Day 662 Moving from mind consciousness to presence here, forgiving the stim of limitation.

I was out walking this morning, when I could see how I funneled myself into ideas, beliefs and opinions. Like I take the very focus of and as me  and force it into a measure, like a construct of values within a creation as an image.

There is this memory of a fear of not fitting in, not reaching others, not getting through, not having interaction.  A sense that I am not seen, as a reaction to reaching the people in my world.

As a child, considering the existent mind consciousness, did I have to catch up to the train of the mind, and focus my beingness equal and one to the measure as the means of communication with the adults around me?  Did I have to enter the storm of the mind to reach through the focus of another? Probably. Did this ‘ hurt’ in a way, or did I allow it to ‘ hurt’ me in a way” Did I see this as a bully on my presence? And yet, did I see this as a means to an end, where I as a child started to read a lot?

Did I become fearful in my attempts to match the measure of belief that motivated the actions of the adults in my world? Did I get caught up in the fragmented mind/value/system forgetting the original goal? Did the information I allowed become an excitement in a desire to reach a goal that was in itself limited and forgetful of considering all things to realize what was of equal value to life as the physical around me? Did I also enjoy the process of creation that is inherent even when a limited form/construct is the outcome?

Am I so used to following knowledge and information that to move from this to the information of life as the physical means abandoning the measure of information I have accepted and allowed to direct me? Am I so used to what is 1% of my capacity that leaving that limited awareness, a comfort zone, appears to be a loss, and the fear of standing outside this socially means causing friction to and towards a collective limitation? If I focus only on the lack, where do I end up? I cannot blame or spite the lack, that leads to further fragmentation. Hence I can only focus myself here, accepting the life that is around me as the physical.

I have the space and the time here, to investigate and understand the physical world around me, where there is no place to fall, as falling will only move into the nothing that is the everything, the darkness that is the light, the very substance of creation, always here, the most gentle of all things, the most forgiving of all things, the potential of all things, right here, thus I can forgive myself for all things as this is the expression of creation. I need not fear any bully of information, as change involves by nature transformation which is forgiving, as forgiving is returning to nothing that is everything. I am here. 

Thus in every breath, I forgive myself to here, to assessing what is here, realizing it cannot define me in the next moment, and as this there need be no despair, no fear of loss as the nature of creation is change, fluid, constant. I can focus here, let go the mind only consciousness, as accepted and allowed information, taking that which is good and does no harm, to return myself in every breath to that which is gentle, present, nothing and everything.

I slow myself down to realize my own measure of stimming myself into a limited expression. tensing myself, forcing myself , bullying myself into an inner mind consciousness in separation from respect of all things, taking that which is good and does not harm. I am here. I am life. I choose equality and oneness with and as life, as this is what I am here.

Day 607 Mindfulness follow through into writing out thoughts, self forgiveness and corrective application.

I listened to a talk about a practice of ‘ mindfulness.’ This is where a person slows down and breathes as thoughts come up in their head. It is to realize that the thoughts coming up in one’s head are not who one is.

This was likened to a globe filled with water and something that looked like snow, one of those globes that one shakes and watches the snowy looking substance fly around, creating a mini snow storm in a bubble of glass that is what the mind is as thoughts. The act of breathing is the practice of ‘ mindfulness, “  to slow down and remain in the breath, until the snow settles, allowing one to ground oneself here and not react as the thoughts that are analogous to the flying snow. 

Evidently this works better with children up to the seventh grade, I believe. One practice is to take the index finger from one hand and trace the outline of the other hand while breathing, which is a practice of physically grounding oneself here, and thereby distracting one from the thoughts that may lead to an action based on the thought that when acted upon becomes what defines one, because one has to then face the consequences of one’s thoughts acted upon in real time. 

I have to ask the question here as to why this is not as successful with older students? Of course, prevention is the best cure, and teaching this act of slowing down and breathing , grounding oneself here, allows the space and time to realize that one’s thoughts must not be what one becomes in action.  If our minds working as thoughts become much like the globe analogy, why is this practice not as effective with older students? Do we over time become a constant snow storm, as the thoughts become the directive of who we are, when allowed to remain without being cleared overall? Meaning do our thoughts, when not cleared, become who we are? This would mean that humans are programmed by what they think.

Does our media teach us to think in ways that teach direction in this world that brings us no harm? And are we taught to chase false positives that do not tell the whole story, and lead us down a path where we chase the dream, the limitation of an only part of reality, to find that so many things were not considered and that dream becomes clouded by having to learn the details of living that were never taught?

Even this practice of mindfulness, though a good I thoroughly support, is not enough. That ‘ snow’ has to be cleaned up, because that snow is as snow does, it is crystalized thought, which is our beliefs, our opinions, and our ideas, accumulated from an environment that is in separation from practical living, from reality, That snow is - so to speak- the partial story of existence made huge, so much so that it becomes a square peg forced into a round whole, meaning that the partial story is a limited story, that is not equal to practical reality, and because it is not equal, it is too large to fit into the cells, it programs a human who does not fit into practical living and the consequences of this cause a human  body to act in mis-informed ways, causing a dis-association from actual living, leading to existential problems because of processing limited information that does not dignify the human, and thus suppresses the full potential of each man on the ground. Who are we to blame? We cannot blame anyone but ourselves because we accepted it.

