as the math one accepts becomes personified.  Creation is a beautiful and balanced design, what we create is always here, as this is the gift of life.

If I allow myself to become separate, as the movements I allow that become what informs me, I can see where I would fear that which I am, all around me. I can see where I would fear what is me, that is the same outside of me, and I could see where I would resist this. The only way out is to forgive and do the math.  I mean, look, music is a math, and look what one can do with notes! What is the difference really? 

All I can do is forgive, as self correct the time lines of my actions that built the seed that becomes the information that automates and directs me. Automation in some ways is forgetting , or rejecting, and thus moving without awareness, if I do not check it and ‘ clean house’ once in a while, to make sure everything is in balance. This is the same within playing an instrument, one must check, yet when something is well known, I do not have to think about it, because in essence I am doing it, know it, so well, that the ‘ checking’ is done with ease and very quickly. I could say, that automation appears to be a quick check, as it is something that is so clear, it appears to not be checked, the movement is simply one lacking resistance. It is a perpetual balance. Have a look, while playing an instrument, one is doing, and  must have some awareness within the whole, to balance the parts. Yet, this is an indication of how great the separation from being present here is, that I have a color/idea/value around the idea in my mind of automation being something automatic, when it is myself no longer present and flowing in awareness of the parts and yet, within the process of development one must always check, and that checking appears so fast and moves with such ease, it is simply one’s presence moving through a form in movement in a moment. This point of ease, in a sense, is a point of self mastery and not a machine running without awareness. Thus, I become my own friction within who and what I am as the information that is me, here- that I allowed unless I remain present in checking the information within and without that is me here, as life.

Thus, the solution is to refurbish my presence, as that which accepted the resistances and the justifying movements of separation, back into what I have automated within me, to realize the friction and conflicts, that disrupt being grounded, and then, to change to a math that can move with ease here, and stand here. It is like creating anew.  In space, this time line, this seed , as a personality, will become like a moment of falling, like a child learning to walk, and simply a part of the process of creation, nothing more nothing less.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, in detail, that every move I make, that every thing I accept and allow as a value, of doing the math here, or of resisting what is here, becomes who and what I am, a gift of life, to either become equal and one with and as creation as this physical world around me, that is me, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am life, and as such, able to do the math to understand and express, in equality and oneness with and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from life, into and as fear, as accepting justifications as fear, as allowing an inferiority to what is here, and separations as mis-takes on the math of creation.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the time lines of information as movements, as a math, within and as me, are strings of forms, as ideas, beliefs and opinions, causing friction within the movement of me here in this physical reality, and as such can be deconstructed and reconstructed with and as what and who I am as the means of myself here, utilizing sound, as the building block of who and what I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is great joy in this act of being and doing, and thus, as who and what I am, as life, I am the capacity to process the information that is here, and what I have accepted and allowed in separation as a forgetfulness of the value being life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have not seen realized and understood how the means reveled the end, and how the means is the same that can reconstruct and deconstruct my own acceptances and allowances, the personification is a math, as movements that can be defined and retuned, to become in tune with life, as the physical is here, to ground me, and allow the presence of me to become equal and one to creation, as seeing creation directly here as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that  doubt is fear, and fear is simply not having enough information, and as such reveals the means to the ends, which is to slow down, to breath, to cross reference and utilize myself as life, grounding myself back into reality, to animate the presence of me, here, equal and one to and with creation, to stand and move through the eye of the needle, into equality and oneness with creation as life, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that moment as a child, of a separation into fear, to survive, not seeing realizing and understanding I created within acceptance of and as  my own separation into personifications as being not having done the math, as realizing this was the same around me that was what existed, and was what I allowed to frighten me,  as I see it in this moment, which was myself fearing to let something go, that I defined myself within and as, and instead to simply do the math, as see the information of separation as what I was being and allowing, as the means to solution, and for this I forgive myself.

When and as I find myself  resisting, as a movement , at times so subtle, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand with practice, with attention to movement -breathing- how I am moving myself here as information, to see realize and understand my acceptances and allowances that build resistance and friction in relationship to this physical world around me.

