Day 572 The Slow Motion of Entities as Mind Constructed of Thoughts.

Substance is a fluid thing, one that can take many forms, and even become something less than that of a solid sound structure. A thought is such a thing, and it has not real self directive relation to practical reality, though a thought can be a directive, but this is all, as it is an abstract of reality and not what is real.

I can be tense when talking with others, and I do not even realize this within myself as what this is practically. It began in childhood, one tiny moment and I am in a rush to follow, where following is not a good or a bad, but a measure/movement of something. So, what I have accepted and allowed as what I follow is of my own volition, meaning my own volume of measure/movement here as life.

If I separate myself from the practical, from here, I can miss what is here, and lose my footing and then cause my own vertigo , which leads to consequences that build and take my attention, and meanwhile, life as the physical, as what is real, moves on, and I am no longer a creator but catching up within trying to “ right” myself . This can become a morality show, where I want to impose what I believe in an effort to correct but in essence this cannot and will not work, as this physicality that I am, that enables me to be here, is ignored and in not wanting to admit this, I create a wall of protection and self defense, and only let that through which sustains my separation.

So, a slow thought that I noticed was a shape of something huge, but in measure tiny. And as this was as huge as I made it, in my initial act of separation,  it became like a extremely slow current within and as me.  It was like, lol,  a current event of inferiority that I carry with and as me, allowing this to define me, my own supernatural, paranormal, self created event. One that became something I did not catch up to and bring back down to the practical, which is the physical reality.

And then, the skimming begins, and accumulates, and I separate and am on a tread mill of my own acceptance and allowance. I am no longer walking here as the gift of life.

It is like a movement of a sudden attention lost, and the shift from one to the other, is like a falling , a shock, and that shift, is disconcerting, but it is only an illusion, I remain here. But the memory is  retained, and as an abstract believed to be real, unless aligned in common sense of practical reality. And so it goes, on and on until one ages and dries up, lost to the mind and not here, equal and one with and as the physical. So, each must deconstruct mind and come back to earth, to clean up this house of rooms, as mind, with boogey men under the beds that are just a thought, and not self moving at ease here, enjoying the physical world as the means of life in expression. We decide, and that is the power and the gift of life here.

I can slow down and begin to realize the thoughts as mind are a separation from practical reality, that very thing I seek that allows me to discover the act of creation as the gift given, and that every single person, every single animal, every single plant, every single thing that is of the physical is the form to discover to realize creation information here. This is the way and the means of life in expression, this is the joy, this is the win win situation, here. We decide, we stand we change the system, we begin to be thankful for all that is here, embrace it, accept it, and build heaven on earth as is the gift we were given to  “ right” ourselves here.

So, when and as I find myself standing with someone, another person at this point, I slow down and I breath, and any and all senses of falling, or losing something, or missing the gain of something as a self definition, I forgive, and I bring myself here, and I begin the practice of coming back down to earth, here, where ease is a visible thing that moves with a lightness of being that we all seek. It is  a practical, common sense measure as what we are capable of and as as life, here. Everyone can do this, and if we work together as this, it will align much much faster.

Two or more in my name, this is the way, standing together, equal and one to and as life here.

We decide.

DIP lite. Begin your journey to life, to birth yourself into and as the physical. Everyone can do this, it is only a matter of making the decision to walk, and many are here doing just this. We forgive our thoughts, as ideas, beliefs, and opinions, and we align ourselves equal to that ease that is the source of life, here, the gift of life here, one’s self in expression as life. This is the joy, here.

Day 261 Fear of speaking is separation from self as life.