Our schools and our lives have become a regiment of separation from practical reality. Our children do not have the time, and the space to slow down and ‘ read’ practical reality, thereby building an awareness within that has practical ability in living in common sense, which is being in communion with life as the physical. A sense is of hyper-sexuality, of wanting fame without understanding the steps necessary for development and the joy in building this development. They have no sense of nature, of where what they eat comes from and what happens with the ingredients as the waste from what we eat moves into the physical natural world around us. They are not taught that they have a natural learning ability, and that learning the words and the numbers is simply learning a code of communication that is how humans communicate, and that one must have the exposure to this, and the time, the space to understand it, and that we can all learn this if given the time, and that therefor, we are all the same in how we learn, but different in our expressions as some have an interest in this, and others in that.

The consequence of this is a manifested financial system mirroring this state within, that rewards only a few and punishes lack without addressing what is already known, that humans become what they are exposed to. This understanding that humans become what they are exposed to is used in self interest for a few as well, to maintain power and control. And this control is an illusion, because it abuses life to play a game that is in itself a separation from life. So, the few are the extremes that model what each is allowing as thoughts. One could say the few are simply protecting themselves from those who have accepted and allowed thoughts that are oneself not investigating and looking at the whole and the parts. The means to realize this are here, always right in front of each of us, so the blame for what we allow and act upon, is within ourselves.

Our thoughts are what we believe, and if our thoughts are not considerate of all things, taking the time to investigate reality, then what actions we take based on what we have accepted ourselves to believe, are the fault of what we have allowed ourselves to see and to not see, because we chose self interest over life. The other extreme end of this, are those who are starving as a consequence of this system that mimics this self interest before life. If one owns a car, and has a table and bed to sleep in, then one is the elite of this world. One has the responsibility to breath, to slow down and look at one’s thoughts and how they were formed and the value judgements they contain, and to forgive them and self correct through writing, self forgiveness and corrective application, as this is how that snow in the bubble of our minds, our buy-bill , can be cleared and structurally grounded back into life here, as this earth is life information. In other words, the water in that bubble, must be clear, because this is a clear memory, this is a mind as thoughts that sees directly here, and thus is equal and one to life as this is respecting the physical world that is the means of life.

Day 520 Self Corrections on Cross Purpose

When and as I find myself believing that something outside of me defines me, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that I am here, that I am on a physical planet, that is creation, and as such is the expression in and as life, and as such nothing can define me, but what i am here, in all common sense.

When and as I find myself becoming uncertain, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that I can only be what I am here, that nothing defines me but what I accept and allow, thus, the cultural past composed of ideas about the traditions that are not even understood or that no longer fit into what is here, and or were in limitation as a starting point from being one and equal to physical creation, do not define myself here, as what is here, as the physical is what enables the existence of myself here, and as such is life, is how I can be what I am here, so no ideology can define me here but what i am in practical common sense as the physical.

When and as I find myself watching a movie, for example, and have a thought that something is stupid, I stop and I breath, and I bring myself here and I slow myself down, and I realize that anything that has to do  with hierarchy is a separation from practical reality, and as such is based on ideological judgements that believe that one value of what is here is more than another, which makes no sense on an interconnected physical planet.

When and as I find myself being uncertain, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that when I allow myself to accept what is judgement that is a belief in inequality, that has caused suppression and disrespect for the physical as life, I slow myself down, and I simply say, we live on a physical planet, where physical objects move from one place to another and or transforms, of which much is known, that what is here is a structure that can be seen, realized and understood, thus the present economic system makes no sense, and is a crime against life, here.

When and as I find myself not wanting to look here, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I place myself here, I remain vigilant within and as me, to look here, no matter what, with every step, to be in respect of physical existence here, and to realize the ideas of more than and less than as a mind consciousness system cannot define me, unless I accept and allow this.

When and as I find myself reacting towards an idea instead of moving directly into solution, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that there is only here.

When and as I find myself becoming loopy, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I look here, becoming practical without judgement of a physical thing being good or bad, right or wrong, more than or less than, and see realize and understand through thought, word and deed, what is best for all, as in what would be the measure of common sense leading to a self directive capacity within the big and the small, the immediate and the consequential as best as I am able, and within this to see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a mis-take, and that insight is developed as one moves within and as the magic being life, which is the act of doing within the principle of what is best for all is best for self, here, which behaviorally needs no rush, no desire, want and need for gain, as I remain here, equal and one in respect for and as life, here, stable, constant, facing the fear that is simply a separation from equality and oneness as and with the physical world.

