Day 475 ALl SEe the fAL SE confidence and comfort.

When I am facing a woman with young children, girls, and I talk with them and they are accessing their pride, and saying that everything is okay, I go into insecurity, as I allow myself to compare myself to them, which is myself comparing myself to an idea, like a Utopia as a potential that i believe I have not lived, and then I go into insecurity where I think, who am I to say? Who am I to suggest to another what they should or should not do?

This is all guilt based on ideas, as to what and how I should be some kind of super being, accomplishing some overarching idea. The problem is that this is a separation from common sense on a physical planet.

I am so busy chasing a norm that I am not looking around me practically, and instead just compare myself to reality and measure with an idea. That makes no sense. If the reality around me has not reached the ideal, and this has been going on for a very very long time, then what I am doing as chasing an idea is not working. The practical has not been actually lived, thus it is to look at the physical reality and reevaluate it in total. Which also means to reevaluate what I have accepted as allowing ideals to have me running on a tread mill instead of being practical here, equal to physical reality.

I remember feeling as though I did not fit in at various stages of my life. One that is dominant at the moment is a memory of a party at the Kindergarten my children attended. I felt very separate from the other mothers, as though I could not communicate with them. And I felt that my husband was tired of his foreign wife, me, and had lost patience for my reticence. I remember trying to hide this, and appear happy and congenial. Something happened at this fest, where i had to leave, and my husband stayed. My younger son fell and gashed his head open. We had tried to stop the bleeding but it would not stop so I took my son to the emergency room, where he ended up getting a number of stitches to close the wound and stop the bleeding. I remember feeling annoyed that I had to leave, because I wanted to get through this awful feeling, and because of the belief that I held/ was projecting with this, that my husband was seeing me as not getting along socially, I wanted to “ prove” that this was not true, because I feared him rejecting me for not being buddies with the other community members which I determined as a picture show of a lot of demonstrative behavior such as hugging as acting all excited about meeting someone, or gushing smiles all over the place. I believed because I was not this character/presentation, that there was something wrong with me.

Here I was with this very heavy feeling, and i had to leave and not work it out, plus I had to carry these emotions that I had not worked out with me. I even remember being sightly annoyed with my son, because he had done this before. He was a very physical person, always moving his body, using all of it. very agile. Perhaps he was as overwhelmed with the scene as was I.

I have never been comfortable in crowded events. And yet, I have played in musical groups that make a lot of noise, lol. Obviously, the structure of a musical event I am more comfortable with, whereas a social event is unnerving to me because I have allowed it to appear to not have any structure. or, if I do see a structure, I suppress it, based on the same that creates the problem in the first place, having an idea within this context. I have an idea about how I should appear instead of just simply being here. If such has been going on for generations within each person, than social events must be unnerving for the majority of the population, because if we as humans were honest, self honest, then our outer physical world would not be in the present destructive state it is in, of which there is no denying, we need only look around, and it is time to look at what is here in total, and perhaps it is because of becoming an idea that one physical part is more than another, which ignores physical fact, and creates the feelings that I experienced, as inferiority, causing me to feel insecure and then fear the loss of position, which would be an outcome of a separation from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to measure myself as being less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this huge dark gloomy thought weighing me down is not based on practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I felt insecure based on a limited idea in and as my mind, instead of allowing myself to be practical within the situation of social interaction, where ironically, I participated in social groups working together in a very structured situation and as such directed myself, thus the answer was really right in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow an idea of being less than to become so huge within and as me, that I created my own separation from reality based on judgement within ideas instead of being equal to physical reality in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and really look at this memory, where I do not even look at the world around me, and within this, being annoyed that I have to leave and not sort this out, that I did not have the opportunity to move myself into the social scenario and interact with others and investigate how I felt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared being considered unsocial.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed the society around me, for a impractical self created belief of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea about what i should look like, as in exhibiting very demonstrative behaviors of running up to other woman and hugging them and acting like I was so glad to see them, many of whom at that time I saw on a daily basis, so such behavior was silly in such a situation and not something to measure behavior by.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame how I felt on the culture, on the differences in culture, when in fact i have felt the same way within my own culture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must appear ebullient in social settings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of indifference in social settings, being spiteful and arrogant to counteract an idea that I create that I should appear all smiley and happy and witty in social situations and if I do not , from one such event to the next than there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that under this current of insecurity that has no real substantiveness with practical physical reality, I have created a protection and defense layer of judgement as spite and blame to and towards the environment, using cultural definitions of behavior as to how one should look and behave, and personal behaviors where I select individual persons to gravitate to that I believe will alter the idea I have accepted and allowed as inferiority to turn this into a superiority image socially to justify equality that is as my mind limited and done in the self interest of a system of separation from common sense of  the physical being life, where equality was always the constant and it is/was myself that moved and separated from this practical fact of life on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look for confidence via judgements of objects and manner being more than and less than, all based on ideas as to how an object should look, and or, a person should exude in manner and dress as cultural ideas about what is a measure of more of this and or more of that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that such chains of belief are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a survival suit, developed over time, from day one, as the environment around me, which I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I go into a shortness of breath, I am no longer here, thus a shortness of breath, is myself going into anxiety, being anxious about my own survival, and since I live in a part of the world where social connections are huge and believed to be how one survives - of which all is based on illusion composed of limited values that are not necessarily all good or bad - my impulses are based on very petty ideas of what is more and what is less as survival within this hierarchy that is in itself in separation from practical physical, real life sustaining, reality.

