Day 816 Writing out where I am at.

There must be a point of closing a gap between meeting one’s zone of proximal development or path of least resistance, within what is essentially a narrow band of memorized and practiced information. Such point of real presence can be lived in every moment, in every breath.  Mistakes compound as well as what is a more correct action, as our movements accumulate and automate. The practice of real presence, of and as a greater knowing from having developed a real presence and respect of creation, here, must also be present as a cross reference that is of real balance, and this having a quality of awe and joy. Therefore there really is no such thing as criticism and we are all sensitive as the very means of this!  When, if I look at nature and what I have discovered in relation to the native plants surrounding me, I realize the gamut of taste, of qualities within eating what is considered by today’s mass monocultural food industry,  that the qualities of “ weeds” have a greater depth, much like a the layers of paint in mastery of movement in creating a painting: one has a larger gamut of measure and therefor sees greater living qualities, and can produce a more specific work.

An example of this overall is from when I allowed my children and a friend to open a gallery in my living room one summer. The three artists that hung work attracted different people. What was most revealing to me, as my own reaction, was the one student who was more on the beginner level. They painted simple imagery, of, for example, a vase with simple flowers. A very rudimentary picture. One man came in went straight towards that picture, not seeing the other images. He bought that simple vase, done by the beginner, because that was where he was at, that was his idea of a pleasing image. It fit his gamut of ideas, beliefs and opinions. This is not a bad, it simply is what it is. Even within this, there is room for insight, as some of us are geniuses once a year, and others perhaps more than once a year, yet we are all genius! That part of ourselves is more of our potential self, it is who we really are. NO ONE can give this to ourselves but ourselves. Which is awesome. If we look, in reality, we don’t really want someone else to give it to us! Self discovery is what life and living is about! Creating with respect of what is best, is in itself, real freedom.

Yet, the point in all of this in correspondence to the “ weeds” and our eating habits is, for me at the moment, a reflection of the narrow band of information we exist as from the present system that is here through the acceptance of this narrow band, or accepted frequency that is of limited information that is superimposed on reality, through the device of salt and water as our physical bodies ( I mean why are television ads so repetitive ! And, what is being souled/sold/practiced? )  - so to speak. This acceptance  creating this projection of imagery come to be a norm is yet in reality a habituation that causes mis-takes in movement and expression of that means of being creative and present in all things. It is this place of all things, being in respect of it, which is the physical reality around us, that the degree of qualities in the living world around us, is of so much more, or, of great abundance, that a moment of breathing and living with what is here, can open this that is more natural up. One must begin to realize the depth of the state of separation, as the resonant projection of and as energy from thinking, and instead to choose to become more stable and present in all things that is of a greater abundance. The focus demanded of that equality and oneness with this living reality, would naturally be of a state of greater peace, because one must be focused, which is where we are most able to be and utilize a greater haptic ability in each small movement and act. That state of focus, which has an absence of the emotional pressures, built of energy created from thoughts of value judgements causing a distraction that becomes an imagined narrow band of focus, resonant within. Focus here, the self here, being present has less pressure, from a certain perspective. Even the chemistry of the body would act differently! Being focused in this way, lends greater joy, and opens more discovery.  To slow down and practice that state of focus, allows one to realize greater patterns around one, as a greater focus ability opens discovery.  It is in the end all a math! Everything is therefore a system!

Our so called “ weeds” have a greater depth of flavor, of color, of touch, of qualities. Thus, our “ weeds” reflect the abundance that no longer exists in our monopolized agricultural food industry. This same aspect must exist in many of our acceptances come to be considered a norm and habituated.  Since we are programmed to remain within that gamut/ band of color/flavor/quality,  and it is a foundational program that has been systemized over generations by those who came before us, that one could say, creeps up on us, without us realizing the limitations of that, and how it automates as habit at the expense of the greater whole, reflects the degree of an absence of real focus in reality within so many of our actions. It is really astounding!  Everything is a system, even a system of systemized limitation, or narrow focus on selective qualities held as imagination and thus distraction from reality can be of a resonance within. And yet, we will not find happiness until we  are equal and one with all things, being focused here, which has a quality of peace, which lends a balance of a more gentle soundness manifest as our behavior. And, here, this would have a more haptic quality, as we would be of a focus here that allowed a more correct simple action in every moment! This is where we create, which is more natural. Would that not be the moment revealed in such statements as a moment of being a genius that is actually within each and every one of us as the life that is us ! Within this, and in great simplicity, would this not be what being the living word would mean? 

Day 608 We are resonant beings, what we allow we become.

I watched this interview with Noam Chomsky here.

What I see is that he follows a principle, within taking that which is good and does no harm, as in pointing out actions that are not beneficial to humanity. This crosses all racial, class, nationality borders.  This practice in itself exposes  the spin of a media controlled by the law of profit before the principle of respecting this earth. The earth, just like a child, was here without religion, without human language, without borders. Today, we have financial/corporate systems  of control in limited self-as-belief-construct interest that divide values created from freely given resources through the labor of men, and animals into a forced value system that is against life, via the media, All men were born without religion, without language, without judgements that one man was more than another, that a man was more than an animal, that a man was more than the soil. Our young children have no judgements about such things until this is placed as an idea within them. What children do is investigate, they put everything into their mouths, they touch everything, they explore, their natural drive is to understand the physical, what is here, this life information.

The sins of the fathers, an old term that has been around for a very very long time tells us something; it tells us that we are resonant beings, and that what we allow as the forms accepted and allowed as belief, opinion and idea within us, can be transferred to others, to the next generation.  We see this same understanding in cultures of a belief  that if a man sleeps with a woman, she is then dirty. So something is being passed around resonantly. Is it ironic that in both phrases, these being ‘ the sins of the fathers’ and this belief that once a man sleeps with a woman she is dirty, that the blame is placed on something other than the object speaking the words or carrying the blame for the consequence!?  That is like saying I am  not responsible for what is within me!

Also, our education system, as education, is what enables us to ‘ climb’ the ladder of success. Education systems do research and that research makes it clear that exposure builds awareness, because exposure is building awareness of what? Of practical reality, or- and this is part of the smoke and mirrors show- learning a code, as language and numbers, to move imaginative structures around on paper as a way to separate what is real from one another, which is what actually happens on the ground. I mean, that plant grows because of that seed planted, and that seed grows when it has exposure to sunlight, and water, etc. etc. So, we know, that children become what is placed within them. And we know that lack of opportunity means a person who has had little opportunity to direct themselves in this world. Those babies in the orphanages in Romania, the ones that we left without care, their development was non-existent, at three they were still lying in bed as though they were new borns. This is a crime against life. Punishing that three year old child for acting like a new born, what does that do? It does nothing, absolutely nothing. It is a crime against life. The only solution here, is to take that child, and rebuild, through slow and steady, repetitive exposure, with care, with space and time to expand, and yes, it will be slower than had this been done from the beginning,  but it can be done. And, there may be a few, who don’t make it, but more than likely 85% percent will make it, as studies/experiments suggest, that when homeless are given money, at least 85 percent will go and spend it on basic needs, the rest, those who are probably to far gone and have given up, will spend it on things that are not what is best for them. And within this, if 85% of those who are in lack were given the opportunity to expand through doing, through opportunity,  then so many of those objects of blame the rest of us see these beings as, would become self responsible people who no longer could be the object of ridicule, an act that hurts the person ridiculing too,  because it is an act of continued ignorance of reality and not an action of investigation into understanding how this world works. Which is a very important point Noam Chomsky pointed out; that when reactive and potentially and real destructive behaviors become the expression of men, it is to understand why and how this came about, especially since we know what develops a child, and because we know that children are not born with language and we know that resonantly what we allow in one generation remains and expresses itself as the sins of the fathers, because we are resonant beings. There is no mumbo jumbo about this, the reality of it is here right in front of us through so much of our understanding and our research as to how we form etc.

