LOOKING here; at self hate Day 772

Looking here continued.

If I look at being ephemeral, where the ephemeral is something intangible, as yet inchoate, yet the stirrings of something, like a world on a world, like a musical stream, a musing that blindly moves in ignorance of what is real and what is here, missing the real expression all around us as the physical, would it be hard to admit to the division, and the real understanding of having done so, allowed such? 

 Can that shadow that is intangible, yet tangible, be that hard to correct? Would the resonance of such, appear to be something difficult to handle.? Within this, in time and space, it is interesting how the very words I use are all from the previous day coming from interactions, and how the words I speak influence the next day, because the words I have used seem to come up suddenly. 

Yesterday, I was driving home with my son, having picked him up from school. In the car he suddenly said that a person he knew was a toxic onion. lol, I was surprised that he recognized a pattern and called it out. he has been waiting on tables part time and interacted with a lot of people, and we have talked a lot about behavior, thus it is not as surprising as I might like to think. 

He also talked about an interesting model within learning. He had read something that described how we learn in our present environment. Imagine understanding something being a circle, when something is completed, or a goal in development has been reached- as another way to say it.  With the onset of building an understanding, one begins with  a simple scaffold in relation to becoming aware of what that circle is as a complete state of understanding. One begins, as enters into awareness of towards being aware of the total circle, via seeing first, as being with, a degree of awareness that is on the level of that simple triangle. Then that turns into a square, then a pentagon shape, then a hexagon shape and so on. Until one becomes a shape with many lines filling in the circle to the extent the space in the circle is filled. The point when one’s scaffold of understanding appears to completely fill in the circle, there comes a moment that is like a jump , where one is equal to the circle. This jump is a movement into grace. 

I see this, within looking at anger. I asked my son if he understood that anger is always self hate. Without hesitation, he said yes. lol, that was cool. 

What does an ephemeral world, a shadow world and reaching what is a metaphor for closing a circle - having a point of expansion that is a leap into grace, - AND anger being self hate,  have to do with one another? 

Anger being self hate,  ultimately ( and realize that there are no problems, there are only solutions, meaning a mis-take can ONLY BE CORRECTED INTO UNDERSTANDING )  means one is resisting LOOKING HERE, one is resisting one’s own capacity to find solutions, which must include this practical and physical reality. Anger exists when value judgements about something  are made larger than reality, which is a separation from reality, and thus lacking a state of grace, of which the very behaviors of anger are a marker of and as as an indicator of a loss of grace! 

One must simply LOOK at the ephemeral values as what one is lost in as one’s inner musings and deconstruct them, to refocus on the practical and physical living reality. 

Within myself I realize, having participated in the intangible, allowing and accepting it to be larger than life - running from it, hiding from it - that having to turn and face my biggest fear, which is really a fear of having accepted and allowed the same within myself, is so embedded, and yet, dare I say here, that it is possible to reach a state of grace within and as this.  Interesting how this brings a sense of shame and joy at the same time. Yet this is that point of leaping into grace, which no one can do for me but myself. 

If I reflect on the present system, I can see where it is a form, just as within myself, where a denial, a resistance of accepting ‘ grace’ is the thing most avoided, most resisted, and of such a busy work to retain doing everything possible to NOT LOOK HERE. 

Yet, there is no other place to go to. It is as simple as that. 

 The math of polarities as the game of good and bad value judgements, is such an illusion, it is quite astounding. And yet, from some small experiences, it is what every single one of us really want. One cannot see it if one is seeing ONLY a limited scaffold that is the focus of self, in separation from seeing the circle. The circle being the real, living and practical world around us.

Teaching children to ‘ fill in the circle’ in a box in their heads, is a backwards construct.  Using chemicals to balance out  dis-ease in the body, is completely backwards.  Having systems where some supposed authority, as authors of how things work, learned in a box, in a backwards way, is backwards - especially with bureaucracies of same construction as human beings who have moved contrary to life, is also backwards. It is all the opposite of life, using limitation to  resist reality.  The game and math of resistance to self as life, as living in a bubble as a head trip, of good and bad, right and wrong, blame and spite, resistance and rejection, is up. We live in a physical creation of form and function, where harm towards something is visible, and not what we would want for ourselves. Therefor , in any shape or form, it is unacceptable to harm. 

If I really understand that anger is always self hate, can I go out into the world and no matter what, act with grace towards all things, as being a voice as a starting point to say out loud, no matter what, that anger is always self hate? Will this stop a person moving into a track of and as an ephemeral  existence, visible and composed of polarities, as movements within a bubble as a built self interest, as a created self of and as energy that is division from what is eternal? This division of self, composed  of blame and spite  building  projection and conjure ( con- jure = with judgement )  that is the opposite of life as real self creation?  I suppose that the marker of this  state of grace would be to remain in gentleness, in a steady grounded focus with humility,  both reciprocating , as taking back to self, the math of separation AND remaining grounded here. After all, what are words for but to communicate what is here. 

Moving against a tide of separation, means being the same as what caused the separation, which means relating things with persistence in accord with reality.  The same as separation is built. Self dis-- covery is a process,  it i re-versing one’s self.  One must realize one’s verse and then realize the scaffold of one’s separation, to uncover what was always there; the circle. lol what a head trip! 