When and as I find myself in friction and conflict , in and as a physical sense within my chest of being at cross purposes with myself and as such with the world that is me in another life, that is all around me as the physical composed of the substance of life, that is the darkness that is the light, I stop and I breath, and i slow myself way down, until I am stable, until I am breathing more at ease, as much as I am able within the process of the journey to life, and I bring myself here, and I look directly as what is physically here, with a vigil that is myself equalizing myself to life, here, and I look at the self accepted belief structures within that are built of ideological beliefs, that I have used to define me, or allow to define me, and I sort them out through self forgiveness and I bring them back to self, and use my self as life, equal and one in common sense of the physical world, and I become the functional purpose as the directive of myself here, as much as I am able, seeing realizing and understanding that I am in effect placing myself within the measure of what is best for all, to no longer allow myself to divide from myself as life.

When and as I find myself facing a cross purpose, as ideological friction and conflict of oneness and equality, as a fear of loss as an ideal, or a desire for gain as a want, need and desire, as a projection as a belief that has been allowed to define, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I take in an understanding of the cross purpose, until I understand the measure of uncertainty, instability, lack of structural purpose/ functional purpose and I walk, as much as I am able, and breath, aligning myself with the silence, to hear and listen and apply common sense to diverge into a self directive functional purpose within the principle of what is best for all, here.

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• Day 519 Cross Purposes - Journey to Life

Day 510 Blaming myself and realizing there is no quick fix. Self Forgiveness and Corrective Application

I am looking at two past events, where I was told that my words were not the right ones to use, and another event where i was told that my words were not to be listened to because I was brainwashed, which means what I was saying as words, as tactics, was disruptive.

Within this, I notice a huge self blame moving within me.  And a self righteousness. 

And then a memory comes up of my parents arguing. They are throwing words at one another, and then they suddenly turn to me, and I look at them and say, " you are both saying the same thing, but using different words." This was not what they wanted to hear, and thus, just went back to arguing. 

So, this last time as the words of blame came towards me, I still reacted, but was able to some extent, see my reaction, and just slow down. Within this, I realize I still want to react in protection and self defense and push back in blaming the other for not understanding. I also feel inferior because perhaps it is me, I don't know how to speak, or so I believe. I take the reaction of the other as a threat. I am not immediately understood, and if we look at our present consumerist/entertainment/ all -manner-of-drugs society, we have accustomed ourselves to immediate fixes. Even our medical system is known to stop a symptom but not to address what would cure long term. 

So, if I am busy being this emotionally within, how can I slow down and look at what is built as the words used, and begin to move them, into understanding? To realize tactics towards  problem, solution and thus reward. I am not addressing what might or might not be an explanation that is clear, instead I am protecting myself from accusation that is in itself not slowing down and equalizing understanding. Within this, there is only here, being equal to what is that which enables existence, which is physical reality, thus solution can only be that which does no harm, that which is what is best.In this one can only communicate and reach understanding in physical practical ways, realizing that there is no magical thinking that can solve, only step by step practical movement into equal understanding of how the physical world functions and this, in ways that take that which is good and does not harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself., to become self blame

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear making a mistake.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I cannot be understood.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that  blame is self not wanting to change, which means blame is self not wanting to accept self as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being considered less than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a less than, there is only solution within and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see ,realize and understand that because of accepting and allowing blame, " less than's " have become an accepted paranormal behavior on earth, as there is only, equality and oneness to that which is the composition of life, which is the physical world, as the physical is the formation of life and as such must be respected as life, as a respect is only doing that which does no harm, and taking that which is good.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that animals do not overwhelm the earth, they work in tandem, as nature balancing themselves out in ways that maintain life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I alone cannot convince another person of life, as they must investigate what is here to see, realize and understand what is here on earth within the totality of creation, and asking one person to explain life is self wanting a quick fix, thus the solution is to walk self equal and one in understanding life in totality, as this is common sense.

When and as I find myself wanting to blame, reacting in righteousness as protection and self defense, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that in one aspect, while I remained calm, I explained in more than one way, and because I am showing a process, I get all manner of reactions from ego, and then I try and explain, and the resistance comes up as the mind of limitation, of knowledge and information trying to build an understanding as mind, which is impossible, and thus it is to remain in simplicity, in what will as a singular action, bring self into equality and oneness with and as life, which means being aware of how this physical world is moving as a system in separation at present, from life, here.

When and as I find myself reacting in self blame, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I remain here, in walking myself equal and one to and with realizing a practical application of walking into equality and oneness to and as life, here.

When and as I find myself blaming myself here, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I focus on the movement as the moment in front of me, and I practice walking equal and one as what is best for all, as what supports all life as that which is good and does no harm, here.

Day 486 Is our ability to sense the fabric of here suppressed? How do we read?

Sight reading (Photo credit: discopalace)

We need to read much faster, process at our natural ability to process just as I could read musical notes at seventeen, so should I have read words to see and realize the patterns of the words, the form of them just as I noticed forms of music, so I can see that lack of development that is going on, and realize that the inability of people to read must be designed to be such, because it is known and practiced differently in other areas of development. We are distracted from the very fabric of here, through impulse of limited design. Really an avoidance tactic within each that has manifested without.

