Day 195 A being of blame

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be blame, to want to blame another as an object of not being responsible, which is myself not wanting to be responsible, which is myself wanting another to be what I fear, which is not realizing that this being responsible is an action, and that as this action, there is no other way but to be and become this action, yet I choose, within blame/placing an action on an object a deny-er of being action as what is real, of looking at action as what allows and accepts consequences, and within this not even looking to the whole situation on this earth, the monopolizing of money/resource and the lack of development through broadcast intentions related to appeasing fear which actually admits fear and thus inflames fear as something to hide from, within a game of survival created through laws supporting a system of inequality, and so it spins and spins and this spinning is destroying this earth and life is not being lived.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my very inception was done in fear, as sex is a form of escape within this system of inequality, and a form of entertainment especially for those who lack any self development as life, the poor and most of the masses, where the question should be asked, “ would there be so many children born if all were supported with the basic needs and opportunity in self development as expression as life?”
Within this, I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that if the human were given the opportunity for self development, would they not then use common sense within raising children, and would not the means to take responsibility be then realized and what children born would be done with common sense and awareness instead of within ignorance and a seeking of release from fear?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that these considerations for self development as life, would also be considerate of the children produced within how humans function within reproduction.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I was conceived in fear, where the adult/human that bore me, was not even aware of themselves would this not have an effect on the very physical as what I am, here?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that with my own children, when they were young I was extremely wary of what they were exposed to, and moved within judgement to supposedly protect them from what I determined as non supportive influences, and within this I was often anxiousand fearful.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have looked at the whole structure of what is here, as the financial system, as the way products are produced and the options available , many of which makes sense but are not even employed because they cannot be patented or owned, thus indicating that there was something wrong with this present system and in consideration of this, how would this effect every inch and aspect of what was physically here on this earth?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed and judged what was around me within the morality of right and wrong placed onto objects instead of actually looking at the action and the behavior, and the product and speaking within common sense of what would be best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been so afraid when I was in Thailand and Singapore with my children, for fear they would be kidnapped, that this was all I could think of, and thus I did not stop and LOOK at why the whole picture of this, as my fear, and the drives of such behaviors as kidnapping children, even existed, where it was not until I found my husband hanging from a rope, that I stood there as asked, why does this exist, this cannot be life”?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that what must be done is a total understanding of this present system and how it usesmoney - the representation of life sustaining resources this money as a tool not being what is wrong, but the means with which this money moves in and as beliefs that one thing on this planet is more than another, where such losses of people and things in our lives need not exist if life was realized as the value and thus supported as such, where waiting for someone else to stand is not going to change this inequality creating abuse system as capitalism/monopolyism, my tantrums of blame an abdication of myself as life, where if this is what the human is, then each of us are not being responsible as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that life is not fear, unless i accept and allow this to be what is here, and within this if I allow myself to cling to what appears to diminish my fear, such as alcohol, drugs, sex, entertainment - of which politics has become, a form of entertainment, as anything that does not develop common sense is an entertainment of placing hope to then lead into despair which are all SELF accepted energetic, as what energy is, separation from self/myself standing and being responsible in common sense of what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the very starting point of myself was of fear, where the solution was always/allways to look in common sense of what is actually physically here, where this was not what was taught, myself directing myself in common sense of what is actually physically real, here, breathing and instead I was taught to take on the cares of presentations of myself to serve a monopoly of self interest, itself promoting all that excites this fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take this all personally, where i cannot possibly take care of this systemic inequality alone, as it was built within fearof the many, and thus must be cleared up by the many as the human standing and realizing that the only solution is to stand and realize that life is being owned by fear, each part accepting and allowing this, and the system developed from this a product of the fear of the parts and thus the parts as the human, must realize that common sense has not been taught and is caused by all of us, and thus must we all stand and vote/create/manifest/organize a system of support for life, in common sense, to look see, and understand what is here, to realize ourselves as life, here, where as life we are able to see, understand and exist one and equal to and as what is here as this physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my thoughts, emotions and feelings are the expression of my fear, and my wants, needs and desires are the “more thans” that I believe will elevate me above my fears, and my me-mor-ies are what will show me what not to follow and/or what to follow to hide from myself as life, to support myself within my fear, which means that these actions are myself in lack of self responsibility and self honesty as what I am as the gift of life, right here freely given, all I have to do is forgive my creation of characters and personifications of what I believe I am, to realize myself as life, this that cannot be lost.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that such back chat as inner voices of such derogatory statement such as “ what an idiot, how could they be so stupid,” or “ how could that woman possibly have left that boy with a man who she knew had beaten that boy before!” or “ Why don’t these people “get a life”” or “ This person lacks self responsibility and is causing all of us to have controls placed on us because of laziness”, not seeing realizing and understanding that such “mind” statements are simply myself not being responsible for looking at what would develop such a life form on this earth, as obviously, if self direction is what some are, than this lack of self responsibility has not been what was taught, because this state can be what the human is, it is simply opportunity that is lacking, yet a system of inequality needs alcoholics, sex addicts, ignorance to allow pedestals of inequality to continue.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I fear being what that person is in fact, I fear looking at my own lack of responsibility, and if I look within myself I would see realize and understand this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that many of my reactions are based on avoiding facing being responsible for myself as life, as I choose what will enable myself to survive instead of looking in common sense at the very form of the present system.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, and to realize the amount of constriction within and as my human physical body, how much I actually cringe in fear with every ounce of my physical self.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all disease is a lack of common sense.