When and as I find myself  resisting as allowing and accepting limitations, I stop and I breath, I call what I am allowing out by name, and I move into solution, calling the solution out by name, the information by name, to ground myself here, into and as the practical, to automate, as animate myself as life, to become equal and one to here, within as as accepting and allowing only that which does no harm, and respects all things, here.

When and as I find myself in conflict, in uncertainty, in confusion, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess the information that I have allowed to define me, that has become me, and I autocorrect, as in call my self accepted and allowed information, out by name, as the word, and I assess as investigate what is here, within and without, as acceptances and allowances, and I stop, slow down, breath, to balance myself , to stop the animation of personalities I have accepted and allowed in separation from being grounded here, present, in this physical reality, to see, realize and understand ‘ right action’ within and as this being what embraces limitations as information to direct in regard, in acceptance of myself as life, a relationship to and as a math, as a song, as what expands awareness and thus presence equal and one to here, as the physical.

Day 698 I love words. Yet not in the way I think.

I have been told that I am, or have loved, to be intellectual. Yet, this being true to some extent, it never really quite fit.  I loved words in many ways. I loved it when someone said something in a different way. I could read very badly written books just to hear how the person said something. Here, in contrast, I have so-called educated friends that could not read a book that was badly written.  Thus, by contrast, I was not only, as another way to say this, interested in well written books, I could read and listen to people who were not so polished in their use of words.  I had learned that even unsophisticated word use could have, in relation to myself, undiscovered insight and perspective. Because of this, I did not see myself as an intellectual. Through a measure of not only reading some collectively accepted ‘ well written or spoken “ word usage, I did not place myself in being ‘ intellectual.”  Amazing how I can justify resisting one point through one degree of difference! lol Yet, this is also a misplaced creative ability, an ability to absorb and discern measure.  This is a great strength turned within, inverting things within only, and as a consequence completely separate from reality, from the physical, from including reference to all life. 

In a moment, I realized how I had used words as a shield, creating a personality. In that moment, there was that personality, like a projection of an idea, to protect me ( from?) as loving words. By extension this is loving information.  I created a protective wall of words. There I was standing behind the words. In that moment, my whole voice and presence changed, like a mirage being removed, or being seen. I can’t do that anymore.  It is to say that I always gave from a point of self protection, which is self interest, and never gave of myself.  My survival came first. 

So, I ask myself, have I listened to words to protect myself, or have I listened to words to see through the veiled constructions of others in lack or in a seeming polished word use?  And, by extension,  have I been a seeker and a lover of information,? The difference is so subtle, yet both exist, and they are an occupation, separating me from myself, from being present here.  It is no wonder I have not been able to open my heart and give of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to love words in self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use words in protection and self defense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a personality, a persona of words, charging words with a value in and of themselves.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that words are a means of communication, never being the reality around me as the physical, the real information that is creation information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I do not have the words I do not understand, thereby getting caught up in such a belief, and missing what is right here in front of me, as the physical, where words are the means of men to communicate and order themselves within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make idols of words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a dictionary lacking reference to life, as the physical, the real information of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to words as a means of getting attention.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that part of me that forms the words,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to over time, lose myself in words, and separate myself from being grounded, here, equal with what is real, as the physical, as who and what I am before any words came to be the means of communication as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into self pity, like a rain coming down, from my mind, like the death of an idea, as something I have allowed to limit the expression of myself as life, and to feel shame, and regret, as this is more of the same, as myself in separation from being present here, respecting everything that is here as the physical world, thus instead of self pity, and shame and regret, it is to ground myself here, standing up as who and what  I am as a physical beingness in expression here.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my words are not enough, when it is not the words it is what and who I am in relation to the words I speak.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remember myself to the physical in every moment, in every breath, the very infrastructure of here, as this earth, as this hearth, as this heart of and as me, being grounded in reality as the physical, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to become like the stars in the sky, emerging from the darkness, as being the real potential of myself as life, in expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as an inflated value system, charged with resistances and acceptances as value judgements about the physical, in protection and defense of my own fear of being life, in a mind consciousness system of limited ideas, opinions and beliefs, hidden in the labels  and idols of gender, culture, race, nationality, class, religion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide through the use of words, in ritual, tradition, and testimonials about reality without real investigation that I have accepted and allowed without question and without cross reference to the practical, as the physical reality that is me, before any and all ideas, beliefs and opinions I accept and allow to define me, and to instead remember being present and grounded, in respect of the infrastructure of and as the physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the present system is the same as me,  using constructs of and as words to create a legal fiction supporting a military industrial complex of protection and defense, using the economy of the ecology that is the means of life  to hold in place constructs of beliefs , opinions and ideas, creating rituals, ceremonies and testaments  that one thing is more than another, all in separation from reality as the physical.

