Confusion and fear is not enough information Day 765

I sense a weight in my cheat, that slowing becomes more and more defined as what builds and creates this presence within and as me.

The best approach at the moment, and also to solution is to acknowledge this and to stand in the practical as what lends effective movement within and as me. It is, as the best means at the moment, self focused on a lack, as that lack being something impossible to change, and yet, to stand as the change is the means towards the end of this presence as information within and as who and what I am, here.

What I am going to look at today, is how much this weight is a habit of a con-fusion of fear, as not being able to process the spin of value judgements of good and bad, that is myself in a shadow world lost to what is real, as the practical. I cannot respect myself if I allow this, this con-fusion of value judgements protecting an idea of who I am in some belief that I must have a limited set of values to define me. This a consequence of a belief that I am not enough, as perhaps starting as comparison without investigation, without regard for simply being and living as who and what I am, which has great potential to understand life, and experience the many qualities that compose life. This life is physical and all around me as me. 

I must realize that this existence is in a state of lack, which is a state of diminishment, and that what is best is not being lived, or being lived by small degree, as that same life within and as me, that motivates correction is also wanting of correction to experience life. It is balancing out, standing as being here, and realizing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed means standing up as what respects this world and how a mind consciousness of limited information is the separation from being present in this reality. 

Always in the words are the means and the correction as we tell ourselves as our projections what and who we are standing as. This is always visible in plain sight.

What I am here being and living, is standing as seeing, realizing and understanding acceptances and allowances and the means of seeing this lack and who and what I am, as life, here, which is physical.

Thus, this weight on my chest is the habit of and as the confusion of and as focusing only on a lack creating polarities of good and bad, and the way forward is to acknowledge it and change the focus of myself onto simply being here. This means standing as what is best for all, which is what is best for self. 

I notice, if I slow down and LOOK at what information flows as me, as energy, as a quick movement - in a way- as a storyline, a lot of the imaginations are of doom and gloom, worst case scenarios, fear of punishment and mistake. It is like having a haunting shadow around me as me. This is what accumulates around the top of my chest. I have to catch it, or ‘ read it’ and process it. This means taking it apart and correcting the focus of and as this onto the practical real living actions in tune with this reality, because this is what I am, and this is myself respecting all things. 

Since we are exposed to, so much media and story telling from books ONLY ( written information is not a bad) and our parents and others around us, are of the same, do we really learn to respect the natural world around and do we have examples around us who are able to do this? Perhaps animals can, more than any human. 

If one is reading a text, with information as pictures, as stories, and cannot remember what one has just read, or what someone has just said, and you can’t remember how you made the switch how are you going to read the things that distracted you from remaining present, taking in information with ease? And, do you think you are going to be able to change this in a moment when this was built over time, just like a frog placed in cold water, that when heated over time, say 50 years, or even seven, that when the water finally kills the frog - and the frog not even realizing it is being cooked to death- the people in that environment just stand there, because they believe that hot water to be NORMAL because it is all they have ever known, these people are going to be able to SEE what killed the frog? And, could someone who has continued time and time again to say the water is heating up and will kill the frog, for which all the oblivious people will say, “ conspirator!!!” , lol.  Can something like this not be realized but by deconstructing it, which means increasing one’s processing speeds because this was done through dumbing one down into a slow measure that has no sustainability and rushes like an energetic electrical burn through the body, using the flesh to project the belief that is the mis-information separate from reality? 

Birthing one’s self into real life means standing up again and again until one becomes aware of self and this world, this physical world. This means re-cognizing one’s self to reality. This means stepping out of the bubble of mis-information ( mind con-sciousness) that is a distraction through limited info, causing cognitive dissonance that is really a stagnation. 

It is like, or is, one must stand within one’s self and blow up what is zipped filed, or compressed within one’s self, as what has accumulated into a layered onion, and forgive the value judgement that is fear, and walk the correction, which is a practical application that is a state of being focused here on the physical, in reality. The elite of this world have simply used this that is accepted by the collective, to build a structure that allows them control, which is what a state of separation is constantly trying to be and do. They use our abdication of common sense of reality to do this, thus we cannot blame them. Yet we can change from separation into equality and oneness, with reality. 

What I notice about myself, in relation to this, is that the pressure in my chest, which at this point feels like a film over my chest, on the top of my chest, is a form of anger, which is fear. I notice the habit of becoming angry, in my case it comes out in a verbal form.  This is a form of disempowerment, of my own creation. I look only at the punishment of myself, as suppression, as not being present in reality, doing the real math of common sense as me, in expression. 

