The ungroundedness of self interest Day 767

Two days ago I had an interaction with a man. I had been waiting to use an ATM. He was the next in line. For some reason, I assumed he was with the person in the ATM. Perhaps because he was standing somewhat at a distance from the AT> The person in the ATM came out, and I moved to enter. He called out to me and I stopped. I immediately apologized and said I assumed he was with the woman. I was calm.

It did not matter, he then went on to tell me to go in that i was obviously in a rush, to which  responded again that I was as fault and had made an assumption, and that I had time. He then said the same thing again, that I was obviously in need, and that I should go. I did have the thought to go, while at the same time, I noticed what I have noticed before, which is a person not looking here, and instead looking at something else. He proceeded to walk away, as if in disgust.  It appeared to me to be a tiny tantrum. It is like a movement that is invisible, attempting to pull the space into something, that has nothing to do with the space, the moment, the living reality. 

What astounded me was how small it really was to go into something like this. Even though I was attempting to realize my own actions, I also in this noticed how tiny the emotional storms are. I have a sense of “ why” ?  There is no point to having these dramas. And, obviously the person wanted a situation in which to vent something.  I can have no idea what this person’s day was. It had nothing to do with me overall, and yet, it was unacceptable in another, overall. 

Lately I look at the discipline of playing an instrument and all the martial arts movies. The master has no time for emotional excuses or games because they understand that such things become a distraction, an interference, from being focused in the moment, as self, in one’s body. This is also why depression is always self interest, because what brings one into a state of ease, is being focused here, on this reality, in the practical. Given what is happening on the world stage, and the financial structure we allow through our participation, exciting polarized values about things is the means of manipulation. To make one thing appear more than another, in state of comparison, or competition, as this is what this creates, is the means of division from what is normal, which is  the practical and physical reality around us. Morals of judgement lacking practical perspective, are polarizing values, which is a separation from the practical.  How we ever allowed a banking system using interest mechanisms that flow all wealth to a government, via various round about structures, to then determine how we think, what we eat, and how we manage the consequences of not eating in ways that support our bodies, is astounding. It is a state of denial of self as life. It is living in an alternate reality, from the one that is here, and it is much much smaller, it is tiny. When that false reality of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than, is made larger, by the self, in a bubble, an inflamed story of mis information and an incorrect use of the imagination, it creates a separation that is the proverbial veil that one allowed one’s self. We are all aware of this.  

In so many ways, it is time to stand up and speak about this. Sometimes in a state of learning something, one gets to the point where one must go out and stand up as this, as this propels the awareness into reality. One must stand and be the instrument performing, in real time, and not only within and behind the walls of study. What I have found is that I really face my own morality when I speak up about this in public. I am moving against a habit, in real time, and all the reactions are going to come forward, as they are the programming. yet this weeds out those who refuse to look. What happens is one begins to realize how small the storm of energy within someone is, how tiny it is,  how meaningless it is. One has to be like those martial arts masters, and stand no matter what, and not put up with excuses, and yet in a calm manner, not a suppressed manner, a present and  calm manner. Also, to realize that mistakes will be made, things will be missed, and yet this is no different than moving out of a private practice with an instrument into playing out in the world. One only learns to catch what one is doing, in real time and space. 

In one moment when this man reacted and insisted, as he turned away, I did have the thought move through me that he was busy projecting something and probably had not heard a word I said as he was busy in his own storied information. Even I moved beyond this, like saying no to the thought. This thought being small within myself. Just as I saw this movement as this that the man was being as small, so too was the same as a reaction within me towards him. What I am looking at here, is how much such states of being have the quality of a person not moving, not looking here, and ignoring the real space around them, like a glitch in space. with a tiny storm around the person. Just as the one I had around me, and just as the assumption moved me. It has a quality of not being present, and of hiding. 

I remember our dogs barking when the children went off to get on the school bus in the morning. They always started to bark, and never liked the big yellow school buses.  It always bothered me. Why were they barking so much? On some level, they could see that the children did not want to get on the bus and go to school. I realize that sending children off to be in a room every day for 13 years, to memorize information, is not what is best for them. This is how to inform them of what supports what upholds the present system that is raging wars, using the capacity of men for resource acquisition without regard for the life on this planet. We have allowed a government that is the model of what we are doing, within ourselves, and we are sending our children off for someone else to educate because we are so busy keeping the bubble of limited constructs of polarized values that consume us going that we cannot slow down and show our children this living reality.  The irony is , is that we made the choice to focus here, on this living reality, this practical and visible reality, we would find a real state of ease.  And, we mankind are so capable, we could make the change in a short period of time! 