When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, slowing way down, to assess my starting point.

When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I remember the physical the practical, here.

When and as I find myself using words, within and without, I slow way down, breath and ground myself here, remembering my feet on the ground, and all that is here as the physical, the trees, the animals, the plants, the planets, the air, the water, the soils, the birds, the dogs, the cats, the horses etc.

When and as I find myself placing myself into and as words, I stop, I breath, I slow myself way down, to accept and allow the physical as me, here.

When and as I find myself moving to express words, I stop, I assess reality, I ground myself, here,   I let go of the past, as what I have accepted and allowed, and I stand here.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath, and I sort them out here, grounding them here, bringing resistances, jealousies, limitations here, relating ideas, beliefs and opinions as words, to the physical, as reality, as the practical, here. 

When and as I find myself becoming tense, within and as my chest area, and my physical body, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, no longer accepting and allowing a projection of words as a wall of defense, to realize the simple in the moment, as I am here, in this moment.

When and as I find myself  reacting to limitation, to resistance, to justification, to jealousy, I stop and I breath and I ground myself in the infrastructure of the physical, to live what is practical, here, realizing what does no harm, here.

When and as I find myself becoming a personality of words, of loving words, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, equal and one to the physical, in respect of life, here.

When and as I find myself moving as words only, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, to see realize and understand the physical, to understand life, which is physical through a cross reference of the life that surrounds me and is me as the physical.

When and as I find myself listening to words I see, realize and understand that I can hear the subtle articulations and pressures of values pulled into greater emphasis or lack of being processed, the tapering off of sound, the clutter of justification, and I see realize and understand that no matter what, the words are in the end a reflection of reality, a type of song in chaos, of and about the physical and yet they are the seeds of creation, as words are things and they are sound. 

Day 685 The Caregiver Archetype continued. Self Corrective Statements.

The Caregiver Archetype

Today I had a meeting where I had to evaluate information I had accumulated and listen to perspectives about that information. I then had to frame the perspective in practical ways, calling measure by name. For example, the description of an embedded behavior being a form of an emotional polarity, or building a framework of what might become the next steps. 

Within me, there are these ‘ colored movements’ which are my own accepted and allowed emotional polarities. They are beliefs, opinions and ideas about things, that have no real practical building movement. 

At one point, I realized that being there and simply communicating about things, giving perspectives that qualified behaviors and outcomes was what connected and what built understanding. I did not need to have an emotional connection other than the simple understanding in practical measure. Within this, I could see and build possible outcomes and relate the practical steps necessary to continue building.

Within the caregiver archetype,  I separated myself from being responsible and created more discord in relation to the practical. In wanting a value, a judgement value to define me, as in  allowing myself to be defined by having the value of care, thereby believing myself to be stronger and the one to whom I give care, the weaker, I mistook the practical, as I ran within a self interest as a belief, or idea generated from my past.  In reality, real relationships need no desire for connection, as the real connection is the intention to create actions that show the practice of common sense. This means that there is nothing owed and everything to be thankful for.  It by nature moves with more ease. 