When I focus, and ‘ do the math’ or ‘ look at the numbers’ as the measure of what I am allowing myself to be, in relation to the principle of what is best for all as what is the best for me, is that my lower back moves with more ease. Mankind is unhappy when unfocused and happy when they are focused and present in the practical. 

Today, in relation to the present system, someone said to me, “ But that is how nations build their wealth’ This is true, yet if that wealth moves into  supporting conflict for supposed gain, driven by self interest, as a dogma of ideas, and, instead does not flow the means of what  lends stability and growth on every level, a real wealth is not being considered, and only a very limited thing as an idea that is in itself a state of separation from a common sense of the real machine as the physical. 

My physical body reveals what I am doing. If there is pressure on my chest, I am moving into fear and anger over solutions within the principle of what is best for all.  Fear is a practice of protection, which means comparison, which means judgement instead of applied practical discernment. 

Day 679 Opening the Chest To Heaven on Earth.

At the moment I read books where I realize there are comparisons that appear to spin in  a contradiction, making some things within the association have meaning that is not at all clear. Defining the words and making sense out of a spin as an idea, means speaking up and pointing out the discrepancies.  It is a process of defining the parts , which is defining the words, and aligning them with practical reality. I can see where a child would meet with more of the same spin even if they tried to catch all the words and the sounds and align them, having to work with the words and order them and then speak up. This design would be very difficult for any child.

For this reason we cannot really blame anyone, we can only go back, and sort out the layers of information ourselves. And the information is in every move we make, in every word we speak, in every thought we have moving through our conscious minds, as this is a reflection of the measure of what we have accepted and allowed; we personify what we believed, we personify our stories that are based on the past of ourselves and those that came before us. We are the creators of what is here as the present system. 

We can decompose this and equalize ourselves to the physical world, respecting it as the same as us, as the starting point and build heaven on earth. It would be like being born into heaven, removing the gap of separation from being equal to creation as the physical. We can remove the suffering and the belief that holds it in place that we learn through suffering.  Suffering is really just that baby missing a step, to then right themselves and move into walking. We have aggrandized the fall, and built a religion around it. That is the illusion. 

Within myself I can move into joy, the joy of expression of life, through breathing, through slowing down, through walking through the layers of the information that is the personality I live in every moment, so visible and so forgivable, to ground myself here, equal and one within breathing-in with a presence of myself here, and taking the time to sort out the information so that I am clear in respecting this real actual physical world around me. I need not fear the confusion, as the information of survival in separation from who I really am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hate myself for participating in limited knowledge and information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to rush, through my chest area, in an excitement that is a fear, and a desire to understand, and yet even within this initial drive, from my hard drive, as my breath and presence here, to see realize and understand that as a young child sorting this out with a cross reference, would have been very difficult, within using the code as words to order, which I probably did not yet have enough of and as within me, to do so.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel depressed within and as this, as a sense that I am pressing down on myself from my eyes and the back of my head.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that even in high school I could see that I was doing this, moving into the story around me, via the voicings of the people around me, to get along and go along. where as I walked up to the group, I took a breath, and stood with the story, imitating it, to be able to participate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that wanting to participate made it all okay.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move within and as my chest area, in a kind of rushing, upward-like to stand in a construct of information in order to participate in the world around me, as though this upward thrust within and as my chest area,  was me stepping into a survival suit, where this took a huge effort, because this was myself suppressing myself in fear of facing the storm of the personality of and as this in others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within and as my eye area, there is this sense of pity, like a ‘ I am sorriness’ which is really a sense of suppression to only see limited values as I choose information to direct myself in an effort to get along and go along as somewhere in my past I believed sorting things out was not possible.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my shame is a sense of futility where I sink in and as my chest area, as what I expected within self directing in limited knowledge and information of ideological values,  as somehow this was not moving into expectations in a narrow focus or in a sense of reaching mutual clarity, as though somehow I realized the connection was not sound, stable, clear and within this I accepted less than believing it would be sorted out at some point not seeing realizing and understanding that deconstruction and reconstruction takes time and equal participation from a separation as a starting point.

Thus,

When and as I find myself ‘ pushing myself up’ as a movement within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I assess the measure of personification I have accepted and allowed within and as me, remaining in breath and grounded, and walk, in respect of this real physical world that is the information of life in expression, here, as this is me, and this is recognizing the means of myself as life here into eternity.

