Day 44 A change of plans.

Day 44 A change of plans.

Someone I expected to work with has pulled back. All manner of thoughts came up; blame, spite, anger, justification. None of them held any solution. Just don’t go there. Pointless.

If I go into these thoughts, they spin around, going nowhere, and if I try to be specific, there are none, no specificity.

Ask a person to be specific and most will become irritated. Finally, someone is willing to listen, just requests some specific clarification, and voila, some vaporous abstraction is assumed as the end game. Have a look, it is not. Here, imagine a person being righteous about their undefined answer. It starts to be hilarious and tragic at the same time.

This is what I thought about what was going through my own mind today. There were no answers there.

This is when it “hit me,” where do I go? How do I start? Well, placing my self in the shoes of the one speaking, and using the principle of what is best for all. To do this I require patience and practice. This mirage of the mind, as blame, spite, justification, defense, must stop, as this is the mire that is the age of mankind as mind, an age of mire, where I am the burden of my accepted and allowed me as ire age/ego.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become overwhelmed with the idea of turning from the mind and finding solutions that are not the singularities of the mind, as the mind is a device of memory, as fear of loss, as though a memory is actually a flotation  device to separate my self from my self as life, where my fear becomes my love, one and the same, as this memory/image/idea/belief/judgement/defense  is stagnant, unmoving and to exist as mind, must be supported by myself, created by myself, accepted and allowed by my self. Within this, it is obvious that this image, as thought is separation from what is actually here, this physical world

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what exists as my mind is my own ire.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the letters of this word “ire.”

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see ire, as sound, as, I re ( eye are) meaning that irritation is the eye, as the mind consciousness system in a state of separation of self from here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to get extremely tired while writing this.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to  have felt, as reaction, that I did not know where to go without all my believed irritations as mind.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that my irritations as mind are my separations, where I objectify as label as I believe this to be separate from me, not of me, where in fact this is of me, as the same substance as me, as the very fabric of what is here as me, where being objective is as looking at this fabric of what I am, one and equal to what is here, and within this to be compassionate as the directive of what is best for all, without judgement, to turn the object into the subject of my self, one and equal as a movement towards what is best for all, where I slow way down in and as breath and say no to stagnant label, blame, justification, defense, self pity, feeling of loss, feeling of hope, feeling of hopelessness, desire for gain, want of praise,  where I remain steady in breath, creating a constant of self as life, moving with and as the directive of what is best for all, as it is the being of this movement that is constant, where the slow steady walk of being what is best for all as life, as constant within and as breath remains, as there is nothing else but this, where everything appears to slow way way way down, like the grinding of the wheels of a machine  appearing to move very very very slowly, where this is me, as me, one with me, not made separate from me, as what I have accepted and allowed, to not fear this, to turn within this and begin to attempt to find, to speak, to reverse/stop/recognize my own accepted and allowed behaviors, not punishing my self for my own accepted and allowed debauchery of the mind as this is the realm of non-seeing, of separation, where the shame of this has no purpose but to lead into further debauchery, where all that is, is to take self, as directive, from the point where all that is is one and equal to my self here, as the very substance of life, and to move within this as all as one as equal as the directive principle of what is best for all, here, as all that is is here, as all that can be dealt with is what is here in this moment, where breath is the stability to allow insight, as where I am, into the movement of self as the machine of debauchery that is the mind/behavior of man within a system that allows and accepts the hiding of the debauchery of the mind behind money, to avoid seeing and realizing and facing what self has accepted and allowed in being a belief in singularity, as being separate, as self made object having lost the subject of life.

I commit my self to remaining here, in and as breath, to stop when the irritations and imaginations as mind form an idea, to breath, to remain constant in and as breath, to not react but from the principle of what is best for all, as this is the only way to begin to transform this world for the children to come, as there is nothing else, as allowing the mind is like being intoxicated and thus spinning around in a state of vertigo where relationships are needed as a mechanism of steading the self here, where what steadies is the breath and the directive as what is best for all as the principle of oneness in equality, as blame and label, as object maker, have no movement, have no breath, where non-breath brings no life, and within this the ensuing gloom and doom leads to behaviors of frustration and the prisoner seeks to climb out of its own created grave.