Overall, walking mind constructs, to realize the patterns of our separation, as accumulated value judgements, from a starting point of an initial fear that compounds into a distraction that exists as a bubble around the self, is visible in its lack of presence in reality. It moves as a kind of frozen stiffness, like a glitch in presence, in being here. In children with whom I have worked, it triggers a restlessness, that can be refocused. One can realize the extent of this too, in whether or not one can hold something new within one’s self. If one cannot hold a word, for example and really define it to be clear and in tune, meaning one can use the tool as the word to bring one's presence into the greater whole as life, and as self in calm and  able to read information in a more self directive and self discovering state or manner, one is caught in a time loop, where a time loop is a body of storied and polarized information, having value judgements that separate one from what is more natural as a presence in awareness of this living reality that is this earth all around us. One could call this an emotional firewall. Even within the focus of one’s eyes is this visible. After all, what would one call a zombie or a vampire? 

I have a memory coming up of myself, standing in my parent’s kitchen. I must be in late elementary school or early middle school. In the memory, I move in a different way than I had moved before - or so I believe, or it had compounded to the extent that in this memory this movement happens to stand out more than others. I suddenly move to speak about information. It is like I can follow the patterns of the information and speak it out. It is like I move to stand in a picture, a body of ideas. It is interesting that while at the same time I sense the movement to stand in reality and speak up more openly about how this all works, that i have a memory coming forward of myself doing the same in relation to participating in communicating accepted storied constructs of information that had accumulated to the extent that I deemed it acceptable to move forward and speak it out to my parents. There is also a sense of gaining favor, or of being in synch with the measure of my parents within this.  I had stepped into being the cool aid, in a way. lol It is a memory that has the color of a first recital. There is also some sense of apprehension. And an awareness that I knew what i was doing, yet with full compliance. I was so focused on this that there was no real focus on an alternative at the time, in this memory.  Had I done this before, as in built up to this, with those times before having that moment where i remember running out to a tree to run from what I had resonantly allowed that I knew on some other level was not what was best? 

I realize that eventually, our awareness must become equal to the life around us as the physical. If we focused as who and what we are, as living physical beings, our focus on life, which is physical would so come to enjoy the subtle that are the forms that compose this life, that create the trees that we cannot live without. Trees that supersede any religious or political dogma. We are physical, and the physical reality is life. It is no wonder that what is real is in plain sight? 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to drink the cool aid of knowledge and information without practical application.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stand within the ,gaming of storied information to participate in survival, in self interest, to gain favor within a bubble as the polarized values of and as my family, in separation from remaining as who and what I am as life, as a physical state of being, in this reality that is physical and all around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to choose a limited storied set body of information, with the rise and fall of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than, instead of remaining practical, equal and one with and as a common sense of who and what I am as a physical state of being, as what is here in plain sight that is the same as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand how I participated within and as accumulating a storied body of information, to define me, to be the expression of and as me, that is knowledge and information without consideration of this practical reality as the physical, to gain favor, to survive, to such an extent that I forgot who and what I am, even having experienced the consequences of and as this, during my childhood.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to set bodies of information, as firewalls of emotion, accumulated over time, and not recognizing this as what I had done within myself. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to the same that i had accepted and allowed within and as me, as emotional feeling bodies composed of value judgements that separated myself from being present and equal to this reality, in all ways, standing as solution, within and as grounding presence in the practical, as this reality is must bigger and more alive, than bubbles of set bodies of polarized value judgements and the means to realize there are no problems only solutions, within and as creating what is best for all, as this is what is best for the self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that when and as an emotional storm is around me, or a movement in this reality around me, that it does not define me, unless i allow it, and that i need not fear such or believe that such is impossible to bring into being focused here, in this practical and living physical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that subtle nature of what I allowed within and as standing up to recite what I believed in the moment was how I should be to gain favor, to survive as this movement in the kitchen as a older child, was done in complete self interest, with a sense that I, as me, as seeing only my own self advancement in collecting value points, as self interest, stood up to speak, there is a quality of myself pulling myself into moving space into a picture of storied information that is not expansive, and more singular as being in a bubble, where the presence of me, forces myself into this, in a way that it seems normal, when the very movement is a focus away from being present of the  very kitchen and its components around me, which is astounding that I dd not see, realize and understand what I was accepting and allowing, and for this I forgive myself. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within this memory, I don’t even remember the adult standing there, I was so entrenched in my own recital of accepted and allowed information, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe, in where i am at the moment, that should I not recite what is collectively believed, as knowledge and information, as a set body of information, that I will be punished, when the real punishment is the suppression of myself, in standing in awareness of this physical and practical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that i need not believe that I must protect myself from emotional firewalls of value judgements, as they are really very small, and readable, in their movement of and as not being focused here, and that great patience and humbleness can be what it is that I become here, as who and what I am as life is able to remain focused here, in consideration of all things, breathing, slowing down and grounding myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is a more, as being a more than, within and as being able to stand up and recite to prove myself being worthy, which is a stating point of and as a belief that I am unworthy, and not myself being focused here, equal and one with this living reality that is physical all around me, that is me, as it is the same as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a storm in a tea cup, an emotional firewall, of and as beliefs, opinions and ideas, within believing there are more than wants needs and desires, when what and who I am is here, able to communicate and respect what is here, as the physical that is the same as me, composed of and as the same building blocks of and as reality, a life in expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must ‘ thrust’ myself forward, to gain, when I am here, physical as creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe there is a need to rush, to stand up and recite, to prove, when I am here, as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must compare myself to others, as in compete with others, when I am here.