And I have not wanted to say this because of fear that this will be considered some kind of conspiracy, but the fact is, is that humans can process symbols at greater speeds than the majority are taught to process them at. So, this really is a crime against life. A form of suppression is to slow down conceptual ability and occupy with less dimension, we call this being superficial. A facade of limited parts.

I would not consider myself as more intelligent than another, and not stupid either, because when I have taken the time to learn something eventually I learn it, because that’s what a human can do!

Thus, the ability of men to read is deliberately being diminished. Just look at what we are  capable of seeing when we look, we look out at nature and we can see the shapes of the world and we can process this, and we can learn to read this, the ability of us, just as with animals is to see what is before us, we just need to look.

So, we have a society that feeds numerous images at us. If we look at the content of these images we can see that they are very very very limited, and that there is all this drama around them in the form of music and the rhythm at which the images flash, all of this a stimulation. How is this done, with tempo, with colors, with music, and buried within all this fan fare is a very limited set of signs as pictures. So one could say that the language presented, if we see pictures as language - in some respect a compound one- our language has become of few symbols and though the speed appears to present more, the content is less.

If we had the time to stand back we would see the patterns and how these patterns begin to turn us into automatons of limited knowledge and information.

And yet, by the time I was seventeen I could sight read many many many notes at a time, and within this read tempo and texture as adding percussive elements, and see rise and fall of phrase and as such shape. And even here, I started later than many, those who started at two years of age who could do what I did at seventeen at say seven. Which means that so many are denied this capacity, and as we see in our schools and what media impulses, what exists is actually purposely slowing us down and at the same time rushing in a limited dialogue, and all in self interest. The problem here is that we are all allowing this, we know something is amiss, we are not stupid, we are stupefied by our own accepted volition.

Time to wake up and become life.

Economically, we are all caught in survival, this thus, must change. Support a Living Income Guarantee so we can all stop, forgive our separation and begin an organized process of walking ourselves into our full capacity as humans beings on a physical planet. 

Day 484 Communication that with stands the test of time can be a process of joy.

One of the things about friends is mutual understanding. This leads to open communication. Such understanding takes time. The process of this should be a joy within the realization that this leads to open direct communication. Thus, if humans understood their world, meaning we lived as a real democracy where all people stood and participated in what happens on earth, especially with our resources - of which our children are- then communication would exist between all of us. I mean it would be fun to communicate with neighbors.

But as a society we do not have this. Why don’t we? We are capable of speaking, of using words, why are we not communicating, meaning having equal understanding our our physical world and enjoying it, no matter who stands next to us? It makes no sense that we are not this.

Because of this, there is really no other option but to have open discourse until mutual understanding is reached. This is a responsibility for each of us. Any movement within, any doubt, any thought against such is an indication of ignorance, even if this means thinking another is impossible because they throw a fit. This has to be let go, and the solution to communication must continue until that communication flows in understanding, an understanding that can withstand the test of time.

Thus, to not allow communication does not allow development and the ability to practice and learn the structure of discourse, meaning making the mistakes and being patient within them, to learn to see the patterns of the way we use words and what we believe and what we think and how this thinking can become stagnant and misinformed. As this we can see that communication with others can help each of us to see what we are, as the words we use and assemble show us what we have formed ourselves as.

Within this, each of us can realize that communication with others helps us to self realize as life, and as this to come to understand life in ever greater measure.

I/we have to be willing to communicate what we think, and to forgive what another communicates with each breath, to help one another realize what we have allowed ourselves to be informed as. We can begin this, by simply slowing down and breathing, even saying to another, that we find ourselves reacting and need a moment to breath and slow down, simply because we realized we were, for example, suddenly thinking about something else ( and each of us knows that we are so economically stressed that slowing down and actually listening to another needs some practice).

This is how we become a democracy, to communicate with one another, to share our information as what we are, and to realize that which is good and that which serves us no real purpose within understanding what it means to live that which withstands the test of time, as that which creates a communication that moves with ease because an understanding is lived that is a joy to express.

Walk the FREE Desteni I Process Lite, Become equal to life and withstand the test of time.

Day 482 Realizing the mind as associating within limited values. LIFE NOT.

I had an image pop up that my mind wanted to follow, a circular house with two walls, like a corridor between the inner rooms and the outer wall, the windows above bringing in light, somehow in the small detail in the back of my mind was the sense that this building hid the outer world yet, used the light. And there was a window, long, rectangular, reaching out to the exterior from each inner room.

I have been obsessed with looking at small houses, and I have noticed that desire to have a perfect house, imagining what I might want.

This window that was the same or similar design as what M. did in the P. house.

