Day110 The frightening wall of separation

I remember being in a school and feeling like there was a wall around me as I walked down the hallway. I saw the wall as a distance between myself and the people in the hall way, like I could not reach them and they could not see me. I remember being frightened by this. Frightened… fheightened- freiheightened- heightened frei , was this a moment of having a view of the wall, over the wall, the totality of the wall? My wall?

With my castle/cloak/film/ halo/ broadcast tower/archive/ projection:propulsion  bubble/energetic storm-creating inequality/havoc somehow sensed in this moment?

I was a walking anti-matter, self interested, blind organic robot, looking out/over/through my own picture show of judgment. I am an organic computer programmer so lost within my program I cannot even see what is real.

My halo.

All of us want out of our castles. Yet we do not know the password, the code to get out. There is a solution. It is self forgiveness, writing and corrective application within the principle of what is best for all. The principle of oneness in equality. The message of Jesus, to love your neighbor as yourself, to give as you would like to receive. The code is within each and every one of us, it is life, as even a virus cannot exist without life.

The tools are within us as the physical body, speaking the words of self forgiveness , writing, self corrective application.

It is time to rebuild this earth, to build heaven and earth, equal and one.

Remember yourself as life, instead of spreading yourself, distancing yourself from life onto a cross of judgement, spite, blame creating/allowing, the illusion of time and distance from what is here, from what is life.

The obvious is right here in from of us and the way out is with your self. 

Walk through the parts and see the demise of your own “song and dance” as personal “story,” as projection, as ego, as energy go, as belief, opinion and idea, as want , need and desire.

Come back to earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to distance myself from earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear participating on earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept a system of inequality, that disregards life, that divides and conquers the very substances of life, that are given freely, without signature of ownership, these “signs” that conflict with the resources of this earth, that create separation from life one and equal to what earth is, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow a belief, an illusion of memory, as collections of pictures, in and as my mind, in and as the very water of my human physical body, to become a halo of what I believe is what I am, as the bubble in which I live and project what it is that I am, this bubble/halo a film of illusion built on fear, demanding love, where this love is a game of memory matching to support this illusive human physical body as resource burning.consuming gird on fire, all in separation of myself as life here, interacting with what is physically here, real here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am distant from what is here, physically here, as people, as animals, as microorganisms.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to walk as a zombie on this earth, following the words of projected imagery on a tube placed within my living room, bedroom, kitchen, telling me stories all day long, supporting the separation from myself as life, distancing myself as life from what is real, what I can touch, taste, feel with the sensor of the skin on my human physical body, where if I accept and allow this halo, the manifestation of the same constructions of men without as what I have accepted and allowed within, that are the collection of pixels of my own accepted and allowed ideas, belief and opinions, to consume my human physical body, placing a strain on my human physical  body and thus causing disease, where I am turned grey and then white as my halo eats the very flesh of my human physical body, where, just as the television needs resource to burn, so does my halo need resource to perpetuate the imagery in and as my mind, and thus separating me from life as I believe that my memories are the me more in significance.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge another as more than or less than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see that I am one and equal to all that exists, in substance of what is the essence of the composition of myself here, that is life.

