Day 519 Cross Purposes - Journey to Life

I walked into a store today and noticed that I became what I call “ loopy” very much like I am “ vibrating within, which is myself losing focus here. I say this because I have this happen, especially when I read about finances and money. The twists and turns of how we are simply printing money and lending it with interest, makes no sense, like I cannot get a grasp on the lack of common sense of it. So, perhaps, I am looking for meaning and sense in something that really makes no sense. Somehow, this is what happens when I get loopy. I mean, does out paranormal existence make any sense? No.

I have been someone that asks questions, and sometimes this gets me into “ trouble”, which I would at present call “ upset.” By this I mean, upsetting a belief, because to ask a question that points out a discrepancy, is to upset a limitation. And then I react, because such pointing out of discrepancies within something that does not make sense, causes a reaction, and in answer to such a reaction I stumble. Like I have done something wrong.

Of course, sometimes I just miss something and ask a question that is myself having been ignorant and as such missed a detail. But there is a difference. One elicits a spiteful, impatient answer and the other is either simple as in “ You missed this.” or “ You idiot, read the damn material.” lol

At present, American Society has allowed a belief that one cannot upset another’s feelings and emotions. But, sometimes these emotions and feelings have no real substance in any form of common sense. I mean it is like being ignorant, and having an aspect pointed out, and the response is, “ But that is how I feel,” and this must be respected, despite it being ignorant.

So, I am in this store and I realize I am getting loopy. Why? Was I getting geared to be at cross purposes with myself, as in suppressing myself to fit into accepting  “feelings “ that were really ignorance to remain socially “ polite?” 

So, I slowed myself down, reminded myself of where I was, and thought about what I needed only and no more. I walked through the store telling myself I need only remain in common sense, and if, for example I wanted to stand and look at the butter and go through my head if I needed to get some more at the moment, and if this would be better to get today, instead of having to shop in three days then so be it. Standing there looking like I was not being the efficient New Yorker - for example, was not the point. So, all this loopyness was ideas about how I am supposed to be, and not myself being in common sense, stable, here. Also, to let go of any worries, because at that moment, I could only do what was necessary in front of me. So, I focused myself “ here.”

When I had gotten home, I started to read this book about money, and I noticed the same thing happening. I stopped and reread the opening paragraphs. Again, I realized I was confused  not because I did not understand the words, but becuase the words as describing the system made no sense, meaning the system makes no sense. And, somehow having to say the system makes no sense, is at cross purposes with what I believe it is that I am supposed to behave as, which is accepting what is, instead of pointing out what really makes no sense.

So, when I feel myself beginning to become what I call “ loopy” I stop and I breath and I realize the polarity of my cross purpose into a belief as a self definition based on  limited values in separation from common sense, and I breath, and I bring myself here in common sense of what is practical in a functional purpose in and as the physical, which is always here, moves at ease, and is stable and visible, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be at cross purposes with a common sense of here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate from here, a common sense of a functional reality of which enables the life that is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be at cross purposes with myself as life, in choosing limited values to define me, and to fear addressing limited values, shaming myself as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that there is no way out of existing in cross purpose of myself as life, as this was myself as a small child which is a past that is not what and who I am here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist within cross purposes as a polarity system of value judgements of good and bad, right and wrong, more than and less than, in separation from and of limitation from what is best for all as the functional purpose of what respects the expression of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become stubborn in the face of resisting limitations, and as such to begin to ignore common sense, and as such to shut down my own common sense, trapping myself within believing that there was no way out, and within this realizing that as a child, I was physically vulnerable due to my size and standing against many adults.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become at cross purposes with myself as life, to move towards reward to avoid punishment, and to be ashamed for having avoided punishment in self interest rejecting myself as life, and within this to realize this need not be myself here, as I am not my past as a child, I am here.

With in this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become self blame for allowing a cross purpose of myself as life, in and as choosing to avoid punishment where avoiding punishment was in itself a reward, and in so doing hating myself and being ashamed of myself for having abdicated myself as life, and as this hiding in shame and self pity , believing myself to be unworthy of life, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the only way out of punishment, was to become submissive, and within this to have a thought that I was trapped, and to realize that i was a child, and as this I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pity myself as such and not a means that leads to solution, here, within and as what is best for all, whether this is the past, or myself here, in this moment, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a thought that I am trapped.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that limitations accepted and allowed as my past define me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine that I am confined, locked in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to tighten up in my chest, to believe that in order to survive I must be at cross purposes with myself as life and that as this I must protect and defend myself within and as ensuring that I am not heard or seen as such.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am vulnerable, that I can be susceptible to emotional attack,  and as this, to stand within the principle of what is best for all, to see, realize and understand that a cross purpose of life cannot define me unless I accept and allow it, as i am life, here, and my past cannot define me, here.  

