Working with my own emotional firewalls Day 753

I had an interaction with a family member where I noticed that I rushed in something I said. If I look, I realize an pattern that I have lived come forward. It is a color of rushing, and of trying to get on top of something said, to both push it away and fix it. What also happened is that what was being explained by my family member, the overall story did not come out in one moment, it came out in a series of moments. This is noted because in hearing the whole situation, the movements being described became more clear. I realized that in the environment where things separate from this story, were being done, so the interaction moved from one focus to another, as the sort was told during the completion of other tasks. 

One of the states of belief I move into, is to rush, like to talk in such a way to fix a problem as though I know, before I hear the whole story. Like there is a sense that i am supposed to fix something. If I do not I am not a good person. I am inadequate. Within this I can see where this idea can become a distraction, and I miss elements of things only to be embarrassed later that I did not slow down and listen to the whole story of information that is describing itself to itself, because this is what we do in so many ways, to substantiate a person who is basically resolving something. Here, I want to say, it is almost as though humans do resolve their issues themselves, walk through them, what is needed more often than not, is listening, being patient. After all, one of the ways we have become a consciousness of separation is because we did not take the time to look, to slow down, to self realize, to walk our past actions, to deconstruct and reconstruct to realize how we are caught in a situation that is out of synch with an easy flow and understanding that is non-disruptive of what is more natural as a state of being present. 

In realizing the patterns of separation, in the game of blame and spite, projections of values onto others for a perceived fault, which is a perceived imbalance, there are sequences, of reactions and actions, patterns, and these can be realized and within such, one can become more patient, and listen, even within myself, and play with seeing the forms. Somehow, I rush within this, and it leaves a sense of unfinished business, where I then blame myself, become ashamed, want to go back and fix something, go into self pity, a sense of impossibility, when right there, was a flow of description that could see itself and resolve an issue. In a way, one only need retell the story, and lend a mirror image of actions that pull the whole together to allow a reciprocity for the teller to see more the parts and the whole, to have insight into what they are revealing to themselves, because in a way, we all know what we are doing. 

In a way, the solution is to bring forward the pattern for self recognition, that pattern given, through listening, and to use the imagination to show the form, to lend self discovery. This is being agreeable, and working through a mis-understanding, to allow insight with self as another as I would want this for myself. And, to be consistent with this process, to become more agile in recognizing it. After all, I am here, so why the rush? Becoming a rush to define, creates an information bias, or a focal distraction, as ideas, beliefs and opinions. It is lacking  a faith in the command of who and what i am as a human being, that can take in, or listen, to hear the whole form, to recognize patterns and align them with presence. Here presence means not being reactive, not wanting a gain, or, wanting what one would want for one’s self. BY this I mean, an understanding that in meeting with another with insight , one has a steady groundedness in understanding that can stand in time, and be more compassionate without coloring compassion as a value judgement as a gain. After all, humans are less anxious and more productive when they are focused.

On a greater scale, the time to listen to others, is so missing from our society. This is apparent in the form of our schools, that are more listening only to one person, as are the platforms of the media. We rarely have the time to get what we see, to reflect on what we are seeing in the very form of our busy lives. And yet, we are taught to listen, but not reflect on what we listen to.  We do not look at what we have taken in, and relate it to the practical that is so missing in our lives. And, ironically, what our younger people are losing the capacity to do as they become adults. I mean, I have read complaints that younger generations have no interpersonal and practical skills. How can they if they spend their childhood years only watching and listening, and without follow through into application? In some ways, as a society, how can we blame them when the adults have allowed a system that does not lend the time to listen, to be patient, to resolve, to place what is being heard, and as such, formed, into practical applications in this living reality? 

And, within this, punishment of this, is not correction. Thus, punishment is pointless, it is only more blame and spite. it is only more of the problem. It is like the dis-ease has to become so big, to much an ‘ elephant in the room’ before we acknowledge this. It is like the chemical fixes as drugs placed in the market, that have not had careful studies done, and that start having side effects that grow and grow, are buried, are denied until they can no longer be denied, and the drug is taken off the market. These actions of not taking real care, of not really listening to what we are doing, are not of benefit for us. How many times are we going to allow this before we realize there is only one choice? That choice is to slow down and listen, to realize the form, see and check the consequences, make sure there is no harm, and then move into action. Such care, real care, real consideration would lead to greater presence and more faith in who and what we are as mankind.  Otherwise, we all become personalities living in juggling the lack, and wonder why we did not really live our lives when we reach the end. This is why, there is not other choice, but the choice to do no harm, to take that which is good, as that which brings clarity of practical purpose, and to realize the patterns within of separation and the focus of and as what grounds us here, to be present in this life, in the art of real  living. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear the valley of value judgements.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to rush

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not slow down and hear the whole story, to allow that story to come forward, in all it details, which means in this present existence, of busyness that sometimes the whole story takes time to unfold.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is some form of competition, and that I must prove something about who and what I am, when I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want a quick fix, not seeing realizing and understanding that when and as I speak, before I speak, especially after having walked so many patterns that I can ask myself if I have enough information, and even to ask more questions to bring what is informing and occupying another, and myself to get into all the corners of the story, to check and make sure a clear understanding is formed, to them begin to deconstruct and reconstruct into what lends presence , as greater presence brings greater insight, to the extent the gift given which is natural and who and what we are as humans,  is aligning into clarity, into practical actions that can move with no uncertainty, and a real groundedness that brings ease.