When and as I find myself approaching another, within and as ‘ lifting myself up’ within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I asses how I am, as a measure of belief, opinions and ideas, directing myself as though I am moving into limited and separated knowledge and information to self direct, and I sense the suppression of being present, and I ground myself here, until the pressure building in and as my chest area beings to clear, realizing that I can listen, and understand and practice directing in ways that bring an intimacy as a clearness in being present here, a presence that senses racing in values, and ignoring the ease of being grounded here,  as much as I am able to remove the view of ideas, beliefs and opinions I have accepted and allowed to define me.

When and as I find myself moving within and as rising up in my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I no longer allow myself to suppress myself into only moving as knowledge and information as a measure of values, as I assess what I have accepted and allowed, and what is the movement around me, and the physical, until I become the practice of understanding within and as what allows an absence of suppression and racing into a projection of an end goal as the self interest I accepted, and instead enlightens myself into ease and clarity, calm and stability here, as that which is equal and one to here, the physical to realize in thought word and deed heaven on earth.

Day 519 Cross Purposes - Journey to Life

I walked into a store today and noticed that I became what I call “ loopy” very much like I am “ vibrating within, which is myself losing focus here. I say this because I have this happen, especially when I read about finances and money. The twists and turns of how we are simply printing money and lending it with interest, makes no sense, like I cannot get a grasp on the lack of common sense of it. So, perhaps, I am looking for meaning and sense in something that really makes no sense. Somehow, this is what happens when I get loopy. I mean, does out paranormal existence make any sense? No.

I have been someone that asks questions, and sometimes this gets me into “ trouble”, which I would at present call “ upset.” By this I mean, upsetting a belief, because to ask a question that points out a discrepancy, is to upset a limitation. And then I react, because such pointing out of discrepancies within something that does not make sense, causes a reaction, and in answer to such a reaction I stumble. Like I have done something wrong.

Of course, sometimes I just miss something and ask a question that is myself having been ignorant and as such missed a detail. But there is a difference. One elicits a spiteful, impatient answer and the other is either simple as in “ You missed this.” or “ You idiot, read the damn material.” lol

At present, American Society has allowed a belief that one cannot upset another’s feelings and emotions. But, sometimes these emotions and feelings have no real substance in any form of common sense. I mean it is like being ignorant, and having an aspect pointed out, and the response is, “ But that is how I feel,” and this must be respected, despite it being ignorant.

So, I am in this store and I realize I am getting loopy. Why? Was I getting geared to be at cross purposes with myself, as in suppressing myself to fit into accepting  “feelings “ that were really ignorance to remain socially “ polite?” 

So, I slowed myself down, reminded myself of where I was, and thought about what I needed only and no more. I walked through the store telling myself I need only remain in common sense, and if, for example I wanted to stand and look at the butter and go through my head if I needed to get some more at the moment, and if this would be better to get today, instead of having to shop in three days then so be it. Standing there looking like I was not being the efficient New Yorker - for example, was not the point. So, all this loopyness was ideas about how I am supposed to be, and not myself being in common sense, stable, here. Also, to let go of any worries, because at that moment, I could only do what was necessary in front of me. So, I focused myself “ here.”

When I had gotten home, I started to read this book about money, and I noticed the same thing happening. I stopped and reread the opening paragraphs. Again, I realized I was confused  not because I did not understand the words, but becuase the words as describing the system made no sense, meaning the system makes no sense. And, somehow having to say the system makes no sense, is at cross purposes with what I believe it is that I am supposed to behave as, which is accepting what is, instead of pointing out what really makes no sense.

So, when I feel myself beginning to become what I call “ loopy” I stop and I breath and I realize the polarity of my cross purpose into a belief as a self definition based on  limited values in separation from common sense, and I breath, and I bring myself here in common sense of what is practical in a functional purpose in and as the physical, which is always here, moves at ease, and is stable and visible, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be at cross purposes with a common sense of here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, a common sense of a functional reality of which enables the life that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be at cross purposes with myself as life, in choosing limited values to define me, and to fear addressing limited values, shaming myself as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that there is no way out of existing in cross purpose of myself as life, as this was myself as a small child which is a past that is not what and who I am here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within cross purposes as a polarity system of value judgements of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than, in separation from and of limitation from what is best for all as the functional purpose of what respects the expression of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become stubborn in the face of resisting limitations, and as such to begin to ignore common sense, and as such to shut down my own common sense, trapping myself within believing that there was no way out, and within this realizing that as a child, I was physically vulnerable due to my size and standing against many adults.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become at cross purposes with myself as life, to move towards reward to avoid punishment, and to be ashamed for having avoided punishment in self interest rejecting myself as life, and within this to realize this need not be myself here, as I am not my past as a child, I am here.

