Day 669the presence of a wall of memories; the effort to speak as a child.

What is a wall?

I woke up this morning with this word in  my head. I realize the sense of a ‘ wall’ around me is my own making. It only defines me if I accept and allow it.

I also heard a statement about the nature of Astrological signs this week. The woman said that water signs tend to be boundless. Funnily enough, in the group, the water signs were all on the edges of the group, where they could escape, remaining on the borders. 

Being of such a nature means that one can absorb everything and yet not be bound by it unless accepted and allowed, since one can change beliefs, opinions and ideas held within one, meaning one is not bound by such. And yet, this is a means to an end, meaning that one can understand something and let it go and change. One can expand perspective, learn and become more aware. Yet if the starting point is one of believing that one can be bound, and has a character of being boundless, then one is reacting to form, as belief, opinion and idea.

So the statement that one is boundless means that that quality of making the choice to be boundless is the same quality that can understand something for a moment and transform. Because the idea of being boundless means one is constantly transforming, as in rejecting and accepting what one chooses to believe, especially on a physical planet where it takes practical. measurable steps to get things done. If things are done in practical ways then what is real is right in front of us. When I am acting boundless, I am rejecting what is here, fearing to address it, fearing to call it by name and accepting the quality of it, and interacting with it in practical common sense ways.

Hence resistances are my own wall. My physical body tenses to resist what I believe will cause me harm. Because this belief is a measure within me, as an idea, it is myself in separation from being present in what enables me to live , and that is the physical world around me.

I have accepted a wall of belief, and that wall of belief becomes what binds me in limited ways. 

I recently had a memory come up of myself pushing myself to talk as a child. The memory is like an emotional veil. 

It was such an effort to do this, as though I was clenching myself within myself to ex-press the words I was playing with as sound. The anxiety behind this was great. Such a huge effort it seemed. 

Within the memory,  is the perspective of this, meaning the whole focus of myself was on moving myself within myself. My presence, like my eyes, were focused on this movement within me.

A memory can therefor me, a measure, a movement, a tiny slice of time and space. And each memory is like a different measure of movement, like currents in an ocean; some move slow because they are of such a simple movement within me, and others are fast moving, cluttered with debris as zip filed thoughts that are of belief, opinion and idea creating a story of justification for what has been created within that moves one, defines one, and ultimately separates one from being focused and present. In a way, it is a tying of all of this together, where one walks backwards, so to speak, through all of this and begins to see what was constructed with what builds memories within and a perspective of seeing not only this memorized within, and also, in tandem with, what is without as what is the real physical world that was there, that we each were within, become culture and language built personalities that became larger than life.

Who am I within what I accept and allow as beliefs, opinions and ideas? Since what is within is constructed, because it was not there when I was born, or until what seeds were planted as such states of being as the adults around me imbedded as measures of perspective within my DNA,  resonant because they are a form, a memory that can zip file information, what was I before all of this, even as the adults of my exposure and imitation,  around me walking in bubbles of a within made larger than life?

Measurable and math mathematically, this means I am built of what I am exposed to. This means that what is within me, must be equal in measure to seeing directly what is without that is me. This means that in the order of real living, my within must be cross referenced to what is without. This means that real trust, the trust of life, the acceptance of life, must be to realize equality and oneness to the physical. This is accepting everything as life, as creation.

This means that there is only here. 

I ask myself why there was so much anxiety attached in this memory to moving my body in such a way to be able to start speaking words? Was it that I only had words within a context of the beliefs, opinions and ideas of the humans standing within my environment? Was it that what I imitated was a different world than the world around me? Was it that I feared becoming this paranormal activity? Probably.

I notice in my chest, a movement that is not whole, and instead it is more like a hole, where what moves within this, is not sound, instead it feels like it pours out a racing thing, a film thing. I can answer it more, perhaps if I look at this from another angle. It is like it fears taking in other forms. and the consequence is that it is ‘ of an effort’ to change outside of pictures and ideas within and as me. I notice that in some instances taking in information about ‘ finances on the world stage’ is a genre/formation/structure that I have great difficulty with. I have to in these instances really slow down and assess the information as though it is so foreign to me. I tell myself that it is  a measure, a form that can be understood with continued assessment. The contrast of this change to assess this form, as the financial part of the present system,  exists in contrast to what races within my heart/chest that is like a thing as a measure as a form, that resists changing itself.  And yet, this is where I notice at times I can reform myself within understanding others areas of living, as in assessing how to organize some spatial thing in my direct world, my home- for example.

The anxiety comes up in some things my mind projects as words, as statements, such as; I can’t see that,” or “ I can’t grasp that,’ “ must get this”.

There is a sense that I really do not see the consequences of what I am doing. I am only imitating the world around me as trying to fit into what exists be it good or bad, right or wrong, and yet there is a thread of dread in some respects as though this short circuits the physical as me.

I can feel the anxiety of speaking within this, accumulating in my solar plexus, and then moving into my chest to flow out in a way that is of information that does not tell the whole story. It skims the surface.  When I become more ‘ boundless’ I notice that I am being change, and within this, the absence of anxiety happens, as less accumulates within my solar plexus, as I am busy assessing more than what is within me, I am slowing down and also sensing form and function of what is here. The red flag being when the information that is me, has to change and there is resistance because that information is not congruent with being present and here.

