The Starting point is the ending point, morality and the holographic of memory Day 735

The starting point is the ending point, morality and Facing holographics of memory.

I notice that at times, processing what I have accepted and allowed as a math, as a measure as a form, memorized within and as who and what I have accepted myself to allow myself to be, as a projection of values, some call morality, ahead of myself through my head, a bubble shrouding a natural ability to sense here, this reality, moves like a molasses in processing this ghost in the machine of myself as a hued-man, is focus in separation from the gift of life, here, this earth. It can so easily move into knowledge and information. Yet this is where I am as I process m¥ own separation and breath myself back into being present in the physical. It is interesting, because a greater pattern recognition comes forward, and yet, I am still not present, because this has not been lived, for eons, thus I cannot assume I am done. In so many ways, it is a process that is never done, as it is learning to be self forgiving, in every moment, moving into recognition of myself as all that is around me as the physical. 

I have not reconciled facing the storm of separation, around me, as others,  and yet, a rejection of this reality is always a self hate. It is a rejecting of what is resisted, and since life is always here, that resistance will persist until what is rejected, through projection, as unresolved acceptance, is the very substance of life, giving itself as how life works, ever present and never ending. Life is eternal, that which is eternal.

I must realize that in standing up, what will happen, as our present system, will be the voice of separation. That voice is a morality in separation from practical common sense. I somehow want this to magically go away, yet this reveals a resistance within myself. I am not embracing what is here, thus I am that of which I speak, in a state of morality in separation from life. My starting point is still hued with fear, when I as life am capable of processing the math, the divide, of closing the gap, and creating a current of life moving between the banks of belief, opinion and idea. 

The separation is only an apparition, and no apparition can define who and what I am unless I accept and allow it. For example, if I point out hurt and damage, instead of solution, as there are no problems and only solutions, I am focused on the lack and not equal to it, as being equal to something is not only seeing he limitation, but also realizing the movement, as words, as sequences of steps, that lead to a balance. That balance creates an open window into the ineffable grace and gentleness of sounding what imparts a willingness to take the reigns of being a self willed equal with all things. Here, I even notice myself becoming knowledge and information. 

I cannot fear facing separation into a morality, As this morality is simply a form, a simulation of measure, of belief. It is one of those things that once it is understood in practice, or enough to be a consistent practice, a realization with hindsight, will be a state of ‘ Why did I not see this?” And then the shame, and the realization of the damage one allowed within allowing a morality of self interest without consideration of all things.

I am avoiding facing the storm, taking back my joy, as a sense that I am not allowed to be joyful. I am not allowed to play. I am supposed to work on the false technology of playing god so evident in what is a commerce of informed consent that offer products that by design suppress a natural sense of space and time, of and as who and what I am as life, here.

Yet, with practice, a little every day, what accumulates if a greater sense of walking mis-information and a mis-use of the imagination back into respecting this physical reality all around me. Those subtle and ineffable tiny movements, that appear to not have any significant difference, build, just as they do within a mis-use of who and what I am, the reverse is also the same. Thus, I am in a process of reversing a false positive, a limited morality that cannot materialize because it has not real sustainability in what supports and considers all things- and that is always here, as it is the real platform of life, the physical. It tells its story, sings it, as a math, as a song, all around me, I need only listen, and even this through a static that is really loud in some moments when I am calm and quiet. So, I walk back into being present, facing the storm, crying when I really want to express joy, because somehow I have turned joy into a suppression within myself, as though this is not allowed- even when right in front of me, a moment of not hating, of not resisting, of accepting separation as well as solution, is something I am capable of, and deserving of, because I am life. 

The simplicity of the smallest of movements, that how such tiny movements of self correction into self forgiveness, are the beads of joy that can create a river, if I can forgive the shame for not having realized such a thing. The practice, of self correcting, with the very smallest of things, as words, to focus myself outside of my accepted and allowed holographic-ed morality, to rebuild, realizing the living value of each measure as each word, can be tiny movements of joy, of re-scripting the very sound of and as me, that I can in what is seemingly of no significance, rebuild an equality to life, instead of an elephant in the room that can lead to a death of a life never really lived, such as hanging from a rope in an attic, leaving the most precious of things behind as a child of life, a breath of life, within and without. The false morality, filled with the pain of hate, suppressing a natural gentleness within, that morality consuming the presence of life in that person, there is no way this can continue, none.  It is realizing that a court uses verbs to create a fiction, an area of no go zone because it is a box of a false use of imagination, instead of focusing on the consequence of such forms. It is to take that which is good to show because pointing out the lack is another form of fear tactics which is wanting control more than building self willed equals. It is showing how ego can take a good and create a circus show, all eyes on the display of magic instead of following through and using what is discovered to suppress for the benefit of all things.  It is like a librarian holding onto a library, and wanting to control the information of separation, when that in itself must be forgiven, as the real library is the physical world all around us, the greatest technology, as it is the technology of life. it is to focus on what is good and does no harm, to have faith in this.  Such an act of pointing out the limitation would be the suppression of one’s joy within, that suppression causing a lot of pain. 

I suppress myself when I fear facing the false morality around me. The storm must be faced, and it needs be feared. 

The way out , as I see it in this moment, is to follow the joy within, to remind of the medicine taken in small tiny doses, as realizing the joy of self correction in grounding words back into a living word that recognizes the physical world with every movement, to script one’s self back into life, back into the real starting point as being a living presence, with full spatial skill, here. That would mean that life would increase in value, and awareness though out life. That would mean there would not be death, only the transformation into life, here.

Learning step by step to redress a limited morality Day 733

This week I had conversation with people in very different positions in this world. I have learned to become quiet and listen with greater ease. Meaning instead of reacting I listen, to hear the forms, to see the ‘ numbers’ placed before me, as the measure of the information.  

I have two memories coming up recently. One recent and one from my childhood.  