And yet, we have allowed a media, that is the voice of a corporate structure that follows the law of profit before life and touts it again and again through limited perspective - like a false representation that because of how we humans work and absorb, becomes  dis-information that is mis-information - which agains means we are resonant beings that learn through or absorb when EXPOSED to forms!.  Look, our present system is the same as communism, but with a more  layered system order. We have a government that touts democracy, and a financial/corporate system that divides and conquers using religion ( which was a earlier layer of division - of the soul- into a belief that there is something more out there, somewhere that no one has ever seen - with any consistency, and measured through science - so it does not exist this afterlife, which is ironically called an after-life, lol - where supposedly we  can go and listen to an old man on a chair talk about what ? I don’t really know because no one has come back with any consistency to tell us- and or, a place where there are lots of clean woman ...... to make dirty? I guess - lol. This makes no sense really.) and national borders based on regions that developed traditions based on agricultural practices that then define someone, and have to be maintained, and on and on and on goes the spin, and science cannot be for real because we would lose our traditions, because we cannot change traditions. But traditions were developed from practice, and things change, so this is also a separation from presence, here, being in resonance with reality, here, moving with creation here, this place that is of afterlife. Does this make sense?  Anyone?

Back to the present layer of the onion, an opinion onion. Interesting, ‘ opinion’ has pi in the onion. So, opinion is circle upon circle. Sounds like this could be the halo effect, maybe when we could still see it, as in the medieval period where people painted this?!  And, you know those saints were the educated, the ones with time to think, to think from paper lines ( earlier misuse of media?), to build inner constructs of thinking, as abstractions of life, as imaginations of IDEAS- sounds to me like what television does today! You know, that veil that eastern religions say we have to remove. Is it not interesting that Jesus said to forgive. Perhaps it was to forgive this onion pi we carry that is the things placed into us we allow to define us because in the original sin sense we each accepted and allowed ideas to define us, in lieu of practical reality, instead of taking that which is good and does no harm, living the principle of doing what is best for all, where one is not for or against any group, but is a practivist, a principled person, who points out what does not work, and what does work, and takes the time to understand that we are all the same, and that our basic needs as physical resonant beings, must be met, and that with opportunity we can learn, and that change happens and that joy of life is to interact and discover, and expand and grow and that no one has to be left behind, as we are all parts of this expression that is THE life, here, this earth, this is it. We decide.

Change yourself, equalize yourself to life. Be the change you wish to see. DIPLite 

Day 607 Mindfulness follow through into writing out thoughts, self forgiveness and corrective application.

I listened to a talk about a practice of ‘ mindfulness.’ This is where a person slows down and breathes as thoughts come up in their head. It is to realize that the thoughts coming up in one’s head are not who one is.

This was likened to a globe filled with water and something that looked like snow, one of those globes that one shakes and watches the snowy looking substance fly around, creating a mini snow storm in a bubble of glass that is what the mind is as thoughts. The act of breathing is the practice of ‘ mindfulness, “  to slow down and remain in the breath, until the snow settles, allowing one to ground oneself here and not react as the thoughts that are analogous to the flying snow. 

Evidently this works better with children up to the seventh grade, I believe. One practice is to take the index finger from one hand and trace the outline of the other hand while breathing, which is a practice of physically grounding oneself here, and thereby distracting one from the thoughts that may lead to an action based on the thought that when acted upon becomes what defines one, because one has to then face the consequences of one’s thoughts acted upon in real time. 

I have to ask the question here as to why this is not as successful with older students? Of course, prevention is the best cure, and teaching this act of slowing down and breathing , grounding oneself here, allows the space and time to realize that one’s thoughts must not be what one becomes in action.  If our minds working as thoughts become much like the globe analogy, why is this practice not as effective with older students? Do we over time become a constant snow storm, as the thoughts become the directive of who we are, when allowed to remain without being cleared overall? Meaning do our thoughts, when not cleared, become who we are? This would mean that humans are programmed by what they think.

Does our media teach us to think in ways that teach direction in this world that brings us no harm? And are we taught to chase false positives that do not tell the whole story, and lead us down a path where we chase the dream, the limitation of an only part of reality, to find that so many things were not considered and that dream becomes clouded by having to learn the details of living that were never taught?

Even this practice of mindfulness, though a good I thoroughly support, is not enough. That ‘ snow’ has to be cleaned up, because that snow is as snow does, it is crystalized thought, which is our beliefs, our opinions, and our ideas, accumulated from an environment that is in separation from practical living, from reality, That snow is - so to speak- the partial story of existence made huge, so much so that it becomes a square peg forced into a round whole, meaning that the partial story is a limited story, that is not equal to practical reality, and because it is not equal, it is too large to fit into the cells, it programs a human who does not fit into practical living and the consequences of this cause a human  body to act in mis-informed ways, causing a dis-association from actual living, leading to existential problems because of processing limited information that does not dignify the human, and thus suppresses the full potential of each man on the ground. Who are we to blame? We cannot blame anyone but ourselves because we accepted it.

Our schools and our lives have become a regiment of separation from practical reality. Our children do not have the time, and the space to slow down and ‘ read’ practical reality, thereby building an awareness within that has practical ability in living in common sense, which is being in communion with life as the physical. A sense is of hyper-sexuality, of wanting fame without understanding the steps necessary for development and the joy in building this development. They have no sense of nature, of where what they eat comes from and what happens with the ingredients as the waste from what we eat moves into the physical natural world around us. They are not taught that they have a natural learning ability, and that learning the words and the numbers is simply learning a code of communication that is how humans communicate, and that one must have the exposure to this, and the time, the space to understand it, and that we can all learn this if given the time, and that therefor, we are all the same in how we learn, but different in our expressions as some have an interest in this, and others in that.

The consequence of this is a manifested financial system mirroring this state within, that rewards only a few and punishes lack without addressing what is already known, that humans become what they are exposed to. This understanding that humans become what they are exposed to is used in self interest for a few as well, to maintain power and control. And this control is an illusion, because it abuses life to play a game that is in itself a separation from life. So, the few are the extremes that model what each is allowing as thoughts. One could say the few are simply protecting themselves from those who have accepted and allowed thoughts that are oneself not investigating and looking at the whole and the parts. The means to realize this are here, always right in front of each of us, so the blame for what we allow and act upon, is within ourselves.

Our thoughts are what we believe, and if our thoughts are not considerate of all things, taking the time to investigate reality, then what actions we take based on what we have accepted ourselves to believe, are the fault of what we have allowed ourselves to see and to not see, because we chose self interest over life. The other extreme end of this, are those who are starving as a consequence of this system that mimics this self interest before life. If one owns a car, and has a table and bed to sleep in, then one is the elite of this world. One has the responsibility to breath, to slow down and look at one’s thoughts and how they were formed and the value judgements they contain, and to forgive them and self correct through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application, as this is how that snow in the bubble of our minds, our buy-bill , can be cleared and structurally grounded back into life here, as this earth is life information. In other words, the water in that bubble, must be clear, because this is a clear memory, this is a mind as thoughts that sees directly here, and thus is equal and one to life as this is respecting the physical world that is the means of life.

Day 603 The courage of water

The courage of water

I have had a problem in my chest for a while. It has taken time to begin to slow down the protective shield based on ideas, beliefs and opinions. And, that what I have allowed is so habituated, as my actions, in reaction based on fear, which is myself accepting and allowing an inferiority to life, as life would be what is best for all, as an expression, because the real purpose is creation, in and as what does no harm, what takes that which is good and does no harm, transforming in a moment, fearing not an expression, because the structure as the physical shows the way, in form and function.

