Day 475 ALl SEe the fAL SE confidence and comfort.

When I am facing a woman with young children, girls, and I talk with them and they are accessing their pride, and saying that everything is okay, I go into insecurity, as I allow myself to compare myself to them, which is myself comparing myself to an idea, like a Utopia as a potential that i believe I have not lived, and then I go into insecurity where I think, who am I to say? Who am I to suggest to another what they should or should not do?

This is all guilt based on ideas, as to what and how I should be some kind of super being, accomplishing some overarching idea. The problem is that this is a separation from common sense on a physical planet.

I am so busy chasing a norm that I am not looking around me practically, and instead just compare myself to reality and measure with an idea. That makes no sense. If the reality around me has not reached the ideal, and this has been going on for a very very long time, then what I am doing as chasing an idea is not working. The practical has not been actually lived, thus it is to look at the physical reality and reevaluate it in total. Which also means to reevaluate what I have accepted as allowing ideals to have me running on a tread mill instead of being practical here, equal to physical reality.

I remember feeling as though I did not fit in at various stages of my life. One that is dominant at the moment is a memory of a party at the Kindergarten my children attended. I felt very separate from the other mothers, as though I could not communicate with them. And I felt that my husband was tired of his foreign wife, me, and had lost patience for my reticence. I remember trying to hide this, and appear happy and congenial. Something happened at this fest, where i had to leave, and my husband stayed. My younger son fell and gashed his head open. We had tried to stop the bleeding but it would not stop so I took my son to the emergency room, where he ended up getting a number of stitches to close the wound and stop the bleeding. I remember feeling annoyed that I had to leave, because I wanted to get through this awful feeling, and because of the belief that I held/ was projecting with this, that my husband was seeing me as not getting along socially, I wanted to “ prove” that this was not true, because I feared him rejecting me for not being buddies with the other community members which I determined as a picture show of a lot of demonstrative behavior such as hugging as acting all excited about meeting someone, or gushing smiles all over the place. I believed because I was not this character/presentation, that there was something wrong with me.

Here I was with this very heavy feeling, and i had to leave and not work it out, plus I had to carry these emotions that I had not worked out with me. I even remember being sightly annoyed with my son, because he had done this before. He was a very physical person, always moving his body, using all of it. very agile. Perhaps he was as overwhelmed with the scene as was I.

I have never been comfortable in crowded events. And yet, I have played in musical groups that make a lot of noise, lol. Obviously, the structure of a musical event I am more comfortable with, whereas a social event is unnerving to me because I have allowed it to appear to not have any structure. or, if I do see a structure, I suppress it, based on the same that creates the problem in the first place, having an idea within this context. I have an idea about how I should appear instead of just simply being here. If such has been going on for generations within each person, than social events must be unnerving for the majority of the population, because if we as humans were honest, self honest, then our outer physical world would not be in the present destructive state it is in, of which there is no denying, we need only look around, and it is time to look at what is here in total, and perhaps it is because of becoming an idea that one physical part is more than another, which ignores physical fact, and creates the feelings that I experienced, as inferiority, causing me to feel insecure and then fear the loss of position, which would be an outcome of a separation from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to measure myself as being less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this huge dark gloomy thought weighing me down is not based on practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I felt insecure based on a limited idea in and as my mind, instead of allowing myself to be practical within the situation of social interaction, where ironically, I participated in social groups working together in a very structured situation and as such directed myself, thus the answer was really right in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow an idea of being less than to become so huge within and as me, that I created my own separation from reality based on judgement within ideas instead of being equal to physical reality in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and really look at this memory, where I do not even look at the world around me, and within this, being annoyed that I have to leave and not sort this out, that I did not have the opportunity to move myself into the social scenario and interact with others and investigate how I felt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared being considered unsocial.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed the society around me, for a impractical self created belief of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea about what i should look like, as in exhibiting very demonstrative behaviors of running up to other woman and hugging them and acting like I was so glad to see them, many of whom at that time I saw on a daily basis, so such behavior was silly in such a situation and not something to measure behavior by.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame how I felt on the culture, on the differences in culture, when in fact i have felt the same way within my own culture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must appear ebullient in social settings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of indifference in social settings, being spiteful and arrogant to counteract an idea that I create that I should appear all smiley and happy and witty in social situations and if I do not , from one such event to the next than there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that under this current of insecurity that has no real substantiveness with practical physical reality, I have created a protection and defense layer of judgement as spite and blame to and towards the environment, using cultural definitions of behavior as to how one should look and behave, and personal behaviors where I select individual persons to gravitate to that I believe will alter the idea I have accepted and allowed as inferiority to turn this into a superiority image socially to justify equality that is as my mind limited and done in the self interest of a system of separation from common sense of  the physical being life, where equality was always the constant and it is/was myself that moved and separated from this practical fact of life on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look for confidence via judgements of objects and manner being more than and less than, all based on ideas as to how an object should look, and or, a person should exude in manner and dress as cultural ideas about what is a measure of more of this and or more of that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that such chains of belief are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a survival suit, developed over time, from day one, as the environment around me, which I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I go into a shortness of breath, I am no longer here, thus a shortness of breath, is myself going into anxiety, being anxious about my own survival, and since I live in a part of the world where social connections are huge and believed to be how one survives - of which all is based on illusion composed of limited values that are not necessarily all good or bad - my impulses are based on very petty ideas of what is more and what is less as survival within this hierarchy that is in itself in separation from practical physical, real life sustaining, reality.

