Thursday, July 19, 2012

Day 95 Fear of Falling character


The I am Falling Characterize

In the last days I have been aware of an image coming up of myself falling off; buildings, ladders, porches. Which is interesting, because I fell off a ladder about a month ago and must have fractured a rib. If you have ever fractured a rib, it hurts, and for a long time it hurts. And it is difficult to breath.
I looked back at the moment where I fell off the ladder. I was in self pity because I had allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I was having to care for my home all by my lonesome self. I realize at that moment of falling off the ladder, that I was in a storm in and as my mind of myself in full blown inner mind windy self pity, a crying storm. I was not present and suddenly I was flying through the air, that which sustains me which I was ignoring, and landed on the edge of a deck, my ribcage hitting the edge. I knocked the breath out of myself in the absence of myself here.
This image of myself falling, failing, equating being alone as falling/failing. Allowing a belief in what should be, what I am supposed to be according to a system that educates through character development, through story instead of physical self direction. Just think, a child learns to walk, this is physical self direction, but by the time that child dies, it needs a cain to walk, the child becomes three legged, losing the ability to walk. What does this, what takes away the physical ability to learn to walk, before a supposed education? Even before language children learn to walk. Walking is a multi-task ability, involving many perceptive abilities, yet these are lost, are slowly over time taken away. Perhaps it is the non-use of this ability that is what is really taught within our schools, within a system of inequality, of profit, of abuse. A system that takes life, the whole and sends it spinning off the wall, as the wall is the laws, the man made mountains climbed that create the fall of Humpty Dumpty, and all there is to do it to realize self as life and put self back together again, to realize the wall is the illusion, the wall being the character development as mind in separation from what a child is born with a sense of, the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a re-occurring image of myself falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this image of myself falling is an illusion, as it is of the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am failing.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I am physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow this image of myself falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into an inner energetic spin that is a sense of myself as falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear what others might say and think should I fall, not realizing that what might appear to be failing/falling is not.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that if I deviate from the norm of the society within which I live, then I will be looked at, by this minding of this society, as failing/falling.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that what is considered failing/falling is an illusion.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this feeling/movement of myself as falling has an unreality to it, a sensation of being a movie.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this is an idea and not what is real.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see beyond this image of myself falling.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not realize that in a sense there is no place to fall, as there is only here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that walking appears to be very slow and tedious, yet it is not.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow down, to become one and equal with myself here, walking in and as my physical human body, which is how a child must have learned to walk. What fun.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that my vertigo is my separation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a fear of falling, as once when I was a little girl I fell off a horse, the horse took off and I wrapped my self around its neck and lost a red shoe and got in trouble for having lost the red shoe, when no one asked me about how I was from falling off the pinto horse that took off with me on its bare back as a little girl, where I had to be younger than second grade because we moved after first grade and no longer had pinto horses around, thus I was little.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a feeling of being bad for having lost my red shoe that had just been bought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like the drama of being wisked away by a semi-wild pinto horse to be an experience for myself alone, as no one asked about me, and if anything everyone laughed, which was probably comical, yet I remember clinging onto the neck of the galloping horse before I feel in terror of falling, where I eventually did fall, but was not hurt, and where I do not remember going back and looking for the red shoe.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that others should feel pity for me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt humiliated for having been taken over by a horse, which was actually myself allowing myself to be “overtaken” by fear instead of remaining in common sense within the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get side tracked within facing this falling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I am alone I will fall, which is silly, because if I fall, I am falling, thus I am flying through the air all alone anyway.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to be here, one and equal to the physical, to be aware of this physical world, and instead lose traction in and as my physical body in allowing and accepting myself to become separate from what is actually physically here, and thus allow myself to fall.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this sense of falling is like a constant presence.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that perhaps I need to let myself fall- so to speak.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this falling, if I allow this is like a crying, where falling is crying, as a belief in falling inwardly, in and as believing some kind of support will be lost.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been confused that I was not asked about falling off the horse and instead only punished for having lost my red shoe.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that obviously I was Ok as I was standing there ohne one red shoe.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that no one cared because my personal fears and feelings were not being considered which is a state of self pity and belief that emotions and feelings are real, and they are not.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take it personally when my own personal fears and emotions are not being considered, not realizing that wanting emotions and feelings considered is the inconsiderate, and what is real is this physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that perhaps the horse was just having some physical fun, and I was in fear and thus lost an opportunity to just ride like the wind.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that even thought I eventually fell off the horse from hanging under the neck of the horse, the horse did not trample me, thus the horse was more aware than I was.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I am falling.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to become aware of what/where it is that I am falling from.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this sense of falling is myself not wanting to face here, as here is stability and here is life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that should I fall I will lose something.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that when I become the “looking away” character I have this same sense of falling within the moment of looking away.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I will lose something if I remain here, yet what I am losing is my own common sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have seen this same experience in others.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stand when I have this sense of falling when I am facing another person, just as here, when I am alone I have become aware of this sense of falling, and how it is like a storm in a teacup, but I will need more practice in dealing with this image of falling that has been coming up; or, was it there all the time and I just never noticed?

I commit myself to breathing.
I commit myself to remaining in and as breath in every moment here.
I commit myself to always participate with this physical world, in and as breath, to be, as breath, one and equal to this physical world, where I do not end up flying through the air and landing on the ground because I was too busy allowing a character, giving a care to an illusion, as self pity.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here in and as this physical world, where this human physical body enabled myself to learn how to walk, and where a system of inequality takes that ability and profits from adding a third leg, as a cain to my self walking here.
I commit myself to remaining here one and equal to breath, to not allow a system of idea, opinion and belief to determine what is success and what is failure, as the value of a system of inequality is not a representation of life, as life, as this earth, is forgiving and values life, as life is the profit.

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