With in this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become self blame for allowing a cross purpose of myself as life, in and as choosing to avoid punishment where avoiding punishment was in itself a reward, and in so doing hating myself and being ashamed of myself for having abdicated myself as life, and as this hiding in shame and self pity , believing myself to be unworthy of life, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the only way out of punishment, was to become submissive, and within this to have a thought that I was trapped, and to realize that i was a child, and as this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity myself as such and not a means that leads to solution, here, within and as what is best for all, whether this is the past, or myself here, in this moment, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a thought that I am trapped.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that limitations accepted and allowed as my past define me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine that I am confined, locked in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to tighten up in my chest, to believe that in order to survive I must be at cross purposes with myself as life and that as this I must protect and defend myself within and as ensuring that I am not heard or seen as such.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am vulnerable, that I can be susceptible to emotional attack,  and as this, to stand within the principle of what is best for all, to see, realize and understand that a cross purpose of life cannot define me unless I accept and allow it, as i am life, here, and my past cannot define me, here.  

Self corrections to follow.

Day 491 Walking the process of the pain into a lightness of being. DIP Journey to life.

Pains come up with becoming equal as in walking the journey to life, the journey back in equality and oneness to and with the physical. These pains appear suddenly, feeling like needles are ripping through the flesh of the physical body that we humans have ignored, separated ourselves from as we choose the limitations of belief, opinion and idea, as a mind consciousness system. This is why our bodies stiffen with age and we do not notice because we are living in our minds as projections of ideological belief. When we choose to realize that what exists as what we are and as what this allows on this earth, there is no other choice but to stop and look and change the present system on this earth. To do this, the one thing we all seem to avoid, which is self responsibility, is what is needed. It must be walked. The gift of life as the physical is what we must accept and become equal and one to. This is the only way to life. This means no blame and no spite can exist within as a movement of each of us. And no one can do this for us. We each must do this for ourselves. Ironically, this means accepting the gift of life, here.

So, I was “ going into” with all the concentration and focus I am able to be at present, a pain that appeared in my stomach area. Very small needle like burning. As I focused on this, suddenly it appeared as a unfolding of a clear fabric like substance, which then turned into like a glass platform, this huge triangular geometric shape opening at the end of this image, this form. Then an image, a memory. I was in middle school standing in the orchestra room, looking over at my ex-”best friend” sitting with her “ new group.” The emotion game like a puff of smoke and it moved into a projection as a personification of myself, like this was a part of the presence of me. What was behind this, in a way, was more of an awareness of the whole situation, where i could see that my ex-friend’s choice had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her own decisions. At the same time, I realized that I had been doing the same thing in many ways, gathering data of this human social construct and weighing and measuring what directions to take within it. And that everyone was doing this. This was like seeing many leaves move on a tree, like seeing all the interactions at once. Within this the realization that my friend had not “ rejected” me, she was as I, as all of us, looking for what would support our survival, what would make us “ more,” what would lead to what would hide our insecurities and/or increase what we believed had value.

Suddenly, what I had believed, was not the whole story. It was only a part, and that part was from my own sense of pride. As we mature as adults, we realize these things were mis takes. But unless we self forgive them, speaking this, the resonance of it does not suddenly disappear. 

The another pain came, this time in my foot, and it was myself, younger, standing at a ballet bar, in a leotard, raising my leg. And there it was, a thought, the thought was, “ I am special.” This was not so much directed at another, it was from a joy of the structure I was learning, but the thought was that ‘I” was special. Seemingly innocent but self centered. And yet, here as well, to see what else, as the good behind the limiting thought that existed, as this memory opened, but that one thought was done in self interest, and this was what was made huge and became a part of the personification of myself, as I see this, the presence of this is a part of what is projected as an entity of myself. One aspect made huge in a moment of self interest, where behind it is the life and the value. The self interest need not exist. and within this I suppose there is more layered within. It would make sense, why we have been told not to judge, because such moments of judgements are separations from what is the value, which is to realize that the value is life, in each breathe here, where there is no need for self interest as a more than. And in many ways, we are taught this within our society - which means what we are taught leads to our demise. I mean, I had heard said that many precocious children stop expanding as their early promise when the reach their mid twenties. Is it that the collective positive reinforcement becomes the reinforcement of limitation as self aggrandizement?

