Working with my own emotional firewalls Day 753

I had an interaction with a family member where I noticed that I rushed in something I said. If I look, I realize an pattern that I have lived come forward. It is a color of rushing, and of trying to get on top of something said, to both push it away and fix it. What also happened is that what was being explained by my family member, the overall story did not come out in one moment, it came out in a series of moments. This is noted because in hearing the whole situation, the movements being described became more clear. I realized that in the environment where things separate from this story, were being done, so the interaction moved from one focus to another, as the sort was told during the completion of other tasks. 

One of the states of belief I move into, is to rush, like to talk in such a way to fix a problem as though I know, before I hear the whole story. Like there is a sense that i am supposed to fix something. If I do not I am not a good person. I am inadequate. Within this I can see where this idea can become a distraction, and I miss elements of things only to be embarrassed later that I did not slow down and listen to the whole story of information that is describing itself to itself, because this is what we do in so many ways, to substantiate a person who is basically resolving something. Here, I want to say, it is almost as though humans do resolve their issues themselves, walk through them, what is needed more often than not, is listening, being patient. After all, one of the ways we have become a consciousness of separation is because we did not take the time to look, to slow down, to self realize, to walk our past actions, to deconstruct and reconstruct to realize how we are caught in a situation that is out of synch with an easy flow and understanding that is non-disruptive of what is more natural as a state of being present. 

In realizing the patterns of separation, in the game of blame and spite, projections of values onto others for a perceived fault, which is a perceived imbalance, there are sequences, of reactions and actions, patterns, and these can be realized and within such, one can become more patient, and listen, even within myself, and play with seeing the forms. Somehow, I rush within this, and it leaves a sense of unfinished business, where I then blame myself, become ashamed, want to go back and fix something, go into self pity, a sense of impossibility, when right there, was a flow of description that could see itself and resolve an issue. In a way, one only need retell the story, and lend a mirror image of actions that pull the whole together to allow a reciprocity for the teller to see more the parts and the whole, to have insight into what they are revealing to themselves, because in a way, we all know what we are doing. 

In a way, the solution is to bring forward the pattern for self recognition, that pattern given, through listening, and to use the imagination to show the form, to lend self discovery. This is being agreeable, and working through a mis-understanding, to allow insight with self as another as I would want this for myself. And, to be consistent with this process, to become more agile in recognizing it. After all, I am here, so why the rush? Becoming a rush to define, creates an information bias, or a focal distraction, as ideas, beliefs and opinions. It is lacking  a faith in the command of who and what i am as a human being, that can take in, or listen, to hear the whole form, to recognize patterns and align them with presence. Here presence means not being reactive, not wanting a gain, or, wanting what one would want for one’s self. BY this I mean, an understanding that in meeting with another with insight , one has a steady groundedness in understanding that can stand in time, and be more compassionate without coloring compassion as a value judgement as a gain. After all, humans are less anxious and more productive when they are focused.

On a greater scale, the time to listen to others, is so missing from our society. This is apparent in the form of our schools, that are more listening only to one person, as are the platforms of the media. We rarely have the time to get what we see, to reflect on what we are seeing in the very form of our busy lives. And yet, we are taught to listen, but not reflect on what we listen to.  We do not look at what we have taken in, and relate it to the practical that is so missing in our lives. And, ironically, what our younger people are losing the capacity to do as they become adults. I mean, I have read complaints that younger generations have no interpersonal and practical skills. How can they if they spend their childhood years only watching and listening, and without follow through into application? In some ways, as a society, how can we blame them when the adults have allowed a system that does not lend the time to listen, to be patient, to resolve, to place what is being heard, and as such, formed, into practical applications in this living reality? 

And, within this, punishment of this, is not correction. Thus, punishment is pointless, it is only more blame and spite. it is only more of the problem. It is like the dis-ease has to become so big, to much an ‘ elephant in the room’ before we acknowledge this. It is like the chemical fixes as drugs placed in the market, that have not had careful studies done, and that start having side effects that grow and grow, are buried, are denied until they can no longer be denied, and the drug is taken off the market. These actions of not taking real care, of not really listening to what we are doing, are not of benefit for us. How many times are we going to allow this before we realize there is only one choice? That choice is to slow down and listen, to realize the form, see and check the consequences, make sure there is no harm, and then move into action. Such care, real care, real consideration would lead to greater presence and more faith in who and what we are as mankind.  Otherwise, we all become personalities living in juggling the lack, and wonder why we did not really live our lives when we reach the end. This is why, there is not other choice, but the choice to do no harm, to take that which is good, as that which brings clarity of practical purpose, and to realize the patterns within of separation and the focus of and as what grounds us here, to be present in this life, in the art of real  living. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the valley of value judgements.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to rush

