Day 477 The muddy waters of the impulses of consumerism.

I notice this “ mud” as I want to call it, coming up/coming down when I am around people. I try to avoid it through talking, and then I become excited about talking which can appear calm in many ways because over time I have learned to dampen this as this is accepted social behavior, but it is really a suppression of a desire, and the desire is to hide the underlying emotions, that are a series of judgements based on past events, that, in themselves have nothing to do with practical reality.

Because I am walking the desteni I process, I have taken the time, and used the tools of self forgiveness, writing and practical application to realize what i am accepting and allowing inwardly that is slowing me down and limiting me as behaviors that separate me from being here and enjoying life simply.

The self judgements that are this “ mud” are insidious, they are myself comparing myself to a set of limited values that we can all realize, as these values are what is impulsed all around us by a world system that is in itself of limited values to control existence as a belief that men are greater than existence in total and that within this some men are more than others, this being this actual real physical world, hiding that which is real right in front of us, veiling this in the same manner within as is used without; touting directives that suggest survival within this hierarchy where if one follows the limited values one can end up accumulating money and thus sit on top or one can end up on the bottom and fall off all together. Of course there is only so much room on top, so it is inevitable that many will fall. And it has nothing to do with how hard one works, it has to do with how hard one lies directly or indirectly by omission. Lying is ignoring reality. 

My value judgements are where I have accepted and allowed the limited values of this system, they are me comparing myself to limitation that is used to control. They are where I abdicated myself in common sense of life, the physical. They are my veil of separation, and they are the voices and pictures cluttered with limited values, the are vile. They are heavy, they are blinding, they lack insight, they lack depth perception. They create a bubble of pictures around me that, over time, become hidden, as the conscious mind morphs them into symbols of supposed “ good” and as this hide the bad. They are myself when I converse to validate, when that rush to tell my story comes up with a sense of anxiousness to protect others seeing my belief in myself as perhaps lacking in something. This can occupy myself so much that I no longer see my own constraints as belief, opinions and ideas that measure myself to a limited value system. They are myself bearing no real witness to life. They are myself forgetting within survival instead of being forgiving as myself as life, equal to physical reality, that which carries all of this imagined mental construct.

Just before my husband committed suicide, I started to see some things that I questioned around him. I could see one day, like a film around him, where the edges popped like the surface of soda pop. I also could see this anxiety, this subtle shaking as him, and I see this in other men too. This is the bubble of energy that is the mud of separation from being equal and one to physical existence, this is the accumulation of obeisance to a lesser god of hierarchy, and it uses the same tactics and techniques as the consumerist/corporate/economic system determining our lives around us; the media, our education system, our health system, all of it. Even the colors in the screen/surface of the bubble are the same slight blue tinge as our television and electrical lights. As within, so without. Yet so blinding is this energy when followed the real life in the shadows that is considered the “ bad” is what is real, thus life is in reverse. 

We need only realize the amount of abuse and destruction via pollution and starvation, via lack of human development - all development, to realize that we are not in fact taking care of life, and as such not being life. It is the physical world that is what is real. As such the anecdotal is considered circumstantial, and data diluted with a means, is considered real, and meanwhile the abuse on the ground is all around us denied by oversight committees wanting to push the decision onto another committee because the truth be told would end their salaries. 

In a profit based system, cures/solutions do not maintain dividend - the divided end; together we stand divided we fall. I mean, of course the next step is to hide data, because the numbers used simply do not add up. Ironically, with computers it can all be made visible. Digital money can reveal exactly how money moves. And programs are easy to download. Everything is moving faster too bad it was not the human within themselves. And yet, this is still the human not standing up, so it will not work, because we, each of us must in the end, stand for life. Our computers can be used to really see what is going on, this will mean standing up. What is here is to support life, and what has been created can be used to correct the inequality to life that exists. Make no mistake about it, as long as poverty exists, life does not. Equality is the way out. The only way, Becoming equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 401 The bubble of association to disassociate from life

The bubble of association to disassociate self responsibility as reality, hiding in limited values, comparing through singularities/parts. The game of separation into the paranoia of an unknown. 

