Day 687 What rings into eternity? Equality and oneness. It is a physical life.

I have noticed in talking with people, that there are these moments when a thin film comes towards me, like a wisp. And then I noticed when I do this myself, as this is like a separation from being grounded here in this physical world, a much more stable state of being. This stability a point of being in tune, and what is in tune can withstand, it is like it rings into eternity.

I also notice how much I constrict within myself physically, how the muscles constrict. It is like I scrunch myself within myself and tense up and force something out of me. 

Looking over a mind construct I wrote out with all the back chat of beliefs, ideas and opinions I have accepted and allowed, I realize how much I react in blame, projecting ideas about things outward , like a ghost in the machine. Lol, it is like I am running a picture show about reality in separation from myself as a physical being on a physical planet. 

This has not happened a lot, yet it has happened enough where I say to myself: what was that! 

In relation to myself, I realize how much I am doing this. And the reflection I see from having written out the dialogue within composed of polarized values of right and wrong, a morality in relation to survival instead of respect for all life, where the physical is included, and then realized as being what is real. 

Most of the back chat is blame, for me, a form of protection and defense from doom and gloom scenarios, as potential losses in the order of survival. I mean, I can be sitting and suddenly I notice that I am imagining the worst case scenario. I have to stop, breath, slow down, and realize that this is not myself being present here, realizing the math of the physical, the real form of the physical. I realize that I accepted and allowed the seeding of my own demise. Only I can sort this out. And, what is really cool is that this can be sorted out, walked through and realized for the separation that it is, taken apart, forgiven and reformed, corrected into a script that grounds me into who and what I really am, a physical design on a physical world. I am here.

At this point, as a perspective from this moment, what I realize the most is how much I fear being practical. This means looking here, slowing way down and looking here, gathering information in respect of the practice of physical beingness.  This tends to create less fear of speaking up, as what respects the physical and calls what is here by name,  when voiced without fear, without expectations of resistance or reaction, can stand.  It is using our greatest strength to focus on the very fabric of the physical as being the starting point of reality, which is an ability to assess and investigate that which is sound as that which is best for all.

In all, I have been so occupied within protection and defense based on a fear of really looking and speaking up about what is here, through my own allowances, that I have forgotten to use my greatest strength to remain present in the richness of life, that is the physical world around me that is me, here. 

I have forgotten to feel, to live, to be an expression of life, to be present, to breath, to accept and be thankful for the richness of this physical fabric that is the means of life in expression, in formation.

It is at this point that I enter a sense of great sadness about the loss of someone close to me. I enter a ‘ what if” situation in and as realizing that were I in equilibrium with myself as life, could I have changed the outcome. Perhaps, yet this moment is not here, so I cannot say. And even this must be forgiven, as the solution is to stand and take back the life that is me, to enjoy being life, which is physical in form. 

Also, this event was within my immediate environment. Meaning, this is only in relation to myself, as there are so many who suffered a similar fate with whom I had no relationship, and yet suffered based on the choices that I made without consideration for all things. Hence, to make the situation I was in bigger than situations distant from me, yet  influenced by the choices I accepted and allowed in the products I chose, for example, or the lack of question about the economic constructs allowed on this earth that do not pay for the labor of others and cause suffering through extreme lack of access to physical support. Hence, the emotion of shame and guilt that I allow, though having some valid aspects is really in self interest. 

It stems from a fear of being forced away from something, as the best way to describe it here. Like being, or choosing a non-feeling state of being. And by feeling I mean, no longer being within the richness that is real life. What is rich is what is equal and one in measure, in a relationship to reality, which is physical, so visible and right here. That means that a feral child uses to smell like a wolf, or that means that a child uses when growing up in a household where music is constant. It is that this absorbent ability is diverted to a lesser form, one that is in separation from respect for what we are as a starting point , which is physical reality.

I realize that I accepted and allowed so many personal dis-orders, called personality disorders, built of beliefs and ideas, and opinions in a morality of survival before life. This life being the real morality. The physical being the real story. The hierarchy system that men have accepted and allowed for eons, the separation and the cause of conflict with life that is the current consequence of disease and discord on earth at present.