Self corrections to follow.

Day 494 Self forgiveness on a thought about my father as a child.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that stability, comfort, strength,  exists outside of myself as being that within my father, when he himself was a younger man, and myself as a very small child in a world where my parents were themselves a consequence of generations of separation into and as a hierarchical form of division via separation from common sense into and as limited values that define self from a starting point of building a personification of experiences that define the value of self, instead of learning from the get go, to direct self as common sense, that starting point of ability so prevalent in young children who have the ability to learn rapidly.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not want to slow down, breath, and look at this in common sense, for fear of loss of a belief of self, and for fear of realizing that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the reverse of myself as life in full capacity and that the gift of this was always right there in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the weight of fear as this, that began in childhood, where if I look, I can see realize and understand that the period where there were so called - buggy men under the bed - it was really myself projecting the bad away from myself, as myself rejecting parts of myself to take on a value to define myself in accord with a system that in total is a separation from myself as life which is the outward manifestation of what I have accepted and allowed within myself.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is myself as my human physical body that is the instrument as mind  that is projecting those fears outside of myself, through stories of good and bad, inner picture shows that can be traced back to self as the source and the occupation of separation away from self as common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I slow down, I can see, realize and understand that this is a movement within and as myself, that has a weight of heaviness and “ slime” within where self is so in separation from self as a physical being, and so consumed by the mind consciousness imagery that facing the pain within the physical as the value judgements projected outward self has no awareness of because self as life is so busy watching the reverse of life as comparison within good and bad, thus, as one becomes aware of self within the physical body, one eventually must face the fear that is the source of the separation, and this fear appears so huge, when it is not, which I must remind myself of, and slow myself down and breath.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being myself as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to stand equal and one to and as fear here, within and without, to see, realize and understand that this is the only way, into equality and oneness in and as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to understand the mechanisms of my separation into and as fear, as in common sense, the physical world is mechanistic and as such can be read by that which is it created from, which is self as common sense, really the perfect design of life, in all common sense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that resistance to this would be the course of resisting a habit.

When and as I find myself having any movement within and as me, as a constriction, as myself reacting to here, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand the thought as the starting point and the values of separation into a good and a bad, and I stop and I breath, and I bring this back to self here, and I stabilize within and as myself and realize what is actually physically here in a physical world that is understandable in form and function as a mechanism as a gift to be equal and one to and as life, here.

When and as I find myself  resisting here, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I look to what I have thought within, as what i have accepted and allowed, that is myself fearing to ear/hear here, and I see, realize and understand where I have placed blame and spite outside of myself  and not walked in equality and oneness in each moment, here.

When and as I find myself beginning to breath with out ease, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down and I allow the fear that i have accepted and allowed, and I stand equal and one to and as this, and I do not allow the back chat  to be the directive of myself here, and as I stand equal and one to this that I have accepted and allowed, I see, realize and understand that this is an accumulation of a past as a behavior that was not myself in equality and oneness to and as life, and as I face this, within and without, I slow down and I walk in thought word and deed, the principle of what is best for all, as what is best for self is what is best for all here, and if and when, I am uncertain, I stop and realize that it means to simply investigate solutions as this is a process of the journey to life, to stop participation within and as a mind consciousness in separation from life, and to become the gift of life in common sense as what is best for all, which has never been done,  and yet, the discovery is the gift of life, the only  choice, here.

Day 444 Indolent imagination

I looked at the word ”indolent” today, and when I looked passed the present meaning to the latin root it hit a chord in me, one of fear, meaning where I to not pull myself together and stand. "In" means “not” and “dolere”  means “ suffer or give pain” So, to be idle is the choice to not “ suffer or give pain.” 