Perspective of survival system of inequality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within a system of lack the blame is then placed on what is suppressed in a system where lack is structurally built in, and thus I blame those in lack for behavior created systemically, which is a form of insanity, and action of cognitive dissonance as it blames the bad and places it onto an object allowing self to have a feel good, superior attitude which in essence is an act lacking responsibility as this in no way addresses or looks at the very form and function of a system of inequality as a funnel, as a pyramid where money signifying resources that sustain life is used to feed greed, an idea of one thing being more than another, a disease that will grow and grow until it is blatantly obvious and right in front of us and then it will be too late.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how I have hidden in limited associations, creating a storm in a teacup, where I allow this to be made huge to hide the fact that I am not looking here at life, at this physical world and how this world functions as a physical world, because I fear losing an idea as to what I am, and thus within allowing this, the accumulation and directive of myself as this has become the without as a system of limited ideas made bigger than what is real, which is this actual physical world, even to the point of manifesting a false reality of lesser dimension, know as heaven, which is why Christ said heaven must be brought to earth for life to begin. I/we have been had, and I/we all consented to this, thus I/we are to blame, I am to blame for not seeing realizing and understanding that self interest was in ignorance of life, and for this I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to avoid looking here, through creating a dissonance as a part only, making this huge, warping myself into a limited view of reality, so as to not face looking here, standing up and speaking with integrity as to what is happening despite the reactive behaviors of others as they must look at their own separation from here, and as this, the idea must “ die down” and equalize itself in common sense to reality, thus will all be lost and everything gained, a much better step to take than the destructive behaviors of greed as war, as grabbing in self interest, which means all those in the west, who have the time to read this, as where is the money coming from? where is that pension money coming from? what investments were made by local municipalities in order to ensure that pension? FOr this ignorance of not looking at the system in totality, I forgive myself and thus I have no one to blame but myself for fearing to stand in self trust within what is best for all, absolutely.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when I complain about something it is to stop and to look at this complaint where something is made bad, so that I can feel superior and create a drama of ideas about tiny things to justify what makes me feel good based on more limited perspectives that suit a morality system of profit, all done within limited perspectives, a smoke screen to avoid here, and hide an agenda of either lack of self awareness as myself not wanting to give up ideas, and or beliefs that justify some having more than others.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in wanting to be understood, I separate from here in common sense into and as blame and a belief that there is something missing within myself where I start a journey of perpetual  separation searching for that something I believe to be missing.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe there is something missing, where was is missing is standing up within and as what is best for all, what considers all life, realizes all life as this physical world as being the value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I become “ loopy” as I read words, it is because I am so used to moving as limited associations as what I use to validate myself that to change within and as myself, as changing the tune of myself to include more than limited perspective as what i was taught and as what i accepted and allowed, mean that changing what is the energetic sonar of myself as my GPS, will go through a realignment which will appear as a death, but in fact is simply a letting go of limited insight to include a greater perspective, and to realize within this that the greater as the longer the dissonance has been accepted and allowed the greater the consistent gentleness needed to settle the separation back into and as understanding this physical world and the system of separation that uses the tool of money to funnel the values created by the many hands of men to a few, all based on ideas of one thing being more than another, ideas that support ideology of limited perspective which is a separation from life, this in which I participated and allowed myself to measure my value based on a system of limited values, thus dividing myself from myself as life, which means separating myself from sounding what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing this storm of separation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing this storm of separation within.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing this storm of separation without.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how my words are supporting limited ideologies taught from birth by parents who are aligned to a system of inequality, a system of survival, a scheme that is a parasite on earth, a paranoise, as a paranoia of being self as life here, which we all know we are accepting and allowing, thus there is no excuse for our ignorance.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the only choice is to stand and face the storm of separation.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the only choice is to stand and face the storm of separation known as energy, the lesser substance of self as life, manifest as thought, emotions and feelings, desires, wants and needs that are as what is touted on earth, via media and a morality in association to a scheme of inequality, a crime against life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the extent of polarization I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as as mind, myself existing as limited associations that are inservice, in occupation with a system of division into more than and less than limited values as a whole, in separation from the facts of how the physical functions, in total a rejection of life, and thus a reverse of life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in not facing the storm of separation I am only acting in protection and defense of my own self accepted and allowed and constructed limited value system to cater to the limited associations utilized to support a collectively accepting and allowed limited value system of more than and less than that is in reality comparing degrees of lack and support within an already limited value system, where the systemic division in varying degrees of lack  place the consequence onto the object without any reference to why an extreme of lack exists, where self beliefs self to be superior not seeing realizing and understand the divisions of more than and less than are the cause of the degrees of lack, and within this to not see realize and understand  this division of space is a song of inequality, that has physically manifested causing massive abuse on earth for which we are each allowing and accepting in holding on to ideas of superiority and inferiority based on limited ideas/values made bigger than life itself, this which started from within each of us.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what began within, now manifested as a system without, is a starting point in and as a belief of a more than and a less than in separation from equality and oneness as substance as life, thus does the ghost of separation, as a state of judgement, a state of unknowing, come back in the form of our own self created holy ghost, a mind consciousness system that shows us, right in front of our eyes, the way and means of our separation from life, this I deconstruct to bring myself back, equal and one to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting  myself to become reactive to disassociation within as spiteful blaming back chat in protection and defense as a fear of lose based on a desire win thereby becoming a belief that I have made a mistake, and then judging myself as being unworthy, which is all a process of separation/division into more than and less than beliefs, instead of standing here within and as the principle of what is best for all, within directing this world into and as equality and oneness where heaven becomes earth and the life as the physical is supported as the value absolutely.