As a musician, I always has this sense that words were do limited, so one-dimensional. They moved too slowly to really have a presence in wholeness. Music seemed so much more a means of expressing a greater measure in a moment. And yet, words were sound too. Seeming contradiction.   One of the designs of our present system is that it does not allow for the time it takes to investigate. Yet is we are racing as a within that is not equal to what is without, we lose an innate ability to assess and understand form and structure around us, and hence we build a structure within that is in a relationship with limitation instead of complete understanding. This becomes what so many have accepted and allowed, which is a personality that has no real responsibility. And that is a crime against one’s self, a crime against life. No wonder so many are standing up and speaking about what is unacceptable in this world, and which is not placed on the mainstream media, because what is being expressed that is unacceptable, does not fit into the limitation that supports the limitation as one’s acceptance and allowances within one’s personification that is a metaphysical inner construct as one’s memory. 

I will do some self forgiveness in relation to the anxiety I felt as this memory, about speaking words, using this physical body to speak words using what I imitated around me, that caused a suppression that manifested as emotions accumulating in my solar plexus, and being formed into words that did not tell the whole story and therefor lacked a wholeness within my chest area.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was an extra-ordinary effort.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that speaking words was a huge effort

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get so caught in speaking words that I did not notice the effects of this on my physical body.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was a child, attempting to behave as the adults in my world around me, and that to do this, I had to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel very exhausted within summoning all of myself to move my physical body into speaking words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that within and as speaking words, and becoming at the same time exhausted within and as doing this, that I did not assess what I had done, as I simply accepted this without investigating what the consequence of this was within and as me.

Within this, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I became so focused on the words and the effort to speak words that being aware of anything outside of that was ignored.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what my physical body as myself was doing was learning something new, placing into practice as me, some new formation of what I as a physical form could be and do,  that my focus on that and the praise I received for this,  distracted me from what I existed as before, that was what reformed to speak words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in being able to speak words I was somehow more that what I was in contrast to before being able to speak words as the only value I accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it is okay to enjoy speaking as in participating in some means of expression as speaking words, yet not to make this a more than, a greater value, something to be proud of as in an end game value  to define who and what I am, where realizing that this change and self expression with the physical is movement and living, and that this is ongoing, meaning it is being present, participating in creation in expression, as this is eternal and cannot be lost.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I find myself accumulating emotional bodies within and as my solar plexus, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand where I am resisting investigating measure and form around me, as this is information that is not what I have accepted and allowed as a belief, as a measure within and as me. hence I slow down and I change within and as me, what I have accepted and allowed and the means of this, to reform through assessment and evaluation and realize that I can express this movement into considering all things, my own acceptances and allowances and what is without structurally, until I realize a form that is whole, as in directive into expanding awareness so my within can be equal and focused without, stable, grounded and at ease, as this is the absence of emotions and feelings of lack, comparison, resistance in competition of aggrandizing my within as ideas, beliefs and opinions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ this is too hard’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have thoughts such as “ I can’t do this,’ or “ I can’t grasp this,” or “ must get this.’

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear not matching the words of another.

I forgive myself for not seeing realizing and understanding the fun of this, over all, as speaking words and moving my physical body  as the means of expression which is fun and means that I am the director of what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge the sounds that I emit, to fear making sounds, in fear of making a mistake, when learning means that one must attempt formation, and that means becoming equal in measure to something, which takes time and involves making mistakes, as this is the way and the means of realizing where I am not in total understanding of something, as this is by nature a process.

When and as I find myself tensing up, within and as my chest area, I stop and I breath, and I assess the thoughts and the emotional veils of memory from my past and the reactions I had within that memory, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that I am here, that that which builds is that which can reform and move into transforming who and what I am here, surrounded by creation as the physical, and within the construct of separation as the present system, and myself as a personality composed of limited measures in separation from being grounded and whole, equal and one to all life, which includes that physical as this is what is here before a mind consciousness was accepted and allowed to be bigger than life itself.

When and as I find myself moving into anxiety, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the past as memory is no longer what I am here, and that the means to building my memory, as my experience, within the present system is the means of change, the means of slowing down, assessing and investigating what is here, to see, realize and understand what is best for all, as this is best for myself.

When and as I find myself tensing up and/or feeling anxious,  I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I assess, investigate, evaluate, my within mind consciousness and the without as the physical world that is at the moment influenced by the limited measure accepted and allowed my myself,  and I follow through in practical application what accepted and allowed judgements as lacks within and as me that I believed protected and defended my accepted separation from respecting all life as me, here, and I ground myself through forgiving my own beliefs, opinions and ideas, based on a past where I followed and imitated my without, absent consideration of all things, as I accepted and allowed self interest before respect for all things.

When and as I find myself tensing up within and as me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I become equal and one as the living word here, to ground my within, in and as my chest area to speaking in wholeness in what is in consideration of all things, as the physical as this is life information, here.

When and as I find myself skimming the surface of reality and the measure of accepted and allowed limited beliefs, opinions and ideas to define me as my within, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I realize that I am possible as who and what I am, life, here.

When and as I sense  a wall around and as me, as a sense of resistance to what is here around me, I stop and I breathe, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that the real “ wall’ is the all, of and as me as us, as we, here, as the physical, and I assess and investigate my within and the without, until my personified wall of beliefs, opinions and ideas, as memories, as experiences, as data, as measure, are self forgiven in equality and oneness with and as the physical here, becoming a living word that is in tandem with life, as being the consideration of all things, taking that which is good and does no harm, to plant a seed of information equal and one to and as life, here.

Day 603 The courage of water

The courage of water

I have had a problem in my chest for a while. It has taken time to begin to slow down the protective shield based on ideas, beliefs and opinions. And, that what I have allowed is so habituated, as my actions, in reaction based on fear, which is myself accepting and allowing an inferiority to life, as life would be what is best for all, as an expression, because the real purpose is creation, in and as what does no harm, what takes that which is good and does no harm, transforming in a moment, fearing not an expression, because the structure as the physical shows the way, in form and function.