I could see where this one thought done with what would be considered an innocent pride could lead to eventually believing myself to have been hurt when my friend changed her game plan in middle school. My reaction was based on a feeling of pride. I clearly had no understanding of how I was composed, and yet, I did if I had simply made the choice to look at the whole context of how others moved around me. Instead I allowed my own emotional storm as a fear of loss consume me.

Now, after this another memory game, it was of myself standing in defiance, arms crossed. I was going to prove my worth, that I was more than the choice my friend had made. I ended up taking a route that in the end kept me very busy, and I never had to do with my ex-friend again. But my impetus was as a reaction, and based in self interest and insecurity as I had denied self awareness within common sense, i followed and reacted to ideas of loss instead. I directed from a starting point as an idea that ignored the behaviors of humans within the physical world around me. And, everyone was moving into ideas of what was more within such a limited context, everyone acting in self interest, a blindness to reality. All looking for definition and hiding emotional insecurities that existed because of the separation! That is just insane. it is true that we argue our own limitations. I believe that the boy in the story The Tin Drum screamed because he simply imitated the behaviors of men, the constant scream of limitation.

What desteni talks about we all know we are doing. We can see the memories that have accumulated, and the cries of them trying to show us our own limitation. They are layered, and they grow and spread through our physical bodies, tearing at our flesh, but we do not hear them, even as we age and become stiff, unable to flex our backs. Wanting to sleep as the weight of our separation bears down with each passing year.

With self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, just as Bernard Poolman revealed, as the separations are self forgiven, a lite-ness comes, a lessening of the burden of the judgements of the need to fear, of the need to vent. That initial spot on my stomach became lighter, of less weight. As I self forgive these memories I become lighter, more flexible. It is the most amazing feeling. It is an incredible relief.  So, you see, the choice of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application within walking the desteni I process is a gift to self of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself to believe that my friend had rejected me.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to look beyond my own limitations as judgements as mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look at my friend and with spite and blame become an accusation as a judgement that she hurt me in leaving me to become part of another group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel humiliated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior, in and as judging the the new group as being mature and sophisticated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior to this new group, because they were all turning into young women and I was not.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my friend was changing physiologically and wanted to be with others within the same experience, which I probably would have done as well given the values of the present accepted and allowed system as men on earth, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed my friend for rejecting me, and within this judging her group as stuck up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to others without seeing realizing and understanding changes and what is a good within and as wanting to explore new situations , even though within the limited platform accepted and allowed by men that ignores the development of self as life in common sense where there is really no choice but the choice of what is best for all, which means being aware of physical existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see to the whole as the movement of men as mind consciousness systems in separation and as such hiding accepted limitations as the consequence of lack of common sense and to see realize and understand that within this, this separation is unacceptable, but also to realize that i was the same and as this made judgements and reacted to this limitation instead of taking the time to look at the whole as this and to realize the only solution was to remain as myself in common sense which is myself being empathetic and realizing that there is no such thing as being rejected as I am here able to stand in common sense and realize that I as life  can either choose to move as what is best for all and allow myself as life to exist, or believe that the self interested actions of others define me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it was I who judged myself as being rejected, and within this it was myself who was in fact the one rejecting within and as separating myself from common sense, here.

When and as I find myself beginning to judge the actions of another, I stop and I breath and I walk in their shoes and realize that more than likely, within the present accepted and allowed system I would make the same choice, and even within this, to realize the choices of others does not define who and what I am as it is what I project onto others  that I allow to become a limited definition of what i experience in the absence of respecting myself as life.

When and as I find myself judging another for the choices they make I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that IN realizing with empathy and compassion, as in using my heart, myself as hearth, as earth I can slow myself down and realize in common sense the whole, and see, realize and understand I can choose judgement as hurt or I can stop and breath and use the ability of myself as heart to common sense the whole and place and move within and as what is best for all, which is myself as the lightness of being here, realizing that the value is being here, one and equal to life, giving as I would like to receive, and in this instance, realizing that my friend was simply choosing what fit the experiences she was walking in the moment and that right there before me an experience that lead to myself becoming more aware within a certain context.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea as a thought within and as me as pride, to be proud of myself for what i have achieved and within this to not have realized that what was the value was there behind the thought as the realization that it was the structure that as in self development as a physical being that was the value.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i was special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being equal and one in common sense of the whole and to accept a thought as myself as being special to become more than the actual physical context as an expression in and as life here.