Within this I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this substance is obviously able to create, and compose, and yet, I the human, have allowed this gift, as the substance of life, to be composed within a context of inequality, and thus the manifestation of war, instead of what is best for all, where if I want to continue to exist as life, the only choice is to exist as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand within and as every breath, that I am one and equal to all that exists, and thus it is my self responisbility as life to realize my oneness and equality with all that is of this earth and to stand up and compose a system practically within and as this earth that supports all of me, as I am of the same substance and thus one and equal to all that is here, where if one part of me, as all that is here, is in a state of dis ease, then I am not whole, I am not all that I am as life, I am not in fact alive, I am less than what I am as life, as many many parts of me as life on this earth are in a state of dis-ease not having the support necessary to become self perfected beings as life, in and as what i am, what all is, which is the very substance of life, thus until all is supported and recognized as me, as one and equal to me, as the substance of life, life is not being lived.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I have no idea what life actually is, as I have only every lived as emotions and feelings and thoughts that generate a halo, a glass screen, my own separation from my own equality and oneness.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that I am part of an organism as life here, that it is ludicrous that my legs don’t work, or that my eyes cannot see, of that my ears cannot hear, which is the outcome of comparison within and as my self seeming to be more than or less than another, a state of myself within and as an end game of stopping within realizing the consequences of my actions, that manifest in the disease of my human physical body which is the manifestation of stagnation within and as the movement of myself as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is nothing to fear in facing the consequences of the outcome of the composition of myself within and as judgement, spite and blame, being myself not facing myself here, not realizing myself here, not using the conceptual ability of my gift of common sense of the whole here as life, where the very thing that I fear is the very thing that will allow me to become one and equal with and as life, that which I am, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the substance of myself as life, this substance the very ability of myself to common sense my equality and oneness with and as life here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the very substance of myself here, is what is able to read, to understand all that is here surrounding me as the very air that I breath,  to walk through the wall of my own conception, within and without, as all is me here, to bring my separations from life back to self and to direct within the principle of oneness in equality here, thus what I fear facing is the very thing that will begin the flow of myself here, in and as ease, in oneness and equality, with life, where as within so without, the practical manifestation of a system that supports all life equally which will take many to deconstruct the walls of a system built by men, able to be deconstructed by men,  that is creating disease on this earth, to compose a system that takes freely given resources and distributes them to support all the organs parts of self as life, so that life can begin, so that heaven becomes one and equal to life here, as this is what we are as life, in separation through the allowance of a wall of judgement, the fire of the grid that is what is transposing life into and as discord with life so evident in the state of this earth within a system of profit/survival for the few and the health of this planet and the animals and people and plants existent within and on it.

I commit myself to standing and supporting a system of equality, an Equal Money System, as is the support of myself here as life.

I commit myself to realizing that I am a walking cyclops in and as an infinite spin of a judge as more than and less than, as perpetually blaming the objects surrounding me within my life, not realizing that this is self label, as self resistance as self as life which I have accepted and allowed in separation from my own oneness and equality as life, here.

I commit myself to deconstructing the halo of belief, opinion and idea, my own self allowed and accepted computer screen in and as my mind, to become one and equal to this self created and allowed composition of sound, as life substance, and to become a composition of myself as life, realizing my own oneness and equality within.

I commit myself to no longer allow any and all spite and blame and judgment to be taken personally as an attack, as this is only an attack on my own accepted and allowed separations, which will persist until I stop the resistance of myself as life.

I commit myself to developing - through the decomposition of my own accepted and allowed separations - equality, with the being of myself with and as the physical and my own accepted and allowed halo of beliefs, opinions , ideas, as thoughts, emotions and feelings, with drives of wants, needs and desires for these very separations that I have allowed myself to exist as mind, to bring myself back to earth, to myself as life, through and as myself manifest as life as the principle of oneness in equality so that life can begin.

I commit myself to heightening myself into and as what is freedom, that is myself in ease as equality with what I am, as what is here , as all that is here is myself, in the realization of myself as life here, to recognize that my own self within a state of fright, is myself resisting the gift of life, that which I am.

I commit myself to realizing my character of fright is my self resisting myself as life, where there is not choice but to apply the principle of oneness and equality and bring myself back into a common sense of seeing that what is here is all of me, one and equal.

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Day 21 My Story as a Widow

My Story as a Widow.

What happens when a great shock comes into one’s life? Where everything one has is lost, all the relationships are lost; friends, country, lifestyle, situation? By relationships I mean, the very people in your world, the binds what I had, all lost in one moment, no more apartment, no more husband, no more friends with whom I had spent years with with my small children, no more language, no more nothing. I was numb, I was in shock, as what numbness would be. Go and read about trauma and you will find that a person will chemically go into what is called shock, but what this  really is is that all relationships one has existed as are gone in one moment. They are simply no longer there.

