Day 273 Fear Of speaking Imagination Dimension

The other night I had this dream. I woke up and thought someone was walking around my house with a flashlight. I suddenly realized that this was not what was happening, that this “light” was somehow coming from me. It was like following the source of the light all the way back to myself. Like an inversion process, through what creates an imagination. All I can say, is that image of something walking around my house with a flashlight remains, and it seems real, but it is not. There was no one there, there was just me, waking up from sleep.
This has a quality of not looking, and if I am not looking how can I speak? I cannot speak if I am not looking. And the projection has not substance, thus it is limited, and so will my words be limited. My words will describe the projection and not what is alive, what is here, thus my words will reflect what is not in touch with reality, what is here, instead my words will be about something less substantive than what is here, what is real, this physical world.
Thus, must I face all the beliefs, opinions and ideas, as the very limited culture within which I was raised, to realize how i have separated myself form here, into and as ideas in separation from accepting in totality what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the very projections as thought as opinion, belief and idea of what is the story here, as how life moves, not seeing realizing and understanding that what is here, as what has been allowed to exist on earth, is not at ease, and thus not aligned with and as life, as life would be a state of ease, and what is on earth as the system at present is not a system that creates ease on the face of this earth, thus what is the face of this earth, is not equal and one with and as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the memories of myself as a child, as to how I began to perceive myself are based on judgements, as limited values taken out of the context of life, the substance of life, and made huge, such limited values then misaligned with the substance of life, creating polarities within judgement, as judgement delineates a supposed good and bad, ignoring the depths, as ignoring what is same, as the starting point as all being of the substance of life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how I have built imaginations, as justifications, as superimposing stories that tell of belief, opinion and idea, and thus are projections and not myself aligned equal and one to the physical world, as the physical is composed of the substance of life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe in the comparisons, existent within our society as the limited singular ideas presented, made within my childhood, all based on face values that distorted and warped reality into limited values, and thus separating from life, separating from being directive as life, separating the expression of life into limited values, causing frustration and lack of all life expression, causing disease and instability here on earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am less than the values within my family, that I lack, where some I lack and others I do not, within what is a selection of limited values, and the behaviors that maintain the limited values, as these limited values adhere to a system of profit based on limited values for control, having separated from life, where the value is being life, and thus no one value is more than another, as the value is life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand in absolute clarity how I have separated myself form being here, equal and one to and as life, as the physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have conformed to the limited value system presented, in order to survive.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that in order to accept limited values, I had to deny myself as life, a crime so huge that the only way was to only look at the separation and turn this into a “positive” polarity, which in essence was placing a happy face on my own separation, my own judgement of a limitation being bigger than life, and such all longing is really for myself as life, all sadness is myself realizing what i have done, and since i have allowed the limited value to be what I am, I no longer am aware of myself as life, and must walk back through all accepted and allowed separations into and as judgement, as limited values, and realign myself back to and as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as not fitting into limited values.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that a set of limited values determine what i am here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that existing within limited beliefs as the beacon for direction, I separate myself from realizing myself as life, directing myself equal and one towards, and as, what is best for all, where the separation, as the limitation, as the judgement of more than or less than, I compound as the limited values, comparing myself to such limitations as my starting point, and end up rushing as I chase the image and likeness of a judgment as a limited value, manifesting as behaviors of anxiousness and fear, as separation from life, in a vertiginous quality as fear, and thus does my judgement remain in and as me, manifesting in dreams, showing me my own story of separation, where this becomes so personified in and as what I believe I am, that I become completely separated from reality, and thus if all men on earth are this, the system of men, at present, is an act of separation from what is real, from what is substantive, from what is life, ignorant of this life and how this life in fact functions, and thus destructive of this earth, which is what is presently existent on this earth, as the profit is based on beliefs, opinions and ideas in separation from valuing all life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I become angry , I am in essence being a personification of what I chase as an idea, that is separate from myself as life, in equality and oneness as life, a judgement wanting to be a “force” of more than, which is an act of less than, as this is taking apart/ a part of reality and losing self as life, being what self as life is within being one and equal to what is here that is real which is the actual physical world, and within this to become one and equal to and as the very substance as the sound of equality and oneness, the silence of this, which moves in self trust within what is best for all, fearing no loss, as self as life is the value.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that myself as life can stop and breath, remain here, as here is life, use common sense within investigating what is best for all, remaining with what is good, and directing within and as what is directive within what is best for all, here.