I notice that the moment i move into any kind of blame, I create a whispy entity within and as me, one of bitterness that is not myself being solution, as the only way to and towards life is to become the solution in every breath, to be present here, standing within and as what is best for all, as what respects the physical world, choosing what does no harm to any living thing here. This means to give as I would receive, to make the choice to speak up about what has been accepted and allowed, as what ignores the practical, and as what is the means to equality.  

This means to stand in equilibrium with the physical, to become a body in equilibrium with life, which is physical and always right here in front of me. No one can take that away, but myself. The rest, is illusion, that unfortunately is causing consequences on earth that no one would want for themselves.

Day 684 Continuation of the Caregiver Archetype. Day 2.

In relation to the caregiver archetype, I have had pressure on the back of my neck for some time. Also, there appears to be some pressure behind my eyes. When I would go and look at the pressure behind my eyes, I would experience thoughts about my sisters. It was that my sisters and I all look the same, especially around our eyes. 

I had also realized that this had to do with worry about others. And it is a character I have even discussed with one of my sisters. It is that ‘ my mother always must have something to worry about’  One day, within this I noticed a heaviness coming from the bottom of the eye down into the check, and this was sadness, much like the clown pictures where the eyes are painted to look sad. I define this ‘ presence’ as the weight of the world, as though it is all sad. This sadness is creating a definition about the world without having any real details. Behind sadness is a giving up about the world, where the self believes that no change can happen, and/or myself is good because myself tried, so it is not myself’s fault. This is turning a negative into a good, where I, as this self in this situation, define myself as good.  I become a belief that I was/am responsible. Yet this is a polarized and charged belief. It is not the practice of solution, it is the practice of justification.

It is like, or is, that I move as a body of knowledge and information as ideas, beliefs and opinions instead of being practical and looking at the details of the physical. To remember here, that if the adults in the world around us are moving as knowledge and information, and as absorbent beings, we take this in and practice it day in and day out, in our formative years, then we become this, and mis-take reality through a lack of practice in attention to the details of what is the means of this knowledge and information memory that develops by default of not practicing becoming aware of the physical world around us as who and what we really are as the starting point.

I look back in my immediate past and one question I had asked myself is how to develop community, as in how to develop relationships where I never had to lie, as not being self honest would bring burdens and cause the development of relationships that would not stand as a community.  I realized, or so I believed that I had little if no practice in building relationships that developed long term trust, where there was an ease and respect, with no sense of ever needing to lie. 

In a moment, as a movement, I remember one time physically leaning towards another person, like to force this kind of relationship. It was like a pull in a direction instead of an assessment in real time.  I remember thinking ‘ what was that” lol.

Since I have allowed myself to move as knowledge and information, the switch from this habit to real time awareness, takes time, as catching the accepted and allowed habits, decoding them, and being practical is a new practice for me, I must give myself empathy to review and investigate every move that I am from one moment to the next. This need not become a burden, because in the practice of and as this, the gift is in the doing,  to develop recognition of what I have accepted and allowed as a measure within myself and the practical steps as what it means to be present and live here, equal and one to life, as physical in formation.

If I go into an idea, with any charged value, I create an agenda, or expectation, and as a consequence am not here, present and attentive to reality, the physical.  I am racing within myself, as knowledge and information. 

I am competing. I am in survival mode. Within this, the inversion from moving as knowledge and information into being present as life will not happen. And I end up scaring myself, based on my expectations as to what the future may or may not bring or exist as. Within being this science of the mind only, being here is lost.  And, I lose all significance because my directives are insignificance, as false positives that are justifications based on expectations that are essentially ideas, and I become a general sense of sadness.  

Interesting at this point in writing, I remember my father reprimanding me about something, and telling me I am not smart enough. His voice is charged. It is as though he is disappointed that I was not responsible,  more in the order as, ‘ Why did you not solve the problem?’ or 

Why did you not figure it out?’ ( this an expression of himself which I took personally) as once he said to me that I was stronger than some other people in my life. Thus, I run at times as a belief that I must be stronger, that then layers with the Caregiver Archetype.  This “ stronger as belief character”  creates a friction and conflict within myself, where in a mathematical sense as the equation of the words, I am both ‘ not solving the problem’ and ‘ the stronger’.  