In a system of inequality, as what presently exists, with resource value transferred to money and then handed out based on values that ignore physical reality, a crime against life, especially in a system of growing automation and a physical world of freely given resources that have been developed by many many generations of men, and that same system that has practices that are barbaric in no longer being known to be supportive or sustainable, that have become an elephant in the room that no one dares stand against because in myopic self interest and the indolence of entertainment as television and media all any human point can think of is fearing to lose their money, their paycheck. Even when the practices used are not what is best, that paycheck is more important than the practice. When it must be realized that the way money is used must change, it is not money that is evil, it is how money moves that is evil. I mean, I looked at coal extraction from federal lands, the royalties are a difference of millions to billions in terms of what the sales are of coal, and, by the way, the coal extraction in 2012 jumped a lot. Interesting that we have coal, we allow private companies to sell it abroad and the amount in royalty is minuscule in comparison to sales. Oh, but we are pushing tar sane extraction and pipes that spill. This all seems that the resources of our land are for the profit of a few, even when they are supposedly “ federal lands.” Looks like Congress is being paid in all manner of ways not only despite shut downs, but also despite those unable to feed themselves properly because the minimum wage is not a living wage. Congress is doing business as usual, but then so are we if we prefer paychecks before standing up and changing the system. Are we no different. Would you take advantage of indolent people if you could, for money? You would. The problem is that there are children in this country that lack in so many ways and this is unacceptable.

The CON-sequences we are allowing collectively are going to come home to us, Then it will be too late to do something. The drones will be overhead. I mean, they are to protect those who live in “ white houses” big ones. You are the competition. Collectively, we have to wake up. In this system of not wanting to “ hurt someone’s feelings” we are causing suffering. Feelings are where we are idle. 

Myself, I realize I am the same, I don’t want to face speaking up about how the mind works. I want to be nice about it. There really is no “ nice” about it, a cup is a cup. Being straight about something is being focused, looking at physical consequence. It is like facing someone who is hiding, and has hidden their head in the sand for a very long time, so much so that a real tangible form is unbearable in its intensity compared to the substance-less pictures of the mind. I mean, is this not the problem with porn for eample. The pictures ignite the body chemistry, so when real physical intimacy happens it is a let down because it is not that addicted to"quick fix". Unfortunately, that chemical dopamine fix is not self living in full potential. I guess Congress has you right where they want you. Congress is like a collection of spiders weaving a web, and we are all caught in its net.

Back to myself, again.

When I am in front of a person actually talking, I begin to move and use common sense. But, when I THINK about doing this, I falter, I become idle, indolent. I imagine causing upset. Then I begin to look like that ostrich with my head in the sand.

Self forgiveness thought.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am going to cause harm if I stand up and be direct about how the mind works.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear upsetting another's feelings and emotions, thoughts, beliefs and opinions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I might upset someone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I have a thought that I might upset another, I am existing in and as my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that having another look outside of the mind into realizing how the mind functions is going to " hurt" them and make them suffer, when all that is going to suffer is the state of ignorance accepted and allowed,  and that, within this, the physical is able to be understood so all one need do is speak up in common sense of what physically exists here on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe  as an idea in and as my mind that in speaking and communicating about the actual physical world can cause harm to another.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand in the moment that when I get this heavy feeling surrounding my head and shoulders that I am becoming a protection and defense in fear of upsetting another instead of remaining in and as breath and using myself common sense, which means  remaining within the script of physical reality.

When and as I find myself going into a thought that i am going to cause harm within saying a " cup is a cup" I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I place myself here.

When and as I have the thought that I am going to cause harm should i speak up about the physical world, in common sense of form and function, I stop and I breath, and I do not allow myself to imagine a future as this is what this is doing in fact, based on past experiences where I have judged myself to have failed because in facing feelings and speaking up, the horse taken to the water did not want to drink, And within this I blamed myself, which is myself as blame in separation from common sense.

When and as I become the thought of causing harm, based on an idea of politeness before naming a thing for what it is, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I see realize and understand that even had I not been clear, I can always breath, slow down look at what i have said and forgive any and all indolence in standing up in common sense of a physical world that functions in practical ways able to be understood as life would give understanding absolutely, otherwise life could not exist.