To be continued.

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Related articles

• Day 400 Perspective: Self Forgiveness
• Paranoia of the Unknown: Smoke and Mirrors
• Day 385 Self forgiveness on the para noise of my mind

Day 339 Bring RIght Back to the Principle of Equality

What is this burning in my thighs? It is a moralistic righteousness. A possession as a sate of being in and as energy where I blame and spite, point the finger and become a “ want of justice”. None of this directs me here, moves me within practical solution here, it is like a Negation of one, a “non-one” as myself within being one with here, as realizingequality to here, as the movement of myself in expression here.
It is like the focus of myself within is limited, following venues, avenues taught, clinging to ideas lacking physical perspective/perception, missing movement and seeing a fixed state/statue based on self interest - this that is of fear of loss/doom and gloom- in a belief of powerlessness. This spiced up with quilt in not doing anything, a belief of being the lie of myself as what I am, rejecting the thing as me that moves that flows that forms and can change and direct, this that can remember in consideration of all life, holding a principle of what is best for all, to realign back into and as life, as what I am, clear and constant within this.

It is to forgive a fixation on what is “ right” within a system of limited values used to maintain a loss of self as life into a “constant” state of survival, a constant state of terror, as this is what a constant state of survival exists as, as it is a state of seeking and fear, it is a state of instability as the nature of what it creates. And I have accepted and allowed this within as myself, rejecting myself as an instrument of the sound and substance of life here, becoming the director of this gift as what I am, as life, as the principle of “ what is best for all” even though this wall on the wall in elementary school, a slogan placed on the wall, the truth right in front of me, where I did not stop and look at what supported this slogan, a wall, of bricks - more than likely- blocking the view of the physical earth, this earth right there, that which within interaction was the way and the means to practically, physically apply the principle of “ give as you would like to receive”, all of this a structure of elements not good or bad, but simply placed into a structure that is limiting, and thus has manifested a system that has not developed an earth where all life is constant as an expression of life, with ease, each part equal and yet one, being what is best for self, as what is best for all, the two self sustaining and constant as equality with life.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame and spite, to not see, realize and understand that if I slow down and look at the parts as myself, I will see realize and understand that it is the formation of me, as me within that is in separation from myself as life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not allow myself as life, to equalize with practical common sense of this physical world, and the needs of what is here as this physical world, considering what are the needs of myself as a physical body, in all simplicity and that this is what is needed for all, and stop and look at my own values I will see realize and understand that what directs me are values similar to what is sold and product developing as the ideas of the consumerist world, are what I believe will change me into what will enable attention and accolade, survival and social recognition, where i exist within a bubble of limited values that I then enter social scenarios with, and seek validation to see if I have correctly measured myself within the norm, where If I stop and I look this whole process means that I am my own creator and director and that I can take this same practice and align myself within and as what is best for all and consider all life, as what is here on earth equal and one to and as me, as being of the same substance.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I begin to moralize I must stop and look at how I am being what was taught, accept this and realign this within the principle of what is best for all, which means I must investigate beyond what I was taught, and see, realize and understand that my awareness was limited to include only certain values, and not extend itself as me, to how the present systems such as banking and government, politics and education, health and agriculture are in fact functioning on this earth, where one effects the other, and this within a system of profit in self interest as the terror of survival creates all of which is a separation from life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am right, to exist as a singular thought as myself as being “ right”, to become a state of righteousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a comparison machine, of values, not seeing realizing and understanding that this is being competition within survival as what has been taught, and not myself in common sense here, this is not myself realizing how I have become a walking belief that one thing is more than another, and/or that one thing should be done over another, to here stop and realize that how here works has to always consider the whole, be aware of the whole, to understand what is best for all, directly with the physical world in order to direct within and as what is best for all here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how often I go into idea as mind only, and separate myself from life in this process.