Sometimes this movement in my chest becomes warm, like a liquid, and other times I can feel it tensing up, as I allow a program of moral righteousness and/or an idea of competition, where I compare myself to another within allowing a very limited ideology/belief/conception/perspective.

Other times, it feels like a hole is in my chest, where I have not caught up in practical application as my own structural alignment with being here, focusing here.

Water is here, it has the courage as is its nature to mold into every form here, even into the very rocks of this earth, through the layers of clay underground, into everything, and everything is of this substance, this water.

Thus, I can become any accepted belief, as being such in a moment, to understand need not define me as who I am here, in a moment, because the next moment comes and with this change, just as water changes and circulates and moves on this earth. In this respect water is courage, and courage is water -like. And we were told that we had to move from the heart, on this earth, that is our hearth, here; hearing heaven here is allowing the courage like substance as water as self as life here when aligned as this nature as self as life, using the abstract making quality of the mind - that which can become a concrete embedded structure that lacks common sense directive when held as hallow ground as being more than that from which it builds its program. This is in essence playing god, leading nowhere, which means the now of time, here, and we have been told that time is the illusion. So, the joke is on you - mindbot. lol, it is a saying that reveals its outcome, mind  only bottoms you out, like a pyramid scheme will eventually bottom out as is happening here on earth unless we become our real nature, that of courage, which is the nature and characteristic of water, which happens in the heart, the earth, the hearth, I mean there is a reason why the sounds in these words are the same. Is there not? It is like the pictograph of the word heart, as the ‘h’ is like a chair, and that chair ‘h’ is before the ear - the hearing/hereing  of self in the cross roads, as the cross, as the ‘t.’  So it is the choice to sit on the chair and stare/stair the shadows on Plato’s wall as one’s experiential mental map that has now manifested into a system of same limitations or to become equal and one to the physical, to make the choice to respect the physical as life in formation, and to accept self as life and become equal and one as a creator. It is to accept the transformative quality of self and direct from this to develop and return to the means to pass through the eye of the needle into eternity as becoming equal and one to the essence that is life. This way and means with which we are born, that has been moved into some fantasy world of religion and consumerism,  is much simpler than lead to believe as the action is a practical one, which is right here in front of us; we need only accept this, because in reality it is freely given. Time to put down the apple and return to the presence of the tree. Then maybe the tree will become the choice of freedom, the tree, when becoming equal in awareness to it, one comes under the dome of freedom.

You have the courage, as what you are to stand and equalize to here. This is to choose freedom, to begin the process of alignment to life, as the physical, and to realize that each part reflects and as such substantiates who you are as a creator because who you really are as life fits perfectly into life.

The process of self forgiveness is to forgive the judgements of being inferior or superior, of removing comparison and competition, to equalize through stopping the voices of one’s past of uncertainty and the voices of a lineage of ancestors that were not themselves equal to life as including the physical world as life - caught in an idea of something greater that is and was a metaphysical construct in separation from reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not listen, to within this, not see, realize and understand that I can become what another believes, opinions, or idealizes as such cannot define me, but I can understand as the nature of courage as that being like water, to realize the conception of another and to take this and bring this into a from that takes that which is good and does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge, to become inferior to what is here, and /or superior in fear of loss of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined in and as, and within this, to use meta-physical mental action to understand and equalize understanding and then to take this and move this into what does no harm , taking that which is good and referencing practical physical reality to consider all life, as the physical and begin to rebuild a life on earth that considers all things in ways that do no harm, to create heaven on earth, and as such to live with courage as is the real nature of my myself as the word courage is the word heart.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my ego is my accepted and allowed metaphysical ideology in separation from accepting the gift of life in manifestation which is the physical world here, right in front of me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand my own accepted and allowed separation into ideas, beliefs and opinions where I move as judgement, resisting that which limits or does not substantiate my survival character, as my self definition that was built in self interest only, separating me from myself as life, rejecting life as it rejected the physical, this physical being the way and the means of myself here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have rejected the courage of myself as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that bring right was a fixed thing, when being here, in consideration of practical reality as the physical was “ righting” myself here, with every breath, to cross reference practical reality and participating in creation as the physical becoming sound with and as the means of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that being here, accepting the physical is real substantiation to and as life here.

When and as I find myself thinking only, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, to become equal and one to and as the physical to substantiate life, as the physical here.

When and as find myself wanting to be right, I stop, and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I listen, I hear, to bring myself here, equal and one with the physical, to begin to walk with and as the practical measure as the physical world, to become equal in sound with the physical, and thus substantiating myself here as life.

When and a s I find myself moving into fear, I stop, I slow down, I breath, I realize where I have not taken the time to be courageous and slowed down to understand the conceptual form around me, and I take the time to investigate and to discover that which is good and does no harm, here.

When and as I find myself believing that I must protect myself in fear of loss of something as an idea, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the space is here, and that this is eternal, thus I have the time to slow down and review, as investigate all things, listening to hear the heart of the matter, and to reflect on this, and move this into what would be best for all because what is best for all is best for myself here, and to be thankful and grateful for all expression around me, as the expression around me is perspective of this reality, and as such, if I allow this, builds my own courage as life, as this expands my awareness of and as life here.

Day 566 The usurious smoke and mirrors valley of good and evil. HALOgraphics as mind/consciousness.

I had an movement this week where I was like in a fog, as I moved by association, a collection of values guided by a random projection onto objects that I as mind am not always aware of. This keeping me locked and inferior to really transforming  with the life around me into understanding, as what I have allowed to build as a  wall of protection and self defense All an idea to remain within the pyramid of survival, always  a pyramid scheme that will not sustain, is not sustainable, just as what men are doing as the world system, as this is the manifestation of what each is within that has become an imposed system without, forcing itself to get its limited way, inferior to life, disrespectful of the physical. We need only look to Ukraine, to Syria, and to Israel and to many other parts of the world to see, realize and understand this. and we all hide in spite and blame, projecting responsibility onto others to avoid the gift of life as a capacity to work with physical earth existence in ways that do no harm, and create a world where the needs of physical beingness  can be met as this is life in expression, this is the means of life. As mind we divide by association and create a persona of limited measure, using a means that divides the substance of life into a good and a bad, an energetic polarity system,  where we take that which we believe is good because it fits into a self definition that we fear moving out of having forgotten ourselves as life in a constant state of physical transformation, a slow process to give one the time to participate and discover and create,  not scary when accepted, but scary in relation to fearing to change, when the change is life in expression, as this movement is the joy of and as life here, so, we give up our joy to hold onto an idea, and then reject a small measure of change, as what does not fit that idea, and reject  it, blaming and spiting what lacks and does not support this. And this is the source of the pyramid scheme on earth that is overall a separation from common sense, from what circulates and sustains the physical world. We must choose life, as this is what we all want, beyond the confusion of the mind, our stability is to become equal to the physical, which means to practically respect is, which is to act in ways that do no harm, which is to give as we would want to receive.

One has to forgive the spite and the blame, and open up the map of association, built of beliefs, opinions and ideas, to undo the self accepted knot that is an undulating smoke and mirrors show, that is the valley of good and evil, one that envelopes as mind, right here, as each of us, our separation from practical reality, as the physical.  The physical that can change in a seeable transformative way, that one need not fear but first each must give up what is a burden of self definition, one that weighs each down if we allow and accept it. The only choice is to become equal and one to and with and as the physical, realizing that each expression as the physical as earth, is what enables a definition that moves as one in creation in totality. This is what we all seek, here. Thus our system without of usury must come to an end.  Our minds within playing a protection and defense game, building a wall of separation from ourselves,  built of association as values held onto to define ourselves as what is a dis-ordered personality, an inner usurious act, must stop spinning as this is a halo of thoughts so occupying that perspective of all parts as the physical REAL world is ignored, cannot be seen, and this inner action, consumes the flesh of and as us to ignite itself, and so we die, never having lived and in the process destroying the lives of the children, the next generation of life, one that will come to an end, for all things on earth as earth unless we stop, and we breath, and we slow ourselves down to see, realize and understand our separation from the gift of life, of which the process of self forgiveness and writing and corrective application is the action.