The first is while I am working in a  school. There is a boy in the room, it is a remediation , or invention class. This boy is behind in his ability to read and process information. The teacher comes and asks the boy why he signed up for a class that he knows he can only take once- as the boy has already had this class. The boy then moves this into a conversation as to why he can only take the class once. The teacher responding. After the boy leaves, this teacher gets on the phone and goes through the whole conversation again with a colleague.  I watch all of this, somehow it is a time frame of busyness that is a comfort zone, a distraction. The boy, so isolated from his peer group, grasps as moments of verbal interaction, to have something to live. He knows he cannot repeat that special class that is popular. The teacher joining in the topic to engage the child, and using the topic to fill the space and entertain, because real problem solving as processing information is not happening and it is the problem.  Ironic that the mechanics used are the thing needing greater definition, greater self reflection within what one lives in real space as what one expresses, as a math that has no real direct seeing movement. It is like an elongated song, a math, imposed on being grounded in this reality.  It is like a bubble of drama, or draw-me, imposed on the space that is a self seeking connection yet the connection is a false positive, as engagement is a fundamental drive. Yet this drama, done with words and values, is sidestepping a real awesomeness of being present in all that is here, as the physical.  It is, by default, a comfort zone melody/math/soap opera filled with good intentions, yet missing the mark, not seeing itself as a separation from the capacity of itself to see the distraction it is by the very nature of a lack of presence in real space. 

This also happened with talking to a friend. This person has had one of the best educations our country provides. She has attended the best schools.  We were talking about history, when she made a statement that I have heard and could see the accepted logic of in relation to ideas about changes in time away from what is considered being spiritual. It was a statement that science caused a loss of spirituality. When this statement was made, I countered it by saying that this could be said of any change as recorded and voiced by our system. This naturally caused a lot of friction and I had to stop, listen and allow the rant of defensive for platitudes to play itself out.  I checked myself even when it was said that I had to be righteous at the end of the response my words elicited. I even agreed that I had been righteous, and that what was said was a standard  formula that was stated. Naturally this brought on more reaction. Yet, as she spoke, to some extent, she travelled through time and realize the pattern, that it could be said that there were other periods where the same argument was made that a subsequent period created a loss of something. Overall, this was a play out of knowledge and information memorized, a standard hi/high- story ( a supposed morality) of information constantly circumnavigating practical and grounded application in real space and time, in common sense of what and who we are as physical beings here.  

Even to see this, and not be as reactive towards these songs, these maths, these measure of information, took some time. Standing up to the very morality of this, meaning to speak up counter to it, even if that meant calling out patterns, knowing this would elicit reactions, I allowed to cause a lot of fear. This fear manifested as myself feeling like I was losing something. Physically I would become, just like the feeling of fear, loopy and ungrounded, like I was in a soup, losing ground.  I feared that I was going to be cast out, rejected, because I did not know, as agree with the formula, the accepted formula. Meanwhile, when this did happen, I was always here, it was only an idea within me, the loopyness myself, in a way, liquifying everything I believed as spoke as allowed, moving into a spin, a deconstruction of the information as me. I would acquiesce to not lose the relationship, for various reasons that were more of idea than anything real. What is interesting is that when I was more simple and more practical, and relaxed, as in caring but not that much, the drama stopped.  In this situation, I could see the remnants of my own fear playing out, and within the rant of justification for a standard belief, a process of self discovery as the math, as the equation of events made belief were made verbal. As the realization of a pattern via justifying the standard pattern was seen, there was an immediate movement into value judgements , this some call hyperbole.  It is that formulaic design I have seen in those blogs written by trolls, where a truth is stated and then moves into the fear tactics of value judgement, a kind of mendacious gossip that is the pulling forward of a value judgement and then suggesting worst case sceanrios. It all can appear to move like a horror show as it triggers any fears within one, and keeps one riding in an illusion that is held in place by a lack of processing what is allowed as informed that has no real relationship to practical reality. For me, moving through a morality of and as an idea that pushing against this in any way, was taboo, was mean, meant a certain rejection by the establishment. Somehow, the opposite is true, which I have found when being patient, allowing the scream of limited information to play itself out, to move into discovery or the formulaic play-out of trolling, as name calling being a distraction from that moment of realizing a pattern that would mean re-evaluating everything one had defined one's self as. 

This sense of feeling like a liquid inside myself, triggering the second memory, I am in elementary school, and suddenly the wods around me are changing, and they change from some value form, I don't remember, to the point I remember, as being this liquid thing that falls apart and reforms. In the memory, I do not react with the sense of losing ground that I have experienced as an adult. I suppose because as a child, I was still grounded in the physical to a greater degree than I have allowed myself to be as an adult. 

Interesting that I am writing this, because I have asked myself in this process where that point of separation from being focused in common sense, happens. This because I have asked question about being in a situation where I, be it imagination or a micro second in seeing through a veil, managed to see a different world perspective than what I was lost in as that information I spun in that changed in a moment for which it appeared to me that I had no control over. I wanted to see the sequences of change from one to the other. The leaps of  change happening too fast for me to process.  I suppose some tiny part of me understood that I am in a smoke and mirrors show, the ghost of which terrified me, and lead to asking the question " Where is life? It must be here, it has to be here, where is it?" 

As I learn to assess in living space what is happening around me, and I begin to realize a false morality in practice, I move into shame, and a sense of impossibility at clearing all of this up. there is a point of wanting to cry that circles around as I move through the sequences of my own experience, of my own experiences from my life. I would say the hardest from within my relationship to all of this at this point, is no longer fearing to move through an acepted and limited morality.  That being to face and address the standard line of information. This being a justification, that a method of operation, that is formulaic. Ironically, this a means that lead to a greater seeing or realizing of these patterns was through slowing down and processing the information, not fearing to lose something, as having a faith that somehow life is here, all around me, as it has to be, because life will. I would pick myself up, like a slow moving Sherman tank and try again, despite so many around me coming in with counter rationals, myself having a character that wants to cry out in hopelessness, that being a memoory from childhood, a memory of giving up in some way, as yet not clearly defined. Somehow, that is okay that it is not, because the means to this point is to keep going until the mote in every eye is clear, and what is eternal is realized. Somehow, mixed in with the fear, is a tiny sense of joy. And with that joy, is so muchshame, a realization of so much lost, I just want to cry out that I am sorry, so very sorry for not having lived the potential inherent in what men on earth can be. 

