Taking the word PRIDE apart Day 730

Pride has a pull for me. I want to reject it, never allow myself the gift of this as I fear that the moment I am proud of something I will lose it. This has, been my experience in some ways. Those moments I felt I had reached something, only to have my joy taken from me. And yet, this in itself is a contradiction, because joy can never be taken, it can only be denied. To deny something is like hiding it, when it is a real value as a living value that can remain constant- standing through, standing up, remaining in it course as its very nature!  To deny something is to resist it. The action of resistance such a busy work, such practice can become a burdensome persona that needs constant payment. I am the creator of my own monthly perpetual payment to support the walls of my own mis-judgement- a form of self punishment, a form of being at war with myself. 

This, overall, based on survival. The survival based on not doing the math, problem solving in ways that I give the insight to enable self to see directly. Remember those moments here, where someone explained something and one immediately saw it and then had the secondary reaction of, ‘how could I have missed that!, It is so obvious!”?  What busy work was in the way? What beliefs circulating within one, that blocked what was so easy and actually natural?

In my case, it is some inflammation as a belief, energetically colored, as polarized into a self blame scenario. Somehow, there is an equation that I have allowed to define me, as believing that being proud was followed with a loss, a complete shattering of that with which I became a sense of pride. I probably attached a value of excitement to being proud, lost a sense of the means to accomplishment, and inflated the value, forgetting for a moment, the steps completed  and that this in itself meant that anything could be learned. The espansive nature of being here, could not be lost, it was only that I allowed a belief precedence. 

When reactions came towards me, as I was so self involved, even within a so-called ‘ good’ I reacted to reactions, not slowing down to sense the shame in another for not realizing the means of self discovery and expansion of awareness. I then, took this reaction as a threat to and towards my own development. A twist that could create a veil, so thin yet so encompassing. I can see where it is said the veil is thin is so appropriate. It exists in those kinds of statements that voice “ how could I have missed this!” 

It is being so self involved, so self engrossed, that within the train of my development, I had lost a practice of slowing down and listening to what a reaction of fear was as a natural desire to do being buried in the same as I was being as this was also my starting point. I can also see where this would lead myself to becoming what some might call ‘ intellectual’ as an understanding of expanding awareness was present, yet protected because I did not slow down to realize that the means were not always understood because one simply did not take the time to look! 

And, also, within this pride, as I have lived my life, there is always something new to learn, to understand, to incorporate, were it not so, then life would not move on. Thus, others that had insight I lacked, I began/initially reacted as what I experienced towards myself that was the same,  I allowed myself to become embarrassed- as in ‘ why did I not know that?’ And yet, this non-seeing is ego, which is self allowing a belief that one’s intuition is greater than reality. My intuition being my experience, not all bad, yet not what is here, as it is only the signature of my past. And yet that past is built from interacting with the physical world around me, thus what is paramount is the physical. My intuition in this case, must become flexible, fluid, able to change in every moment, as my real relationship is towards the physical, which is the manifestation of what works- and that must involve constant change with remembering in every moment what is constant. 

Yesterday, I looked at the word ‘ pride’ to deconstruct it so that I could frame this tool, as this word in such a way it could be used to ground me to remember that my intuition is my past, that what is real is the physical and that change is a constant as well as that which is steady in being a constant support.

I also learned yesterday, that the sound ‘ she” or chi, or shhh’ originally meant ‘ not knowing’ or a state of ‘ not knowing’ which is within the sound of the word ‘ shame’ and shaman. I thought this interesting, because I also has a kind of dyslexia around this very same sound when I was younger and learning to spell. When an ‘ s’ appeared in a word, or the sound of ‘ s’, as in ‘ such’, or ‘ch’ or ‘-ish’ I had a hard time with a retention of words using this sound! 

Thus, that the word ‘ shame’ has this sound, means that shame is ‘ not having enough awareness about something ‘ as that tiny sound of the ‘ sh’ is based on ‘ being a state of not knowing’ 

The twist here, is that I allowed a ‘ not knowing’ within a process of default by ignorance, as not looking. Yet, at the same time, this sense of not knowing, could be used to realize that every moment involves change and realizing what is constant, as what works, in relation to the physical. Thus, I can instead of moving in ignorance as ‘ not knowing’ as not looking because I am moving as an inflammation of my intuition- as my past, or I can realize that in every moment I cannot know until I look here, at this reality. Meaning, every moment is a state of ‘ not knowing’ because every moment is different, yet there are things as the physical, that are stable and constant, and can be referenced as this is what is real around me, whereas my intuition is based on my experience- a secondary entity.

