We are the manufacturers of our own separation from life. Where does our health insurance money go? Day 718

Sometimes an article comes up that I find so astounding, I can hardly believe I have accepted this, or rather, not researched it and looked at the numbers. Numbers do not lie.

This article about the payouts from insurance companies for the number of vaccines a doctor gives to children is unacceptable. Yet, it begs the question as to why we are allowing this overall. This means that we support incentives for vaccination with our insurance programs. This means that the companies producing the vaccines are not even paying the doctors, or rather, motivating the doctors to vaccinate children without investigation. We are allowing this when we do not investigate the monetary structures. We allow this when we do not follow the money- a statement that is ubiquitous. So many have said that one must follow the money. One must read, one must use a natural capacity to do the math, and investigate to realize that it is the web of all of us that maintains the present system. 

The idea of a superman is the opposite of what is real, as it is the web of men that build and allow negligent resource extraction, a mis-use of resources that effect all the life that is here on this earth. Again, it is the numbers of men, that build what exists or, as in the case of this article, hold in place, based on ideas and beliefs and opinions that have no real follow through into the forms and mechanisms of money flow. That money flow is your labor moving into allowing others to make decisions for you. It is the consequence of a lack of investigation, it is  a lack of the self sensing practical reality, what is right here, visible, known and written out in an article.

With a doctor potentially getting 80,000$ for fulfilling a quota of vaccination, paid for with your labor via insurance policies,  would that doctor really want to investigate anything about vaccines? Would you want to give up 80,000$ a year? Would you want to give up the comforts that kind of money would allow? Would you become irritable if someone threatened to take that from you? Would you turn a blind eye to patterns around you?  Just look at the math, a vaccine in itself does not cost 400$. Yet, you are paying this incentive to not look, to not investigate through your insurance policies.  This whole form, as this action, also begs the question as to why such incentives must be used, to buy obedience!

We are programmed to live a false story, a false and limited set body of information. This is why we are held in a school that only teaches through abstraction of information. This is the means for that limited inform of information. It denies one’s natural ability to sense qualities in space and time. This is so visible all around us in our loss of spatial ability. We have, for eons, believed that what we create with our imagination is greater than what is around us. It is as simple as that. The solution is to realize the mis-use of our imaginations and become living words, words that respect this world around us. We can use words to investigate this travesty of life, as this present system, and remove the veil of our separation into this busy work composed of limited values, made huge, and step into what has always been here, right in front of us, this manifestation of creation, a symbiotic and functional creation that reveals itself with the potential of a balance that can flow with ease and grace. This is the real nature of life, and it is always here.

An exanple is using our tongues. We can taste bitter, we can taste sour, we can taste something savory, or tart. These flavors reveal qualities. Something that is sour is usually more acidic. We can then investigate what acids do and how they work. The information is here, as we are in the age of information.  if we place a piece of copper in water and let it sit, we can then drink the water and realize a slight taste of copper. We can rub a piece of garlic on the soles of out feet and sense a taste of garlic on our tongues.  This is natural, and yet it has somehow become novel! How did that happen? Obviously, it happened because we allowed something else to overshadow these innate sensibilities. 

As yourself why the media is so ubiquitous? Ask yourself why there are systemic forms that pay doctors incentives to not LOOK HERE? Your capacity to live is go great, that to deny that capacity a film of information that is not the real story must be constantly imposed, and with systemic layers that are not fully disclosed yet must exist somewhere because it can then be construed that we accepted it. In effect, we did, because we dod not investigate. 

Life, by nature, is forgiving, it need only be accepted. This is one’s self. Either that self continues within a false use of the imagination or makes the choice to stand with steadfastness to redefine one’s presence back into all things, which includes the physical world.  How does one cause chaos? Through creating a belief in another world, with a god, to separate one from the real ‘ god’ which is this creation, this physical reality, this means to understand life, to sense it, to taste the nature of it and how it works in balance, in ways that do no harm and consider all things, taking that which is good. 