All of this is a transfer of the male story onto a house, which is accepting being my own caretaker, and then moving this into the house, of care, so to speak. Still this is a shield from the outer world, a protection and defense, myself the many characters as the women in the house sleeping as the rooms were sleeping rooms, myself not wanting to face the emotional values in the words of others, the threat of not adhering to these words with inference d values.

I find myself looking back over my day and how i have interacted with another, the sound of their voice. And I notice I want to move to that voice and match it, as in serve the emotional/feeling values laced within their words, also looking at the words in between sets of associations, because the mind screams its limitations. I notice a resistance to NOT follow.

I have to breath, to let this fear of NO SERVICE to the underpinning match game as habit, as fearing the other to not “ like” me and as protection and defense of facing myself here. I have to look out, so to speak, and not react when the words of another “ hit me” in what is a discordant manner, which is myself in a state of  not letting myself  go as belief, as idea, and stop and breath, and realize that I as life as sound, can metamorphose as mind with a common sense of the environment around me, meaning not remain in the infinite self interest, inform as how I have learned, accepted and allowed, myself to build a character and personification of my social cultural/national heritage that was in total that of a bordered existence as what humans have created on earth.  And that the contrast of listening to another need not be a burden to carry as a pain, where I believe as a woman that this is my responsibility. I won’t lose any definition, as letting go of my own limited self defining values, as I realize at moments within interacting with others, how limited I have been within my awareness  and / or  this same happening in another where a tendency would be to go into superiority that then overwhelms me to the point where the negative to this self aggrandizement leads to  a fear of carrying responsibility as in turning this into a burden. Within all of this I create my own pain.  And meanwhile, all around me is an earth that is round, forgiving as the resources have no one’s name on them and as such belong to all, as the resources are life. In the end, what is best for all life, is what is best for myself. I can let go the shame, the burden, the pain, as myself trying to answer to all factions, when all that I need is the principle of what is best for all, here. It is to just stop, and use my own common sense.

I was listening to an interview of someone riding first class on an American train. Normally, they rode “ commuter class” ( the names are always changing - wonder why/). To them there was little difference, and the accouterments were based on values from another era, like a black maid, a white table cloth, etc. all little things that are associated with a “ more than” classier environment. Meanwhile, it was a train, moving from one point to another. All the same, except for small changes. But a human will make this huge, or devalue it, to justify a relationship within as a self definition, and become so occupied with this that what is real is not really looked at.

As a society, each of us has accumulated so much of such values, that we no longer look beyond this and because of such accepted and allowed limited common sense of the whole, we have become ignorant of our world and the movements and forms we have allowed : for example how money moves and a multitude of  values as justifications we have given money, like we use money to keep our limited values in place so we do not lose them all the while missing the real value and one that can be lived with ease as we no longer need to chase a metaphysical carrot as idea. Overall,  this separation that is self created and of no real understanding of reality, of which we are more than able to do. Ironically, that which we seek in collecting the self defining values is right here as the solution of equality. This to value life, all life, as life is the value, and thus to accept and respect all life. To give all men the means to become their full potential, to give as we would like to receive to get ourselves out of our separation from life.

In all, our elite are this. They are us in another life. And they are so caught in this that they really believe that they are somehow superior. And it is only a belief in the head, a projection that is an association of values that are used to define a self, that then becomes a personification of this self, in manner, in dress, leading to a deed to support this and the thoughts as the measure of this taught building a concrete mind/ a mind map, a mental imagery of data that serves ideals that direct instead of common sense. And the irony, is that moving as common sense would mean giving all of this up, and as this becoming so much more than that limited personification. It would be to give up everything - so to speak - to become an EVERYTHING that is an equality to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something of myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself will be lost unless I protect and defend that value as an idea.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that ideas define me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have accumulated ideas to define me, instead of using my own common sense and equalizing myself to physical reality here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to protect and defend ideas, beliefs and opinions as taking one small value based on a idea from my past and from a cultural past and using this as the measure of myself, and as such ignoring the real value as the physical as the life around me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing the value system of another, and within this to fear being bullied verbally and /or physically should I not match the limited values systems of self definition as the society created by men on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that listening to another’s self validation as life story as touting limited values is a burden, where I believe that out of some belief in respect, as a social norm it is my responsibility to listen and empathize, and for this I forgive myself as the only choice is to do what is best for all here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide within myself, my own limited values and silently compare within and as myself to protect and defend my own value system because in effect I fear a “ value war” and/or realizing that my values are an ignorant acceptance that will be revealed for what they are, a limited value system that has inhibited my life, and as such I become embarrassed and fear my lack of awareness being exposed, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear my values being questioned.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to enjoy life and move within looking at my limited value system and letting it go, as in transforming myself  within learning about others, and as such expanding my awareness, which is in essence to enjoy life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I will be hurt and that this will be painful if and as someone questions my value system or in sharing their value system I become responsible for not having clarified the limitations as in questioning their values as is the responsibility of myself as life, and because of this what I fear is that in questioning the values of another, I will be met with bullying and deemed difficult, both scenarios simply mean, an accepted mean as reaction in self defense,  looking at what has been accepted and allowed as idea, and aligning within and as what is best for all, what does no harm , what brings stability and ease of being, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being wrong