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Day 56 My Husband lit himself on fire /hung himself . Suicide

Day 56 My Husband lit himself on fire /hung himself . Suicide

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see realize and understand how stressful a system of survival is, where money determines who lives and who dies, determines if my children will have a decent education, will determine where I live, the state of my health and the existence of life on earth in totality, where I as the human, am responsible for the state of existence on earth as it is the hands of men who have built and accepted  and allowed this world as it is to exist, where no god is coming to save us, now or in some after life, as what is real is this physical world, and as this is what is real, as we have not transcended death and no one has seen the supposed make believe after world, this earth is reality and thus is heaven for the human to create, as no real “god” would want his children’s hands held, would instead want his children to learn to stand, to learn to walk, to learn to breath as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that incessant worry and thinking about money and organizing it, and getting it, and maintaining existence for my children within a system that has made money what is god, as money determines life, where banks are allowed to charge countries high interest overblown loans that cannot possibly be paid back, knowing full well that the bank is turning the resources of these countries - which includes human labor-  into economically indentured servitude where the profits are collected by the few based on a signature on a piece of paper which is in contradiction to this physical world, a planet that gives unconditionally as no label as to who owns what has been placed by nature onto any resource that exists on this earth, thus ownership is created by man, enabling a few to profit and cloister the freely given resources of this earth to benefit only a small portion of the life existent on this earth, enslaving the rest to a petty game of survival where no life is developed, evident in the fact that there is no transcendence of death, and only the worship/warship of an imaginary friend/god promising some image of an afterlife that no one has ever seen.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there comes a point where a person is so filled with frustration and hate and suppression of self as life that that person can no longer take the inner pressure and fear and will decide to release himself/herself from the pain caused by the accumulation of stress and worry and self judgement - as the system promotes that if one does not work one cannot make a living, even though there are billions starving who cannot work as the resource beneath their feet is so easily taken out while supposed charity support is so difficult to get into areas where such starvation exists which if looked at in common sense makes no sense, as obviously if man can fly to the moon man can feed this world and support life, but the few allowed and accepted to own resource must perpetuate the game in order to maintain a status above the rest and cannot allow the full development of the human as the human would then realize equality and oneness, that the physical is what is real and not what is taught as what is broadcast upon this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not not see realize and understand that what is broadcast on this earth will remain resonantly within and as my human physical body as my body is 70% water and this will take a picture - so to speak- of what is here, and this will remain with me and become the “sound” of me, where what is broadcast drives me to believe that success is driving a fancy car, or having an attractive woman, or owning the biggest house, or achieving the greatest power and stature in this physical world, where there is no principle behind the gaining of such things, and no real self directive substantial living that is my self the human able to transcend death, and within this what I am taught to chase is not real, only the creation of a picture in the image and likeness of the very pictures presented by current advertising, which is paid for by those who have a signature on a piece of paper that states ownership on a planet where the earth gives freely.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize, see and understand, that humans sitting around on couches watching television is not life, and is the image and likeness of zombies.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand, that teen agers drinking themselves into  speaking in slurred tongues is not that child being an expression of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that an octogenarian sitting around in a vegetative state is not life, and this state is no way to end a life, and is the indication of a life that has not been lived but merely diminished, the opposite of life blooming to meet death in full awareness and transcendence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that a man hanging himself in an attic, or lighting himself on fire is a loud and clear statement that something is out of LIFE order on this planet.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that when I am sitting in front of some shrink and they are telling me that “it is not my fault” and I become confused and have both thoughts of “yes, somehow it is my fault, and no if i were to hang myself then it would not be anyone’s fault but my own” and somehow the two cannot be reconciled yet both are somehow real, and if I look at this world in totality I will see, realize and understand that I a human as a collective have abdicated my self responsibility, as what has been told to the human to exist as, to love your neighbor as yourself, has not in fact been lived on this planet, and thus the crime of such behaviors as lighting oneself on fire and hanging oneself in an attic is indeed the fault of an allowed and accepted system that does not support life, but only support the profits made by endlessly divided freely given earth resource into a system of separation where money represents resource and is then given ownership as control to a very limited number of people, who then desire to remain on the top where all benefit of ownership and control allow a comfortable slow diminishing life experience instead of a pressure, starvation, disease, existence of a more painful and quick not transcending of death life.

