Day 99
In the last days, within walking towards a change I notice myself feeling sad, like a big wet blanket shrouding myself here. It is the fears and the expectations I have that I have to accept are myself wanting as mind, needing as mind. Like a soaked rag of tantrum in that the world is not responding to the fairy tale of imagery as expectation. Meanwhile non of it matches what is here, and I have lived enough to realize that the fairy tale is only ever a part of the story. Thus, is the dream excluding so much of life, just as there starving are being denied even the slightest experience of life, of self development. I am living an illusion as non awareness of myself as life, like I have the most amazing tool as the human physical body and this world to move and express and instead I turn and choose a dream, imagining myself to within a simplified picture of myself sitting in an “amazing” technological device, when I have this right here, as myself, as a physical human being on a physical planet.
Expectation is looking out and not moving within. I keep getting to this point and I find myself blank, staring, no knowledge and information will serve, there is only moving myself here, like the wet rag is there, but it is not a choice, it is the illusion. And I am afraid of the other.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel tired, to want to sleep: a sleep that is resistance.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I am standing between not wanting to move ( literally and figuratively-as in self honesty) yet the choice of pretending to a care actor is ignorance of what is real and thus not a value to be lived, a complete lie in separation from what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear both rejection and acceptance in and as being self honest, where being self honest is becoming self responsible and thus standing absolutely within what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the uncertain will remain uncertain until able to stand in self honesty, and will be a barrage of the voice of uncertainty and unless I am stable within and as self honesty, I will be moved by this, just as I am moved by the idea of this here, as I write myself out, thus I fear my own self responsibility.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not what i think, and it is not what another thinks, in and as the mind, but with absolute certainty, as the living word, as the directive as what is best for all, the principle of oneness in equality, in and as breath that is what is real and uncertainty is only the separation of self from what is real, self as the sound of what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to expectation, to want a road laid out before myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that road laid out is a map, and thus a desire to know, when life is here aware of itself, where man has placed an idea of unknowing, just as the word suggests, the “know” is here, and the un has been added on, where to not know one must first know, thus is life here and only been rejected in and as a belief that life cannot be understood or known.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that also within unknowing is the act of no longer existing as an no, as the being of myself as negating myself as life, in and as being a memory, an image in and as my mind in separation from life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the physical is the tool to exist as the knowing that is me as myself here, as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that this sense of sadness, as the wet blanket/rag I allow to envelop myself here is myself standing before my mother taking the mice and flushing them down the toilet, where I am asked to ignore what is real, what is here, and accept a fear, accept an idea, accept that this earth is “dirty” is filled with “wrongs” and that should I see mice as life, I will be treated with the action of hysteria, I will be corrected to fit within the values of belief that the natural world is the diseased, when in fact it is the minds of men that is the disease.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the machines of men, built with blinding headlights, stringing paved roads all over this earth on which to impose a blueprint of right and wrong, dirty and clean in and as ideas and beliefs that maintain an energetic grid that sucks this earth dry and depletes the soils of earth that are the life of earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of the energy of the mind.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that it is the roads of men built on the face of this earth where the roadkill and the dirt exists, as it is the dirt when placed on the earth that is the building blocks of life, rendered lifeless and “dirty” when placed on the surfaces built by men.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have sunk in that moment, to have sunk into and as giving up in and as myself, to have felt so powerless and to have had my hopes of surprise and awe of the mice to have not been lived, as I had experienced the opposite of my expectation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not considered the baby mice being baby mconsciousnessice that, in being babies, required the care of their mother.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become a character of hesitation, to be hesitant with others, to feel them out, to avoid a reaction of hysteria.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have also become the opposite , where at time I would say things to shock people, just to create the same shock I had experienced, and thus become spiteful of my own accepted and allowed behavior and wanting others to be the same, as though it made my own behavior seem justifiable because everyone else did this as well.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse nature, the earth.
I commit myself to realizing my own wet blanket created to absorb the crying of myself in fear.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that this blanket absorbing my tears, is myself absorbing my fear and carrying this as myself here, hiding in the face of beliefs, opinions and ideas that have created the nature of a species known as man, as the object on this earth in separation of life.
I commit myself to realizing that one action in and as my past does not define myself here.
I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, to not define myself within idea, opinion and belief, to not become the character within a play of morality taught by and as and of the confines of a system of borders competing for survival on an earth that gives plenty.
I commit myself to realizing all belief , opinion and idea bordered within survival are divisions from what is actually a land of plenty as this earth, an illusion accepted and allowed by a mind developed as the image and likeness of fear of self responsibility as self honesty as self as life, here.
I commit myself to realizing that the pavement of men, cannot exist without the earth.
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