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being bullied

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am a right as in only being this, and as this fearing the responsibility of this, when such can be clarified through taking the time to investigate to realize what is best practice as what does no harm, and as this that rushing, and hurrying in haste is not worth the risk as the consequences of non-investigation end up causing one to retrace their steps.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to touted “ value drives” as personification  just as I might react to a sale that suggests value drives, where I allow myself to believe that I am inferior unless I take on that opportunity as a value interaction through worship of value as personification in another or as purchasing a trinket to place in my environment to ostensibly give myself more value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that listening and being socially polite as the norm is a burden

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that idea only is superior or inferior to me as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something will be lost if I give up ideas I have accepted and allowed about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will have no definition should I give up values as ideas, as pushing away what I define as being less than, and bringing forward as what I define as being a more than, not seeing realizing and understanding that as such I am within my mind on a polarity roller coaster of right and wrong instead of being here equal and one, in common sense of physical existence which is practical.

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When and as I find myself constricting within and as me, as my human physical body, i stop and I breath and I slow myself down.

When and as I find myself comparing my self to others, i stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I bring myself back here one and equal to breath, I touch something within my physical environment and take the time to stabilize myself.

When and as I find myself beginning to brew a storm in a teacup, so to speak, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down as I see realize and understand as my body constricts within this that i am reacting as a value judgement.

When and as I find myself reacting to the thought, word or deed of another, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down to stabilize myself here, before I speak, or do not speak.

When and as I find myself  beginning to breath in shortened breaths, I stop and I slow myself down, I stabilize my breath as this is a smoke and mirrors show as anxiety in fear of loss, or control of myself as being confrontational as reaction, and within this I move as the principle of what is best for all, here.

When and as I find myself encountering the words of another I stop and I breath and I see realize and understand that the words of another do not define me, here.

When and as I find myself tensing within and as my human physical body, I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that I am here, and can stabilize as breath, and within this that all the associations being presented are parts of a whole even as judgements of good and bad, and as such  can be brought back to the whole within the principle of what is best for all here, where the only choice is what does not harm, what gives as one would like to receive, as there is no real life until the parts are in full potential, as each human, each plant, each animal, each water molecule, as the parts are only substantiated into the extraordinary when all working as individual yet equal, a state that cannot exist as long a hierarchy is the accepted and allowed form as men on earth because this is a value system of more than and less than by its very design and therefor must come to an end if life is to begin. 

When and as I find myself reacting to the exterior system that is a consequence of what humans have accepted and allowed that has accumulated into the present system that abuses as profit is the law before life, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I realize that this began within and as me, and as such, the only choice is to do what is best for all here.

In all, our elite are this. And they are so caught in this that they really believe that they are somehow superior. And it is only a belief in the head, a projection that is an association of values that are used to define a self, that then becomes a personification of this self, in manner, in dress, leading to a deed to support this and the thoughts as the measure of this taught building a concrete mind/ a mind map, a mental imagery of data that serves ideals that direct instead of common sense. And the irony, is that moving as common sense would mean giving all of this up, and as this becoming so much more than that limited personification. It would be to give up everything - so to speak - to become an EVERYTHING that is an equality to life.

Day 477 The muddy waters of the impulses of consumerism.

I notice this “ mud” as I want to call it, coming up/coming down when I am around people. I try to avoid it through talking, and then I become excited about talking which can appear calm in many ways because over time I have learned to dampen this as this is accepted social behavior, but it is really a suppression of a desire, and the desire is to hide the underlying emotions, that are a series of judgements based on past events, that, in themselves have nothing to do with practical reality.

Because I am walking the desteni I process, I have taken the time, and used the tools of self forgiveness, writing and practical application to realize what i am accepting and allowing inwardly that is slowing me down and limiting me as behaviors that separate me from being here and enjoying life simply.

The self judgements that are this “ mud” are insidious, they are myself comparing myself to a set of limited values that we can all realize, as these values are what is impulsed all around us by a world system that is in itself of limited values to control existence as a belief that men are greater than existence in total and that within this some men are more than others, this being this actual real physical world, hiding that which is real right in front of us, veiling this in the same manner within as is used without; touting directives that suggest survival within this hierarchy where if one follows the limited values one can end up accumulating money and thus sit on top or one can end up on the bottom and fall off all together. Of course there is only so much room on top, so it is inevitable that many will fall. And it has nothing to do with how hard one works, it has to do with how hard one lies directly or indirectly by omission. Lying is ignoring reality. 