This was a loss of what I left behind, as a gentleness that had a natural patience, which I lost in my life as well in a person, something that can never come back. No one can tell me that it is not my fault, when yes it is the default of not being focused and in respect of what is all around us, and that is life, manifest as the physical.  What I project as a loss in another, is what I lost as me. The means to be this, the same patience and silence that allows a morality to play itself out, and the action of not reacting to the formula of a troll, that truth coupled with inflamatory value judgements using a false narrative with a energized voice that has only the power I give to it. My own process of choosing fear and believing the self created and accepted entity of ideas wihtin me, to seem more real than the practical.  In all I can embrace the unnatural, because it is a game of shadows and stand within what remains no matter what, that I am here, I am the same after the emotional picture show peaks and moves either into realization and/or protection and defense. That defense needing no push back and only patience, because that reaction allows me to realize my own reflection as idea, of what I have allowed. It is a gift. 

In this, overall, I can stop chasing shadows as what resistance is by name, as information, a story imposed through words -as knowledge and information - and remember who and what I am, that nothing can define me, and that I can learn the smallest of movements, to stand equal to that gentleness that is the will of me as life, here.  I can be myself,  I can gift myself life, I can recognize the paranoia of the paranormal, as the promise I made to myself that I had to become myself, to ensure that the loss of what is precious, never happens again.  Somehow, this state of being on some border, as I see it, is both a mixture of shame and joy.  There is only one choice here.

This reminds me of the slow death of my father. His body having all the characteristic tics and tensions, that slowly faded. His body became still. The energies appearing to no longer have license over the body. The body taking a couple of breaths even when he was gone. His request that he be buried next to his sisters, a telling story - as that time with his sisters, was probably the last time he remembers being really happy/grounded, just as my memory as a child.  This choice being the choice where he remembers some semblance of himself, so far back in the past. The presence of him, being more of a child, gentle and simple. How could that be?  For me, the loss of that gentleness is unacceptable.  The wall of the mind,as a false positive, a charade of separation from what is real, must be called out by name, and allowed to see itself for what it is, a personality unequal to the real potential of self to be what is natural as the inherent will of life within and as who and what we are here on this physical planet, where all plans as forms of information are visiable, even those causing separation if we simply slow down and do what we can all do so well, which is to do the math, to see the forms,  to know we can stand stable in ourselves and choose a practice of respecting the physical world around us to realize what does no harm. 

Remember to breath. 

Processing information and a false morality. Day 731

I begin to realize how slow I am within processing information. It is that I process information within my imagination, or my mind, abdicating myself from what is more natural, which is to see directly here.

Bumping up against the dogma that is what such a means of directing self is and does as a mis-use of the imagination. The reactions are more about myself, processing the disconnect, listening for what is a truth, and being empathetic, to give directions I would want for myself. This also involves realizing that I am the same as what is here, as all this physical world around me.

In a way, that is real power, to move what is stagnant and empty into becoming a river filled with life, with creation, with being engaged and present.

I must remind myself that thinking about playing an instrument is not playing the instrument. Playing the instrument means understanding the starting point, the smallest movements, the mechanics, and then practicing them which does not need as much time as one might think given the present systemic design of divide and conquer through beliefs, opinions and ideas without practical application. IN a way, words represent thinking and thinking is not one’s self being present. After all, I do not think when I play an instrument, I am with that tool- it demands focus more than thinking. The real divine, is being present, equal and one to the physical, which means, in this moment, for me, to value being physical, being here, sensing the physical, learning to process the information of and as it.

We have a system that wants to take an orange, for example, divide all the nutrients and sell them in parts, to manage our health, which is really us abdicating our own self responsibility to sense ourselves, of which the physical is us. We have schools that place us in boxes for 13 years, or more, and micro-manage what we think and how we think. All of this sounds good, as structure is necessary ( what is the physical?) yet it is suppressing the use of all of what we are, as we are sentient beings, here. Learning how things work in a paper context enables the control of information. That information can be divided and limited, a lie-by-omission, and it can be filled with bias ( the red flag being a formula of inflammatory language coupled to truths), because imagination and real doing are two different things. As I said, one cannot learn to play an instrument, or do a sport, thinking about it. Reading information is important, as it is how we can read about what is happening in places we physically have no presence in. Words are important because we humans use them to communicate. Reading words and speaking words are the same thing, what we sound we create, we place as measurable tools within ourselves. If what we accept, because we accept it when we follow its authority without cross reference, we place information without our physical bodies that is not directing us effectively, and does not fit into our bodies. We lose flow, our bodies age, instead of moving with grace and connection with the physical world. We lose an ability to process information that brings us into an understanding of really knowing something because we are ultimately happy when we are effectively engaged. We would only fear this if a change into such responsibility appears to be too much, such perspective revealing a state of a lack of ability to process the information of this physical reality. This would mean that we need more information, or have the space to see the steps back to ourselves as this, and realize that it is in deed, a gentle unfolding back into what we really seek, which is ourselves. IN the need, we would gladly, and respectfully, give the digits of our labor to this. It would be a way of giving thanks. 

If we go and look at a test that was given to students in the middle of the last century, probably  none of us could process the information on the test. This is how great the loss of ability, and self responsibility is within us. We have the compounding problems to mirror this effect in our children, as all the attention deficit disorders. The consequence of self abdication of self responsibility is all around us. It is there when we are sold the products in the supermarkets, that are over processed, losing nutrients, to the point where that same seller/chain has an isle filled with vitamins and supplementary products. Divide into many parts, to sell, for profit. This mirrors what we have accepted within ourselves, as it is really an abdication of our real power to be responsible. It is time to focus, here, in this physical creation that is life. The way is all around us. It is like a parent that wants what is best for all life.

