I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel ashamed that I did not have enough money in my life to buy really expensive presents for all my siblings and my children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as being less than within gift giving, and to make another more than myself according to what kinds of gifts were bought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make the value of money greater than myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to search out impressive finds in thrift stores and flea markets, to impress and thus turn myself into a more than as being thrifty and sophisticated and able to find things of supposed value instead of walking into the mall and buying some decorative item from a big name shop.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make comments about my older sister’s lack of gift giving and to have made myself seem more than, within myself giving to others and not only myself, as though I was more generous than my sister, which made my sister less than in her giving, as I judged her giving as being in self interest only, which in a way was more in the true spirit of consumerism, as I pretended to being good through gift giving.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become anxious pre-Christmas day in preparation of gift purchasing , where I had to face traffic and crowded stores and finding things for others, where the whole process seemed more of an ordeal than actual joy within and as giving, where I did not stop and look at what I was actually doing, as I agreed with what was presented by the present culture without questioning, or if I did question, I feared the repercussions should I not participate, thus I allowed the potentialjudgement of others to determine my actions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not seen realized and understood the undercurrent of despair and gloom I have felt these last days, during this season, as for years the same pressures were lived and thus within this I did not realize the resonance of the past present within and as my physical behavior, and the fears I was living, the anxiety as many past memories were coming up and all i could do was breath and try and remain stable without participating within and as this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood that in the last two weeks I have had thoughts about my dead husband and that second Christmas after his death, where I dragged myself through Christmas, I felt so heavy and sad, I could not figure out what Christmas was about, and felt like it was all some kind of a dream that made no sense to me, as it seemed there was some kind of hole, as though something was out of wack - so to speak, where even the lights in the rooms seemed heavy and weird to me, to the point where i remember thinking how am I going to make it through this?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how difficult it has been to read in these last days, where i have had to slow way down and read things very slowly, as though it is really hard to concentrate on things, on words, like they just seem to swim by and I cannot take them in, which is a lot like how I felt during the second Christmas after my husband’s death, where - now come to think of it- I actually have caught myself thinking of my husband a lot suddenly, of late.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I started to question everything, even within the university course I was in after my husband’s death, as I had decided when i was trying to help M, when I told him that he had to be himself, that after he died I stopped one day and said to myself that i had to be what i had told him he had to be, that I had to become this and I knew that this was going to be really fucking hard and that I had no idea how I was going to do this, and I suppose what is bothering me now is that I feel like I am failing in this, even though i also know I can’t do this for him, that I can only do this for myself, but when I said this to myself, I knew it was not going to be easy. to actually be myself- but it had to be shown and it seems too daunting at this moment, because i have not done what I said to myself I had to do, and this Christmas time, and this memory, is like how I felt, as what my physical self is and feels like now, like I walk in a world of molasses, like nothing makes any sense as I am allowing myself to become confused within a habit of non-looking, which causes confusion and thus a physical sensation of being stagnant and stuck.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become less than being myself here, in and as a belief that I am less than myself as life, as what i was saying to M was that he was less than life, even though I did say to him that he was gentle and that this was a strength, and that he had to prove nothing, and that his mother’s personality was such that it matched more with his brother but that this did not mean he was less than his brother.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I could see in some limited way what was happening within the relationships within M’s family, yet I did not understand the extent to which such things compounded resonantly, and thus even though in some “intellectual way” this could be somewhat understood the consequences of thought as self judgement were not realized, and that perhaps going to a mental health expert would have benefitted M, yet I did not trust psychiatry, as I grew up within the summer vacation land of the New York Jewish Psychiatrist, and all the children of these so called professionals were so messed up to the point where they had nasty behaviors of stuffing whole roles of toilet paper into a toilet, clogging the toilet, I mean really, which if looked at, perhaps such mental health experts were more productive with patients than family.