Day 559 Reacting to the statement " too much reality." Self forgiveness

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to another when they react to too much reality, and as such move into  limited value instead of seeing the conflicting beliefs that are often different sides of the same coin, in a world where such exists as the expression of men at present, each not seeing realizing and understanding how the separation as the conflicts, are simply based on beliefs that one aspect of reality is more than another having made the mind as belief, larger than the life, as the physical on which it depends.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that responding to emotions and feelings  within and as giving direction again and again is all that there is, which is to speak about how the physical world works, the accepted forms of the present system of hierarchy held in place through judgement within polarities of good and bad, right and wrong,  where the “ right” is often a justification for a judgement of a “ wrong,” that are of division into a slow measure where the divisions are connected through endless associations of mixed dimensions, a busy work that build constructs that are believed to give meaning, and are really an abdication of practical common sense, where the gift of life, as the nature of life, is to use common sense to be here, to work with and be equal to, the physical as this is the way and the means, the very expression of and as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to to ask the question as to why a heaven existence would be separate from this physical existence, in and as not realizing that a physical existence of suffering, cannot be life, as one cannot be life when one is suffering because when one is lying in a bed dying, one is lying in a bed dying, which is not one in action developing potential, seeing directly what is here, as one is too busy suffering, thus of course, earth is a containment, where those who did not stand equal and one to and as themselves as life, are collected, to live the consequence of their separation from and as what they are composed of and as, which is life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear speaking up in common sense, where I have used simple words, and used them again, and not taking the time to see, realize and understand that they must be said again and again and again, probably as many times as our present advertising world has touted misinformation until it was believed to be what is real, when it is not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that having to listen to the rant of the mind, which is a self in separation from practical reality, is tedious.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take it personally when a simple directive is repeated and yet unheard, as the mind will, like an addiction to alcohol, seek that which validates it and as such will feel as though it is not getting its fix, and as such will react, thus, when and as I find myself wondering how long I am supposed to take the storm of separation in and as the mind, I stop and I breath, as this is becoming a want, in and as wanting something to end, where I stop listening and become that which I resist, and to see, realize and understand that there is a point where one walks away, as the rant of the mind, is unacceptable, thus it is to, once again, use common sense and realize when and as I go into hoping for a change.

When and as I find myself becoming frustrated I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down.

When and as I find myself beginning to search for another way of saying something, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, then I remember myself to and as the principle of what is best for all, to see, realize and understand the best possible outcome and take that which is good, and does no harm, and stand as what can withstand the test of time, as what can remain the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

When and as I find myself searching for words, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I look at how I am accepting and allowing myself to become confused, as in searching for words, for example, that I believe within a morality are polite, are socially acceptable, and I see realize and understand that I am looking for a measure that will appear to be non-confrontational, and realize that this in itself is a separation into an idea, thus I stop, and I stand within how human beings have abdicated their own common sense of practical reality, that which is the way and the means of life, which can be investigated by each and every human, where one must, eventually make a decision within common sense of practical physical reality, to birth self into and as life, as this is the only choice, one that no one can make for another, and no amount of research done by another can answer this being of self in common sense here, as self must take this upon self to become equal and one to and as life here, and since there is so much disinformation and misinformation that has been accepted and allowed, there is no one to do this for any one of us, as each must stop, and do this as this is the only way to life, here, and yet, the practical reality, as the gift of life, is right here in front of us, showing the way and the means to life.

Day 479 Watching Autism in My World. What is Mind Consciousness?

I sat with an autistic boy this week and worked with him. I had to sit very close to him, and because I have had some experience with Autism, that being physically close to the child can be disturbing to the autistic child, I stopped for a moment and said to the autistic child, that I would probably touch them to 1. remind them to sit up straight and 2. because I was in such close proximity to them. They immediately said that I could not touch them. So, I said, okay, how about this, on a scale from one to ten, and I asked for their hand, which they did not give, so I went on, and showed them with my own hands gaging what I wanted to show, is it okay if I touch you with a “ two intensity.” Immediately, before I even finished what I was saying, their hand was right there  on mine, a very directive action, and they showed me the intensity with which I could “ touch” them, because I was sitting very close and working with them. That touch was so directed, so steady, so clear. As I worked with this person, I noticed that if my shoulder brushed theirs, for example, they would immediately reach up and touch themselves where this happened. And I realized I was being overly careful and hesitant. I did not have that very direct “ touch” as physical connection in a moment when working with someone in close proximity that that person showed me. It is hard to explain how “ here” that touch was, but it was not hesitant in any way. And yet within this, what I realized within this one movement, so directed, that this autistic person had the ability to connect in common sense with this physical world, despite the constant voice of positive reinforcement statements coming out in a timed and conssitent manner, which is probably what this boy had heard all his life, to ostensively “ keep them going,” like giving a “ positive” as a directive instead of a direction that was bringing connection to common sense here within building something within this anxious person that was directive, equal to awareness and understanding of physical reality.