When and as I sense myself becoming anxious, paying attention to my breath and the thoughts as back chat circulating in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the ghost in the machine as my mind consciousness system is just this, a ghost in a gift of life as my human physical body, that is a lesser directive based on a limited context that has been accepted and allowed as the humans on earth that are in total in separation from including all life as the value.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious within and as the movement of my breath, i slow myself down and I forgive the thoughts of insecurity via reminding myself I live on in a physical world that is as much life as myself, and that an idea of one thing being less than another is the separation from what is real, and as this that any thoughts of comparison towards another person or object is based on an idea, and that this idea does not define me unless I accept and allow this, as I can only be here practically in this moment.

When and as I find myself becoming tense in and as my breath, I slow myself down and I forgive the idea that one thing is more than another and I realize the practical nature of the physical world within and as form and function being respected as nature as the physical is in reality a magnificent mechanism for the expression of life.

When and as I find myself tensing up into using protection and defense, as opinions and ideas and beliefs, and as such my breath becoming short and uneven, I stop and I slow myself down and i breath,  and I forgive the positive and negative values about the objects and behaviors of others in my world, which I have used to lead me to a place of false comfort and  false confidence, instead of being practical here, realizing the physical world around me as being equal and one to and as me, and within this to not react to the same behaviors I have accepted and allowed within to affect me as this is played out in others, as it is the collective that has accepted and allowed the generations of separation as ideas made bigger than life that has as a collective, lead to a collective disrespect and thus destruction of the gift of life as the physical world as this earth.

When and as I find myself becoming short of breath, and heavy with thoughts as back chat in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I realize that this f-AL SE confidence and comfort would create that which I fear, as I am existing in judgement that ALL SEE. thus, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, from equality and oneness to and as the physical world.

When and as I find myself short of breath, I slow myself down and I breath, and I let go of a divisor in and as judgement of how something should appear to be  as a definition based on ideas, opinions and beliefs and I realize the mechanism of the physical world is the value that can be directed as life within as the principle of what is best for all, that the fAL SE confidence and comfort is myself in FEAR of life, for which I slow myself down and breath, until I become stable in principle as what is best for all.