One of the first responses I git from my mother about desteni was that I was not to speak, that my words were “indoctrination” and so I was not allowed to speak.
I touched in a previous blog that a family story is that my twin sister and I had developed a “secret language” which means that my twin sister and I spoke together and my parents did not understand what we were saying. Were we told to speak the “English” my parents spoke? How long were we allowed to continue, or were we told to not speak in our supposed “secret language”? Had my mother used the same words so many years ago that she uses with me now?
I would take this into myself and blame myself, as not using the right words. Allowing myself to become confused, questioning myself and my ability.
I also remember another family story that a maid had watched my sisters and I had had to be “let go” because her accent was so strong, and she spend the days with us, that we all began to speak as she spoke.
So here are two stories about my childhood, that I do not really remember, where I was in an environment that was not accepting my way of speaking.
I also, supposedly had a lisp in second grade, which I remember being embarrassed that I would be out in the speech class. This also brings up a recent event where someone I know would speak with a list in certain situations, and I noticed this. Other times they dod not. I did not encounter this enough to see the patterns.
So, I have the fear of speaking, that my words are somehow “wrong”. And, with the death of my husband, I remember thinking that there must be some magical words that I was not speaking. And in the end it was not the words, it was that my words were not living words. Thus it was not the specific words, it was that the words were not one and equal to and as me as life. I was not a living word. My words were laced with fear, with memories, with ideas and beliefs and opinions, assumptions unclear of what was here as life. I was so busy looking for the words as a belief that I did not look at who I was within the words.
So, I can’t really say there is a thought with this ambiguous feeling of not being able to speak, or feeling like I cannot use words. This is all really just some unclear idea within me, that must be forgiven, as this is a fear that is non-directive and blocks interacting here.
Fear Dimension: fear of not using words correctly.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I have not used the right words.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to skim over what i read, as though I am looking for something, where what i am doing is not looking/focusing on what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am one and the same as what i see within children when they read and begin to speak words that are not in the text, as though they have shifted from what is here and start to read what they think the words are, no longer even being aware of what is actually real as the words in the text.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I can stop and I can breath, and I can carefully and slowly read the words that are here, until I am one and equal to the words within what is being said.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear seeing what is here in and as the words, realizing that what distracts my attention on what is here, are emotions and feelings and thoughts on any number of things, such as financial worries, or relationship worries, or worries about my children, none of which can be taken care of in themoments I am sitting and reading, as what i am in the moment is sitting and reading and not facing what is the worry and speculation in another area of my life that is not in the present moment needing attention, so what is not here, is not something that needs to be dealt with.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words are something to fear,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need to fear words.
i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is not words that I fear but myself as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that what i am not in fact facing is the separation I am allowing myself to exist as within believing there is a distance between myself and what i perceive to be negative, where I am in effect fearing the separation, facing what i have separated myself from, which in effect is that which is the cause of the fear, where the separation simply needs bringing back to self in common sense within alignment into and as what is best for all, whether it is a separation within or without, as the seeming distance is an illusion, as the nature of life moves with absolute purpose and this is self directive when aligned within the principle of what is best for all, which means forgiving myself as life, here, which means simply looking in common sense at what is here and investigating what is here, as how this physical world functions, of which there is ample information available within this age of information, thus what is here can be cross referenced and studied within private and government sponsored information and movement to see, realize and understand what is here as this world within what is a best practice.