I commit myself to, when and as I find myself becoming anxious, to see, realize and understand that such anxiousness is myself chasing an idea, belief, or opinion, a “more than” based on the limited value system taught within family and culture, nationality and an existential system of inequality, thus a system that does not support life, should such a system exist, then earth would be at ease, and it is not, thus the only way is for earth , this collective of men, to stop and to breath, and to slow down, to investigate the rejection of self as life, as what self longs for, through realizing all judgements as thoughts, emotions and feelings being the voice of separation into and as a more than projection inacceptance of a less than fear within a system of survival, as being separate from self as life, and thus separate from self direction in self honesty, equal and one to and as life.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that imagination reflects what I accept and allow, thus this is a reflection, so, within this, my imagination cannot determine my self direction unless I allow it to become what is reality as I only believe this, even in the face of common sense of how this reality, as this physical earth, in fact moves itself, directs itself, which is done by the physical, thus I slow myself down, I breath, I realize my mind is the voice of what I chose to see here, where I can allow myself to become this projection, this personification, or realize this for what it is, and to stop, and to bring myself back into and as breath, to realize the physical as what is real, an once this is practiced, to begin to see realize and understand the present systems without, and to investigate, and to understand that the present system is a manifestation of the mind as consciousness, the reflection, believed by men to be what is real, and so, the cause for what is in effect a massive misalignment causing abuse on earth, destruction on earth to plant, animal, children, humans, all constructed around a mind projection, and thus self interest from a starting point of self inner-rest in separation from what is real, which is life, which is what supports, which is what is forgiving, and so, I stand equal and one to and as breath, to realize separation into and as mind, and bring myself back to live and become what I am, life, here, as it is only here that I can direct myself.

                                                     Desteni I Process Lite

Day 253 Imagination Dimension Abdication Character

Imagination Dimension Abdication Character
When teaching children to play the violin, I would notice a change in focus, where self direction and attention were strong, in that things moved with more ease and immediate recognition.
I remember one girl, who was beginning to develop this, it was strong within her. And then in the next lesson she arrived wearing a dainty handbag/purse. I think the strap was a gold colored chain. I knew it was over, I had seen this before. The transition. The girly world had caught her attention, and unless the parents made note of this, she was going to fade and never return. Which is what happened. And it is hard to watch.
It is not that wanting to be a girl is bad, it is that this consumes and other areas are left behind. If it does not fit the picture, as what our society promotes, as personification of women, then it is more than likely left behind. The bling, the seeming enchanting image of the princess, the woman, is taken on with gusto, at the exclusion of all else.
What are our children focusing themselves into and as, within such limited designs? And is the personifications promoted within the figurines, as the very toys of play in childhood the beginning of such limited focus? What is promoted is a boy within war games and financial games, and with women the princess waiting for the knight, even the knight beneath the beast, where continues kindness and compassion and service to the beast will eventually bring out the man, the real man, and then the maiden will be saved. And the journey of putting up with the beast is commended. It seems an abuse coupled with a truth in some way, I mean abuse is abuse, let’s not elaborate it, justify it with with a patience in of supposed “good behavior.”
This is where the principle of oneness and equality comes in. What is best for all is best for all, period. There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s, period.
Spending time respecting anything else is really saying it is okay to follow through with a tantrum in self interest, and the tantrum is not being what is best for all. Any justifications to the contrary need be looked at immediately and simply stopped. Practice makes perfect. Digression is digression is digression. Let’s start calling a spade a spade, and not molly coddle the tantrums of our illusions.
A little girl of twelve or thirteen, suddenly taking the play of dress up out into the world, at the exclusion of everything else is limited. There is no way around this.
And we wonder why our children lack the kind of focus that brings success for all children within learning to use language and simple arithmetic in our schools. Could it be the very way in which what we have made huge, that is limited by design, what we uphold as personifications of self within education and media and family generational character values? These are a focusing onto something, and not the practice of self direction within a purpose that considers all life, and self as the same substance as life, as what is here. This is limited consideration, and even here, not everyone has the financial means to even live out what is the proposal of this monetary system, as what it promotes ( which collectively we all allow), thus presenting the unattainable for many. And what kind of behaviors would this create? Frustration? Dismay? Anger?
