Saturday, January 19, 2013

Day 261 Fear of speaking is separation from self as life.

One of the first responses I git from my mother about desteni was that I was not to speak, that my words were “indoctrination” and so I was not allowed to speak.
I touched in a previous blog that a family story is that my twin sister and I had developed a “secret language” which means that my twin sister and I spoke together and my parents did not understand what we were saying. Were we told to speak the “English” my parents spoke? How long were we allowed to continue, or were we told to not speak in our supposed “secret language”? Had my mother used the same words so many years ago that she uses with me now?
I would take this into myself and blame myself, as not using the right words. Allowing myself to become confused, questioning myself and my ability.
I also remember another family story that a maid had watched my sisters and I had had to be “let go” because her accent was so strong, and she spend the days with us, that we all began to speak as she spoke.
So here are two stories about my childhood, that I do not really remember, where I was in an environment that was not accepting my way of speaking.
I also, supposedly had a lisp in second grade, which I remember being embarrassed that I would be out in the speech class. This also brings up a recent event where someone I know would speak with a list in certain situations, and I noticed this. Other times they dod not. I did not encounter this enough to see the patterns.
So, I have the fear of speaking, that my words are somehow “wrong”. And, with the death of my husband, I remember thinking that there must be some magical words that I was not speaking. And in the end it was not the words, it was that my words were not living words. Thus it was not the specific words, it was that the words were not one and equal to and as me as life. I was not a living word. My words were laced with fear, with memories, with ideas and beliefs and opinions, assumptions unclear of what was here as life. I was so busy looking for the words as a belief that I did not look at who I was within the words.
So, I can’t really say there is a thought with this ambiguous feeling of not being able to speak, or feeling like I cannot use words. This is all really just some unclear idea within me, that must be forgiven, as this is a fear that is non-directive and blocks interacting here.
Fear Dimension: fear of not using words correctly.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I have not used the right words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to skim over what i read, as though I am looking for something, where what i am doing is not looking/focusing on what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am one and the same as what i see within children when they read and begin to speak words that are not in the text, as though they have shifted from what is here and start to read what they think the words are, no longer even being aware of what is actually real as the words in the text.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I can stop and I can breath, and I can carefully and slowly read the words that are here, until I am one and equal to the words within what is being said.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear seeing what is here in and as the words, realizing that what distracts my attention on what is here, are emotions and feelings and thoughts on any number of things, such as financial worries, or relationship worries, or worries about my children, none of which can be taken care of in themoments I am sitting and reading, as what i am in the moment is sitting and reading and not facing what is the worry and speculation in another area of my life that is not in the present moment needing attention, so what is not here, is not something that needs to be dealt with.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words are something to fear,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to fear words.
i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is not words that I fear but myself as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that what i am not in fact facing is the separation I am allowing myself to exist as within believing there is a distance between myself and what i perceive to be negative, where I am in effect fearing the separation, facing what i have separated myself from, which in effect is that which is the cause of the fear, where the separation simply needs bringing back to self in common sense within alignment into and as what is best for all, whether it is a separation within or without, as the seeming distance is an illusion, as the nature of life moves with absolute purpose and this is self directive when aligned within the principle of what is best for all, which means forgiving myself as life, here, which means simply looking in common sense at what is here and investigating what is here, as how this physical world functions, of which there is ample information available within this age of information, thus what is here can be cross referenced and studied within private and government sponsored information and movement to see, realize and understand what is here as this world within what is a best practice.
When and as I speak words, I slow myself down and I breath, and I remain here, equal and one to what is here, to practice bringing myself here in common sense of what is substantive here, realizing that within being here, I am able to see the separations and the distance from here in the movements here, as what is here, to pull myself back in common sense here through and as breath and slowing myself down back into and as physical sense of here.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to wonder off in imaginations that are fairy tales as ideas of what is right and wrong as habitual emotional fixations that have no lasting substance of joy in expression as in having a directive capacity within a state of ease, to see, realize and understand that a feeling of insecurity means that I am not moving here, equal and one, in common sense of life, here.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to dream within and as memories, as ideas, beliefs and opinions, as fairy tales of consequence within self validations in self interest as mind only, to realize such self validating is myself in separation from here, myself distant from what is substantive and constant, absolute and directive, myself as life.
I commit myself to reminding myself equal and one to and as breath, in awareness as the physical, to realize there exists no distance to common sense within practical solutionswith what is existentially here, that no storm of energy as separation need be feared within or without, as what is here is of the substance of life, and therefor the gift of self as life is here able to be utilized within and as its very nature which is what is best for all, as self as life in expression is what is best for self, and what is best for self is best for all, thus would self as life be aware of consequence and the actions self exists as within consequences that effect all on earth.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the past is the past and does not define what i am here in this moment.
I commit myself to realizing that my twin sister and I were probably speaking English, and had my parents slowed down and listened in physical equality and oneness they would have heard what my sister and i were speaking, as why would my twin sister and I develop a whole new language in all common sense?
I commit myself to realizing that as young children my sisters and I would have imitated the accent of someone we spent a lot of time with, and that this was what it was and not something to be judged as more than or less than.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that a lisp, is actually an indication of insecurity within speaking, a separation from being here, and nothing else, and all that is required is to slow oneself down and to speak without fear of what another might or might not think, to bring oneself back, for self, to become certain, as self as life is but a breath away and thus self as life is able to slow down and speak, here.
I commit myself to realizing the gift of the physical as a means to place myself within and as common sense , here.
i commit myself to realize there are no mistakes, there are only mistakes which means the past is not what is here, and this a miss take can be corrected within slowing myself down and aligning myself with myself as life, equal and one , focusing myself here in common sense of what is physically here.
I commit myself to realizing that all sudden onslaught of vertigo I experience, life a sudden sensation of falling can immediately be “pulled back” here, with and as breath and common sense, where I - at this moment- sense vertigo as being a distance from here, which is, when looked at, actually illusory, like allowing a vortex of separation have reign, which really has no power unless I accept and allow this.
I commit myself to no longer fearing words, to realize when i am allowing a distance between myself and what is here, even within the words i speak and hear, and read, to stop, to slow myself down and to walk within each breath an immediate correction within the principle of forgiving myself as life, here.
I commit myself to realizing that no one can do this for me, that i alone have been given this gift to align myself into and as life, here, and that it is common sense that it can be no other way, where I can either resist this, or walk this in joy, realizing that this is the journey of a life time, here.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my fear is my separation, my distance from myself as life here and that the words I speak are really of the same vocabulary that i have always used and thus what I am speaking has nothing to do with my words, as the words I speak are myself no longer supporting separation and distance, as established and accepted distances into and as energy, where the characters of separation, manifest as energetic expressions would become reactive, as energy demands resource for support as acts of validation in self interest, and thus equal and one consideration in and as life, here within the gentleness and humbleness of sound mind, would not be supportive of a personification of fear that is in nature a separation from self as life.

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