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not slow down and hear the whole story, to allow that story to come forward, in all it details, which means in this present existence, of busyness that sometimes the whole story takes time to unfold.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some form of competition, and that I must prove something about who and what I am, when I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a quick fix, not seeing realizing and understanding that when and as I speak, before I speak, especially after having walked so many patterns that I can ask myself if I have enough information, and even to ask more questions to bring what is informing and occupying another, and myself to get into all the corners of the story, to check and make sure a clear understanding is formed, to them begin to deconstruct and reconstruct into what lends presence , as greater presence brings greater insight, to the extent the gift given which is natural and who and what we are as humans,  is aligning into clarity, into practical actions that can move with no uncertainty, and a real groundedness that brings ease.

I forgive myself for, as  a reaction to my own default, for allowing and accepting myself to move into self pity, self blame and self hate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then move into a belief that things are impossible, when I am here wit what is constant as the presence of life. of creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not slow down, and to realize in every breath in every moment that I as who and what i am as life, can slow down, listen, be patient. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to focus on a belief that I am not enough, and that remembering being grounded here, is impossible, when I am possible as who and what I am in form and function as a living being, as a man, here. 

When and as I find myself moving into resistance, I stop, I breath, I slow down, and I see realize and understand resistance as a red flag, to realize whereIi am rushing, disrespecting who and what I am as life, as self blame, blame, comparison/competition,  self pity/ disempowerment,  giving up, self hate, and I stop, I breath, I ground myself here, to live the practice of presence and patience, to stand as what is real, as the practice of being present in who and what I am, to live the realization that there are no problems only solutions, and that who and what I am, is more natural.

When and as I find myself moving into a sense that things are impossible, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I become agile in living insight, leading to living solutions with consistency, to stand in living the joy of understanding and being in and with and as the presence of who and what I am, which is life, here.

When and as I find myself believing that something is impossible, I stop, I breath, I listen, I hear, I stand with presence in consideration of all things, breathing through anxiety, to hear what is in synch with life, as this physical world that is me, and that is all around me here.  

Day 111 Love is the admission of fear

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that fear will create a distance

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that fear creates distances between people

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is distance between people

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am distant from another

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my own feeling of un worth is a belief that I am distant from others

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that when and as I feel unworthy as though I am doing something wrong all that exists is a distance through and as fear with another

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my own feeling of un-worth is a belief that I cannot reach another because I could not reach my father or my mother, where I did not even try with my mother as she was the one who held the paddle and my father was the one who used the words, who cried with his words

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that when my father would come for apology I would feel absolute disgust and I did not want him to touch me, to hug me, yet after he did this I was glad, I was once again free for a while.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that distance I feel between myself and others is my fear of becoming one and equal with them in and as a fear of rejection from them

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this distance is a distance of fear

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I am in fear I am at a distance from what is real from looking at what is here, from seeing what is here

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that fear takes one on a journey, distancing one from what is actually physically here,

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that those years I was told I needed a man, was a slow progression from myself here, from my common sense into and as starting to look at other men and thinking thatI needed a man, when I would say to myself that I do not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need a man

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that the distance is the illusion of the mirage, the mirror age of fear, as the mirror distorts what is real and creates and age, a story a time warp, where time and warp are one and equal, as time warps, the very presentation as the idea of time and warp coupled together actually separates the two in and as our minds where the two are  actually one, as time warps, the subject and the verb joined, as one.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see that the distance from myself creates the sense of unworthiness and thus I am no longer here, my un worth is the diminishment into and as the reflection of an idea and not myself here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that to believe in love is to be fear, to separate from myself here into and as a mirror image in and as an idea in separation from what is here, from what is physically here as life, as myself as life in common sense of life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this mirage as a time warp is myself in fear, where I have to move the image of what i fear and myself as though I move two worlds, the world of this physical existence and the bubble of my fear as the story of my fear, as the gloom and doom of my fear, where I am not here in common sense of this physical world, thus my fear is my separation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that the program that I exist as is to separate myself from myself as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become the image and likeness of what is expected of myself here, in and as the characters we are taught to be, to survive, as these characters are meant to become polished images of what is success within a system of division through economic inequality, the very nature of myself as life is suppressed into and as what will allow myself to survive, and this system of survival is limited by design and does not consider the nature of the expression of men, but instead makes of woman - for example- the belief that being anything other than a barbie doll means little chance of success, where, like in a factory, the pressed out dolls do not always fit and are deformed, or don’t make it to affluent neighborhoods and do not have a chance of being sold etc, and thus are cast away, or sold into conditions where they are not taken care of etc. thus there is only opportunity for the few as this world does not organize and practice what is best for all, what supports all life, and uses an image to distort and create a mirage, a mirror image as memory to age and diminish what is real, in separation from life, where the more we become the image and likeness of what SELLS the greater the distance we are from ourselves.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot speak through the distance