Since this information that is not necessarily bad, was absorbed in a charged moment, it is polarized and racing within and as me, as my information, experience.

It is to realize that slowing down and investigating movement in reality, which is part of the steps of learning anything as learning something means developing awareness of it, which is something that builds meaning that mis-takes are not-enough-information to build a solid abstract about something to the point where one can move with out bewilderment or confusion and integrate new qualities about something, even when it comes to encountering new unexpected relationships. Here I can slow down and take real care of what it means to grow into a tree, so-to-speak, and be empathetic with this process of journeying to life, as I would want from another.

Hence instead of defining myself as the measure I absorbed as ‘ why did I not figure this out’ and  the polarity of ‘ being stronger’ I relate being stronger to knowledge and information accumulation and then begin to define myself as stronger. When this does not work out, I generalize and decide I am not pretty enough. This mind consciousness, moves as a web of limited values. It has nothing to do with being life, being present, existing in equality and oneness to reality as the means of this limited expression of self as life, as energy,  that can only exist on a physical host. The physical is life information. Energy, as mind projections is a pollution on the physical. We need only look at this world to see the consequences of out actions that lack respect for the physical to see, realize and understand the destructive nature of inequality to nature/the physical.

I am going to write some self forgiveness on ‘ stronger’ and ‘ Why did you not figure this out?” and then write some self corrective statements in relation to the Caregiver Archetype. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a measure as a belief, as the words “ stronger” in relation to believing that i must be stronger, or that i am stronger based on something said to me in my past.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stress myself out within and as believing that I must be stronger in the future.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that “ I must figure something out’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a belief that I must be stronger because of a belief that things can be figured out, and that if I do not figure things out than I am weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am weak and within this to become bewildered within and as the conflict of being supposedly stronger and ‘ why did you not figure this out’ which I then defined myself as being weak because I did not figure something out and believing that I was supposed to be responsible which was to be stronger.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an idea of being stronger.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an idea of being weak.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a conflict within and as me, in and as ‘ supposed to be strong’ within and as the words from my childhood of ‘ you are stronger’ and ‘ why did I not figure this out’ where a conflict of bewilderment and confusion became what i defined myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the confusion of this mixed message, and ground myself in the practical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to be that ‘ stronger’ and within this to move into a caregiver archetype, where I believed that I had to figure things out and be the stronger I lead myself to believe based on what was the intel expressed to me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it was my responsibility because I was ‘ stronger’.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to when and as I moved as gathering information to become intellectual, to become the character of ‘ stronger’ to not see, realize and understand that when and as my information caused conflict under the guise of a good as a belief of being stronger lead to “ why did you not figure this out” where i defined myself as being weak, as the information that was me as being weak, as in not being enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself, not seeing realizing and understand the practical physical world around me, as I moved in self interest, without regard for life as who and what I am as life is physical in form.

When and as I sense a conflict coming up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess where I am within and as a belief that I must be stronger, and where I believe that I am to blame for not figuring something out, and I slow way down, and I assess the moment, to see, realize and understand the practical here, to become responsible for and as life, in considering life as the physical, to take that which is good and does no harm, in ways that share an understanding of the practical as I would want for myself as this is being self responsible as who and what I am here.

To be continued. Self corrective Statements in regard to the Caregiver Archetype. It is cool to realize the layers in relation to this as I write this out.

Thank you for reading!

Day 650 Drowning in limited knowledge and information. What is being polite?

Politeness

Within resistance, I realize that I have ideas/beliefs/opinions that I have allowed to be more than being here, in common sense of practical living. Within the word politeness, I cater to the beliefs/opinions and ideas of another, which is really protecting my own beliefs/opinions.ideas. None of this self definition based on not having been practical in a physical world, using what a feral child uses to learn to smell like a wolf- focusing the physical body into sensing here- can create a presence as that sensory/reflective ability to see directly here as the physical world.  That self definition is a secondary, metaphysical construction composed of the division of reality into a  energetic entity that is a separation into a limitation as what is real, as being the act of being present within the real physical world around us. The actual physical world is what works to support life, to express life. For example, nature has no borders, it is symbiotic, its waters flow everywhere ( unless an idea that disrespect this, cuts down a forest without spatial awareness of the consequences of such an act, and in so doing washes away all the organic matter that holds the water- or allows the water to circulate above the sedimentary rocks etc.) Such an act reflects the separation into limited respect of physical existence. It is a hued man chasing a metaphysical ideological construct which has been said is the making false idols. False idols are demonic, because they impose that limitation which in the end , as the word suggests, de-mans self as a physical expression of life. Then the physical, as that forest, is torn apart and scattered, like the fairy tales tell us, we become fractionalized into spread out parts, like Humpty Dumpty- where no systemic men can put you back together again, as only you as that substance can refocus yourself here, back into what is real, which is the physical- no metaphysical construction necessary.