Day 168 Fear of joy is suppression of self as life

I have a memory of being thrown across the bathroom by my father. Well, in this memory I remember my sisters running down the stairs yelling to my mother than my father had just thrown me across the bathroom, the actual happening of myself flying through the air I do not remember. I remember standing there brushing my teeth, my sisters were there, and I was very happy, laughing and suddenly this abruptly ended. Then I remember hiding under the bed the next day for - what I remember- was the whole day with everyone calling my name, and I did not answer, where finally my father found me, and I started to cry, I did not want him near me, but I think I no longer wanted to hide, as it was not really doing anything. And I wanted it to end, but, and the only thought that I had, as I remember was that I could see no other way but to hide, as a way of speaking up that what had happened was not going to be accepted.
This memory came up as I “hit” this fear of being self responsible, suddenly realizing what being self responsible meant, speaking up as myself.
There have been moments of sudden change in my life, and actually I had an astrology reading one time that said I had a lot of sudden change in my life. Through the years I also had gotten to a point where i feared sudden change, sometimes this change was my own doing and sometimes it was the system around me, which could be said to be my own fault, as I participate within the system, and in ignorance of the system, agree to what is considered the norm, not seeing realizing and understanding that the system functions in ways that economically enslave, and are not geared towards life support and development.
So, I have developed a fear of becoming and feeling happy, as when this happens a sudden change seems to suddenly appear out of the blue, just as this memory of being happy, where I do not, as this point, remember what i had said or what triggered this action from my father, and suddenly finding myself in the exact opposite surprise of pain and trauma. Thus I have become cautious of happiness and joy, as this “state” causes, as I believe, a sudden drastic change.
Even within the death of my husband, where the marriage was one of interaction and talking, without heated arguments and physical rejections, in all the marriage was comfortable and even on the day of my husband’s death we had a pleasant walk along the shore of a lake, holding one another’s hands, which we had done all through the marriage; it seemed a natural thing between us, automatic and enjoyable. Even though, on that day, I knew something was not at ease within my husband, and I had been trying to figure out what was wrong, I just did not understand how humans are programmed enough to really clean up the discord, and the discord was seeable, even though the behaviors outwardly were seemingly normal.
I am afraid that should I become happy, and joyful, I will face a sudden change, lose something. Even though in one way this is silly, because the changes in my life have not brought lack, often they have opened new insights into the world, and all the while, I am still here as me.
I face a change in my life now, and I fear a sudden change in which I have no control. And I fear that if I become joyful, this sudden change will come, arrive at my doorstep, I am afraid that I will be thrown across the room- so to speak, just as an earlier memory of myself as a very small child was pushed onto a tricycle by my father as I had approached. I was “happy” then as well.
I also have experienced being hit by a car. The impact I cannot remember, just waking up lying on a wet road with lots of faces around me. When ever someone talks about plane crashes I have thought it is the people left that suffer, as the people on the plane probably “blacked out” and did not remember impact, just i had not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear becoming happy, as in feeling joy, as this might mean a sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that being joyful might mean a sudden change, and I have equated sudden change as being bad, as being a loss.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for connect fear to sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define sudden change within fear and a belief that something will be lost.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define sudden change within fear in separation from myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is something wrong with me, as though there is something I said that caused a sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that sudden change will come if I should relax and feel joy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to watch others around me and to gage what will be agreeable to their limited emotions, thoughts and feelings, so as to not create discord and create a sudden change in behavior, where I will be attacked and judged as being impossible and difficult.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotion of being impossible, difficult and irrational, was the energetic resonance of my parents when faced with what was not resonant within and as them, themselves not understanding themselves as life, and within this myself taking on this resonance as this was what was shown to me, not having any direction through and explanation of what my environment consisted of and existed as.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to protect myself from sudden change and reaction through not allowing myself to enjoy the moment, as I had associated sudden change being caused by being happy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be on guard in fear of sudden change for having said something that triggers a reaction, as though I have said something that should not be said, or is considered inappropriate, blaming myself for creating the reaction, where I became the reaction in and as confusion with and as the very energy as mind unable to find an answer as the mind sees in polarities, lost within the patterns and programs in and as the mind in separation from common sense of life, here, thus the only communication was in being and becoming of like limited mind as what my parents had been taught, and until I became this I faced reactions as mind finding what did not comply as being difficult for the being as mind to face, not wanting to deny what was believed to be self as mind, as this had become, and is, what is believed to be real here within humanity on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to mince my words to fit into a status quo, for fear of loss and rejection, where the only thing being lost, that can be lost is self being equal to self as life, which self allows and perpetuates in absence of common sense of what is best for all, where no matter what it is that I said that caused myself to be thrown across the bathroom, does not necessitate being thrown across the bathroom, as a child must realize itself by looking at what it is as life, and throwing a child across the bathroom is not an act of showing life, it is an act of throwing across the bathroom and nothing else.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become self righteous about this, as this is the same as the action received and will not direct within what is best for all, as self as life, understanding self as life, being and becoming life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the actions of others done within ignorance of life, as this is all that has been accepted and allowed on this earth, and must stop within directing towards what will be supportive of all life, as what we are is life, and this is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear no longer voicing myself as the thoughts, emotions and feelings that are the separations of myself here, when I am interacting with others who themselves are hiding/suppressing/limiting themselves within emotions , thoughts and feelings as energetic polarities in separation from life, serving their own protection defense within characters expressing beliefs, opinions and ideas supportive of their fear of survival only, a mask of positive energy that is one and the same as negative energy, as both are ignorance and separation from oneness and equality as what is best for all as life, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within a common statement as greeting what is often said is “ I am fine” which admits that not being fine is a possibility, which is admitting an awareness that the present system on earth is not supportive, as the present system allows a possibility of being fine NOT and thus, the expression “I am fine” is a statement of awareness that all are living in a survival based system on an earth that gives freely, thus is the statement “ I am fine” a positive covering a negative, revealing the energetic polarity existence accepted and allowed by man as mind only.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within my own fear of becoming happy in fear this will cause a sudden change, I am protecting myself and allowing a character of protection and self defense in fear of loss, when nothing has actually been lost, it is an idea only that I have done something wrong to cause behaviors of reaction, abusive and non directive, thus an indication that the one doing the act is also being a fear of loss as belief, opinion and idea and not being directive within what is best for all, which means having an understanding of self as life as being one and equal to all existent on this earth.