The labor we do every day, being reimbursed through money, that we then define who and what we are through what we allow to be sold to us reflects our awareness, or the use of our ability to be aware. When we turn on the television, we are purchasing information, when we walk into a huge chain supermarket, we are being sold, through buying what is offered in this market. When we face new information, at a job, as a new way of doing something, we can blame nothing and no-one for a loss of our processing speed of information, because we paid for the public schools with the monetized digits of our labor through our real estate taxes, we bought what was sold and it has become our souls. We are souls who have accepted and allowed a system that simply reflects the abdication of a natural ability to process information as the physical- that world that we move in and get things done in. We have allowed a chain to exist as an authority, not realizing in accepting that, we have enslaved ourselves into a self accepted suppression of and as who we are as life. This must come to an end, and we can become responsible and be happy. 

Human beings are happy when they know something enough to do it, to stand and accomplish goals and simply get things done. In our homes we can learn how to care for that home, understanding what maintains the things from nature we use to build a house. When given the opportunity to do so, we are quite capable. The opportunity to do, to communicate with what is here, and with others, is fun. When we resist, as abdicate responsibility we suppress who and what we are, and sharing where we are in our understanding- realizing it is okay to do so because this is how we learn/correct-, which is in our connection to seeing reality directly here. 

Lately, I have looked at the point of having to say what I am. On one hand, because of the system of abdication of one’s ability to be sentient,  I have to use my systemic credentials to have some effect. Yet, having to say what I am, and what my systemic experiences are, is selling myself, instead of living what is best. This means, to speak in clarity and author what lends self direction here, in this reality. This behavior is living and being what is best for all, giving/being as I would want for another. Just as I look for potential, for what gives an awareness that is focused, engaged and potent with this physical life recognition within myself, so must I for any and all things around me. Realizing what is best for me, is what is best for all. 

lol, I realize, to some degree, I may have some morality around this point of ‘ not having to say what I am.”  It is a twisted form of indignation. Meaning, something like ‘ can’t you see my polish, my breeding!”  ( The nasty things coming from what I have accepted and allowed as belief, to survive in this system that is of and as such, and as a consequence, and within the law of compounding, a distraction from reality and a voice of self interest- this can only lead to isolation and a busyness in dogma that is not a state of being happy, real happiness!)

I have the capacity to be as water, to support this physical world, as be so clear that I can, instead of creating hyperbole to thwart and control- such as having to tell others what I am- I can ground myself and stand here, a self willed equal, as the value is realizing that taking self responsibility happens from within, and that means making mis-takes which need not define who I am, and as a process define my words into real relationships with physical living, to increase my ability to process what is here, and know what separates me from what and who I really am. I am physical. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as a superior morality, believing that I am more polished that another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as some dark moral entity, as a belief, as words composing a thought, polarizing values, and distorting reality in and as a state of mind, as imagination without regard and respect to and towards who and what I am as a physical being, here. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as a nasty, spiteful, verbally attacking beingness, not seeing realizing and understanding that this is myself in a petrified state of fear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this back chat that I have accepted and allowed is not what is best for me, or myself being a self willed equal to and towards life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to divide myself from the divine of and as the physical as life, within and as accepting and allowing judgements, comparisons, imaginations, as this is a memory of illusion , based on a past of and as separation from who and what I am as life, as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear a morality, within myself, as what I have allowed to define who and what I am, as false positives that have no promise into what would bring happiness, as a happiness that can withstand the test of time, this happiness being defined as being grounded and potent, here, being sentient as what and who I am as a sentient beingness , being thankful for the physical creation as life manifested.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to miss the subtle morality I have practiced and embedded, as embraced as a bed of and as who and what I am as a self definition, that lacks equality and oneness with and as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to chase a carrot on a string within and as an idea as a moral of and as the nasty words ‘ don’t you see my polish’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the movement of silent indignation within and as allowing such a thought as ‘ don’t you see my polish’ something practiced as protection and defense in survival, to the point where I had to slow way down, and deconstruct my own movements as energy within and as my memory, my imagination, the accumulation of ideas, as information, to define me, and for this self abdication of myself as life, as that part of me that can in capacity consider all things as this is what is natural as the potential of myself as life, here. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how the use of such words as a thought, become silent and barely readable within, as ‘ don’t you see my polish’ and have come to be my own acceptances that suppress myself as life, and , as an act of comparison instead of problem solving, isolate me from what would lend happiness as the real nature of who and what I am as life here. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from what is tangible, and potent, and real, as the physical here.

When and as I find myself moving into back chat, as nasty words of protection and defense in and as my mind based on a morality unequal to life, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, as I see realize and understand the real joy of being, as sentient being, that must physical be,  to enjoy being present here, as self willed, self willingness nature, like water, to accept all things and to take that which is good and does no harm, and to practice this, to restore what is natural, as myself as a physical being, to process the information that is here, as the physical to direct myself in ways that enjoy who and what I am for real.

   

When and as I find myself fearing to face my own morality, as false positive that has proven to have no real sustaining promise, I stop and I breath, and I forgive myself to inform myself equal and one to what is here, as the physical, and to process what is happening on this world, to remember myself to more than what is in my immediate environment, to practice processing information as an act of respect for all things, here.

When and as I find myself reverberating back chat that is nasty and dark I stop and I breath, and I see, realize and understand my own accepted and allowed morality, based on survival, and I stop, I breath, I slow down and ground myself,  and I practice using common sense, as who and what I am capable of as a sentient being, to understand here, and stand as what is practically best for all, speaking as measuring, as stating in words, to build thoughts that move as deeds to and towards a knowingness that stands in lasting joy and happiness to share a process in action, that realizes the value of creating in tandem with who and what I am, the physical, and to within this realize that what is here is me, and what is here as all men, is the means to the end, as it has always been, as many working together to build heaven on earth. 

