Day 506 Reacting to words of blame: addressing limitations.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that the words of others define me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words of others are my responsibility.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am responsible for the focus of another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the focus of another can determine what and who I am.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the words of another point out characteristics of what is here, and as the mind works, when the mind as a system of value judgements, speaks as an authority, it pushes away the bad through projecting the bad outward and bringing what it believes is of value to hold self in self interest, where self is believed to be the center of existence, the consequence of a system of competition within and as believing that each man is an island despite the obvious; that man is on a physical planet, the form and function of which all life on earth is dependent.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the paranormal projections of the mind are real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must react to the words of another as the voice of what it is as what I am here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel responsible for the words of another.

I forgive myself for not  allowing and accepting myself to see words as like a preliminary sketch of the physical world - so to speak- which means that they are not definitive unless I accept and allow them.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see words as a description of what is here, where this can be a good in that it draws attention to looking here, or can be used to protect and defend a “ make believe” reality, through citing values of more than and less than, as self aggrandizement and projected blame instead of solution to here in common sense, as in speaking that which does no harm and takes that which is good.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see words as sound, as an initial description, that can change with each moment, and as this the significance of words can then be taken and directed, or investigated, or transformed to become more concise, or suggestive, but that words, as such, cannot define me, and as such cannot burden me unless I accept and allow them to.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must accept the focus of reality that a series of words describe

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to protect myself from words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that words paint a picture, so to speak, and that that “ picture” is just this, a paranormal image of reality, and as such are not reality, even though words can be a vehicle into becoming aware of reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow words to confuse me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the blame projected onto me is real.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in blame - to be the lie of being lame.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that blame in no matter what shape and form is not solution, and thus blame is an ignorance of the context of physical reality, a practical physical reality that is the expression of life as what the expression of life would be in all common sense, as this is form, a gift given to be and understand life, equal and one.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see blame as a burden to carry

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become definitive within blame, referencing knowledge and information based on past experience only without a balanced reference to practical physical reality within and as what directs oneness and equality in communication and respect for all life, as the gift of being equal and one in substance.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that blame is a limitation, as a end game, ignorant of practical physical, space time reality and as such can be addressed with practical common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that righteousness is  self wanting validation which is an act of not addressing blame but rather reacting to it instead of addressing the limitation of and as blame into solution, which is to place self equal and one to and as the practical physical world, the expression of life, as life would be a form in order to express itself, here, and as such would operate in practical common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that being righteous is a separation because it is an act of self validation instead of common sense as self can only give insight when in common sense of that which is the expression of life which is the physical form which operates in visible common sense ways as this is the way and the means of the expression of life.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding that being righteous is always/allways a separation from life, from the gift of and as life, as life is in support of itself an act/expression of absolute giving, thus life as expression is to give absolutely of self as life,anything else is separation.

When and as I find myself believing I have not been clear with my words as a reaction of accepting blame in/through protection and self defense, I stop and I breath and I bring myself here,  to become one and equal within the texture of the physical world.

When and as I find myself reacting in protection and self defense I stop and I breath, as this projection of righteousness, a self accepted entity of pushing away the blame as within this I have accepted and allowed myself to become infearior to life as I have taken the blame personally believing that i am responsible for the blame or will be labeled as the blame and as such an act of separation from the physical practical reality, and I see, realize and understand that blame as limitation and I direct myself within and as what is best for all, which is what is best for the physical world, even if this means taking the time to investigate a solution

When and as I find myself reacting within in protection and self defense, as moving into inferiority into righteousness as the mask of superiority, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down until I can remain within a modicum of ease within and as breath.

When and as I find the corners of my mouth sinking way way down, I stop and I breath, and for the moment, I practice placing myself in humble gentleness within and as breath, here.

When and as I find behaviors of others as criticism, as an emotional storm as what is present around me, directly, I stop and I breath, and at this point I allow this storm to crest and remain equal and one with and as breath, and practice walking the limitation as best I can into what directs the movement into and as grounding one practically equal and one with and as the information of sound as life in common sense of physical reality.

When and as I find a wave of righteousness welling up from my solar plexus, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that at this point I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another and not addressed limitation and separated myself from being a direct memory of life, which is being equal and one in common sense of practical physical reality.