When and as I find myself moving outside of being humble, calm, present, breathing, and remaining steady, within and as not only seeing and reacting as a mind consciousness system I have accepted and allowed I also slow down and realize what I am accepting and allowing as belief, opinion and idea, within want, need and desire, and I review to cross reference my own construct of separation and I place myself here, in focus on this living and practical reality, to sort out and follow through, to become a living practice and recitation in thought word and deed,  of realizing there are no problems and only solutions, to move out side of a narrow focus and to include all things as the practical and physical life that is around me, to forgive limitation, and expand insight of and as, to and towards this living breathing physical reality that is in plain sight.

When and as I find myself moving in fear, within and as the most subtle of movements, within and as me, I stop and I breath and I ground myself here, in focus and presence of this living physical and practical reality, to reciprocate and recite a focus on the ability that is natural to be in self awareness of the physical creation that is life, in plain sight. 

When and as I find myself moving into a narrow focus as fear, as energy, as using knowledge and information to direct me, to substantiate me, as a belief, opinion and idea, I stop, I slow down and I breath, to ground myself here, to forgive myself to the life in plain sight here, as the physical. 

When and as  speak, or stand forward to recite, or direct myself into communication I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, to see, realize and understand what I am moving as, to check the movement of myself in relation to gain, to survival,  to realize where I am in fear of and as an idea of loss, or an idea of not being substantiated, as though I am not enough, which is comparing myself to an idea of and as what I should be, which is a distraction from being present and equal to this living physical reality, as such  - slow down, to realize motivations that I allow and have allowed to direct me that are in self interest, in fear, instead of realizing the illusion is fear, which I can realize as something I am believing, as such is the illusion, and therefor, I am able as the capacity of and as me as life, to have the ability to remain stable and steady in considering all things, here that are in plain sight. 

What SPELLS have I cast, what SPELLS has Hillary Clinton cast? Day 716

Within playing the violin, I had to be aware of the muscles in my body because if they tensed, that tension built and then I was occupied in sorting that out and lost focus on what kept my place in the music, which was moving in those around me. 

At the moment, I am aware of energy moving in me. There appears to me to be a lot. Yet, someone reminded me that the energy is really very very small. It only appears huge. This is cool from one perspective because it reveals how by nature of our self as life, our presence, we can narrow our focus down to the smallest of things, and we can sense the whole of what is around us as well.  The energy within me , is where I accepted and allowed myself to focus for an extended period of time, on ideas, beliefs and opinions, that I did not resolve and balance back into reality, as all things, which includes the manifestation of form as the physical.  

What I notice is how much I have thoughts falling down into my body. Instead of myself cross-referencing what is here, I am projecting value judgements based on what I practiced as an abstract idea,  down from my head into my body. It is like this thick soup, heavy, dark, like a tar falling from within me.  It moves into various parts of the body, even into my chest.  There it resists addressing this very same thing in others, such an occupation of myself that problem solving because secondary to protection . 

