Day 168 Fear of joy is suppression of self as life

I have a memory of being thrown across the bathroom by my father. Well, in this memory I remember my sisters running down the stairs yelling to my mother than my father had just thrown me across the bathroom, the actual happening of myself flying through the air I do not remember. I remember standing there brushing my teeth, my sisters were there, and I was very happy, laughing and suddenly this abruptly ended. Then I remember hiding under the bed the next day for - what I remember- was the whole day with everyone calling my name, and I did not answer, where finally my father found me, and I started to cry, I did not want him near me, but I think I no longer wanted to hide, as it was not really doing anything. And I wanted it to end, but, and the only thought that I had, as I remember was that I could see no other way but to hide, as a way of speaking up that what had happened was not going to be accepted.
This memory came up as I “hit” this fear of being self responsible, suddenly realizing what being self responsible meant, speaking up as myself.
There have been moments of sudden change in my life, and actually I had an astrology reading one time that said I had a lot of sudden change in my life. Through the years I also had gotten to a point where i feared sudden change, sometimes this change was my own doing and sometimes it was the system around me, which could be said to be my own fault, as I participate within the system, and in ignorance of the system, agree to what is considered the norm, not seeing realizing and understanding that the system functions in ways that economically enslave, and are not geared towards life support and development.
So, I have developed a fear of becoming and feeling happy, as when this happens a sudden change seems to suddenly appear out of the blue, just as this memory of being happy, where I do not, as this point, remember what i had said or what triggered this action from my father, and suddenly finding myself in the exact opposite surprise of pain and trauma. Thus I have become cautious of happiness and joy, as this “state” causes, as I believe, a sudden drastic change.
Even within the death of my husband, where the marriage was one of interaction and talking, without heated arguments and physical rejections, in all the marriage was comfortable and even on the day of my husband’s death we had a pleasant walk along the shore of a lake, holding one another’s hands, which we had done all through the marriage; it seemed a natural thing between us, automatic and enjoyable. Even though, on that day, I knew something was not at ease within my husband, and I had been trying to figure out what was wrong, I just did not understand how humans are programmed enough to really clean up the discord, and the discord was seeable, even though the behaviors outwardly were seemingly normal.
I am afraid that should I become happy, and joyful, I will face a sudden change, lose something. Even though in one way this is silly, because the changes in my life have not brought lack, often they have opened new insights into the world, and all the while, I am still here as me.
I face a change in my life now, and I fear a sudden change in which I have no control. And I fear that if I become joyful, this sudden change will come, arrive at my doorstep, I am afraid that I will be thrown across the room- so to speak, just as an earlier memory of myself as a very small child was pushed onto a tricycle by my father as I had approached. I was “happy” then as well.
I also have experienced being hit by a car. The impact I cannot remember, just waking up lying on a wet road with lots of faces around me. When ever someone talks about plane crashes I have thought it is the people left that suffer, as the people on the plane probably “blacked out” and did not remember impact, just i had not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear becoming happy, as in feeling joy, as this might mean a sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being joyful might mean a sudden change, and I have equated sudden change as being bad, as being a loss.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for connect fear to sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define sudden change within fear and a belief that something will be lost.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define sudden change within fear in separation from myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is something wrong with me, as though there is something I said that caused a sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that sudden change will come if I should relax and feel joy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to watch others around me and to gage what will be agreeable to their limited emotions, thoughts and feelings, so as to not create discord and create a sudden change in behavior, where I will be attacked and judged as being impossible and difficult.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotion of being impossible, difficult and irrational, was the energetic resonance of my parents when faced with what was not resonant within and as them, themselves not understanding themselves as life, and within this myself taking on this resonance as this was what was shown to me, not having any direction through and explanation of what my environment consisted of and existed as.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to protect myself from sudden change and reaction through not allowing myself to enjoy the moment, as I had associated sudden change being caused by being happy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be on guard in fear of sudden change for having said something that triggers a reaction, as though I have said something that should not be said, or is considered inappropriate, blaming myself for creating the reaction, where I became the reaction in and as confusion with and as the very energy as mind unable to find an answer as the mind sees in polarities, lost within the patterns and programs in and as the mind in separation from common sense of life, here, thus the only communication was in being and becoming of like limited mind as what my parents had been taught, and until I became this I faced reactions as mind finding what did not comply as being difficult for the being as mind to face, not wanting to deny what was believed to be self as mind, as this had become, and is, what is believed to be real here within humanity on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to mince my words to fit into a status quo, for fear of loss and rejection, where the only thing being lost, that can be lost is self being equal to self as life, which self allows and perpetuates in absence of common sense of what is best for all, where no matter what it is that I said that caused myself to be thrown across the bathroom, does not necessitate being thrown across the bathroom, as a child must realize itself by looking at what it is as life, and throwing a child across the bathroom is not an act of showing life, it is an act of throwing across the bathroom and nothing else.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become self righteous about this, as this is the same as the action received and will not direct within what is best for all, as self as life, understanding self as life, being and becoming life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the actions of others done within ignorance of life, as this is all that has been accepted and allowed on this earth, and must stop within directing towards what will be supportive of all life, as what we are is life, and this is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear no longer voicing myself as the thoughts, emotions and feelings that are the separations of myself here, when I am interacting with others who themselves are hiding/suppressing/limiting themselves within emotions , thoughts and feelings as energetic polarities in separation from life, serving their own protection defense within characters expressing beliefs, opinions and ideas supportive of their fear of survival only, a mask of positive energy that is one and the same as negative energy, as both are ignorance and separation from oneness and equality as what is best for all as life, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within a common statement as greeting what is often said is “ I am fine” which admits that not being fine is a possibility, which is admitting an awareness that the present system on earth is not supportive, as the present system allows a possibility of being fine NOT and thus, the expression “I am fine” is a statement of awareness that all are living in a survival based system on an earth that gives freely, thus is the statement “ I am fine” a positive covering a negative, revealing the energetic polarity existence accepted and allowed by man as mind only.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within my own fear of becoming happy in fear this will cause a sudden change, I am protecting myself and allowing a character of protection and self defense in fear of loss, when nothing has actually been lost, it is an idea only that I have done something wrong to cause behaviors of reaction, abusive and non directive, thus an indication that the one doing the act is also being a fear of loss as belief, opinion and idea and not being directive within what is best for all, which means having an understanding of self as life as being one and equal to all existent on this earth.