If we look at our monetary system is it the image and likeness of what we are doing to ourselves within.  A false god that has no regard for life and the capacity of that life to create is lost. What is  lost is the choice of life as the action and directive of what does no harm, taking that which is good.

Thus politeness is answering to the metaphysical construct and not being practical here. And, because this has been allowed and practiced it is like a entity running as the a mind consciousness that consumes the flesh, tearing it apart, where in death, the body begins to shut down, twitching and suddenly shaking as the information releases and plays out, the presence buried in delusions of the past, as one’s self definitions has nothing else to consume. Meanwhile, what is left gasps for air, fearing to lose that self definition, where there is no longer any physical left to maintain the vessel of life as the physical body. The body itself, tied in knots as the consequence of constant suppression,  as the effort to maintain that ideological self has lost all ease of movement, fighting to maintain this idea self.

It begins on day one, because the adults model this, and the child absorbs this measure, this measure of sub-traction from being life. The schools perpetuate this, forcing the limited story of the victors that are also this, yet just happen to be on the systemic gain side of this fractionalizing system that has the same outcome no matter where one happens to be in this life within where one is placed at birth/ as their berth on earth.

Thus, ego is the expression of a limited story, using the parts of a picture, which can then be brought back down to practical living. One must really slow way down, and realize the spin of the meta-physical construction within, and with every breath as a marker, cross reference the real , actual physical world. 

One can respect the metaphysical part for a moment, and draw it back down to the ordinary, giving the ease to move here, equal and one with and as the physical world that is life in expression which is creation.

So what is real politeness?  It is to see the justifications as the polarity that is the nature of justifying a limited self definition as what a metaphysical mind construction would be, and realize that that ideological mind consciousness is rejecting qualities of reality in fear of loss of that construction. And, it is to realize that we all are this, the marker of which is a loss of being in common sense of what is physically happening to every part of this world, and, also, not seeing, realizing and understanding the nature of the accepted and allowed systemic design that creates consequences that are not what is best for all. Overall, to realize that one cannot place a child/tiger in a box, and expect that child/tiger to reach its full potential. And it is not that placing a child in a classroom to listen to information is bad, it is that placing a child in a classroom for six hours a day, is like placing that child underwater, too much of anything can cause one to drown- so to speak. This is what is meant by a false positive. Any adult can realize that being in the real practice of physical living, teaches awareness more than any sound picture as words written by the victors of this system of self interest for a few when the experiences are not enough to realize the sound formations, and even here, to realize that the physical must always be cross referenced- a scaffold only a means to build in a moment or to communicate a sound multidimensional structure that in itself, cannot be made more than the actual physical. Our system is moving in the opposite way, against life, it cannot work and it is not working. It is time to take that which is good and transform our system, and to bring what we believe is heaven, as mind consciousness, back down to earth, to stand as the real creators we were meant to be, to begin to realize, as live, the full potential of our physical bodies.