And then, ways and means of profiting on this inevitable lack are created. Prisons, where the prisoner of turned into a commodity for someone’s pension and another’s dividend. Instead of looking at the causation, what is looked at is how to profit from the consequence of this lack of development. Remember, let’s call a spade a spade. No tantrum of justification here, no sticky spinning of a spider web of protection against not looking at that spade as being a spade. Unerring humility in remaining steadfast within the principle of what is best for all, in thought, word and deed, with every breath is the only solution. Anything else is an imagination within self abdication, where the self abdication is protection and defense of the limited values learned as what has been accepted and allowed on this earth, as a tantrum of not wanting to look at the fact that a spade is a spade. The behavior of irritation is a behavior of not looking. The behavior of anger is not looking. The behavior of lust is not looking. The behavior of fear is not looking. Looking and focusing on here, moves with ease. Just as these children who had begun to focus from within, which is visible in a movement within playing the violin, with ease, where one small direction given in detail was more often than not immediately grasped, as though the focus was one and the same as an awareness of an ability to see the notes, and the physical body, and the sound being produced. Interesting, that with the very sound it was immediately noticeable how focused the child was.
And if this is visible as what I have noticed, then would not this be true with all people in all situations? And even within this, I am sure I lack awareness as to the extent within which this is possible. But the other way, the handbag on the shoulder ONLY presentation, is limited. It is a copy cat existence serving a profit system that promotes limited personifications to control ownership of the human in self interest. And we are all playing along unless we stop and realize what is best for all is best for self, as self is part of an organism called earth, and thus, would not self, allowed to be what self is as life, then find a place within this organism? I mean, nature is now coming up with super viruses to balance the earth out and rid itself of what is destructive, so this organism knows what is best for itself, and what the human is practicing and allowing on earth is not what is best for this planet. The human is not aware of itself as life, is not focused as itself as life, is not listening, is not looking, is only pretending within a superimposed dream of limited design.
So, within this, within myself, what imaginations have I accepted and allowed to distract the focus of myself here? Where am I not sounding myself clearly as life, where am I in separation from myself as life, where the very sound i make comes out thin and unfocused?
Where is my behavior not clear and steady, here and focused, without fear and doubt?
What commercial bling do I allow to distract me?
What is it within my own desires, wants and needs, are based on beliefs that really do not serve the purpose of what is best for all?
What do I fear in standing in common sense as what is best for all?
And in this day and age on earth, is there any more time to wait patiently for the beast to “get over it” ? No.
Anything that takes self away form focusing on what is here, in common sense is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that the thoughts reeling around, in and as my mind, are one and the same as what is promoted through education, media and the limited values within family as survival tactics, where not all are to be seen as good or bad, as some are of a truth yet coupled with ignorance of what is here on earth in totality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that as within so without, where what reels in and as my mind, is as much a halographic as the halographic images presented within television, media, societal behaviors, educational systemic inability to focus the human into and as being specific and clear within an understanding of self able to focus self as life and direct self as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look in detail as to how the mind works and how the present system on earth functions, to see, realize and understand the structure and form of what has been accepted and allowed by men on this earth, to understand that what is here is a tiered organization of values in separation from what is equal and one, in and as what all existent is as the very substance of, which is life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings are a construct of accumulated beliefs that originate from a fear of standing as self as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have emotions of self pity as I compare myself to what is presented as the “perfect” feminine form, fearing that I will not be able to survive unless I become this, and/or within this , to seek another value to become the support of myself here, such as believing that becoming an intellectual will bring survival success, which I then parade through purchasing my own comfort and security without standing up and realizing that all on this earth is the same as myself and thus why are not all existing within comfort and ease within and as self expression in and as life?