Day 559 Reacting to the statement " too much reality." Self forgiveness

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to another when they react to too much reality, and as such move into  limited value instead of seeing the conflicting beliefs that are often different sides of the same coin, in a world where such exists as the expression of men at present, each not seeing realizing and understanding how the separation as the conflicts, are simply based on beliefs that one aspect of reality is more than another having made the mind as belief, larger than the life, as the physical on which it depends.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that responding to emotions and feelings  within and as giving direction again and again is all that there is, which is to speak about how the physical world works, the accepted forms of the present system of hierarchy held in place through judgement within polarities of good and bad, right and wrong,  where the “ right” is often a justification for a judgement of a “ wrong,” that are of division into a slow measure where the divisions are connected through endless associations of mixed dimensions, a busy work that build constructs that are believed to give meaning, and are really an abdication of practical common sense, where the gift of life, as the nature of life, is to use common sense to be here, to work with and be equal to, the physical as this is the way and the means, the very expression of and as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to to ask the question as to why a heaven existence would be separate from this physical existence, in and as not realizing that a physical existence of suffering, cannot be life, as one cannot be life when one is suffering because when one is lying in a bed dying, one is lying in a bed dying, which is not one in action developing potential, seeing directly what is here, as one is too busy suffering, thus of course, earth is a containment, where those who did not stand equal and one to and as themselves as life, are collected, to live the consequence of their separation from and as what they are composed of and as, which is life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up in common sense, where I have used simple words, and used them again, and not taking the time to see, realize and understand that they must be said again and again and again, probably as many times as our present advertising world has touted misinformation until it was believed to be what is real, when it is not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that having to listen to the rant of the mind, which is a self in separation from practical reality, is tedious.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take it personally when a simple directive is repeated and yet unheard, as the mind will, like an addiction to alcohol, seek that which validates it and as such will feel as though it is not getting its fix, and as such will react, thus, when and as I find myself wondering how long I am supposed to take the storm of separation in and as the mind, I stop and I breath, as this is becoming a want, in and as wanting something to end, where I stop listening and become that which I resist, and to see, realize and understand that there is a point where one walks away, as the rant of the mind, is unacceptable, thus it is to, once again, use common sense and realize when and as I go into hoping for a change.

When and as I find myself becoming frustrated I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down.

When and as I find myself beginning to search for another way of saying something, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, then I remember myself to and as the principle of what is best for all, to see, realize and understand the best possible outcome and take that which is good, and does no harm, and stand as what can withstand the test of time, as what can remain the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

When and as I find myself searching for words, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I look at how I am accepting and allowing myself to become confused, as in searching for words, for example, that I believe within a morality are polite, are socially acceptable, and I see realize and understand that I am looking for a measure that will appear to be non-confrontational, and realize that this in itself is a separation into an idea, thus I stop, and I stand within how human beings have abdicated their own common sense of practical reality, that which is the way and the means of life, which can be investigated by each and every human, where one must, eventually make a decision within common sense of practical physical reality, to birth self into and as life, as this is the only choice, one that no one can make for another, and no amount of research done by another can answer this being of self in common sense here, as self must take this upon self to become equal and one to and as life here, and since there is so much disinformation and misinformation that has been accepted and allowed, there is no one to do this for any one of us, as each must stop, and do this as this is the only way to life, here, and yet, the practical reality, as the gift of life, is right here in front of us, showing the way and the means to life.

Day 557 A belief as " having to contend with a group."

Memory pops up of middle school. Lost my “ best “ friend. When I found out she was running for Orchestra President, I decided to run too. I ran and I won. She cried at the bus stop that day. I was a mixture of elation at having won and guilt that I had run in reaction. I realize at that moment too, that she had moved into another circle of friends, all of whom were more sexually mature than I. 

So, this memory, this imagination comes up with the word “ some.”  A sense that I have to begin to contend with the collective, the forces of social groups, more like I become aware of them. And with this a sense that I have to comply with this or lose ground.  A sense that the limitation of this, cannot be, I can’t allow it.

It is this idea that i have to contend with a group, a social group. But inherent in the “ contend” is the belief that a group is contentious in relation to me. That there is a con - dition in relation to being involved with the social groups formed around me. When I am with a group I must tend to the “ intentions “ of the group. I have already separated myself from myself as life in and as a belief that I as life must live by the limited, but not all “ bad” values of the group and forgo myself com[pletely. But, in reality, as physical beings in life expression, there is really only that which is best for all, as what is best for this physical world, as the expression of life, is what is best for me. Anything, any resistance is really a resistance to being myself as life in common sense of respect for the physical formation of and as life, the manifestation of  creation, the physical showing what works and what resists the expression of life, all of which moves and changes, and which, as this change, as this manifestation, can only happen here. It is only HERE that life can exist. It is only here, that direct seeing can exist. And here, words on paper, and more words on paper as laws that bind them, can create a world that lives in a past, a selective past, which is a limitation. Which means that a control in self interest fears change, and has taken an idea about itself, and made it more than life, wanting the world around it, to change in an order that allows it to remain the same. And the physical world is always in a state of movement, so such must limit the life moving around it.

So, either moving as myself here, or within a group, as in facing the social groups within this present system, the principle that directs must remain the same, which is to be self as life, which is to move as what is best for all, which is common sense. One can investigate, and the group can investigate, to ensure that what is in action, is what considers all life and does what is best for all. The present divisions each clusters into to survive, that each lies by omission to remain within, a form of ignorance, that change over time as the limitation accepted as the group belief system, eventually does change, because the limitation turns into a sense of loss and/or becomes aware of its own limitation, and a more is sought, self not realizing that it is self who has accepted the limitation, which has nothing to do with the group. So the group disperses, not wanting to admit that the choice to be in the group in the first place, had a starting point of limitation, having believed that the group would be a gain. And as such all constancy is lost, and one does not build an awareness that allows one to stand the same, today, tomorrow and yesterday, where one has the directive capacity to respect the life that is here.

A group is a gain, as in men working together, but the principle directing the group must be equal to the principle within self, which is to do what is best for all, as what is best for all is best for self, as self is a physical manifestation of and as life, the physical being the means of life.

I mean we see this in the practices of men all around the world, how the physical substance of this world is being used and divided without regard for consequences. Not only is the resources of and as the very physical means of the expression of life taken apart, divided and then marketed to create a demand based on an idea that is a truth about singular aspects of practical living, but also, the spoils of such is transferred onto paper and divided in unequal ways, and the waste is left for the ones who actually did the labor, and the means of access, as money, is upholding a group sustaining an idea of being more based on appearance of values, selective ones,  and the vocal means to tout them, having accumulated the wealth that is an illusionary value placed onto a piece of paper. It is like a collective amnesia has become what mankind is. And this amnesia, is self fearing to stand as what self is, as life, where what would disperse this amnesia, is a directive, as a principle, to do what is best for all.