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how this is in one way a taught anger, an angle - an angel of doom and gloom as outcome- within a bubble of belief as righteousness, and for this I forgive myself back into and as myself as a physical being, here, slow myself down, and breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a superstition of what is right and what is wrong, the parts not good or bad, but “ lego-ed” together in what supports in self interest within a system of survival, as mind as consciousness, in separation from physical equality and oneness, which means including the actual physical world as reference with every breath with every step, to align in equality and oneness practically, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my righteousness is a behavior of limited fixation onto limited parts, and the idea, image created becomes the directive as image in and as my mind, as consciousness, and thus a smoke screen allowing directives that allow behaviors of self interest in a bubble in and as the images in and as my mind, and not myself equal and one, with and as the physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the way out of this limited, design consciousness is to forgive the limitations and bring all of this back to self,, to realize the mind is life in a bubble in separation from here, from the physical, where myself as a human organic “ machine” of sorts has created an imaginary world around me as a bubble of energy, as a reflection of how i have accepted and allowed separation from equality and oneness to what is real as this physical world, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have behaviors of self blame, of self regret within and as realizing I had not realized what I am in totality here, where i cannot blame anyone as this is more of the same that created this in the first place, and that this has been going on for a very very long time, eons of time, thus to blame my parents, or the government, or the bankers, or my teachers etc. etc. etc. is not only not a solution in and as blame, but also not being and becoming what is myself as life, directing myself as life, realizing the physical is what allows equal and one being as what I am in equality to and as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am justified in being angry, as this anger is righteousness, and thus myself not facing my own shame for not having directed myself here as life, for allowing myself to judge myself as less than, as somehow negative as in not fitting in here, not seeing realizing and understanding how i was behaviors of comparison within limited means, and actions of competition to gain ascendency within the illusion as mind, a superstition placed onto reality, here, which I accepted and allowed as I became the present system for which I forgive myself and stand within and as realizing this system must be reformed through what has been developed, surrounded by many who have not realized how much they exist in separation as mind, from what is real, as this physical world, where if they knew what they were doing , they would stop immediately, and that it is a process to realize how as consciousness one walks in illusion, in separation from reality, from here, where all will be lost as mind only, and many of the values will remain, thus the change need not be as deathly as the mind appears to react as, as this is just the ideas as mind reacting in and as superstition as image in mind not wanting to lose in intensity, diminish in intensity, as this has been directing as a beacon of seeing light for so long, and the human physical body is acclimated to this to such a degree - even within its slow ( and sometimes fast) diminishment) that it appears as mind that this is all there is, this that leads to death, and thus is far away from birthing myself / self into being equal and one to and as the physical here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this being of myself as a moralistic righteousness is triggered by a shock of focusing away from here suddenly to and towards serving an idea wanting validation and reacting as protection and defense and then becoming indignant, justifying the disruption, as in a way this focus was in self interest as itself having no understanding of here in totality.