A mis-use of pride- something to sort out! Day 729

One thing I notice within myself, in terms of processing my own storied information, biased and based on not having enough information, and/or not listening and looking at the practical, as myself as a living being that is physical, is how much I resisted problem solving. Meaning, the lack of looking and listening, as a consequence by default of justifying not having taken the time to sort things out, as to really know the ‘ score’ of practical reality. This in itself is like an entity of self pity within- a thing that can accumulate in the back of a person.

I have a memory, of myself, walking down a New York city street, as a teenager, and wondering what was in the back’s of people. At this time in my life, I was beginning to see the realities of this world, especially from being exposed to the modeling industry as I had sisters involved in this industry. I was watching my peers move towards their ideas of entering this world too. I could cite many examples; seeing my friends moving from one group to another, changing their dress codes etc. all to fit into an idea of what it meant to ‘ grow up’ and leave something that was unique within them behind. Such a change is stark when it involves moving into playing the modeling game.

Another area was music. I would perform on the street for a teenage discretionary income. It was much more lucrative then working a minimum wage job. One winter, I worked at the huge Macy’s department store on 34th street. I encountered fathers bringing in their children, asking them to put on one of the coats and to then walk out. The child crying when the coat was taken, the father inflated and little, conflicted in getting caught, not getting his daughter the coat, and she being a witness to this.  I encountered the boss, verbally reprimanding me when her boyfriend would come in at the end of the shift and spend all his time talking to the teenage girl- the new and younger woman on the floor ( which was me). In this I was trapped, there was no where to go. I even realized that I was moved at the whim of the boss, to be placed in the most demanding situations. When it was slow, I was on the floor, cleaning up the children’s cloths on the down time, when it was busy, I was on the register. I suppose I would do the same thing, were I the boss, because it allows the boss to watch over the operations of the whole- yet at the time, I thought I was being punished! lol

In terms of street performing, it had its dangers, yet they were manageable, it was more a taboo, seemingly too loose and independent for my friends as we grew older. That minimum wage job, an entry level job, was more safe. Even on a bad day on the street, for a couple of hours, the wages were better than two hours in a store.

I remember one time, taking some of my mother’s paintings to a street fair. I sold two of them. Two out of three is not bad. It was a risk. I remember feeling like I was doing something under the societal rules, yet could not see NOT doing it at the same time.

Two things are coming up within me in relation to these memories coming up. One is how much my own limitations, in terms of what structures I should move  as within my society to get things done, and how limiting such ideas about such things are, based on real experience. That thing, in the backs of the people that I sensed in the midst of other activities in my life, during childhood, as in a sense, myself seeing what was happening around me, as limited ideologies of should’s and should not’s compounding as a moral imagery within people, walking as personifications of such, creating firewalls of belief within them. A heavyness that lacks movement and settles within, separating awareness from real living movement, as those practical things one can do that are always here. It is only belief and a fear of things that limits.

In so many ways, people really do want to help other people. People also can become intensely jealous of others. I define jealousy as feeling lousy, because that person, for example, is performing out there on the street and they ( the jealous) are not. It is a kind of reflective exposure to one’s own lack. Some rejoice and enjoy, others draw back in shame. The resisting states of being, a fear of facing reality, the practical, the simple steps necessary to get things done. 

At the moment, I have a friend I met as an adult, with whom I had a ‘ falling out’ come back into my life. They are interested in something I am doing. They have run a large business and done extremely well, affording them freedom that most of us only wish for. They have had the best education many only dream of. Within all of this, I am meeting intense reactions within what I am doing,  that they have become interested in. There are times, I just watch, slow down and listen to a tirade- of which I feel I am not allowed to possess. Time frames in regard to such reactions, I have learned do not exist. My moments though small, are huge, yet within a math, this would be the outcome. The only math is their math- their belief system of what is proper. Some of it worth assessing, carefully, to clear things up. And just as we practice new formulas, to incorporate them to the point of using them without thinking about them, applying them directly, in a moment, such things take time. It is much like we have been told; walking through a valley of good’s and bad’s, biases created from learning things in a context away from practical realty- that place/space where we live and see and interact  directly, employing all of our senses- this being a more natural and fast way to learn. Memorizing things in separation from here, is slow, and a means of control. When we can start to realize this, we can change this world in probably less than a decade. That is how well we as human beings can absorb information, this inFORM being the physical reality around us.

I was told at some point to use my past, and I have not done this as much as I could. Using my past, has a point of shame for me, because I have learned that pride is a false promise. It was at a point where I had enough experience to realize that pride in itself, was a false promise ( forgetting that the means to the end is the joy). This point a moment where I made the choice to not take something as a point of gain, in terms of being more than another, as defining myself as that, I chose to forgo the bling of a trophy of more, and instead realize that the magic was in the doing, in living the means, where the goal was important as more a completion of developing understanding.  As a dveelopment of understanding sustained and self emwpoered one’s focus and thus, capacity here. That understanding one’s greatest asset- the gift that keeps on giving, and therefor benefitting everyone. 

Now that I am older, or have spent a greater number of years as a physical beingness on a physical planet. I notice how so many of my friends, and people near the same age as myself, are losing spatial skills to greater and greater degrees. This is that thing in the back, taking over. This is that limiting set of beliefs, informing the machine. This is those beliefs of ‘ more’ that limit practical actions. This is the mind con-sciousness within all of us, as an abdication of reality. one can sense this, in the loss of spatial ability. This is a loss of focus to what is real, the physical. It is a self that cannot move through the  eye-of-the-needle.  This is self in separation from self, and instead a construct of ideas, beliefs and opinions, an inner math of bias, moving as waves of energy through one, so consuming, one forgets to breath. It is visible. If a high school student can sense this, it is visible, it is knowable, and with refocus, it can be deconstructed and changed.  THis is what it means to ebcome a master of self. No one can do this for self, but self.