When and as I find myself within and as a persona, as an entity life presence as pride, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself back into and as common sense as the heart of me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction as a belief that i need to prove my worth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe myself inferior to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then create a fantasy that I am superior to another and as this to criticize the action of another which is myself acting in protection and self defense based on a fear of loss and within this to believe that this defines me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to the choices of another within limited insight.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within the play-outs in middle school the experiences probably would not have changed, but within them myself as less reactive and more aware as what I was as how I was within being more aware of the whole as I was capable of as common sense.

Thus when and as I find myself reacting emotionally I stop and I breath and I check my thoughts and my judgements and I slow myself down and use my heart, myself as earth, as the physical and I see, realize and understand the whole in and as looking at the whole context of here which at the moment is men in separation within a system that is the consequence of separation into a knowledge of good and evil which is judgement as separation from common sense of the whole and thus as such lacking practical application within understanding and respecting the value being life here, thus, I slow myself down and choose what is best for all, here.

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Day 475 ALl SEe the fAL SE confidence and comfort.

When I am facing a woman with young children, girls, and I talk with them and they are accessing their pride, and saying that everything is okay, I go into insecurity, as I allow myself to compare myself to them, which is myself comparing myself to an idea, like a Utopia as a potential that i believe I have not lived, and then I go into insecurity where I think, who am I to say? Who am I to suggest to another what they should or should not do?

This is all guilt based on ideas, as to what and how I should be some kind of super being, accomplishing some overarching idea. The problem is that this is a separation from common sense on a physical planet.

I am so busy chasing a norm that I am not looking around me practically, and instead just compare myself to reality and measure with an idea. That makes no sense. If the reality around me has not reached the ideal, and this has been going on for a very very long time, then what I am doing as chasing an idea is not working. The practical has not been actually lived, thus it is to look at the physical reality and reevaluate it in total. Which also means to reevaluate what I have accepted as allowing ideals to have me running on a tread mill instead of being practical here, equal to physical reality.

I remember feeling as though I did not fit in at various stages of my life. One that is dominant at the moment is a memory of a party at the Kindergarten my children attended. I felt very separate from the other mothers, as though I could not communicate with them. And I felt that my husband was tired of his foreign wife, me, and had lost patience for my reticence. I remember trying to hide this, and appear happy and congenial. Something happened at this fest, where i had to leave, and my husband stayed. My younger son fell and gashed his head open. We had tried to stop the bleeding but it would not stop so I took my son to the emergency room, where he ended up getting a number of stitches to close the wound and stop the bleeding. I remember feeling annoyed that I had to leave, because I wanted to get through this awful feeling, and because of the belief that I held/ was projecting with this, that my husband was seeing me as not getting along socially, I wanted to “ prove” that this was not true, because I feared him rejecting me for not being buddies with the other community members which I determined as a picture show of a lot of demonstrative behavior such as hugging as acting all excited about meeting someone, or gushing smiles all over the place. I believed because I was not this character/presentation, that there was something wrong with me.

Here I was with this very heavy feeling, and i had to leave and not work it out, plus I had to carry these emotions that I had not worked out with me. I even remember being sightly annoyed with my son, because he had done this before. He was a very physical person, always moving his body, using all of it. very agile. Perhaps he was as overwhelmed with the scene as was I.