I say this, because within working with this boy, I remember watching my twin sister’s autistic son, my nephew, grow from infancy into a preteen.

I remember having the impression, that the behavior of my nephew was a display of all the anxiety of my sister, and my parents in many ways. It was like seeing the physical twitches and emotional duress of my parents and sister compounded. I also remember not saying anything because to look this way is considered “ unpositive” “ impolite” like drawing attention to what is “ bad” is not allowed. I mean we all do this, we romanticize the movements of ourselves and make them huge, to push away the “ bad” the constriction, the frustrated expression, instead of looking at the movement of what is happening in detail, which is right there in front of us. I mean, I was seeing the unconscious fears as judgements being exhibited by my nephew and somehow realizing what was happening and I was my own limitation based on beliefs of what is socially acceptable to be expressed. And I remember feeling trapped, within this, like I could not say what I wanted to say, because I had not learned to stand stable within what I was seeing, I had allowed the separation, as mind to be the only conduit of communication, and I could not find a way to fit what I sensed. In effect, I was the same as that autistic child, only but a different configuration ( and I am not saying that I understood all the details at the time, as having the structure immediately at hand to explain myself into an explanation with my sister). I remember standing there staring at this compounded neurosis of my family, and thinking this was of consequence and not a “ disease” so to speak as an idea. In any event, working with this boy brought all of this back.

And even here, the years I watched this in my nephew, were the years directly after the death of my husband, a time where I was what I considered numb for about five years, which research shows that “ tragedy” can have an impact for five years or so. So, here I was, numb, and sometimes even saying to myself and asking others, “ I have a problem, I am indifferent to so much of what is going on.” And I think that it was in this state that such things as looking at my nephew from a “ daze” of indifference, of having nothing defining me because I had lost what was defining me, that I had moments of just accepting what was here, as the total of what has been accepted and allowed by men as mind, as limited values made bigger than life, and as such turned into a reality that is metaphysical, superstitious, imposed on what is real, which is physical reality. And, even here, there was a move to “ care” and resolve this.  I could not accept what was here, and within this I could not exactly explain what was here, and I had to find out, what was going on, and so I found desteni. It is like they are explaining what I sensed, in my state of indifference. And even here, it took me some time, and is a continual process, of not allowing this experience to become an idea, a directive, a self definition. What needs be done in the end, is correct the separation, bring it back to equality as equal movement with physical reality, as in including physical reality as being as much life as the human, all of it. It is to be a direct movement with the physical, here.

Within this, to realize that an autistic child, underneath all the chaos of compounded generational separation into idea before life - which is movement equal and one in consideration with physical existence, is life. The life as the natural expression of the child  is there, the mind as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, is not equal to physical reality, and yet because that child exists, and as such is the substance of life, that child can be walked back into alignment with common sense. it is there, underneath the spinning information, manifest as nervous ticks and programmed words of what is essentially hope on the part of the parents as statements of “ positive reinforcement” as “ I am an ace” or similar,  which in total, is the informing as an idea of good, without any practical application as giving structure to the child to enable them to direct in common sense, here. This action is in the realm of doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome. A snake eating its own tale/tail.

And, because all those impulsed ideas of good are reverberating with as the mind of the child, as the program as sound as the parents hoping, to change this is going to take patience, and yet this can be done.

When learning something new, and I have done this many times in teaching children to play the violin, and as myself, one has to slow down and practice focusing here, looking past the voices in the head, and see directly here, each movement in detail. To start this, there is a lot of resistance naturally, because one is going against a constructed belief system as mind in a busy world where parents do not have the time to slow down, because they were born into the same situation that had a starting point of not being equal in understanding of physical reality in detail. So, slowing down will be met with resistance. Yet, this simply need be walked, and slowly built, and once moving, will begin to exponentially move forward. Remember learning something, even a new language, the beginning is really slow, almost painful, and then as the words accumulate one starts to move faster, and then after a while if one keeps going, it is easier to remember more words, and eventually the language is learned, and it begins to be fun to speak. Thus, changing oneself, one step at a time is possible, and because this change is possible, this means we as humans are very mutable, and with structure we can change, we need only walk past the resistance as what is the construct we have accepted as mind.

