Day 555 Distraction away from Common Sense into an Idea of Gain

I realize that I have been having expectations, and then I fall because these expectations do not play out.  I then go into analyzing the situation to discover a mis-step. Then a rant starts in wanting to blame something and become obsessive in figuring out how to address this. 

Even if I am correct in my assessment, it is the rushing forward in haste and frustration within choosing something to address from a starting point of blame to and towards something that creates more rushing, instead of slowing down and being practical about the situation, asking questions to really discover what is limiting, because if I remain within myself, as a reaction, and go off in secret to figure things out, I end up building ideas that have no direct solution. It is not to say that some measure of reflection is not productive, this must also be done, but to know the balance of this, within the whole scenario of living.

Our money system is much like this action manifest. Meaning that we rush forward to gain something. And what has happened is that money/gain has become the order of men’s existence on earth, and now we are enslaved to our own personal desire for gain, to be defined as something, rather than being at ease here, and enjoying being life.

A child is not born with any sense of money, they must learn this, as they learn languages, and culture into which they are born, into the religious systems within their environments.  What children will begin to do is order the world, collecting all the aspects of the physical world around them. The physical aspects. And then they begin to learn to move within this. The culture of men, as the order of men, is learned, each believing their culture and religion to be more than another, when culture is just a measure of reality and nothing else. What is same within all men is being physical.

This is really an illusion, because the real gain is to move, at ease, with the physical, realizing that life is the value, and that the physical world is the means of expression and that to be so means using common sense, because we are the machines built of the substance of life as sound formation  to exist as common sense. This is why advertising must force itself into every corner of our lives, to maintain the distraction from common sense. This is how strong common sense is. And it is right there beyond the veil of the mind in a rant of limitation.

When enough people begin to realize this, then standing will be done with ease, without violence, and within standing until it is done, but it will take many to do this, to silence the voice of profit for a few, the rant of self interest made manifest as how we are allowing money to determine life, gain to determine life, as the accumulation of wealth, when the real accumulation of wealth is to become equal in understanding and working with practical physical reality, with ease, with grace, with humility, with out any sense of fear. So, overall, this system is our fear in action, which means we, each of us are in essence maintaining fear when we continue to allow a system of profit being monetary accumulation instead of an ease and enjoyment with the physical world around us, where another’s self development is our own self development, because we are all life, and in order to become life, the physical world around us must become the life within, as the form expression in common sense, equal in sense within to the without as the physical, the real means of expression of life. Here, no one is alone, yet every one is individual. It is up to us, we decide, but the rant of the mind, an abstract, in separation, lost in an idea of gain, must equalize into common sense of practical physical reality, here.

Day 288 Fear of Speaking Reaction Dimension

Speak, Taste, Eat, Breathe, Etc. (Photo credit: redteam)