My shame as an unknowingness of what is real, having allowed an idea about myself to be larger than life, as my intuition, can transform into realizing that unknowingness is actually cool, because it means every moment as the physical, reveals the way forward. I suppose, from my perspective at this point, it is to say, to move forward means to move as ‘ unknowing’ without a color of shame. Somehow, that is within the word ‘ pride’ for me, towards a redefinition of the word ‘ pride’.

The word ‘ pride’ as the word ‘ ride’ within it,  can be to ride the unknowing, no longer fearing the unknown and trusting what I as a human being can do, which is to assess what is here, and come up with solutions to the unexpected. And to realize, that being a living assessment of what is here, and using my experience, means not fearing the unknowingness that is accepting the no-thing that is every-thing. Another way to say this is to realize that I am the means of change- even my neurons can change and regrow. Thus, I can redefine pride within directing myself to ride the pi of life, as what is change and yet what is constant, facing each moment from a point of ‘ unknowingness’ as being the gift of not defining myself ONLY by my intuition, which is my past experience.

When I sense pride, colored with protection and defense, as movements of self validation, I can stop and breath, slow down, and forgive the past, to stand in readiness to accept all things and take that which is good to live what allows an understanding as ‘ that is so obvious, why did I not see this’ to bring out a unknowingness built of resistance into an acceptance of ‘ unknowingness’ as a means to see more directly this reality.  This practically applied would be myself , within myself, standing in accepting all things, an acceptance of redoing in every moment, from a starting point of being a state of ‘ unknowingness’ as respect in the moment of all things here, as I cannot know until I look, and every moment must be to always look without a value judgement about who and what I am. This is like being a part of the ‘ pride’ of the lye-on life, meaning to accept life, as a physical form, and to ‘ lie down ‘ on the very fabric of what is here, as the physical. Thus, I can be ‘ proud’ of myself as life. I can join the pride of lions and move into a living practice of and as, in every moment that kind of seeing that is inherent in the reaction “ why did I not see that!”

A mis-use of pride- something to sort out! Day 729

One thing I notice within myself, in terms of processing my own storied information, biased and based on not having enough information, and/or not listening and looking at the practical, as myself as a living being that is physical, is how much I resisted problem solving. Meaning, the lack of looking and listening, as a consequence by default of justifying not having taken the time to sort things out, as to really know the ‘ score’ of practical reality. This in itself is like an entity of self pity within- a thing that can accumulate in the back of a person.

I have a memory, of myself, walking down a New York city street, as a teenager, and wondering what was in the back’s of people. At this time in my life, I was beginning to see the realities of this world, especially from being exposed to the modeling industry as I had sisters involved in this industry. I was watching my peers move towards their ideas of entering this world too. I could cite many examples; seeing my friends moving from one group to another, changing their dress codes etc. all to fit into an idea of what it meant to ‘ grow up’ and leave something that was unique within them behind. Such a change is stark when it involves moving into playing the modeling game.

Another area was music. I would perform on the street for a teenage discretionary income. It was much more lucrative then working a minimum wage job. One winter, I worked at the huge Macy’s department store on 34th street. I encountered fathers bringing in their children, asking them to put on one of the coats and to then walk out. The child crying when the coat was taken, the father inflated and little, conflicted in getting caught, not getting his daughter the coat, and she being a witness to this.  I encountered the boss, verbally reprimanding me when her boyfriend would come in at the end of the shift and spend all his time talking to the teenage girl- the new and younger woman on the floor ( which was me). In this I was trapped, there was no where to go. I even realized that I was moved at the whim of the boss, to be placed in the most demanding situations. When it was slow, I was on the floor, cleaning up the children’s cloths on the down time, when it was busy, I was on the register. I suppose I would do the same thing, were I the boss, because it allows the boss to watch over the operations of the whole- yet at the time, I thought I was being punished! lol

In terms of street performing, it had its dangers, yet they were manageable, it was more a taboo, seemingly too loose and independent for my friends as we grew older. That minimum wage job, an entry level job, was more safe. Even on a bad day on the street, for a couple of hours, the wages were better than two hours in a store.