Day 164 In worry I begin to rush and lose my breath

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn the spending of money into a fear, where I participate within and as a fear, avoiding making decisions and getting things done, as in not facing what is here, where usually the situation is not as dire, especially if I use my common sense and figure out solutions to get what needs be done.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not fucking get on top of this fear, to face this and realize that it is that which clogs myself within common sense, and yes, the present system does not support life, and care must be walked without excessive waste, but the fear and gloom is not that which will solve any thing within my environment.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see whatever the outcome is within money spending and to not allow this to affect me, as this is not who I am as life, this is a system accepted and allowed by all humans, that is the cause of diminishment as life, where the only solution is to change this system to a system that supports life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to slow down and to breath, to see, realize and understand in common sense what is going on as what is accepted and allowed on earth, as there are soldiers who are standing up as they realize they are the poor being sent to other continents to kill the poor, so that a few can own resources, thus do those that have more, see everything here on earth as a resource at their disposal, which is an ignorance of life, an ignorance that the value is life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to speak up when I hear the words, “I do the best I can,” or “I make the best of it, and avoid drama,” as these words reveal ignorance, as the supposed “best” is accepting and allowing a self interested best within a system of inequality, making it clear that the present system is not acceptable, thus this awareness through relatives of what best is, within statements spoken - that perpetuate less than standards- is an admission that what exists as the present system is abusive and unacceptable, thus being positive, believing one is being positive, is actually crying about the state of this world, because if this world were an expression of life , as life as the value, then there would be no need to be positive and make relative statements, as all would be absolute, thus the only solutions are those that absolutely support life, and they are here, as this is life.
I forgive myself for fearing something costing more than I can afford within my present situation, and allowing myself to feel something is impossible.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand, that I see, within and as breath, as I have been breathing when I play the violin more, and this has somehow opened playing up where it is actually easier to see all of myself as in sensing my arms - for example, and this has taken time and an effort to actually breath, and if I take this to every moment, as here, I see, realize and understand that even within and as speaking in what might be assumed as an ordinary manner, that when and as I speak, I am not speaking in a way that really wants to be heard! How fucking incredible is that?, anyway, I see, realize and understand that even within speaking I am not here LOOKING at what I am actually being here, it is more like I am hiding in and as myself, and there is this HUGE thing of fear in actually being self responsible, which means the human is not being, using, allowing , accepting self as life here, that the human is accepting self diminishment and not allowing self responsibility as life here, which means I have a lot of breathing to relearn, to become, to be and use and sense what is here with and as. This whole “holding of self” in limitation is taking a lot of suppressive work on each and everyone’s part.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that basically I am allowing myself to asphyxiate within and as myself here as life, to cater to presentations that maintain and hold a system that suppresses life, I am the cause of all disease as suppression through and as the withholding of myself as life as breath here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am in fact not breathing.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I am in fact not breathing because of fear of death, fear of loss, and this fear is held in place through a system of inequality, known as a profit based system that functions in limited self interest, as all those benefitting from this system are in fact not benefitting as they end up as the same death as everyone, never transcending death in awareness, and thus are not one and equal, in and as breath, with and as life, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I as life must breath, in every moment, realizing that fear is the very thing I have accepted as more than breath, and thus I become fear instead of common sense with and as this physical world in and as and through breath, I am not in fact being here as myself, directing myself, sensing myself as life ability.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the world tells me this, as I have walked into pharmacies and what is on the front shelf behind the counter but inhalers for asthmatic conditions, easily accessible, thus what we sell is to alleviate what is the problem, which is that we, the human, are not one and equal in and as what is life, communication with and as life, here , the breath as self.
I forgive myself for not using breath in every moment to stand and become one and equal to and as breath to allow myself to utilize common sense and hear what is here.
Thus, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow myself to fear, as fear will do nothing but suppress myself as life to face what is actually here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I must rush, and push myself, to get ahead, where it is as though I was taught I needed to “get ahead” and within this “getting ahead” it was actually not really clear as to what getting ahead meant, as there was no real substantive direction in getting ahead, and no support within common sense towards getting ahead, as this system of inequality demands support within what serves a fear, and thus does not offer common sense in getting ahead, where this would mean actually becoming life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I accepted this idea of getting ahead as a directive and abdicated my own self responsibility towards life.
I have this memory of being a teenager transitioning from high school to college, and this idea of needing to get ahead, as what was needed as me at that time, and within this an emerging anxiousness. Thus I will walk this through the thought, imagination, back chat and reactions, as this sense of needing to get things done, now, and a desire to rush through this, as though getting something done is significant, yet this separates me from here, as I become possessed by this fuzzy idea of getting something done and not actually directing myself here.

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