If these incentives for vaccinating children were removed, ( and our health insurance payments lowered- thereby freeing up our individual economies to have a greater ability to choose!) what would happen with the whole vaccine debate? Would greater numbers of doctors stand in understanding what is happening or not happening? Do we have the courage to ask doctors about these payments? Do we have the courage to face the storm of what is emotional resistance, that we all know very well, which is a persona of irritation and anger and name calling and blame? Can we realize in a moment, were we to ask questions directly in a doctor’s office that reactive behaviors towards such questions are a form of protection and defense in self interest? Can we stand without reaction ourselves and realize that what we face is a construct of misinformation cluttered with a limited set body of information causing a dissonance from practical reality? Can we step beyond our fears of being defined as being ‘ difficult’ and remain with making a statement that we need to investigate what is offered by this system without taking threats and name calling personally? It really only takes one time to not give in, after that it gets easier. We can do this, we can stand. Together. This is the real power, the web of men making the choice to relate words to real life, this life around us, and no longer accepting a limited story that has an outcome of separating us from life, from reality - so visible in a loss of a natural spatial ability, and an ability to taste the sweet and the sour, the bitter and the savory. Why not forgive the chaos of limitation and become what is natural?

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Day 243 What is being "irritation"?

Irritation
What is “being” irritation?
Irritation is a response of no movement, of no ease, of conflict. A “stop”. A loss of breath. An “ I don’t know where to go”, or a “I can’t move”, and/or “ I can no longer see what is here.”
Auditioning comes up for me. I specifically remember auditioning for a group, and immediately, as I walked in the room and began to play, I could not play; what had been so easy at another audition was tense and unmoving within this one. I must have been about 17, maybe 16.
I remember this so well - or so I believe, because I have questioned it for years- in other words sought answers. I remember standing there, being distant, and I remember the manner and ways of the jurors. Even this brings up recently going for interviews for jobs, and I went to many, as I had the perfect paper work, but the minute I walked through the door and across the room towards the interviewer, the reaction and judgement was already set - or so I believed.
Someone told me it was reverse snobbery, as where I live and the field I entered had the local regional accent, and this profession was filled with this: I lacked this accent.
It was not so with all interviews. There were two that wanted to hire me, but it was far away and I choose the stability of where I am for the children. Right or wrong, it’s done, I can only move from here.
My manner and words, did not fit, were not easy and comfortable for the person interviewing me. And, as with this audition, I can remember walking in and shutting down, even within being nervous, as I had been nervous about auditions and not clamped up when the time came. But this is part of being a player, in no matter what situation, the playing had to be constant, and I was not. So, no matter what I deserved what I got.
I also had to learn to read scores, orchestral scores and play them on the piano, I practiced this a lot, and sometimes it began to move. I knew I would be nervous, so I practiced to move within this nervousness. I didn’t make it, when I sat down for the test at the piano, I froze, couldn’t see the orchestral score, and thus could not play the score on the piano. For some reason I passed the class, and to this day I do not know why. I really did not deserve this, even though I had practiced it a lot. When performance time came I froze.
I think it was a little while after this that I just stopped one day and said I was so fucking sick and tired of being this fear that I forced myself to play openly more. I went to recitals at other schools and I watched, I watched the focus, to imitate it, my thinking was, how the hell is this done, it was like I wanted to see how it was done, because I thought, this can be done, so it is here.
I stumbled a lot over the years, but slowly the devil of fear began to be controlled. But there are other factors, a husband dying, when the music world was beginning to open up - after my children had reached an age of greater autonomy and I had stepped back into the field more, where I made the choice to return to my country of origin because being away at night and hiring help seemed too difficult, this after the death of my husband.
I remember one of the last gigs I played, the certainty within playing was a joy. Even the conductor came to my home to support me within the death of my husband. And conductors do not do that unless they gain something. Part of me was going, on the inside, fuck, should I stay or should I go.
On another front, in another facade, there was a residual doubt from the past within ability, but even here the lifestyle seemed too uncertain and difficult being a single mom.
The undercurrent of self judgement, the “state” of separation, the cause of not being present. The fear made bigger, as a judgement of loss and or gain, where the loss is hidden through attempting to make the choice a beautiful outcome. Self justification. Self interest.
Would learning to see the blueprint of the mind, and thus making this blueprint of fear smaller, where the parts were seen for what they are, prevent such happenings, as not being able to direct self within communication with others? Within practical understanding of the emotional/feeling alignments connecting, as system of compounded value judgements within culture, class, gender, age, race, regional accent, style as taught within generational back ground and world exposure to varying stylistic mannerisms regionally being made into values of more than and less than, a bling of presentation, be what is energetically valued instead of common sense in and as words within a clear detailed directive, concise and simple, without endless chattering embellishments of happy face drama, going on and on and on without really saying anything? And imagine this being what is used, by many that are simply the gargoyles of the gate, a facade of talk about how a-mazing this is and how amazing that is, on and on and on, in a way, slowing things down, creating a giant HallMark moment, where the initial task is all but forgotten. Interesting that the term is “ Hall Mark” moment. Building the defense/protection wall, as a hall, as a layer, confining the initial directive. No one gets through here, is really what the happy face, “ let’s talk about how amazing and wonderful everything is,” is about. Programmed behavior to move within the maze that is the system of inequality, stepping up a ladder of relationships to survive, ignoring the view as life, not working with the substance supporting the maze.