So, I stand as the principle of what is best for all, as this is what is best for self, and as this is what can withstand the fickle nature of groups that give no stability because the motivation is based on beliefs, opinions and ideas, and as this is what can lead to stability within self, to see directly here, something that would bring a constancy instead of a con-tention, to see directly  and look for what supports this world, this physical manifestation of and as life, in ways that allow a participation that leaves no one behind, that leaves no waste, that has no one getting to a point where they become a belief that they have to contend with a group. Each has done this, and each knows it is a separation from self as life,here. It is time to put an end to this, and to stand as what is best for all, as this is what is best for self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have to contend with a group, as a starting point.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see a group as separate from me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give a group an ominous presence, as something that is composed of idea only, and not what is real, as the physical formation of and as life, as that inherent within the physical forms which is the nature of life, which is to do what is best for all, realizing that at present the imaginations of men have become more than what is real, which is the physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from a group, and standing within and as me as a belief that I must attend to the beliefs of the group, and forgo, forget myself as life, which is myself moving as mind as a starting point of belief instead of standing as all of me as myself as a physical being, the manifestation of and as the means of expression of life, which is the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within this belief as contending with a group, I have accepted and allowed myself to become an idea as mind, before equality and oneness with and as the physical here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the physical world is the means of the expression of and as life, and as such, this respect of the physical, must be realized and understood as the starting point of choices made as self, which when the choice of each, would transform this world in a very short period of time, to a world of discovery, support, transformation: transformation being the real value, one lived with common sense, the most fulfilling experience because it moves in consideration of all life, of all expression, with what is tangible, as imagination is just this, an image in and as mind, and not the full sensation of life, as the physical.

When and as I find myself believing I must contend with a group, or as this, a belief system, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that I am existing as idea as mind, and I look to the beliefs done in comparison in self definition as beliefs, and I forgive such beliefs, and investigate to see what is best for all, which is to consider all things as me, and to choose that which is good and does no harm, and within this realizing that at present because of the separation into and as limited ideas as mind before life, that this is going to take come collective effort to balance out from a past composed of choices that were made in separation from equality and oneness to and as life, and yet, can transform in less time than the accumulation of separation took in time, as time is the illusion of separation, and the physical world is here, as it has always been.

When and as I find myself feeling contentious, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand where I am reacting in self interest beLIEving I will lose a belief about myself- having accepted such as a self definition in separation from common sense, in and as wanting to prove, for example,  that I am worthy when the world is changing around me and I had remained in a past, or stop what I as belief find limiting and or unacceptable as my own generated energetic actions of blame and spite based on a cultural morality, or accepted definitions of gender, instead of as a directive capacity within the principle of equality and oneness, and or, join in to survive, I stop and I investigate within and without, to become a directive principle in and as what is best for all, and move as a solution  as that being what in practice builds step by step, what is of a common sense measure of awareness that is equal and one to and as the physical to see realize and understand that which respects the physical, which means in practice, taking that which is good and does no harm, here, as time is the illusion, and what is real can only be here, which many realize in their daily lives and as such, must be realized collectively and placed structurally as a system with all that is of this world.

Day 514 through the veil - to be directive in the way of becoming of sound mind.

I have been looking at facing other people, talking with them, interacting with them and remaining non-reactive, non protection and self defense, non-paranoid of the supernatural energetic emotions, and feelings as the mind. I have to slow down and not react, and within this see myself and attempt through the veil - to be directive in the way of becoming of sound mind, which is life, which is in practice to do what is best for all.

So, two things, I want to pull together here. Aggression and this outline of how to consult that I read in another blog. It was a format of: Pain Spotting, Perspective Taking, Story Telling, Framing, and Probing, before consultation.

I have been working with some kind of knot/not in my heart. Last night it was so intense, so I looked at my day. I had spent some time talking with people. During this time I had remained within breath. I noticed how I wanted to move towards an agreement with the person with whom I talked. I had to breath, slow down and let myself “ agree” and then become “ divergent” in moving through my own habits, through monitoring NOT remaining in an emotion or feeling as in holding that emotion and/or feeling, and looking at the belief in terms of playing with the perspective, listening or telling a story/movement to show understanding, then framing a possible or ‘in development’ framing - as walking into what continued agreement- without any sense of rushing/gain/security allowance ( or my heart starts to react- like I want the ‘good’ love, lol),  and then probing to understand the attitude - lol - latitude of insight so that I can then walk together with the person into understanding.

So, it is to agree and understand in order to agree and understand. It is to face the aggression as the attitude of separation, the pain, and to agree and understand, to then frame an agreement and understanding that moves into a solution with rewards. I have to not fear facing the existent framework, and can agree with the aggression and realize it cannot hurt me to agree because  it is a session of agreement in a moment, to see an existential framework, to understand and build a framework of, because I cannot think in terms of solution until I have enough of an understanding to work with the attitude in ways that use divergent thinking ability, or a sound mind, a fluid, mutable, playful, directive process of latitudinal ( lol) perspective causing the pain/limitation.

I have carried a statement about aggression within me that I have allowed an emotion of anger towards. I have the thought, “ I can’t stand aggression.” I have even gone so far as to label people as “ aggresives.”  Like a catch word. And I have this because I become defensive when I am faced with what I call aggression.

But, aggression, is, for me, like a session of being forced to agree. And as this, I can agree, meaning I can acknowledge and make sure I understand the thing being lived as, as an agreement about something, so I can  frame an understanding, and make this clear, but this does not mean I must remain within that agreement in action. I can understand through agreement and then move/follow through into playing with the state of understanding and asking questions about it, probe the framework/understanding and then reformat and direct, as a process with the framework as the attitude of the other, together. So, the ghost in the machine, need not become my agree session, but can be agreed upon and played with, like a ball, probed and thrown to the wind - so to speak- lol- to be directed TOGETHER into solution. So, aggression is a session of agreement to discover and agree and then to journey into more awareness. In trying to understand something, as in coming into an agreement, there can be no rush, no desire, no fear of not being able to understand. Like, okay, lets reach an agreement of mutual understanding, lets see the pain, the friction and make sure we mutually understand the factors, and go from there. So, it is to suspend any idea and build a framework because no decisions or agreements can be made until the total framework has been understood.  I mean, I can only be, here, right where I am, and I cannot move in ways that are best for all, until I take the time to investigate. And this means, having a direct connection and understanding of the problem, and I can’t make any movement until this part is done, and whatever I agree to in understanding as a process of building a framework is not my self agreeing to continue to understand So, I let any reactions go, within or without.  I mean, at this point, there is nothing defining me because I am agreeing to understand only, I am not agreeing to action. This is careful interplay, before the process of creation. So, I can wear my heart on my sleeve and open it up and feel, without a fear of loss and hope for gain, without insecurity and rush for security,  in fear of self definition of lack based on idea, because I am taking the time to come to an agreement of understanding only of what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear aggression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear agreement.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear a loss, as in believing I am defined by one moment only.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in aggression,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become passive in the face of aggression

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not question the state of being, the belief, opinion and idea behind aggression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to face aggression from a starting point of protection and self defense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit myself to agreeing with aggression.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear standing equal and one to aggression, believing that this can define me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that aggression is  a scream of pain and as such can be understood and agreed to in a moment, to then be formatted and questioned again to then deconstruct/reformat/play with/looked at divergently in relation to practical application to become an agreement that can be stood with and understood in clarity and common sense and as such practiced.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see , realize and understand that aggression can be a lie by omission, a preemptive strike, a one sided platform of presentation of knowledge and information, which is a crime against life, and that when reacted to and defined and touted as the blame of limitation, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that it is to come together and understand and see the agreements made and agree the make the necessary changes that have accepted and allowed aggression instead of agreement.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become intimidated by aggression and to remain within this state of being only, not looking through to consequence, and as such taking the time to investigate the starting point, bringing it back to self, realizing what I fear being defined as, what I fear losing as a self definition, what I use to hide as a consequence of believing what I have, how I have been educated, what experiences I use to validate myself as a more than, who I am culturally, class wise, gender wise as values used to define me, what I fear to be defined as, in relation to a limited system of order that is in separation from realizing that the physical world is life, equal and one and as such is to be valued, where life is the value.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that aggression is a form of agreement, a presentation as an idea, opinion and belief, that cannot be agreed upon until all understand and agree in understanding what is agreed upon with self investigation that creates a common sense that enables self direction, self responsibility, self trust, thus, the way and the means to agreement on earth is to make clear what is agreed upon so that all may participate and create a society that creates through understanding what is here in form and function, to agree in session of and as a collective of men standing in respect, equal and one with the physical world as life, where life is the value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attempt to placate aggression, and as such agreeing with what is a coerced agreement not seeing realizing and understanding that in not investigating all consequence, realizing what has been made a statistical mean, has ignored extremes, and then rendered them as “externalities” to support a very limited design on earth, by men, that does not stop, slow down, and realize the systemic structure of money flow, as wealth flow created by generations of men/labor, must respect the form as the physical world, here as this is the real way and means of life, as the physical world is the manifested form of life, before any human structure of hierarchy, and as such the circulatory structure of earth as nature works , and is the model of life.