When and as I find myself reacting, I stop and I breath, and I see, realize and understand my own expectations as myself believing in a gain that separated myself from common sense and lead into a protection and self defense as a fear of loss, and I stop and I breath, until I stabilize myself within and as breath, here, as the energy of reaction must be forgiven, and within this to realize that the entity as mind as judgement and the consequences of such must be forgiven, walked and as such cannot be the definition of myself unless I accept and allow it.

When and as I find a weight on my chest, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see , realize and understand that this is going to take some practice and time to unknot.

When and as I find myself weighing myself down in and as a belief of more than and less than, I stop and I breath, and I see, realize and understand that the ease and gentleness to stand within and as what is best for all, is always/allways right here in front of me, and as this I slow myself down and I breath and stabilize myself within and as what is best for all of which moves with ease here.

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Day 504 Self Forgiveness on the thought " Now look what you have done."

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the voice in and as my mind, to go into believing that I have done something wrong as I blame myself for reactions in another, as though what I said and what I did was the cause of the reaction.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that a  emotional/feeling reaction within myself, or within another is generated by the source of the reaction, and as blame is rejection of self responsibility.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is something wrong with me when and as I face emotional and feeling reactions in others within and as a belief that I am the cause of the reaction.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought, as the voices in and as my mind, from parents and society, in and as a belief as the words “ now, look what you have done”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the belief as the words “ see what you have done”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become self-blame/blame, whether it is myself or another, or  as the voices in and as my mind from past events where the voice of “ see what you have done,” triggers past events of same behavior of self-blame/blame all of which are acts of limitation and libel and not self within and as being self directive within solution that brings ease and equality of understanding in practical common sense of the physical world in ways that do no harm and support all life to be and become what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then hide this belief as this self-blame, which is blame overall, in and as the words “ now see what you have done,” and to become inFEARior to this, and as such, allow a frustration of lack and limitation that is stagnant and non-directive in common sense of solutions that are evident on a physical planet that is in all common sense what the formation of life in expression would be.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then deny that such blame can exist as me, in denying the blame though behaviors of  hiding the blame, instead of addressing overall why an act of blame exists, where blame is really, in totality, a signature as an act of denial into solution and resolution within looking at the form and function of the very fabric of existence and realizing in common sense what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that just as with myself , a reaction to blame, as a protection and defense of “ no I did not” or “ yes you did,” is a storm in a teacup of protection and self defense, either of which are acts of blame and not of solution within and as realizing the limitations that cause the lack of being specific  and as such directive within and as what is best for self, as in building self awareness of practical reality form and function, within and as realizing the only solution is what is best for all, this being supportive of all life, as life is the value.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand when and as I become protection and self defense within and as the belief that a “ wrong” has been done. which when I allow this to become myself as a belief , or the act of another, I allow a limitation where the solution is to look at the limitation and be specific within and as what equalizes what is in essence a rejection of the capacity of self to become self responsible as in giving what is best for all, as what is best for self is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that when and as I become an idea that I have done something wrong, I am allowing myself to remain as a belief that there is something to win, something to gain, and/or the polar opposite that there is potential for loss, or judgement, and that this will be branded as what I am, all of which is limitation and ignorance of physical practical reality and the capacity of self as the very substance of life to become a movement in and as solution, which is the choice of equality, in and as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to become self-blame/blame I am in effect becoming an ego and dividing myself into beliefs of superiority and inferiority that is a state of being in limitation as it has no directive capacity within and as solution which is to look here in common sense of practical physical reality, where the GPS as the abstract of what I am within is one and equal in common sense of what is best for physical existence in form and function as that which does no harm and supports the value being life in expression.

When and as I face reaction as blame within or without, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I look at the existent fear as the limitation that is the reaction and I bring this back to self to see, realize and understand in specificity why blame exists and why the act of spite as blame exists, as this is wanting to push away a bad, as an idea, where the idea is itself a limitation lacking connection in practical common sense of physical reality.

