Day 80 My legs and “hurt.”

My life has been filled with sudden change and there is a point where this happened the first time. I was a small child. I had to be between 4 and 5 years old. 

What I remember is walking towards my father, who was talking with my younger sister. We were outside on this patio. Next to my father and sister was a tricycle. I walked up and suddenly I was pushed or I feel, but i remember being pushed, hard, back. My father was irritated that he was disturbed. I fell onto the tricycle. On my right toe is a big moon that looks like the tip of the front fender of a tricycle. It cut into my toe. I stormed off in humiliation, in anger, in righteousness going to seek my mother. I can’t remember finding my mother.

I was hurt.

This feeling of hurt, I have carried with me all my life. As though I expect a sudden change and hurt from what is here in life. A sudden change will always come, relationships never remain, the change comes. I wait for it. Relationships are never constant. Thus romance is somehow a scam, I am always apprehensive.

Yes, I was going to my father for attention, to show him something.

My father was moving his attentions onto my sister, that which had been allowed to me was switching to another, and I had no idea how the mind really worked. I was a child.

After this, I don’t think I was ever close to my father again, I did not trust him, the change was too extreme. All through my childhood if I had to sit next to him the friction was extreme. I could not stand being next to him, That pretty much sums it up. I always had to know where he was in the house. It was like he was the demon, as though I was living with a father that at any moment would come and pour his terror all over me.

Later in my early teens, he wanted me to perform for his “crowd” and I refused. I would not be there to make him look good, I was not there to adorn him. Besides it was never good enough and the judgements would come. It was like walking into a trap of criticism.

It was like I had two characters within. One was afraid of not being good enough and the other was angry, an anger of rage. I did not understand this anger of rage.

Interesting, here a memory of a tree in the yard comes up. I was running and suddenly I stopped in front of this birch tree. I just have an image of staring at this tree, like everything stopped and it was just the tree and I. I have this with trees all my life, just stopping and looking at a tree. There is silence in stopping and looking at a tree. 

What is a tree. I tree does not move, it stays in one place, and yet a tree does move, on the inside a tree is flowing, moving with what is here, flowing. Even in the way trees each have a signature, a “twist” within the way they “grow up/reach up” which can be seen in the way the bark appears to flow in different rhythms within a spiral movement.

Interesting this juxtaposition of sudden change and the stability yet movement of a tree, here as what i am in this moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as expecting sudden change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place a negative  value in and as a polarity around an event/ movement of sudden change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked much of my life expecting sudden change.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I lived in fear of the irrational emotional storm of my father appearing at any moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have lived my life expecting sudden change accompanied with hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  expect hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take the actions of men as hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that “hurt” is my own expectations, wants needs and desires not accepting and allowing what is here as life, where I am existing as the mind within idea, want and need, character expectation that is separate from what is actually physically here as this earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that my own emotion as “hurt” is my self, as in my and self, in separation of myself as life, equal and one to what is physically here as this is life, where the supposed “hurt” is the expectation  of experience as the focus of myself and thus, the separation of myself from here, where I am not seeing, realizing and understanding this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that a sudden change can really exist within this physical world, in that what remains is life, and thus no change, as hurt, can really exist, what “hurt” is perceived is of the mind in judgement based on energetic values separate from the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that through all the perceived “hurts”  life remains here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked my life as the character of expecting hurt, where I enter relationships that end in sudden change, which is what I am experiencing in the “now” of myself in and as “hurt” within my human physical body legs.

I forgive myself for  allowing and accepting myself to take this personally and turn this into some scream of self pity in separation of life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my perception in and as “hurt” is taking what is the action as idea, belief, opinion, desire, want and need, thought, emotion and feelings, all as energetic projections, what I have existed and walked as, the separation of myself from into and as an experience - as a storm in a teacup tantrum- what I have allowed myself to walk as, that is myself separate from here, not seeing, realizing and understanding the existence of separation from this physical world as the mind consciousness system of an alternate reality imposed on what is real, this physical world, the stepping away from myself as a tree of life as what is constant and flowing with and as life.

I commit myself to realizing when and as I become this self pity feeling of hurt as the character of myself as what I have accepted and allowed in judgement instead of, like a tree, flowing with what is here as life, using my common sense to see, realize and understand the separations of myself into and as a tantrum of belief, opinion and idea based on values of right and wrong, that which i allow to become fixed instead of realizing life here.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” exists within separation from what is physically here, where in some parts of this world, what is physically here to sustain life is taken from what is physically here, and used to support only a few, who exist in an energetic fear of loss should they lose their singular ideas of what they are.

I commit myself to no longer allowing and accepting myself to blame and spite myself through believing I have been hurt, not seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” is my self not looking at what is real, this physical world, which means that all “hurt” is self imposed in ignorance, as the physical is what is constant and unconditionally giving.