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am at a vast distance from others

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some great distance between me and others, the people around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this distance is in and as the mind, in separation from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize this as I have continually had these moments of sudden vertigo where I was looking down from above as a picture in and as my mind, and then the fear came, the falling, for the last days I have had these images of a great distance coming up and then I would fall.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe there is distance between myself and another

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to believe that something is unreachable, I am creating a distance, and that this distance is an illusion as everything is right here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot get others to hear me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that others, that life is at some great distance form me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot see life here, as this distance is the measure of belief, opinion and idea in separation from common sense here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that love is fear, that love is grasping and holding onto something into an effort to not become separated when it is the allowance and acceptance of role play, of the process of polishing one’s self up to survive that creates the distance from life here, from common sense here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in physical fact there is not distance between my self and another, but the idea, belief and opinion in which I cloak myself in and as through the judgement of myself in relation to a norm that is the exception to common sense of life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my desire is my drug to fulfill and maintain my separation, as I become accustomed to the distance as I learn to move within the distance and thus am limited in my ability to conceptualize the whole and the life as me, needs outlet as it is not directed, thus do I need an image and likeness - as a fixation- with a tube of “evacuation” attached to release the non use of myself in totality, where this is seen within how the human has created this system on earth, where there is so much waste, as how what is here is used is not considering the totality of the nature of the resource and thus creates waste as a belief that this waste is not usable as this part of what was used is not seen, as the form of what was used is not comprehended in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize, see and understand that my own constrictions are the di-use of myself here in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize there is no distance and thus there is not need to fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am far away from life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am here where, within this, the illusion is the distance, the fear is the distance, and fear is belief in distance, and saying “I love you” is reinforcing the separation from here, thus, to say “ I love you” is to be in fear, in separation from here.

I commit myself to realizing that the act, in and as a belief, that one must tell another they “love” them is a separation from what is here and thus one and the same as saying I am fear.

I commit myself to realizing that to speak the words “ I love you” is the admission of fear, of separation from life here.

I commit myself to realizing that if I am not one and equal to another than I am in separation from life and thus I am existing within and as fear,

I commit myself to realizing that love is not something that needs to be said, or proved, as if one is one and equal to life here, realizing that life is the value, every act, every deed would be the support of what is best for all, and thus would the very being of self , as life, be the very sound of the word love in and as the expression of self in totality.

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Day 71 Life or sympathetic longing-for ? memory. You decide.

Day 71 Life or sympathetic longing-for ? memory. You decide.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a family