Day 108 Replacing the clock with death

My sons are annoyed that their guide as time is no longer on the wall where death is on display.

If we reach death without ever being here, then death as never having lived will be the outcome.

All the unresolved endgames in and as my mind, desires based on a separate reality, the superstition machine that is the mind, where the emotions and feelings follow suit.

And our present system demands this, as we all follow suit to survive through never using our physical conceptual ability - this that is not developed- as we are only given a limited means to follow, as our parents’ actions ( themselves the products of limited selections to survive- to follow what upholds the benefits of a few while most of the world suffers).

I ask myself how do I communicate this. If I need to ask, then I am only a concept in and as the mind and not here, one and equal to this physical world, as this physical world and myself as a physical human body can only see if I am one and equal to what is here, thus if I cannot see and I ask myself this question than I am not here one and equal to this physical world as myself.

When I hung up the skull to replace the clock,  it was to remind me that I am a mind and that death is an outcome, I wanted to catch myself in the habit of looking at the clock. I looked a lot, and never realized how much and how often I would look at the face of time with in and as a system of survival, measuring out the division of myself into limited and stagnant, robotic endgames unable to conceive of the actual physical movement of life surrounding me, as I am lost in the division and not the whole, to stand outside the mind, to scrub the mind clean of imagery through self forgiveness, writing and corrective application towards equality and oneness with this physical supporting world that is what is real.

No one can own this physical world, it is here as us, supporting us. Allowing and accepting what is here to be divided to support only a few is criminal, and the allowing of myself as a parent to monitor my children’s persona’s to fit into this system in such a way, as my beliefs, opinions and ideas, that will enable them to survive, I have shut down/disallowed their very expressions as life, their physical ability to be one with what is here, as myself am not this, as I was not allowed the gift of life, as I live in a system that does not respect life, a system that is lost in an alternate reality of self interest based on an end game that is the stopping of the birth of life into and as the living word, as a secondary limited perception device that utilizes images and me-more-izes them as what is real spreads myself into a stag-nant world where I am constricted in separation from what is real, this physical world.

Thus, through self forgiveness, I bring myself back, one and equal here, with and as the physical to befriend death as the signifier of the end of my separation from life. The opposite of what death is believed to be, and utilized to allow and justify the abuse existent on this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I have any image in and as my mind, if I take the breath to slow myself down and look I will realize that what is in the mind is a desire as what I have been taught will enable my survival based on the collected characteristics of the generations and parents with whom I used as a guide when I was a child to form myself, where in this self interested survival persona, I separated myself from myself as life, lacking the guidance of common sense and consideration of how the systems in which I must participate uphold/are the castle walls of survival within inequality and lack of consideration for the support of all life as being in fact one and equal to myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have judged some of the friends my children brought home as not being supportive of what I perceived was necessary to build a character with the polish of my accepted and allowed beliefs learned from my parents as to what my children should “look” like as presentations to ensure their survival within a system I had not fully considered in common sense of what was best for all as being the only choice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have worried about how my children were “looking” as a persona in fear that they would miss the proper development as this being what I had accepted and allowed would enable them to survive and be able to fit into the system within a certain level on the hierarchy to exist without struggle to supply themselves with their basic needs and then some.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen, realized and understood that the options for them were limited, and that, within this system what was catered to was what support the profit of a few and not what enable all life to become one and equal, able to express and communicate with clarity and within this interact without fear and competition, but instead allow what is here to expand in awareness of self as life, as becoming one an equal to the expression of life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize how my ideas, beliefs and opinions where in support of my very own accepted and allowed separations into and as character/personality to support inequality with life, where I was becoming the voice of time, survival and competition instead of a living word as life here, being one with what is actually physically here as a real “movie” of “whole”/common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself as a parent to have perpetuated the atrocity of separation from what is actually physically here, where the resources of this earth are used and abused without any regard for the nature of the form of what is here, to be forced into and as practices of profit instead of what is best for all, as the form tells the physical reality of the nature of the being as it exists here on this earth, and thus this system of profit does not consider the expression of life, and only takes life and abuses it to fit the form of self interest for the survival of the few to life themselves within a form in separation from their nature as life as the dream of the mind is propagated as what is real as what is the end game, and not what is actually physically real here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand, to take the breath time to equalize myself with and as what is physically, really here, to face the shame of what I have accepted and allowed, and then to let this go, to stand one and equal to this physical world, as this is the only choice, to bring about a world that is best for all working one and equal to the very form of this physical world, that can support all life in dignity here, where the only thing stopping this is the embedded beliefs, opinions and ideas written in text books by those who are the act of self interest survival/competition to maintain their control of unequal resource distribution in and as a belief that should they lose this control there will be nothing there to support them, when this physical world is here in and as the support of life as this is life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the imagery of the mind has been made so huge it presents the illusion of conceiving the whole impossible, when all that is really happening is that this illusory memory/picture/movie is separation from the whole, thus is self forgiveness, writing and corrective application the means to diminish/make smaller this “godlike” idol as imagery,  to see realize and understand the end game as fuzzy logic of limited insight as consequence outplay within the totality of existence as what the mind is in fact, evident in and as the non-use and thus abuse of life on earth as what is within the present conditions of earth and what is being taught to children to support a system of competition/survival to the children, perpetuated by previous generations in and as parents.

I commit myself to standing as the living word through supporting a system of equality in and as an Equal Money System that is the process of equalizing, within best practices, to allow all life to become self as life as the living word, as an absolute expression and support of life, as self, as what is best for all.

I commit myself to no longer supporting a system  that diminishes the expression of life and instead supports the movement of life in common sense of the whole, realizing that what is best for life is best for self.

I commit myself to stopping all energetic mirages of image, thought, emotion and feeling to be the false god of my perception and to bring all personifications as characters back to self, as this is not myself being here, one and equal to life, to what is real to become and exist one and equal to what is real, the real “movie/story” of actual physical reality, to realize that all that is here is one and equal to myself, is myself.

I commit myself to communicating with common sense of what is physically actually real, with what is freely given as the gift of life, realizing the only existential loss is the action of myself within and as energy manifest in separation and thus friction and conflict as discord in relation to my outer world representing my own desires, wants and needs within self interested persona/character maintenance inconsiderate of what is best for all.

Creation's Journey to Life

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Self forgiveness Blogs

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The Soul of Money Divide and Conquer

Day 21 My Story as a Widow

My Story as a Widow.

What happens when a great shock comes into one’s life? Where everything one has is lost, all the relationships are lost; friends, country, lifestyle, situation? By relationships I mean, the very people in your world, the binds what I had, all lost in one moment, no more apartment, no more husband, no more friends with whom I had spent years with with my small children, no more language, no more nothing. I was numb, I was in shock, as what numbness would be. Go and read about trauma and you will find that a person will chemically go into what is called shock, but what this  really is is that all relationships one has existed as are gone in one moment. They are simply no longer there.