I noticed today as I communicated the practice of self forgiveness, to slow way down and breath and let go of preconceived ideas and to listen to the present moment. I had the space and time to realize what was being expressed, even when that expression was moving into describing another behavior other than previously discussed. I could see the form, breath, not allow myself to become rigid and fixed in a desire to say something myself, like I was rushing to ensure my idea of connection. Instead I let this go and listened. What I found is that what was communicated as a form fit into a pattern, the same pattern previously discussed. Hence, in listening, I could call what existed by name.  It was the practice of being grounded here, sharing instead of competing. 

In all I can only ever be here. What I believe in and as my mind, even if it is information that has some validity, is information. This can change in a moment, and which may not fit into the same way of description as my own and/or may open another dimension about something.. Whether it is from myself or another, it is as a spoken word, a perspective of this actual and real physical world.  In every moment, to remain stable, information must fit into the practical, and it is this grounding, that builds functional and trust worthy relationships.

Afterwards, I felt that I had an anxiety attack, and in this fear, I could sense that I wanted to spite, to shut down, to not face the next steps. i would go over what I was about and realize the practical . Something that has no where near the difficulty being fearful would imply. 

Within this there is a natural desire to be self responsible, so where does the fear of being self responsible come from? And as a consequence, where does the spite to and towards being responsible come from?  Once something is understood it is no longer difficult. A starting point of a desire to fix something loses a starting point of acceptance of all things.  A starting point of wanting to be responsible separates from being self responsible, and then misses the movement of creation. In this there is no need for spite, which is resistance. Resistance then becomes a marker to indicate the need to slow down, breath, ground myself here, and absorb- to process what is here, without judgement, to consider all things and realize what is best. 

Within all of this, great patience is necessary. Great calm. And great empathy for myself as I have accepted and allowed myself to race as a mind consciousness system of limited values, a story that was a lie by omission, composed of mistakes on reality and justifications that polarized values and  created a memory in separation from life, stored in the muscles of my physical body. I have resisted being here, in practical reality. I have spited here, spited life and consequentially been the source of my own fear. Yes, realizing this as a child, with a world of adults being an authority of same game, it was difficult. Thus within this, there is no one to blame, as I, my own accepted and allowed humpty dumpty can be the only one to put myself back together again. This means breathing, slowing down, grounding myself here in the physical. If I develop the patience to listen, then perhaps I can develop the patience to watch the grass grow and become equal and one to creation as who and what I really am and journey through the eye of the needle.

The solution is to become the master of one’s self as life. This is done with writing self forgiveness and self corrective statements and breathing in every moment. This is making the decision to be here, in equality and oneness with and as life here.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious, nervous, as a reaction, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I ground myself here, within and as taking the small detailed steps of understanding the measure and movement of here, within the physical, to communicate what grounds and stabilizes  within the principle of what is best for all, as in sharing the means of self responsibility, within and as directing into bringing here the practical small steps of how we learn, and how we build and how we form in specific measure, here.

When and as I find myself resisting within and as myself , I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I cross reference to ensure I am not a reaction to a reaction and instead move from problem into solution, in ways that build no lie, that can stand in intense and equality to what self empowers myself and those with whom I am in communion with here.

When and as I find myself becoming tense and constricted within and as my physical body, I stop and I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that gift of myself as life, able to change as  understand the form within my immediate environment - as this is a natural learning ability, an ability to absorb, and I investigate and assess, cross reference, until I can gently move, and direct here, with ease.

When and as I find myself moving into resistance, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I with real eyes, cross reference my own resistances, and residences around me, as they are all a mathematical form, and I assess taking space and time to ground myself into a practical small step to and towards solution that can be understood and self empowering here.

When and as I find myself moving into resistances, I stop and I breath and I check to name the resistance, to see if it is myself fearing that I am not pretty enough, or smart enough , and I stop and I breath and I realize that we are all the same, a human being with great capacity as our ability to assess reality and take, or move, as that which does no harm as this is what we would want for ourselves.

