We can ONLY ever be here.
I took a train to Italy, an overnight train. My husband and I had a sleeping compartment.
We were robbed. We later found out that the train conductors sprayed a gas under the door to put the passengers to sleep, and then go in and take money from pockets and bags. And yes the next day we found all our money gone.
But, I remember someone being there, remember in total desperation trying to move my body. I could not move it. It was like this heavy thing that would not budge. It was like screaming inside of something that would not budge. Very strange at the time. And I was very pregnant.
I suppose many would be bugged out that some stranger had “violated” a pregnant woman looking for money. But I have not thought about this too much, because I am still here, so what fucking difference does this make, it , as an after effect, is just an idea that can be made huge by imagination and some morality. Even if I was violated, I have no real recollection of it, just a sense that there was someone there touching me in some way, and all I was deperately trying to do, was move my body. And I could not.
I took a train to Italy, an overnight train. My husband and I had a sleeping compartment.
We were robbed. We later found out that the train conductors sprayed a gas under the door to put the passengers to sleep, and then go in and take money from pockets and bags. And yes the next day we found all our money gone.
But, I remember someone being there, remember in total desperation trying to move my body. I could not move it. It was like this heavy thing that would not budge. It was like screaming inside of something that would not budge. Very strange at the time. And I was very pregnant.
I suppose many would be bugged out that some stranger had “violated” a pregnant woman looking for money. But I have not thought about this too much, because I am still here, so what fucking difference does this make, it , as an after effect, is just an idea that can be made huge by imagination and some morality. Even if I was violated, I have no real recollection of it, just a sense that there was someone there touching me in some way, and all I was deperately trying to do, was move my body. And I could not.
The effects I reacted to, were that the next day I had no cash to buy food, and I, being pregnant, wanted something to eat really badly, and we could not - for some reason- not use our bank cards in the ATMs, and since it was Sunday, the banks were closed.
Obviously, there are desperadoes in Italy that need money to buy food. And they are in cahoots with the train personnel to get money. The moral in this lesson - with in this present system of inequality- is to have a gas mask and a watch dog assigned when riding overnight trains in Italy, but even then, maybe it is better to go to sleep and risk monetary loss, as being awake might cause more damage. lol Have some cash to placate, but not enough to be a painful loss, and never arrive in Italy on a Sunday. And realize you will be asleep and have no recollection of being violated. lol Make sure you have Equal Money plastered all over your body, even tattooed to send a message.
In all, the real question here is why does such activity exist? Why is there a man, or woman, or group, stealing money? I mean why is this what we, the human, have become? Why is someone spending their fucking life stealing to live? Why is someone spending their life starving? This world, the activity of this world is a living picture of what is accepted and allowed, it is an album of the human’s acceptances and allowances. And it is not a pretty testament of our behavior, the care of our home, this earth. This album is our passport, it is the picture of what we are. Would you let such into your home? If you were the inhabitants of another planet and earth came to your planet would you want us? No. I would say, get your fucking house in order and then come and see me. No one would want a person who behaves in taking from another what is needed to live. I would not want someone like this in my home. What is really sick, is that there are people on earth doing this right in their own homes, locking children in rooms and ignoring them. We, collectively are doing the same thing when we allow children from other parts of the world starve.
It is no different. This earth is our home.
This memory came up within me yesterday. So, here I am with this.
I realize, with all the things spinning around in my mind, that the way the present system exists I have to constantly worry about my future, which places me with thinking about the future, which separates me from HERE. So, that which I use to plan my future, is that which I then allow to consume the very flesh of myself, as I create a detailed plan of what my future will be, and then react when this somehow does not go according to the plan in my head. And meanwhile I am not here.
Obviously, I also do not have the ability to direct my human physical body. Someone can drug me and then I will be unable to move myself. Is it the same when I am awake? Am I actually awake? Is this world, and what we allow, indicating that we are awake? No.
Interesting, I remember one time lying to my parents to avoid a spanking, and I had to watch my sister take the punishment. It was so awful I could not ever ever do this again. NEVER. I have some sibling rivalry sometimes, but it is like i cannot allow it, as it means pushing something down to block it, and this memory always comes up of how awful it is to watch one of my sisters become diminished. It was also hard to watch my twin sister place herself within the constant attentions of men. She did not really have any other choice, they were always there, even as little girls. I will have to do forgiveness on this, and this existential behavior in society, effected more after the death of my husband, as it is as though my children were deemed last in line because they no longer had a father, which made no sense to me. And still does not. but I guess within this system, they are considered less because they have missed the programming of a male. But then again, they were with their father the first seven years of their life, so the supposedly “right” programming is there somewhere.
It makes it all clear as to why I am a destonian. This system makes no sense, that is the bottom line.
It is so bad, how much senselessness is the outcome of this system, that there is something within and as me, that realizes I cannot move my human physical body.
