About a week before my period, I get tired and really down on myself. That happened at Christmas. And today was the righteousness dialogue spinning around in my head, imaginings of horrific outcomes where I became the bully, in self defense. It is as though I move from self pity, into self defense. And it happens life clock work, and so sneaky seeming, so subtle.
This time it seemed so strong. My children had come home from college, and I went into remorse and quilt, feeling like I could have done so much more for them. And in the days before they came, I had my roof redone, and because of the weather, it was put off from one day to the next, so I worried about this. When I think of spending money I tend to go into a litany about having lost the support of a husband, and self pity about having to do everything alone, all by my lonesome self.
I had to breath, and yet not hide from what was going on in and as my mind.
What helped, was having looked at myself and the drama in and as my mind, the template of a morality, a moral compass taught within limited values creating a signature MO, or a method of operation as a collective of judgements as spite and blame hiding fear. This has been all graphed out, a template of limited design, a program. Self accepted and allowed. My guiding light, shining so bright the more I utilized this to define myself here, I could no longer see the totality of existence, and removed myself from here, and buried myself within the consequences of my own self accepted ignorance.
So, I breath, and I realize my own template and I strive to equalize myself with and as life here, with practical application in common sense of this physical world. This meansseeing what i have allowed and breathing within this running morality, this running template of beliefs, opinions and ideas of what is more and what is less in terms of keeping a place within the societal and cultural grid in which I live, my own personal inter-dimensional halo, a mind consciousness system. But this seemed to be a roller coaster, with no real stability.
Where is the stability, where is the constancy, where is real communication, where is joy?
As a single mom, I had gotten to the point where I had no help - well to say no help is not clear, as I had some help, but I was alone, meaning I did not have another person here to help me solve normal daily living problems. Within this i started to tell myself that the answer has to be right here, and then I started to think that it had to do with what enabled self discovery, even though I was not too clear on what that meant.
So, when I found desteni, and was introduced to the principle of “what is best for all” I realized that this made so much sense. But what did this mean to become this as a template of self direction?
So, as I realized I was being self pity at Christmas, I had to breath, and even though I was consumed with this self accepted emotion of “woe is me” I had to breath and say this is not me, this helps no one or no thing, this being of myself as this will do nothing to stop this in this world, it is pointless and self destructive, no matter how seemingly real, or how strong, I had to breath and take the principle of equality and fucking breath, to pull myself back into and as myself, to say no, in no uncertain terms, even when the tiredness came, and even if I had not seen, have not seen all the past that i held onto within judgements, that created this shadow self, I had to not allow myself to become this, and when it seemed to overwhelm I had to just breath, and keep this template of equality and oneness here, to hold this stable as much as I could, to slow myself down and not allow thevoices in my mind, as this system of separation into judgement, into parts, to be and become what i am here.
So, today the righteousness came, the dialogue of defense, I caught myself within this and I spoke self forgiveness and immediately it calmed the storm. Even though, now I notice that often I want to go and do things, like a desire for distractions, entertainment.
I have to walk through all the self forgiveness I have done, see where I created what belief, opinion and idea, and walk through the realignment within self commitment statements to and towards what is best for all in and as this actual, real physical world, in common sense, which also means looking at the present system of inequality and realizing that this profit based system is not what is supportive of life, thus, until it is changed, it has to be dealt with without reaction and in consideration of what prevents such a system, within and without.
So, for example, if I have an emotion of myself being less than in any way, I realize I am making a comparison to an idea, as the MC/MO taught within limited values, and I had to stop myself and say no, this is the past and this is not what i am here, and if I allow this, I am in essence being disrespectful of life, thus this is not the choice of what I chose to be here.
And then if I have to direct myself, within what is best for all, I must do so just as I do with myself, look at what is real here, as what makes sense here, and move within and as this, just as I do with the dialogue I wrote, as my self commitment statements, within and without.
Is is interesting to notice that when I do this when speaking to another person, meaning, when I start to speak within taking directions within this world in terms of realizing the value is life, and thus creating a system that supports all life as the value, sometimes the person listening seems to be looking into some void, eyes scanning away, and thus appearing to be looking all over the place, a lot of blinking. This is what I am within myself when I allow myself to become the mind, it is like I am scanning something that is not here, that is not seeing what is here as this world, this actual physical world. And I become this myself when I do not catch myself. And it seems life a numbness, or a void. And then it gets really hard to read and/or to take in information, or conversation, like I cannot hear. Within this, it is no wonder people seek like MC/MO people - this mind/physical relationship, it is so much easier to exist within agreement within same morality than to change the program, as the change from a set program reveals a lot of friction and conflict within, this self validating ideology of limited design hiding in essence a fear of self as life, unless one realizes what is absolute and supportive, life, what is being and speaking and living what is best for all, as the principle of oneness and equality, to be and live in thought, word and deed, “to give as one would like to receive.”
Thus, it is to breath and to constantly cross reference myself with the physical world, and to watch what I exist as within myself as energy, as a movement as reaction in and as fear, where some such movements in and as myself are so subtle, I have not yet mastered this, yet the lightness I am now , in contrast to the roller coaster I previously lived in and as fear, and the lessening of physical constriction, and the physical sensitivity to my world, is well worth the walk.
I tend to jump physically within sudden noises, and though I continue to react, I pull myself back much faster, and so, such events are no longer so overwhelming. And this does not mean it might not happen again, it just means that when I catch myself I can direct myself within and as this, and the more I practice, the stronger I get. So this means to remain humble within this, to not judge such things within or without.
What is it that I fear? Is it that I fear facing the eternal? Have I judged the eternal, the darkness as something to fear. Is the eternal what I seek in the romantic notion of the eyes of another? In facing the eternal, the darkness, will I ever need to rush again? What is stopping me, that I keep banging my head against the wall of consciousness? Could this be a fear that is simply an illusion that I have determined
to be real?