Fear of Speaking Reaction Dimension
I realize that sometimes when I don’t get an expected response, I immediately have some back chat of childhood names , and memories of reactive behaviors from the past when I went to say something. I fear these names and reactions being what I am here, instead of looking at what is being said as my words, in common sense. I become the fear ofjudgement from my past, which means i am not here, present in common sense of what is physically here existing within the principle of what is best for all. I allow amind/alternate reality to become my expression, this being of no substance as it is not calm, at ease and constant, in self honesty as life. Within “being of no substance” I become uncertain, and if I really look at this, it is like being in a state of vertigo, and I lose common sense of here, a directive capacity, here. I start trying to catch myself, justify, hide, becoming one big storm of emotion and feeling, my responses that of seeking validation for my own separation. I am not at ease, and even within my words, there is fear, edgy spite leading to blame, as justification, because I know I am not here, I am no longer at ease. And much of this behavior, has become a norm.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a memory from my past, triggered by the words of another, as a reaction to what I speak, where I separate from here, from common sense of what is here, in this moment, within and as what is best for all as what is here, where within this separation what I interact as is energy, focused on ideas, opinions and beliefs, limited and judgmental, based on accepted and allowed past experiences wherein the full story of what is here is not realized, an existence in self interest alone as personification, creating a belief that i am alone, when I am here, as life, on earth, as all one, as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that nick names given by family members, such names themselves of limited awareness, lacking a sound mind of as self being directive within and as self honesty with what includes actual practical physical reality, equal and one, an inclusion of what is here as what supports life, this very real world that which is imposed with systems that separate this physical reality in promotion of religions and systemic structures given a life of their own as though they were what always existed yet in reality have been built by men, as these systems are here with the advent of men, such as the present economic system, which is given the status of being self directive when in fact it is not, as it is simply a structure where it is men that built it, accepted it, allowed it and use it to move what is here around the globe, this illusion as this addition of it having a life of its own, that is so obviously illusionary, but this is the means with which control of what is here as this actual real physical world is maintained through the development of warping and distorting reality, into and as a system of inequality, where the illusion given is the illusion created, that some are more than others, went all flesh is of the same substance, thus this system of an “unseen” force as a “god” is telling us that what is really happening is that some believe themselves to be more than others, and this is what is taught, an illusion of a more than and a less than, all a separation from what is the real more than, which is the value being life, simply being here in and as the very substance of and as life, given equally to all as the physical world, to enable all to exist as life, to experience life, as this is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not listen to what is here, to allow ideas, opinions and beliefs of more than and less than to direct myself here, not realizing that all of this is an energetic emotional moving to feeling storm in a bubble that separates myself from life, thus making this cell of life that I am on an organism as earth, a prison cell of my own creation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand when and as i become fear, to walk through my own self commitment statements, to bring myself back to here, to become the walking of myself equal and one to the focus of myself here, aligned to speak in common sense of what is here, without separation into and as fear, as this is the illusion, the separation, as the gift is the physical world, as the substance of life by nature is forgiving as life, considerate of all life, in all common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in each and every moment here, the only choice is to slow down, breath, and to stop thevoices as the blueprint in and as my mind of the past, the resonance of incomplete stories that reveal their own incompleteness in and as that they are of complaint and not of direction in ease, thus the very tenor of self as life, is visible in and as the very nature of the words and the substance of the sound as the voice of each and every one, as the voice of direction is solid, sound and directive without threat, where an in-substantive threat gives no real direction, as life would always direct allowing what is here to be self directive, absolutely.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understand that I am here, as life, and thus I can breath and slow myself down, move as the the words of equality and oneness as what is best for all, where I bring myself here, and move in practical evaluation of what is here within and as what is best for all.
When and as I begin to feel emotional and feeling reactions within and as myself, where the vertigo of the past begins to rain down from the mind, this map of what I have accepted and allowed in and as judgements within a system of inequality, and the pressure of past compounded emotions and feelings build up within my back, I stop and I breath, and I realize this is movement within and as my human physical body of separation into and as energy, as fear of loss, an idea only, that then moves into and as a tension physically through my human physical body where I become a supposed “positive” justification that is really a more intense energy, seemingly “lighter” yet actually heavier, as my limbs begin to feel heavier, more inflexible, and if I really look at this it is actually painful, as it is an energetic consumption of my human flesh as myself in separation from being equal and one to and as myself as the “sound” of myself as life, thus is fear/survival behaviors/loss myself mis-playing myself as life, here, and thus am I no longer equal and one to and as life, and am abusing myself as my human physical body with my own accepted and allowed separations.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that this movement into feeling, this which seems “good” as this is pride and a feeling of gain, is a false self directive, as it is a thin belief in gain that is simply a self justification within limited ideologies, which is what i have been taught within a system of separation from life, from equality, the labels as this supposed “higher” positive being of myself, that follow the labels of character within and as the present system, as I pretend the roles I was taught, and walk in and as mind, as accepted and allowed behaviors, where I allow the measure of myself in relationship to limited beliefs, this manifesting within hope of survival as pride, as I am my own judge and juror relating to personification and care-actor relationships towards survival within a system of division into hierarchy, the very structure of which images more than and less than, a crystal shape reaching into the earth, the earth the support up this eye sore on its horizon that gives without a signature of ownership, as the value is being here, equal and one in and as life.

Day 247 Is a behavioral cycle a way to operate?