I remember sitting in an office, waiting for an interview. The secretary, and another visiter - a young girl who had just finished her education degree- were talking about how wonderful the children were, how wonderful the teachers were, on and on and on. And the girl visiter interspersed things she had experienced within getting her degree. So, I perked up and joined in - to see what would happen - and within my conversation I named dropped etc. - I wanted to interrupt the pattern, because honestly, I felt like I was listening to a Liszt piece, the same phrase, over and over again, the same embellishments again and again, like the verbal diarrhea was extremely tasteful, and comforting. I guess this is how the game is played, happy face your way to the bank.
It is like a torture session. And in some way, this emotional happy face “water torture” must be used and not be of self as what self is, as being within the system but not of the system. THis point of realizing it is just water/energy in and as no substance ( and this is within the context of water being a symbol of emotion as what i have been taught). In many ways it is like being able to read an orchestral score and playing the parts all at once, as in seeing the blueprint of the mind, and how this can be a directive, when, it is to see this as a maze, as a display of parts from the totality as the substance of life, as the nothing, rendering this irritation, as energy, as judgement, small, so that the score is readable, and thus renderable to and towards what is best for all, as the embellishment is not good or bad, it simply needs direction within what is best for all.
Thus, there is nothing to fear within this, as the physical is here, as life, showing the way to what works absolutely through form and function, and the vertigo in the chest need not be the directive as it is only a score of the present system which can be flooded with common sense as the principle of what is best for all to prevent the separation from self as life.

Day 242 A reaction of irritation

I experienced reactive behavior today towards the presentation of something.
I become frustrated and irritated, not as reactive as I have been in the past within such circumstances, but still, it was there, - an angry irritation.
I realize that my irritation is one and the same as the reaction, emotion made bigger than what is actually here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become irritated, into and as a state of ire, which is myself becoming fear and anger, as reaction within and as myself not being understood, where this emotion has no solution, and all that I can do is walk into understanding the separation from what is real here, as emotions based on judgements of what is more and what is less, specifically within judgements in presentation, not seeing realizing and understanding that stopping and looking to what is here, as the whole of what is here, is not a customary practice as the human has existed within the mind as consciousness, as energy, and thus within and as breath I stop and look at the details of what is here as the physical through this mirage of emotion that appears seemingly impossible, a habit of separation from what is real as the physical, to realize the depths of such behaviors and begin to correct them within and without.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my irritation is myself within becoming an energetic reaction, in self interest, based on an idea, and a moral code, as the habit of consciousness.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated, I stop and I slow myself way down, in and as breath, as I realize within becoming emotional I will have no effect as I become a judge when conversation or words spoken do not meet my expectations as this is a desire to win, reflecting a feeling, as a fear, of loss.

When and as I find myself becoming irritated I stop and I breath, and I forgive my emotions and feelings of self interest, and I investigate what physically exits and practically walk what is best for all, to give as I would like to receive, to support life, here, as this is the value.