Sometimes this movement in my chest becomes warm, like a liquid, and other times I can feel it tensing up, as I allow a program of moral righteousness and/or an idea of competition, where I compare myself to another within allowing a very limited ideology/belief/conception/perspective.

Other times, it feels like a hole is in my chest, where I have not caught up in practical application as my own structural alignment with being here, focusing here.

Water is here, it has the courage as is its nature to mold into every form here, even into the very rocks of this earth, through the layers of clay underground, into everything, and everything is of this substance, this water.

Thus, I can become any accepted belief, as being such in a moment, to understand need not define me as who I am here, in a moment, because the next moment comes and with this change, just as water changes and circulates and moves on this earth. In this respect water is courage, and courage is water -like. And we were told that we had to move from the heart, on this earth, that is our hearth, here; hearing heaven here is allowing the courage like substance as water as self as life here when aligned as this nature as self as life, using the abstract making quality of the mind - that which can become a concrete embedded structure that lacks common sense directive when held as hallow ground as being more than that from which it builds its program. This is in essence playing god, leading nowhere, which means the now of time, here, and we have been told that time is the illusion. So, the joke is on you - mindbot. lol, it is a saying that reveals its outcome, mind  only bottoms you out, like a pyramid scheme will eventually bottom out as is happening here on earth unless we become our real nature, that of courage, which is the nature and characteristic of water, which happens in the heart, the earth, the hearth, I mean there is a reason why the sounds in these words are the same. Is there not? It is like the pictograph of the word heart, as the ‘h’ is like a chair, and that chair ‘h’ is before the ear - the hearing/hereing  of self in the cross roads, as the cross, as the ‘t.’  So it is the choice to sit on the chair and stare/stair the shadows on Plato’s wall as one’s experiential mental map that has now manifested into a system of same limitations or to become equal and one to the physical, to make the choice to respect the physical as life in formation, and to accept self as life and become equal and one as a creator. It is to accept the transformative quality of self and direct from this to develop and return to the means to pass through the eye of the needle into eternity as becoming equal and one to the essence that is life. This way and means with which we are born, that has been moved into some fantasy world of religion and consumerism,  is much simpler than lead to believe as the action is a practical one, which is right here in front of us; we need only accept this, because in reality it is freely given. Time to put down the apple and return to the presence of the tree. Then maybe the tree will become the choice of freedom, the tree, when becoming equal in awareness to it, one comes under the dome of freedom.

You have the courage, as what you are to stand and equalize to here. This is to choose freedom, to begin the process of alignment to life, as the physical, and to realize that each part reflects and as such substantiates who you are as a creator because who you really are as life fits perfectly into life.

The process of self forgiveness is to forgive the judgements of being inferior or superior, of removing comparison and competition, to equalize through stopping the voices of one’s past of uncertainty and the voices of a lineage of ancestors that were not themselves equal to life as including the physical world as life - caught in an idea of something greater that is and was a metaphysical construct in separation from reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not listen, to within this, not see, realize and understand that I can become what another believes, opinions, or idealizes as such cannot define me, but I can understand as the nature of courage as that being like water, to realize the conception of another and to take this and bring this into a from that takes that which is good and does no harm.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge, to become inferior to what is here, and /or superior in fear of loss of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined in and as, and within this, to use meta-physical mental action to understand and equalize understanding and then to take this and move this into what does no harm , taking that which is good and referencing practical physical reality to consider all life, as the physical and begin to rebuild a life on earth that considers all things in ways that do no harm, to create heaven on earth, and as such to live with courage as is the real nature of my myself as the word courage is the word heart.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my ego is my accepted and allowed metaphysical ideology in separation from accepting the gift of life in manifestation which is the physical world here, right in front of me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand my own accepted and allowed separation into ideas, beliefs and opinions where I move as judgement, resisting that which limits or does not substantiate my survival character, as my self definition that was built in self interest only, separating me from myself as life, rejecting life as it rejected the physical, this physical being the way and the means of myself here as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have rejected the courage of myself as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that bring right was a fixed thing, when being here, in consideration of practical reality as the physical was “ righting” myself here, with every breath, to cross reference practical reality and participating in creation as the physical becoming sound with and as the means of life as the physical.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that being here, accepting the physical is real substantiation to and as life here.

When and as I find myself thinking only, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down, to become equal and one to and as the physical to substantiate life, as the physical here.

When and as find myself wanting to be right, I stop, and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I listen, I hear, to bring myself here, equal and one with the physical, to begin to walk with and as the practical measure as the physical world, to become equal in sound with the physical, and thus substantiating myself here as life.

When and a s I find myself moving into fear, I stop, I slow down, I breath, I realize where I have not taken the time to be courageous and slowed down to understand the conceptual form around me, and I take the time to investigate and to discover that which is good and does no harm, here.

When and as I find myself believing that I must protect myself in fear of loss of something as an idea, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that the space is here, and that this is eternal, thus I have the time to slow down and review, as investigate all things, listening to hear the heart of the matter, and to reflect on this, and move this into what would be best for all because what is best for all is best for myself here, and to be thankful and grateful for all expression around me, as the expression around me is perspective of this reality, and as such, if I allow this, builds my own courage as life, as this expands my awareness of and as life here.

Day 547 The inner-rest of interest in separation from physical life.