When and as I find myself tensing up in the face of blame and spite, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I look at the object of blame and address the limitation and the ambiguity within the limitation and I walk this limitation into understanding a practical solution in common sense of what is best for all, which means grounding myself within and as the physical world as the expression of life,

When and as I find myself sinking into impossibility as an emotion within and as me, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I address the problem through directing into solution within and as the principle of what is best for all, which means realizing that blame is a consequence of inequality to a physical world that functions in practical ways, where harm is visible and what supports in and as causing no harm is able to be understood by all men.

When and as I find myself reacting as uncertainty, which manifests as a sinking feeling pressing down on the middle of my chest between my shoulder blades,where my heart rejects common sense of myself as life, and I revert to a protection and defense  morality as righteousness from my thighs as justification through limited values to hide a sense of un-worthiness to life  building in my solar plexus  as the vessel of my accepted and allowed thoughts of “now look what you’ve done”  which is myself accepting a blame that was done from a starting point of an idea as a good/gain, that was a separation from equality and oneness, with and as the physical world, where the value is being life, of which all is the same.

When and as I find myself  wanting to play the savior, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I realize in all common sense that I can only stand equal and one with what is right here in front of me, and investigate, if I am uncertain within and as what is best for all to direct myself here, equal and one to and as the physical which is the creation and expression of life, here.

When and as I find myself believing that there is a more than, other than here, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and realize that anything other than here, than hearing here, is an illusion in and as the mind, as energy, and as such limited in substance, and unequal to life.

When and as I find myself becoming tired and wanting to go to sleep, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I go easy on myself within and as the process of aligning myself equal and one as a  direct memory equal and one with and as the physical, and that this tiredness is resistance to change , into and as a silence that has the capacity to hear everything as it is the substance of no-thing.

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Day 448 Self Corrective Statements for Indolence

When and as I find myself within a thought that I am not understood, I stop and I breath, and I realize where I did not direct myself and instead allowed myself to become uncertain - in separation as uncertainty - and/or exist as a belief that I somehow missed something and thus “ did something wrong” as a consequence of an earlier thought and/or  thought that what I was/am doing is impossible, and/or labeled the other as limited/ignorant/stupid all such inner actions a separation away from the moment within and as such a road to self righteousness, justification, into characters of projection and self abdication of life, and as such all that I can do is forgive my separation and realize that I can only be a solution within and as being directive within the principle of what is best for all, this which is directive and humble, and which is going to take some practice, as the venues of a polarity system have been my accepted and allowed con-dition.

When and as I find myself going into a movement of projection I see realize and understand that I am rejecting myself as life, pushing away a “ bad” and justifying within a good as myself  believing the fault is not mine, here I stop and I breath and I see, realize and understand that I am equal to all life, and as this the choice is solution as what is best for all.

When and as I find myself hesitating to direct myself within my environment, I stop and I breath, and I take an evaluation within what I am able to order within where I am, and I do not allow myself to obsess over where I am, and I stop and I breath, and I - take the time to walk every day- and I  realize the steps I am able to complete within the framework of a day and not expect more than this, and I do not allow myself to wonder into and as my mind pondering why certain expectations have not been met as this is not myself being directive but allowing myself to separate into self pity, and character escapades in and as justification, self righteousness, inferiority, projection all of which are not directive here within and as the principle of what is best for all.

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Day 339 Bring RIght Back to the Principle of Equality

What is this burning in my thighs? It is a moralistic righteousness. A possession as a sate of being in and as energy where I blame and spite, point the finger and become a “ want of justice”. None of this directs me here, moves me within practical solution here, it is like a Negation of one, a “non-one” as myself within being one with here, as realizingequality to here, as the movement of myself in expression here.
It is like the focus of myself within is limited, following venues, avenues taught, clinging to ideas lacking physical perspective/perception, missing movement and seeing a fixed state/statue based on self interest - this that is of fear of loss/doom and gloom- in a belief of powerlessness. This spiced up with quilt in not doing anything, a belief of being the lie of myself as what I am, rejecting the thing as me that moves that flows that forms and can change and direct, this that can remember in consideration of all life, holding a principle of what is best for all, to realign back into and as life, as what I am, clear and constant within this.