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how I have abdicated myself as life, into and as thinking only of my own survival without realizing that self interest within my own survival can never be stable, as there can be no stability or real life expression until all life on earth, as a single organism, is stable and supported within and as the value being life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to displace myself into and as limited personifications in oder to survive instead of asking myself the question as to why such projection exist instead of remaining here equal and one with what is physically here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that even within realizing I am play acting in order to survive, the guilt and shame within this, this that i hide and run from, is a separation from directing myself as what is best for all, as self direction as self as life, is this, and exists in and as a state of ease, thus, it is for myself to forgive myself for the “milk I have spilled” as guilt and shame and to stand and become life and to realign myself as life, equal and one, which means existing within and as what is best for all in humility, with no desire for gain and at the moment, a careful common sensical self direction within what is best for all, as at present the current system does not support life, and thus must the current system be stood up within and directed within what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the mind in fact functions on a quantum level, where the mind takes pictures laced with what is presented, and what is presented serves an agenda in self interested survival only with an ignorance of what is the source and substance of what is here as this physical world, equal and one in all existent which is life, where television commercials distort reality in favor of a limited viewpoint and thus draw attention to an agenda in self interest for the support of a few, where television could be used to bring life, as the human, back to self as life, here, thus it is not what is here as it is how what is here is used in self interest, thus is a limited design presented in ignorance of the totality of life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my own guilt and shame within and as fear of standing as myself as life, will take some practice as I have not been taught to move as myself as life , here, having taken on the present limited system of values, and attempted to use this for my own survival, and when it worked I was feeling better than those around me, and when it did not work, I went into self pity, shame, spite and blame, anger and fear, and thus only went from one polarityto another in separation from focusing on what is actually physically here in and as life, as I allowed myself to exist as mind only.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have realized the halo-graphic spinning of thoughts in and as my mind, as being of limited values, and in paying attention/obeisance to this, I was in fact fearing to stand as myself as life, here, to focus myself in and as life here.
I forgive myself myself for allowing and accepting myself to have feared standing as myself as life, in fear of losing friends, losing family, losing survival - as in having money, losing security and comfort ( which in common sense at the moment, to not realize that not having money means I will be unable to stand within this system to make a change- thus it is to use what i am here within common sense to be directed within and as what is best for all as creating a system that supports all life - so that life can begin), losing some idea of myself as a “face value” only, and within this to see that that which stands the test of time, meaning that which is constant and stable, is myself as life, where the irony is that that which I fear is that which is eternal.

I commit myself to, when and as I sense a heaviness in and as emotion and feeling, to stop and to breath, and to bring myself here, to look at the details of what is physically here, and to direct myself within and as moving within the principle of what is best for all.
I commit myself to , when and as I imagine being criticized as I had been as a child, to stop and to breath, and to see, realize and understand how the mind works, and how this present system of inequality functions, to no longer allow myself to participate within a self destructive belief within an endgame emotion, and to forgive the limitation as such a belief of less than, and to direct myself in common sense of what is physically here.
I commit myself to seeing  , realizing and understanding that within myself within self abdication, I exist within shame based on beliefs and ideas that are a endgame, which is a belief within a fear/survival mind set, as existing within fear/survival all that is seen is death, and thus a lack of understanding of the substance of life, of a real faith in life, where being here equal and one as life means respecting life as the physical, and any and all transformations inherent within and as life, as such transformations would be done in awareness as life would not deny itself awareness, as the nature of life would be full participation and full potential reached, and thus what is here, within destruction of this earth is not life, as suicide is not life, dis-ease is not life, life would expression.
I commit myself to no longer fear the presentation of a judgment, an endgame, a limitation, an aspect made huge, as what I was led to believe as a definition of myself as a child and as a woman, a mother, a widow, as the personalities of my own warped reality, which I accepted and allowed in self abdication as life within a fear/survival system, to see, realize and understand the petrification of life here on earth by men, in thought, word and deed as belief, opinion and idea, in media and education, in gender play and culture formation and to stop and to breath and to stand within the principle of oneness and equality, here, and within this to direct myself within what is best for all.