I forgive myself for, as  a reaction to my own default, for allowing and accepting myself to move into self pity, self blame and self hate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then move into a belief that things are impossible, when I am here wit what is constant as the presence of life. of creation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not slow down, and to realize in every breath in every moment that I as who and what i am as life, can slow down, listen, be patient. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to focus on a belief that I am not enough, and that remembering being grounded here, is impossible, when I am possible as who and what I am in form and function as a living being, as a man, here. 

When and as I find myself moving into resistance, I stop, I breath, I slow down, and I see realize and understand resistance as a red flag, to realize whereIi am rushing, disrespecting who and what I am as life, as self blame, blame, comparison/competition,  self pity/ disempowerment,  giving up, self hate, and I stop, I breath, I ground myself here, to live the practice of presence and patience, to stand as what is real, as the practice of being present in who and what I am, to live the realization that there are no problems only solutions, and that who and what I am, is more natural.

When and as I find myself moving into a sense that things are impossible, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I become agile in living insight, leading to living solutions with consistency, to stand in living the joy of understanding and being in and with and as the presence of who and what I am, which is life, here.

When and as I find myself believing that something is impossible, I stop, I breath, I listen, I hear, I stand with presence in consideration of all things, breathing through anxiety, to hear what is in synch with life, as this physical world that is me, and that is all around me here.  

Teach Talking as the Education of Experience Day 735

I played music for so long that I got to the point where when a mistake happened it meant correcting something, that is all.  There was no one to blame only the correction to make.

I remember a stand partner, who rushed at a certain point and myself becoming irritated because of this rushing. I could hear how the section was practiced. This player, who was capable, played the section as though it were an exercise. Within this, it means the group was no longer the connection, it was a meter and a line directing the player, without sensing the greater movement of the group. Thus, this stand partner was always a little ahead of the group movement. For me this meant having something else to listen to, the group’s rhythm and her rhythm. It is standing in a space with movement and there are conflicting movements happening. So that I do not become my stand partners ‘ meter in a space’ I had to listen past this player to remain grounded in the movement of the whole musical group.  My thought, laced with irritation, was that rushing through a section because one is either afraid of it, or does not really know it well enough (same thing) is not fun, lol, is not fundamental, meaning is not remaining grounded, as in listening to the whole and moving with it.  I also thought that this partner probably did not have the time to practice the piece, as the money paid for performing with this group, was not enough to allow that more careful practice. 

This stand partner probably had too many other things to do in the name of survival.  I know that because one can be asked to perform, and the idea of a payment that includes the time it takes to get musicians together to practice, is something that appears to not be in the awareness of the entities paying to have a performance, they do not seem to remember all the background time spent getting to a point where a person, and especially a group, comes together to make the desired music requested! So many times, I simply sight read themusic, yet, could hear that a greater intimacy and expression could be what was presented if there were but one or even two rehearsals. Everything starts to become a rush job, which ends up compounding over time, into such things as I experienced, as a stand partner who rushes in a certain section, no longer caring, just wanting to get through, even though, this person was probably aware of this, and did the best they could. They were uncomfortable afterwards, a subtle tension happening, which indicates a sense of not being in sync. We are, very aware, and very capable, we know what we do. We hear the backlash of justifications that are like a post balancing act to excuse our actions. This overall, reveals the means to correction is inherent in us at all times. We must become the living math of creation, accepting nothing but what balances us in being present in real time, with here, on this earth. This earth is the real orchestrated creation, capable of balancing itself out, to remain in harmony. lol, remain embracing here, or, wrapping our arms around here. Here is the ‘ oneness’ another word within the word harmony. The ‘y’ being an ‘ i’ as though we are individual and yet one at the same time. 

My point here, is reacting with irritation, is self interest and the projection of blame. In this case being annoyed that I have to counter movement with my stand partner, I have to listen to them and the whole, and remain balanced, where it would be more natural for us to move together, more pleasing, as I have had this experience too. Being in synch with the neighboring musician is fun. The being in synch is fundamental and thus more grounded. That feels more stable than countering movements. That I allow a countering movement to disturb me, where I react,  is not standing in stability. I should know enough, within experience, to know that listening and remaining stable, within the whole, is a greater state, as it often is then followed, and movements will naturally rebalance in space. Thus, reaction only fuels the fire of imbalance.

This brings me to the point of facing resistances, which are really only ‘ not having the whole story’ or a lack of addressing limitations. It is like getting stuck in a meter, or a measure, as an idea, or the consequence of such practice, as in not being up to a speed of considering some aspects.  In this, one is leaving a part of one’s self behind and enetering a bubble of contrasting beats lacking connection to the whole. This separation in turn will be the voice, will be the seeming resistance, and the ensuing justifications will reverberate, just as they have within myself, and as a tension between two people. as that justification happens in silence, yet is present in the space. With my stand partner, it meant a couple of rehearsals where we did not speak to one another, as though we were hiding that past, it being too close to the moment and thus remembered. Things like this happen a lot within the inherent intimacy of playing an instrument, where the body is so focused on time and space. One cannot hide. After all, we have a saying in music that if one can hear the player thinking, they do not really know the piece. One plays in such a way, that the listener cannot hear the thinking. 

My point here, is that the state of not being connected, in any given situation, will cause the storm of separation, as all the justifications and beliefs come forward. There is no escaping it.  The solution is to never react, as I did with irritation, it only fuels the fire. I must expect the limitations, not allow them to irritate me, and to the best of my ability, listen to what is here, and ground myself within that, telling the real story, bringing it back to myself, as who and what I am as a physical being, here.  