Day 52 Opposition

I was in a store today to buy a product i have bought many times. The sales people denied this product ever being there, and said there was not even a slot for this product. For a moment I went into fear, as thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I was in the wrong place, even thought I had empty product bottles at home. I realize at this moment how the mind can lead one to doubt, everyone around you saying something does not exist and you know it does.

This has happened to me before, and I go into confusion.  Absolute fear/doubt.

Interesting, I play the damsel in distress, as one of my first memories of interacting with my father. I keep thinking that I had been scared by something, an object - like a snapping turtle in the yard or something - yet here, this fear has to do with feeling like I am not relating to the people around me, they are saying the opposite of what I am saying in the face of my own certainty, where I know it is just a misunderstanding. These sales people would instantly recognize what I was talking about if they saw this product, as it has been in this store. Of this I am certain. I did not become frustrated, I realized I had to show them, and in that moment I could not, but this would be cleared so I let it go.

In high school there was a state test I had to pass in tenth grade to graduate. I passed. The next year they said I had to take this again. I wondered. Junior year the NYC school system said I had to take this test again. I did not. I dod not go. I did not want to beef up the numbers for the NYC public schools, this was hiding what was really going on in the schools - not that my act did anything because it did not- but the fear I experienced in not taking the test, where my friends were saying I was going to get into trouble ( which was true, but that I was one, it did nothing and I did not face trouble) was strong, that same fear, that shaking in not following. This was the same feeling that came up when the store sales people were telling me I was mistaken and that the product I wanted had never been in this store.

Intense pain within the side of my left ribcage as I write this!

Is this pride that I did not take this test, or is this standing towards, opposition without righteous reaction, where it is not the opposition but the reaction to opposition as in standing firm in opposition, calmly and humbly, without self pity in believing myself to be misunderstood. Such opposition need not have any emotion.

Not taking the test in high school did nothing, and even a group would have caused problems, or simply been dismissed that year, and the entire system that supports the manipulation of test scores must be looked at and stopped.

Restating that a product did exist and proving this in the immediate face of opposition, even when looking in the computer, was not going to change the moment, these sales people needed to see the product, of which I had an empty bottle at home, so I would bring this in, or they would realize at another time, suddenly, what I was talking about.

So within standing up to opposition, it is simply to review what I know express this and clear up the misunderstanding, any emotion or “wanting to win’ is not going to work.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear opposition.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the sales people were probably in fear of making a mistake.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I can look at what is here and explain myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear opposing others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to at times go into frustration and anger as reaction to such situations, as I believe what I am saying is obvious, when as what the people around me are within, wether they have never thought about what exists and only fear not being agreeable or really, within a moment have become completely blank about something, where anger and righteous fear will not remember that person to what is physically real, where anger will only breed more frustration and righteousness instead of clarity.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to realize that standing within stubborn persistence is also not a solution, as though my stubborn emotion of persistence has some magical quality, where what is needed is actual proof, and this within the given moment is not readily available and thus within my self I must simply stop until evidence is available.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within opposition.

I commit my self to breathing, to standing and stopping within a situation of opposition , where I look at what is common sensibly here and review what I am within opposition.

I commit my self to trusting my self in the face of opposition, to stand in common sense, with humility and care, as there are times when I believe I “know” when in fact I will not.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to resist writing this, as I am becoming very tired, and want to shut my eyes and go to sleep.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am tired.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel lethargic and to think about doing something else at this moment.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see opposition as criticism of myself instead of looking at what exists in common sense and placing myself in the moment, within slowing down my breath, to place mywelf within breath and remaining here - interesting that I wrote mywelf which is mywealth?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize my wealth is myself within breath in common sense, saying no to the mind entering a gloom and doom and fear stance of self doubt instead of using the tools of breath and grounding myself within the wealth of myself as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize with every breath that what is real is myself within breath in the physical, that this is being and not an idea in my mind that presents a fear of loss thought and emotion and feeling as being separate from opposition, when I am not separate from opposition,, opposition is another insight that will become agreement or reveal to myself insight lacked, where any emotion is separation as emotion cannot be directive as it is separation from the whole and unstable in nature.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see opposition as a burden.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow opposition to become a burden, where opposition means denying another when in fact opposition is merely looking at what is here , in and as breath, and using common sense, and thus facing opposition is neither a burden or a threat of loss.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that should i not agree with opposition something will be lost.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that life is an expression, and thus, believing what is here to be in opposition is not to realize the ability of life, within and without to transcend accepted and allowed limited beliefs, opinions and ideas as what has been accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to breath, to the wealth of this physical world as my human physical body in breath.

I commit myself to  seeing opposition as one and equal to me.

I commit myself to stop myself from placing opposition as a burden to myself.

I commit myself to realizing the substance of life, built of clay is able to transform.

I commit myself to realizing that this ability to see opposition in transformation to agreement as all as one as equal will bring about heaven on earth.

i commit myself to practicing equality and oneness in and as breath to equalize myself with life, this physical world and to enable others to be the value, life, through supporting a system that supports all life, an equal money system, to change opposition from conflict to transformation.

I commit myself for realizing confusion is a personality of fear of loss, of belief in loss, which cannot exist as I am in fact life here one an equal to all that exists.

Breath

Wanting to be agreeable is an addiction, is sex the same?