Today I allowed another “attack” of the mind. I notice a pattern here. It is cyclical and it moves with my womanly reproduction period.
About a week before my period, I get tired and really down on myself. That happened at Christmas. And today was the righteousness dialogue spinning around in my head, imaginings of horrific outcomes where I became the bully, in self defense. It is as though I move from self pity, into self defense. And it happens life clock work, and so sneaky seeming, so subtle.
This time it seemed so strong. My children had come home from college, and I went into remorse and quilt, feeling like I could have done so much more for them. And in the days before they came, I had my roof redone, and because of the weather, it was put off from one day to the next, so I worried about this. When I think of spending money I tend to go into a litany about having lost the support of a husband, and self pity about having to do everything alone, all by my lonesome self.
I had to breath, and yet not hide from what was going on in and as my mind.
What helped, was having looked at myself and the drama in and as my mind, the template of a morality, a moral compass taught within limited values creating a signature MO, or a method of operation as a collective of judgements as spite and blame hiding fear. This has been all graphed out, a template of limited design, a program. Self accepted and allowed. My guiding light, shining so bright the more I utilized this to define myself here, I could no longer see the totality of existence, and removed myself from here, and buried myself within the consequences of my own self accepted ignorance.
So, I breath, and I realize my own template and I strive to equalize myself with and as life here, with practical application in common sense of this physical world. This meansseeing what i have allowed and breathing within this running morality, this running template of beliefs, opinions and ideas of what is more and what is less in terms of keeping a place within the societal and cultural grid in which I live, my own personal inter-dimensional halo, a mind consciousness system. But this seemed to be a roller coaster, with no real stability.
Where is the stability, where is the constancy, where is real communication, where is joy?
As a single mom, I had gotten to the point where I had no help - well to say no help is not clear, as I had some help, but I was alone, meaning I did not have another person here to help me solve normal daily living problems. Within this i started to tell myself that the answer has to be right here, and then I started to think that it had to do with what enabled self discovery, even though I was not too clear on what that meant.
So, when I found desteni, and was introduced to the principle of “what is best for all” I realized that this made so much sense. But what did this mean to become this as a template of self direction?
So, as I realized I was being self pity at Christmas, I had to breath, and even though I was consumed with this self accepted emotion of “woe is me” I had to breath and say this is not me, this helps no one or no thing, this being of myself as this will do nothing to stop this in this world, it is pointless and self destructive, no matter how seemingly real, or how strong, I had to breath and take the principle of equality and fucking breath, to pull myself back into and as myself, to say no, in no uncertain terms, even when the tiredness came, and even if I had not seen, have not seen all the past that i held onto within judgements, that created this shadow self, I had to not allow myself to become this, and when it seemed to overwhelm I had to just breath, and keep this template of equality and oneness here, to hold this stable as much as I could, to slow myself down and not allow thevoices in my mind, as this system of separation into judgement, into parts, to be and become what i am here.
So, today the righteousness came, the dialogue of defense, I caught myself within this and I spoke self forgiveness and immediately it calmed the storm. Even though, now I notice that often I want to go and do things, like a desire for distractions, entertainment.
I have to walk through all the self forgiveness I have done, see where I created what belief, opinion and idea, and walk through the realignment within self commitment statements to and towards what is best for all in and as this actual, real physical world, in common sense, which also means looking at the present system of inequality and realizing that this profit based system is not what is supportive of life, thus, until it is changed, it has to be dealt with without reaction and in consideration of what prevents such a system, within and without.
So, for example, if I have an emotion of myself being less than in any way, I realize I am making a comparison to an idea, as the MC/MO taught within limited values, and I had to stop myself and say no, this is the past and this is not what i am here, and if I allow this, I am in essence being disrespectful of life, thus this is not the choice of what I chose to be here.
And then if I have to direct myself, within what is best for all, I must do so just as I do with myself, look at what is real here, as what makes sense here, and move within and as this, just as I do with the dialogue I wrote, as my self commitment statements, within and without.
Is is interesting to notice that when I do this when speaking to another person, meaning, when I start to speak within taking directions within this world in terms of realizing the value is life, and thus creating a system that supports all life as the value, sometimes the person listening seems to be looking into some void, eyes scanning away, and thus appearing to be looking all over the place, a lot of blinking. This is what I am within myself when I allow myself to become the mind, it is like I am scanning something that is not here, that is not seeing what is here as this world, this actual physical world. And I become this myself when I do not catch myself. And it seems life a numbness, or a void. And then it gets really hard to read and/or to take in information, or conversation, like I cannot hear. Within this, it is no wonder people seek like MC/MO people - this mind/physical relationship, it is so much easier to exist within agreement within same morality than to change the program, as the change from a set program reveals a lot of friction and conflict within, this self validating ideology of limited design hiding in essence a fear of self as life, unless one realizes what is absolute and supportive, life, what is being and speaking and living what is best for all, as the principle of oneness and equality, to be and live in thought, word and deed, “to give as one would like to receive.”
Thus, it is to breath and to constantly cross reference myself with the physical world, and to watch what I exist as within myself as energy, as a movement as reaction in and as fear, where some such movements in and as myself are so subtle, I have not yet mastered this, yet the lightness I am now , in contrast to the roller coaster I previously lived in and as fear, and the lessening of physical constriction, and the physical sensitivity to my world, is well worth the walk.
I tend to jump physically within sudden noises, and though I continue to react, I pull myself back much faster, and so, such events are no longer so overwhelming. And this does not mean it might not happen again, it just means that when I catch myself I can direct myself within and as this, and the more I practice, the stronger I get. So this means to remain humble within this, to not judge such things within or without.
What is it that I fear? Is it that I fear facing the eternal? Have I judged the eternal, the darkness as something to fear. Is the eternal what I seek in the romantic notion of the eyes of another? In facing the eternal, the darkness, will I ever need to rush again? What is stopping me, that I keep banging my head against the wall of consciousness? Could this be a fear that is simply an illusion that I have determined
to be real?

