Day 293 Disgust Character Memory: Self Resistance

I have this memory coming up of my husband. He is propped up on the bed with his legs expended out straight. He is slowly rubbing his feet against one another. It was something he did when he sat and read or dealt with paper work on the bed in this way. I remember feeling disgusted by this, and even asking myself why I was having this reaction.
So I look at this as a projection, this “wave” as this emotion of disgust and I bring this back to myself. I slow myself down and I breath. And there it was, this was me, this had absolutely nothing to do with him, this is a piece of the “shell” of myself, within judging, that I have imposed on the reality around me, believing this to be “out there” when it is a movement as energy of my own volition. It is a “volume of separation” , distortion of reality, myself not facing myself. I am the one creating this state of being as “disgust” in the face of a reality that is simply being physical. I mean what the hell is wrong with rubbing one’s feet together? Animals rub against things all the time, even each other, they even lick themselves.
I looked at this “feeling” of disgust and it is how I feel about myself. It is myself disgusted with myself for not being in common sense here, with this physical world,it is myselffearing being common sense, as though being this, is something dirty and unwanted.
In another blog I wrote that asking others to look at something in common sense creates a reaction, as leaving the “text book/blueprint “ of the mind appears threatening, as this means letting go of what is actually causing the seeking, a perpetual state of seeking something, and spewing tons of data, as knowledge and information only, as though this is “the way to go”, which is like a “chicken running around with it’s head cut off”, so to speak, meaning, this is what one is actually doing, running around dead when common sense is not used.
I have to remember a scene with my father a couple of years ago, where I tried not to be the reactive behaviors I had been, and tried to talk with him instead, and what happened is that he looked at me and said , “ I don’t know how to stop what I do” and to see him be this was jarring to me, a woman at this point, as his daughter, to watch. I realized how frightened we all really are, how this has come to be so huge, we cannot see around it, or taking this on and walking through this, walking through this valley of the shadows of fear, is so seemingly “looming” there appears to be no way out. But there is a way out, it is to begin to “clean up the soot” of the fear and clear the waters of self of the separation into and as fear, this covered by and readable as moments of emotions and feelings, and thoughts, such as I have described above, this memory, laced with this emotion of disgust and an image from my past, where obviously I am not in common sense of here and am existing within some fantastic domain that is really about what i have acceptedand allowed in self judgement, knowing full well I have suppressed myself as life.
Why would two feet rubbing together cause a disturbance within me?
Was it the simple “sensing” nature of this? ( I wanted to say sensual but thought this would bring in a sexual element and this has nothing to do with this) Were those two feet rubbing together just simply what I was not allowing within myself as being myself as life, here? Like I am disgusted with this because it reminds me of what i am not using as what I am as life, sensing here, and to realize what i have created within my life in not allowing this? not being in touch with myself here? Has the physical touching the physical become something that generates disgust? Which in essence is saying that common sense is something dirty, and I react, as other react when common sense is applied or suggested as this means facing one’s separations, facing one’s “valley of shadows” that are one’s fears? Just as i looked and realized this disgust had nothing to do with my husband as this was ME, this was about ME, I was creating this, I was projecting this, this was me denying what i was allowing, and this event was the presence of what I resisted within and as my self, and so this persistent feeling of “disgust” as what I reject as the gift of life, is the answer to remove this separation, this shadow, what I am resisting persisting in and as mind, causing moments of emotions and feelings and judgmental thoughts that become a movie projection ontop of this reality. It is like a vortex/tunnel of sending a message outward where I am screaming ( silently) a “need/desire” and feeling physically a sinking feeling/movement and then not wanting to look at it and attaching it to the outer thing/image where if I were to actually stop and breath and listen to my chest it is really a longing to be myself as life, in common sense of myself as life, here. That is just one fucked up state of being, and obviously it is not living. And this is also systemic, because it has a series of movements/generations and thus, though not visibly/readily seeable, it can be “felt” if one simply takes the time and slow down and breathe.
So, I am going to look at this “disgust” as this is not walking in common sense, and it is absent of a directive capacity, and it indicates resistance, and what is resisted persists, as the separation into polarities of good and bad, as placing disgust onto the object and wanting to to “go away’ as though it is not me, is myself believing myself to be superior, as in “ not of this” projection that I believe is out there and not here, because I have been taught to follow such images as reality as mind, and really believe that such is not of myself. Such a thing would create so much inability to communicate on this earth, and this is exactly what is happening all over the world, a lack of communion with what is real, this physical substantive existence and how this physical functions. At present it is like mankind is doing the exact opposite of what is supportive of life. Sending flying shooting guns, as drones to depressed countries is NOT supportive of life, and there is absolutely no reasoning to substantiate this. Shooting things does not clean water, it does not grow food, it does not physically practically rebuild homes and take care of soils and animals, in no way shape or form is this an action of support and it is a waste of resource. It is about money and nothing else, it is money in self interest without consideration of life, it is a state of separation and thus, disease and it needs to be voted out and stopped ASAP. And we are all responsible. So, look at your limited reasoning and your projections and get your head out of the clouds. Flying shooting drones is not life, and yet, is clearly indicates that the technology is here to create world where all needs as life can be met. And I am sure there are inventors out there, that are disgusted with what has been developed to support abuse and destruction, when the intent was to create a world that supported life. Here one only need look to water purification systems that would alleviate the effects of dirty water in purposely left/disallowed undeveloped countries on continents that are abundant in resource.
The con-sequence of con-tradictions are to obvious to deny any longer.
So, if you experience a projection of disgust, know it is you, as what you have accepted and allowed, and it will persist the more you resist, the more you project it outward. And what it is, is you longing for yourself as life, longing for a return of your self as life to a common sense, one and equal, to and as life.