It is to forgive a fixation on what is “ right” within a system of limited values used to maintain a loss of self as life into a “constant” state of survival, a constant state of terror, as this is what a constant state of survival exists as, as it is a state of seeking and fear, it is a state of instability as the nature of what it creates. And I have accepted and allowed this within as myself, rejecting myself as an instrument of the sound and substance of life here, becoming the director of this gift as what I am, as life, as the principle of “ what is best for all” even though this wall on the wall in elementary school, a slogan placed on the wall, the truth right in front of me, where I did not stop and look at what supported this slogan, a wall, of bricks - more than likely- blocking the view of the physical earth, this earth right there, that which within interaction was the way and the means to practically, physically apply the principle of “ give as you would like to receive”, all of this a structure of elements not good or bad, but simply placed into a structure that is limiting, and thus has manifested a system that has not developed an earth where all life is constant as an expression of life, with ease, each part equal and yet one, being what is best for self, as what is best for all, the two self sustaining and constant as equality with life.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame and spite, to not see, realize and understand that if I slow down and look at the parts as myself, I will see realize and understand that it is the formation of me, as me within that is in separation from myself as life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not allow myself as life, to equalize with practical common sense of this physical world, and the needs of what is here as this physical world, considering what are the needs of myself as a physical body, in all simplicity and that this is what is needed for all, and stop and look at my own values I will see realize and understand that what directs me are values similar to what is sold and product developing as the ideas of the consumerist world, are what I believe will change me into what will enable attention and accolade, survival and social recognition, where i exist within a bubble of limited values that I then enter social scenarios with, and seek validation to see if I have correctly measured myself within the norm, where If I stop and I look this whole process means that I am my own creator and director and that I can take this same practice and align myself within and as what is best for all and consider all life, as what is here on earth equal and one to and as me, as being of the same substance.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I begin to moralize I must stop and look at how I am being what was taught, accept this and realign this within the principle of what is best for all, which means I must investigate beyond what I was taught, and see, realize and understand that my awareness was limited to include only certain values, and not extend itself as me, to how the present systems such as banking and government, politics and education, health and agriculture are in fact functioning on this earth, where one effects the other, and this within a system of profit in self interest as the terror of survival creates all of which is a separation from life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am right, to exist as a singular thought as myself as being “ right”, to become a state of righteousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a comparison machine, of values, not seeing realizing and understanding that this is being competition within survival as what has been taught, and not myself in common sense here, this is not myself realizing how I have become a walking belief that one thing is more than another, and/or that one thing should be done over another, to here stop and realize that how here works has to always consider the whole, be aware of the whole, to understand what is best for all, directly with the physical world in order to direct within and as what is best for all here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how often I go into idea as mind only, and separate myself from life in this process.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this is in one way a taught anger, an angle - an angel of doom and gloom as outcome- within a bubble of belief as righteousness, and for this I forgive myself back into and as myself as a physical being, here, slow myself down, and breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a superstition of what is right and what is wrong, the parts not good or bad, but “ lego-ed” together in what supports in self interest within a system of survival, as mind as consciousness, in separation from physical equality and oneness, which means including the actual physical world as reference with every breath with every step, to align in equality and oneness practically, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my righteousness is a behavior of limited fixation onto limited parts, and the idea, image created becomes the directive as image in and as my mind, as consciousness, and thus a smoke screen allowing directives that allow behaviors of self interest in a bubble in and as the images in and as my mind, and not myself equal and one, with and as the physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the way out of this limited, design consciousness is to forgive the limitations and bring all of this back to self,, to realize the mind is life in a bubble in separation from here, from the physical, where myself as a human organic “ machine” of sorts has created an imaginary world around me as a bubble of energy, as a reflection of how i have accepted and allowed separation from equality and oneness to what is real as this physical world, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have behaviors of self blame, of self regret within and as realizing I had not realized what I am in totality here, where i cannot blame anyone as this is more of the same that created this in the first place, and that this has been going on for a very very long time, eons of time, thus to blame my parents, or the government, or the bankers, or my teachers etc. etc. etc. is not only not a solution in and as blame, but also not being and becoming what is myself as life, directing myself as life, realizing the physical is what allows equal and one being as what I am in equality to and as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am justified in being angry, as this anger is righteousness, and thus myself not facing my own shame for not having directed myself here as life, for allowing myself to judge myself as less than, as somehow negative as in not fitting in here, not seeing realizing and understanding how i was behaviors of comparison within limited means, and actions of competition to gain ascendency within the illusion as mind, a superstition placed onto reality, here, which I accepted and allowed as I became the present system for which I forgive myself and stand within and as realizing this system must be reformed through what has been developed, surrounded by many who have not realized how much they exist in separation as mind, from what is real, as this physical world, where if they knew what they were doing , they would stop immediately, and that it is a process to realize how as consciousness one walks in illusion, in separation from reality, from here, where all will be lost as mind only, and many of the values will remain, thus the change need not be as deathly as the mind appears to react as, as this is just the ideas as mind reacting in and as superstition as image in mind not wanting to lose in intensity, diminish in intensity, as this has been directing as a beacon of seeing light for so long, and the human physical body is acclimated to this to such a degree - even within its slow ( and sometimes fast) diminishment) that it appears as mind that this is all there is, this that leads to death, and thus is far away from birthing myself / self into being equal and one to and as the physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this being of myself as a moralistic righteousness is triggered by a shock of focusing away from here suddenly to and towards serving an idea wanting validation and reacting as protection and defense and then becoming indignant, justifying the disruption, as in a way this focus was in self interest as itself having no understanding of here in totality.