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Day 26 My Fear is my Want

My fear is a want. The policemen becoming one with the action of the bum as the policemen are one and equal to the bum, as the police men joined with like being of themselves, as they are no different than the bum, as they have separated themselves from life just as the bum has, one through denial of system, the other through acceptance of system, where neither actually stand within as the system and transpose this system to what is best for all, to themselves becoming self honest and in being self honest becoming one and equal to life, life being what is best for all, that which allows self autonomy as life, where what is discovered is that what is best for self is best for life. Thus a system that disallows autonomy disallowed the discovery of life/self to realize the ability of self to direct self as self as this would be the direction of what is best for all.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my self, to fear discovering my self, as this would mean looking at how I have allowed a system of separation, a system that dis-allows self autonomy, self discovery, self honesty, to no longer have control, where this entire system of disallowing self autonomy is so embedded as perceived and “only” method of support, as nothing else has been presented, is all that is seen, where the fear of loss of means of support as money, that changing this system is feared, as there would be no way to place food on the table, where everyone is waiting for someone else to stand up, and thus no change will come because it will take everyone to stand up, where this is the catch twenty-two, the symbol representing the separation of self into mind where self is a “2” where all the beings in separation as no longer being a one, are bound within a system they believe supports them, when in fact it is a system that develops separation and it this realization that must occur , realized and removed as in simply standing up and politically stopping this system through voting, where there is no need to radically change one’s life, but to simply stand up and support an equal money system to relax the catch as what has been accepted and allowed and from here be able to begin the development of man, of this world, to self realize the ability of each and everyone of us to understand this world, and the physical, becoming self hONEest, and thus automatically/autonomously self directing as life as all as one as equal here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize, thus to knot reality as this being of self is as an unawareness of reality, into an illusion of blame, of self pity, of self hate as what I have allowed my self to be, is a lack of understanding self as life, and thus in  the instability of my self in separation of self hONEsty I have no solid common ground, common sense to support me as life, as all that is here is life, and I exist in an illusion of the mind, that is placing conditioned separations as what is real as what is promoted by the current existent system as what is, where all sense of my self as life is never developed so what is left is a life of no substance and no support, on dependency to non directive, non self automating development, this non awareness that self has the capacity to learn and understand this physical world, where this is known, and thus to stop the discovery of self as life, plastered all over this world are directions that in essence are direction of self separation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not take the time to stop and to breath, and to realize this, where is I took the time to stop and to breath, and to understand the monetary system on this earth I would in a short period of time realize how unsupportive this system is for any kind of self awareness development in equal capacity for all life in this earth.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see that I cannot make political statements without understanding how money moves in this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that as I seek money, as what I obsess over and wish for and want, as this is how I survive within this world, to say I do not understand the monetary system yet can make statements about political groups, indicates that I cannot understand politics unless I realize that everyone on this earth is dependent on money to survive and thus the very movement of politics is also about money, as all of this world is obsessed with money because money is how humanity receives sustenance as food and shelter and water, the middle man of existence taking a cut.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, hear, and realize that without money I cannot survive in this world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to understand that within a profit based system the illusion of lack must be created to de-man(d) life into fear of survival, and then within this fear as what man becomes, where man is blinded, a supply of life sustenance can be given, where this sustenance is grabbed and in this frenzy not even looked at for what is is, where what is given can be again divided to partially sustain a person, limiting self development, where the state of limited development can become all that is known and all that is lived, as self will know of nothing else, only have momentary sense of something being missing, yet what returns , as this has been made huge, is the desire to have money to survive.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot understand how a debt based system in fact works, where debt is economic enslavement to a system where money  represents resource, as resource that is of this earth, an earth that gives unconditionally, and thus cannot be owned, yet I can be deceived into believing that this can be owned, as a monetary value is placed in this earth, and thus my earth, my possessions become a commodity for survival  as monetary value only, instead of the substance of life that it is where I in allowing this and following this become this instead of realizing my self as the substance of life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not understand that all debt is in the hands of the people, while the value and ownership of the resource as the money is resource transposed into a “sign,”   is then able to be  allowed to move or withdrawn within this society, to create conflict and lack and a mass of people blaming one another for this lack as the stories in the media, the media being supported by those who hold the real value ( which is simply a transposed value), promote relative cause and effect scenarios instead of absolute value causes and effects as seeing the whole of the present system on this earth and how this system by it very nature, creates the existent nature of mankind on earth, a “nature” that is man in separation and suspended-non-self-development  that is man in diminishment lost in relative awareness and not absolute awareness that all that is here on this earth is composed of the substance of life that which supports and is the equality of all of us.

Thus, I commit my self to speaking up again and again and again until my last breath the nature of this system that has become the nature of mankind on this earth in separation from self as life, as what is best for self is what is best for all.

I commit my self to revealing the limited nature of man as mind ,where many cannot even see of a painting is done from a photograph or from the actual physical world, where this subtle difference is tangible and can reveal the non ability of mankind to be able to sense this physical world  and the depth of insight available to each and every one of us, as what we are as life is able and capable to understand this physical world and become aware of ourselves as life, where what is best for self is best for all as this is life.

I commit my self to transposition my self away from only existing as mind.

I commit my self to realizing that my wants reveal my separations from my own self hONEsty as life.

I commit my self to not fearing my fear, as my fear is my separation and thus the very door to my self discovery , where i can bring my self back to self and stop my self existing in the bling of the energetic existence of myself separate from what is real, this physical world and my ability to common sense the life that is this physical world.

I commit my self to realizing that I have made my separations from life bigger than what is this physical world.

I commit my self to breath and realizing my fears are my separations, where my love is my addiction to habituated ideas of what is more than and less than, when what is more than and less than is what was taught as this was believed to be what one needed to survive and that my fears are what I believe I cannot in essence sense when such a statement cannot be real, as all that is here is life,one and equal as the substance of life, thus to say I cannot sense, as I am life, is a clear indication that something makes no sense, where even in the words “makes no sense” one can see the answer, that this present system makes/created/develops NO SENSE ability, removes/diminishes sense, eliminates the capacity of self as life, as life is what all is, to be itself which is life, thus how cannot  essence not sense itself as it is as all that is?

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