Our autistic children are really a gift in many ways, because they are showing us the degree of separation from ourselves as being life, as being the very substance and source of creation as life, that is able to form in equality to and with physical existence, to include all life here. That, changing our state as a constitution as mind, simply means walking/moving in equalizing ourselves in common sense to reality, realizing that slowing down will be met with resistance but with persistence redirection, in this case to become equal in understanding, can be done. What may seem like a mountain, is not a mountain, what may seem painful is simply resistance - and this is but a thin veil as standing before a movement and bringing it back into a self directed stability with the physical world, which means accepting and including all life.

So, humans have structure through sound, through words. If our children have a broad vocabulary, that has absolute values, without emotional/feeling values as a fear of loss as a threat as an idea as a gloom and doom “ what if” or a positive idea as a “ good” being used to substantiate a child, then the child becomes this idea instead of being equal in detailed movement with what is physically real, as we cannot live without physical needs and we cannot direct ourselves unless we are equal to understanding the actual physical world, because we are physical beings. Thus, a child not having words that are many and of clear meaning, the ability of the child to direct is limited and stagnant. And with ideas of good and bad, the child falls into this instead of equal connection to what is real in total, meaning what includes all that is here, all that exists.

Within this, as parents are so busy with an ideological world, a hierarchy, and trying to survive within this, and overwhelmed with a dialogue as ideas, as good and bad, taking the time to realize this consequence of separation is very difficult, as this slowing down is met with resistance emotionally. So, the parent can use technology, that which we have externalized as our innate abilities, to aid in building structure within the child, to still the limitations of good and bad, into and as equal understanding and thus self directive capacity to moving with and equal to what is us as the venue of physical existence which is what allows us expression as life. I am sure that many parents of autistic children, realize the life that is the unique expression of their child, and somehow, the disconnect of that being expressed is frustrating, but it can be done and it is only a process of taking the steps to structure the child into having the words with absolute values to stabilize within a common sense as a direct seeing of physical reality. And, that this is not as difficult as one may believe. If a process exists, it can be walked.

Just as learning to play the violin is taking the measure of becoming equal physically to it and how it functions, without judgement of good and bad, so too can a child, an adult, become equal and one in thought, word and deed, as the words we know without added values, but absolute values, can we, and our children equalize in common sense of what is around us, as the physical, as this is what is right in front of us, as life, and as this, this is what is real. Then can we, as that autistic child become a direction of absolute purpose with every breath, instead of tiny moments of some measure of clear communication buried in a sea of behaviors that are instead a measure as idea of good or bad.

Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have an inner tantrum  where the voice in my head is criticizing my son for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed with my son for  spending time and money on smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn this into this emotion of being generally annoyed at my son because he for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for then, seeing everything he does as being annoying.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to slowly build this big energetic presence of annoyance towards my son which will end up in a big “blow out.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all I can do is continue to reveal the effects of pot and slowly get this into his “head” that smoking pot is not in any way solving that which is causing him to want to escape from the world into a zombie state of inaction, and that the solution is to face what he considers a “problem” in and as himself, become responsible and direct himself.