I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself to accept judgement to get along and survive, not seeing realizing and understanding that accepting what is on this earth is in itself abuse as what is allowed here on earth, is not acceptable.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how a positive is one and the same as a negative, where the positive is the mask of the presentation of the negative, the negative an energetic separation from life, from self as life in oneness and equality as life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am in fact an instrument resonating what has been created by man on earth, limited understanding in common sense of what is actually physically real, where the mind is a reflection of separation from a common sense of the equal in all sustaining substance of life, the separation exhibited as energy as the negative to the positive thoughts emotions and feelings, the signature of our separation from life, as the structural resonance within our human physical bodies, that as separation into and as energy, uses the physical as resource to maintain, thus disease is the product of inequality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a resonance of energy, in and as thoughts, emotions and feelings, is only an occupation with limited patterns as belief, opinions and ideas, and thus separations to realize within common sense as what is actually physically here as being the value as life, thus self judgement of what i am, based on the resonance of my parents and their reactions to me as a child, that I took personally as a judgment of what i am, blaming myself for what was energetic disagreement as what I was taught were pieces and not what I was in totality as life, as these pieces-only developed inferiority, insecurity, self doubt, self judgement, judgement and in self defense, blame, pity, spite, jealousy, a survival ethic, all to serve a few to have more than.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this supposed “more than” of a few, is a separation from life.



I commit myself to realizing, seeing and understanding that I must breath, remain in breath in every moment, to see realize and understand my own separations , as habit, as what has been taught, as what has been pounded into me through reactions to the contrary, as other, as parents, themselves in fear of loss, and fear of self responsibility.
I commit myself to forgiving all thoughts, emotions and feelings, as the behaviors of protection/defense actions of belief, opinion and idea in fear of self hONEsty and self responsibility as life.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that in being agreeable to the thoughts, emotions and feelings of others, and gaging such actions before responding myself i am in effect agreeing to the fire of energetic emotional storms, and thus fanning this fire as mind and perpetuating separation from life, perpetuating a separation that is abusive to life.
I commit myself to realizing that many people will need a respite from the pressures of a system of inequality, as they are locked into the boxes of their own thoughts, emotions and feelings, knowing nothing else, and unable to step outside their box, as their box within this profit based system provides income within a system where money is god and thus determines life, thus is necessary to change to bring change to this world, via an equal money system to allow all to face their own separations from themselves as life, so that this earth can become heaven on earth, where what is best for all is best for self, here, and life can begin.