I commit myself to understanding that suicide on this earth is an atrocity, that suicide is unacceptable and not and expression of life, thus, that suicide exists on this planet is a clear and loud scream that what the human is is not life, period.

I commit myself to understanding how the IMF/banking, economic hit-men, advertising, education, the change of a child able to rabidly learn to a child as adult that can no longer learn a new language with ease can be what the human as child into adult becomes, on this earth.

I commit myself to realize the lethargy and tiredness I feel when I come home from work is due to lack of proper nutrition, emotionally resonant beliefs, opinions and ideas that have never been resolved to allow me as the human to direct myself one and equal to life are caused - and are what as been accepted and allowed by every single human being on this earth-  by self abdication of self responsibility as life within, and the acceptance of a monetary system without that does not support life, but instead has turned money into what determines the state of life in this planet, an earth that gives unconditionally and in effect cannot be owned unless the human accepts and allows this.

I commit myself to realizing that there is no excuse that the resources of this earth be used to support all life, no matter what, and within this that each and every thought, emotion and feeling existent within myself that does not support this, is a reflection of where I myself have abdicated myself as an expression of what i am, which is life, where as life I am in fact one and equal to all that exists.

I commit myself to asking myself why I am not aware of all that exists on this earth, that I should be able to trade places with anything on this planet and be ensured of no matter where i am or what i am that I am an expression of life, and not a death of no awareness at death, of no transcendence at death, as this is a clear indication that I am in fact not life.

I commit myself to realizing that I am bitter , that I realize somehow that I have not lived, and that I blame this world, I blame objects and systems of no real name or objective clarity should i stop and really look at where and on what I place blame, that the blame I place is on in fact a system, and that this system is in fact a collection of humans, thus is the blame myself as I am a human, a part of an accepted and allowed system that does not support life, that takes what is freely given by this earth and uses money to divide this life sustaining resource to benefit only a few, causing stress and starvation for others, when what is here can support all life.

I commit myself to forgive all emotions and thoughts and feelings imbedded within, to begin the process of cleaning up a system of inequality on this earth that in fact does not support life so that the children to come will blossom as life and not as a future man lighting himself on fire, or hanging himself in an attic.

Life Review: Know thyself

The Soul of Money