I commit my self to breath, as breath is the salvation from the mind, breath being one with this physical world, being one with what is a god that supports and directs and allows life, this physical world.

I commit my self to remain here within and as breath, to begin to “turn” the movement of my self as the machine i have accepted and allowed as mind, to stop the grinding of its wheels so that I may return from my own accepted and allowed separation into and as mind, and become one and equal to the breath that is that which sustains my self here, as this is life, and places me here in this moment.

The story of us.

How we are our minds

HOw the physical shows us our separations based on our indoctrinations

The way out.

The solution to begin cleaning up this world.

Day 39 Family past and silence

Day 39 Family past and silence

My great Aunt, after I had spent a week with her, one day blurted out that I was a Riotte. The Riottes were a family line from Costa Rica, half Mayan and half German, well they came from Germany and went to Central America. Their lineage  may have been Portuguese jewish -  tribe of rabbinical jews - as what my father found in research, I say this because when my aunt said I was a Riotte she also stated why she said this. She said I had the deep quiet of these people, the Riottes. I looked at her in surprise, most people didn’t notice. This was a family trait.

It is a place I go, and I have been there lately. I remember going there when my husband snapped at me just before he died. He had never done this. I went dumb. Silence. Quiet.

Lately, I haven’t wanted to read words, speak words, look at words, see words. I have been here before, words seem tedious, linear, slow, limited. They do not say anything, they don’t express, they are too “flat.”

One time my parents were arguing, and they asked what I thought. I just looked at them and said, you are both saying the same thing. They continued to argue. I was studying music at college at that time, perhaps this has something to do with this, all I did was play music, I had to listen all the time, so I listened to their words and they were the same song, and trying to take the thing apart and explain what was “same” about it seemed an over whelming task. 

So, the words are beginning to seem to be saying the same thing again and again and again, and as knowledge and information, they hold no substance. Perhaps here is the problem.

Talking ‘at” people does not work, just playing notes does not work. Becoming the “sound” moves the sound. This in a way is trust, letting it all go and trusting becoming not an “at” but a “with.”  Being an “at” is wanting something, being a “with” involves much more physical presence. Does this involve first becoming silent? As there is no other place to go?

A resistance to words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to resist words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am ineffective in using words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words are limited.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that words are useless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that perhaps I am avoiding words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate my self from words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I do not know how to use words and that I always admired people who could use words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I cannot know how to use words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become overwhelmed by words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that using words is difficult.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect fear to words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words move too slowly.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate my self from words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to think of words as being a limitation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to judge words as separate from me, to the point where I go dumb.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words are pointless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that becoming silent has something to do with my genes, which means I am not taking responsibility for my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to within this not realize that knowledge and information without application is useless and that it is not the words in and as themselves, but my application with words that is the resistance.

I commit my self to keep going, reading and speaking words, even at this point where I am resisting words.

I commit my self to pushing through this resistance to words.

I commit my self to pushing my self to read another blog tonight after I write this post, to face words.

I commit my self to pushing through this resistance to words and realize that what I resist persists.

I commit my self to become more aware of the words I use, and to use words within the principle of oneness in equality.

I commit my self to realize that within debates with others and understanding of words used has to be established or communication becomes assumptions ill defined leading to two people talking at one another without an effort put into understanding goes no where.

I commit my self to realizing that sometimes the habitual no longer works and that what ensues is a process of deconstruction, and that this necessitates a silence as the existent patterns no longer serve a purpose and here, all one can do is jump.