I am looking at my heart, an what is happening there. I notice that I have what feels like a solid “ block” in my left calf. It is getting better, but I have to slow down and breath, and “ read” the construction of belief that I have accepted and allowed within that is the cause of my own lack of circulation. For years I have followed what we are accepting and allowing within our health system of beliefs, and what never made sense to me was the fact that our cells are replaced every seven years, so I thought, if our cells are replaced every seven years why do we age? It is not something anyone can answer. Would I want to remain as a human forever Probably not, I would probably, like humans are apt to do, even if it is in small measure, become more effective, transform, learn new things, so remaining as one thing, as an idea of living forever, is not necessarily something I would want. That is common sense. Life is so many things, thinking of staying just one, makes no sense.

My mother was a school teacher. With her pension she has a cost of living increase. But, this increase has not been coming. It was suddenly stopped for some reason or another. I think it comes form the State of New Jersey, and if we realize the kinds of things the governor of New Jersey is doing, is it no wonder that the coffers of teacher’s pensions are suddenly in a state of lack that cost of living increases are no longer being given?

I also notice that in American cities that laws are being passed on homelessness. Where any support given by a citizen, such as giving a homeless person food, is being allowed to be written into law as not being acceptable.

So, if we look at this, and we realize the information that is available about the transnationalization of corporations ( sounds like something out of the movie Brazil, or BladeRunner) where money as the profits that are the wealth created by the hands of many generations of men that were the parts that moved the resources, and developed the automation overall as it is impossible that one person, or a few could do this, and those municipal workers who believe that their pensions are going to take care of them for the rest of their lives, municipal workers, and teachers who don;t even realize that their pensions are invested in what is the source of the wealth as money from the processing of freely given natural resources, that are now “ off shore” and funding wars fought by the children grown into young men and women, the apparatus of which is built from what is really slave labor of prisoners that were children who existed in such economic suppression that they never learned any structure or communication skills and as such never did well in school - for which we cannot thank the media- and are building all helmets despite the fact that taxpayer dollars are paying for their upkeep, so the war industry “ owners” that are really the biggest welfare recipients because they are sucking off the nipple of freely given resources and deciding that humans are expendable. Even I get to the point where the spin of this is so insane I don’t want to write about it any more. This is because it is a form that supports life in no measure. It is a form that actually has no regard for life, no connection to life, no understanding of life. And most of us, don’t even look at it, we are so stagnant from a school system that spends years talking about themes such as friendship, or how “ special needs children “ are special. None of which is bad, but when recited and made THE theme, it is a mechanism that slows down a natural perception ability that in itself indicates a natural conceptual ability. This is an ability to conceptualize, but the focus of that conception is being placed into a very narrow box, and a very lively - or I would rather say, “ deadpan” debate is carried out within these very very very narrow confines. This makes it very difficult to argue against, because the “ topic” is not untrue, but it is very narrow and those who are making a living preaching it, have no real spatial development, so their definitions are only able to go so far - and they do not even realize this. Which brings me back to the point of myself.

If I become a belief system within, one that has a inner belief system that is very narrow, that has been taught to JUST think that our schools are doing “ wonderful jobs” as what is said at every school meeting, then the gamut of my perception will remain within this narrow discussion. Would I have the conceptual ability to process more than this? No, I would have remained in my chair within these narrow confines, to “ get along and go along” and to not appear to be impatient, and or, “ difficult.” If I had spoken up, without emotions, as the frustration because of the narrow confines being discussed or touted, I would cause a lot of friction, because I am not moving at the speed of the limitation, this narrow window of topic that is not a good or a bad, but simply a tiny measure of reality. In doing so, when I stood up and taken what was being said into a broader spectrum, the very inner “ record” of this limitation, would begin to reveal itself in the very physical manner of the person, because if one takes insight to another level, and the insight level of another person is limited, they have to reconstruct their inner imagery/perception, and to do this takes an inner transformation. If one has been a recitation of a very limited dictate for a long time, then change becomes more difficult. Physically this changing will cause a subtle shaking within the person, and if they are not aware of this, they will become frightened and just not want to “ go there.” The physical shaking appears to be unnerving. But what it really is, is a change, a reconstruction of belief.

One will also want to remain within what one believes, if this change within appears to be scary. And if one has lost spatial ability, because a broken record as a belief system is held onto, then it is even more difficult to change. Especially if one’s access to money is determined by one’s limited belief system. ( for this reason alone , a Basic income guarantee must be implemented)

So, if I have tension within my physical body, it is an indication where I am not moving in common sense of what is best for all, I am not moving with life here, I am not equal to what is being spatially equal to what is the very movement of life here. Where I am  thick within, such as back constriction, or pressure, means that I am stuck in some limited insight. Which means that I have allowed myself to believe that some belief, some measure defines, me, I have allowed this, and this that I have allowed is not aware of what gives as what I am as life receiving, I am not equal to the very movement of life here. And life would move in ways that are best for all, and the all is here because of the physical structural mechanism that enables life inFORMation.

Some where in all these words I write, have I answered my own question, voiced my own quest. I mean words in some ways are limitations, but in all they are the measure of our conceptual ability that is needed for communication between humans that overall are in separation from reality, were we not then a building diminishment of pensions and laws that make helping those without  money would not be what is forming within the present system, especially on a planet that gives resources freely.

Our words reveal our ME- LODy. Words reveal the construct of our inner belief. And since we are individual entities, what we LODE ourselves with as the tools of words and what they build as a belief picture, indicate the scope of our conceptual development, which is our conception of the physical reality that is the formation of how we exist, without which we cannot exist.

Somehow I am defining myself in some limited way, and I am not walking in common sense, hence the tightness in my calf. And, there is a “ block” in my heart area. I have been trying these last months, because I began to notice this in the fall of 2013, to sense this form I have accepted and allowed, and to clear this up, to get this to circulate with ease. But since this has been constructed over time, it takes me time to slow down and see the measure of this as the back chat circulating as thoughts in my mind, and the emotional/feeling body welling up from my solar plexus area, settling in my heart, as what I forgive that is not in equal measure to what is best for all, as this “ best for all’ is myself as life, here.