Day 247 Is a behavioral cycle a way to operate?

Today I allowed another “attack” of the mind. I notice a pattern here. It is cyclical and it moves with my womanly reproduction period.
About a week before my period, I get tired and really down on myself. That happened at Christmas. And today was the righteousness dialogue spinning around in my head, imaginings of horrific outcomes where I became the bully, in self defense. It is as though I move from self pity, into self defense. And it happens life clock work, and so sneaky seeming, so subtle.
This time it seemed so strong. My children had come home from college, and I went into remorse and quilt, feeling like I could have done so much more for them. And in the days before they came, I had my roof redone, and because of the weather, it was put off from one day to the next, so I worried about this. When I think of spending money I tend to go into a litany about having lost the support of a husband, and self pity about having to do everything alone, all by my lonesome self.
I had to breath, and yet not hide from what was going on in and as my mind.
What helped, was having looked at myself and the drama in and as my mind, the template of a morality, a moral compass taught within limited values creating a signature MO, or a method of operation as a collective of judgements as spite and blame hiding fear. This has been all graphed out, a template of limited design, a program. Self accepted and allowed. My guiding light, shining so bright the more I utilized this to define myself here, I could no longer see the totality of existence, and removed myself from here, and buried myself within the consequences of my own self accepted ignorance.
So, I breath, and I realize my own template and I strive to equalize myself with and as life here, with practical application in common sense of this physical world. This meansseeing what i have allowed and breathing within this running morality, this running template of beliefs, opinions and ideas of what is more and what is less in terms of keeping a place within the societal and cultural grid in which I live, my own personal inter-dimensional halo, a mind consciousness system. But this seemed to be a roller coaster, with no real stability.
Where is the stability, where is the constancy, where is real communication, where is joy?
As a single mom, I had gotten to the point where I had no help - well to say no help is not clear, as I had some help, but I was alone, meaning I did not have another person here to help me solve normal daily living problems. Within this i started to tell myself that the answer has to be right here, and then I started to think that it had to do with what enabled self discovery, even though I was not too clear on what that meant.
So, when I found desteni, and was introduced to the principle of “what is best for all” I realized that this made so much sense. But what did this mean to become this as a template of self direction?
So, as I realized I was being self pity at Christmas, I had to breath, and even though I was consumed with this self accepted emotion of “woe is me” I had to breath and say this is not me, this helps no one or no thing, this being of myself as this will do nothing to stop this in this world, it is pointless and self destructive, no matter how seemingly real, or how strong, I had to breath and take the principle of equality and fucking breath, to pull myself back into and as myself, to say no, in no uncertain terms, even when the tiredness came, and even if I had not seen, have not seen all the past that i held onto within judgements, that created this shadow self, I had to not allow myself to become this, and when it seemed to overwhelm I had to just breath, and keep this template of equality and oneness here, to hold this stable as much as I could, to slow myself down and not allow thevoices in my mind, as this system of separation into judgement, into parts, to be and become what i am here.
So, today the righteousness came, the dialogue of defense, I caught myself within this and I spoke self forgiveness and immediately it calmed the storm. Even though, now I notice that often I want to go and do things, like a desire for distractions, entertainment.
I have to walk through all the self forgiveness I have done, see where I created what belief, opinion and idea, and walk through the realignment within self commitment statements to and towards what is best for all in and as this actual, real physical world, in common sense, which also means looking at the present system of inequality and realizing that this profit based system is not what is supportive of life, thus, until it is changed, it has to be dealt with without reaction and in consideration of what prevents such a system, within and without.
So, for example, if I have an emotion of myself being less than in any way, I realize I am making a comparison to an idea, as the MC/MO taught within limited values, and I had to stop myself and say no, this is the past and this is not what i am here, and if I allow this, I am in essence being disrespectful of life, thus this is not the choice of what I chose to be here.
And then if I have to direct myself, within what is best for all, I must do so just as I do with myself, look at what is real here, as what makes sense here, and move within and as this, just as I do with the dialogue I wrote, as my self commitment statements, within and without.
Is is interesting to notice that when I do this when speaking to another person, meaning, when I start to speak within taking directions within this world in terms of realizing the value is life, and thus creating a system that supports all life as the value, sometimes the person listening seems to be looking into some void, eyes scanning away, and thus appearing to be looking all over the place, a lot of blinking. This is what I am within myself when I allow myself to become the mind, it is like I am scanning something that is not here, that is not seeing what is here as this world, this actual physical world. And I become this myself when I do not catch myself. And it seems life a numbness, or a void. And then it gets really hard to read and/or to take in information, or conversation, like I cannot hear. Within this, it is no wonder people seek like MC/MO people - this mind/physical relationship, it is so much easier to exist within agreement within same morality than to change the program, as the change from a set program reveals a lot of friction and conflict within, this self validating ideology of limited design hiding in essence a fear of self as life, unless one realizes what is absolute and supportive, life, what is being and speaking and living what is best for all, as the principle of oneness and equality, to be and live in thought, word and deed, “to give as one would like to receive.”
Thus, it is to breath and to constantly cross reference myself with the physical world, and to watch what I exist as within myself as energy, as a movement as reaction in and as fear, where some such movements in and as myself are so subtle, I have not yet mastered this, yet the lightness I am now , in contrast to the roller coaster I previously lived in and as fear, and the lessening of physical constriction, and the physical sensitivity to my world, is well worth the walk.
I tend to jump physically within sudden noises, and though I continue to react, I pull myself back much faster, and so, such events are no longer so overwhelming. And this does not mean it might not happen again, it just means that when I catch myself I can direct myself within and as this, and the more I practice, the stronger I get. So this means to remain humble within this, to not judge such things within or without.
What is it that I fear? Is it that I fear facing the eternal? Have I judged the eternal, the darkness as something to fear. Is the eternal what I seek in the romantic notion of the eyes of another? In facing the eternal, the darkness, will I ever need to rush again? What is stopping me, that I keep banging my head against the wall of consciousness? Could this be a fear that is simply an illusion that I have determined
to be real?

Desteni

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Day 163 Reactions within Confusion