Within myself, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel as though I am failure because I have not managed to stop my son from smoking pot, as pot is ubiquitous within my society, to the point where mothers and fathers I know smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt like a prude because I do not smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that my son is now 19 years old, and must  begin to realize his own actions as “his” actions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about what will become of my son if he keeps smoking pot.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what I can do, is speak up, and model the walking of myself into and as oneness in equality with what is real, the physical, where he will either take the words I speak, like a seed planted to be used, or he will choose to take the road of consequence, regardless, he will eventually realize himself as life, the play-out is in his hands.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be reactive about my son’s pot smoking, taking this personally as though I am not clear enough, or aggressive enough, when I have tried many tactics, and that perhaps the cumulation of all of this will eventually have an effect, as we are organic robots, and what is placed within us is what we become, unless we stand and become our own directive principle of oneness in equality, which is myself directing myself in and as life, and not as the values so obviously presented and limited within out society through media and family, values of more than and less than, where the color of someone’s skin determines their value, when they are obviously one and the same, especially in a world where it is known that education determines a person’s ability to be successful in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be embarrassed that my son is smoking pot, and to claim I do not know where this comes from, as I never enjoyed pot and thus was never inclined to us this, yet in high school it was everywhere, and at the time, I tried to hide the fact that I did not enjoy pot, as it made me unable to socialize because all I wanted to do was stare at the stars, or at a crumb on the sidewalk where the after experience of any kind of revelation remained unknown and I had no idea what was going on socially  , so smoking pot made me unable to participate socially, which is actually what is happening with my son as he is avoiding facing himself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spend time wondering why I did not end up smoking pot, and why my son is smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed that my son, who has had an education and done well on tests, has had so much education and opportunity, and yet he is smoking pot and - yes- masterbating, which is actually considered the norm these days, thus all I can do is speak up, again and again, and use how children are programmed, through speaking directives that he will either chose to realize or not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that there are times when he has come to me to complain and I just look at him, and he suddenly realizes that he is being an emotion and feeling of infinite design.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pull back in silence , when he becomes short tempered and exhibits anger, which I must learn to face without emotional reactions of frustration in and as myself, as all there is is the principle of oneness in equality, as he is me and I am him.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, and see the reactions of anger and rejection, as storms in teacups, as tantrums, where blame and spite will not resolve the separations into and as singular beingness as emotion and feelings based on fear and uncertainty, as my son has admitted that he is very afraid of this world, which is, being common sense because this world is a world of inequality, where life is not the value considered, as what is the actions of men is that of survival, as money determines who lives and who dies, and is used by the few to grab all resources for their own self interested benefit, as they as my son -who is a product of this abusive system- are one and the same, lost in a mind of separation into parts having become walking picture screens of memories, following values as emotions and feelings and thoughts that are inconsiderate of their own oneness and equality in and as life, as what is here, as what is constant and the source of what is is that they are in fact, that which has been used to create an alternate reality in and as mind as this was believed to be an existence of more than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that worry, annoyance and frustration with my son is not the solution, and that perhaps he is simply showing me my own resistances as what I am accepting and allowing.

I commit myself to no longer seeing resistance as a mountain to walk over.

I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to make a mountain out of a tantrum, and to breath and to, within breath, see the problem as simple, and to take responsibility and direct myself within this as the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to letting go of tantrums and to realize that if I allow my emotions and feelings to become big, I am actually making a mountain out of something small.

I commit myself to using breath, to bring myself back to myself as life, and to slow down until I can realize what the emotion, feeling and thought, as a character, based on a belief of more than and or potential loss of this supposed more than, as a memory/experience based on my past as what I have been taught to survive within a system that does not support life, and I realize this separation into and as energy and I stop and I direct myself within what is best for all.

I commit myself to stepping out of myself as the mother character of worrying about the future of her son.

I realize that being worry about the future of my son, as his mother, is non-directive within the principle of what is best for all, and that my son will face difficulties as the present system on earth does not support life, but uses what is here to support a system of inequality, a system of survival, where nothing is truly allowed to be developed and all the resource of this earth is to serve the self interest of a few, where the few with the control are also not developing themselves as life, as they spend all their time pulling the levers behind the curtain of separation between the haves and the have nots.

I commit myself to realizing that how this system currently exists will only cause emotions of frustration if I accept and allow this, as what is here is a system that must be walked through and cleaned up to support all life, where this begins with myself becoming myself as life, in and as the directive principle of oneness in equality, where all that is here is realized to be one and equal to myself, where  all emotional separation- as this is what emotion is - can be directed “back” to itself as life and not become a consequence as the illusion existing as a separation from life as an energetic smoke screen of emotions and feelings that are cultivated by a profit based system of greed to maintain ignorance of self as life from being here, all of which has been created by each and every one of us, and accepted and allowed by each and every one of us.

Life Review

Self Awareness Steps for the Elite

Consciousness- Children: Birth and Abuse

Artwork by Andrew Gable

Day 57 Turning away from the physical

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to run away from the ego of men,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the ego of men.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that I am now an adult and that my fears are based on childhood conditioning that I need no longer burden myself with in and as habit, as a habit I carry, as this is no longer necessary, as I am able to stand and face the being of a human, as life, and to apply the principle of oneness in equality here, within what is best for self is best for life, as what is real is this physical world, and not the alternate reality of a mind consciousness system of programmed roles habitual play in a system that develops “attitudes” believed to enable success within a system of profit that does not support life, does not realize that the value is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that whenever this feeling of physical comfort and desire comes up, I am in fact facing a habit of behavior, a “habit” of female subservience/ role play/personification of seeking emotional placating sympathy allowing a man to act the “knight in shining armor”/ helper/ manly man/ protector/ super hero/ big daddy/ show off/ rooster/ spiritual leader/ god head (lol)/  where I stop my self from being here and taking self responsibility, self honesty and interacting directly here in common sense with this physical world, as though I have some “blip” on some screen, as me, stopping my own physical oneness and equality common sense self here, where this “clinging/seeking/comfort/sympathy “blip” alternate reality has become an addictive need, and a picture show in and as my mind separating me from myself and causing me to develop personas to feed this desire that is in reality a blip on my life, where the blip has become greater than my self as life here, and the burden of this, the “entity” of this is consuming me and causing self disgust and self hatred as I abdicate myself as life,