Since I talked about creating friction in another, and I often feel frustrated and impatient with dealing with limited constructs as what people tout with lively debate in a very narrow window of belief, there remains within and as me, a frustration within addressing the limitations of belief in others. Somehow, I have not moved in a forgiving way, one that circulates with a measure of  creating change in digestible measures addressing a starting point of limited measure. But perhaps, I expect a greater “ return” and this is due to conditioning, as well, where there is really no return, there is only standing in common sense, as this is the return, just remaining here, steadfast with a measure of common sense. It is not so much a lack, as a rushing, and the rushing is the block as a movement within and as me, here.

Collectively, such allowances within, as what each is doing over all, is each of us not considering what it means to be physical entities on a physical world. Each must flow in common sense of what it means to be the physical form of life because this is how life is. Life is a gift, it is not something that is ignored through placing a belief in a heaven, an after-life as being more than what is here as the physical.  Heaven was the separation from being responsible as life, it was in total ( with the hell being those who had more realization that something was amiss and yet had not realized the problem) a lesser dimension of life, clinging to earth to survive, it was the matrix of our separation from accepting the gift of life, as the physical world. This is why Christ said we had to bring heaven to earth in order for life to begin, We had to order ourselves equal to the physical because the physical is the formation of and as life. Thus, what is here must flow in common sense of what is best for all, respecting that which enables life, which is the physical.Is it no wonder that the physical is belittled? What is the real value is hidden right in front of us. It has been said that the truth is hidden in the best place, right in front of us.

The amount of my separation from life is equal to the amount of blame and spite, that i allow within and as me as what I am. Thus, the amount of rejection manifest as a compound of suppression within, which is a behavior of not knowing where to go - so to speak- which is an ignorance that does not move in what would be a fluid manner as common sense of the whole as the physical. This would move with ease, would be directive, as the principle of give as one would like to receive, the principle of what is best for all. This is realizing that the principle is the physical world, and that this principle is what is the real value, one that cannot be moved into the hands of a few men, to become the interest of a few, via a system that takes through a measure we call interest lending. Ironically, when we allow a system of interest lending in monetary measure, we allow our interest as life, to become the interests of others, which creates a system that serves the interests of a few, and a few cannot be equal to the measure of the physical on the ground, because they are not there to see directly the consequences of what is practiced. As this, each unit of measure as each human being, must be given voice and as such, the means to see clearly. This means physical needs must be met, to create an entity that is in a state of health, because this is the wealth that enables life to exist, this is the web of the physical, that which is the formation of and as life, here.

So, I must forgive myself through writing self forgiveness to see the measure of my separation, and then write the self correction that is in equal measure to what is best for all, as this begins with each of us, so that many can stand as what is best for all, so that life can begin on earth. We decide.

Day 525 Using the Heart to stand within the Principle of what is best for all.

I have lead musical groups and within this remained directive and calm, focused here, using the structure of the music to stabilize me.

It really is no different when standing as a principle, especially the golden rule: to give as one would like to receive. As this, to hold the sound of this and remain unwavering within it, facing all objections and limitations within and without.

This brings to mind an event I experienced in Singapore. I was in a wet market looking for lemon leaves. One of the vendors directed me to a woman who sold the leaves. This vendor refused to serve me. I did not speak Chinese, but I knew I was not meeting openness, just a blast of rebuttal. 

I remained calm, because clearly, this woman did not want to serve me.

Then, someone appeared next to me, and they told me that this woman did not like Caucasians and told me where I could find the leaves I wanted. 

Being a white American, I had not faced such racism. I found this a new experience, and it scared me, I felt very hopeless, and realized that there was little chance of changing this attitude, and I also did not speak the language. My sister was with me at the time, and she reacted and wanted to leave. The person who came to help, came up to me, and I think it was because I remained calm, un-reactive. I went back to the market while I was there, my sister refusing to go, and I found I had made some friends, people would come up to me and try to sell me more mangos than I could possibly eat and asked me questions about my boys, and told me all about the people in the market. I found it cool that there were people here who were open and curious, sharing and enjoying differences, opening up and exchanging each other’s lives.

I also run a cooperative and have worked with others in organizing this group. What i find is that there are those who need the details walked again and again, and usually are really good at coming up with excuses, and even break the rules when it is an inconvenience for them to follow them. It does not matter how many times I reiterate the rules, they are broken. Every once in a while I have to state them again, and then things align again and function smoothly. We have even had people drop out because they find the rules too difficult. And the rules are not difficult. But, still, they seem huge to some. I have learned to remain calm and state them again, otherwise, I allow a Pandora’s box of emotion to open, and then I become the “ bad guy.”  I have even had others join in the task of maintenance, and they will end up leaving because they can’t handle the emotional storms. Which is an emotional storm in itself.

There are times when I feel like I just stand there and take the storm, again and again. And the bitch of it is that, reacting to it does nothing. it is to simply explain the guidelines again and again. But i have to say, there are some, that realize the guidelines and work with them. And even apologize when something comes up and a mis-take is made. it is surprising how mush an apology and an act of correction without me asking them, is supportive. The people in the wet market were the same, coming and correcting what was unacceptable. And there are many such people, but not enough, because if there were, then this world would be put in order in a short period of time. And the order, is just simple common sense, being responsible. That is all.