I have a fear of people, which is related to another fear I have, as a paranoia of the paranormal. This, built in childhood, most probably because my parents were the same as me, as they absorbed this mis-take on reality from their parents, because that is the nature of life, to sense all things. This leads to realizing that the only thing to choose is that which does no harm, or, the choice is to move within what transforms in ways that do no harm- otherwise how does one learn how to create?  This is why my words must relate to this physical world directly. Each measure as each word, must trigger a relationship, as a respect of, what is here manifest as the physical.  This is living in consideration of all things. Within this, I would have no alternate reality of value judgements less than life, heavy, within and as me; this energy falling and moving around within me, that I accepted and allowed.

Just as in playing the violin, no one can do this for you but yourself, it does not matter who you absorbed that lead to this mis-take in reality as being the cry of why this has happened. This is not living solution; instead, in complaining one is that which one is being when one blames another, that other that has to do the same- no matter what.  Also, playing the violin, as an analogy here, means that one cannot understand until one is that capacity. In this world this means knowing one’s words and aligning them to reality. Then, to process this information with ease, to catch up to what has been a mis-take within and as one’s self, to see the patterns, to realize the movement, of which I am sure I have more to discover, as some are so subtle, within my own habit of resistance to life, that lead to a resistance to change, that lead to me separating myself from physical reality. 

As some may know, my husband committed suicide. I remember a time when I could see this coming, and a day, specifically, where I stood there in the hallway of our apartment at the time, and said to myself, “ what is it about he words” as I attempted to sort out what I could sense coming. Also, as I stood in front of a fourth grade class, and realized that the children were all over the place in their focus ability, and that all I could do is rebuild, just as I did when I taught the violin. It meant moving into the smallest measures and practicing them until they were stable, so that the presence of the person could expand to greater awareness of the space around them, or the information within an equal relationship to the space around them.  Those who know destini is related to Bernard Poolman must realize that what he did, as he was a stuck in his mind as the rest of us, that he had to process the information in this reality as words, to begin to see the patterns of the present system, and his own patterns of belief, to assess why there was so much destruction and not enough creation on this planet called earth. 

I can say, from the point of my own experience up until now, that realizing the energy moving within me, took time, and has more development towards realizing this. From the perspective of having and being within this, that energy appears to be so real, and so huge, that a perspective from within that, will believe, as in the will having accepted this, that that energy is real and all that is when it is not.   It is to say, that if you do not see the grass growing then you are not here, you as have I, rejected what is real, the physical world, for a false construct of ideas that is an entity within you. I cannot remember yesterday because I was not there, I was instead in a construct of information, limited and by such nature stagnant, within and as me, as energy.  Therefor, I have no real constancy, as life, because I was not in attention to life, as the physical.  I accepted a polarized story of information, that layered within and as me, becoming a personality of likes and dislikes, and believing that I had wants needs and desires that made me unique and special, when what was special, or is special is being life, being here, creating and living. 

In all, one has to get one’s processing speed up, one has to see, realize and understand that SPELL within and it manifestation as a world system that is not aligned with respect of all things, as the physical world, which is creation, which is the means of ourselves being in expression as life here. One has to catch up, so to speak, to the spin of energy, composed of ideas, beliefs and opinions , which means one must process the words as their spin holding the system in place AND as the constructs of value judgements within one’s self.  One could say that this started with religion, those first tech buildings filled with song and colored windows. One could say this started with agriculture, creating imagery, as icons of objects from nature, giving them a meaning within one’s self that was just this, a value within in separation from the real physical thing.  Thus, here we are, on earth, perhaps the last bastion of somewhat functioning physical creation, compounded down to a single point as this is all that is left from a race who idolize what is within without respect towards creation.   A respect and care towards all things is the only choice, as this is the real nature of life. It is the innate capacity of each of us. It is who and what we are as life. 

In all, I must realize my own SPELLS, to bring myself back to who and what I am as life, to stand, equal and one in respect of physical reality, as this is creation information.  If I cannot process the information as the spells, as my word relationship within energy/value judgements , then how will I realize my own accepted and allowed legerdemain that is an inferiority to life as that which is who and what I am that is my own separation from being present and equal to the will of and as me as life, here. 

Am I SPELLING courage or am I spelling chaos, as limitation and stagnation are a form of chaos filled with  projecting and imagining blame and worst case scenarios, gloom and doom, fear and reaction instead of problem solving.  Have I managed to move information, as the spells of men, to such a degree that I begin to see the patterns of my own accepted and allowed separation into limitation and by form, stagnation into a consequence of an energetic reaction  called value judgements that in space is so small yet made so huge, that an idea of that inform that I have accepted and allowed appears to be real, yet is not?  What am I spelling with this gift of life that is me? 