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Day 69 Unworthiness as reaction to Irritation

Day 69 Unworthiness as reaction to Irritation

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactive to irritation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take confusion and irritation, as cognitive dissonance personally.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to irritation and cognitive dissonance, where I looked only at the emotion of this behavior/response and reacted instead of realizing irritation as cognitive dissonance, where, as the word suggests, there existed a misunderstanding or deconstruction of belief, opinion and idea, and within this the irritation had only to do with a process of realignment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become reactive to discord, irritation, cognitive dissonance, to the point where all I looked at was the emotion and not the words being spoken and within this direct myself as what is best for all, meaning giving what was actually happening a directive within the principle of what is best for all: within this it is easy to see that a child does not have the verbal capacity and development to be able to realize that adult irritation is a limited mind in cognitive dissonance existing within values indoctrinated to survive within a system of inequality, a system of profit, which has been going on for generations.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become submissive within this, in self pity, that I had done something wrong, not realizing that I was creating a belief within myself that I was unworthy and unheard, when in fact all that existed, as indicated by irritation, was a cognitive dissonance that simply required a common sense directive within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that all that was needed was to stop and breath, look in common sense of what is best for all, and use the capacity of myself here, as a human being, to realize a directive that is within the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to  realize that, as a child, I was not trained to do this, and instead taught the roles of a woman, to be submissive and to develop myself in accordance with what enabled my survival within a system of limited design to support a system of money usage for profit for a few instead of money/resource usage that support the value of life as this physical world as what is real.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that irritation is cognitive dissonance, and thus a moment where the mind must review what has been accepted and allowed as belief, opinion and idea, and deconstruct to include a new view point and that this can cause a moment of  disassociation from accepted and allowed patterns, where, within this, a direction can be given that is within the principle of “giving as you would like to receive” instead of what serves a profit based system that has caused an existence on this earth where many lack the basic necessities to live a life in dignity, thus is causing irritation  a natural consequence of changing the habits and beliefs that support a system of inequality, a system that is showing the human how ineffective it is in supporting life, with the amount of abuse to animal, plant, soil and human, manifesting as the rapid depletion of earth’s resources and unacceptable living conditions on earth at this time.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that I developed my own feelings and emotions of unworthiness, begun in childhood as I was not taught to direct myself within the principle of what is best for all, or taught that as a human I am capable of being trained to use my human physical body, to work in tandem with this physical world and develop myself in ways yet unknown with a system that dis-allows human development in favor of preparing humans through family, education ,media, to serve a system of profit for the few, evident in the frustrated behaviors manifesting on earth at this time, where people are killing their children, eating other humans, where soldiers are committing suicide and children are being bombed by remote control to allow a few to have control of earth’s resources, resources given unconditionally by this physical world to support life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this pattern I have accepted and allowed is in this moment constricting my lower back and causing constriction to flow down into my legs as I fear speaking within and as my writing that I am somehow not speaking clearly enough, where I spin around in and as my mind looking for a way out and cannot find one, as my mind operates in singularities and cannot see what is best for all, which means I have become that which I fear.

I commit myself to breathing, to stopping the allowance of myself into and as fear.

I commit myself to realizing that fear is an energetic possession within my human physical body as myself in separation from myself where the only choice is to breath and direct myself within the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to realizing all images in and as my mind are showing me how I have separated from myself and thus are not real, only energetic possessions I am allowing to draw my attention away from what is physically here and real.

I commit myself to revealing that this is what is happening to our children where we label this as ADD and ADHD, where parents of these children take schools to court to demand a private/special education not realizing that it is the parent that has developed this very inability to focus on what is actually here as what the child exists as, and therefor in taking the schools to court, are the parents abdicating their responsibility and wanting a system - the very accepted and allowed system that is one and equal to the cause of the lack of focus in the human- to take responsibility for their child.

I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am unworthy, and realizing that reacting to irritation and discord necessitates a corrective action within utilizing the principle of what is best for all, where practice in giving direction instead of allowing reactions as defense, spite, blame, insecurity, wanting to win,  and fear of loss are not an action of resolution to and towards the principle of what is best for all, the principle of giving as one would like to receive.

I commit myself to revealing that the method of operation within this present system, through media, family and education, suggests that the human is programmable, and thus the human is able to realize that this present system of inequality is not the natural state of life, as it needs constant broadcast to perpetuate it’s propagated desires, wants and needs, to support the few, and thus can this world be changed to a world that supports life, a heaven on earth.