It was like there was nothing to feel anymore. And I would talk to the people around me and say to them that I felt only indifference, that I was not feeling anything and that was not this curious, was there something wrong with me? But i did not really have this “feeling” that there was something wrong with me, I tried to find something to “feel” even drinking down a six pack of beer just to escape non-feeling. And the whole time I was watching my self. And it was as though the people I talked to who I said I was this thing of indifference never had a response, it was as though this statement of mine was not heard, I wondered why no one was hearing this. Can you imagine me saying, I am indifferent to everything, what is this?  Nothing, no response.

Mostly what I got was being told I needed a man, that this would settle everything, that in having a man, I would see what a “real” man would be, as my husband had not been a “real” man because he had hung himself from the rafters.

This made no sense to me. My marriage had been normal. My husband and I had been very comfortable sexually, my ten years of marriage in this area was enjoyable and comfortable and regular. Even after the children were born, we chose to be together, to sleep next to one another. Always. We even held hands, it was “natural” between “ us, we just gravitated to this. Even on the day he died we had done this. Though, even on this last day, I knew something was “wrong,” i had told him to be himself. I didn’t understand how the world worked, I had to lose everything to learn how this world worked. And this is the fate of all of us unless we stop and look, research and answer those questions that come up that ask why things are the way they are. There is no choice this has to be done. Each of us has the responsibility to research and understand this world, it is the ONLY way to ensure that what we have created never happens again. We have to look at those videos of abuse to animals, we have to look into the murder and rape and functioning of this money system, we have to let go of all ideas we have about this system, all righteous rants, as these righteous rants are e (ergy) roars/errors of our limited insight as to how and what and why what exists on this earth exists. Our roar, our words, our stances, what we are is the very thing causing the abuse of this world. Thus do we tell ourselves, as what we are, our actions that are the being of ourselves that is the creation of this world. We are all responsible. Our emotions and feelings are our separation from our responsibility as life, they are us not being life.

So, here I am. numb, feeling nothing, having lost my world in one moment. I am in another place, I am numb. My sister drags me out to socialize. This was within two months of my husbands death. I go.

I am sitting there at this table at a restaurant, a large table with many people around it. It is summer, big trees shade the table, there is a breeze. Normal life there. The premise is that Rebecca needs to socialize and find a man.

Meanwhile I was so numb it was all I could to to keep my self upright in my chair.

What happens next. Now remember I have lost everything, all emotional ties, all relationships, everything. So I am asa a nothing, no emotion, no feeling, no thought, just numb. Yet I am physically here at this table, aware that I am in shock and numb, of being like nothing.

This is when I noticed something so far fetched I kept this to my self, I mean who the fuck was I supposed to say something to? The shrinks just offered sympathy, and somehow this was not a solution.

Suddenly, it was like the space of everything in front of me switched, the very fabric of everything slowed down or “warped” or lost a shine or sheen, the light alters in some way. It seems really subtle but it is reality altering the space of here. Within this I am still sitting at this table and this is steady, I do not even have a thought of losing this. I am numbness, there are no associations here for me, I have lost them all.

I think it was the sound of the people speaking that I picked up first and then instantly all else followed. All those people around that table were not here, they were like looking at something, the very focus of their eyes was on something that was not here, and the words they spoke were engineered to draw attention to themselves, to become the subject of themselves to feed them as what they were seeing that was not them seeing here. And then there was this screen like thing in front of them, a bluish lighted thing. That was reality.

I quess I had lost mine. I was so numb, mine no longer existed for the moment, mine was no longer real, to I was numb. Within this I had no where to look, I had no emotions and feelings that I was bound to, and so, for a moment I was actually here, seeing what was here, I was no longer looking at my screen as it was gone, deconstructed through trauma. What I thought was that I was going crazy, what I said to my self was, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????” and “ Oh my fucking god, no one is here, everyone is following some fucked up “thing” and existing in some kind of vortex, where they want everyone to take on their subjects for them,” so to speak as the best way I know how to describe this.