Day 163 Reactions within confusion
A memory coming up of having a fever. I must have been in 4th or 5th grade. I was placed in an air-conditioned room to, I guess, keep me cool. My fever was so high there were people coming out of the air conditioner. Ugly, screaming people, clawing and attempting to get me, or so this was my perception. I woke up today with a sense of distortion as myself. Like one want/desire/need being some kind of a distortion, where a sense of myself had all manner of shapes, like I was one major distortion as the character of myself, this was like things coming out of the air conditioner. The mind is like a visual air conditioner, a condition of distortion. Anger and righteousness more reaction, a protest only, in a bubble, no solution- and we are trained to be this, we accept this. Fear and anger being distortion of reality, reactive within protection and defense, ignoring direction, blinded by having judgement from a photograph of limited detail/awareness as what a photo would be in separation from actual physical reality, it is how we anthropomorphize what is here, and create cartoon characters of exaggeration, bringing out selective characteristics, making some bigger than others and thus distorting reality. Our Rumpelstiltskins are the ones left behind, attempting to survive, to be remembered within society, and they are never going to go away, as they are aspects of our behavior as the distortion. Avoidance is ignorance, and what is ignored does not suddenly disappear, it cannot, it is nature ignored within the distortion made in anthropomorphism, in selecting limited qualities and trying to force them into singular expressions. Thus avoidance is resistance, and resistance persists, as the division is a whole, no happy face, as positive facade, can hide a value diminished as less than, ignored, judged.
In becoming behaviors in and as reactions, energetically, protection and defense of survival build walls of separation, it is like a self anthropomorphism, a distortion, a fantasy escape of justification from reality. Protection and defense as borders around limited qualities that ignore the physical gift of life, a composite of the whole energetic separation, layers of separation individualized and made huge, understood to be what is real, when it is not, it is like self in a fever, the fever being energy, burning and consuming the body, all the while the life within self simply wanting a state of ease, this “state” that is believed must be achieved through rape and pillage, when it is what self is, as self as life, the nature of self as life, right here, with the actual physical world as guide.
Meanwhile, I have fallen, these last days, in worries, in morality. I have lead myself, as a single mother, through stopping and telling myself that the answer is right here in front of me, and usually I have to calm down to see the answer, slow way down. This is always here, and must be modeled. The nature of life must be modeled, perhaps it is the only way, as this is the way to learn. Those violin teachers that directed and never judged, modeled, they would pick up their instruments and play, model, physically show. And the ones that did this were the ones that had mastered playing.
Slowing down and breathing is stopping the distortion.
In confusion, I am fused with the distortion and I can no longer see what is actually physically here, as I am looking for answers within the distortion; a distortion difficult to name as it morphes what is real, and perpetually changes, like a mirage on the horizon in hot weather.
we, the human are like walking anthropomorphized ideas, beliefs and opinions, totally separate from reality, from the physical, naturally there can be no answers here. This is limited, and separate from reality, the actual physical.
That child is a child and not a sex object.
As a child I was being taught distortion, and not equality and oneness with what was physically real, here, given freely to express life.
I was looking for answers and means to support myself within the distortion, as the behaviors as words surrounding me were one and the same as myself as my behavior of confusion, words supporting the distortion that were what was taught to my parents and their parents, this the continuation of the fever as mind as energy in separation from this physical, actual world of support.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to win something, as in having an understanding with my parents as a child, ignoring the actual physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my confusion was just as I called it, named it, telling me what i was, as what I was accepting and allowing, attempting to be and become the very distortion, meaning separation from common sense of this actual physical world, where this sense of the physical world, as common sense I had come to believe was something dirty, as this was another reprimand given with the choice of friends, and involvements made and then judged and denigrated by the mind of distortion as I learned to accept the characters as values that fit into the persona of my family, as what held a believed point of survival within a system of separation into more than and less than, that divides and conquers what is freely given by this earth to support life, manifest as a hierarchy of a few having more than what is needed to support themselves as life, ignoring the suffering of other life forms as on this earth, not realizing that no one will become life on this one organism called earth until all are equally supported as life, as who would want parts of an organism that have not considered the whole?