I remember one time, taking some of my mother’s paintings to a street fair. I sold two of them. Two out of three is not bad. It was a risk. I remember feeling like I was doing something under the societal rules, yet could not see NOT doing it at the same time.

Two things are coming up within me in relation to these memories coming up. One is how much my own limitations, in terms of what structures I should move  as within my society to get things done, and how limiting such ideas about such things are, based on real experience. That thing, in the backs of the people that I sensed in the midst of other activities in my life, during childhood, as in a sense, myself seeing what was happening around me, as limited ideologies of should’s and should not’s compounding as a moral imagery within people, walking as personifications of such, creating firewalls of belief within them. A heavyness that lacks movement and settles within, separating awareness from real living movement, as those practical things one can do that are always here. It is only belief and a fear of things that limits.

In so many ways, people really do want to help other people. People also can become intensely jealous of others. I define jealousy as feeling lousy, because that person, for example, is performing out there on the street and they ( the jealous) are not. It is a kind of reflective exposure to one’s own lack. Some rejoice and enjoy, others draw back in shame. The resisting states of being, a fear of facing reality, the practical, the simple steps necessary to get things done. 

At the moment, I have a friend I met as an adult, with whom I had a ‘ falling out’ come back into my life. They are interested in something I am doing. They have run a large business and done extremely well, affording them freedom that most of us only wish for. They have had the best education many only dream of. Within all of this, I am meeting intense reactions within what I am doing,  that they have become interested in. There are times, I just watch, slow down and listen to a tirade- of which I feel I am not allowed to possess. Time frames in regard to such reactions, I have learned do not exist. My moments though small, are huge, yet within a math, this would be the outcome. The only math is their math- their belief system of what is proper. Some of it worth assessing, carefully, to clear things up. And just as we practice new formulas, to incorporate them to the point of using them without thinking about them, applying them directly, in a moment, such things take time. It is much like we have been told; walking through a valley of good’s and bad’s, biases created from learning things in a context away from practical realty- that place/space where we live and see and interact  directly, employing all of our senses- this being a more natural and fast way to learn. Memorizing things in separation from here, is slow, and a means of control. When we can start to realize this, we can change this world in probably less than a decade. That is how well we as human beings can absorb information, this inFORM being the physical reality around us.

I was told at some point to use my past, and I have not done this as much as I could. Using my past, has a point of shame for me, because I have learned that pride is a false promise. It was at a point where I had enough experience to realize that pride in itself, was a false promise ( forgetting that the means to the end is the joy). This point a moment where I made the choice to not take something as a point of gain, in terms of being more than another, as defining myself as that, I chose to forgo the bling of a trophy of more, and instead realize that the magic was in the doing, in living the means, where the goal was important as more a completion of developing understanding.  As a dveelopment of understanding sustained and self emwpoered one’s focus and thus, capacity here. That understanding one’s greatest asset- the gift that keeps on giving, and therefor benefitting everyone. 

Now that I am older, or have spent a greater number of years as a physical beingness on a physical planet. I notice how so many of my friends, and people near the same age as myself, are losing spatial skills to greater and greater degrees. This is that thing in the back, taking over. This is that limiting set of beliefs, informing the machine. This is those beliefs of ‘ more’ that limit practical actions. This is the mind con-sciousness within all of us, as an abdication of reality. one can sense this, in the loss of spatial ability. This is a loss of focus to what is real, the physical. It is a self that cannot move through the  eye-of-the-needle.  This is self in separation from self, and instead a construct of ideas, beliefs and opinions, an inner math of bias, moving as waves of energy through one, so consuming, one forgets to breath. It is visible. If a high school student can sense this, it is visible, it is knowable, and with refocus, it can be deconstructed and changed.  THis is what it means to ebcome a master of self. No one can do this for self, but self.

I notice this in my friend. They are losing skills they had. And yet, they understand on some level that something is out of whack.

What I notice about myself, is a fear of facing a limited morality, of doing the math, despite having practiced this, and moving with greater ease in relation to calling things out by name, by measure, and standing within that. It remains with a color of losing something, even though within focusing in reality, as the practical, and understanding what a more perfect practice builds, as a more direct seeing that has a quality of something powerful and eternal, I still feel that I am cycling within something. 