The 7 Year Journey to Nothingness

Desteni I Porcess 

Day 5

Day 5

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear what my neighbor might think, and to not stop the self validation conversations in and as my mind, as I remain in the past as I review what transpired within a “neighborly” chat after the interaction occurred, as I believe that I am special in having a conversation with a neighbor, catching my self existing as this, as this is the mind, an infinite design that spins in support of itself through judgement consciously of superiority which is self hiding the polar opposite as a personality created within a system of survival where what is constantly measured is what others will think and thus determine how the being as mind will be judged and thus be accepted in order to survive, where the thoughts of self aggrandizement are hiding  a self created persona of inferiority accepted and allowed by  my self and created through childhood by parents and society that exists in the image and likeness of separation into and as the personification of competition and survival, where self never learned to direct self as life, as self feared self as life,  for which I am responsible as I accepted and allowed this and thus I am the creator of my own self separations.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that until I as self as life stand equal and one to life, stand as my self as a directive as life within and as the principle of what is best for all, and develop with a group and voice in and as a collective big enough to stand up within this present system of profit before life, that which is eternal as life will not be the self as my self standing equal and one with this that is eternal, and thus will I not realize my self as life, as I have not stood with and as life, as that which is eternal, not realizing that this is in fact quiet simple, if I cannot stand one and equal with that which is me, life, then I simply do not become life; If i do not jump in the river then I will not get wet, I will not swim, I will not taste the water, I will not become the water of life, the stream of life, I will remain a vaporous projection as what I have become, standing as a reflection on the side, thinking I am real, when what is real is that river.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not have enjoyed this neighbor in the moment been as clear as I am able and then to have gone onto the next moment in and as breath, utilizing breath to remain here, in this moment with what is physically here, instead of/ and afterwards not catching my self going into my mind and continuing the support of the mind through the re-enactment of my past to validate what I have accepted and allowed my self to exist as, as an illusion in self validation in and as belief, thereby separating myself into a mere reflection separate from life, that substance that is here in every moment handing to me, with great ease, my self as life, able to become one and equal to life and thus becoming eternal in and as what is eternal that is what is this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that whenever I exist in and as my mind I am separate from here, and thus separate from what is real, and thus not practicing the self as my self as life, and within this ignoring what is actually here, that is life, so do I abdicate my self as life, and thus I abdicate ease, and create my own dis-ease!

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not remain in and as breath in every moment and diligently realize the back chat in and as my mind and also look to the mirror image as what is in my mind and forgive the thought, and forgive the emotion and feeling and desire behind the thought and realize how this separation causes consequences on this earth that do not support all life equally as my separations effect the allowance and acceptance of life for all that is of this earth, the plants , the animals and the humans, my self included.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that my self as mind has become habitual and thus it will take absolute dedication and will to monitor how I have existed as mind.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I do not know how to be social and thus when I interact with others I tend to replay the interaction to pat my self on the back, or to support my self against my own accepted and allowed insecurities developed and built into a persona based on the very personalities of parents and friends and society and culture that existed in and as separation from life as life was feared and self abdicated self as life  to be directed by beliefs and opinions and ideas based on collected past traditions that had become what was believed to be supportive and individual and special, when within this the essence of what was the foundation of all of this was life, the very substance as life and therefor holding onto the past as self definition was self  in separation from life/here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need validation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  not catch my self as existing as a personality in and as , within this instance, being inadequate in communicating with people and fearing being judged as unacceptable to walk with.

I commit my self to remaining in and as breath in every moment and stopping my self from going into my mind and replaying past events to fix/validate/confirm an image I have of my self and within this realize that I am existing as a belief that I am lacking, which is self not accepting self as life, this is self competing with what is here and supporting self through interactions with others instead of being a directive principle as self in every moment where I as self as life am a living word as what is best for all within the principle of oneness and equality.

I commit my self to stopping my own accepted and allowed separations into and as mind, as energy and I stop and I breath and bring my self back to my self as life and I direct my self within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all is best for self here.

I commit my self to realizing in every moment in every breath what separations from self as life i have accepted and allowed, and I stop the behaviors through breathing and directing my self within what is best for all, when I talk with others socially I breath and speak without expectation or the seeking of opportunity I simply breath and direct my self within simply being without desire , want and need.

I commit my self to stopping separation into and as reviewing past events within and as mind to validate my self, and realize that my mind shows me where I have separated from my self here, and thus this imagery as mind is not to validate but to show me how I have separated from my self into and as self validation in and as mind where I am actually hiding my own insecurities and fears.

I commit my self to realizing that the mind is ego, energy-go, where I exist as a polarity of insecurity and superiority in separation of my self being a directive principle as my self as life, one and equal to all that exists on this earth, and thus I stop and I breath and I forgive the mind, the fear and I take it all back to my self and I direct my self as what is best for all to correct what I have accepted and allowed as fear of my self in wanting an idea of self to exist instead of being and accepting my self as life, that which is one and equal to all that is of existence on this earth.