It was like there was nothing to feel anymore. And I would talk to the people around me and say to them that I felt only indifference, that I was not feeling anything and that was not this curious, was there something wrong with me? But i did not really have this “feeling” that there was something wrong with me, I tried to find something to “feel” even drinking down a six pack of beer just to escape non-feeling. And the whole time I was watching my self. And it was as though the people I talked to who I said I was this thing of indifference never had a response, it was as though this statement of mine was not heard, I wondered why no one was hearing this. Can you imagine me saying, I am indifferent to everything, what is this?  Nothing, no response.

Mostly what I got was being told I needed a man, that this would settle everything, that in having a man, I would see what a “real” man would be, as my husband had not been a “real” man because he had hung himself from the rafters.

This made no sense to me. My marriage had been normal. My husband and I had been very comfortable sexually, my ten years of marriage in this area was enjoyable and comfortable and regular. Even after the children were born, we chose to be together, to sleep next to one another. Always. We even held hands, it was “natural” between “ us, we just gravitated to this. Even on the day he died we had done this. Though, even on this last day, I knew something was “wrong,” i had told him to be himself. I didn’t understand how the world worked, I had to lose everything to learn how this world worked. And this is the fate of all of us unless we stop and look, research and answer those questions that come up that ask why things are the way they are. There is no choice this has to be done. Each of us has the responsibility to research and understand this world, it is the ONLY way to ensure that what we have created never happens again. We have to look at those videos of abuse to animals, we have to look into the murder and rape and functioning of this money system, we have to let go of all ideas we have about this system, all righteous rants, as these righteous rants are e (ergy) roars/errors of our limited insight as to how and what and why what exists on this earth exists. Our roar, our words, our stances, what we are is the very thing causing the abuse of this world. Thus do we tell ourselves, as what we are, our actions that are the being of ourselves that is the creation of this world. We are all responsible. Our emotions and feelings are our separation from our responsibility as life, they are us not being life.

So, here I am. numb, feeling nothing, having lost my world in one moment. I am in another place, I am numb. My sister drags me out to socialize. This was within two months of my husbands death. I go.

I am sitting there at this table at a restaurant, a large table with many people around it. It is summer, big trees shade the table, there is a breeze. Normal life there. The premise is that Rebecca needs to socialize and find a man.

Meanwhile I was so numb it was all I could to to keep my self upright in my chair.

What happens next. Now remember I have lost everything, all emotional ties, all relationships, everything. So I am asa a nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no thought, just numb. Yet I am physically here at this table, aware that I am in shock and numb, of being like nothing.

This is when I noticed something so far fetched I kept this to my self, I mean who the fuck was I supposed to say something to? The shrinks just offered sympathy, and somehow this was not a solution.

Suddenly, it was like the space of everything in front of me switched, the very fabric of everything slowed down or “warped” or lost a shine or sheen, the light alters in some way. It seems really subtle but it is reality altering the space of here. Within this I am still sitting at this table and this is steady, I do not even have a thought of losing this. I am numbness, there are no associations here for me, I have lost them all.

I think it was the sound of the people speaking that I picked up first and then instantly all else followed. All those people around that table were not here, they were like looking at something, the very focus of their eyes was on something that was not here, and the words they spoke were engineered to draw attention to themselves, to become the subject of themselves to feed them as what they were seeing that was not them seeing here. And then there was this screen like thing in front of them, a bluish lighted thing. That was reality.

I quess I had lost mine. I was so numb, mine no longer existed for the moment, mine was no longer real, to I was numb. Within this I had no where to look, I had no emotions and feelings that I was bound to, and so, for a moment I was actually here, seeing what was here, I was no longer looking at my screen as it was gone, deconstructed through trauma. What I thought was that I was going crazy, what I said to my self was, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????” and “ Oh my fucking god, no one is here, everyone is following some fucked up “thing” and existing in some kind of vortex, where they want everyone to take on their subjects for them,” so to speak as the best way I know how to describe this.

I must be losing it, I must be really crazy. But in some way this makes so much sense, It fits with so much of how people are and what they do, and how they misunderstand one another, and how there is so much lack of communication, and how there is so much anger and and and and.

I kept this to my self, because I was afraid, I mean who was there to talk to, as I said before?

Just asking about my own indifference was ignored. But this would have been ignored if everyone  was reading their screens, my words would not have served the interests of subject orientation that is what people have become as reflections of their separation from here as they hid from their unresolved fears/separations from actually being here, this would be the very construct that desteni is talking about, they describe what this is in detail, and it makes so much sense!

There is nothing extra-ordinary in what happened to me, it is nothing special, it is the outcome of having lost everything, no longer having a place in a web of relationships and having to rebuild my life to fit into another scenario. In this space of numbness as no past and having to rebuild I stopped. I was looking outward to rebuild and here I had a moment where I could see what was happening in this world. If I was numb, the very chemistry of my human physical body in “numbness” meaning I had no emotion or feeling to exist as, I would see outside of emotion and feeling, and thus see the storm of emotion and feeling in others and the construction of this around others. To label this as crazy makes no sense, as it is simply what it is as what this world is. Perhaps, all the music I had played was the development of my self to sense a more subtle world, and this is why also in this moment this happened. Which means that this ability is developmental, that we are like a construct as this human physical body that is capable of being trained to be here, and we are also able to be programmed, to build a shield of “lights” we read that separate us from being here, actually realizing this physical world, this that we are that is the substance of life, that has been constructed into a bubble of believed support that is really just a separation from substance as life.

There is so much to clean up, and it must start with ourselves. What happened to me was not “special” was not a mirage, it was what would happen to the loss of everything one had believed to be what should be built to exist in this world, and the developmental capacity of the human being. RIght here in front of us. We have separated ourselves from the substance of life. And this is reality that we have created.  We have become e(nergy)go robots and we cannot see it.

Will it take us losing everything to see this?

This is what is going to happen. Either this or we clean this up through forgiving this bubble that is broadcasts of mind, unresolved un accepted awareness of life.. It is like we deny what is so forgiving as life, we deny the substance of ourselves that is supportive.

Before this, when I knew something was wrong with my husband, I kept saying to him that all he had to do is be himself, that what he believed he had to be was not going to help him. When he died, a while afterwards I stopped one day and said, fuck, I am going to have to be and become what i was telling him to be and become. And I realized I had no idea how to do this. but I knew the answer had to be here, right in front of me. So I kept looking and looking, and getting caught up in things and then walking away, and then looking some more. And then I found desteni, and the process of self forgiveness.

I still do not have a “man, “ I can’t do it. I cannot and will not support an ego, it is like supporting death, it is too unbearable. It is like watching someone die. And when I point this out, the men run away, or pretend to acquiesce because they don’t want to lose the sex. And ironically, the men my age begin to lose their ability to have erections ( now you understand the story of Mrs. Robinson)

and run away in fear. 

I have had carpenters come to my house, and immediately the whole unspoken sex thing comes up, only to end in irritation voiced by the male. I am not complying to the structure of what they want, a structure that maintains the un-faced fear as the subject that consumes to the point where the penis has no more energy to be what a penis is. And it is done to self. Ego is self destruction and cannot be supported, can only be used to realize what it is that is limiting self and the blueprint for the application of self forgiveness, to sound the words to remove the screen that is self separating self from life.