I said something yesterday in the presence of two other people. Immediately there was a reaction.  The one person that reacted, did not speak, they simply made a grunting noise. lol.  I wanted the person to speak up, yet, in some ways they could not.  They needed more information before speaking up. For me, it is allowing such things to happen not expecting them or resisting them, as in so many ways I am in an orchestrated set body of information that has lost its connection to the whole. Thus, every move is grounding myself no matter what. This means, bringing it back to self/

What precipitated this blog is a message written by one of our autistic children. 

“DARING EACH TALKING PERSON TO WALK IN SILENCE FOR PEOPLE TO USE EDUCATION IN EXPERIENCE. YES. GIVE THE CHALLENGE. TEACH TALKING IS SO MEANINGFUL WHEN YOU LIVE WITHOUT IT DAILY LIKE ME AND FELLOW TYPERS"

Here is the link to the video:

https://www.facebook.com/leslie.h.weed/videos/10206438532902033/?pnref=story

It is that statement of “ daring each person to walk in silence ( and ) for people to use EDUCATION IN EXPERIENCE. 

Then, to place this statement into “ teach talking” is astounding, as it means, for me, that this woman is saying to only speak, to only talk, from real experience. It suggests for me, that this autistic person is saying that there is too much speaking about things that one has no real experience with and as, This means that we all talk within speaking memorized theories about things, which have no real substance, and thus, cannot really be heard because there is no real understanding. This means so few speak or move from being present, from experience, from real living. This child realizes that few are really listening, few are hearing the silence, to then speak in consideration of what is here, what is real. She is saying, for me, that speaking from real experience has much greater substance, and thus meaning, and that without this, life is very difficult. 

Within this, I realize that when I bring whatever information comes towards me, back to self, back to my living experiences, as practical things I have done, I can tell a real story, one that has greater meaning in that it can be shared and given, as real solutions, even within grounding my own mistakes from speaking as theory before real experience. To do this often means listening to myself and what it means to practice being here, in this reality, on this earth. 

In terms of my experiences within music, instead of blaming and spiting, it is to realize how the present system influences outcomes, and to not become irritated, to remain as much as possible within being grounded and stable, to the point where I ‘ teach talking’ through an educing, or education ( of) experience opposed to theory- as something I memorized or lived within my imagination only, without real practical application.  With my stand partner, it might have been to say something like, ‘ I sometimes have to become more mechanical than present, because I do not always have the time to practice a section because I am so busy making a living” Such a statement might not allow the space to change this, immediately, yet it will not inflame a situation. Instead it will bring in more compassion, a compass of understanding that in turn creates a more peaceful environment that then causes less tension, opening more space to process this reality. This would change the very nature of the next time a passage comes along that is not integrated as well as one would want, and be played in such a way that there is more awareness of the self in relation to the surroundings, and what then is played, is a ‘ talking’ that is more aware of a real experience. Often such insight opening, in itself, begins a self correction because there is more space and time, than we are aware of when lost in reactions, to live a real change into being more aware, present and grounded. It is in this space that corrections are made, are lived. 

Thus, when I talk, when I speak, I bring it back to myself, and I fear nothing, because I am here. I can educate through a talk that is of experience rather than theory. I can cross reference what is real, what has a meaning grounded in practice, in experience. This does not irritate, this grounds. This has not the clutter of an imagination of ideas about things, memorized, without real practice, this has a greater substance, and that is what really educates a person. This is sharing real experience, practical living experience.  Of course, this child admits that so many are not listening, and instead  talking theory instead of reality. This is what is here, thus reactions and the scream of theory, and the justifications for this theory are all around us, meaning that scream of limitation is going to happen, nothing to take personally, and not something that can define who and what I am. Will I make mistakes, as I am a product of this present system, yes. Well, I did not learn to crawl and to walk, or to play the violin without making mistakes. I am the only person that decides who and what I am, no one else can do that for me. I can become more grounded here, in this living reality. This is who and what I really am. 

Reciprocity Day 703

Within the sales process I have learned the importance of listening. There are levels of listening, as one must see the whole and the parts. One thing I notice is how self validation comes forward, in the form of the speakers experience, the things that express the structure the person uses to self guide, to self support. It is a form of conception, a form of knowledge and information that defines the person. I must listen to this, as it shows me what the person uses to order themselves and their goals, and what is unique about them. This means, that window into what potential they gravitate towards to connect as a starting point with this earth.

The moment I interrupt them, I am essentially beginning to force something on them. I am taking what they have said and already, in a rush, relating it to myself. I have not asked questions to clarify and made sure that I understand where they come from, what they have defined themselves as. And, I have not used their state of being to hear what would more than likely, to a tiny degree, expand my awareness, because inevitably, everyone is unique, because everyone is standing on a different point on the ground, thus even with all the layered stories of experience within this, there is always an insight buried in the storm. I must listen for that, and yet, understand the building around that point. It becomes an incredible thing to be able to do, this math, and this discovery of a point of connection. This is overall a process, and it is the same for myself, as it is for another. It is a reciprocal process.

Lately, I have attached the image of a horse to this process. For some reason I define a horse as having a reciprocal nature. This is moving backwards and forwards, to see the parts and the whole, to even enjoy this process. It is accepting the gift of understanding and then reconstructing once a connection is made. 