Leading then means remaining consistent and stable within a framework, and in this case what is best for all, what will be a win-win for all parties involved. It means seeing objections and beliefs that are of limitation and directing them. It means understanding the limitation, and narrowing the focus of that objection , defining it and then finding a solution that is of a clearly defined goal with the practical steps delineated. It is remaining within the sound of that frame, that structure. This I can do, because I have done this many times, even with the competition breathing down my neck. It is interesting that one cannot be touched when standing in stability like this, even anger from another is tempered as it has nothing to project onto because the stability within the framework remains constant.

If one listens to the tempo of speech, one can align to this, and become the rhythm of this and then hear/here the limitations, and move at that speed. I realize that this will take practice, and that I cannot rush or charge myself in any way. It is to remain focused and directive, because in the end, if the understanding and constancy is not held and modeled, there will be no structure given that can withstand the test of separation in time and space. And, it is only a belief that the quality of myself will be lost, as an idea of what I am in relation to another, especially since competition will use such and run with it, destabilizing on purpose within self interest. This is where the quiet is of great benefit, because not only is this a place of focus, it is also where one hears the storm of  self interest.

In trying to figure out what was going on with my husband, before he died, I had a moment where I said out loud, STOP. And indeed, did everything stop. And in that same moment, everything that i had defined myself as as being important suddenly left me.. And in that small space, I realized that everything I thought I was, was meaningless.  And, in that moment, there was this bubble all around me too, which means that what I had allowed needed to be cleaned up, there was no escape. And yes, I feel as though I am standing in the midst of this and trying to clean it up, because this is not equal to here.

Interesting that in writing this out, suddenly there is a sense that there is so much more to myself and as such to others than we can imagine beyond our petty projections. I would have to say that this is a compassion, that gives the heart direction within consideration that everything that is here, is one expression and that is an absolute purpose of being equal and one with this in everything around me. as though it were me, like bringing everything back to myself , like one, in the end, does not sense with the mind, one senses with the heart.

Day 491 Walking the process of the pain into a lightness of being. DIP Journey to life.

Pains come up with becoming equal as in walking the journey to life, the journey back in equality and oneness to and with the physical. These pains appear suddenly, feeling like needles are ripping through the flesh of the physical body that we humans have ignored, separated ourselves from as we choose the limitations of belief, opinion and idea, as a mind consciousness system. This is why our bodies stiffen with age and we do not notice because we are living in our minds as projections of ideological belief. When we choose to realize that what exists as what we are and as what this allows on this earth, there is no other choice but to stop and look and change the present system on this earth. To do this, the one thing we all seem to avoid, which is self responsibility, is what is needed. It must be walked. The gift of life as the physical is what we must accept and become equal and one to. This is the only way to life. This means no blame and no spite can exist within as a movement of each of us. And no one can do this for us. We each must do this for ourselves. Ironically, this means accepting the gift of life, here.

So, I was “ going into” with all the concentration and focus I am able to be at present, a pain that appeared in my stomach area. Very small needle like burning. As I focused on this, suddenly it appeared as a unfolding of a clear fabric like substance, which then turned into like a glass platform, this huge triangular geometric shape opening at the end of this image, this form. Then an image, a memory. I was in middle school standing in the orchestra room, looking over at my ex-”best friend” sitting with her “ new group.” The emotion game like a puff of smoke and it moved into a projection as a personification of myself, like this was a part of the presence of me. What was behind this, in a way, was more of an awareness of the whole situation, where i could see that my ex-friend’s choice had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her own decisions. At the same time, I realized that I had been doing the same thing in many ways, gathering data of this human social construct and weighing and measuring what directions to take within it. And that everyone was doing this. This was like seeing many leaves move on a tree, like seeing all the interactions at once. Within this the realization that my friend had not “ rejected” me, she was as I, as all of us, looking for what would support our survival, what would make us “ more,” what would lead to what would hide our insecurities and/or increase what we believed had value.

Suddenly, what I had believed, was not the whole story. It was only a part, and that part was from my own sense of pride. As we mature as adults, we realize these things were mis takes. But unless we self forgive them, speaking this, the resonance of it does not suddenly disappear. 

The another pain came, this time in my foot, and it was myself, younger, standing at a ballet bar, in a leotard, raising my leg. And there it was, a thought, the thought was, “ I am special.” This was not so much directed at another, it was from a joy of the structure I was learning, but the thought was that ‘I” was special. Seemingly innocent but self centered. And yet, here as well, to see what else, as the good behind the limiting thought that existed, as this memory opened, but that one thought was done in self interest, and this was what was made huge and became a part of the personification of myself, as I see this, the presence of this is a part of what is projected as an entity of myself. One aspect made huge in a moment of self interest, where behind it is the life and the value. The self interest need not exist. and within this I suppose there is more layered within. It would make sense, why we have been told not to judge, because such moments of judgements are separations from what is the value, which is to realize that the value is life, in each breathe here, where there is no need for self interest as a more than. And in many ways, we are taught this within our society - which means what we are taught leads to our demise. I mean, I had heard said that many precocious children stop expanding as their early promise when the reach their mid twenties. Is it that the collective positive reinforcement becomes the reinforcement of limitation as self aggrandizement?

I could see where this one thought done with what would be considered an innocent pride could lead to eventually believing myself to have been hurt when my friend changed her game plan in middle school. My reaction was based on a feeling of pride. I clearly had no understanding of how I was composed, and yet, I did if I had simply made the choice to look at the whole context of how others moved around me. Instead I allowed my own emotional storm as a fear of loss consume me.