Clean up yourself as what has been accepted and allowed so that ending up with losing everything is not how this is realized as what has been accepted and allowed. There is no reason for the existence of suicide, and if you have any “feelings and emotions” about this forgive them, sympathy is useless, it is only the pathology  of an addiction and justification for emotions and feelings that are the indicators of separation from life, a life lived in the subject of not accepting life as all as one as equal. Discover life, forgive yourself and face the illusion of your fears manifest as your ego. There is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what I believe as mind is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear and to believe that this fear is real, to run from a sensation of shaking within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that anxiety within my self is my fear, and that this anxiety can be walked through and realized for what it is, a fear of unworthiness  and that something will be lost, when all that will be lost is an emotion looked at and recognized for what it is, a separation from equality, the realization that what I believe is supportive is just a personality fearful of survival in a system accepted and allowed that demands survival as the use of money to support desires of more than and less than, the very reflection of what i am as ego in fear of becoming one and equal to all life, as I judge this world within a context of more than and less than as the very lessons of division learned as a child from parents stuck in the same state of separation from life, where I was taught to be a persona to fit into this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must be punished for what i have accepted and allowed, not realizing that such an act is the perpetuation of the separation from my self as equal and one to life as this is what I am because I am here, thus I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I had to create a persona, to hide my fears, to hide what I have not faced, to become a fixed expression in and as a singular emotion and feeling  to connect with this world, where in fact all I am doing is hiding my self from my self and depressing the very life of my self manifest in  becoming bored with this world, as I have limited the very expression of my self and created and supported a world that limits the means of self expression as i have existed in singular relationships separate from an awareness of the whole of existence and thus separated my self from what is best for all, and that this is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the very malfunctioning of my human physical body is a replication of my separation from myself as life, where I have constricted the very flow of life in and through my human physical body, creating knots of compounded “un-flow” of life, where slowly but surly the lack of flow interrupts the functioning of my human physical body where I believe that drugs will alleviate this knot when In fact no drug can alter this as I must self realize what I have accepted and allowed in fear, as judging my world within a context of more than and less than, and thus limited perception of the very fabric of existence as the substance of life that is what all is one and equal to me as life, as I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that facing this is too much, when there is no other choice and this must be done, and that considering how long I have lived seven years is nothing in comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not want to see the screen to fear the very idea that there is a screen in front of my eyes and that I have spent my self as life building this screen and that because all I see is this screen I can’t even fathom that it exists, and unless I face this, it will be faced in the loss of everything I have believed my self to be, and the shock of this could be so great that I may dispearse my self to such an extent I will only make this process, that must be cleaned up, even greater than need be, as I an here, and I have the opportunity to discover my self as life and become that which I am one and equal to life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so overwhelmed with thinking about money and survival that to turn my self from this and create an objective view seems impossible yet, this must be done, as this is, in common sense the only way to get a handle on the situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am too old and that there is too much compounded with and as me, not realizing that perhaps this is an illusion of the mind, to fuck with me, another excuse, another justification.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately go into breath the moment I feel any physical constriction and to see how I am constricting within and as my self as this constriction is the stuff to forgive, to see and realize and forgive, and at first the resistance will be great, where resistance is an indication of transcending this act within my self of self denial as life, where I actually exist as self dishonesty and lose self trust and the capacity to direct my self as I allow my self to be directed by energy, by emotion and feeling, the separation into and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  wallow in compassion for others, and not to breath and walk through this, to stop this as all that I am, as ONLY what i am, and not to look at the self as life and see solution, and realize that it will take research and time to see and realize solution, yet there is life, that is equality, that is the principle of all as one as equal, the principle of giving as one would like to receive, thus the tools are here, thus there is nothing to fear, as the equalizing of life and the stopping of separation has the principle of equality and oneness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the habit, the addiction to righteous justification of my persona, which in reality is my self living in a dream of my past as support of my self where I have created an entity of relationships that are singular and separate from, and thus a form of separation, the being of my self as oneness in equality that which I search for, yet is right here in front of myself, yet I have woven an illusion as image as the means to an end, not realizing that this idea as image is the constriction of my self away from my self as life, as being and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what I seek in others is what I have separated my self from as my self, believing I am not this, when - as I am life one and equal to all life, in fact this, yet the persona of what I believe my self to be is limiting my self from allowing my self from being as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I judge it is my self fearing losing something, that which I support my self as, and ironically nothing will be lost, and what will be gained is a capacity to transform within and as life, in my own expression in and as life, as what I do is not what i am, it is how i am within what I do that is me being the principle of oneness in equality without resistance to my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not see the moment I become spite, I am blaming an object and trying to ignore and destroy this object as this represents what I have separated within my self from, to not face what I fear I cannot be, or what i fear will destroy my persona and thus myself, when this persona is the destruction of my self, and that this is the mind, that I have allowed to become me, and imbed within me, where i am literally “in bed” with my own accepted and allowed and constructed persona as belief opinion and idea of my self that is a limitation and separation of my self from life, in essence i have created a bed of separation, and the state of my human physical body reflect this.

I commit my self to using the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, within and as the principle of oneness in equality the principle of loving my neighbor as my self to bring my self back to life, to forgive the self created persona of my self and to while within this process not to take anything personally, as I am a construction in this physical as life,and all that need be done is to align my self with life, as being self pity, blame, justification is all only more of the same thing that created this mess in the first place, where had I accepted my self as life in the first place non of this would have happened, and that If I choose to not do this I am spiting life, and thus only creating more of the same, thus this is not a solution no matter how hard I fight this, it is not a solution.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing as this is the only thing that is real, as this is the physical here, and all the storms of the mind cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, and yes, these storms must be faced and cleaned up, one by one by one, as this was not constructed in a day, and will take time to deconstruct, yet while I deconstruct i will see what I have accepted and allowed and thus be able to direct others to do this for themselves.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  fear acknowledgment of what I have accepted and allowed within and as my self.

I commit my self to facing what i have accepted and allowed as the separation of my self from my self as life, to in this moment realizing the judgements and desires I have accepted and allowed that are causing my legs to have pain and sensations of  pins and needles  as the breath of life has been denied through my own acceptances and allowances, and as I clean this up the breath of life will slowly return as it has done within my back as my back feel lighter and more flexible, where i had to really face the constriction I had accepted and allowed and accept my self as life, to stop a belief that I was unworthy and then to face what I had accepted and allowed throughout my life as having existed as such and restricted my self as life in fear of some discovery of what i believed my self to be that was not real and only a belief, and even here I must remain in breath and not fear actually breathing in to my human physical body, as I realize within this process that I was not even really breathing into my self, that my breath was shallow, that I was not even aware of the extent that I was not really breathing, and that this indicates how separate I am from my self as life, this simple act of breathing will show how un breathing i am here within and as my human  physical body, and where there are health practices that actually get people to breath , as we are aware of the fact that we are not breathing and that health needs breath, thus everything is already here to assist and support us, that it is only not-doing that is the limitation at this point.

I commit my self to breath , to breathing through anxiety, to facing this anxiety and forgiving this.

I commit my self to stopping in every moment and becoming breath before, steady and calm.

I commit my self to breathing, and self forgiveness and corrective application, to remove all emotions, thoughts and feelings, so that I become what I am, aligned with and as life, as the principle of oneness in equality to build a world that is best for all, to bring heaven onto earth where suicide need not exist, as this is a denial of life, a constriction of self  into frustration and anger at how this world exists, where such anger and frustration can compound to the point where there is so much pain in the human  physical body that migraine head aches can cause a person to want to die to get away from the pain, yet what was the acceptance and allowance of this pain, that was not realized and forgiven was also the cause and that sympathy, though not in itself “bad or good” and a non understanding of how this world works in totality in not an acceptable excuse, and all must be done by every individual ( in divided duality as mind, polarities of more than and less than, energy addictions that move from less to more as this is the nature of energy as polarity seeking to perpetuate itself) to be faced and realized as what has been accepted and allowed, within this I breath and I clean up this mess within my self one breath at a time.

I commit my self to breath, to earth to the principle of oneness in equality, here as I am life, and I will become/allow with respect life, by becoming that in all due respect.

desteni

EqualMoney

Self Perfection is self direction.