I have to, in every moment, slow way down and breath, realize where I resist, as this is where I do not consider reality as the physical, to ground myself here, equal and one to and with the physical world. As this is myself as life, here, being forgiving with and to life as what I am.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a mind consciousness, disrespecting the life that is me around me as the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I can, in every moment, with every breath, slow way down and cross reference the actual real physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become inferior to life, and within such an emotion, to not within breath, to cross reference where I fear to lose some ideological construct that I have accepted and allowed to define me, and as such made into a superior entity as belief, opinion and idea,  a metaphysical smoke and mirrors show that is like a de-manning of my presence to see directly here, to allow myself to respect life, and as such become equal and one to and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the depression of knowledge and information, as though it can suppress the presence of myself as life, as within and as me as who I am as life, is able to move through the storm of emotions and feelings, and ground myself in common sense in and as the small measure that is in front of me in the moment, as the physical world is composed of small steps, working in symbiotic ways which is the way and the means to ground myself here, and take that which is good and does no harm, as this is the message of equality and oneness with and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the ‘ big brother ‘ of a mind consciousness composed of limited knowledge and information, false positives and rejection of qualities that are the real measure of life, as the means to live as myself in full potential of being presence here, being the directive capacity of myself here, building self trust, self responsibility equal and one with what supports life, as what is real, is that which takes that which is good and does no harm, considering all things.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am my own self punishment when and as I accept only the polarity of belief as mind consciousness in separation from practical living/life as is the nature of life in expression as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become angry of my own separation, that i have accepted and allowed and to fear the consequences of such a separation, where the solution is to walk myself back into what is always right here in front of me, as the practice of respecting the physical world, as moving in small steps to reach equality and oneness with the physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that constant struggle, fighting, is a resistance that has no rest as the quality of its signature, and to let this go, forgive, and follow through as in grounding myself here, realizing resistances as a gift to align myself equal and one to myself as life, to stand as the living word of equality and oneness where my false positive heaven, is brought down to earth, to become the creator I was meant to be, here.

When and as I find myself becoming confused, I stop I breath, I slow myself down, I take the part as in listening to here, as the separations and the actual practice of what respects and accepts the physical world, to see, realize and understand that which is good and does no harm, to live equality and oneness to and as life here.

When and as I find myself becoming tense, as in my shoulders moving into defense, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand, through listening, where I am within a mind consciousness of limited knowledge and information and I stop, I cross reference the practical physical world, to allow myself to build a self directive capacity that gives myself the ease, as that comes with self trust within and as myself respecting life, the physical that is all around me.

When and as find myself becoming heavy within and as my solar plexus area I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring this de-man into my heart, to self correct , forgiving spite and blame projections as self pity and fear of loss, to realize the practical steps that ground myself here, equal and one, to enjoy the full potential of life as the physical.

When and a s I find myself moving into projections of spite and blame, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I self correct into what would practice what is constructive in communicating the small measures necessary to communicate with ease, what grounds my presence as myself as life, here.

When and as I find myself in fear of loss, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I self correct through forgiving any spite and blame, into and as what is the small step as myself here, in the practice of respecting physical life that is me, here.

This, the solution to being polite is pulling on the strings of separation, and bringing the ego back into the small as the ordinary that grounds into the gentle and humble ease of being focused here, equal and one, building self trust in self honesty with and as the life that is me being present here, in respect of life, to which I commit myself to stand as equality and oneness with the physical, here.

Day 647 Personalities bouncing around as the pressures of life take their toll.

I was having a conversation about a family friend's daughter who had become the prodigal son- so to speak. This girl had rejected her family traditions and married someone outside of her culture. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can lead to division if time is not taken to understand and develop common sense with living, as in understanding the different cultural measures and working together.

When life gets more difficult, when the children begin to turn into teenagers, the differences , if not worked on, and/or if one longs for the comforts of their childhood, because, as I said the stress of life, then personalities, as the measure of our childhood, begin to emerge beyond what motivated a mixed culture relationship.

I married a European, as an America, I had to learn some of their ways. Some I accepted and some I choose the way I had learned to do things, it became mixed. Cultures that are more different, I would imagine would bring on a greater need for balance.

Within the conversation, this daughter of this family, was suddenly interacting with her parents again, after some time estranged from them. She, according to the story I heard, was moving into personality swings. 

The conversation was about how strange her behavior was, how erratic, yet, if we understand how we develop personalities and how they can become a mind consciousness of likes and dislikes, as preferences that define us, in separation from using common sense as physical beingness on a physical world, a time in one’s life in a time of difficulty, will begin to move into what is comfortable within oneself as a measure of living, and begin to resort to that measure, not seeing that this whole scenario, reveals how we work as personalities that are the measure of values we learned during childhood. A prodigal son is the story of rejection of these values, and a return to them when things get tough.