I mean have a look, Hillary Clinton evidently has Parkinson's dis-EASE,  how was that lack of ease, that lack of being present, created? From what was this limitation and physical stagnation built? As yourself, can you hear the grass growing, are you playing the instrument of you as life, or are you caught in a dream called energy? I would suggest increasing your processing of the spells speed, and self forgive this limitation that is a separation from life. It is stagnant - visible in a fear of change.  Would you want this for yourself, do you want this for this children to come? 

Day 570 Instead of Restricting Speech, Remove Anonymity.

If we decided to legalize drugs then many of the problems associated with the “ war” on drugs would come to an end, and the use of drugs would become more transparent, meaning visible, open, and as such the moving into solving the problems that lead into an excessive use of a  mind altering substance that is really a process of wanting to escape reality, this actual physical world.

If we have a government that is creating laws that inhibit speech, then why not open speech up and make it transparent, meaning if something is written or spoken up about, to require that there be no anonymity? Would this not be the way to hold people accountable, to see what is practically here?

Censoring speech is creating a protection and defense situation where there is an army needed to chase the speech, but if anonymity were no longer allowed, people would be more careful with what they spoke up about, and governments would have to become transparent, and each in their position. Even here, competitors wanting to eliminate threatening products, would have to prove and be open about their complaints. It would seem, as with legalizing drugs, especially with the benefits of lowering crime and creating revenue for towns, to make what is happening with people transparent, removing the fear of punishment and allowing transparency. 

It seems we chose actions that shut things down more than open them up so we can see what we are doing and then begin to find solutions. But we have to not fear opening up what we believe, how we are afraid, and not react to what others may think. Within this, we can realize that development is a process, and mistakes are made, and that this is part of the process of becoming aware. Why do we not see that learning to walk, so to speak, is a process that has moments of falling?

Why don’t we see that we all understand this in how our society is changing,  especially in the internship  situations? I mean, if we have allowed a level of opportunity to cost, after paying for increasingly expensive education that then demands paying for internships to have the opportunity to grow and develop, we can see that we understand development and growth depends on opportunity. So, we are aware within ourselves that in order for a human being to grow , they must have open and direct opportunity to interact, to process, to expand and yet we are allowing money to determine development, when it is development that breeds competency, and as such a human being who is able to walk - so to speak.

So, if we legalize drugs, we open up the dependency and face it, giving space to face it without the fear of facing criminal elements. If we allow the freedom of speech and remove anonymity, we hold people accountable for their actions at every level, in government and in the private sector because what each says they become responsible for, and as such what one may believe in a moment can be corrected which allows everyone to grow and expand. This would allow this world to open up what is closed and hidden and then brought to light, where just as with plants, things begin to expand and grow.

Is it not in facing our fears, our mis-takes, that we open up what we are doing and then enables us to move into more self awareness?  In having opportunity cost money, we are essentially allowing a system that limits opportunity through economics, and then creating laws that punish lack of development that the system format creates. This makes no sense, none, and has no reasoning that can justify it, it simply does not work.

The solution is to legalize drugs, to bring the use of this out in the open so it can be addressed. The solution is to remove anonymity and require that we each put our name to our words, because this is how misunderstandings are turned into understandings. This is how we can give ourselves the opportunity to face our fears, and forgive ourselves for our beliefs that were not what was best for us and as such not what is best for those we enjoy.  A system that realizes opportunity means development, and as it exists at present, costs money, is a system of suppression and punishment, one that punishes a limitation but does nothing to address that limitation, which is like a snake eating its own tail, it does not work and cannot work. I mean this has been going on for a long time, and since the choice is to do more of the same, as in wanting to remove the freedom to speak which is allowing limitation to express its limitation so that the limitation can be addressed and brought into awareness, the system is like, wanting to shut down and hide the very lack it creates, which is not an action of solution in any way. It is an act of rejection of life. It makes no sense because it abdicates its own sense as life, which is the root of the problem. And this is each of us. We are rejecting life, as what we are, as our own capacity, as ourselves as life which is being the sense of the world around us. it is like we are fighting against that which allows us to be. I would say, it is not “ like” it is what we are in essence doing.