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own distortion of reality, as a survival suit of characters and personas that is a mirage placed on the horizon of this earth, consuming my human physical body, as this distortion is a virus of destruction of what is not one and equal to life, and thus is an act of life protecting itself, removing what is not supportive of the whole, removing what is not one and equal to life as life, and thus what is not aware as life, will not exist as it is in separation from life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to “suck in” myself like a constriction, like a vacuum inward into and as fear, separating myself from here, from this actual physical world, like I am becoming a build of protection and defense as justification to protect what? It really seems that there is nothing there within this action, as it is not directive but myself getting ready to “push back” in defense, based on an idea that is what i have been taught that bears no witness to what is actually real here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how much I do this all the time, as this is all that I have been, this has become habit and the only way to stop this is to breath and forgive myself in common sense of what is physically actually here, where breath is a kind of reading of what is actually physically here as reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of protection and defense, bracing myself to protect myself whether passively or actively, two sides of the same coin, where I take on a distorted facade as what has been taught, where if my presentation is not accepted I become confusion and look for answers in the shields taught and within this searching, look for a holy grail to shield myself, and end up in an empty, blank place of no common sense and lose my ground, so removed from what is physically real that I become a blank, and feel confused, the confusion, being blank and feeling like there is no place to go because I am going no where, as I am ignoring the actual physical world and am not breathing and being in common sense of this physical world, the very support and substance of life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that even one thought that this cannot be done, is an illusion, is the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the behavior as what I am being and allowing as having, be a voice as the habit of what I have accepted and allowed as this searching for answers within and as the shields of protection and defense as what I am supposed to do as what was taught, looking to and towards this and believing that common sense is impossible, difficult, irritating, as this does not maintain the mirage as the distortion and the fantasy as mind as the separation from life in common sense of this physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that knowledge and information is just this, and as this cannot have any sense of this actual physical world, where knowledge and information is no sounding, physical substantive sounding, sensing of what is actually here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ignore the layers of facade as energy masking acceptance of the physical, as energetic highs hiding a low, as the low is resistance of the whole, is ignorance of what is actually physically here, as limited values are what is accepted.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there will be no life until all humans realize common sense, until all that is of this earth is cared for as life, as this is the value, and that the mind of separation will be reactive and protest, ignore and blame, avoid and deny as it clings to a happy face, as supposed positive energy even until the last ounce of energy is burned off with no more support as this is the nature of clinging to an idolized value as being more than something else, a delusion ignoring what is actually here in totality.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no real pretty “happy face way” to face reality here, where I realize that my fear, as what I am within standing within and as confusion, is wanting to find some polite/happy/easy/ pleasant way to reveal that reality is not what is being respected and treated as life, the forgiving of self in gratefulness and thanks for the value that is here which is life, that which must be what is realized for all that exists on this earth, a life of dignity, where there is absolutely no excuse, non what so ever that any form of neglect and abuse of any single one thing on this planet is justifiable, as that is insanity in self interested gain with out equal consideration of all life. Period.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my confusion is simply an escape from reality, a “not wanting to look”, a wanting to be “nice “ about what has been accepted and allowed as ignorance of what is in fact real, which is this physical world.