At the moment, the answer that I have for myself, is that building community is spreading awareness, and that practical tools to balance out that heavy thing in the backs of men, are here. If this were easy, and I looked for quick fixes, I would, in essence, never learn to play this instrument of life, that is me here. The means is the end. To face the storm, alone, means to do the math, to leave this earth, without leaving, as in, to stand within equality and oneness with what is best for all.  That is priceless, and it is a joy too, within the present system, give thanks in directing one’s labor to and towards what enables one to become clear within, to no longer fear ‘ doing things on-the-streets/ within-the-river-banks’ of life, called earth. The momentum has to be built and lived, moving the storms and rip-currents of belief into seeing, realizing and understanding that the physical is the means to the end as life, and that the value is being here, creating. I can, take the inflammation of bias, and ground it into the physical text of real living, where what is natural, as spatial skills, are grounded in reality, never to be lost and instead to improve with the number of years one has on this earth. A master of something showed me how great the gentle is and does, as it is this part of self, that, like water, can sense the smallest of things. Those smallest-of-things are the means to ensure that there is no accumulation of heavyness in the backs of men. 

Day 633 The point of pride, riding a desire to participate.

The point of pride, riding a desire to participate.

In writing some SF today, I noticed a point of pride. I have noticed this point of pride as an impetus to do something, but have not realized the distraction of even a small measure of this as how I direct myself in living here. 

Yet, there is was, some pride riding another desire to participate in living, like a statement within me as ‘ I can move, as participate within this’ or that activity. The thought of ‘ I can’ coupled with the the excitement of participating and feeling proud to do so. Such a subtle thing, but a distraction none the less, and not a self honest directive in assessing what is before me, and moving as what is best for all. That subtle desire motivating me, instead of common sense in the moment.

A desire to participate in life is a good, yet it is a natural thing, because of what I am as a physical state of being. As an idea, in and as my mind, I race forward as this, instead of just being here. And also, I can see, in what has been allowed as a collective social construct, our system is like a revolving door construct of survival, so venturing forth means taking a risk, and this means that that game of this is the only thing seen, making it more complex and scary than need be. If I remained grounded, here, would it appear as something that is a risk or something that is more a smoke and mirrors show, that can only direct me if I accept and allow it, as this earth and how this earth functions is all around me, the harm being done obvious, when one steps out of self interest, and respects all things, taking that which is good and does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to direct myself in and as  a gain, in and as a belief as a thought that “ I can participate.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to participate, meaning being a desire, instead of a directive principle in and as an impetus of doing what is best for all as a starting point, which is myself moving in common sense instead of as idea, belief and opinion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought “ I can participate”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become an excitement in and as an energy of “ I can participate.”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see the negative polarity within and as this as a judgement that I cannot somehow participate

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting  myself to become a belief in and as a thought, as an idea, based on a morality of good and bad, danger and safety, that I cannot or that I can participate.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to in tandem with this, become a energy of pride, in and as self aggrandizing myself as a belief, which is a judgement, within and as a belief of good, in and as a motivation as idea, that ‘ I can participate.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that I am acting in self interest as a starting point

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing wrong with participating in what is here, in and as simply being here, as the joy of being a physical state of being as life in expression as life information here.

When and as I find myself becoming excited, in and as wanting to participate, and as such being motivated as an energy of rushing, or jumping in, or watching for in entrance to participate, I stop, I breath, I slow myself down and I check myself within and as me, to become brutally honest with myself, to cross reference what I have allowed within, and what is around me without, to see, realize and understand that which would consider all things, taking that which is good and that which grounds me here, and I realize a movement that is one of ease, as in not based on idea, as an addition of rushing in, an action colored with pride, hidden in excitement, and I, after assessing myself as the world around me, then realize myself as life, as that which moves with ease, monitoring my breath, to ensure that I move as the directive principle of oneness and equality, as that which is good and does no harm, to stand equal and one with and as life here.

When and as I find myself missing my breath, especially when I am around a crowd or group, and sometimes even when I am alone, I stop, I slow down, I breath, until I am grounded, and I assess myself within and the world of life in expression as the physical information around me, and I ensure I am calm, at ease, my breath moving with ease, and I direct myself in brutal self honesty in and as joy, in and as an ease of respecting the physical as life, as myself, where nothing can be lost and all can be gained as this is a movement of myself, directing myself equal and one with and as what I am which is life.