I notice this in my friend. They are losing skills they had. And yet, they understand on some level that something is out of whack.

What I notice about myself, is a fear of facing a limited morality, of doing the math, despite having practiced this, and moving with greater ease in relation to calling things out by name, by measure, and standing within that. It remains with a color of losing something, even though within focusing in reality, as the practical, and understanding what a more perfect practice builds, as a more direct seeing that has a quality of something powerful and eternal, I still feel that I am cycling within something. 

At the moment, the answer that I have for myself, is that building community is spreading awareness, and that practical tools to balance out that heavy thing in the backs of men, are here. If this were easy, and I looked for quick fixes, I would, in essence, never learn to play this instrument of life, that is me here. The means is the end. To face the storm, alone, means to do the math, to leave this earth, without leaving, as in, to stand within equality and oneness with what is best for all.  That is priceless, and it is a joy too, within the present system, give thanks in directing one’s labor to and towards what enables one to become clear within, to no longer fear ‘ doing things on-the-streets/ within-the-river-banks’ of life, called earth. The momentum has to be built and lived, moving the storms and rip-currents of belief into seeing, realizing and understanding that the physical is the means to the end as life, and that the value is being here, creating. I can, take the inflammation of bias, and ground it into the physical text of real living, where what is natural, as spatial skills, are grounded in reality, never to be lost and instead to improve with the number of years one has on this earth. A master of something showed me how great the gentle is and does, as it is this part of self, that, like water, can sense the smallest of things. Those smallest-of-things are the means to ensure that there is no accumulation of heavyness in the backs of men. 

Day 643 The Word ' Practice" What I am doing when I skim a word!

I was reading this passage, and I noticed that I had skimmed the word ‘ practice.’ I went back and re-read the sentence and it was as though I could see a film over this word, like a glitch because in all reality, in all common sense, that word on that page, is the word ‘practice.’ A word on a page, cannot project some imagery! It had to come from me. I was the source of my ‘ ignoring’ into some fuzzy logic. I was the one who had the capacity to imagine. I was the one with a memory, not that piece of paper, unless there is some great conspiracy behind pieces of paper, and somehow the government has buried some techno-logical device in that piece of paper and it can project some smoky mirror show! Don’t think so, it would cost too much. lol Our taxes would be even higher than they already are! I digress. Excuse me.

Here, I write out what was within and as that ‘ film ‘ of my own acceptance and allowance, as my memory, clouding my perception of a simply measure, as that word ‘ practice.’

I have spent hours practicing an instrument. At times, when forced, this became a tedious thing for me to do. It also had a pressure, because I had to learn this or that within a specific amount of time, and I focused on the amount of time, becoming a definition in those moments of ‘ having a specific amount of time instead of being practical and living here, using the space and the time to simply focus on what i was directly doing in that moment. And, because I am so absorbent and have memory, I become what I allow as the very inner ‘ reaction’/acceptance/state-of-being ‘ in that moment; it stays with me because it is an experience that my sub-conscious re-members as me. Such experiences as judgement, remain with me until I clear them up, correct them until they are clear.

Thus, within practice, as in practicing, I began to realize that if I practiced a certain way, with a value judgement from the day before, that ‘ tenor’ as that quality, as that state of being, remained and was there the next day I practiced. I had to see this, let it go, when I had a performance, for example, and move through this. I even, at times, had to practice something more than it took to learn this in the first place, when I had rushed, or practiced with some kind of attitude, because i had to remove that ‘ attitude’ which was a judgement brought in as a value I imposed on what I was doing, until that ‘ attitude’ was removed. I created more work for myself than was necessary. And, this can happen from many angles about many things. We are all doing this when we have any measure of spite and blame, justification, resistance, to and towards anything that we do in life. Thus, we can see how such can accumulate within us, to the extent that we have children who have such chaotic sub-conscious mind ‘ measure’ that they are having a very very difficult time functioning in our reality, our physical reality. The good news is that this can be cleaned up, resorted, deconstructed and reconstructed. The tools are here, they are self forgiveness, writing it all out, and sell corrective application. This is what I am doing here, within this word practice.

Back to this word ‘practice.’

I notice that when I have to do physical ordinary steps/things/tasks that I become heavy as though these things are tedious, or ‘ too much’ - which is a judgement because a cup is a cup and that cup was made of clay from somewhere in the world, resourced by hands or machines, or a combination of both, placed in/on some transportation vehicle, moved to some processing system, then molded, baked, polished, boxed, transported, sold, taken home, and then used- and so on until it returned back into particles. All of this a practical action where the physical piece was how it was, and that defined it in the moments. Value judgements cannot change this, they are ideas, beliefs, and opinions, that are a meta-physical construction. Value judgements are a mind consciousness construction, they are not real. Yes, one could point out a value about something, this is calling something by its name because men use language to communicate. Other than this, having a memory, that makes one thing more than another is being within a value judgement, when a value is brought forward that has no practical measure.

For instance, if one values a Victorian style cup because one was surrounded by this in one’s youth and found comfort in that style, and/or related that to the moral measure of one’s upbringing, to the point where when one walks into a home of same object value tied to a morality, and then deems that person to have ‘ value’ one is essentially living as a mind consciousness and not in common sense of reality. This state-of-being is an imposed imagery in separation from reality, and it becomes a carrot on a string as one’s value system projecting a lesser directive that is in separation from physical living. It is an ignorance, one that is done in self interest, because this ‘ television’ - which is what it is- is so occupying and happens over time and is supported by immediate family/friends/associates that one, through habit, misses reality, because that inner reality is believed to be real. To live, one must be here, in common sense of what we are, which is physical states-of-being. Simple really. The complication comes from a metaphysical imposition as a mind consciousness on reality.