Ofcourse there are children who reject family values and do well in times of conflict. Any measure is possible. It is not a one-size situation. What is revealed here is that we become personalities that cannot get along with others which means our personalities are measures of values, of beliefs, that we hold as bigger than being practical living. Our likes and dislikes are ideas about things, and do not really have anything to do with accepting the physical world around us with understanding. As such we lose sight of the small measure of being in common sense of what we do in every move on a physical planet. We become walking value judgements instead of being the practice of respecting what life is, a physical form. I mean why separate physical reality from life in the first place?

Because of our personalities, we have a monetary system that does not support and value life. We have an education system that suppresses life by placing a multi sensory being into a box to abstract knowledge and information to associate from in assessing the physical world, when this is placing the cart before the horse! That does not work, and it can’t work and it is not working. If it only works for a few, then it does not work!

We have a medical system that is not about health, it is about maintaining dis-ease for profit. Our health systems are considered alternative, and our emotional states, which are our personalities, are regarded as what makes us special when that could not be farther from the truth. If a feral child can learn to smell like a wolf, what is special about us that we have the capacity to understand this physical world and emulate it with ease, developing great abilities that would make living on this earth really fun! I mean it would be really cool to be able to smell that rabbit from a distance instead of looking on an iPhone! It would be really cool to sense this space with all of me, rather than seeing a picture about something, as a picture has no depth, cannot be sensed through smell-for example, nothing to touch that reveals what is soft about something or what is textured.  This is why we believe that going and shooting a tiger defines us, without any real consideration of the tiger’s body being the means for a sensory life, and what a sudden interruption of that life feels like! None of us would want this for ourselves, not one. When our emotional lives are upset, we get very reactive and dislike this interruption, seeing it as a threat- even when this is not using the means of the physical body as what we are, and really sensing the world around us. Thus, even in our limitations that we believe are real, we dislike the pain of loss, and it is this loss of an idea, belief, opinion that is of energy that we have allowed to define us, that is what separates us from being equal and one to the physical, where we would respect the physical, as the tiger, and do no harm because this is the real nature of ourselves as life.

We become the good and the ' bad' as values we believe define us, which are our personalities. These are the measure of our experience, as what we take from our parents as they are our early environment.  We become a personification. In understanding this, we can understand personality dis-orders as being what is not equal to real practical living. When things don't work, we return to the values we learned as children, because they are the most imbedded and have a comfort value attached. Thus, we become what we practice, and if this is not respecting life, our person-hoods/self definitions cause conflict with reality, because they cannot work in practice if they are not equal to what it means to live a physical life, which is to live in respect of, and forgiveness towards the physical world/creation manifest. Our measure within must be equal to the measure without.

Day 640 A moment in mind consciousness ONLY! STOP!

Yesterday, I went into a sinking personification as a belief that I had failed, that getting through was impossible, and from there I realized, wait, it is a practical world where we create a within that is not equal to the without, an above that is not equal to the below. The below being the source of the projection that is not equal, as the physical world. I have looked at how this all works, as what a thought is, and how a thought when done again and again, through space and time, repeated, over and over, becomes a ghost in the machine, describing the machine, creating conflict with the real mechanism of and as the physical. The entity of belief, spiraling like a christmas tree light, unable to fit into the physical because it has not considered the physical, yet becoming the program of the physical in slowly diminishing the physical, and as information considered knowledge, becoming what directs, where the directions cause many mistakes in the world because it ignores what is here, and then blaming the missed things for being in the way. A backwards way of being! The information being what is accepted and allowed, spinning around in self justification because it is all that is what is informed. I mean, there is no information to enable one to slow down and watch the grass grow, and yet, this is who one really is under/behind/throughout/within before the information entity of limited focus/value/insight began to be one’s self definition. 

Thus, all emotions and feelings are a lie. The real state of being as life, must be that of a fluid ease, here, enjoined, with what is here, always moving as the solution of and as what is best for all. It is to be saturated with all that is here, where each movement is in focus, a focus that is all that one is. How satisfying would that be? lol, one could say it would be the ultimate ‘ drug’! One that would cause no harm!