Before I began to realize this, I would get scared and angry, righteous and overwhelmed, moving into all manner of justifications and frustrations to push a goal I had within me. There is nothing wrong with the goal, really, it is who I am within what I am doing that is the problem. That rush, my own agenda wanting a quick connection instead of realizing that the process is living. In space and time I can only be here, and development moves in many ways, like self awareness is in perpetual change, or transformation, and that this is being here. 

This reminds me of the summers I allowed art students to open a gallery in my living room. Each student had a different approach to their art. One did iconographic pictures, mixing up cartoon-like images in new ways. Another, did pictures of nature, oil paintings and water colors. Another, did really simple still life’s of objects. When people walked into the gallery, they would automatically be drawn to certain images.  Some like the simple and somewhat amateur still life’s, some went right to the paintings of nature, and some stood in front of the story line images.  Each type of art made some sale. 

Thus, each person reveals their own belief systems within their choices, and their words more than likely reveal the patterns of their belief, and the experiences used to justify their belief systems. Before one can connect with another, one must reciprocate, meaning move back and forth, listening and understanding where a person comes from as their perspective of reality. 

Within this, resistance is productive, because it helps realize what defines as a structure and then allows one to open up that structure in small and simple ways, to open doors into accepting other perspectives and expand within one’s self. Within this, comes an ease and a sense of trust. And, an exposure of how all of this works, because one then has the contrast of one’s belief and that of another. Thus what could be considered a limitation, becomes a means towards expansion. Limitation becomes an illusion. Yet, this is how we learn, this is how we practice becoming present, enjoying form no matter what and seeing it for what it is and looking outside of that to change, as change will happen in small steps, digestible steps. This is reciprocity at work, moving backwards and forwards until something is clear, enjoying one another no matter the starting point. 

What does this mean in practice? This means listening to the story being told. This means hearing the value judgements, realizing the persona is in the words, getting to know the personality. Within this, discovering the potential suppressed as the means to the end, have not been lived and instead a past of experience leading to a role, as a persona was the choice made. This means moving back and forth, grounding one’s self in the physical reality that is right here. This physical reality remains, even when the persona wavers in protection and defense, avoidance and blame. In the silence, and the stillness of focus can one begin to sense patterns and call them out by name, indirectly telling stories, creating a value  that realizes the capacity through ordinary action that leads to the extraordinary movements that we all admire for their grace and ease. Those who have a small measure of development, that supposed exception to accepted and allowed rules that reveal in every way, the means to the end - as it is simple. What complicates is what causes resistance. That self suppression via limitation and ideas of lack circulating as pictures and words, as voices in the memory, a mind full of morality codes made larger than life and in separation from the practice of reality , a physical reality. It is a firewall , that is emotional. It is the veil. It has parts that are good, yet those are ideas  - not presence  in reality,  they are  - right or wrong - personifications. They are illusion, they are like a television. You are electrical and magnetic by design.  As within, so without, as above, so below.

So much of my life has been caught in sympathy. This means being sympathetic only, accepting another persona and agreeing with it, instead of realizing real empathy is listening and then giving practical solutions that move the path SIM-ulated into an expansion that allows one to move with ease and create, meaning to live the kind of potential realized inherent in the design of who and what we are as men, with two arms and two legs and two hands and the ability to move with our presence into forms, be they imagined or real, to sense the space of this reality around us, catching those point of resistance and yet seeing the creation of them, an inflating of what is a value judgement made huge, and bringing what was not expressed, or what was missed into a practical action. This is making things small, as within an equal size relationship to the physical world. This can only be done right here, in the commons of reality that is the physical world.

Within this I need not fear the projections of the mind of men as this is not who and what they really are. I need not fear losing anything, because what expands and creates can never be lost, yet it can become silent and begin again. What works remains and what destroys cannot remain, we either realize the value being life, or we continue believing that our egos are larger than life, mis-using the imagination with what is an imperfect practice, as we are not here, in respect of physical reality.

If we accept knowledge and information from an authority that speaks on a soap box from a distance, we lose all connection to our natural ability to assess reality, and we become instead filled with malice- a crystallization mercurial in nature a false morality, because we miss what is hidden in plain sight as the physical world.  We believe that adderal will help our depression because the label by the authority says so. We follow instead of investigate. later we may discover that this ‘ thing’ is really crystal meth with an added chemical chain that does not change the action of the original and real name. The damage done from such following is the mis-takes never solved, these which accumulate as mis-information/story, that weigh down the body while one lives in a false bliss up there in a bubble that is a personification. If we listen we all hear this, we all see this, we all know this. It is that we fear to live. Yet, that which we fear is the only way out. This is why that which we resist persists, because it must be made clear and brought down into practical measure equal to physical reality, as the physical is creation in expression.

Within myself, in relation to this, I realize the people I have trusted I can no longer trust, or that I am alone, that I must stand and be responsible for who and what I am.  Someone once said, trust no one. In reality, I can only trust myself, with the help of the commons, as the ground here, I can begin to slow down and listen and no longer become confused, or recognize that I am confused and see that I have not found that simple point to bring forward that is always right there in front of me, in every moment. For this, I can use my best friend; silence - and who has a twin known as patience.  I am here. I can take that which is good and does no harm and I can walk with self forgiveness into investigation and assessment to find what is self corrective until equality in each and every point realizing the value is life is here on earth.  I see, realize and understand that fear is a sign that I am not present in reality. I can use the capacity of myself as life, to take the time to reciprocate and build understanding and then relate to respecting reality and choosing what is best for all, as this is what s best for self, here. 