I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself to accept judgement to get along and survive, not seeing realizing and understanding that accepting what is on this earth is in itself abuse as what is allowed here on earth, is not acceptable.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how a positive is one and the same as a negative, where the positive is the mask of the presentation of the negative, the negative an energetic separation from life, from self as life in oneness and equality as life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am in fact an instrument resonating what has been created by man on earth, limited understanding in common sense of what is actually physically real, where the mind is a reflection of separation from a common sense of the equal in all sustaining substance of life, the separation exhibited as energy as the negative to the positive thoughts emotions and feelings, the signature of our separation from life, as the structural resonance within our human physical bodies, that as separation into and as energy, uses the physical as resource to maintain, thus disease is the product of inequality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a resonance of energy, in and as thoughts, emotions and feelings, is only an occupation with limited patterns as belief, opinions and ideas, and thus separations to realize within common sense as what is actually physically here as being the value as life, thus self judgement of what i am, based on the resonance of my parents and their reactions to me as a child, that I took personally as a judgment of what i am, blaming myself for what was energetic disagreement as what I was taught were pieces and not what I was in totality as life, as these pieces-only developed inferiority, insecurity, self doubt, self judgement, judgement and in self defense, blame, pity, spite, jealousy, a survival ethic, all to serve a few to have more than.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this supposed “more than” of a few, is a separation from life.



I commit myself to realizing, seeing and understanding that I must breath, remain in breath in every moment, to see realize and understand my own separations , as habit, as what has been taught, as what has been pounded into me through reactions to the contrary, as other, as parents, themselves in fear of loss, and fear of self responsibility.
I commit myself to forgiving all thoughts, emotions and feelings, as the behaviors of protection/defense actions of belief, opinion and idea in fear of self hONEsty and self responsibility as life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that in being agreeable to the thoughts, emotions and feelings of others, and gaging such actions before responding myself i am in effect agreeing to the fire of energetic emotional storms, and thus fanning this fire as mind and perpetuating separation from life, perpetuating a separation that is abusive to life.
I commit myself to realizing that many people will need a respite from the pressures of a system of inequality, as they are locked into the boxes of their own thoughts, emotions and feelings, knowing nothing else, and unable to step outside their box, as their box within this profit based system provides income within a system where money is god and thus determines life, thus is necessary to change to bring change to this world, via an equal money system to allow all to face their own separations from themselves as life, so that this earth can become heaven on earth, where what is best for all is best for self, here, and life can begin.

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Day 80 My legs and “hurt.”

My life has been filled with sudden change and there is a point where this happened the first time. I was a small child. I had to be between 4 and 5 years old. 