I must be losing it, I must be really crazy. But in some way this makes so much sense, It fits with so much of how people are and what they do, and how they misunderstand one another, and how there is so much lack of communication, and how there is so much anger and and and and.

I kept this to my self, because I was afraid, I mean who was there to talk to, as I said before?

Just asking about my own indifference was ignored. But this would have been ignored if everyone  was reading their screens, my words would not have served the interests of subject orientation that is what people have become as reflections of their separation from here as they hid from their unresolved fears/separations from actually being here, this would be the very construct that desteni is talking about, they describe what this is in detail, and it makes so much sense!

There is nothing extra-ordinary in what happened to me, it is nothing special, it is the outcome of having lost everything, no longer having a place in a web of relationships and having to rebuild my life to fit into another scenario. In this space of numbness as no past and having to rebuild I stopped. I was looking outward to rebuild and here I had a moment where I could see what was happening in this world. If I was numb, the very chemistry of my human physical body in “numbness” meaning I had no emotion or feeling to exist as, I would see outside of emotion and feeling, and thus see the storm of emotion and feeling in others and the construction of this around others. To label this as crazy makes no sense, as it is simply what it is as what this world is. Perhaps, all the music I had played was the development of my self to sense a more subtle world, and this is why also in this moment this happened. Which means that this ability is developmental, that we are like a construct as this human physical body that is capable of being trained to be here, and we are also able to be programmed, to build a shield of “lights” we read that separate us from being here, actually realizing this physical world, this that we are that is the substance of life, that has been constructed into a bubble of believed support that is really just a separation from substance as life.

There is so much to clean up, and it must start with ourselves. What happened to me was not “special” was not a mirage, it was what would happen to the loss of everything one had believed to be what should be built to exist in this world, and the developmental capacity of the human being. RIght here in front of us. We have separated ourselves from the substance of life. And this is reality that we have created.  We have become e(nergy)go robots and we cannot see it.

Will it take us losing everything to see this?

This is what is going to happen. Either this or we clean this up through forgiving this bubble that is broadcasts of mind, unresolved un accepted awareness of life.. It is like we deny what is so forgiving as life, we deny the substance of ourselves that is supportive.

Before this, when I knew something was wrong with my husband, I kept saying to him that all he had to do is be himself, that what he believed he had to be was not going to help him. When he died, a while afterwards I stopped one day and said, fuck, I am going to have to be and become what i was telling him to be and become. And I realized I had no idea how to do this. but I knew the answer had to be here, right in front of me. So I kept looking and looking, and getting caught up in things and then walking away, and then looking some more. And then I found desteni, and the process of self forgiveness.

I still do not have a “man, “ I can’t do it. I cannot and will not support an ego, it is like supporting death, it is too unbearable. It is like watching someone die. And when I point this out, the men run away, or pretend to acquiesce because they don’t want to lose the sex. And ironically, the men my age begin to lose their ability to have erections ( now you understand the story of Mrs. Robinson)

and run away in fear. 

I have had carpenters come to my house, and immediately the whole unspoken sex thing comes up, only to end in irritation voiced by the male. I am not complying to the structure of what they want, a structure that maintains the un-faced fear as the subject that consumes to the point where the penis has no more energy to be what a penis is. And it is done to self. Ego is self destruction and cannot be supported, can only be used to realize what it is that is limiting self and the blueprint for the application of self forgiveness, to sound the words to remove the screen that is self separating self from life.