Day 698 I love words. Yet not in the way I think.

I have been told that I am, or have loved, to be intellectual. Yet, this being true to some extent, it never really quite fit.  I loved words in many ways. I loved it when someone said something in a different way. I could read very badly written books just to hear how the person said something. Here, in contrast, I have so-called educated friends that could not read a book that was badly written.  Thus, by contrast, I was not only, as another way to say this, interested in well written books, I could read and listen to people who were not so polished in their use of words.  I had learned that even unsophisticated word use could have, in relation to myself, undiscovered insight and perspective. Because of this, I did not see myself as an intellectual. Through a measure of not only reading some collectively accepted ‘ well written or spoken “ word usage, I did not place myself in being ‘ intellectual.”  Amazing how I can justify resisting one point through one degree of difference! lol Yet, this is also a misplaced creative ability, an ability to absorb and discern measure.  This is a great strength turned within, inverting things within only, and as a consequence completely separate from reality, from the physical, from including reference to all life. 

In a moment, I realized how I had used words as a shield, creating a personality. In that moment, there was that personality, like a projection of an idea, to protect me ( from?) as loving words. By extension this is loving information.  I created a protective wall of words. There I was standing behind the words. In that moment, my whole voice and presence changed, like a mirage being removed, or being seen. I can’t do that anymore.  It is to say that I always gave from a point of self protection, which is self interest, and never gave of myself.  My survival came first. 

So, I ask myself, have I listened to words to protect myself, or have I listened to words to see through the veiled constructions of others in lack or in a seeming polished word use?  And, by extension,  have I been a seeker and a lover of information,? The difference is so subtle, yet both exist, and they are an occupation, separating me from myself, from being present here.  It is no wonder I have not been able to open my heart and give of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to love words in self interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use words in protection and self defense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a personality, a persona of words, charging words with a value in and of themselves.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that words are a means of communication, never being the reality around me as the physical, the real information that is creation information.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that if I do not have the words I do not understand, thereby getting caught up in such a belief, and missing what is right here in front of me, as the physical, where words are the means of men to communicate and order themselves within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make idols of words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a dictionary lacking reference to life, as the physical, the real information of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to cling to words as a means of getting attention.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that part of me that forms the words,

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to over time, lose myself in words, and separate myself from being grounded, here, equal with what is real, as the physical, as who and what I am before any words came to be the means of communication as me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to go into self pity, like a rain coming down, from my mind, like the death of an idea, as something I have allowed to limit the expression of myself as life, and to feel shame, and regret, as this is more of the same, as myself in separation from being present here, respecting everything that is here as the physical world, thus instead of self pity, and shame and regret, it is to ground myself here, standing up as who and what  I am as a physical beingness in expression here.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am not enough.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that my words are not enough, when it is not the words it is what and who I am in relation to the words I speak.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to remember myself to the physical in every moment, in every breath, the very infrastructure of here, as this earth, as this hearth, as this heart of and as me, being grounded in reality as the physical, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to become like the stars in the sky, emerging from the darkness, as being the real potential of myself as life, in expression here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within and as an inflated value system, charged with resistances and acceptances as value judgements about the physical, in protection and defense of my own fear of being life, in a mind consciousness system of limited ideas, opinions and beliefs, hidden in the labels  and idols of gender, culture, race, nationality, class, religion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide through the use of words, in ritual, tradition, and testimonials about reality without real investigation that I have accepted and allowed without question and without cross reference to the practical, as the physical reality that is me, before any and all ideas, beliefs and opinions I accept and allow to define me, and to instead remember being present and grounded, in respect of the infrastructure of and as the physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the present system is the same as me,  using constructs of and as words to create a legal fiction supporting a military industrial complex of protection and defense, using the economy of the ecology that is the means of life  to hold in place constructs of beliefs , opinions and ideas, creating rituals, ceremonies and testaments  that one thing is more than another, all in separation from reality as the physical.

When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, slowing way down, to assess my starting point.

When and as I find myself beginning to speak, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down, and I remember the physical the practical, here.

When and as I find myself using words, within and without, I slow way down, breath and ground myself here, remembering my feet on the ground, and all that is here as the physical, the trees, the animals, the plants, the planets, the air, the water, the soils, the birds, the dogs, the cats, the horses etc.

When and as I find myself placing myself into and as words, I stop, I breath, I slow myself way down, to accept and allow the physical as me, here.

When and as I find myself moving to express words, I stop, I assess reality, I ground myself, here,   I let go of the past, as what I have accepted and allowed, and I stand here.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath, and I sort them out here, grounding them here, bringing resistances, jealousies, limitations here, relating ideas, beliefs and opinions as words, to the physical, as reality, as the practical, here. 

When and as I find myself becoming tense, within and as my chest area, and my physical body, I stop and I breath, I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, no longer accepting and allowing a projection of words as a wall of defense, to realize the simple in the moment, as I am here, in this moment.

When and as I find myself  reacting to limitation, to resistance, to justification, to jealousy, I stop and I breath and I ground myself in the infrastructure of the physical, to live what is practical, here, realizing what does no harm, here.

When and as I find myself becoming a personality of words, of loving words, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I ground myself here, equal and one to the physical, in respect of life, here.