What I remember is walking towards my father, who was talking with my younger sister. We were outside on this patio. Next to my father and sister was a tricycle. I walked up and suddenly I was pushed or I feel, but i remember being pushed, hard, back. My father was irritated that he was disturbed. I fell onto the tricycle. On my right toe is a big moon that looks like the tip of the front fender of a tricycle. It cut into my toe. I stormed off in humiliation, in anger, in righteousness going to seek my mother. I can’t remember finding my mother.

I was hurt.

This feeling of hurt, I have carried with me all my life. As though I expect a sudden change and hurt from what is here in life. A sudden change will always come, relationships never remain, the change comes. I wait for it. Relationships are never constant. Thus romance is somehow a scam, I am always apprehensive.

Yes, I was going to my father for attention, to show him something.

My father was moving his attentions onto my sister, that which had been allowed to me was switching to another, and I had no idea how the mind really worked. I was a child.

After this, I don’t think I was ever close to my father again, I did not trust him, the change was too extreme. All through my childhood if I had to sit next to him the friction was extreme. I could not stand being next to him, That pretty much sums it up. I always had to know where he was in the house. It was like he was the demon, as though I was living with a father that at any moment would come and pour his terror all over me.

Later in my early teens, he wanted me to perform for his “crowd” and I refused. I would not be there to make him look good, I was not there to adorn him. Besides it was never good enough and the judgements would come. It was like walking into a trap of criticism.

It was like I had two characters within. One was afraid of not being good enough and the other was angry, an anger of rage. I did not understand this anger of rage.

Interesting, here a memory of a tree in the yard comes up. I was running and suddenly I stopped in front of this birch tree. I just have an image of staring at this tree, like everything stopped and it was just the tree and I. I have this with trees all my life, just stopping and looking at a tree. There is silence in stopping and looking at a tree. 

What is a tree. I tree does not move, it stays in one place, and yet a tree does move, on the inside a tree is flowing, moving with what is here, flowing. Even in the way trees each have a signature, a “twist” within the way they “grow up/reach up” which can be seen in the way the bark appears to flow in different rhythms within a spiral movement.

Interesting this juxtaposition of sudden change and the stability yet movement of a tree, here as what i am in this moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as expecting sudden change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place a negative  value in and as a polarity around an event/ movement of sudden change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked much of my life expecting sudden change.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I lived in fear of the irrational emotional storm of my father appearing at any moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have lived my life expecting sudden change accompanied with hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  expect hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take the actions of men as hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that “hurt” is my own expectations, wants needs and desires not accepting and allowing what is here as life, where I am existing as the mind within idea, want and need, character expectation that is separate from what is actually physically here as this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that my own emotion as “hurt” is my self, as in my and self, in separation of myself as life, equal and one to what is physically here as this is life, where the supposed “hurt” is the expectation  of experience as the focus of myself and thus, the separation of myself from here, where I am not seeing, realizing and understanding this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that a sudden change can really exist within this physical world, in that what remains is life, and thus no change, as hurt, can really exist, what “hurt” is perceived is of the mind in judgement based on energetic values separate from the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that through all the perceived “hurts”  life remains here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked my life as the character of expecting hurt, where I enter relationships that end in sudden change, which is what I am experiencing in the “now” of myself in and as “hurt” within my human physical body legs.

I forgive myself for  allowing and accepting myself to take this personally and turn this into some scream of self pity in separation of life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my perception in and as “hurt” is taking what is the action as idea, belief, opinion, desire, want and need, thought, emotion and feelings, all as energetic projections, what I have existed and walked as, the separation of myself from into and as an experience - as a storm in a teacup tantrum- what I have allowed myself to walk as, that is myself separate from here, not seeing, realizing and understanding the existence of separation from this physical world as the mind consciousness system of an alternate reality imposed on what is real, this physical world, the stepping away from myself as a tree of life as what is constant and flowing with and as life.

I commit myself to realizing when and as I become this self pity feeling of hurt as the character of myself as what I have accepted and allowed in judgement instead of, like a tree, flowing with what is here as life, using my common sense to see, realize and understand the separations of myself into and as a tantrum of belief, opinion and idea based on values of right and wrong, that which i allow to become fixed instead of realizing life here.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” exists within separation from what is physically here, where in some parts of this world, what is physically here to sustain life is taken from what is physically here, and used to support only a few, who exist in an energetic fear of loss should they lose their singular ideas of what they are.

I commit myself to no longer allowing and accepting myself to blame and spite myself through believing I have been hurt, not seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” is my self not looking at what is real, this physical world, which means that all “hurt” is self imposed in ignorance, as the physical is what is constant and unconditionally giving.

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