Two memories have come up that I have looked at before. I notice that I also have back chat or “worst case scenario’ imagery coming up. The worst case scenario ‘ episodes’ are really random, using all manner of imagery. I have these come up in relation to driving because I have had two head-on collisions, that within the system, were not my fault. AND, they happened in a place where many such accidents happen. I remember that it was said that there can be places where there are cross currents, maybe this place is one of them. For instance, I found out my orthodontist’s wife also had two accidents in the same place. The cars were destroyed, meaning they were so damaged to be tagged as unrepairable. I have fears around driving and they tend to come back when I am not addressing something; I can use them as a red flag.
I had lived in Europe for ten years. One summer, I returned to the states, as I had other summers too, yet never had that which I am going to describe, happen. On this eighth summer, I noticed that I was constantly stepping back from my American peers. Meaning, I would be standing and talking with them, and find myself taking a step back. I also remember asking the question, “ why are ‘ you’ moving towards me so much?” At the time, I remember looking at this, and also saying. “ Wow, I can see how other cultures label American’s as having a garish intense smile!”
After spending seven years in Europe. a seven year cycle, my ‘ resonance’ as my state as a manner or stance, had changed. This fits in with how our cells cycle themselves, as in our cells carry the resonance of our ‘ math’, or the ‘ value’ system that defines us, holds us, is of how we are mannered within ourselves! This eighth summer, I was resonating my exposure, my environment, my newly cloaked ‘ color’ , all measurable in the distance I stood from another person, the amount of reserve or intensity -of-smile, or presentation of myself and how I held the very muscles of myself; ALL OF WHICH IS A “ MATH,” had come to be a counter or alternative rhythm, so to speak, to my American environment.
What I find interesting, as telling of my stance on another level, is that I so readily moved to BLAME those around me, as though it was not me, it was them- the objects around me! Even within asking a question as, “ Why are my friends leaning into me so much,’ and ‘ Now, I know why other cultures make fun of the American way of being intense ( like a staccato-ed accent in music) with the manner of grinning from ear to ear- as though making a ‘ happiness’ stance more intense, by degree! Thus, I was projecting the ‘ difference’ as a ‘ wrong’ or uncomfortable thing being done unto me.
What is also amazing is how my physical body reacted, with me doing the thinking after the fact. I only noticed it because I noticed my body reacting. This indicates, how much of a resonance stance I became, which is the same in all of us. The very ‘ math’ of an in-culturated manner, representing value systems, had become me, which manifested the eighth year into my change into another environment. This corresponds to a cellular memory that then comes to direct my subtle movements physically. This memory has come up in tandem with a memory from childhood as of late.
I had gone and walked up to my father and younger sister in this childhood memory. I had wanted attention, and as such surprised my father, who turned and knocked me over onto a tricycle. I have a scar from this, which at the moment, has some very dried skin on it. In this memory, I remember being angry at my father, feeling hurt that I had been knocked onto the tricycle. Even though, at the time, I got over this pretty fast, I do remember being so embarrassed that I was angry, and I blamed my father for suddenly turning and inadvertently knocking me over- as I am sure he did not want to do this and probably felt some degree of shame as well. Yet, this is my earliest memory of moving , or projecting blame. I was actually embarrased as I had only considered my own desire for attention- so my anger, was really my own shame, because I acted on an idea. I acted on some resonant desire, separating myself from my own common sense. The after stance, even with the anger, I was aware that I had moved in my own self interest- so absorbent am I as a human being.
I wanted to take a deeper look at resistance. When I look at the resonant change within myself, after living for seven years in a different culture, how my immediate reaction was to project the change, or problem, being on those around me. It was an after thought to realize that I had become more of the subsequent different environment. The resonant manner, embedded in the physical, was what showed me my own actions, my thoughts immediately moving to project a story, and as I said, that of blaming the objects until I with a secondary overview, began to sort this out.
I also remember saying something to my peers, that I could understand how other cultures labeled Americans in cartoons with aggrandized and plastered smiles. With some of my peers I met reaction. Meaning, with some I caused the same that I had been, a form of resistance and projection into justification instead of understanding. Some understood and even found it interesting. This is telling, because it is showing that the very act that I did, is deeply ingrained in our ‘ reading’ of actions- as manners are a form of action and expression of ..... our resonances, our beliefs, our value systems, our math, our way of reading relationships with regard to everything around us. We are truly organic robots. Which, on another level, is why the media is so successful, unless we view it with a critical and creative approach, understanding what I am saying here, overall.