Yesterday, I had to drive in a lot of traffic. As I slowed down to turn onto a side street, I noticed a biker just behind me, so I could not turn, I had to stop. At the same time, I noticed a large car behind me, right on my tail. I feared stopping suddenly, because of the car behind me was so close, and at the same time, I could not turn because of the person on the bike beside me, was moving pretty fast. So, I pulled slightly over to the side, leaving room for the biker to pass and the car behind me to swerve further out onto the road if need be. The biker, was uncertain, hit the brakes swerved around me on the other side, yelling and cursing at me, and the white car behind me, appeared to be less than an inch from my rear fender. I was not moving very fast, overall. Thankfully nothing more happened than being yelled at by the biker, whom I was being considerate of. 

I found myself becoming frustrated and angry, and very tense. I wanted to blame the car behind me, and I wanted to yell at the biker. In all, it was one of those situations where everything was tightly compressed,  and considering the objects in the space, seemed overwhelming. So, it was that energetic need within me, to immediately blame and spite, project stories onto the car behind me, the biker, catching the details of them in a moment and comparing them to a moral good, using the details of the objects in some quantum measure to belittle and make me feel better in a superior way, when overall, I was afraid, afraid of an accident, afraid of the consequences of an accident, and all the blame and spite that might , or might not, come towards me, should an accident happen. One huge  motion picture show of morality using cultural measures to protect and defend myself and all the while, I am in total separation from reality. 

As I turned onto the quiet road, I slowed down, saying to myself, no, going into this is not being here, does not solve problems, is not that which brings solution. STOP stop stop.

I had to realize that earlier in the day, I had had an expectation about something, and upon reflection, realized I had not been practical in space and time, within what is a process that must move in an ordinary way, to reach the solution that is the extra-ordinary. I can’t get to the extraordinary until I walk the practical. So, in the moment I continued to drive on the quieter street, I did forgiveness, and remembered the script of here, the practice of walking step by step, realizing  how this physical world functions right here before me, to ground myself in a stable practice of living where I could be calm, directive, finding solutions, realizing practical steps in a physical reality and reaching the ultimate reward, being at ease, enjoying simply being here, and instead of chasing an idea, I stop, slow down, cross reference the practice of realizing that what is best for all is right here in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to a biker cursing me out for entering ostensible cutting in front of him.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame the car behind me for being right on my tail.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought “ I was considering you, you idiot”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become unhinged, within myself, all the while realizing that moving into such judgement was not solving the problem.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that the source of my self accepted and created ire, was from earlier in the day, and as such probably a self accepted and allowed distraction from looking at what was behind me and beside me, in the busy traffic a few seconds earlier, being aware as in being consistent in noticing that the traffic was very busy and that this meant not only to notice this, and to also remain diligent because of it.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was the cause of the upset around me, having become lost in my own story of expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to rush an outcome, without walking the practical ordinary steps necessary to reach the extra ordinary outcome of the goal that I allowed myself to rush towards without considering the practical world around me, where there is enough space and time to move in careful ways.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not slow down and stop running as a story in and as my mind, to instead realize the practical details of living here, a real story that considers all things around me, in every moment, to walk step by step a real practice of living here, equal and one within and as what is best for all, as this is best for self.

When and as I find myself reacting, within and as me, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, I see realize and understand that i am moving into spite and blame, using a morality of limited values, to protect and defend myself  instead of realizing and as such respecting what is here as the physical, and to accept that which is myself as life, that reveals the way and the means, of becoming equal and one to life here.

When and as I find myself building within and as me, an ire, as a short tempered fuse, ready to burst at the slightest provocation - or so I believe- I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, I assess where and when I accepted an idea, belief or opinion, to define me, and where I became in fear of losing something, and as such expecting something, and I evaluate my accepted and habituated morality, to bring my own self interested judgements back down into the practice of living, as the journey of myself back to life, out of a mind consciousness system only, to realize with every breath, what is best for all, slowing way down, to move step by step into what is a real natural state of being, where I can, slow down enough to ‘ watch the grass grow’.

When and as I find myself rushing, and becoming impatient, I stop I breath, I slow myself down, and I assess where I have not investigated enough to ground myself here, into a self corrective application that can stand and direct my actions in ways that bring clarity and stability that is sustainable within and as what brings solutions that is the process of respecting the world around me as life as the physical.

Day 619 Reviewing Spite which is Fear.