When and as I speak words, I slow myself down and I breath, and I remain here, equal and one to what is here, to practice bringing myself here in common sense of what is substantive here, realizing that within being here, I am able to see the separations and the distance from here in the movements here, as what is here, to pull myself back in common sense here through and as breath and slowing myself down back into and as physical sense of here.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to wonder off in imaginations that are fairy tales as ideas of what is right and wrong as habitual emotional fixations that have no lasting substance of joy in expression as in having a directive capacity within a state of ease, to see, realize and understand that a feeling of insecurity means that I am not moving here, equal and one, in common sense of life, here.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to dream within and as memories, as ideas, beliefs and opinions, as fairy tales of consequence within self validations in self interest as mind only, to realize such self validating is myself in separation from here, myself distant from what is substantive and constant, absolute and directive, myself as life.
I commit myself to reminding myself equal and one to and as breath, in awareness as the physical, to realize there exists no distance to common sense within practical solutionswith what is existentially here, that no storm of energy as separation need be feared within or without, as what is here is of the substance of life, and therefor the gift of self as life is here able to be utilized within and as its very nature which is what is best for all, as self as life in expression is what is best for self, and what is best for self is best for all, thus would self as life be aware of consequence and the actions self exists as within consequences that effect all on earth.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the past is the past and does not define what i am here in this moment.
I commit myself to realizing that my twin sister and I were probably speaking English, and had my parents slowed down and listened in physical equality and oneness they would have heard what my sister and i were speaking, as why would my twin sister and I develop a whole new language in all common sense?
I commit myself to realizing that as young children my sisters and I would have imitated the accent of someone we spent a lot of time with, and that this was what it was and not something to be judged as more than or less than.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that a lisp, is actually an indication of insecurity within speaking, a separation from being here, and nothing else, and all that is required is to slow oneself down and to speak without fear of what another might or might not think, to bring oneself back, for self, to become certain, as self as life is but a breath away and thus self as life is able to slow down and speak, here.
I commit myself to realizing the gift of the physical as a means to place myself within and as common sense , here.
i commit myself to realize there are no mistakes, there are only mistakes which means the past is not what is here, and this a miss take can be corrected within slowing myself down and aligning myself with myself as life, equal and one , focusing myself here in common sense of what is physically here.
I commit myself to realizing that all sudden onslaught of vertigo I experience, life a sudden sensation of falling can immediately be “pulled back” here, with and as breath and common sense, where I - at this moment- sense vertigo as being a distance from here, which is, when looked at, actually illusory, like allowing a vortex of separation have reign, which really has no power unless I accept and allow this.
I commit myself to no longer fearing words, to realize when i am allowing a distance between myself and what is here, even within the words i speak and hear, and read, to stop, to slow myself down and to walk within each breath an immediate correction within the principle of forgiving myself as life, here.
I commit myself to realizing that no one can do this for me, that i alone have been given this gift to align myself into and as life, here, and that it is common sense that it can be no other way, where I can either resist this, or walk this in joy, realizing that this is the journey of a life time, here.
I commit myself to see, realize and understand that my fear is my separation, my distance from myself as life here and that the words I speak are really of the same vocabulary that i have always used and thus what I am speaking has nothing to do with my words, as the words I speak are myself no longer supporting separation and distance, as established and accepted distances into and as energy, where the characters of separation, manifest as energetic expressions would become reactive, as energy demands resource for support as acts of validation in self interest, and thus equal and one consideration in and as life, here within the gentleness and humbleness of sound mind, would not be supportive of a personification of fear that is in nature a separation from self as life.