And in the last days, I have felt stiff, like it is difficult to move my human physical body. And why would that be? Fear petrifies, we all know this much. And since I have been planning my future, my body is telling me that I am not here. All I can be is here. Unless I drug myself with ideas of a future that are not myself actually being here.
( I stop, I take a break, and I notice a little fairy tale story going off in my mind, a little “fix’ of validation. how entertaining for me! I write such good little stories in my mind; my own personal radio/entertainment system, right here as my mind - no wonder why some people have the radio going all the time, they need musical accompaniment as dramatic magnifier added to their self pitying litany in and as their minds)
The point of all this ranting and raving is that in order to live, what is here, in this moment is all there is. A system of hoarding and collecting, to survive, as what the present system does with the tool of money being a secondary representation of basic needs, actually separating us from being here. And if we spend our lives not being here, how can we learn to actually be here with our human physical bodies? We can’t. Unless we have so much money, that we are born into from day one, that we do not worry about the future. Very, very few can do this, and many of them must eventually learn the ways of maintaining this structure for the next generation. Thus, even this does not exist with those who happen to have more money than others. In the end we are all doing the same thing, worry about money, which is worrying about survival, which is worrying, and not actually 100% being here, one and equal with our physical selves.
Playing an instrument takes absolute focus, our bodies are an instrument, and our system does not allow us to focus on ourselves as life, ourselves as an instrument of life and it does this by placing con-dictions or fear in the guise of potential loss of our homes through death unless we have enough money to support ourselves. Focusing on this need of money, means that we are not here, developing a focus on playing with this physical world, ourselves, as an instrument of life. This system supports diminishment, suppression and not expression as life.
Yet, we, each of us is the cause of this. We started this individually and created this collectively accepted scenario. So, it is us, each of us, that feared standing up and performing with what we are as life. We accepted the experiences of others to guide us, which is not “bad” per say, but we did not incorporate this as us, really sense this and become responsible for this as us, we took the “idea” and had this be the directive - so to speak. This is a huge difference, as one develops a burden to carry and the other develops an actual applicable self direction, self hONEsty with the very substance that is the basic element of composition. Big, huge difference.
But, if all we have known is the idea ONLY, fathoming self direction will not be immediateley apparent. Plain and simple. Thus self forgiveness is to realize this, to make the ideas, beliefs, opinions, that manifest as emotions, thoughts and feelings, as what has not been resolved and understood within and as self, that keep self running to something, as the need desire and want is to actually incorporate - so to speak- within self as an understanding, manifest in actually being able to self direct without the need for a crutch ( which means the understanding is not fully grasped as an awareness of life) , where the want, need and desire is a signature of unfinished understanding as life. The present system uses this to not allow self realization, as those on the top of the pyramid have also not self realized as life, and they just happen to control the outward manifestation of allowed crutches in abdication of self directed, self honest, self responsibility as what we all are, as life.
I could not move my human physical body because I had not actually become one and equal to myself as life within actually accepting my human physical body as one and equal to me as life, of the same fucking god damn substance, my eye of the needle, my ways and means of expression as what i am as life. And the very system around me, was not helping me in any way what so ever. it is like this one little moment, reveals the totality of existence. And this is all it really takes, and every moment here, is probably working in an absolute purpose of revealing this to each and every one of us, all we have to do is stop and breath and look at ourselves as what we are, as what we have accepted and allowed, and then we will see this, as it is very fucking loud. lol
Another way of realizing this is to simply look at yourself as your human physical body. Any disease is a signature of separation. And there are children who are not being given what is needed to live, even before they have a chance to understand themselves, This is how, what we have allowed is effecting all life, this is the amount of separation that has manifested and compounded here on earth. As within, so without. Man, know thyself. We have been told, what is needed is right here. Plain and simple.
How come you/me to not be HERE? Why are we not HERE? How is our system, the way and means of distributing what supports, not allowing us to actually be one and equal with ourselves and our human physical bodies, where this is actually manifested, where this is what is happening in joy and ease? Everything is here that is necessary to allow this, it is only what we have in and as our minds that is creating what stops this.
Fuck I have a lot of self forgiveness to do. Don’t you too? Is there not anything else to do but to give yourself life as what you are?
When I was on that train, trying to move myself from within, concentrating on moving myself, was all that I really needed to do was breath? But i had not been taught this. I did not know how to be , one and equal with and as my human physical body. Just as within myself, there was an awareness of separation manifest as not being able to move, and without in the environment was an action taking place that consumed the focus of the human, a need for money, that thing made god, that thing determining life, that thing avoiding being called its real name, what the human has made an idol, into and as what determines life, where life is what we are. The value is life. Remember this with and as your human physical body, breath, so we can all learn to play equal and one, with and as, this actual physical world to be and become instruments of life. Support an Equal Money System. Let’s get the show of life in theroad. Time to remove and stop the vehicles of war that we are accepting and allowing on earth.