When and as I find myself moving as words only, I stop and I breath, and I ground myself here, to see realize and understand the physical, to understand life, which is physical through a cross reference of the life that surrounds me and is me as the physical.

When and as I find myself listening to words I see, realize and understand that I can hear the subtle articulations and pressures of values pulled into greater emphasis or lack of being processed, the tapering off of sound, the clutter of justification, and I see realize and understand that no matter what, the words are in the end a reflection of reality, a type of song in chaos, of and about the physical and yet they are the seeds of creation, as words are things and they are sound. 

Day 691 What is seven generations? Does the value judgement hide the means?

Coming out from under the lack of responsibility to what is here.

I have these memories that appear so vague. 

I would not say they are a back chat of words, they are in themselves a form that has no word.

A recent one is a movement of myself feeling like there is this pressure coming down on me and it is like I want to get out from under it, yet no matter how hard I try, it remains.

It is relentless and I dread the coming of it. I want to hide from it.

I do not know how to get out from under it.

It is like climbing up a long stairwell. Yet, I resist accepting it.

I fight as resistance to it.

I get really really quiet to avoid it, to have some resemblance of myself within the coming of it- so to speak. All I have is a memory of a movement.

All I have is a sense of ‘ getting out from under “ and  this thing to get out from under of being a ‘stairwell to climb into’.

I was with a child the other day. They had a lot of coping behaviors. They sat down to focus and then very quickly became overwhelmed. I decided to model for them.  While I modeled, they became suddenly very silent, very very still. A deep quiet. A deep stillness. They watched me for a moment.  There were no reactions from them, no personal behaviors that existed in the previous moment. Just a sudden sitting up straight and with a great stillness, watching what I was doing.

In these moments it is like there is someone real there. I am suddenly aware that there is a person there, a sentient being, an awareness that defies the ideas I have in relation to superficial protections and defenses whose gossip I might accept if I did not pay attention and look.

We say that many of our children can remember who the latest movie star married yet they have no understanding of history.  As the ends reveal the means, this shows that our children are by design very absorbent. They can take in information, especially if it is something within their environment. They can remember what appears real, what they can relate to. Since we impulse a good in telling every little girl that she is a princess, she then relates that to reproductive relationships, and defines herself as that. Of course, this relationship in reality is going to be a ‘ guiding measure’ and the stories around them of this, about this, as this is what is ubiquitous in the media, is going to be how the tree grows! That information is the proverbial ‘ fertile ground’ and it is real, it is here.

The history of the past is no longer here, thus it is a story that has no real relationship to connect with what is actually alive and moving here.

Should the history we are taught have a real relationship to what is real here? Would this give an understanding of how here, where we are living, works?  I mean, does not the bible say that the sins of the fathers remains for seven generations? The ends reveal the means, thus, when we take a statement such as seven generations of information is passed on, and we polarize that concept into a bad, we create an entity about this, and get caught up in the consequence in a fear of it, when it reveals something in a mathematical way right in front of us. It means that we are like seeds and retain a resonance , that is a measure, a movement of information that is passed on. Perhaps it is what has yet to be cleared up as information that has not sorted itself out in aligning itself into a relationship that moves in tune with that which our children can remember. They remember it because it is relatable to what is within this actual living world.

We can call our children stupid if they do not know who was president 100 years ago, yet obviously they can retain vast amounts of information. It is not the ability to retain information that is the problem,  it is the information they are asked to remember - to memorize. The information has no practical correlation to this actual world around them. 

This also begs the question as to what information we are placing in front of/on-top-of them. It is as though we are asking them to live in two different worlds, one of ideas and one they see right in front of them, that is different from the one they are asked to accept. And we wonder why they are presently losing any development in fine motor skill development. It is because there is the absence of this development. The child can absorb , it is what they are absorbing. How in any way can we blame the child when the child is doing what is natural to them? They absorb what is placed before them. And they sense when that information is not a real relationship to the actual physical world around them.  Then, they naturally become behaviors of resistance! 

Thus, somehow, my memory that has no name,  to ‘ get out from under’ and ‘ climb the staircase’ fit into this scenario. It is a memory of resisting something that made no sense, and yet there was no way out, or so I believed. And as there are no words but a parabola, in my descriptions  I did not have the means to express what was happening to me YET.

The means of this,  is the means to sort this all out. I can stand and see the sea of information-stairway and remain firmly rooted on the ground, with what is alive and here, and clean up, or align seven generations of a separation from real living into what is best for all, which is what is best for what is here, as the physical.

What does this mean? This means, turning and facing the storm of and as this sea of information, to begin the process of ordering that back into defining itself into a relationship with the physical, with life, with what is living and here. The same means of  resistance is the means of defining things into what is living, to what is in sync with what is real, which is the physical. I can become quiet and listen, and assess and investigate, I can as that inherent nature as what I am,  stand in awareness as a starting point of stillness, absorb a form and relate it to what is alive and here, right in front of me, to remove seven generations of miss-takes on reality where there is no time for blame, and become the actual doing that is the magic of creation in expression as the physical.  I can ‘ get under’ the measure, the form, the mendacious gossip, and remove this so-called stairway to heaven, a sea of generated information and redefine it into what is practical living, because this is where I am, and this is what is real, right here in front of me. All the king’s men and all the king’s horses cannot do this, and anyway, I am the means as the gift of life as who and what I am. 

Day 505 Resistance to words.