I commit myself to speaking up about how the “positive - supposed “happy face” is the crime of ignorance against life,
I commit myself to asking the question as to what a happy face will do for the children who suffer from lack of food, lack of education, lack, as a with-holding of freely given resources on earth, of shelter just so some can cover the rot of their bodies under make-up and opulence unnecessary and unexpressive of any kind of equal communication with all the life that is of this earth.
I commit myself to realize that the ONLY thing a truth will hurt is a self interested ego, as this is what ego is in fact, set of limited values clung to in a limited belief that one thing is more than another, when this is the illusion, an illusion that cannot even communicate with all that is here that is life, having no understanding of life, as, if such an understanding of life exist, then no abuse in any form would be what is here on earth, that this indicates the presence of separation and lack of self awareness as life, in oneness and equality with life as the very substance of what all that is here consists of and exists as. Period.
I commit myself to no longer fearing the avoidance tactics of ego, the resistance of what persists and compounds as abuse, as what is ignored on this earth, blatant abusive ignorance, hiding behind -, avoiding what is negative as though this is going to make this world a better place, which is total irresponsibility and ignorance, contained within all self pitying statements as “I do the best I can”.
I commit myself to realizing that when I become confused and blank within seeking a response, where I physically feel like I am condensing in some way, I am in fact looking for some pretty way of speaking up, as facing telling the truth is what I fear, looking at what is actually physically here, as I might be called more of the same as what an ego would answer, the very same words I heard as a child, that i am impossible, difficult and irritating, because in the end, being in common sense of life here, is extremely irritating to the limited self interests of the idols as values distorted and made more than other values, when what is not one and equal as what is realized is that the value is life.

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