Desteni

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Day 208 Fluctuating vertigo

Ladder, Vertigo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was up on a ladder today and suddenly had vertigo whereas one moment before I did not, and had no qualms about being up high on a ladder.
I had had this the days before, and had spoken some SF on the point, and a memory from high school where I experienced a man falling onto his head onto cement. Today I remembered a story about a relative that died falling off a ladder. It was cool, because when I started this project the vertigo was much more intense, and though it returned today, I “caught it”, and the duration of the experience, as mind, was not as overwhelming.
So I will walk some more self forgiveness on this point, and tomorrow see what happens. I have to say, I am not sure what triggered this, but perhaps it will come up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to suddenly get nervous about being up on a ladder, and within this losing all sense of the physical space I am in.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had the thought that I wished i had someone there to help me with this one corner of the house.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it was at this moment of “wishing” that the vertigo suddenly appeared.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I also had the thought that I was close to the edge of the house, and the end of the deck and the ground below the deck i judged as being far away, despite the fact that I had taken careful steps to secure the ladder, and had even been up to this corner of the house before, and everything had been fine and secure, thus there was no call to worry about distances and then to go into self pity about “having to take care of this ‘ all by myself.”
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that at this point images came up of a story I had been told about a relative that had died from falling off a ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have imagined myself falling off the ladder, where within this image I hear the sound of the head of this man I saw falling off a ladder as it thumped onto the ground with a cracking sound, thus the story and the sound of a cracking skull came up as i began to fear my own death through falling off of a ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory of myself, just having gotten off the subway, as I travelled home from school, and began the two block walk home, to have come upon a man falling through the air and landing on his head on the cement sidewalk, where it all happened so fast, and that sound was so loud I gasped for air and was shocked that this man had somehow just fallen off this ladder.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt some guilt about this, believing this to be my fault, as i have another memory of a friend suddenly falling while i was walking along a sidewalk with her, holding her hand when she suddenly fell and hit her head on the sidewalk, and had to go and have stitches and her parents blamed me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had this physical sinking feeling as I was moving into vertigo, much like the sinking feeling I had when I experienced the man falling off the ladder onto the sidewalk on my way home from school.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I had this same sinking feeling when my friend’s parents blamed me for their daughter having fallen on the sidewalk.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from myself into and as fear of falling off a ladder based on memories from my past in and as my mind, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was on a ladder that I had carefully secured myself, and climbed up many times in the last days, and had no problems being up on the ladder, thus to suddenly have vertigo was a clear indication that I had gone into my mind, as I confused the situation with ideas, opinions and beliefs, in and asemotions , feelings and thoughts, instead of remaining physically present in common sense of what was real within that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the ground being far away as scary, especially since I have to legs and two arms, that are perfectly capable of climbing a ladder, and two eyes with which to see what I am doing.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I notice this pattern of clenching my inner thighs, as my legs together whenever I become tense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I found myself doing this very same thing tonight driving home in my car, which is something I will have to look into.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have this reaction, in and as my mind, as a seemingly distant “back chat” where i begin to pity myself, as in wanting someone there to help, or assist, even when doing this ‘job” needs only myself, as I have had others help and found this unnecessary.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I become uncertain about what I am doing, I begin to wish for help, then go into self pity about not having help, and separate myself from what I am physically doing and lose my own practical physical, here, sense of space.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to tense up the moment i become uncertain, especially through my legs, where, within this, I become heavy in how i experience myself, and actually dealing with what I am doing physically becomes harder.