To be continued.

Day 81 Fear of Attack

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a hollywood movie in and as my mind about everything in and as my life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that all the movies as stories in and as my mind are a coloratura of a belief, opinion and idea of more than, in separation from what is actually physically here, where these embellishments are made real, and the actual physical world is ignored, where the actual physical has more embellishments and coloratura than any mind imagery could possibly “en-vision” in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have created mind movies and stories to support myself here, as I was afraid of here and within this actually became a “raid” of here, as taking from that which was forgiving, as what I am, and using this to hide in a separate reality, as a separation, from directing myself in and as, one and equal to, what was here as myself, this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that many of the movies in and as my mind where/are of hope, where I sought a dream of success and accolade by and with my imaginary audience, following the dictates of a world that glorified in bright lights fame and FORTUNE, meaning the accumulation of money to survive.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see that in maintaining this alternate reality, mind movies as what motivated myself to move here within this physical reality, I denied myself myself as life and thus denied myself one on one interaction with all of myself as all that is here, as all that is here is an expression of life, one and equal to me, and thus different parts of myself as varied and more fluid than any alternate reality limited and stagnant mind imagery.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to exist as my mind, I abdicated myself as life to singular two dimensional energetic dream land imagery and thus began chasing an idol and left all the joy of myself as life, depressed and suppressed, confined and sequestered into and as a tiny coffin as a box of shadows, composed of emotions and feelings and thoughts, a web of strings woven with worry beads of memories, from which I pulled experiences from my past to direct my future, all the while ignoring what was actually here in and as this physical world of which I am one and equal to here as this is myself as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the self forgiveness, writing, and corrective application process, as the DIP course offered by desteni is to clean up this alternate reality, to bring myself as life back to what is real, this physical world, to stop the mind imagery from taking the life in and as me, where I end up committing suicide as this is what all dis-ease - as dis-ease is separation from life- in fact actually is.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that in being a desire I am in ignorance of this physical world, as no real “god” would deny life, and thus is life here, all that is needed is here, it is only an idea that I desire, where this very idea as desire is used within this accepted and allowed profit based system to create and build an army of followers for the few who have developed characters that allow them to take all that is here for their mind alternate reality existence manifestation, and everything else that is here is made to serve the alternate reality movies and stories of the few, where this is not even this “elite”  ( those whose energetic lights have full feeding resource for their “lights” - lol)  groups real self expression as life, themselves not existing in and as the full capacity of themselves as life in and as the real joy of life as life is oneness in equality, as this is what will bring heaven on earth.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand  that denying the physical world is the ultimate racism, where the human knows that racism is a survival-defense mechanism on a grand scale, where one color is pitted against another, this being used and enflamed to allow a few alternate reality movies and stories to sit in luxury and watch their dream performances in physical comfort, while they are slowly diminishing to come to the same point of death as the mind alternate reality when the physical can no longer support the alternate mind reality movie.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within myself, allowing and accepting myself to feel sad about this is myself as belief in and as sadness, and not myself being here, one and equal to what I am, the physical, in absolute equality and oneness, where the strings of separation, as the strings of accumulation , where I have depressed myself into and as emotion, thoughts and feelings that are separate from what is actually here, as this physical world is the real instrument of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that this is too hard to decompose, these collected experiences in and as emotions and feelings collected into an album in and as a collection of characters developing a personality with which I project what it is that I am onto this world in order to survive within a system of inequality demanding subservience to limited ideas, belief, and opinion to allow a few a fully air conditioned, plush movie theater to view their movies composed of their past, where sex is needed and turned into an expression of release of built up energy and no longer the self here, expressing self as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my emotions, thoughts and feelings are my collection of beads I spin in and as my mind, my religion bracelet,  bought and utilized to keep me within a limited system to profit/survival, in separation of myself as life, as myself as the physical, as how I have allowed my physical self to direct myself as life here, where the outcome is dis-ease resplendent as what is presently existing on this earth, an existence of myself in separation from myself as life, as breath, as being one and equal as this physical world.