When and as I sense myself becoming anxious, paying attention to my breath and the thoughts as back chat circulating in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the ghost in the machine as my mind consciousness system is just this, a ghost in a gift of life as my human physical body, that is a lesser directive based on a limited context that has been accepted and allowed as the humans on earth that are in total in separation from including all life as the value.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious within and as the movement of my breath, i slow myself down and I forgive the thoughts of insecurity via reminding myself I live on in a physical world that is as much life as myself, and that an idea of one thing being less than another is the separation from what is real, and as this that any thoughts of comparison towards another person or object is based on an idea, and that this idea does not define me unless I accept and allow this, as I can only be here practically in this moment.

When and as I find myself becoming tense in and as my breath, I slow myself down and I forgive the idea that one thing is more than another and I realize the practical nature of the physical world within and as form and function being respected as nature as the physical is in reality a magnificent mechanism for the expression of life.

When and as I find myself tensing up into using protection and defense, as opinions and ideas and beliefs, and as such my breath becoming short and uneven, I stop and I slow myself down and i breath,  and I forgive the positive and negative values about the objects and behaviors of others in my world, which I have used to lead me to a place of false comfort and  false confidence, instead of being practical here, realizing the physical world around me as being equal and one to and as me, and within this to not react to the same behaviors I have accepted and allowed within to affect me as this is played out in others, as it is the collective that has accepted and allowed the generations of separation as ideas made bigger than life that has as a collective, lead to a collective disrespect and thus destruction of the gift of life as the physical world as this earth.

When and as I find myself becoming short of breath, and heavy with thoughts as back chat in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I realize that this f-AL SE confidence and comfort would create that which I fear, as I am existing in judgement that ALL SEE. thus, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, from equality and oneness to and as the physical world.

When and as I find myself short of breath, I slow myself down and I breath, and I let go of a divisor in and as judgement of how something should appear to be  as a definition based on ideas, opinions and beliefs and I realize the mechanism of the physical world is the value that can be directed as life within as the principle of what is best for all, that the fAL SE confidence and comfort is myself in FEAR of life, for which I slow myself down and breath, until I become stable in principle as what is best for all.

Day 57 Turning away from the physical

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to run away from the ego of men,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the ego of men.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that I am now an adult and that my fears are based on childhood conditioning that I need no longer burden myself with in and as habit, as a habit I carry, as this is no longer necessary, as I am able to stand and face the being of a human, as life, and to apply the principle of oneness in equality here, within what is best for self is best for life, as what is real is this physical world, and not the alternate reality of a mind consciousness system of programmed roles habitual play in a system that develops “attitudes” believed to enable success within a system of profit that does not support life, does not realize that the value is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that whenever this feeling of physical comfort and desire comes up, I am in fact facing a habit of behavior, a “habit” of female subservience/ role play/personification of seeking emotional placating sympathy allowing a man to act the “knight in shining armor”/ helper/ manly man/ protector/ super hero/ big daddy/ show off/ rooster/ spiritual leader/ god head (lol)/  where I stop my self from being here and taking self responsibility, self honesty and interacting directly here in common sense with this physical world, as though I have some “blip” on some screen, as me, stopping my own physical oneness and equality common sense self here, where this “clinging/seeking/comfort/sympathy “blip” alternate reality has become an addictive need, and a picture show in and as my mind separating me from myself and causing me to develop personas to feed this desire that is in reality a blip on my life, where the blip has become greater than my self as life here, and the burden of this, the “entity” of this is consuming me and causing self disgust and self hatred as I abdicate myself as life,