When I missed the word ‘ practice’ I experienced my own mental construction of values being placed on reality. I created it through accepting and allowing this mental metaphysical moralistic projection, I am a ghost create, and that ghost has no real substance, it is a burden I accept and allow.

Within this word, I notice that I believe that practice is tiresome/burdensome/ tedious, because I am rushing in my mind as an idea. In this I think/emote that practice takes too much time and I have other things to do.  I cause my own demise! I notice that in doing other physical things, that I find them tedious. I look too much towards the end, and do not enjoy and sense the means to the end. I then lose care, and do not give what I do in a moment due diligence. All of these judgements accumulate and become an mind construction within and as me, as my thoughts, and these come to direct me, to stifle my own natural ability as a physical man in a physical world to perform with ease and with efficacy. Ironically, if one takes the time to investigate, our present structural world system is a reflection of what each does within, that has accumulated over time.

I write out self forgiveness to remove my separation from being practical, so that the practice of myself here as a physical being is equal and one to life, this life, a physical life.

I also notice a fear of loss, that if I do not get something done fast enough, as an idea, then  will lose something. The irony here is that when I have practiced in a focused and ‘ at ease’ way, I get what I am doing done much much faster. Thus , the means is always right here in front of me. lol

This understanding makes it very easy forgive others, and to become self directive in a practical application. So, self forgiveness is not difficult when one begins to understand the benefits of being present without judgement, and how creative we each are, and how great our ability to be critical in constructive ways is our real natural state of being. It is to say, there is no ‘ wrong’ there is only directives that self-empower one to be self responsible, leading to self trust, self honesty, and self confidence. The veil is thin, and reality is right here in front of us. And yes, because this has been allowed by each human to exist, it is going to take time to correct. Each must forgive the hue as a mind consciousness and realize that the greatest hue is life, and life is right here in front of us, we need only accept it and allow ourselves to be who we really are; men.

I write self-forgiveness to clean up my acceptances and allowances around the word ‘ practice.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to skim the word ‘ practice.’

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow down and, within realizing that I have accepted and allowed a morality of limited values ( as not all are ‘ bad’) to separate me from being practical here, within and as reading the word ‘ practice.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect the word ‘ practice’ to tediousness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define the word ‘ practice’ within tediousness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from the word ‘ practice’ and from tediousness through defining the word ‘ practice’ within tediousness in separation from myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to limit my expression as life, my presence, my potential as life, within creating a meta-physical construct of value judgements about walking physical ordinariness as what leads to extra-ordinariness within practicing as walking myself into awareness of what I do in a practical way.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a walking memory of value judgement projections.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to separate myself from life, from recognizing physical reality, to in essence bring my heaven down to earth, my memory within to the world around me as the without, to ground myself here, in practical application of my natural ability to focus here, and move in respect of physical reality to live a life in full potential expression, being grateful in practice through the application of respecting all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to impose a meta-physical construction of value onto the action of practicing the means to an end, as in practicing a musical instrument,  slowing myself down, imposing a burden that is of belief, that is an action that separates me, through occupying my focus o value judgements as ideas about something, all of this in separation  from being direct and efficient in what I do and how I live here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how much I project onto things, to the extent I lose my ability, spatially, to be present, manifest as so many little things, little movements that show me the extent of my separation, such as tripping on stairs, dropping a glass, bumping my car onto/into another car as I have no presence here of the space around me as this physical world as my meta-physical construct of and as a morality composed of value judgements has accumulated over time and separated me from being present here, and I make mistakes as a consequence of my own accepted and allowed loss of spatial awareness, which in all common sense should have increased over time, over the life of myself here, as myself as a man being present and respectful and thankful of life, meaning to focus here, equal and one to and as the physical world, as all that exists is life, as the physical is life in expression here.

I forgive myself to not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the weight of my separation as a sense of things being impossible, as things taking too long to accomplish, as things being too tedious to ‘ get done.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that physical living is too tedious.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ignore that practical, as in walking/interacting with/ paying attention to what is here as how things are done, which is to walk the order of the physical world to reach/accomplish/get done what are actions that reach an end goal in ways that do no harm and respect all things and as such, focus myself here in space, to build awareness of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist life, this physical world around me.

When and as I find myself skimming a word, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I check what I project onto the moment here, and I forgive through transforming what I have accepted and allowed as belief, opinion and idea, based on traditions, culture, my own past, as value judgments that have not considered all things, until I am stable here, focused, to become the practice of being focused on the order of life, as the physical world, here.

When and as I find myself in separation as what a reaction is and of, as in this instance within the word ‘ practice’ being a memory as my past as having the quality of being tedious, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself, to focus here, equal and one with and as the physical world, to become awareness of life, as life is physical, meaning manifested in form and function, of many cells working together to express and create, a perfect machine, the same as me, a physical manifestation of and as life in expression, and as this, I become an awareness of and as life, here.

When and as I find myself projecting a value, or becoming occupied as mind consciousness only, I stop and I breath, and I slow way down, as this meta-physical construct is heavy, like I carry a televised imagery of morality composed of spite and blame, within and as me, that is the source, a self created, through acceptance and allowance, entity that takes away an awareness of physical space, where I lose what I ostensibly seek, which is life.

When and as I find myself believing that something is impossible, I stop, and I breath, and I slow myself down, until I see, realize and understand the burden of my belief/judgement that is my own created separation from common sense of physical reality, and I forgive what covers my gift as life, as my common sense, to ground myself back into reality to be able to move in space as this physical world with ease, building awareness of life, this being the practice of living.

When and as I find myself believing something is tedious, be it that something appears to be too hard, be it that I have a thought as an idea that, for example , ‘ something takes too long,’ or be it that ‘ there would be too much resistance’ or ‘ that I might lose a relationship’ I stop and I breath and I slow way down, and I repeat this until I am stable, here grounded, and I assess, I investigate until I can direct in ways that can withstand the test of time, meaning ways that allow a common sense application composed of many joyous steps that build awareness in their application, that often is simple and giving as I would receive, meaning allowing the world around me to self-discover a practical step by step application that walks the ordinary into the desired goal as the extraordinary, here.