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that any desire of gain is myself in separation, as in wanting more, I am not one and equal to what is actually here as what is here is life, as myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that all jealousy, spite, blame is myself defending my own separations, defending my own imaginary world, my own stories, my own movies.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize I am a character of fearing attack.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am constantly being attacked.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have movies in and as my mind of the potential of attack by a race, by another cultural ideology, by what my neighbor believes to be what is more than, by what my family believes to be more than, by what men believe to be more than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that within this I am defending what I believe, remaining stagnant within an idea and not looking at what is actually physically here and directing myself within common sense that we are all same, and thus what is best for all is the only choice, as this sameness of life, where the values - as belief , opinion and idea, are - are simply this, a different color, no single one greater than the other.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am only being attacked if I allow myself to be, as this is myself defending instead of being one and equal to the principle of what is best for all, as what is best for me, is best for all, as I am one and equal as life, to all, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that a survival/profit based system, grabs all resource for the gain of the few, thus within this system on this world, takes all support and defense away from many, leaving them to suffer in a world where there is plenty, as enough to support the life that is here exists.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that 52% of the American GDP is used on defense instead of as support for life, which is leading to a dis-eased existence for what is on this planet, and thus, I as myself, with the resources being pulled towards defense for the few to profit, am as an American becoming economically depressed - which is what war and defense is really about which many soldiers are now standing up and saying is unacceptable and where many soldiers cannot participate within as most soldiers on the battle front are unable to shoot directly at their supposed opponents and thus what the system does is create an indirect video game out of war by creating drones where men sit in a box on a distant continent and shoot at civilians that are basically in the way of the resource, and then these same men playing essentially what appears to be a video game, go home to their children as though their children are greater than other children, when these same men do not even understand where they come from and leave this understanding up to some imaginary god they have never seen.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the same system that builds the guns within this world, which must be the top 1% of this world that owns all resources, and thus know full well where they want their guns sent, as war is about resource acquisition despite life,  needs the support of men, and as men, it is up to us to stand and realize conflict and war are not life, so easily seen and understood in the fact that most men in war are unable to shoot directly at their supposed opponent as they realize that all that is here is life, and it is only greed that is the creation of defense.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that I have been programmed by a system of greed, creating an illusion of lack.

I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding my own defenses based on beliefs , opinions and ideas, where what I believe I can lose is the illusion.

I commit myself to remaining in and as breath, and as I walk my day, to step out of the character of believing myself to be attacked, and to practice addressing the belief in attack by others, to practice speaking within and as breath in common sense of what is best for all, visible in myself and/or the other relaxing within themselves almost like a sense of relief to no longer have to support what is known as a temper tantrum of gain in separation of what is real.

I commit myself to breathing with every step here, to self realize oneness in equality with and as this physical world.

I commit myself recognizing my own line of defense characters and stepping out in union with breath to no longer participate in protecting a personality, as a persona is a projected and accepted movie of self in separation from life.

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