I commit myself to, when and as I abdicate my self as life into such an allowance of myself as shame, blame or spite, to see, realize and understand in what way, as my thoughts, words and deeds, as direction and reaction, from my self or - as what is me without- to realize what values are made huge within utilizing contextual social values as a support in self interest within what is taught as a means of survival within behavior, to not take it personally, but to realize such self interested within a fear/survival system behavioral teachings/tactics and to take this back to self and realign within and as what is best for all, as this is the choice, the only choice, in and as support of all life in consideration as equal and one to and as myself here to be eternally in support of life, where life is the value, equal and one as what I am.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that to abdicate myself as life is to allow ideas, opinions and beliefs supporting constructs of more than and less than, as limited values placed in a system where man is a more-than in relation to this earth, where divisions within this separation continue such more- than scenarios, as societal behaviors within class, gender, race, culture, on which taboos of moving beyond proper behaviors are accepted and allowed, to see, realize and understand that many of the reactive fears within and as my imagination journeys of impending doom and gloom have no real basis within and as being able to support all life, consider all life, as life being the value, and that such emotional/feeling storms as a collection of thoughts based on beliefs, opinions and ideas are fearing the survival suit of taught behaviors in separation from life, from equality and oneness in and as life, here, where the mind as an image tool has been used by each individually to hide from facing self as life, and in replication of this inner allowance by men, into and as a system without that repeats what is held as what self believes self is, as personification, as a warped reality of values, divided and separated and limited and them blanketed onto and as all men, accepted and allowed by men, this construct a nature of more than and less than, which is the behavior of mankind on an organism of life, as earth, where man is in total separation from this earth as a manifestation of life, here.

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Day 244 Christmas Past

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become overwhelmed with the whole Christmas holiday.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel ashamed that I did not have enough money in my life to buy really expensive presents for all my siblings and my children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself as being less than within gift giving, and to make another more than myself according to what kinds of gifts were bought.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make the value of money greater than myself as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to search out impressive finds in thrift stores and flea markets, to impress and thus turn myself into a more than as being thrifty and sophisticated and able to find things of supposed value instead of walking into the mall and buying some decorative item from a big name shop.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to make comments about my older sister’s lack of gift giving and to have made myself seem more than, within myself giving to others and not only myself, as though I was more generous than my sister, which made my sister less than in her giving, as I judged her giving as being in self interest only, which in a way was more in the true spirit of consumerism, as I pretended to being good through gift giving.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become anxious pre-Christmas day in preparation of gift purchasing , where I had to face traffic and crowded stores and finding things for others, where the whole process seemed more of an ordeal than actual joy within and as giving, where I did not stop and look at what I was actually doing, as I agreed with what was presented by the present culture without questioning, or if I did question, I feared the repercussions should I not participate, thus I allowed the potentialjudgement of others to determine my actions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have not seen realized and understood the undercurrent of despair and gloom I have felt these last days, during this season, as for years the same pressures were lived and thus within this I did not realize the resonance of the past present within and as my physical behavior, and the fears I was living, the anxiety as many past memories were coming up and all i could do was breath and try and remain stable without participating within and as this.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood that in the last two weeks I have had thoughts about my dead husband and that second Christmas after his death, where I dragged myself through Christmas, I felt so heavy and sad, I could not figure out what Christmas was about, and felt like it was all some kind of a dream that made no sense to me, as it seemed there was some kind of hole, as though something was out of wack - so to speak, where even the lights in the rooms seemed heavy and weird to me, to the point where i remember thinking how am I going to make it through this?
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how difficult it has been to read in these last days, where i have had to slow way down and read things very slowly, as though it is really hard to concentrate on things, on words, like they just seem to swim by and I cannot take them in, which is a lot like how I felt during the second Christmas after my husband’s death, where - now come to think of it- I actually have caught myself thinking of my husband a lot suddenly, of late.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I started to question everything, even within the university course I was in after my husband’s death, as I had decided when i was trying to help M, when I told him that he had to be himself, that after he died I stopped one day and said to myself that i had to be what i had told him he had to be, that I had to become this and I knew that this was going to be really fucking hard and that I had no idea how I was going to do this, and I suppose what is bothering me now is that I feel like I am failing in this, even though i also know I can’t do this for him, that I can only do this for myself, but when I said this to myself, I knew it was not going to be easy. to actually be myself- but it had to be shown and it seems too daunting at this moment, because i have not done what I said to myself I had to do, and this Christmas time, and this memory, is like how I felt, as what my physical self is and feels like now, like I walk in a world of molasses, like nothing makes any sense as I am allowing myself to become confused within a habit of non-looking, which causes confusion and thus a physical sensation of being stagnant and stuck.