I spent a lot of time working with my younger son in middle school. The memory I have is sitting down and looking at every single paper he had to write. What I did was check if he had structured his papers correctly. I allowed myself to get to a frenzied point of dreading to check his work, going to him and asking him if , for example, this or that was a topic sentence, and if this or that was a detail, or if he had substantiated what he had said enough, etc.etc. etc.. But I had become so anxious about it that I have developed this anxious energy that is triggered whenever I have to read something.

Also, when I returned to school, I had to read a lot of books. Some of these books went on and on and on about teaching experiences in a manner of praising teaching and doing this through citing good moments of success. It was a song of how good a person was, and it would go on and on and on and on. And I would read the book because I believed that i had to read every word given to me for the class, that perhaps in all the self aggrandizement there was one sentence that had a point, and I did not want to miss that point. People do and can say very insightful things, but sometimes there is so much fluff around their words it is like wading through mud to get to them. But then, again, this is the mind, filled with the molasses of good and bad, self justification and self validation, and one walks the vortex of separation until finally some point comes through as that person walks through experience all the way back to themselves. Such a waste of time really. And a catch twenty two, because we are supposed to accept this, but this is what needs to be cleaned up. It really is unacceptable. And I am caught in this just as much as anyone. And, this is used to slow down and waste the very life in each of us. It is how the media touts a truth and buries it in half truth/unclear associations that consume life as one spends one’s life sorting through what should be clear, what should be self equal and one with physical reality.

So, because this was not clear to me, and I am not saying that I can catch this every time, because I am conditioned to accept the spin of association or I will be considered rude, when what is rude is the spinning of associations that take attention/focus away from common sense of physical reality. Which means popping bubbles of good and bad values, and getting to the heart of the situation. Which means, standing stable within this, not reacting to the reactions, bringing it all back to common sense.

So, I realize that I have my own values, as judgements attached to reading words, because of these emotional reactions I had in the past within working with my son and reading texts that were filled with a person talking about how wonderful their experiences were, instead of being direct, within what they were doing. And, within this, to realize that there are people who love reading such things, like a romantic novel, wallowing in the endless description of good feelings, where there is then a dip into a possible loss of the ideological picture, that is then a movement of conflict with that ideology that is then brought back resolved, back to the ideological picture. A kind of orgasmic tension and release, via imagery as idea, as mind, very limited in detail, and as such, never able to be lived, thus the book world becomes an alternate reality one escapes to, that does not match physical reality. And physical reality is never lived, one’s sensation of the physical is never realized.

This reaction to words within me is also tied to my mother. I have been told that I am supposed to be compassionate to the emotions and feelings of another, and it is like sitting and “ reading” the same kind of book that goes on and on in self validation. For years, I would become so restless, dreading to have to do this, even thought I could not explain why precisely. And, many times I would put my foot in my mouth - so to speak- because I would call out the point of what was being said before the person got to wallow their way to the point. 

I was at this party, and the man of the house, walked me around to look at all his creations, they were these framed boxes of sectioned trinkets. Each little square had many of the same object. They were very well done. And fun to look at for a moment. The craftsman ship was cool. I enjoyed them. Then we sat down to dinner and he leaned close to me and started to tell me his story, the story of his relationship to his father. I listened. Then it dawned on me that his story was to same story written in books about the father/son relationship. I did not want to hear this pitty patter, I wanted to join in the group conversation. It all happened so fast, it appears slow here because writing is so linear, but in the moment it was more a quantum thought - so to speak. Anyway, I looked at him and said, “ oh, that is Kafka’s story.” Silence. The man had a look on his face like a deer in headlights. More silence. he never spoke to me again. Would not even say hello at the beach parking lot.  I had in one moment unspecialized his story. oops.

Hey, maybe there would have been the tiniest degree of difference, and maybe I would have learned some measure of awareness. But I honestly don’t think so, and, AND, that awareness could have been shared within the group, as an addition to the conversation of the group having a dinner together. Perhaps, the group interaction would have required that the insight from his experience in life be made more concise, more direct. Because, participation in a group demands sharing the space of life, which would balance out tendencies to make one’s emotions and feelings bigger than reality. If I take this and place it in the context of the present system, then we can realize that inequality, where money is directed by a few, instead of from each point of the ground, through purchasing power,  then perhaps the poverty and the abuse we are all allowing to exist would not exist, because the voice of each would balance out inequality, and give the insight of all physical form’s perspective. As it is, it is like we ignore the total fabric of the physical world, and as such limited our awareness of life. And we end up listening to a very limited awareness of life and/or this awareness is spread out and not shared because our feel good emotions are made bigger than reality, as we are not using our heart to sense reality, as the physical world. Instead we hold onto ideas, like we make a trophy of a limited insight/perspective. I mean, this is what advertising does, and it impulses it again and again, filling the vessel of ourselves up, clouding direct seeing in common sense of reality.

I have created an entity as a belief within myself about reading words. I have expectations that the words are unclear, full of fluff. I mean if anyone reading this has ever listened to Liszt’s Faust, or played this piece, you might understand. That piece was like wallowing in the same emotion again and again and again. it was a relief when I no longer had to perform this piece. Even thought I realize I cannot allow myself to become a reaction to such. And within this, I cannot be pride, or arrogance about this, other wise I become the ego I criticize. Because the only thing that is real, is here, this moment, equal and one to and as being a physical  being on a physical planet that operates in practical common sense ways. It must be realized that if every human, became equal and one to physical reality as the value, then life would be fun. 

