Friday, June 29, 2012

Day 75 The checklist of values in and as my mind.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot speak.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am unworthy of speaking because I have not convinced others of the reality of this world
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that people would come up to me and tell me how wonderful and talented I was at the violin, and I would say to them, it has nothing to do with talent, anyone could do this, it takes practice and about 10,000 hours of work and even then, which was before desteni, they would look at me and repeat what they had said, thus, this is a clear indication of programming and limited insight, and in reality there is no clearer way to say what I said, so perhaps - though I need to work on what i say- it  is not that I have failed, it is that if one listens to ideas and knowledge and information, as what we are lead to believe, it is difficult to hear anything else.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that just as it took time to program the human to believe it is all about talent and not self direction, it takes time to  change what has been programmed into myself as a human.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand , that even today, as I was out on the road , I started to look at homes and go through a check list in my mind, to “check off” what was nice about this home, even down to the way the yard was landscaped, all based on what i have been taught to “look for” and judge as being OK, or plain, or ratty, or messy, or boring etc.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that even if I stop and realize that I am doing this, it is programmed into my flesh and thus, will need self forgiveness to deprogram.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have become a walking checklist, making comparisons incessantly according to the values within my family culture.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my “checklist of criteria” are meant to sustain my cultural value system, where I am so busy doing this, I do not have time to take a good look at what is happening all over this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I find myself going into make believe stories, where all the criteria of my value “check list’ are placed in this imaginary story.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that  even though I can see that each of us is able to develop ourselves as life, there is still a program where I want to save the world, realizing in common sense that the solution to saving this world is to allow each person to become equal and one as themselves to life, a process each must walk into and as self discovery as life, and that this can be no other way, so that the inequality that exists on this earth never happens again.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow myself to fantasize using the checklist of the values and morality of my family and past.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not immediately stop my mind from doing this, where still I find myself already through the introduction to my fantasy before I realize what I am accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to reprimand myself with  a curse and a self judgement and instead to simply say stop and focus once again on breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like this process is impossible when I can hear an “undercurrent” of self pity wanting to have a voice within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have inner conversations where I compare and check off criteria based on what i have been taught is right and wrong.


I commit myself to focusing on breath and stopping the inner conversations in and as my mind from allowing myself to focus on ideas, beliefs and opinions that adhere to supporting a life in a bubble where all life is not considered.

I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to have inner conversations where I validate the morality that I have been taught within a system that does not consider the care for all life equally.

I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here in and as breath, and to realize I have no idea who I am, as all I am is a set of values taught within a system that has not considered all life equally.

I commit myself to slowly but surely stopping the mind, and remaining here in and as breath, to birth myself as life into the physical so that life can begin.

I commit myself to no longer reprimanding myself for the voices I catch myself becoming in and as my mind, and to simply say stop and from here to focus on my breath.

I commit myself to breath, to only speak when that part of myself that says stop, has something to say, and not to go into a response based on knowledge and information and to be diligent as myself as adding an emotional value as the words I speak and say.

I commit myself to being diligent within existing as giving emotional values to words as “right and wrong,” want, need and desire.


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