Day 259 Bridging the gap of distance, stopping vertigo with common sense

I have judged others as being above me, or below me, and I realize there is no above or no below, that which creates a judgement of above and or below is an illusory separation within a structure of division in a system of inequality. The division is within belief and opinion and idea, or, as this system has allowed, a division in resource distribution, where some are neglected what is needed within common sensical physical support.
But what if such divisions were seen for what they are in fact, mere separations of values, borders defined by such values made huge and then believed to be of more value?
Thus, there is no above, no below, such beliefs/judgements are ignorance of physicality. Plain and simple.
In this context, it is easier to place oneself within the context of give as you would like to receive as this eliminates the illusion of a more than and a less than, a greater and a lesser. It means that borders are separations, are distances within lack of communication only. Thus, an approach of bridging the gap, as in removing the border becomes the directive action, as the hierarchy of seeming separation is simply an absence of mutual understanding.
In this context as well, taking a physical example, lets look at people who live on a hill overlooking a forest. The view will see the forest and not the individual trees, arelationships with a starting point of reference to the forest. The person living in the forest will see the individual trees and thus this will become the starting reference point. One would become more aware of the detail of the life of the forest and the other perhaps more aware of the details surrounding the forest, as the sky in contrast to the way the wind moves over the forest. The one in the forest might read the changes in the world through the way the lichen grows on the trees, or the changing undergrowth of the forest - where some years some plants produce more than others.
A whole vocabulary will develop around both scenarios.
This can create a divide, if one is made more than another, this can become a hierarchy. And the ones with the means to have their words heard more can become dominant with the way they have defined the world. And he who has dominated will impose a perspective that actually misses details of existence, and the details may require additional consideration, or lack vocabulary in expressing what is here in fact.
Thus, there can be no more than and less than, there is only division through one perspective being made more than another. Which means, if there exist a imposed more-than, self inner-rest perspective, an absolute has not been considered or allowed to be lived. Unless all is considered and cared for, unless all is realized as being the life that is here, and respected. Cross referenced communication is vital.
The same limited insight is what exists within the health care system. The totality of how the human physical body works is not looked at. And the environment of this earth is not looked at. And if something is pointed out, as to be a cause of the ill health, then this is ignored, as the stagnant systems of dividend production would rather the dividend then the health, and the voice of the present system, has bought space within the present venues of communication on a large scale with the dividend. So, in essence stagnation within comfort for a few, who exist within a singular perspective, have made something that is not absolute greater than life, and fear toppling from this perspective, even when the only separation is a system of beliefs, a division, a distance - an illusion - from absolute consideration.
Life is absolute purpose in every moment, in absolute communication in every breath. Thus any division, or any belief in distance is a separation from this absolute. So the starting point must be within what is absolutely best for all. Until this is reached, the only value acceptable is what supports life - as what is created by the hands of all men, with the resources of this earth - be returned to all life in absolute equality, because all life must be allowed to exist within absolute purpose as life for life to exist absolutely.
So, to place divisions in “more than” of “less than” is to judge distance and stop communication, either in belief or the active flow of resource being a means of communication through supporting the physical to express itself within full potential as life.
Lack of sustenance, or the venue of cells to move and thus interact, is shutting down the existence of life, is shutting off communication, is dividing/distancing life to such a degree that life shuts down. And this is exactly what is happening on earth, for the human, and for many animals and plants. What if expression as life, is communication in and as life, and thus shutting down communication is deafening life? Taking away sound expression is taking away life. All so, a limited set of values, that will never be able to stand on their own, as they only see the forest and not the trees, are not here, hearing what is here absolutely. This is ignorance of life, the more than scenario an illusion, a limited conversation ignorant of its own lack.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to distance myself from myself as life
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i lack the ability to communicate, to look at the knowledge and information and to bring this back to the physical, in common sense, to share within being in common sense as life within bridging the gap, as a judgement of distance instead of a bridging of distance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot communicate, that I do not know how to use words, which is a belief that I cannot bridge the gap, as I only see the distance and not what is same as me as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to isolate myself from life, to see others as less than myself , to not see, realize and understand the distance, the distance being a different set of words and values, and thus within this to not see, realize and understand the differece in and as a set of ideas as knowledge and information and thus within this to direct within this to communicate into equal understanding through defining words to realize the practical movement of how what is here moves.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from myself here, to not see, realize and understand how my physical body in fact functions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I will be punished should I not speak the limited lingo, should I not maintain the divide, the border.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear losing the words I speak for fear of making a mistake within not maintaining a set of words , where the words I speak are constructs of placing a set of values within expression of myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot speak, that my twin sister and I developed this secret language, and thus had not learned the real language that my parents spoke.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot speak, that I do not speak what is supposed to be spoken
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I had learned a bad tongue from a black maid and that I had to separate myself from the bad tongue of the dialect of the maid and clean the tongue I had learned from the maid, the black maid, as this was bad.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i have to be careful with whom I associate as this might mean I will learn a bad tongue, that i will not speak correctly should I associate with people who do not speak “correctly.”
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot speak because it was suggested that I have speech therapy in second grade because I had a slight lisp.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being cast out should i not speak correctly
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear looking at what is here, to see what is here, to realize that I cannot be made separate and distanced unless i accept and allow this
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to confuse speaking up clearly and expecting immediate communication, and when this fails, to judge myself as not being able to speak, and to instead look at the distance as the words used and work towards bridging the gap within and as communication, to stop and to breath and to look at the words here, and to speak through them, to clarify, to see the substance of the words as being what moves what is here
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how words are living, as in being clear within and as being able to direct another within what is here, to see realize and understand how what is here is able to see, and read, and to align myself one and equal to this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see my own divisions and to realize that I must speak my words in such a way that directly describes what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look at what is here and to not fear what is here, to not fear judgement, to look at the judgement without righteousness, to see what is here as distance, and the fear of bridging the seeming gap of distance , to see, realize and understand such distance into and as oneness in equality within and as realizing what is best for all, here.
I commit myself to no longer fearing the distance to no longer allowing and accepting vertigo, as a lack of sense of distance , to realize such distance as distance only, which if the distance is seen than this is just this, the distance is seen and can be made smaller through communication, through connection within and as realizing the distance is a distance of lack of seeing detail, of seeing space as the means through which to bridge the “gap.”,
I commit myself to realizing there is not more than and less than, there is only an illusion of distance.
I commit myself to seeing what is here as separation, as fear/survival as distance that need only be made equal and one through and as connecting through communication, which takes a process of equalizing understanding in and as the words used, here, to shorten the distance and allow giving in and as understanding here, equal and one, to and as life here, where it is in giving that the seeming distance of bridged.