My value judgements are where I have accepted and allowed the limited values of this system, they are me comparing myself to limitation that is used to control. They are where I abdicated myself in common sense of life, the physical. They are my veil of separation, and they are the voices and pictures cluttered with limited values, the are vile. They are heavy, they are blinding, they lack insight, they lack depth perception. They create a bubble of pictures around me that, over time, become hidden, as the conscious mind morphs them into symbols of supposed “ good” and as this hide the bad. They are myself when I converse to validate, when that rush to tell my story comes up with a sense of anxiousness to protect others seeing my belief in myself as perhaps lacking in something. This can occupy myself so much that I no longer see my own constraints as belief, opinions and ideas that measure myself to a limited value system. They are myself bearing no real witness to life. They are myself forgetting within survival instead of being forgiving as myself as life, equal to physical reality, that which carries all of this imagined mental construct.

Just before my husband committed suicide, I started to see some things that I questioned around him. I could see one day, like a film around him, where the edges popped like the surface of soda pop. I also could see this anxiety, this subtle shaking as him, and I see this in other men too. This is the bubble of energy that is the mud of separation from being equal and one to physical existence, this is the accumulation of obeisance to a lesser god of hierarchy, and it uses the same tactics and techniques as the consumerist/corporate/economic system determining our lives around us; the media, our education system, our health system, all of it. Even the colors in the screen/surface of the bubble are the same slight blue tinge as our television and electrical lights. As within, so without. Yet so blinding is this energy when followed the real life in the shadows that is considered the “ bad” is what is real, thus life is in reverse. 

We need only realize the amount of abuse and destruction via pollution and starvation, via lack of human development - all development, to realize that we are not in fact taking care of life, and as such not being life. It is the physical world that is what is real. As such the anecdotal is considered circumstantial, and data diluted with a means, is considered real, and meanwhile the abuse on the ground is all around us denied by oversight committees wanting to push the decision onto another committee because the truth be told would end their salaries. 

In a profit based system, cures/solutions do not maintain dividend - the divided end; together we stand divided we fall. I mean, of course the next step is to hide data, because the numbers used simply do not add up. Ironically, with computers it can all be made visible. Digital money can reveal exactly how money moves. And programs are easy to download. Everything is moving faster too bad it was not the human within themselves. And yet, this is still the human not standing up, so it will not work, because we, each of us must in the end, stand for life. Our computers can be used to really see what is going on, this will mean standing up. What is here is to support life, and what has been created can be used to correct the inequality to life that exists. Make no mistake about it, as long as poverty exists, life does not. Equality is the way out. The only way, Becoming equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 475 ALl SEe the fAL SE confidence and comfort.

When I am facing a woman with young children, girls, and I talk with them and they are accessing their pride, and saying that everything is okay, I go into insecurity, as I allow myself to compare myself to them, which is myself comparing myself to an idea, like a Utopia as a potential that i believe I have not lived, and then I go into insecurity where I think, who am I to say? Who am I to suggest to another what they should or should not do?

This is all guilt based on ideas, as to what and how I should be some kind of super being, accomplishing some overarching idea. The problem is that this is a separation from common sense on a physical planet.

I am so busy chasing a norm that I am not looking around me practically, and instead just compare myself to reality and measure with an idea. That makes no sense. If the reality around me has not reached the ideal, and this has been going on for a very very long time, then what I am doing as chasing an idea is not working. The practical has not been actually lived, thus it is to look at the physical reality and reevaluate it in total. Which also means to reevaluate what I have accepted as allowing ideals to have me running on a tread mill instead of being practical here, equal to physical reality.

I remember feeling as though I did not fit in at various stages of my life. One that is dominant at the moment is a memory of a party at the Kindergarten my children attended. I felt very separate from the other mothers, as though I could not communicate with them. And I felt that my husband was tired of his foreign wife, me, and had lost patience for my reticence. I remember trying to hide this, and appear happy and congenial. Something happened at this fest, where i had to leave, and my husband stayed. My younger son fell and gashed his head open. We had tried to stop the bleeding but it would not stop so I took my son to the emergency room, where he ended up getting a number of stitches to close the wound and stop the bleeding. I remember feeling annoyed that I had to leave, because I wanted to get through this awful feeling, and because of the belief that I held/ was projecting with this, that my husband was seeing me as not getting along socially, I wanted to “ prove” that this was not true, because I feared him rejecting me for not being buddies with the other community members which I determined as a picture show of a lot of demonstrative behavior such as hugging as acting all excited about meeting someone, or gushing smiles all over the place. I believed because I was not this character/presentation, that there was something wrong with me.

Here I was with this very heavy feeling, and i had to leave and not work it out, plus I had to carry these emotions that I had not worked out with me. I even remember being sightly annoyed with my son, because he had done this before. He was a very physical person, always moving his body, using all of it. very agile. Perhaps he was as overwhelmed with the scene as was I.