The moment I become uncertain, be it within what I am doing as in making a decision, or an evaluation within possibility based on the physical situation and within both go into fear, and thus separation, diminishing my common sense of reality, I stop and I breath and I bring myself back to physicality.
I commit myself to, when I have to make a decision, and become uncertain, to stop and to breath, and to go over what I have physically decided to walk in detail to stabilize myself here instead of allowing myself to separate into and as uncertainty where I sidestep into self judgement based on societal values of myself as a womanforgetting my self awareness equal and one to this actual physical world, which is to say, I remove myself from “here’ into and as belief, opinion and idea and the ensuing emotions composed of such thoughts as judgements done over a period of many years of training to believe such self definitions lacking a self honest development of myself in totality in common sense of what is real, this actual physical world.

Desteni

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Day 21 My Story as a Widow

My Story as a Widow.

What happens when a great shock comes into one’s life? Where everything one has is lost, all the relationships are lost; friends, country, lifestyle, situation? By relationships I mean, the very people in your world, the binds what I had, all lost in one moment, no more apartment, no more husband, no more friends with whom I had spent years with with my small children, no more language, no more nothing. I was numb, I was in shock, as what numbness would be. Go and read about trauma and you will find that a person will chemically go into what is called shock, but what this  really is is that all relationships one has existed as are gone in one moment. They are simply no longer there.

It was like there was nothing to feel anymore. And I would talk to the people around me and say to them that I felt only indifference, that I was not feeling anything and that was not this curious, was there something wrong with me? But i did not really have this “feeling” that there was something wrong with me, I tried to find something to “feel” even drinking down a six pack of beer just to escape non-feeling. And the whole time I was watching my self. And it was as though the people I talked to who I said I was this thing of indifference never had a response, it was as though this statement of mine was not heard, I wondered why no one was hearing this. Can you imagine me saying, I am indifferent to everything, what is this?  Nothing, no response.

Mostly what I got was being told I needed a man, that this would settle everything, that in having a man, I would see what a “real” man would be, as my husband had not been a “real” man because he had hung himself from the rafters.

This made no sense to me. My marriage had been normal. My husband and I had been very comfortable sexually, my ten years of marriage in this area was enjoyable and comfortable and regular. Even after the children were born, we chose to be together, to sleep next to one another. Always. We even held hands, it was “natural” between “ us, we just gravitated to this. Even on the day he died we had done this. Though, even on this last day, I knew something was “wrong,” i had told him to be himself. I didn’t understand how the world worked, I had to lose everything to learn how this world worked. And this is the fate of all of us unless we stop and look, research and answer those questions that come up that ask why things are the way they are. There is no choice this has to be done. Each of us has the responsibility to research and understand this world, it is the ONLY way to ensure that what we have created never happens again. We have to look at those videos of abuse to animals, we have to look into the murder and rape and functioning of this money system, we have to let go of all ideas we have about this system, all righteous rants, as these righteous rants are e (ergy) roars/errors of our limited insight as to how and what and why what exists on this earth exists. Our roar, our words, our stances, what we are is the very thing causing the abuse of this world. Thus do we tell ourselves, as what we are, our actions that are the being of ourselves that is the creation of this world. We are all responsible. Our emotions and feelings are our separation from our responsibility as life, they are us not being life.

So, here I am. numb, feeling nothing, having lost my world in one moment. I am in another place, I am numb. My sister drags me out to socialize. This was within two months of my husbands death. I go.

I am sitting there at this table at a restaurant, a large table with many people around it. It is summer, big trees shade the table, there is a breeze. Normal life there. The premise is that Rebecca needs to socialize and find a man.

Meanwhile I was so numb it was all I could to to keep my self upright in my chair.

What happens next. Now remember I have lost everything, all emotional ties, all relationships, everything. So I am asa a nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no thought, just numb. Yet I am physically here at this table, aware that I am in shock and numb, of being like nothing.

This is when I noticed something so far fetched I kept this to my self, I mean who the fuck was I supposed to say something to? The shrinks just offered sympathy, and somehow this was not a solution.