Day 491 Walking the process of the pain into a lightness of being. DIP Journey to life.

Pains come up with becoming equal as in walking the journey to life, the journey back in equality and oneness to and with the physical. These pains appear suddenly, feeling like needles are ripping through the flesh of the physical body that we humans have ignored, separated ourselves from as we choose the limitations of belief, opinion and idea, as a mind consciousness system. This is why our bodies stiffen with age and we do not notice because we are living in our minds as projections of ideological belief. When we choose to realize that what exists as what we are and as what this allows on this earth, there is no other choice but to stop and look and change the present system on this earth. To do this, the one thing we all seem to avoid, which is self responsibility, is what is needed. It must be walked. The gift of life as the physical is what we must accept and become equal and one to. This is the only way to life. This means no blame and no spite can exist within as a movement of each of us. And no one can do this for us. We each must do this for ourselves. Ironically, this means accepting the gift of life, here.

So, I was “ going into” with all the concentration and focus I am able to be at present, a pain that appeared in my stomach area. Very small needle like burning. As I focused on this, suddenly it appeared as a unfolding of a clear fabric like substance, which then turned into like a glass platform, this huge triangular geometric shape opening at the end of this image, this form. Then an image, a memory. I was in middle school standing in the orchestra room, looking over at my ex-”best friend” sitting with her “ new group.” The emotion game like a puff of smoke and it moved into a projection as a personification of myself, like this was a part of the presence of me. What was behind this, in a way, was more of an awareness of the whole situation, where i could see that my ex-friend’s choice had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her own decisions. At the same time, I realized that I had been doing the same thing in many ways, gathering data of this human social construct and weighing and measuring what directions to take within it. And that everyone was doing this. This was like seeing many leaves move on a tree, like seeing all the interactions at once. Within this the realization that my friend had not “ rejected” me, she was as I, as all of us, looking for what would support our survival, what would make us “ more,” what would lead to what would hide our insecurities and/or increase what we believed had value.

Suddenly, what I had believed, was not the whole story. It was only a part, and that part was from my own sense of pride. As we mature as adults, we realize these things were mis takes. But unless we self forgive them, speaking this, the resonance of it does not suddenly disappear. 

The another pain came, this time in my foot, and it was myself, younger, standing at a ballet bar, in a leotard, raising my leg. And there it was, a thought, the thought was, “ I am special.” This was not so much directed at another, it was from a joy of the structure I was learning, but the thought was that ‘I” was special. Seemingly innocent but self centered. And yet, here as well, to see what else, as the good behind the limiting thought that existed, as this memory opened, but that one thought was done in self interest, and this was what was made huge and became a part of the personification of myself, as I see this, the presence of this is a part of what is projected as an entity of myself. One aspect made huge in a moment of self interest, where behind it is the life and the value. The self interest need not exist. and within this I suppose there is more layered within. It would make sense, why we have been told not to judge, because such moments of judgements are separations from what is the value, which is to realize that the value is life, in each breathe here, where there is no need for self interest as a more than. And in many ways, we are taught this within our society - which means what we are taught leads to our demise. I mean, I had heard said that many precocious children stop expanding as their early promise when the reach their mid twenties. Is it that the collective positive reinforcement becomes the reinforcement of limitation as self aggrandizement?

I could see where this one thought done with what would be considered an innocent pride could lead to eventually believing myself to have been hurt when my friend changed her game plan in middle school. My reaction was based on a feeling of pride. I clearly had no understanding of how I was composed, and yet, I did if I had simply made the choice to look at the whole context of how others moved around me. Instead I allowed my own emotional storm as a fear of loss consume me.

Now, after this another memory game, it was of myself standing in defiance, arms crossed. I was going to prove my worth, that I was more than the choice my friend had made. I ended up taking a route that in the end kept me very busy, and I never had to do with my ex-friend again. But my impetus was as a reaction, and based in self interest and insecurity as I had denied self awareness within common sense, i followed and reacted to ideas of loss instead. I directed from a starting point as an idea that ignored the behaviors of humans within the physical world around me. And, everyone was moving into ideas of what was more within such a limited context, everyone acting in self interest, a blindness to reality. All looking for definition and hiding emotional insecurities that existed because of the separation! That is just insane. it is true that we argue our own limitations. I believe that the boy in the story The Tin Drum screamed because he simply imitated the behaviors of men, the constant scream of limitation.