Day 61 The reoccurring child within

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see an overview of how I have constructed my self to fit into this world, where many of my behaviors are built on reactions to this world as I was growing up within this world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that when I was very little I clung to my father when I was fearful, and thus when I as an adult am fearful I begin to want to have a man to comfort me in my fear, as this is what I did as a very small child.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become the rejected princess, that very same child, who then reacted with indignation and anger at this rejection as another sister came into the world and became the princess, thus did I lose my princess status.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have rejected the wishes of my father when I became older because I was angry that what he wanted was to “show off” to his friends, and thus I refused to do what he asked.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that, like the stories I entertained myself with over and over again, the story of Jane Eyre and the story of Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice, I am perpetually being the rejected princess hoping for salvation within the norms as the roles of a woman within this system.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I am torn between that which affected my mother’s generation, where woman were supposed to stand up and become Wonder Woman, and take on the world, thus do I move from one to the other and end up wanting to drive myself as my self forward and the wonder woman, and when I become firghtened and stressed, I am once again the little girl wanting comfort from my father, as he was the one that comforted me as a child.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that with my mother what I did was sit and listen to her worry and self pity, thus do I have this persona within and as me, a persona of worry and self pit. as I , a human, imitate the behaviors of those I am exposed to as a child.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that I have a pattern of behavior here within all of this, where I go from wanting comfort within feelings of anxiety and fear, and then I move into spite as wanting to be independent, and then when none of this works as I expect, I go into worry and self pity, and this spins around within and as me, this “string” of behaviors, that go no where and are myself existing within an emotional bubble, where all of us have this if we choose to stop and look.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that existing within this drama/behavior/emotional conditioning I am existing within limited resonant emotions and feelings as what I allow myself to exist as.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to immediately forgive this with each breath and bring myself back to what is physically here, as what is physically here is what is real, and had I learned to direct myself here as this realization that what is physically here is what is real, and had I grown up within a system that supports this physical existence, instead of the rape and greed to control and own this physical world that presently exists - that creates so much fear of survival - this whole dramatic imbedded behavior that I have experienced and carried with me, need not exist, and is what stops what is able to be developed as the human, capable of developing an expressive ability one and equal to the ability of the human physical body in full utilitarian capacity.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that the system that exists on this earth does not allow for the development of the human to its full capacity, and that in common sense there is no excuse for this.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize how I have become the behaviors of fear that are the reflection of a profit/greed based system that, just as with myself, is incredibly abusive and unacceptable and must be realigned to support life, as this earth is being destroyed and too many humans are starving, animals and humans are experiencing starvation and disease, when there is no excuse for this to exist.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see how I as the persona of what I am is constructed, to not stop and stand back and become aware of the patterns of my behavior, where should I do this, it will become very obvious that I am but a refraction in and as my behavior endlessly repeating itself again and again and again, and thus do I build my bubble around myself and diminish within my own self created stew of emotion and feeling that separates me from what is real, this physical world.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this present system of profit actually cultivates this stew of emotion and feeling that becomes the consuming bubble of my own acceptances and allowances, that diminishes me into a shriveled up white haired, sagging skin, aged human dying a death of no actual transcendence of death.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that many of the behaviors of children are simply a lack of ability to focus themselves here within actual reality one and equal to this physical world, where the separations cause reading problems and disease, evident in all the psychological labels created to define the lack of ability in our children to  self direct as human behavior is becoming extreme in outplay of accepted and allowed separations.

I commit myself to realizing the patterns of my behavior, through realizing how I exist as personality, through the words I cry/speak as I interact with this world.

I commit myself to realizing that many of my responses to people I meet as I interact within this physical world are of fear, and are what I hide, as the hiding of myself as life takes constant voice to maintain the walls of what I hide, and thus is what I am as the behavior I exhibit, actually exposing what i fear, making what i am very obvious.

I commit myself to realizing the the behaviors I exist as are the same as what is accepted and allowed by the human, as the very images and projections of advertising and consumerism, that are broadcast on television screen/ media and the story as behavior reoccurring in every family circle on this earth that are what is taught and are what the human becomes that is an imposition and separation into partial existing away from and thus non-including what is real, this physical world.

I commit myself to writing, self forgiveness, and corrective application to bring myself self equal and one to my physical human body, and to support an Equal Money System to realize the value of life and to stop the separation into and as limited consuming behaviors.

Equal Money

Life Reviews - Do you see yourself?

Desteni