Clean up yourself as what has been accepted and allowed so that ending up with losing everything is not how this is realized as what has been accepted and allowed. There is no reason for the existence of suicide, and if you have any “feelings and emotions” about this forgive them, sympathy is useless, it is only the pathology  of an addiction and justification for emotions and feelings that are the indicators of separation from life, a life lived in the subject of not accepting life as all as one as equal. Discover life, forgive yourself and face the illusion of your fears manifest as your ego. There is no other choice.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what I believe as mind is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear and to believe that this fear is real, to run from a sensation of shaking within my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that anxiety within my self is my fear, and that this anxiety can be walked through and realized for what it is, a fear of unworthiness  and that something will be lost, when all that will be lost is an emotion looked at and recognized for what it is, a separation from equality, the realization that what I believe is supportive is just a personality fearful of survival in a system accepted and allowed that demands survival as the use of money to support desires of more than and less than, the very reflection of what i am as ego in fear of becoming one and equal to all life, as I judge this world within a context of more than and less than as the very lessons of division learned as a child from parents stuck in the same state of separation from life, where I was taught to be a persona to fit into this world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must be punished for what i have accepted and allowed, not realizing that such an act is the perpetuation of the separation from my self as equal and one to life as this is what I am because I am here, thus I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I had to create a persona, to hide my fears, to hide what I have not faced, to become a fixed expression in and as a singular emotion and feeling  to connect with this world, where in fact all I am doing is hiding my self from my self and depressing the very life of my self manifest in  becoming bored with this world, as I have limited the very expression of my self and created and supported a world that limits the means of self expression as i have existed in singular relationships separate from an awareness of the whole of existence and thus separated my self from what is best for all, and that this is best for self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the very malfunctioning of my human physical body is a replication of my separation from myself as life, where I have constricted the very flow of life in and through my human physical body, creating knots of compounded “un-flow” of life, where slowly but surly the lack of flow interrupts the functioning of my human physical body where I believe that drugs will alleviate this knot when In fact no drug can alter this as I must self realize what I have accepted and allowed in fear, as judging my world within a context of more than and less than, and thus limited perception of the very fabric of existence as the substance of life that is what all is one and equal to me as life, as I am life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that facing this is too much, when there is no other choice and this must be done, and that considering how long I have lived seven years is nothing in comparison.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not want to see the screen to fear the very idea that there is a screen in front of my eyes and that I have spent my self as life building this screen and that because all I see is this screen I can’t even fathom that it exists, and unless I face this, it will be faced in the loss of everything I have believed my self to be, and the shock of this could be so great that I may dispearse my self to such an extent I will only make this process, that must be cleaned up, even greater than need be, as I an here, and I have the opportunity to discover my self as life and become that which I am one and equal to life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so overwhelmed with thinking about money and survival that to turn my self from this and create an objective view seems impossible yet, this must be done, as this is, in common sense the only way to get a handle on the situation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am too old and that there is too much compounded with and as me, not realizing that perhaps this is an illusion of the mind, to fuck with me, another excuse, another justification.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately go into breath the moment I feel any physical constriction and to see how I am constricting within and as my self as this constriction is the stuff to forgive, to see and realize and forgive, and at first the resistance will be great, where resistance is an indication of transcending this act within my self of self denial as life, where I actually exist as self dishonesty and lose self trust and the capacity to direct my self as I allow my self to be directed by energy, by emotion and feeling, the separation into and as fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to  wallow in compassion for others, and not to breath and walk through this, to stop this as all that I am, as ONLY what i am, and not to look at the self as life and see solution, and realize that it will take research and time to see and realize solution, yet there is life, that is equality, that is the principle of all as one as equal, the principle of giving as one would like to receive, thus the tools are here, thus there is nothing to fear, as the equalizing of life and the stopping of separation has the principle of equality and oneness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the habit, the addiction to righteous justification of my persona, which in reality is my self living in a dream of my past as support of my self where I have created an entity of relationships that are singular and separate from, and thus a form of separation, the being of my self as oneness in equality that which I search for, yet is right here in front of myself, yet I have woven an illusion as image as the means to an end, not realizing that this idea as image is the constriction of my self away from my self as life, as being and living the principle of oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that what I seek in others is what I have separated my self from as my self, believing I am not this, when - as I am life one and equal to all life, in fact this, yet the persona of what I believe my self to be is limiting my self from allowing my self from being as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I judge it is my self fearing losing something, that which I support my self as, and ironically nothing will be lost, and what will be gained is a capacity to transform within and as life, in my own expression in and as life, as what I do is not what i am, it is how i am within what I do that is me being the principle of oneness in equality without resistance to my self as life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not see the moment I become spite, I am blaming an object and trying to ignore and destroy this object as this represents what I have separated within my self from, to not face what I fear I cannot be, or what i fear will destroy my persona and thus myself, when this persona is the destruction of my self, and that this is the mind, that I have allowed to become me, and imbed within me, where i am literally “in bed” with my own accepted and allowed and constructed persona as belief opinion and idea of my self that is a limitation and separation of my self from life, in essence i have created a bed of separation, and the state of my human physical body reflect this.