What desteni talks about we all know we are doing. We can see the memories that have accumulated, and the cries of them trying to show us our own limitation. They are layered, and they grow and spread through our physical bodies, tearing at our flesh, but we do not hear them, even as we age and become stiff, unable to flex our backs. Wanting to sleep as the weight of our separation bears down with each passing year.

With self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, just as Bernard Poolman revealed, as the separations are self forgiven, a lite-ness comes, a lessening of the burden of the judgements of the need to fear, of the need to vent. That initial spot on my stomach became lighter, of less weight. As I self forgive these memories I become lighter, more flexible. It is the most amazing feeling. It is an incredible relief.  So, you see, the choice of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application within walking the desteni I process is a gift to self of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself to believe that my friend had rejected me.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to look beyond my own limitations as judgements as mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look at my friend and with spite and blame become an accusation as a judgement that she hurt me in leaving me to become part of another group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel humiliated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior, in and as judging the the new group as being mature and sophisticated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior to this new group, because they were all turning into young women and I was not.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my friend was changing physiologically and wanted to be with others within the same experience, which I probably would have done as well given the values of the present accepted and allowed system as men on earth, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed my friend for rejecting me, and within this judging her group as stuck up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to others without seeing realizing and understanding changes and what is a good within and as wanting to explore new situations , even though within the limited platform accepted and allowed by men that ignores the development of self as life in common sense where there is really no choice but the choice of what is best for all, which means being aware of physical existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see to the whole as the movement of men as mind consciousness systems in separation and as such hiding accepted limitations as the consequence of lack of common sense and to see realize and understand that within this, this separation is unacceptable, but also to realize that i was the same and as this made judgements and reacted to this limitation instead of taking the time to look at the whole as this and to realize the only solution was to remain as myself in common sense which is myself being empathetic and realizing that there is no such thing as being rejected as I am here able to stand in common sense and realize that I as life  can either choose to move as what is best for all and allow myself as life to exist, or believe that the self interested actions of others define me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it was I who judged myself as being rejected, and within this it was myself who was in fact the one rejecting within and as separating myself from common sense, here.

When and as I find myself beginning to judge the actions of another, I stop and I breath and I walk in their shoes and realize that more than likely, within the present accepted and allowed system I would make the same choice, and even within this, to realize the choices of others does not define who and what I am as it is what I project onto others  that I allow to become a limited definition of what i experience in the absence of respecting myself as life.

When and as I find myself judging another for the choices they make I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that IN realizing with empathy and compassion, as in using my heart, myself as hearth, as earth I can slow myself down and realize in common sense the whole, and see, realize and understand I can choose judgement as hurt or I can stop and breath and use the ability of myself as heart to common sense the whole and place and move within and as what is best for all, which is myself as the lightness of being here, realizing that the value is being here, one and equal to life, giving as I would like to receive, and in this instance, realizing that my friend was simply choosing what fit the experiences she was walking in the moment and that right there before me an experience that lead to myself becoming more aware within a certain context.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea as a thought within and as me as pride, to be proud of myself for what i have achieved and within this to not have realized that what was the value was there behind the thought as the realization that it was the structure that as in self development as a physical being that was the value.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i was special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being equal and one in common sense of the whole and to accept a thought as myself as being special to become more than the actual physical context as an expression in and as life here.

When and as I find myself within and as a persona, as an entity life presence as pride, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself back into and as common sense as the heart of me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction as a belief that i need to prove my worth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe myself inferior to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then create a fantasy that I am superior to another and as this to criticize the action of another which is myself acting in protection and self defense based on a fear of loss and within this to believe that this defines me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to the choices of another within limited insight.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within the play-outs in middle school the experiences probably would not have changed, but within them myself as less reactive and more aware as what I was as how I was within being more aware of the whole as I was capable of as common sense.

Thus when and as I find myself reacting emotionally I stop and I breath and I check my thoughts and my judgements and I slow myself down and use my heart, myself as earth, as the physical and I see, realize and understand the whole in and as looking at the whole context of here which at the moment is men in separation within a system that is the consequence of separation into a knowledge of good and evil which is judgement as separation from common sense of the whole and thus as such lacking practical application within understanding and respecting the value being life here, thus, I slow myself down and choose what is best for all, here.

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