Day 243 What is being "irritation"?

Irritation
What is “being” irritation?
Irritation is a response of no movement, of no ease, of conflict. A “stop”. A loss of breath. An “ I don’t know where to go”, or a “I can’t move”, and/or “ I can no longer see what is here.”
Auditioning comes up for me. I specifically remember auditioning for a group, and immediately, as I walked in the room and began to play, I could not play; what had been so easy at another audition was tense and unmoving within this one. I must have been about 17, maybe 16.
I remember this so well - or so I believe, because I have questioned it for years- in other words sought answers. I remember standing there, being distant, and I remember the manner and ways of the jurors. Even this brings up recently going for interviews for jobs, and I went to many, as I had the perfect paper work, but the minute I walked through the door and across the room towards the interviewer, the reaction and judgement was already set - or so I believed.
Someone told me it was reverse snobbery, as where I live and the field I entered had the local regional accent, and this profession was filled with this: I lacked this accent.
It was not so with all interviews. There were two that wanted to hire me, but it was far away and I choose the stability of where I am for the children. Right or wrong, it’s done, I can only move from here.
My manner and words, did not fit, were not easy and comfortable for the person interviewing me. And, as with this audition, I can remember walking in and shutting down, even within being nervous, as I had been nervous about auditions and not clamped up when the time came. But this is part of being a player, in no matter what situation, the playing had to be constant, and I was not. So, no matter what I deserved what I got.
I also had to learn to read scores, orchestral scores and play them on the piano, I practiced this a lot, and sometimes it began to move. I knew I would be nervous, so I practiced to move within this nervousness. I didn’t make it, when I sat down for the test at the piano, I froze, couldn’t see the orchestral score, and thus could not play the score on the piano. For some reason I passed the class, and to this day I do not know why. I really did not deserve this, even though I had practiced it a lot. When performance time came I froze.
I think it was a little while after this that I just stopped one day and said I was so fucking sick and tired of being this fear that I forced myself to play openly more. I went to recitals at other schools and I watched, I watched the focus, to imitate it, my thinking was, how the hell is this done, it was like I wanted to see how it was done, because I thought, this can be done, so it is here.
I stumbled a lot over the years, but slowly the devil of fear began to be controlled. But there are other factors, a husband dying, when the music world was beginning to open up - after my children had reached an age of greater autonomy and I had stepped back into the field more, where I made the choice to return to my country of origin because being away at night and hiring help seemed too difficult, this after the death of my husband.
I remember one of the last gigs I played, the certainty within playing was a joy. Even the conductor came to my home to support me within the death of my husband. And conductors do not do that unless they gain something. Part of me was going, on the inside, fuck, should I stay or should I go.
On another front, in another facade, there was a residual doubt from the past within ability, but even here the lifestyle seemed too uncertain and difficult being a single mom.
The undercurrent of self judgement, the “state” of separation, the cause of not being present. The fear made bigger, as a judgement of loss and or gain, where the loss is hidden through attempting to make the choice a beautiful outcome. Self justification. Self interest.
Would learning to see the blueprint of the mind, and thus making this blueprint of fear smaller, where the parts were seen for what they are, prevent such happenings, as not being able to direct self within communication with others? Within practical understanding of the emotional/feeling alignments connecting, as system of compounded value judgements within culture, class, gender, age, race, regional accent, style as taught within generational back ground and world exposure to varying stylistic mannerisms regionally being made into values of more than and less than, a bling of presentation, be what is energetically valued instead of common sense in and as words within a clear detailed directive, concise and simple, without endless chattering embellishments of happy face drama, going on and on and on without really saying anything? And imagine this being what is used, by many that are simply the gargoyles of the gate, a facade of talk about how a-mazing this is and how amazing that is, on and on and on, in a way, slowing things down, creating a giant HallMark moment, where the initial task is all but forgotten. Interesting that the term is “ Hall Mark” moment. Building the defense/protection wall, as a hall, as a layer, confining the initial directive. No one gets through here, is really what the happy face, “ let’s talk about how amazing and wonderful everything is,” is about. Programmed behavior to move within the maze that is the system of inequality, stepping up a ladder of relationships to survive, ignoring the view as life, not working with the substance supporting the maze.