I have never been comfortable in crowded events. And yet, I have played in musical groups that make a lot of noise, lol. Obviously, the structure of a musical event I am more comfortable with, whereas a social event is unnerving to me because I have allowed it to appear to not have any structure. or, if I do see a structure, I suppress it, based on the same that creates the problem in the first place, having an idea within this context. I have an idea about how I should appear instead of just simply being here. If such has been going on for generations within each person, than social events must be unnerving for the majority of the population, because if we as humans were honest, self honest, then our outer physical world would not be in the present destructive state it is in, of which there is no denying, we need only look around, and it is time to look at what is here in total, and perhaps it is because of becoming an idea that one physical part is more than another, which ignores physical fact, and creates the feelings that I experienced, as inferiority, causing me to feel insecure and then fear the loss of position, which would be an outcome of a separation from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to measure myself as being less than another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this huge dark gloomy thought weighing me down is not based on practical physical reality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I felt insecure based on a limited idea in and as my mind, instead of allowing myself to be practical within the situation of social interaction, where ironically, I participated in social groups working together in a very structured situation and as such directed myself, thus the answer was really right in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow an idea of being less than to become so huge within and as me, that I created my own separation from reality based on judgement within ideas instead of being equal to physical reality in common sense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and really look at this memory, where I do not even look at the world around me, and within this, being annoyed that I have to leave and not sort this out, that I did not have the opportunity to move myself into the social scenario and interact with others and investigate how I felt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared being considered unsocial.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed the society around me, for a impractical self created belief of inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea about what i should look like, as in exhibiting very demonstrative behaviors of running up to other woman and hugging them and acting like I was so glad to see them, many of whom at that time I saw on a daily basis, so such behavior was silly in such a situation and not something to measure behavior by.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to blame how I felt on the culture, on the differences in culture, when in fact i have felt the same way within my own culture.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must appear ebullient in social settings.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of indifference in social settings, being spiteful and arrogant to counteract an idea that I create that I should appear all smiley and happy and witty in social situations and if I do not , from one such event to the next than there is something wrong with me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that under this current of insecurity that has no real substantiveness with practical physical reality, I have created a protection and defense layer of judgement as spite and blame to and towards the environment, using cultural definitions of behavior as to how one should look and behave, and personal behaviors where I select individual persons to gravitate to that I believe will alter the idea I have accepted and allowed as inferiority to turn this into a superiority image socially to justify equality that is as my mind limited and done in the self interest of a system of separation from common sense of  the physical being life, where equality was always the constant and it is/was myself that moved and separated from this practical fact of life on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look for confidence via judgements of objects and manner being more than and less than, all based on ideas as to how an object should look, and or, a person should exude in manner and dress as cultural ideas about what is a measure of more of this and or more of that.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that such chains of belief are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this is a survival suit, developed over time, from day one, as the environment around me, which I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I go into a shortness of breath, I am no longer here, thus a shortness of breath, is myself going into anxiety, being anxious about my own survival, and since I live in a part of the world where social connections are huge and believed to be how one survives - of which all is based on illusion composed of limited values that are not necessarily all good or bad - my impulses are based on very petty ideas of what is more and what is less as survival within this hierarchy that is in itself in separation from practical physical, real life sustaining, reality.

When and as I sense myself becoming anxious, paying attention to my breath and the thoughts as back chat circulating in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the ghost in the machine as my mind consciousness system is just this, a ghost in a gift of life as my human physical body, that is a lesser directive based on a limited context that has been accepted and allowed as the humans on earth that are in total in separation from including all life as the value.

When and as I find myself becoming anxious within and as the movement of my breath, i slow myself down and I forgive the thoughts of insecurity via reminding myself I live on in a physical world that is as much life as myself, and that an idea of one thing being less than another is the separation from what is real, and as this that any thoughts of comparison towards another person or object is based on an idea, and that this idea does not define me unless I accept and allow this, as I can only be here practically in this moment.

When and as I find myself becoming tense in and as my breath, I slow myself down and I forgive the idea that one thing is more than another and I realize the practical nature of the physical world within and as form and function being respected as nature as the physical is in reality a magnificent mechanism for the expression of life.

When and as I find myself tensing up into using protection and defense, as opinions and ideas and beliefs, and as such my breath becoming short and uneven, I stop and I slow myself down and i breath,  and I forgive the positive and negative values about the objects and behaviors of others in my world, which I have used to lead me to a place of false comfort and  false confidence, instead of being practical here, realizing the physical world around me as being equal and one to and as me, and within this to not react to the same behaviors I have accepted and allowed within to affect me as this is played out in others, as it is the collective that has accepted and allowed the generations of separation as ideas made bigger than life that has as a collective, lead to a collective disrespect and thus destruction of the gift of life as the physical world as this earth.

When and as I find myself becoming short of breath, and heavy with thoughts as back chat in and as my mind, I slow myself down and I breath, and I realize that this f-AL SE confidence and comfort would create that which I fear, as I am existing in judgement that ALL SEE. thus, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, from equality and oneness to and as the physical world.

When and as I find myself short of breath, I slow myself down and I breath, and I let go of a divisor in and as judgement of how something should appear to be  as a definition based on ideas, opinions and beliefs and I realize the mechanism of the physical world is the value that can be directed as life within as the principle of what is best for all, that the fAL SE confidence and comfort is myself in FEAR of life, for which I slow myself down and breath, until I become stable in principle as what is best for all.

Day 37 Age of innocence?