Suddenly, it was like the space of everything in front of me switched, the very fabric of everything slowed down or “warped” or lost a shine or sheen, the light alters in some way. It seems really subtle but it is reality altering the space of here. Within this I am still sitting at this table and this is steady, I do not even have a thought of losing this. I am numbness, there are no associations here for me, I have lost them all.

I think it was the sound of the people speaking that I picked up first and then instantly all else followed. All those people around that table were not here, they were like looking at something, the very focus of their eyes was on something that was not here, and the words they spoke were engineered to draw attention to themselves, to become the subject of themselves to feed them as what they were seeing that was not them seeing here. And then there was this screen like thing in front of them, a bluish lighted thing. That was reality.

I quess I had lost mine. I was so numb, mine no longer existed for the moment, mine was no longer real, to I was numb. Within this I had no where to look, I had no emotions and feelings that I was bound to, and so, for a moment I was actually here, seeing what was here, I was no longer looking at my screen as it was gone, deconstructed through trauma. What I thought was that I was going crazy, what I said to my self was, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????” and “ Oh my fucking god, no one is here, everyone is following some fucked up “thing” and existing in some kind of vortex, where they want everyone to take on their subjects for them,” so to speak as the best way I know how to describe this.

I must be losing it, I must be really crazy. But in some way this makes so much sense, It fits with so much of how people are and what they do, and how they misunderstand one another, and how there is so much lack of communication, and how there is so much anger and and and and.

I kept this to my self, because I was afraid, I mean who was there to talk to, as I said before?

Just asking about my own indifference was ignored. But this would have been ignored if everyone  was reading their screens, my words would not have served the interests of subject orientation that is what people have become as reflections of their separation from here as they hid from their unresolved fears/separations from actually being here, this would be the very construct that desteni is talking about, they describe what this is in detail, and it makes so much sense!

There is nothing extra-ordinary in what happened to me, it is nothing special, it is the outcome of having lost everything, no longer having a place in a web of relationships and having to rebuild my life to fit into another scenario. In this space of numbness as no past and having to rebuild I stopped. I was looking outward to rebuild and here I had a moment where I could see what was happening in this world. If I was numb, the very chemistry of my human physical body in “numbness” meaning I had no emotion or feeling to exist as, I would see outside of emotion and feeling, and thus see the storm of emotion and feeling in others and the construction of this around others. To label this as crazy makes no sense, as it is simply what it is as what this world is. Perhaps, all the music I had played was the development of my self to sense a more subtle world, and this is why also in this moment this happened. Which means that this ability is developmental, that we are like a construct as this human physical body that is capable of being trained to be here, and we are also able to be programmed, to build a shield of “lights” we read that separate us from being here, actually realizing this physical world, this that we are that is the substance of life, that has been constructed into a bubble of believed support that is really just a separation from substance as life.

There is so much to clean up, and it must start with ourselves. What happened to me was not “special” was not a mirage, it was what would happen to the loss of everything one had believed to be what should be built to exist in this world, and the developmental capacity of the human being. RIght here in front of us. We have separated ourselves from the substance of life. And this is reality that we have created.  We have become e(nergy)go robots and we cannot see it.

Will it take us losing everything to see this?

This is what is going to happen. Either this or we clean this up through forgiving this bubble that is broadcasts of mind, unresolved un accepted awareness of life.. It is like we deny what is so forgiving as life, we deny the substance of ourselves that is supportive.

Before this, when I knew something was wrong with my husband, I kept saying to him that all he had to do is be himself, that what he believed he had to be was not going to help him. When he died, a while afterwards I stopped one day and said, fuck, I am going to have to be and become what i was telling him to be and become. And I realized I had no idea how to do this. but I knew the answer had to be here, right in front of me. So I kept looking and looking, and getting caught up in things and then walking away, and then looking some more. And then I found desteni, and the process of self forgiveness.

I still do not have a “man, “ I can’t do it. I cannot and will not support an ego, it is like supporting death, it is too unbearable. It is like watching someone die. And when I point this out, the men run away, or pretend to acquiesce because they don’t want to lose the sex. And ironically, the men my age begin to lose their ability to have erections ( now you understand the story of Mrs. Robinson)

and run away in fear. 