I remember sitting in an office, waiting for an interview. The secretary, and another visiter - a young girl who had just finished her education degree- were talking about how wonderful the children were, how wonderful the teachers were, on and on and on. And the girl visiter interspersed things she had experienced within getting her degree. So, I perked up and joined in - to see what would happen - and within my conversation I named dropped etc. - I wanted to interrupt the pattern, because honestly, I felt like I was listening to a Liszt piece, the same phrase, over and over again, the same embellishments again and again, like the verbal diarrhea was extremely tasteful, and comforting. I guess this is how the game is played, happy face your way to the bank.
It is like a torture session. And in some way, this emotional happy face “water torture” must be used and not be of self as what self is, as being within the system but not of the system. THis point of realizing it is just water/energy in and as no substance ( and this is within the context of water being a symbol of emotion as what i have been taught). In many ways it is like being able to read an orchestral score and playing the parts all at once, as in seeing the blueprint of the mind, and how this can be a directive, when, it is to see this as a maze, as a display of parts from the totality as the substance of life, as the nothing, rendering this irritation, as energy, as judgement, small, so that the score is readable, and thus renderable to and towards what is best for all, as the embellishment is not good or bad, it simply needs direction within what is best for all.
Thus, there is nothing to fear within this, as the physical is here, as life, showing the way to what works absolutely through form and function, and the vertigo in the chest need not be the directive as it is only a score of the present system which can be flooded with common sense as the principle of what is best for all to prevent the separation from self as life.