Thus, as I said, I have this back chat, with really random scenarios, coming up, and it is composed of this movement of projecting blame onto the objects around me. And yet, this other memory where I realized the very resonance of me, in seven years which matches cellular change, indicates that what I allow, as how I move, within the very smallest of measures, comes to be the information that directs my physical movements! This in tandem with this memory from childhood, and my scar, I can see where I, as far as I can remember, planted the first movement of blame, that even if I at that age, did not dwell on it for too long, it was that tiny movement that started a seed of projecting the problem of my own actions, outward onto the objects around me.
Because, I have not cleared this ‘ resonance,’ as a formula, up, completely, in its inception, it continues to be how I move, in manner, or, in thought, word and deed. It could also be, that I am at a point of change, as a point of change also carries a quality of most resistance, as the old does not want to die.
I want to also look at the practices in the school systems, and relate this to learning the violin. I had violin lessons for years, I would go and have the lesson, and have exercises to do at home, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to learn to walk those tiny movements, that practiced being in control of my body, and integrating a physical awareness of the space. This was a practice that no one could do for me, but myself.
If I look at a school, it is like having a violin lesson, where a direction, or a practice is given, and practiced, or walked through a couple of times, yet cannot be that self, practicing that movement. The self has to go and do the walking, the practice. The time and space in what a school is, cannot be that practice by the self. One is actually building what comes to direct the physical body, which says that what one allows, and what one practices, will come to resonate in the body and will move the body, thus one’s actions reveal one’s math/perspective/memorized -as-conditioned-blueprint-of-belief, or the order of relationships as how one sees the world.
A school relates and teaches with example, using words and pictures, just as a violin teacher can model,( which is actually more direct) shows a form, movement included. If I do not practice that movement, and only do it based on that one time, trying to incorporate it from that one showing, I am going to cause a distraction in my presence as I interact with the world around me. I am going to slow down my processing when interacting with the whole, missing things, and causing imbalances, because I did not do that which only the self can do, which is integrate something new through the only way to integrate something new, which is to go and do the small, to practice it- as it takes both the exposure AND the detailed practice of the small, as this is how things are built.
This is why, so many master’s of things, stress the importance of practicing the small. Meaning, to make sure that small is practiced, because the self must learn to self direct, in detail, all by themselves. This is something that no one can do for the self. Another way to say this, is that the schools cannot be that practice for the child, and nor should they, as it is a valuable lesson for a child to realize that they build understanding, and that this takes practice, because it takes time for a correct movement, to be integrated into the cells, so that the body moves in effective ways, as what we practice ( or allow, follow without question) becomes what directs us. Yes, it is that deep, and resistance towards acknowledging this is simply self rejecting and resisting how this all works. Resistance means, one must really look at one’s manner. In all, it does not matter who’s fault it is, if one wanted to take this stance because ultimately, what one has allowed, or been exposed to, resonates within, which no one, not any other person can change but the self. In my case, blame is not going to change this as being in a state of blame, as projecting something outward, is not a practice of looking at what I resonate and learning from it, and realizing that it is what it is, does not need to define me, and shows me where I am not being in understanding, as embracing what is here. In all, such actions, as what I have accepted to be the resonance of me, can show me relationships between things, as beliefs, and as movements that can understand and change in a moment, relax and move in ways that ask more open ended questions, for example.
In so many ways, I realize I have become a social engineering so prevalent in the idea of being ' positive' where I become the end game of sympathy, instead of including empathy; seeing what is being expressed as relationships, understanding how what we resonate is simply ideas about relationships, and to realize within this, that what is real, is myself being here, moving in real time here, because this is where I am, this is where I am living a real performance. I also realize how I can sense the smallest of movements, as the very subtle deeds I move as, within myself, as my resistances show my accepted and allowed practices, which are relationships I direct as belief, because I have not practiced being grounded here, in real time, seeing the real relationship that is here, as my living , and present relationship. My resonance can show me, where I am out of synch with reality.
Another way to look is to realize what focal and vocal distractions as ideas, beliefs and opinions, resonant within, from past relationships, one is allowing to define who and what one is, and to realize the small movements that build the overall resonance, and the correct small movements that ground one back into being present in this reality. What the media and school systems show is, is a story of information, an equation of order, one that can come to define us, if we allow it. Also, that no one can clean up the resonance of what we have allowed, as believed, but the self. It does not matter if it is someone else's ‘ default system’ as one not understanding how this all works, because projecting onto the ‘ fault’ as a lack of understanding this, is not the action of correction. Only the self can do this, and since we are all doing this, there is only self forgiveness and self correction. That resonance can be read, one can learn to call the movements out by name, thereby taking away the power of the default, and reframing the movement, into respecting this reality, as there is only here, which is how it should be. Another way to say that, is to ask, what came first, the chicken or the egg?