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have these feelings of longing to have a family.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am somehow missing something because I do not have this system perfect picture presentation of having a family, with a nice house and a green lawn, and two cats, and a dog, and children in the yard.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this is my mind with a picture presentation of what a family consists of and exists as, and if I look closely at this I realize it is not what is real that having a family in this world is filled with stress and worry about money.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this desire for a family is based on an idea and nothing else, as there are many ways to live in this world and having a  system picture perfect family is not the only way in which to live.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this idea of a family is based on my past, where, in worry about my future and an aspect of facing change, I project images of this past into and as my future , taking moments from the past connected to emotional and feeling energies and project them to imagine what my future will be and become, not realizing that I am existing as a limited idea of what is real, a partial idea of what is reality and that there is much more to reality than this limited design of existence picture, and that in the process of existing in and as my mind - which many of us are not even aware of because this has become habit- I am not present here, one and equal with the physical, where in allowing mind imaginings, I actually separate myself from what is here and miss out on the gift of life that is here as this physical world that which supports me as life, which if one starts to think about this, is like not having lived.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in wanting the image in and as my mind, I am judging everything that is of life that is here , that is what supports me, because it is not fitting what I have in my mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this picture in my mind is one dimensional and superficial and has no physical sensations in and as common sense, it is in fact all an alternate reality “dreamscape,” I have been existing as my whole life, as the children begin to have this already in the third grade, and thus have a hard time reading which the system has labeled as ADD and ADHD and then makes a profit selling ritalin , where it is known that these psychotrophic drugs merely suppress the allowed separations from life which must eventually come out, and will just put off the problem to another day, and meanwhile the child is not learning to be here and solve problems and be self directive.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to  realize that this memory I have of sunlight coming into a room and shining on a wood floor with a child crawling across the floor is from my past, where there is a feeling memory of being at peace, safe and secure with my child as a baby, where what is attached to this memory is this feeling of security and peace, and within my present environment I face changes and thus in fear of change, I imagine a time of peace and security.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that within this there is a longing, and this longing has no clear definition, thus in actual fact it is an alternate reality mirage, where here in this actual physical world I fear facing the future, where I exist in a system that does not support me as life, yet I am on a planet, a physical world that is the actual real source of support as what i am here, and this actual self within this real tangible physical world has given me  life unconditionally, and yet the system that is here has placed labels of ownership all over this physical world, and placed images all over this physical world as what I should be and exist as, which as we can see what mind images do, is myself being owned which I accepted and allowed, all of which I support through participation and acceptance and allowance and all because I fear standing up as my self as life, directing myself as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand what has been accepted and allowed on this earth that is in fact an atrocity.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that living within and as memories is disrespecting the gift given which is this physical world, a world that gives of itself freely, and thus  ownership and control of resource distribution by a few in the guise of developing a nation, is an absolute crime against life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my desire to have a family is actually insane, because i have had a family, and what am I supposed to do, long for a family for the rest of my life?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that having a family within this present system is actually like being grounded for twenty years.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I can’t remember every moment I spent raising my children, so where was I?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I have already figured out that I have been in my mind imagining a past memory as I face a change in my future, and thus, was I doing this in the past and this is why I can’t remember every moment of my time spent raising my children?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have probably spent much of my life in and as my mind, not being present here, one and equal to this forgiving physical world, where I must ask myself where I had been, and what “being in mind images” is in fact? where I can’t even remember what mind imaginings I was existing as that occupied me to the point where I can’t remember every moment of raising my children, so where was I, and have I lived a life in fact?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I can’t remember my life in detail, the mind imaginings and the actual physical reality in absolute detail, thus I have not in fact lived, I have allowed and accepted myself to exist as a mirage, and just as a mirage my life has been spent in illusion and as existing as this it is no wonder there is no explanation within this system to explain the existence of suicide.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to ask myself,  what might I have accomplished if I had been here in every moment?

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not ask myself why the human is existing as this?

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to wonder if this is happening to the children who are labeled as ADHD and ADD, and maybe if I ask one of them what they did yesterday, I will find that they will either tell me a story of what DID NOT happen, or they will not remember, and thus I will see realize and understand that the children of this world are already, at a tender young age not in fact present , one and equal to this physical world, this world, this earth that gives to support life unconditionally, and yet some believe they can own what is here, and thus rape what sustains from under the feet of men and animals and plants.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I am one and equal to what is here, to all that is of this earth, this that supports myself, even as I exist in separation from this earth in a mirage where I can’t even remember the details of my life, and actually only have limited memories that have emotional and feeling attachments in which  I wallow and thus, I am not here, and thus I have not lived with what is real, this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that something has been lost because I no longer have the picture perfect image of a family, a wife with a husband, beginning to walk into their so called “golden years.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is not that having a family is right or wrong, it is that the family as it exists , exists as an idea of fitting an image, which is a directive from without, and the self as life is ignored, and the family as it exists in a system of inequality and belief in ownership of natural supportive resources causes a struggle to survive and for most of this earth a life of struggle to even have the basic necessities of life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no security until all are secure, and that real security on this earth means that I would not exist as hanging onto memories of a moment of supposed “feeling of security” as security would be a given and thus life would begin, where every moment lived would be remembered as it would be a moment of actual life, one and equal to this physical world and thus not a forgotten existence as a mirage as existing as imagination and memory is an existence of dissipation ( dis apply ing self in common sense of this physical world ) .

I commit myself to becoming one and equal to this physical world through writing, self forgiveness, and corrective application, where I become the living word, the same today, as yesterday and tomorrow, where I transcend through the eye of the needle .

I commit myself to realizing that anything promoted within a system of inequality, as what is so evident on this earth, cannot be trusted and that it is not the ingredients that are “bad or good” but a system that pits good against bad in order to profit, and thus does not support equality, where all that is of this earth is realized as the value, the value as life as what  it is.

I commit myself to realizing my memories of my past are singular and if I  really look at them they are just this - an image with an emotional/feeling attachment, where the emotions are the devil and the feelings are the angel, a distorting mirage in separation from what is real, this physical world, and that this “distorting mirage” is a cognitive dissonance  into and as polarities as more than and less than, all of which I have accepted and allowed , and what is used by a system of inequality that exists as a fear of loss, as the singularity of less than made huge causes instability  and a separation from what is supportive, and thus has the human become a zombie worshipping a false god - a god and a devil - where the two together are the original choice as one that is the separation as life from itself as equal and one as the substance of life in self direction and not a voice in the head pondering like the swing of a pendulum from one pole to the next.

Creation's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to Life

Earth's Journey to Life