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Day 122 The flood of abuse

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have a choice.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in believing I have a choice, I have not considered all life on this planet, where the only choice is what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that if I attempt to juggle what I believe or opine , or idealize, I will in effect weigh myself down and be unable to move.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if something does not allow a human to become an expression of life, self directive and self honest then it is not what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that a cow can walk in a field, get exercise, eat grass and no human has to bring that cow feed, tether that cow to a fence, or within an enclosure, and thus that cow is able to, in conjunction with this earth, this physical world, be autonomous in and as its expression as life and thus within this, realizing that the systems created by men, where this very same form as a cow is confined within a stall completely dependent in all its actions unable to express itself as life, thus is such a scenario creating complications for men, even within the toxicity of the products of consumption and waste caused by this ignorance of the nature as the form of the cow.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this cow has lost all ability to be itself as life, as the form it exists as, and so it is with the human, as the human has created this same scenario for itself and believes that “this is the way it is” when the form of this earth, in practically looking at what is here, can function through “reading” the very form of what is here and allowing and supporting it to be that which it suggests as its function within its form.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this from and function of living things has been separated and divided and conquered against its expression to allow ownership for a few, as they must take what exists and make everyone believe that this is the way it is, where the presentation ignores what is physically real, and this is dictated through all the means of communication within and as how this world allows a few to be the voice of communication through every printed and broadcasted word, and thus all that is seen is the bars of the cage as the presentation of limitations only and not what is real, thus we are as the cow, confined within a small cage where we spend our lives in ignorance as all we see is the imprint of the televised images and words presented by the few who we have accepted and allowed to control what determines who lives and who dies, and how those living exist.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to step back, to slow down, to become breath and to see what is presently allowed to exist in this earth that is unacceptable and makes no sense, as it is no longer capable of sensing what is the function of the form of what is here, as  belief has been imposed as an idea, opinion and belief that man is superior to nature, when given that there is so much starvation and abuse on this earth, man’s idea of superiority is obviously a lie as the word believe suggests as it sounds be lie, and thus our words tell us in fact, as sound what it is that we, the human, are in fact.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that the human, as myself has become so separated from what is here, even as the words we speak, that we no longer are capable of even fathoming that words are actually composed of sound and that even this is a substance of this earth that creates what is here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that within this I have no choice but to look at what I am in word and deed and the same goes for all words and deeds of those around me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what I am asked to do is to not consider the whole, and to only look at doing good within a bubble, not realizing that many of my do good in consideration of solving needs within my immediate environment do not consider why such an action must exist within the totality of existence, as all I seek is feeling like I have done something good for the world, when what must be done is a system change that support all life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when common sense is abdicated and given away to a system within a system of ownership and profit, the human is as denatured as the cow, and thus looses all capacity to be self honest as the form and nature of self, and over time becomes completely ignorant having ignored self as life, and within this allowed a supposed invisible “one” to determine what is best for this denatured human as life form abdicating itself in fear of standing up in common sense of life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that, that this process exists, this division and conquer, thus taking and raping of the nature of the human, that is able to be self honest in and as common sense of this physical world,  reveals in and as itself that the human, as man, has this to be taken, other wise the taking would not exist.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand to what extent the separation from life the human exists as within a system of inequality, a system that must divide and conquer every form of expression, must take and rape all in the name of believing itself to be god, to be superior, in separation from itself as what is equal in all that is here as life, as the substance of life equal and one to all of us as what we are.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in order to get this world to function as life, the present system must change, as there is no choice, to a system that utilizes what is here as life and works in tandem with what is here, realizing it is one and equal as the substance of life, a technology far greater and thus imitated by man, abused by the human, within a be LIE f of superiority that is the separation in and as itself from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no choice but to do, with every breath I take, what is best for all, what supports life absolutely, and thus to stand away from seeing only the relatives presented that are of opinion, belief and ideas within the dividing and conquering system of inequality that is the basis of a system of profit that creates a game of survival and competition and more than and less than, in what people are, in who owns what, and in what is right and what is wrong, where if there is a question of right and wrong than what is best for all has not been realized in common sense and what is blocking this must be realized and cleaned up, as there is not choice but to support all life, to work with all life here  - that itself has been confined and separated from the function of the form of itself to the point where it is dis-ease ridden and not even living the life span that it has the potential to live, as we see with dairy cows which live about 4 years, and yet are able to live much longer lives, this is the extent to which the human has denatured life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the human is one and the same to this, a being on this earth that is not living to its full potential, and also, just as that cow, existing within dis-ease, so obvious in that the present day pyramids, as towers within and as our cities are often hospitals, where we worship the doctors as the towers we build in our service to them, not standing back and asking ourselves why such towers exist, why is the very expression of man, as what is in our cities, structures of dis-ease focus and not structures of an expression of the full potential of life and what the human is capable of being?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that these towers devoted to disease cannot be what life is about, and as the word suggests, what the human has allowed is a state of dis-ease to be the norm, not realizing how insane this is in fact.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this must be stated again and again as there is nothing else to speak, as within standing up and realizing there is not choice but to support life in supporting what is best for all, many accepted and allowed beliefs must be questioned and looked at, the stagnation of acceptance and allowance of what is here must be moved into seeing the constructions of belief, idea and opinion, are in fact relatives, taught by relatives as the parents and relations encountered in the first seven years by those who themselves accepted and allowed the separations that are the loss and lack of self as life, in common sense of what is equal and one in all that is here as what life is, as the substance that is the creation of what is here, which is life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the divisions as the words used to divide are the voices in and as my mind, as the me- more-I-es developed by a system that is  directed by an supposed invisible hand, a smoke screen developed by the hands of greed in and as a belief in superiority, where in order to have a belief in superiority, inferiority must exist, thus the mono, as the believed to be superior, monopolize the poly building the drug of dreaming and the murder of starvation where there is a continuum in existence varying by degree, of haves and have nots, all ending up in death without any awareness of self as life, without any potential as life expression reached, without any equality as self as life in fact lived, and thus is life never really understood, where there is no heaven until life is actually understood and honored for the gift that it is in fact.