Thus, over all, I have to realize what I have mathematically accepted and allowed, as a movement as me, and to cross reference this real world around me, to practice being present here, recognizing what I have come to believe, as be comfortable with, as the very movement of me, expressing accepted relationships, and slow down, breath, ground myself and call out by name, the math of me, and recall as the very sound of me, a living relationship to what is here, as the physical, to equalize myself, or to get in synch with here, the actual physical. I can recognize when I am rejecting- what I am resonanting, by movement of blaming things around me for not being what I resonate, and become equal and one to the resonance of life here. And, within this, to realize that this same thing is happening all around me, because, overall this is not understood.
Even as that small child, I had become a resonance of belief, or allowed a resonance of belief, that I needed attention from my father. On some level, I separated myself into a resonate idea, as a math, and did not pay attention to my surroundings, believing that there was a more, when I already was the means, as being present here, which is the real ‘ more’ of and as me, as being present and in synch with what was real, as the physical symbols, as life in a living relationship, working together in ways that are more symbiotic, and of an interaction that is respectful of all things, choosing what supports no matter what.
When I find myself resisting, I have to stop, slow down and breath. When I find my physical body ‘ stepping back’ or tensing up, or constricting, I have to slow down and look at what I resist, because what I resist persists a resonance of the same manner. Here, I have to breath to see that resonance, and to correct the mis-take, or the state of measure/being I have practiced and to begin to change that to the extent that I become a master of myself. Naturally, this will take time, the time it takes for the body to regenerate cells. Yet, just as in practicing an instrument, a careful practice of this gains momentum, and my ability to change the resonance of me, will grow. It would be like being able to switch from playing a renaissance piece, and the suddenly a early modern piece of music. Which is interesting, because I remember asking myself how I could become more fluid within changing myself within the practice of music. I never thought of living this as the instrument of me, as a physical body, sounding things out, as the very words I speak, sensing this world, and the world of a more emotional memory, as opposed to a more superior, or fluid memory, as that presence within and as me as life. How could I be so blind, and why was I not taught this from the beginning?
In all this is why knowing one’s words is so important, as words are a means of calling things out by name, and placing the math in synch with reality. Only practicing words in a closed context, as the vocal and non-direct application in real living space, as building relationships of words into practical reality, is a one sided practice. One must practice spelling the word, and practice generating the sound, and practice a relationship with the word directly with reality- something that cannot be done in school alone, or learned via the media alone, one must, as the self, just like practicing the violin, or a sport, actually practice the sounds, to build, or retain, a natural spatial ability to reality in relation to what one generates as the words that reflect relationships in this world, as words are never the real thing, they are a muse, so-to-speak.
This also is the practice of building a relationship with what is here, understanding one’s own resonance- which can change, and doing the math of reality, the systems and one another. No one can do this but the self. In another way, it is to say that the real means without, is to go within. It is to say that humans are the perfect machines to ‘ do the math’ of existence in real time. Being this real focus in real time instead of a mind consciousness of separation. The place of most happiness, because humans are happy when they are capable of real focus, and unhappy when they are lost in a dissonant resonance, that is not effective in substantive self direction, is being focused here. When our neighbor is self directive in practical real time, it helps us, as the body of the overall machine, must synchronize to life, the physical.
Enjoy and practice the smallest of things, as they are the means to understand the larger forms as the physical around us. Learn to spell and speak you words, build direct relationships with the words, to living reality, understand how the body resonates a math of one’s exposure, opportunity and belief systems. Breathe, slow down, write it out, and call things out by name, forgive yourself to the small, the practical, the here, build a lasting relationship to this reality. The tools are here, to help, yet no one can do this for the self but the self. The way out is to rebuild the within. We are the perfect machines to be and do this. Blame is really a resistance to change. In another way, blame is a form of revenge for one’s resonant seed of information, or ego. It is the self showing the self, where one is not being responsible and/or how we inform ourselves. Thus, my blame, is myself not standing as solution or self actualization. I must look to the small, the singular event that was a repeated action, that created a time-line, that rolled up into a resonant seed and came to manifest as a seeming ' dissonance' to reality around me, as the interactive relationships to all things around me. No one can correct this humpty-dumpty scattered and fractionalized resonant-in-the-cells-event horizon I allowed to become seeded in myself but me. I would have it no other way, as this is an opportunity to become equal and one to who and what I am, the potential of me, as life.
There is, although seemingly counter because of a resonance unacknowledged, GREAT JOY in mastering the small. It is the means of self empowerment and the full engagement of all the senses, it is the inherent potential of the human being. It is right in front of us. It is time to take this back, to remember this to ourselves. The way out, is the way in.
