Monday, June 25, 2012

Day 71 Life or sympathetic longing-for ? memory. You decide.


Day 71 Life or sympathetic longing-for ? memory. You decide.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a family
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have these feelings of longing to have a family.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am somehow missing something because I do not have this system perfect picture presentation of having a family, with a nice house and a green lawn, and two cats, and a dog, and children in the yard.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this is my mind with a picture presentation of what a family consists of and exists as, and if I look closely at this I realize it is not what is real that having a family in this world is filled with stress and worry about money.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this desire for a family is based on an idea and nothing else, as there are many ways to live in this world and having a  system picture perfect family is not the only way in which to live.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this idea of a family is based on my past, where, in worry about my future and an aspect of facing change, I project images of this past into and as my future , taking moments from the past connected to emotional and feeling energies and project them to imagine what my future will be and become, not realizing that I am existing as a limited idea of what is real, a partial idea of what is reality and that there is much more to reality than this limited design of existence picture, and that in the process of existing in and as my mind - which many of us are not even aware of because this has become habit- I am not present here, one and equal with the physical, where in allowing mind imaginings, I actually separate myself from what is here and miss out on the gift of life that is here as this physical world that which supports me as life, which if one starts to think about this, is like not having lived.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in wanting the image in and as my mind, I am judging everything that is of life that is here , that is what supports me, because it is not fitting what I have in my mind.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this picture in my mind is one dimensional and superficial and has no physical sensations in and as common sense, it is in fact all an alternate reality “dreamscape,” I have been existing as my whole life, as the children begin to have this already in the third grade, and thus have a hard time reading which the system has labeled as ADD and ADHD and then makes a profit selling ritalin , where it is known that these psychotrophic drugs merely suppress the allowed separations from life which must eventually come out, and will just put off the problem to another day, and meanwhile the child is not learning to be here and solve problems and be self directive.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to  realize that this memory I have of sunlight coming into a room and shining on a wood floor with a child crawling across the floor is from my past, where there is a feeling memory of being at peace, safe and secure with my child as a baby, where what is attached to this memory is this feeling of security and peace, and within my present environment I face changes and thus in fear of change, I imagine a time of peace and security.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that within this there is a longing, and this longing has no clear definition, thus in actual fact it is an alternate reality mirage, where here in this actual physical world I fear facing the future, where I exist in a system that does not support me as life, yet I am on a planet, a physical world that is the actual real source of support as what i am here, and this actual self within this real tangible physical world has given me  life unconditionally, and yet the system that is here has placed labels of ownership all over this physical world, and placed images all over this physical world as what I should be and exist as, which as we can see what mind images do, is myself being owned which I accepted and allowed, all of which I support through participation and acceptance and allowance and all because I fear standing up as my self as life, directing myself as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand what has been accepted and allowed on this earth that is in fact an atrocity.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that living within and as memories is disrespecting the gift given which is this physical world, a world that gives of itself freely, and thus  ownership and control of resource distribution by a few in the guise of developing a nation, is an absolute crime against life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my desire to have a family is actually insane, because i have had a family, and what am I supposed to do, long for a family for the rest of my life?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that having a family within this present system is actually like being grounded for twenty years.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I can’t remember every moment I spent raising my children, so where was I?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I have already figured out that I have been in my mind imagining a past memory as I face a change in my future, and thus, was I doing this in the past and this is why I can’t remember every moment of my time spent raising my children?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have probably spent much of my life in and as my mind, not being present here, one and equal to this forgiving physical world, where I must ask myself where I had been, and what “being in mind images” is in fact? where I can’t even remember what mind imaginings I was existing as that occupied me to the point where I can’t remember every moment of raising my children, so where was I, and have I lived a life in fact?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I can’t remember my life in detail, the mind imaginings and the actual physical reality in absolute detail, thus I have not in fact lived, I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as a mirage, and just as a mirage my life has been spent in illusion and as existing as this it is no wonder there is no explanation within this system to explain the existence of suicide.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to ask myself,  what might I have accomplished if I had been here in every moment?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not ask myself why the human is existing as this?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to wonder if this is happening to the children who are labeled as ADHD and ADD, and maybe if I ask one of them what they did yesterday, I will find that they will either tell me a story of what DID NOT happen, or they will not remember, and thus I will see realize and understand that the children of this world are already, at a tender young age not in fact present , one and equal to this physical world, this world, this earth that gives to support life unconditionally, and yet some believe they can own what is here, and thus rape what sustains from under the feet of men and animals and plants.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I am one and equal to what is here, to all that is of this earth, this that supports myself, even as I exist in separation from this earth in a mirage where I can’t even remember the details of my life, and actually only have limited memories that have emotional and feeling attachments in which  I wallow and thus, I am not here, and thus I have not lived with what is real, this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that something has been lost because I no longer have the picture perfect image of a family, a wife with a husband, beginning to walk into their so called “golden years.”
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is not that having a family is right or wrong, it is that the family as it exists , exists as an idea of fitting an image, which is a directive from without, and the self as life is ignored, and the family as it exists in a system of inequality and belief in ownership of natural supportive resources causes a struggle to survive and for most of this earth a life of struggle to even have the basic necessities of life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no security until all are secure, and that real security on this earth means that I would not exist as hanging onto memories of a moment of supposed “feeling of security” as security would be a given and thus life would begin, where every moment lived would be remembered as it would be a moment of actual life, one and equal to this physical world and thus not a forgotten existence as a mirage as existing as imagination and memory is an existence of dissipation ( dis apply ing self in common sense of this physical world ) .


I commit myself to becoming one and equal to this physical world through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective application, where I become the living word, the same today, as yesterday and tomorrow, where I transcend through the eye of the needle .
I commit myself to realizing that anything promoted within a system of inequality, as what is so evident on this earth, cannot be trusted and that it is not the ingredients that are “bad or good” but a system that pits good against bad in order to profit, and thus does not support equality, where all that is of this earth is realized as the value, the value as life as what  it is.
I commit myself to realizing my memories of my past are singular and if I  really look at them they are just this - an image with an emotional/feeling attachment, where the emotions are the devil and the feelings are the angel, a distorting mirage in separation from what is real, this physical world, and that this “distorting mirage” is a cognitive dissonance  into and as polarities as more than and less than, all of which I have accepted and allowed , and what is used by a system of inequality that exists as a fear of loss, as the singularity of less than made huge causes instability  and a separation from what is supportive, and thus has the human become a zombie worshipping a false god - a god and a devil - where the two together are the original choice as one that is the separation as life from itself as equal and one as the substance of life in self direction and not a voice in the head pondering like the swing of a pendulum from one pole to the next.


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