Now, after this another memory game, it was of myself standing in defiance, arms crossed. I was going to prove my worth, that I was more than the choice my friend had made. I ended up taking a route that in the end kept me very busy, and I never had to do with my ex-friend again. But my impetus was as a reaction, and based in self interest and insecurity as I had denied self awareness within common sense, i followed and reacted to ideas of loss instead. I directed from a starting point as an idea that ignored the behaviors of humans within the physical world around me. And, everyone was moving into ideas of what was more within such a limited context, everyone acting in self interest, a blindness to reality. All looking for definition and hiding emotional insecurities that existed because of the separation! That is just insane. it is true that we argue our own limitations. I believe that the boy in the story The Tin Drum screamed because he simply imitated the behaviors of men, the constant scream of limitation.

What desteni talks about we all know we are doing. We can see the memories that have accumulated, and the cries of them trying to show us our own limitation. They are layered, and they grow and spread through our physical bodies, tearing at our flesh, but we do not hear them, even as we age and become stiff, unable to flex our backs. Wanting to sleep as the weight of our separation bears down with each passing year.

With self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, just as Bernard Poolman revealed, as the separations are self forgiven, a lite-ness comes, a lessening of the burden of the judgements of the need to fear, of the need to vent. That initial spot on my stomach became lighter, of less weight. As I self forgive these memories I become lighter, more flexible. It is the most amazing feeling. It is an incredible relief.  So, you see, the choice of self forgiveness, writing and corrective application within walking the desteni I process is a gift to self of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed myself to believe that my friend had rejected me.

i forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to look beyond my own limitations as judgements as mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to look at my friend and with spite and blame become an accusation as a judgement that she hurt me in leaving me to become part of another group.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel hurt.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel humiliated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior, in and as judging the the new group as being mature and sophisticated.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel inferior to this new group, because they were all turning into young women and I was not.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my friend was changing physiologically and wanted to be with others within the same experience, which I probably would have done as well given the values of the present accepted and allowed system as men on earth, thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have blamed my friend for rejecting me, and within this judging her group as stuck up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to compare myself to others without seeing realizing and understanding changes and what is a good within and as wanting to explore new situations , even though within the limited platform accepted and allowed by men that ignores the development of self as life in common sense where there is really no choice but the choice of what is best for all, which means being aware of physical existence.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see to the whole as the movement of men as mind consciousness systems in separation and as such hiding accepted limitations as the consequence of lack of common sense and to see realize and understand that within this, this separation is unacceptable, but also to realize that i was the same and as this made judgements and reacted to this limitation instead of taking the time to look at the whole as this and to realize the only solution was to remain as myself in common sense which is myself being empathetic and realizing that there is no such thing as being rejected as I am here able to stand in common sense and realize that I as life  can either choose to move as what is best for all and allow myself as life to exist, or believe that the self interested actions of others define me.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that it was I who judged myself as being rejected, and within this it was myself who was in fact the one rejecting within and as separating myself from common sense, here.

When and as I find myself beginning to judge the actions of another, I stop and I breath and I walk in their shoes and realize that more than likely, within the present accepted and allowed system I would make the same choice, and even within this, to realize the choices of others does not define who and what I am as it is what I project onto others  that I allow to become a limited definition of what i experience in the absence of respecting myself as life.

When and as I find myself judging another for the choices they make I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I see realize and understand that IN realizing with empathy and compassion, as in using my heart, myself as hearth, as earth I can slow myself down and realize in common sense the whole, and see, realize and understand I can choose judgement as hurt or I can stop and breath and use the ability of myself as heart to common sense the whole and place and move within and as what is best for all, which is myself as the lightness of being here, realizing that the value is being here, one and equal to life, giving as I would like to receive, and in this instance, realizing that my friend was simply choosing what fit the experiences she was walking in the moment and that right there before me an experience that lead to myself becoming more aware within a certain context.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an idea as a thought within and as me as pride, to be proud of myself for what i have achieved and within this to not have realized that what was the value was there behind the thought as the realization that it was the structure that as in self development as a physical being that was the value.

i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that I am special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i was special.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to separate myself from being equal and one in common sense of the whole and to accept a thought as myself as being special to become more than the actual physical context as an expression in and as life here.

When and as I find myself within and as a persona, as an entity life presence as pride, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down, and I bring myself back into and as common sense as the heart of me here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a reaction as a belief that i need to prove my worth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe myself inferior to another.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to then create a fantasy that I am superior to another and as this to criticize the action of another which is myself acting in protection and self defense based on a fear of loss and within this to believe that this defines me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to the choices of another within limited insight.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that within the play-outs in middle school the experiences probably would not have changed, but within them myself as less reactive and more aware as what I was as how I was within being more aware of the whole as I was capable of as common sense.

Thus when and as I find myself reacting emotionally I stop and I breath and I check my thoughts and my judgements and I slow myself down and use my heart, myself as earth, as the physical and I see, realize and understand the whole in and as looking at the whole context of here which at the moment is men in separation within a system that is the consequence of separation into a knowledge of good and evil which is judgement as separation from common sense of the whole and thus as such lacking practical application within understanding and respecting the value being life here, thus, I slow myself down and choose what is best for all, here.

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Day 485 The mass of christ is the word of equality. It is earth-heart-hearth as all as one as equal.

If our words are not of what actually exists then we are not what actually exists. If we do not look at what is happening in the world, we cannot realize what is actually going on systemically, and as this we abdicate our responsibility, we abdicate talking about it, looking at it and asking ourselves why such a thing exists, because we then must change what it is that is allowing abuses that exist all over the planet. This is really like not wanting to face solution which makes no sense at all, especially on a world where men have created the present system, generations of them, and as this, men, the collective must begin to work together to become what is best for all, which is a process of becoming aware of oneself. What other action is there that is of worth here on earth, an action that allows one to become aware of one’sself as life? Would this not fulfill oneself of life so much more than chasing that idea of fulfillment that never plays out and only leads to more desire of un-fullfillment?