Day 208 Fluctuating vertigo

Ladder, Vertigo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was up on a ladder today and suddenly had vertigo whereas one moment before I did not, and had no qualms about being up high on a ladder.
I had had this the days before, and had spoken some SF on the point, and a memory from high school where I experienced a man falling onto his head onto cement. Today I remembered a story about a relative that died falling off a ladder. It was cool, because when I started this project the vertigo was much more intense, and though it returned today, I “caught it”, and the duration of the experience, as mind, was not as overwhelming.
So I will walk some more self forgiveness on this point, and tomorrow see what happens. I have to say, I am not sure what triggered this, but perhaps it will come up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suddenly get nervous about being up on a ladder, and within this losing all sense of the physical space I am in.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had the thought that I wished i had someone there to help me with this one corner of the house.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it was at this moment of “wishing” that the vertigo suddenly appeared.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I also had the thought that I was close to the edge of the house, and the end of the deck and the ground below the deck i judged as being far away, despite the fact that I had taken careful steps to secure the ladder, and had even been up to this corner of the house before, and everything had been fine and secure, thus there was no call to worry about distances and then to go into self pity about “having to take care of this ‘ all by myself.”
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that at this point images came up of a story I had been told about a relative that had died from falling off a ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have imagined myself falling off the ladder, where within this image I hear the sound of the head of this man I saw falling off a ladder as it thumped onto the ground with a cracking sound, thus the story and the sound of a cracking skull came up as i began to fear my own death through falling off of a ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory of myself, just having gotten off the subway, as I travelled home from school, and began the two block walk home, to have come upon a man falling through the air and landing on his head on the cement sidewalk, where it all happened so fast, and that sound was so loud I gasped for air and was shocked that this man had somehow just fallen off this ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt some guilt about this, believing this to be my fault, as i have another memory of a friend suddenly falling while i was walking along a sidewalk with her, holding her hand when she suddenly fell and hit her head on the sidewalk, and had to go and have stitches and her parents blamed me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had this physical sinking feeling as I was moving into vertigo, much like the sinking feeling I had when I experienced the man falling off the ladder onto the sidewalk on my way home from school.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I had this same sinking feeling when my friend’s parents blamed me for their daughter having fallen on the sidewalk.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself into and as fear of falling off a ladder based on memories from my past in and as my mind, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was on a ladder that I had carefully secured myself, and climbed up many times in the last days, and had no problems being up on the ladder, thus to suddenly have vertigo was a clear indication that I had gone into my mind, as I confused the situation with ideas, opinions and beliefs, in and asemotions , feelings and thoughts, instead of remaining physically present in common sense of what was real within that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the ground being far away as scary, especially since I have to legs and two arms, that are perfectly capable of climbing a ladder, and two eyes with which to see what I am doing.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I notice this pattern of clenching my inner thighs, as my legs together whenever I become tense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I found myself doing this very same thing tonight driving home in my car, which is something I will have to look into.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this reaction, in and as my mind, as a seemingly distant “back chat” where i begin to pity myself, as in wanting someone there to help, or assist, even when doing this ‘job” needs only myself, as I have had others help and found this unnecessary.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become uncertain about what I am doing, I begin to wish for help, then go into self pity about not having help, and separate myself from what I am physically doing and lose my own practical physical, here, sense of space.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to tense up the moment i become uncertain, especially through my legs, where, within this, I become heavy in how i experience myself, and actually dealing with what I am doing physically becomes harder.

The moment I become uncertain, be it within what I am doing as in making a decision, or an evaluation within possibility based on the physical situation and within both go into fear, and thus separation, diminishing my common sense of reality, I stop and I breath and I bring myself back to physicality.
I commit myself to, when I have to make a decision, and become uncertain, to stop and to breath, and to go over what I have physically decided to walk in detail to stabilize myself here instead of allowing myself to separate into and as uncertainty where I sidestep into self judgement based on societal values of myself as a womanforgetting my self awareness equal and one to this actual physical world, which is to say, I remove myself from “here’ into and as belief, opinion and idea and the ensuing emotions composed of such thoughts as judgements done over a period of many years of training to believe such self definitions lacking a self honest development of myself in totality in common sense of what is real, this actual physical world.

Desteni

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Day 111 Love is the admission of fear

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that fear will create a distance

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that fear creates distances between people

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is distance between people

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am distant from another

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my own feeling of un worth is a belief that I am distant from others

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that when and as I feel unworthy as though I am doing something wrong all that exists is a distance through and as fear with another

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my own feeling of un-worth is a belief that I cannot reach another because I could not reach my father or my mother, where I did not even try with my mother as she was the one who held the paddle and my father was the one who used the words, who cried with his words

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that when my father would come for apology I would feel absolute disgust and I did not want him to touch me, to hug me, yet after he did this I was glad, I was once again free for a while.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that distance I feel between myself and others is my fear of becoming one and equal with them in and as a fear of rejection from them

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this distance is a distance of fear

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I am in fear I am at a distance from what is real from looking at what is here, from seeing what is here

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that fear takes one on a journey, distancing one from what is actually physically here,

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that those years I was told I needed a man, was a slow progression from myself here, from my common sense into and as starting to look at other men and thinking thatI needed a man, when I would say to myself that I do not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I need a man