I, in the mean time - lol - I allowed, will have to slow myself down and self forgive the anxiety I accepted and allowed in reference to reading words. And, to realize when I am reading something that is not to the point, to not react and either make the choice to not continue reading, or continue reading without reactions. And to forgive the judgement that is a memory of myself allowing the checking of my son’s writing as being tedious, when all it was was checking the form and practicing making it clear. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become ansi at the idea of having to listen to another’s words and/or read words on a page.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed within having to check the homework of my children.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in reading another’s words, or to have to listen to another’s words is like being in a prison that i cannot escape from.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like listening to another’s words is like having bullets being pelted on my chest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get a headache at the idea of having to listen to another’s words, or read another’s words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an expectation that reading words is going to be tedious.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words are cumbersome.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not want to look at words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as a burden, as something that cannot change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as like a piece of music coming out of someone’s mouth where I am required, as a woman, to accept such words and if I don’t I will be considered difficult, or lacking in compassion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to go into righteousness in reaction to this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in reacting to such I am not addressing the form placed in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see words as something etched in stone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto words as though they are un-mutable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to fix words, which is myself wanting to etch words in stone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want words etched in stone as a protection and self defense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take words seriously, and or not take them seriously.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in anger to words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react with indignation towards words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is one form for words, where in reality, words are like water, they change and reorder as in answer to the changing form of reality and perspective sharing of the physical world, as aspects of the physical world are brought forward to focus in a moment to build understanding of physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, which is an abdication of using words, as in believing myself to be incapable of using words,  which is myself allowing a belief of being wrongedness - as there is no other word that i can think of in the moment to describe the opposite of righteousness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, in and as believing myself to be worthless.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, at times, become neutral, as in becoming a silence of giving up, as in believing the point of being clear to be an impossibility, and within this to not see, realize and understand that I am in effect wanting a “ etched in stone” truth when such does not exist, as words are at the moment, an abstract of reality, forming a picture of the concrete, the actual real supportive physical world, and as such will change within what is focused on in the moment, and the awareness that is discovered as one becomes equal and one to and with, and as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind, that is the words “ it is not my fault”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is not my fault.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel guilt and shame for not having respected words and directed them in ways that do no harm, for not having used words in ways that make clear instead of having used words in protection and self defense, here I pushed away a “ bad” as a judgement onto another instead of addressing the projected bad into a correction that brought insight and understanding of being equal and one with and as what is real as the physical world, and or, to have used words to focus all those around me onto a good based on an experience or object that I owned as in having lived the experience or owning the thing that is considered something that makes a person a “ more than” in society.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i must be punished for causing harm through not being self honest with and as being equal and one in consideration of physical reality being the value as the substance of life, where the pain in the realization that I hurt others, and as such hurt myself are one and the same, and as this, it is to realize that the pain is the separation, and thus the correction is to stand equal and one in common sense in thought word and deed with and as the physical, as what is real, and to walk the steps to become equal and one with and as life, for which the physical is the measure of and as, the gift of life, to become equal and one to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have used the wealth of the physical, as the resource of myself to be life, and the resource of my labor as the use of words , as “ la” is the note “a” and thus, “ a” Bore, and as such a lesser substance that bore no real witness to life, and as such became a burden as a cross reference in self interest instead of becoming a cross reference with the very focus of myself onto , equal and one with, the actual real physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be ashamed of the rejection of life that was the expression of myself as the words I spoke, creating an entity of unworthiness hidden by righteousness, where I masked my own shame within a feeling/emotion of helplessness and sense as a belief that life is impossible, instead of standing equal and one with and as the physical, the wealth given as a gift to equalize myself to and as life, and using that which I used to separate myself into that which can as life common sense what is best for all here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that this is all very sad.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed that others rejected or pushed me away, or attacked me, when others were doing the same as I  and as this to blame or spite another for what i have done, is not bringing myself in alignment and standing in patience, humility and careful stability within and as the practice of being oneness and equality with and as a common sense of what is best for all within the principle of equality, which is practical consideration of physical existence in ways that value all life and as such, actions that do no harm to any living thing.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, written and/or spoken, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that words are sound, that are a model of here, or a model of a belief, opinion and idea, a model of an entity that is unequal to and as a common sense of physical reality and as such to not react but to listen and , bring the words back to self, to walk a process of self correction where there is no reaction of righteousness, worthlessness, judgement in protection and self defense in fear of loss as separation within limitation as inequality to life, and as a belief that being here, is impossible as in not what is wanted, where this “ not what is wanted” is the paranormal as the mind inferior to life.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I look at the description of words in relation to what is real, as the physical world, as what directs within and as what is best for all the movement and expression of physical reality, as this physical reality is the form and thus composed of the expression and substance of life here, without which I cannot breath and be here, this the physical- is life, is the form and being of myself here, and as such the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind must be cross referenced with the physical with every breath, here.

When and as I find myself reacting to another, to a situation, I stop and I breath, and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand the limitation to here, as the words, to and towards understanding rejection of self direction and thus self honesty to here, to what directs self within and as what does no harm and as such what supports that which allows the expression of life in form and function as the physical, thus to direct my words to be clear and a direct image and likeness of what is actually real as the physical.

                       DIP Lite Self forgiveness, writing, and self corrective application. Bring the white noise of the mind back into practical physical reality to become equal and one to and as life as                  

                                           the physical.