We all know that having an expensive car is cool because the machines we build are cool in many ways, but that car does not give any real eternal sense of security. What happens is the desire for another car, or another thing because somehow there remains a sense of lack within. Also, the car cannot be enjoyed because the cost of it is such that something can be lost as we have allowed money and things, as objects to become more of a value that actually being here enjoying physical presence and expression as life. This is why there cannot be any real life until all people and all things of this planet are at ease equally as life, as that awareness of what we are here as. The volume of ourselves as life is so diminished that we keep wanting something to fill it with a substance that completes us, but this cannot happen from without only, it must be what one is as an expression from within, and what one is as life is this, thus we are really suppressing what we are as life and then taking on an idea, a very limited idea to be expression as ourselves, building an alternate reality called consciousness as mind of pictures to be life, when it is a reflection of lesser values and has no power to sustain itself because it is not equal to life.

The physical world is life, it is the gift to equalize self to and as life. The crosses we bear are our quantum minds built of various limited beliefs that separate us, these can be seen as class, as nationality etc. etc. and we are using the ecology of the earth to maintain an economy that maintains separation from realizing the value is life. Thus, are minds as the collective ideology and imagery are self built, self accepted and allowed crosses that we are carrying within, and these are our crosses that are the self built would( wood) of crucifixion, our minds show us the parts of our own fiction that separates us from life, from respecting the physical world, from doing no harm to this earth, to respecting everything that is here and realizing that the physical is equal to us as life. Behaviors  of destruction to anything here, are behaviors of separation, they are the being and the having of inner ideas as mind, that lead to insecurity and an inability to have a common sense of reality, the physical. 

There is only one gift to give, and that is equality, to give as one would like to receive. Thus a system must be placed on this planet that allows this. This is a Living Income Guarantee, where all life has stability, and within this the ability to help a neighbor as oneself. To have the ease from economic stress to slow down and take the time to look around and realize solutions that are sustainable and supportive. The really cool part of this, is that in the process each would become more aware of how the physical world is creation and how this works, thus an understanding of self that is solid and stable would be the gift. Is this not the best gift that we can all give to ourselves? This can be done, it is only the quantum mind composed of our accepted and allowed limited insight made picture endlessly looping around that separate us. The tools to slow down and realize this are here. The course of action through this is free and the only way is to walk through our own created valleys as mind of the shadows of death. These appear huge, but they are but the smoke from the friction caused by separation from self as life.

It is like we are building our own crosses of separation and spiting this action in a blind rage of fear. And all we need do is take a breath, slow down and stop and look. 

We cannot allow what is happening on earth, We cannot allow the devastation to nature. We cannot allow the frustrated behaviors of survival to continue, as these are the consequence of lack for which we are all to blame, because every part of this planet is us, what happens on every point happens to all of us. 

We are each breaking our own hearts within and as such breaking this earth without as we are allowing a polarity playout as mind of good vs. bad, which is the movement of ourselves in judgement instead of common sense and respect for everything, which means the actual real physical, that which is the means of expression. We each are not allowing ourselves to give as life as what we are, and using the physical world to be and do this.

Thus, the present system of hierarchy is a reflection of ourselves within as limitation as quantum mind. This limitation voices itself as thoughts, that accumulate into emotions and feelings, of good and of bad, the positive and the negative, and we as flesh deteriorate just as the earth is, as we consume the physical to maintain our limited alternate reality as mind. And as this, our hearts/earth/hearth breaks with us as us, and instead of giving as we would like to receive which is the joy of life, we build idols of idea about how we should appear and be just to survive the crying of our own accepted and allowed state of limitation.

The system represents the playout of this behavior, the extremes exit and the degrees between the extremes of this system of limited awareness of life. The wealthy are just one end of the spectrum of our separation and the impoverished are the other. Both exist because the collective allows this. Thus we cannot blame either, and it will take many of us to change this, to create a society that is constant in creating stability on earth. A child born into a stable environment tends to do better, thus children that are unstable and grow up to be used as a commodity, cannot be blamed, as they have had no exposure to development and know only extreme survival behaviors. All of this can change as we change what we have allowed as the sound of ourselves within, through self forgiveness, writing and corrective application, changing the very resonance of ourselves, and as this the very substance of what we are within can change, that is the power we have as life as what we are, we need only accept it and walk.

When ever something new is started , the turning, the changing of direction seems very very slow, and at moments it appears that the old habit will not move, and this is because it is stuck. But this can change, because it is of a substance as a sound, and that can be redirected. So, the beginning change seems slow and almost impossible, but with concerted effort, the slowing down and looking begins, and then the movement and/or state can be seen. We have all experienced this, in modern lingo I have heard it called a “ eureka “ moment. Then the new movement must be practiced until it is understood and automatic ( now within this realize what our media has been doing, as the extreme end of the spectrum as the elite that have cloistered the wealth from labor and resources created by all of us, this innate ability of ourselves as life is being used thus it exists). So, this ability to sense here, this that builds here, can slowly build awareness that is equal and one to the physical world. The physical earth is life, and self as life would leave nothing behind,  would never waste the very substance of life because all of it is the fabric of what builds here, thus all of it is of value. 

So, with a Living Income Guarantee, we can begin to realize the value being life and build a world that respects and takes the very stuff of the fabric of life to build a heaven on earth, where each heart can have a hearth to enjoy self as life and be life in thought, word and deed, as the principle of give as you would like to receive. This is the real mass of Christ as the message of equality.

Begin the Journey To Life.

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