Day 37 Age of Innocence

I have had an image in my head lately of my self as a child wrapping my arms around my father’s neck. A behavior I enjoy with men, I have always likes the neck. Seems this is still with me, a place of comfort. A place to hide? As this is what is here as a memory as a picture, in my conscious mind.

I look to this memory, I bring this here. THere it was , it was like I was pretending something - and while reading another process blog this word pretend jumped out at me, I had a pain jump up in my chest and I re-read the sentence I had just read, and “pretend” jumped out. Then came the image “of the day” - so to speak.

When in fear, when the being of my self as “not looking” or seeing my self not being in common sense, as knowing I am not looking or pretending, tending to something other than actually looking at what is here, this act from childhood remains, even though I have no idea what specifically lead me to seek this comfort, this act of seeking comfort remains. Was I just wanting the energetic high of comfort/attention/drama?

Meanwhile the underlying fear here with my self has been about money. When I face tuition payments and changes financially I tend to stall making decisions, like I want to escape to the bitter end and then organize. I measure how much time I have and then make the decision, a careful procrastination. And then I want something to hide in, to avoid making a decision. The caution is not so much the problem, things must be looked at, it is the worry and the escape added onto this that is unnecessary and it only drags me down when this time could be used within clarity instead of a hazy anxiety where I imagine worse case scenarios. I have done this so many times, like clockwork, which is what the mind does, it works like a clock, ticking away as anxiety if I accept and allow it. I can’t make decisions within this state and thus it is no wonder I want to hide. One behavior precipitates the other, and both are clutter. Stop.

Some of the financial decisions I have to make cannot be made in this moment as I do not have all the answers, so I have to let it go and look at what i can do here in this moment. The answers will come and be seen more clearly if I am not lost in worry and I will accomplish a lot more. Plus, I won’t need to hide in a damsel in distress drama as I am not inferior seeking a superior as an idea based on a story line, instead I use the physical world in practical common sense. 

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I am anxious and fearful I relive actions I learned as a child, to seek comfort from a man, as my mother was not especially fond of taking care of babies, which she has stated many times, and it was my father that was there when I was really young.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize this image in and as my mind was what came up after months of self forgiveness, where I, as this memory, am aware of my self being comforted by my father and also aware of my self doing this as some kind of drama, yet this action as hiding from a fear remains, and so when I am here as an adult I tend to continue to do this, to want to run and hide in the comfort of a man when I am anxious and worried.

I forgive my self for not realizing that this is a burden for the man and for my self as is not a solution to fear and anxiety.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect this comfort from fear to intimacy with men.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have created a habit of seeking attention from men when I feel anxious, even though I am aware that I do this, and at times I have stopped my self as it does not solve any problems and many times men simply do not have the answers, or the support seems unnecessary, I continue to have this come up in instances of anxiety, where the present system on this earth is of the need for money to sustain oneself on an earth that gives unconditionally where men have signed  ownership to the resources of this earth, imposing a system of conditioned support within a false creation/belief of lack.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to relate my fears to the role of my self as a woman where I believe I am dependent on men and must seek council and comfort from men instead of using common sense and directing my self to look and realize what is practical here, and within this utilize the principle of what is best for all and the application of breath, to keep my self here and out of the mind, as becoming separate from what is physically here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to give up my past and place my self here in common sense, without fear of loss, as there is nothing to lose being here, yet, as I have experienced, there is something to lose if I allow my self to become anxious and seek comfort as a habit, within the arms of a man

I commit my self to stopping my self from going into anxiety and fear about money and to breath, to realize that at the moment i cannot make decisions as the tuition bills for my sons have not yet arrived so all I have is to be cautions and practical with finances.

I commit my self to stopping my self from wondering off into anxiety and fear and to in common sense look at what is here this month and that next month I will have a better idea of where I stand in terms of finances.

I commit my self to following  what I have outlined to complete on my home and to spend time everyday within the desteni process as this is what I am able to walk in the moment.

I commit my self to focusing on what is here, and to not wonder off in my mind , as my mind is built of the past and based on judgements within a hierarchy of stagnant labels and limited insight, an accepted separation of being here, where, as in my memory as a child, there is no answer to being here in common sense of what is here, where what is here is life, and as life, everything that is here is equal and one, and all the actions around me are me as it is the actions and the movements that are the being of life, where action becomes of absolute purpose when the principle of what is best for all is applied and thus here is the direction as what is best for all is best for self.