I commit my self to using the tools of self forgiveness, writing and self corrective application, within and as the principle of oneness in equality the principle of loving my neighbor as my self to bring my self back to life, to forgive the self created persona of my self and to while within this process not to take anything personally, as I am a construction in this physical as life,and all that need be done is to align my self with life, as being self pity, blame, justification is all only more of the same thing that created this mess in the first place, where had I accepted my self as life in the first place non of this would have happened, and that If I choose to not do this I am spiting life, and thus only creating more of the same, thus this is not a solution no matter how hard I fight this, it is not a solution.

I commit my self to breath, to breathing as this is the only thing that is real, as this is the physical here, and all the storms of the mind cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, and yes, these storms must be faced and cleaned up, one by one by one, as this was not constructed in a day, and will take time to deconstruct, yet while I deconstruct i will see what I have accepted and allowed and thus be able to direct others to do this for themselves.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to  fear acknowledgment of what I have accepted and allowed within and as my self.

I commit my self to facing what i have accepted and allowed as the separation of my self from my self as life, to in this moment realizing the judgements and desires I have accepted and allowed that are causing my legs to have pain and sensations of  pins and needles  as the breath of life has been denied through my own acceptances and allowances, and as I clean this up the breath of life will slowly return as it has done within my back as my back feel lighter and more flexible, where i had to really face the constriction I had accepted and allowed and accept my self as life, to stop a belief that I was unworthy and then to face what I had accepted and allowed throughout my life as having existed as such and restricted my self as life in fear of some discovery of what i believed my self to be that was not real and only a belief, and even here I must remain in breath and not fear actually breathing in to my human physical body, as I realize within this process that I was not even really breathing into my self, that my breath was shallow, that I was not even aware of the extent that I was not really breathing, and that this indicates how separate I am from my self as life, this simple act of breathing will show how un breathing i am here within and as my human  physical body, and where there are health practices that actually get people to breath , as we are aware of the fact that we are not breathing and that health needs breath, thus everything is already here to assist and support us, that it is only not-doing that is the limitation at this point.

I commit my self to breath , to breathing through anxiety, to facing this anxiety and forgiving this.

I commit my self to stopping in every moment and becoming breath before, steady and calm.

I commit my self to breathing, and self forgiveness and corrective application, to remove all emotions, thoughts and feelings, so that I become what I am, aligned with and as life, as the principle of oneness in equality to build a world that is best for all, to bring heaven onto earth where suicide need not exist, as this is a denial of life, a constriction of self  into frustration and anger at how this world exists, where such anger and frustration can compound to the point where there is so much pain in the human  physical body that migraine head aches can cause a person to want to die to get away from the pain, yet what was the acceptance and allowance of this pain, that was not realized and forgiven was also the cause and that sympathy, though not in itself “bad or good” and a non understanding of how this world works in totality in not an acceptable excuse, and all must be done by every individual ( in divided duality as mind, polarities of more than and less than, energy addictions that move from less to more as this is the nature of energy as polarity seeking to perpetuate itself) to be faced and realized as what has been accepted and allowed, within this I breath and I clean up this mess within my self one breath at a time.

I commit my self to breath, to earth to the principle of oneness in equality, here as I am life, and I will become/allow with respect life, by becoming that in all due respect.

desteni

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Self Perfection is self direction.