I have had carpenters come to my house, and immediately the whole unspoken sex thing comes up, only to end in irritation voiced by the male. I am not complying to the structure of what they want, a structure that maintains the un-faced fear as the subject that consumes to the point where the penis has no more energy to be what a penis is. And it is done to self. Ego is self destruction and cannot be supported, can only be used to realize what it is that is limiting self and the blueprint for the application of self forgiveness, to sound the words to remove the screen that is self separating self from life.

Clean up yourself as what has been accepted and allowed so that ending up with losing everything is not how this is realized as what has been accepted and allowed. There is no reason for the existence of suicide, and if you have any “feelings and emotions” about this forgive them, sympathy is useless, it is only the pathology  of an addiction and justification for emotions and feelings that are the indicators of separation from life, a life lived in the subject of not accepting life as all as one as equal. Discover life, forgive yourself and face the illusion of your fears manifest as your ego. There is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what I believe as mind is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear and to believe that this fear is real, to run from a sensation of shaking within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that anxiety within my self is my fear, and that this anxiety can be walked through and realized for what it is, a fear of unworthiness  and that something will be lost, when all that will be lost is an emotion looked at and recognized for what it is, a separation from equality, the realization that what I believe is supportive is just a personality fearful of survival in a system accepted and allowed that demands survival as the use of money to support desires of more than and less than, the very reflection of what i am as ego in fear of becoming one and equal to all life, as I judge this world within a context of more than and less than as the very lessons of division learned as a child from parents stuck in the same state of separation from life, where I was taught to be a persona to fit into this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must be punished for what i have accepted and allowed, not realizing that such an act is the perpetuation of the separation from my self as equal and one to life as this is what I am because I am here, thus I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I had to create a persona, to hide my fears, to hide what I have not faced, to become a fixed expression in and as a singular emotion and feeling  to connect with this world, where in fact all I am doing is hiding my self from my self and depressing the very life of my self manifest in  becoming bored with this world, as I have limited the very expression of my self and created and supported a world that limits the means of self expression as i have existed in singular relationships separate from an awareness of the whole of existence and thus separated my self from what is best for all, and that this is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the very malfunctioning of my human physical body is a replication of my separation from myself as life, where I have constricted the very flow of life in and through my human physical body, creating knots of compounded “un-flow” of life, where slowly but surly the lack of flow interrupts the functioning of my human physical body where I believe that drugs will alleviate this knot when In fact no drug can alter this as I must self realize what I have accepted and allowed in fear, as judging my world within a context of more than and less than, and thus limited perception of the very fabric of existence as the substance of life that is what all is one and equal to me as life, as I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that facing this is too much, when there is no other choice and this must be done, and that considering how long I have lived seven years is nothing in comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not want to see the screen to fear the very idea that there is a screen in front of my eyes and that I have spent my self as life building this screen and that because all I see is this screen I can’t even fathom that it exists, and unless I face this, it will be faced in the loss of everything I have believed my self to be, and the shock of this could be so great that I may dispearse my self to such an extent I will only make this process, that must be cleaned up, even greater than need be, as I an here, and I have the opportunity to discover my self as life and become that which I am one and equal to life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so overwhelmed with thinking about money and survival that to turn my self from this and create an objective view seems impossible yet, this must be done, as this is, in common sense the only way to get a handle on the situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am too old and that there is too much compounded with and as me, not realizing that perhaps this is an illusion of the mind, to fuck with me, another excuse, another justification.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately go into breath the moment I feel any physical constriction and to see how I am constricting within and as my self as this constriction is the stuff to forgive, to see and realize and forgive, and at first the resistance will be great, where resistance is an indication of transcending this act within my self of self denial as life, where I actually exist as self dishonesty and lose self trust and the capacity to direct my self as I allow my self to be directed by energy, by emotion and feeling, the separation into and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  wallow in compassion for others, and not to breath and walk through this, to stop this as all that I am, as ONLY what i am, and not to look at the self as life and see solution, and realize that it will take research and time to see and realize solution, yet there is life, that is equality, that is the principle of all as one as equal, the principle of giving as one would like to receive, thus the tools are here, thus there is nothing to fear, as the equalizing of life and the stopping of separation has the principle of equality and oneness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the habit, the addiction to righteous justification of my persona, which in reality is my self living in a dream of my past as support of my self where I have created an entity of relationships that are singular and separate from, and thus a form of separation, the being of my self as oneness in equality that which I search for, yet is right here in front of myself, yet I have woven an illusion as image as the means to an end, not realizing that this idea as image is the constriction of my self away from my self as life, as being and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what I seek in others is what I have separated my self from as my self, believing I am not this, when - as I am life one and equal to all life, in fact this, yet the persona of what I believe my self to be is limiting my self from allowing my self from being as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I judge it is my self fearing losing something, that which I support my self as, and ironically nothing will be lost, and what will be gained is a capacity to transform within and as life, in my own expression in and as life, as what I do is not what i am, it is how i am within what I do that is me being the principle of oneness in equality without resistance to my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not see the moment I become spite, I am blaming an object and trying to ignore and destroy this object as this represents what I have separated within my self from, to not face what I fear I cannot be, or what i fear will destroy my persona and thus myself, when this persona is the destruction of my self, and that this is the mind, that I have allowed to become me, and imbed within me, where i am literally “in bed” with my own accepted and allowed and constructed persona as belief opinion and idea of my self that is a limitation and separation of my self from life, in essence i have created a bed of separation, and the state of my human physical body reflect this.