Within this, I realize that the present system on earth places these constrictions to support a system of inequality, and separation from oneness and equality, uses these “habits” and “frocks” to bind the human to the needs of the “habits/frocks” to the point where the human becomes as the Barbie and Ken doll, the man being a personification of manly man-ness and the woman being the personification of the damself ( I meant to write damsel) in distress, where the man and the woman are not being here, one and equal to their human physical body in common sense of this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have probably missed many things in running to comfort and support because I had learned that one little surprise in my environment, of little frustration, of sudden unexpected change, of interaction that was my self learning to work and understand this physical world, as I developed a response of running for comfort, where later in life this came to be associated with sexual desire, and thus do I connect sexual desire to comfort from men, where men are not really seeking comfort but ejaculation, energy release, and the coupling of this with the fitting of an image onto this physical world, and are probably disgusted with themselves when the woman, the physical actual women, does not meet the alternate reality picture show in and as their minds, where they have become their “frocked” self as children, separate from this physical world, as being in common sense, just as much as I.

I forgive myself for not realizing that this entity/persona/presence bubble/projection is in fact what I was then as what I am now, that I endlessly repeat, as myself in separation from myself in common sense, sensing the world here, standing and facing, being one and equal to, this physical world, where as my self as life I stand and face what is here, I do not allow what is here to  cause the reaction within myself  as allowing  a state where I become overwhelmed/ frightened/ non-seeing/ self justifying of my non-accepting of what is physically here in liu of some idea, belief, opinion/ constricted self., where within this even the tiniest of movement within myself as fear i stop and I breath and I forgive the labels as voices and fears of the mind consciousness system and I bring myself here, I do not allow myself to use the past as experiences to judge what is here, actually physically here, where I hear/see/ realize the mind speaks in loops making a singularity into a endless novel experience in and as energy and thus consumes my self, separates me from this physical world, and like a vampire sucks the life out of my human physical body leading  to death and not myself becoming one and equal to life. 

I commit my self to realizing physically, inwardly whenever i have this “pull” this emotional directive that is a separation from myself within my human physical body, which will also have a quality of fear and a conscious front of desire for that initial reception from the initial shock, moment of non-looking moving towards receiving of a petting sympathy outplay, where this habit must be walked through and removed to bring myself back to this physical world, and within this to realize that any and all emotions of self pity, are only a mind tantrum of not getting a tangental energetic loop that has in fact become the prison of life the separation of life from accepting what is here, physically here.

I commit myself to realizing the patterns of my behavior and to take this bull (shit) by the horns and becoming a self direct physical equal to this unconditionally giving earth, to speak about, write about, make comments about a system that allows life to bloom on this earth, to realize heaven on earth, to allow every child born to become one and equal to this physical world, to work in tandem with this physical world, to support what is the value here on this earth, life.

I commit myself to revealing the absolute atrocity of a profit based system, where there in no argument available in common sense as to why there exists starvation on this earth, where there is no excuse as to why men are killing themselves, as to why people are disfiguring and eating other people, as to why animals are being placed in a caged life of disease - and of that matter why humans are being fed rotten diseased flesh, as to why presidents get funding from pill makers seeking profits and stand on platforms with a devil shit eating grin saying they are bringing universal health care to the populace when their donations are coming from the pill makers, pill makers who create anti depressants that are mostly fluoride, when it is known that Hitler used fluoride to placate the unwanted, within this the goal is to create sustained income for the few and therefor not about health as health is not profitable or enslaveable.

I commit myself to, through writing , self forgiveness, corrective application, removing emotional/feeling polarities of more than and less than past influence as judgment, of the devil and the angel on my shoulder, of a morality play, as an unsubstantial story inconsiderate of this physical earth, of any and all righteousness as turning myself into a salvation voice of demanding immediate understanding of what the human has become to bring myself back to breath and the deconstruction process of my self as a construct of habitual energy, to walk the equalizing of life on this planet to realize the value is life, and thus to bring heaven on earth so that life can begin.

Desteni

The process of the mind

Starvation in a Land of Plenty