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand within this experience of myself not having caught onto how I in these last days was existing as within and as past experiences as memory, of judgement within a belief in loss and aloneness, and sudden life change, that the grief I was within and as this, within not understanding what I am as a mind consciousness system, where energetic resonances of past grief in and as a belief of loss, remain within and as me, possessing me, as this is a past without understanding and equalizing to and as life, and thus this remains, where the whole christmas scenario triggers the past, specifically with an image of myself looking at a christmas tree, and the thoughts have come up in the last few days, which is how the mind works in tandem with accepted and allowed beliefs about life that are limited and unaware of the totality of of how the mind/physical relationship functions here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that “down or up” moods are energetic experiences of the past as mis-understanding of self as life, of self being equal and one to and as life, thus is self forgiveness and investigation of belief, opinion and idea necessary to lighten self of accumulated past experiences of limited insight which creates judgements ignorant of self as life, as this limited insight is what is propagated within the present profit based system of inequality, where what we are inwardly as manifested this existence of inequality to and as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood, as the weight of this seemed to creep up slowly, that I had an undercurrent of Christmases past, just like the story of Scrooge, where the Christmases past were catching up and creating consequences for the future unless Scrooge changed, made a change, where this is a story of the effects of behavior as belief in time, and yet it is a shame that this is not used within the context of all life, where what exists in earth as what exists within extreme lack and denial as what is needed as life, is not looked at and realized within all life, and not only placed into a story about one man, which is to say the story of Scrooge is the story of all on earth, of how all on earth has been treated, and thus does the human need to look at all consequences of actions of ignorance of what is the value as life, as all life here, and stop and start to support all life, or the consequences are one and the same as the potential of Scrooge/capitalism unless he changes his ways and realizes the value is life, thus are the answers here, and have always been here, it is only the possession and obsession within and as self interest within survival, as fear of death within ignoring the value being life that has caused a denial of the right to life, where denial of life to one thing on this earth is to deny self life, which means separation into an idea as being something greater than life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel sad that I had to have a Christmas alone without a husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed with emotion and feeling from a past of believing myself to be less than because i judged my Christmas Holiday as lacking meaning because I was alone, where it really seemed as though none of it made any sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize in detail the senselessness of Christmas, where I actually was having the same response i had when I stood in front of Mr, Jordace offering a teenage girl a bowl of coke to snort, where i became angry and emotional and had a scene in my head of wanting to smash that bowl of coke on that fancy glass table in that high-rise apartment, so, come to think of it, this is not too different within how i felt that second Christmas after the death of my husband, where the whole scene seemed a charade to me, and I was sad, yet I did not know how to put all this together, just as I did not quite know how to put it all together when an old rich industrialist was trying to buy a teenager with stimulating and addicting drugs.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt sad within and idea that Christmas would never be the same without my husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt physically heavy and sad around Christmas, with all the gift giving competition and judgement, within self interest and ego, to punish myself as having less value within and as the shocks as belief that another was somehow more than myself within what gifts were given.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand all these egotistical emotions within and as judging myself as less than and more than, within comparison and competition, as separation, creating friction and conflict within competing limited values maintaining ideas with self determination within self interest which fears change and transformation having based self on singular values rejecting self as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what was happening at Christmas after the death of my husband was similar to what i experienced within the modeling industry, where life was ignored in favor of ideas as personifications as image in separation from life.
When and as I find myself slowing down and physically becoming heavy where i find I have a hard time reading what is here, within words and behaviors of others, and the existential conditions as consequences seem non sensical, and I want to react in anger, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that I am participating within ignorance of life, and that within this I am allowing myself to become confused.
When and as I find myself no longer being able to move here, to read what is here, as I become more irritable and angry, which is fearful, I stop and I breath, and I realize i have accepted and allowed a behavior of not looking - a habit, of not seeing, as I fear being judged and punished, called names and criticized, thus within this I stop and I breath, and I realize that what is here is more of the same as the fear I am allowing and accepting as being an answer to this fear through the acceptance of ignorance within the behaviors of humanity as the celebratory occasions idolizing a positive alternate reality, creating some weird and warped imaginary submissive world to escape this actual physical world, be it a holiday celebration or an escape into sex.
When and as i find myself becoming lethargic and slow, meaning overwhelmed within and as my world , I stop and I breath and I look to what is physically real, as much as i am able, to realize the happy face existence is a band aid to cover the self hurt within separation from myself as life, here.
When and as I find myself becoming heavy within my movements as processing here, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that resonant memories of survival within family first/ before life and all the competitions existent within for attention/survival, creating friction and conflict , ignorance and supposed bliss in a here -after make believe world, I stop and i breath and I realize, see and understand that what i fear is being myself as life, here.