I commit my self to using the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, within and as the principle of oneness in equality the principle of loving my neighbor as my self to bring my self back to life, to forgive the self created persona of my self and to while within this process not to take anything personally, as I am a construction in this physical as life,and all that need be done is to align my self with life, as being self pity, blame, justification is all only more of the same thing that created this mess in the first place, where had I accepted my self as life in the first place non of this would have happened, and that If I choose to not do this I am spiting life, and thus only creating more of the same, thus this is not a solution no matter how hard I fight this, it is not a solution.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing as this is the only thing that is real, as this is the physical here, and all the storms of the mind cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, and yes, these storms must be faced and cleaned up, one by one by one, as this was not constructed in a day, and will take time to deconstruct, yet while I deconstruct i will see what I have accepted and allowed and thus be able to direct others to do this for themselves.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  fear acknowledgment of what I have accepted and allowed within and as my self.

I commit my self to facing what i have accepted and allowed as the separation of my self from my self as life, to in this moment realizing the judgements and desires I have accepted and allowed that are causing my legs to have pain and sensations of  pins and needles  as the breath of life has been denied through my own acceptances and allowances, and as I clean this up the breath of life will slowly return as it has done within my back as my back feel lighter and more flexible, where i had to really face the constriction I had accepted and allowed and accept my self as life, to stop a belief that I was unworthy and then to face what I had accepted and allowed throughout my life as having existed as such and restricted my self as life in fear of some discovery of what i believed my self to be that was not real and only a belief, and even here I must remain in breath and not fear actually breathing in to my human physical body, as I realize within this process that I was not even really breathing into my self, that my breath was shallow, that I was not even aware of the extent that I was not really breathing, and that this indicates how separate I am from my self as life, this simple act of breathing will show how un breathing i am here within and as my human  physical body, and where there are health practices that actually get people to breath , as we are aware of the fact that we are not breathing and that health needs breath, thus everything is already here to assist and support us, that it is only not-doing that is the limitation at this point.

I commit my self to breath , to breathing through anxiety, to facing this anxiety and forgiving this.

I commit my self to stopping in every moment and becoming breath before, steady and calm.

I commit my self to breathing, and self forgiveness and corrective application, to remove all emotions, thoughts and feelings, so that I become what I am, aligned with and as life, as the principle of oneness in equality to build a world that is best for all, to bring heaven onto earth where suicide need not exist, as this is a denial of life, a constriction of self  into frustration and anger at how this world exists, where such anger and frustration can compound to the point where there is so much pain in the human  physical body that migraine head aches can cause a person to want to die to get away from the pain, yet what was the acceptance and allowance of this pain, that was not realized and forgiven was also the cause and that sympathy, though not in itself “bad or good” and a non understanding of how this world works in totality in not an acceptable excuse, and all must be done by every individual ( in divided duality as mind, polarities of more than and less than, energy addictions that move from less to more as this is the nature of energy as polarity seeking to perpetuate itself) to be faced and realized as what has been accepted and allowed, within this I breath and I clean up this mess within my self one breath at a time.

I commit my self to breath, to earth to the principle of oneness in equality, here as I am life, and I will become/allow with respect life, by becoming that in all due respect.

desteni

EqualMoney

Self Perfection is self direction.