I forgive myself for believing that I have a choice.

I commit myself to realizing that just as the debt grows so will the abuse, until the flood of abuse, as what the human has accepted and allowed, comes to each and every one of us, where at that moment I will have to pull my head out of my ass/ground and look at what is here and realize the structure of the system is the cause of the flood of abuse, and therefor must change and support life, absolutely.

I commit myself to realizing that this flood of abuse will wipe out this existence unless the human wakes up and realizes itself as the nature of itself as the form of itself as life one and equal to this earth as the gift of life, where there is plenty to support life, where even the budget for abuse, as war, could be used to support life in this earth.

I commit myself to realizing that the great flood to come will be a flood of abuse, as what the human has accepted and allowed, evident within the majority of money within counties being spent on war, a clear physical manifestation, accepted and allowed, that is absolute abuse, and this abuse is presently being allowed to flood lands where children exist without any consideration and regard for the life that is these children, where even this allowed and accepted  flow, as flood of abuse, exists in the very materials used, such a depleted uranium that is the residuals left by, this flood of greed as abuse, to deform the children coming into this world, an action that is an atrocity and a crime against life and must stop.

I commit myself to stopping the flood of abuse, through standing up and supporting an equal money system.

I commit myself to realizing that I have no choice but to stop the inner flood of abuse, as justification in and as the voices in and as my mind, that stop myself from realizing oneness in equality here.

desteni

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to Life

Earth's Journey to Life

Destonian's - the Earthlings

Day 91 The character of believing I must have something to say.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not having anything to say.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I must have something to say in response to what is being said around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I will lose something if I do not have some kind of response to what is being said within my environment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there must be something said or I will not have the “gain” of being noticed or insightful.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is not about having something to say, or something not to say, it is about being here, in breath, being a living word, where what is real is what is physically here and not some image in and as the mind, not a continuation of friction and conflict as relationships are feared being lost, where I fear something might be lost should I not have a response.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see that there is nothing to be lost, as I am here, physically here and this is what is real.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I am here, with breath, where in breath I remain here, and thus have common sense within the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my responses within the need to speak, as in believing I have to add to the conversation are an opportunity to see what characters I have accepted and allowed.

Within this;

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I will be considered less than should I not find a response or add to the conversation.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that there have been times when I judged another as not being worthy of being given a response.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I believe I must be lively, every minute and come up with some addition to a conversation, just to add something, I am exhausting myself, where I will become tired and then want to leave the social situation, thus what is best for myself is to utilize breath and remain here, and when I do not have something to say that is not forced I simply remain quiet.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that remaining quiet is anti-social.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to attach a negative emotion/polarity to remaining quiet when I feel the need to say something and in fact I simply do not have a response to give in every moment.

I forgive myself to fear being labeled as anti-social should I not constantly have something to say to match what is being said in every social situation.

I commit myself to remaining here, in and as breath, and to realize when I am saying something just to appear to be apart of a conversation.

I commit myself to realizing that in speaking to appear to be a part of the conversation I am in fact serving my own self interest based on ideas and values in separation from what is best for all life within the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist in fear of being considered anti social should I not respond and add to every conversation I encounter.

I commit myself to no longer being the character of believing there is something I must add to conversations in fear of losing some social status.