When and as I find myself moving into protection and self defense, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I assess the ideas about who and what I am as a personality, the thoughts composed of charged values as ideas, beliefs and opinions, to see, realize and understand where I have accepted and allowed an inferiority to life here, often hidden within a compounded inferiority, as a righteousness, that is a justification where I define myself as superior, or stronger than another, which is a reaction and not the movement from problem into solution.

When and as I find myself resisting being grounded here, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess the details of here, within and as an understanding of how things are built in a physical world that is creation information, and I  slow myself way down, where I can practice giving within and as lending, sharing, imparting, an understanding of what grounds in practical application.

When and as I find myself acting within a polarity of stronger and weaker, being that I judge another as weaker, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess , listening  to hear/here the potential of life that is around me, ever present as this is the very means of the physical here and thus this is always here.

When and as I find myself judging another as weak, or myself as weak, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I recognize the energy, as the polarity, as the value judgement, and I assess until I can find an ease to self direct,  that grounds, here.

When and as I find myself losing empathy for myself, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that I have not walked the practical, the practice of being here as the physical and the means of building equality and oneness with the physical, as I have accepted and allowed myself to race as a mind consciousness system, thus walking the practical means realizing with joy , the small steps that are the means to communicate and commune with life, physical life, as this is the means to connect with the space to create and build in calm, gentle, humble, and consistent ways.

When and as I find myself moving into forcing something, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that this forcing is a form of resistance, and I assess what I have accepted and allowed within and as me, to transform the caregiver archetype into moving as what is best for all, here.

When and as I find myself moving as wanting to define myself as caring, wanting recognition, as validation from another, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, until I am here, equal and one and present with this moment here.

When and as I find myself  becoming scared, leading into bewilderment and confusion, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess my within and the without, until  I can see the parts and the whole as the construct of information, and I do so with empathy and support within understanding that it is a process to understand what I have accepted and allowed as a mind consciousness of limited values become personality, composed of energy as charged value judgments , and I see, realize and understand the consequences of this as the environment in which I live, and I deconstruct and reconstruct one step at a time. moving with care and empathy in relation to who I am and what I have accepted, to see, realize and understand who I am and what I am as life here, as a physical embodiment of life in expression as creation to empower myself as life, to model the potential of what each is, which is life.

When and as I find a movement, as a pressure within and as the back of my neck, and my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I slow way down, and I assess, one step at a time, being gentle, humble, calm, to move the natural ability within and as me, an absorbent ability,  to assess what I have accepted as the movement of me, to realize resistances and fears and to accept the gift of life as the physical, to understand what builds into solutions that impart no harm, and expose the potential of life that is always here.

When and as I find myself wanting to build a value between myself and another, to define who and what I am, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down,  to see, realize and understand the practical which is what can withstand the test of time and build real stable relationships, here, that create communication with no binds, as the communication allows self empowerment which is the real value, here, and what I would want for myself here.

When and as I find myself becoming sad, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I deconstruct this belief that something is sad, until I can see, realize and understand the detailed mistakes on reality, being empathetic to myself within this movement/practice, until I have assessed within the principle of what is best for all, what directs in detail to and towards self empowerment, which is the real value, here.

When and as I find myself defining myself as having a value in relation to sharing with another a perspective and pointing things out or offering advice, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I assess within the principle of what is best for all, realizing the value is life and that I am one and equal to what is here, as the physical composition of life, where the parts working in tandem create the whole. and as this, the expression of life is the real value.

When and as I find myself having a reaction that I am insignificant, or meaningless, or worthless, I stop and I breath, and I slow way down, and on one level, I realize this is a belief accepted in childhood, and that this will take time to transform into no longer to be scared of giving, as in sharing perspectives and tweaking mistakes on reality as this is a process of realizing in practice that value being life.

When and as I find myself reacting as a self judgement of insignificance, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I realize the significance of life, as being the value, and as something that is practical and right here in front of me.

I am going to walk this character of ‘ insignificance’ further.

Thank You for reading!