I have never been comfortable in crowded events. And yet, I have played in musical groups that make a lot of noise, lol. Obviously, the structure of a musical event I am more comfortable with, whereas a social event is unnerving to me because I have allowed it to appear to not have any structure. or, if I do see a structure, I suppress it, based on the same that creates the problem in the first place, having an idea within this context. I have an idea about how I should appear instead of just simply being here. If such has been going on for generations within each person, than social events must be unnerving for the majority of the population, because if we as humans were honest, self honest, then our outer physical world would not be in the present destructive state it is in, of which there is no denying, we need only look around, and it is time to look at what is here in total, and perhaps it is because of becoming an idea that one physical part is more than another, which ignores physical fact, and creates the feelings that I experienced, as inferiority, causing me to feel insecure and then fear the loss of position, which would be an outcome of a separation from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to measure myself as being less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this huge dark gloomy thought weighing me down is not based on practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I felt insecure based on a limited idea in and as my mind, instead of allowing myself to be practical within the situation of social interaction, where ironically, I participated in social groups working together in a very structured situation and as such directed myself, thus the answer was really right in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow an idea of being less than to become so huge within and as me, that I created my own separation from reality based on judgement within ideas instead of being equal to physical reality in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and really look at this memory, where I do not even look at the world around me, and within this, being annoyed that I have to leave and not sort this out, that I did not have the opportunity to move myself into the social scenario and interact with others and investigate how I felt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared being considered unsocial.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed the society around me, for a impractical self created belief of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea about what i should look like, as in exhibiting very demonstrative behaviors of running up to other woman and hugging them and acting like I was so glad to see them, many of whom at that time I saw on a daily basis, so such behavior was silly in such a situation and not something to measure behavior by.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame how I felt on the culture, on the differences in culture, when in fact i have felt the same way within my own culture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must appear ebullient in social settings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of indifference in social settings, being spiteful and arrogant to counteract an idea that I create that I should appear all smiley and happy and witty in social situations and if I do not , from one such event to the next than there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that under this current of insecurity that has no real substantiveness with practical physical reality, I have created a protection and defense layer of judgement as spite and blame to and towards the environment, using cultural definitions of behavior as to how one should look and behave, and personal behaviors where I select individual persons to gravitate to that I believe will alter the idea I have accepted and allowed as inferiority to turn this into a superiority image socially to justify equality that is as my mind limited and done in the self interest of a system of separation from common sense of  the physical being life, where equality was always the constant and it is/was myself that moved and separated from this practical fact of life on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look for confidence via judgements of objects and manner being more than and less than, all based on ideas as to how an object should look, and or, a person should exude in manner and dress as cultural ideas about what is a measure of more of this and or more of that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that such chains of belief are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a survival suit, developed over time, from day one, as the environment around me, which I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I go into a shortness of breath, I am no longer here, thus a shortness of breath, is myself going into anxiety, being anxious about my own survival, and since I live in a part of the world where social connections are huge and believed to be how one survives - of which all is based on illusion composed of limited values that are not necessarily all good or bad - my impulses are based on very petty ideas of what is more and what is less as survival within this hierarchy that is in itself in separation from practical physical, real life sustaining, reality.

When and as I sense myself becoming anxious, paying attention to my breath and the thoughts as back chat circulating in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the ghost in the machine as my mind consciousness system is just this, a ghost in a gift of life as my human physical body, that is a lesser directive based on a limited context that has been accepted and allowed as the humans on earth that are in total in separation from including all life as the value.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious within and as the movement of my breath, i slow myself down and I forgive the thoughts of insecurity via reminding myself I live on in a physical world that is as much life as myself, and that an idea of one thing being less than another is the separation from what is real, and as this that any thoughts of comparison towards another person or object is based on an idea, and that this idea does not define me unless I accept and allow this, as I can only be here practically in this moment.

When and as I find myself becoming tense in and as my breath, I slow myself down and I forgive the idea that one thing is more than another and I realize the practical nature of the physical world within and as form and function being respected as nature as the physical is in reality a magnificent mechanism for the expression of life.

When and as I find myself tensing up into using protection and defense, as opinions and ideas and beliefs, and as such my breath becoming short and uneven, I stop and I slow myself down and i breath,  and I forgive the positive and negative values about the objects and behaviors of others in my world, which I have used to lead me to a place of false comfort and  false confidence, instead of being practical here, realizing the physical world around me as being equal and one to and as me, and within this to not react to the same behaviors I have accepted and allowed within to affect me as this is played out in others, as it is the collective that has accepted and allowed the generations of separation as ideas made bigger than life that has as a collective, lead to a collective disrespect and thus destruction of the gift of life as the physical world as this earth.

When and as I find myself becoming short of breath, and heavy with thoughts as back chat in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I realize that this f-AL SE confidence and comfort would create that which I fear, as I am existing in judgement that ALL SEE. thus, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, from equality and oneness to and as the physical world.

When and as I find myself short of breath, I slow myself down and I breath, and I let go of a divisor in and as judgement of how something should appear to be  as a definition based on ideas, opinions and beliefs and I realize the mechanism of the physical world is the value that can be directed as life within as the principle of what is best for all, that the fAL SE confidence and comfort is myself in FEAR of life, for which I slow myself down and breath, until I become stable in principle as what is best for all.