I am looking at the word ‘spite.’ It is different from blame. Spite is to have a desire to hurt, annoy, or offend someone. It is having a feeling of contempt for someone. Contempt is a feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving of scorn; a disregard for something that should be taken into account.  The word ‘scorn’ being a feeling or belief that someone or something is worthless or despicable.

Thus, when I am taking things personally, I am essentially in spite, which means I ‘ want something to go away’ and I actively speak up to punish that measure, that state of being manifest as behaviors or actions in words and/or deeds; as how a person may dress, or wear an expression, or style their hair, or exist within a position in our present system. 

So, in spite, I reject and then call out the limitations that I fear by association could define me, and then instead of becoming an understanding of what is held in contempt to realize how something was created, because in essence I am a creator and nothing can define me but what I accept and allow, to realize that things are changeable and with movement here, can realign into what equalizes oneself to the presence of life here on earth.

When I believe I am unworthy and I fear this being realized as a belief, etched in stone, I become inferior to life, and forgetful of change, forgetful of the gift of life as sound formation as I can change and am here, so nothing can be lost, as it is already here as me. This change that I fear, is in itself an action that reveals to me how I am the master of what I am ultimately!

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being defined as something I believe is less than what will enable me to survive here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spite myself in fear of another defining me as less than.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to within this spite, not see, realize and understand that I, if I slow down and look at what I have allowed to become the hue, the color, the judgement, the fear within and as me, I can realize the smoke and mirrors show in and as my mind as my belief, that is defining me in the moment of spite capturing my attention and separating myself from here, and stagnating my own self awareness in fear of loss as a picture show of gloom and doom that has no real solution and thus development in understanding the nature of life, which is to give as I would receive, to become equal and one to and with the physical to move as that which does no harm and takes that which is good, to ground myself here equal and one with creation here, which is the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow a doom and gloom picture show in and as my mind as belief, as judgement, as separation from my own common sense and rejection of myself as life and the life around me as this physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become blinded by fear,, for which I can blame no one but myself as I have accepted and allowed this as the presence of me within and as me here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to do unto another as I would have done unto myself because in the end it is only me who decides what I am within and as me, as no other can change me but myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must shield myself from limitation which is myself allowing and accepting judgement without follow through into and as what is solution.

I forgive myself for not  allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that just as I have built the mechanics of and as my mind, as my beliefs, so can I with this same presence, see form and function as this actual real physical life that is the means of life as the physical is life information here.

When and as I find myself moving into fear, as in accepting and allowing thoughts as an energy that moves in slow motion from my head area into my body, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that this need not define me, and that I as this, as life, can slow down and see the measure of what I have accepted and allowed and change, forgive the thoughts, and ground myself here, into and as equality and oneness with and as life here, to see realize and understand practical applications that are best for myself which is what is best for all.

When and as I find myself moving into spite, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down,  and I see as my thoughts what I fear defining me, and what I believe I can lose as idea or opinion, and within this survival based system, see , realize and understand that I have the power to simply be here, choosing life as accepting all things, and taking that which is good which is that which does no harm here.

When and as I find myself moving into spite, I stop and I breath, and I assess what values I have as an agenda as a self definition, and I forgive the good and the bad, the fear as a belief, and the inner projection as a persona as a self idealism, my idol, of and as an image filled with self defining values  as self created feelings as what I believe will create a win, and I ground these within and as what would a practical action that is in consideration of all things, to equalize myself to and as life here, to be and become in thought word and deed that which is good and does no harm, as this is respect for life as myself here.

When and as I find myself becoming the energy of spite, as a sinking motion within and as me, I stop, I slow down, I breath, I check myself accepted and allowed definitions, as what I believe makes me more than another, and I see, realize and understand that the seeming promise of and as this is an illusion as the practice of living means being here, equal and one with and as the physical world.

When and as I find myself filled with different hues, as values, as ideas, an energy of spite and self aggrandizement as self interest, I see, realize and understand that in allowing this as the attention of myself means that I can change, and ground myself here, to begin the practice of becoming equal and one to and as life here.

When and as I find myself believing I have no worth, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down to see, realize and understand and become in practice what supports life, to end self punishment into  rejecting the very substance of myself as the means of life here.