When and as I find myself becoming uncertain, as what skimming words is and as, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, as I choose life, here, and I walk into awareness of the physical space here, to become equal and one to and as life, to become present here, to accept this present of life, as what and who I am, to practice living, to become the practice of life, equal and one, using the physical world as in, respecting the physical world which is the practice of taking that which is good, meaning to do no harm, and transforming the focus of myself to be present here.

When and as I find myself within and as a sense of unbalance, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself through focusing here, to sense the space here, until I am stable, and I do so with every breath, in every moment, walking myself step by step into the practice of life, here.

When and as I find myself uncertain, as in skimming, as in procrastinating, as in what separates myself from being present here, as in aware of space here, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I become in parity within this course of life, here. : )

The Latin word practizare is an alteration of practicare which means to ' perform, carry out. ' 

Thank You for Reading!

Day 99 expectation

Day 99

In the last days, within walking towards a change I notice myself feeling sad, like a big wet blanket shrouding myself here. It is the fears and the expectations I have that I have to accept are myself wanting as mind, needing as mind. Like a soaked rag of tantrum in that the world is not responding to the fairy tale of imagery as expectation. Meanwhile non of it matches what is here, and I have lived enough to realize that the fairy tale is only ever a part of the story. Thus, is the dream excluding so much of life, just as there starving are being denied even the slightest experience of life, of self development. I am living an illusion as non awareness of myself as life, like I have the most amazing tool as the human physical body and this world to move and express and instead I turn and choose a dream, imagining myself to within a simplified picture of myself sitting in an “amazing” technological device, when I have this right here, as myself, as a physical human being on a physical planet.

Expectation is looking out and not moving within. I keep getting to this point and I find myself blank, staring, no knowledge and information will serve, there is only moving myself here, like the wet rag is there, but it is not a choice, it is the illusion. And I am afraid of the other.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel tired, to want to sleep: a sleep that is resistance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like I am standing between not wanting to move ( literally and figuratively-as in self honesty) yet the choice of pretending to a care actor is ignorance of what is real and thus not a value to be lived, a complete lie in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear both rejection and acceptance in and as being self honest, where being self honest is becoming self responsible and thus standing absolutely within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the uncertain will remain uncertain until able to stand in self honesty, and will be a barrage of the voice of uncertainty and unless I am stable within and as self honesty, I will be moved by this, just as I am moved by the idea of this here, as I write myself out, thus I fear my own self responsibility.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not what i think, and it is not what another thinks, in and as the mind, but with absolute certainty, as the living word, as the directive as what is best for all, the principle of oneness in equality, in and as breath that is what is real and uncertainty is only the separation of self from what is real, self as the sound of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to expectation, to want a road laid out before myself here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that  road laid out is a map, and thus a desire to know, when life is here aware of itself, where man has placed an idea of unknowing, just as the word suggests, the “know” is here, and the un has been added on, where to not know one must first know, thus is life here and only been rejected in and as a belief that life cannot be understood or known.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that also within unknowing is the act of no longer existing as an no, as the being of myself as negating myself as life, in and as being a memory, an image in and as my mind in separation from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the physical is the tool to exist as the knowing that is me as myself here, as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see , realize and understand that this sense of sadness, as the wet blanket/rag I allow to envelop myself here is myself  standing before my mother taking the mice and flushing them down the toilet, where I am asked to ignore what is real, what is here, and accept a fear, accept an idea, accept that this earth is “dirty” is filled with “wrongs” and that should I see mice as life, I will be treated with the action of hysteria, I will be corrected to fit within the values of belief that the natural world is the diseased, when in fact it is the minds of men that is the disease.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the machines of men, built with blinding headlights, stringing paved roads all over this earth on which to impose a blueprint of right and wrong, dirty and clean in and as ideas and beliefs that maintain an energetic grid that sucks this earth dry and depletes the soils of earth that are the life of earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am powerless in the face of the energy of the mind.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that it is the roads of men built on the face of this earth where the roadkill and the dirt exists, as it is the  dirt when placed on the earth that is the building blocks of life, rendered lifeless and “dirty” when placed on the surfaces built by men.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have sunk in that moment, to have sunk into and as giving up in and as myself, to have felt so powerless and to have had my hopes of surprise and awe of the mice to have not been lived, as I had experienced the opposite of my expectation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not considered the baby mice being baby mconsciousnessice that, in being babies, required the care of their mother.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become a character of hesitation, to be hesitant with others, to feel them out, to avoid a reaction of hysteria.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have also become the opposite , where at time I would say things to shock people, just to create the same shock I had experienced, and thus become spiteful of my own accepted and allowed behavior and wanting others to be the same, as though it made my own behavior seem justifiable because everyone else did this as well.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to abuse nature, the earth.

I commit myself to realizing my own wet blanket created to absorb the crying of myself in fear.

I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that this blanket absorbing my tears, is myself absorbing my fear and carrying this as myself here, hiding in the face of beliefs, opinions and ideas that have created the nature of a species known as man, as the object on this earth in separation of life.

I commit myself to  realizing that one action in and as my past does not define myself here.

I commit myself to breathing, to remaining here, to not define myself within idea, opinion and belief, to not become the character within a play of morality taught by and as and of  the confines of a system of borders competing for survival on an earth that gives plenty.

I commit myself to realizing all belief , opinion and idea bordered within survival are divisions from what is actually a land of plenty as this earth, an illusion accepted and allowed by a mind developed as the image and likeness of fear of self responsibility as self honesty as self as life, here.

I commit myself to realizing that the pavement of men, cannot exist without the earth.

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Earth's Journey to Life

Heaven's Journey to Life