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that the distance is the illusion of the mirage, the mirror age of fear, as the mirror distorts what is real and creates and age, a story a time warp, where time and warp are one and equal, as time warps, the very presentation as the idea of time and warp coupled together actually separates the two in and as our minds where the two are  actually one, as time warps, the subject and the verb joined, as one.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see that the distance from myself creates the sense of unworthiness and thus I am no longer here, my un worth is the diminishment into and as the reflection of an idea and not myself here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that to believe in love is to be fear, to separate from myself here into and as a mirror image in and as an idea in separation from what is here, from what is physically here as life, as myself as life in common sense of life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this mirage as a time warp is myself in fear, where I have to move the image of what i fear and myself as though I move two worlds, the world of this physical existence and the bubble of my fear as the story of my fear, as the gloom and doom of my fear, where I am not here in common sense of this physical world, thus my fear is my separation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that the program that I exist as is to separate myself from myself as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become the image and likeness of what is expected of myself here, in and as the characters we are taught to be, to survive, as these characters are meant to become polished images of what is success within a system of division through economic inequality, the very nature of myself as life is suppressed into and as what will allow myself to survive, and this system of survival is limited by design and does not consider the nature of the expression of men, but instead makes of woman - for example- the belief that being anything other than a barbie doll means little chance of success, where, like in a factory, the pressed out dolls do not always fit and are deformed, or don’t make it to affluent neighborhoods and do not have a chance of being sold etc, and thus are cast away, or sold into conditions where they are not taken care of etc. thus there is only opportunity for the few as this world does not organize and practice what is best for all, what supports all life, and uses an image to distort and create a mirage, a mirror image as memory to age and diminish what is real, in separation from life, where the more we become the image and likeness of what SELLS the greater the distance we are from ourselves.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot speak through the distance

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am at a vast distance from others

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some great distance between me and others, the people around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this distance is in and as the mind, in separation from life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize this as I have continually had these moments of sudden vertigo where I was looking down from above as a picture in and as my mind, and then the fear came, the falling, for the last days I have had these images of a great distance coming up and then I would fall.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe there is distance between myself and another

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to believe that something is unreachable, I am creating a distance, and that this distance is an illusion as everything is right here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I cannot get others to hear me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that others, that life is at some great distance form me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot see life here, as this distance is the measure of belief, opinion and idea in separation from common sense here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that love is fear, that love is grasping and holding onto something into an effort to not become separated when it is the allowance and acceptance of role play, of the process of polishing one’s self up to survive that creates the distance from life here, from common sense here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that in physical fact there is not distance between my self and another, but the idea, belief and opinion in which I cloak myself in and as through the judgement of myself in relation to a norm that is the exception to common sense of life as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my desire is my drug to fulfill and maintain my separation, as I become accustomed to the distance as I learn to move within the distance and thus am limited in my ability to conceptualize the whole and the life as me, needs outlet as it is not directed, thus do I need an image and likeness - as a fixation- with a tube of “evacuation” attached to release the non use of myself in totality, where this is seen within how the human has created this system on earth, where there is so much waste, as how what is here is used is not considering the totality of the nature of the resource and thus creates waste as a belief that this waste is not usable as this part of what was used is not seen, as the form of what was used is not comprehended in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize, see and understand that my own constrictions are the di-use of myself here in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize there is no distance and thus there is not need to fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am far away from life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am here where, within this, the illusion is the distance, the fear is the distance, and fear is belief in distance, and saying “I love you” is reinforcing the separation from here, thus, to say “ I love you” is to be in fear, in separation from here.

I commit myself to realizing that the act, in and as a belief, that one must tell another they “love” them is a separation from what is here and thus one and the same as saying I am fear.

I commit myself to realizing that to speak the words “ I love you” is the admission of fear, of separation from life here.

I commit myself to realizing that if I am not one and equal to another than I am in separation from life and thus I am existing within and as fear,

I commit myself to realizing that love is not something that needs to be said, or proved, as if one is one and equal to life here, realizing that life is the value, every act, every deed would be the support of what is best for all, and thus would the very being of self , as life, be the very sound of the word love in and as the expression of self in totality.

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