Within this, I realize that the present system on earth places these constrictions to support a system of inequality, and separation from oneness and equality, uses these “habits” and “frocks” to bind the human to the needs of the “habits/frocks” to the point where the human becomes as the Barbie and Ken doll, the man being a personification of manly man-ness and the woman being the personification of the damself ( I meant to write damsel) in distress, where the man and the woman are not being here, one and equal to their human physical body in common sense of this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have probably missed many things in running to comfort and support because I had learned that one little surprise in my environment, of little frustration, of sudden unexpected change, of interaction that was my self learning to work and understand this physical world, as I developed a response of running for comfort, where later in life this came to be associated with sexual desire, and thus do I connect sexual desire to comfort from men, where men are not really seeking comfort but ejaculation, energy release, and the coupling of this with the fitting of an image onto this physical world, and are probably disgusted with themselves when the woman, the physical actual women, does not meet the alternate reality picture show in and as their minds, where they have become their “frocked” self as children, separate from this physical world, as being in common sense, just as much as I.

I forgive myself for not realizing that this entity/persona/presence bubble/projection is in fact what I was then as what I am now, that I endlessly repeat, as myself in separation from myself in common sense, sensing the world here, standing and facing, being one and equal to, this physical world, where as my self as life I stand and face what is here, I do not allow what is here to  cause the reaction within myself  as allowing  a state where I become overwhelmed/ frightened/ non-seeing/ self justifying of my non-accepting of what is physically here in liu of some idea, belief, opinion/ constricted self., where within this even the tiniest of movement within myself as fear i stop and I breath and I forgive the labels as voices and fears of the mind consciousness system and I bring myself here, I do not allow myself to use the past as experiences to judge what is here, actually physically here, where I hear/see/ realize the mind speaks in loops making a singularity into a endless novel experience in and as energy and thus consumes my self, separates me from this physical world, and like a vampire sucks the life out of my human physical body leading  to death and not myself becoming one and equal to life. 

I commit my self to realizing physically, inwardly whenever i have this “pull” this emotional directive that is a separation from myself within my human physical body, which will also have a quality of fear and a conscious front of desire for that initial reception from the initial shock, moment of non-looking moving towards receiving of a petting sympathy outplay, where this habit must be walked through and removed to bring myself back to this physical world, and within this to realize that any and all emotions of self pity, are only a mind tantrum of not getting a tangental energetic loop that has in fact become the prison of life the separation of life from accepting what is here, physically here.

I commit myself to realizing the patterns of my behavior and to take this bull (shit) by the horns and becoming a self direct physical equal to this unconditionally giving earth, to speak about, write about, make comments about a system that allows life to bloom on this earth, to realize heaven on earth, to allow every child born to become one and equal to this physical world, to work in tandem with this physical world, to support what is the value here on this earth, life.

I commit myself to revealing the absolute atrocity of a profit based system, where there in no argument available in common sense as to why there exists starvation on this earth, where there is no excuse as to why men are killing themselves, as to why people are disfiguring and eating other people, as to why animals are being placed in a caged life of disease - and of that matter why humans are being fed rotten diseased flesh, as to why presidents get funding from pill makers seeking profits and stand on platforms with a devil shit eating grin saying they are bringing universal health care to the populace when their donations are coming from the pill makers, pill makers who create anti depressants that are mostly fluoride, when it is known that Hitler used fluoride to placate the unwanted, within this the goal is to create sustained income for the few and therefor not about health as health is not profitable or enslaveable.

I commit myself to, through writing , self forgiveness, corrective application, removing emotional/feeling polarities of more than and less than past influence as judgment, of the devil and the angel on my shoulder, of a morality play, as an unsubstantial story inconsiderate of this physical earth, of any and all righteousness as turning myself into a salvation voice of demanding immediate understanding of what the human has become to bring myself back to breath and the deconstruction process of my self as a construct of habitual energy, to walk the equalizing of life on this planet to realize the value is life, and thus to bring heaven on earth so that life can begin.

Desteni

The process of the mind

Starvation in a Land of Plenty