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become less than being myself here, in and as a belief that I am less than myself as life, as what i was saying to M was that he was less than life, even though I did say to him that he was gentle and that this was a strength, and that he had to prove nothing, and that his mother’s personality was such that it matched more with his brother but that this did not mean he was less than his brother.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I could see in some limited way what was happening within the relationships within M’s family, yet I did not understand the extent to which such things compounded resonantly, and thus even though in some “intellectual way” this could be somewhat understood the consequences of thought as self judgement were not realized, and that perhaps going to a mental health expert would have benefitted M, yet I did not trust psychiatry, as I grew up within the summer vacation land of the New York Jewish Psychiatrist, and all the children of these so called professionals were so messed up to the point where they had nasty behaviors of stuffing whole roles of toilet paper into a toilet, clogging the toilet, I mean really, which if looked at, perhaps such mental health experts were more productive with patients than family.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand within this experience of myself not having caught onto how I in these last days was existing as within and as past experiences as memory, of judgement within a belief in loss and aloneness, and sudden life change, that the grief I was within and as this, within not understanding what I am as a mind consciousness system, where energetic resonances of past grief in and as a belief of loss, remain within and as me, possessing me, as this is a past without understanding and equalizing to and as life, and thus this remains, where the whole christmas scenario triggers the past, specifically with an image of myself looking at a christmas tree, and the thoughts have come up in the last few days, which is how the mind works in tandem with accepted and allowed beliefs about life that are limited and unaware of the totality of of how the mind/physical relationship functions here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that “down or up” moods are energetic experiences of the past as mis-understanding of self as life, of self being equal and one to and as life, thus is self forgiveness and investigation of belief, opinion and idea necessary to lighten self of accumulated past experiences of limited insight which creates judgements ignorant of self as life, as this limited insight is what is propagated within the present profit based system of inequality, where what we are inwardly as manifested this existence of inequality to and as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have seen realized and understood, as the weight of this seemed to creep up slowly, that I had an undercurrent of Christmases past, just like the story of Scrooge, where the Christmases past were catching up and creating consequences for the future unless Scrooge changed, made a change, where this is a story of the effects of behavior as belief in time, and yet it is a shame that this is not used within the context of all life, where what exists in earth as what exists within extreme lack and denial as what is needed as life, is not looked at and realized within all life, and not only placed into a story about one man, which is to say the story of Scrooge is the story of all on earth, of how all on earth has been treated, and thus does the human need to look at all consequences of actions of ignorance of what is the value as life, as all life here, and stop and start to support all life, or the consequences are one and the same as the potential of Scrooge/capitalism unless he changes his ways and realizes the value is life, thus are the answers here, and have always been here, it is only the possession and obsession within and as self interest within survival, as fear of death within ignoring the value being life that has caused a denial of the right to life, where denial of life to one thing on this earth is to deny self life, which means separation into an idea as being something greater than life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel sad that I had to have a Christmas alone without a husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed with emotion and feeling from a past of believing myself to be less than because i judged my Christmas Holiday as lacking meaning because I was alone, where it really seemed as though none of it made any sense.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize in detail the senselessness of Christmas, where I actually was having the same response i had when I stood in front of Mr, Jordace offering a teenage girl a bowl of coke to snort, where i became angry and emotional and had a scene in my head of wanting to smash that bowl of coke on that fancy glass table in that high-rise apartment, so, come to think of it, this is not too different within how i felt that second Christmas after the death of my husband, where the whole scene seemed a charade to me, and I was sad, yet I did not know how to put all this together, just as I did not quite know how to put it all together when an old rich industrialist was trying to buy a teenager with stimulating and addicting drugs.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt sad within and idea that Christmas would never be the same without my husband.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt physically heavy and sad around Christmas, with all the gift giving competition and judgement, within self interest and ego, to punish myself as having less value within and as the shocks as belief that another was somehow more than myself within what gifts were given.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand all these egotistical emotions within and as judging myself as less than and more than, within comparison and competition, as separation, creating friction and conflict within competing limited values maintaining ideas with self determination within self interest which fears change and transformation having based self on singular values rejecting self as life.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what was happening at Christmas after the death of my husband was similar to what i experienced within the modeling industry, where life was ignored in favor of ideas as personifications as image in separation from life.

When and as I find myself slowing down and physically becoming heavy where i find I have a hard time reading what is here, within words and behaviors of others, and the existential conditions as consequences seem non sensical, and I want to react in anger, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that I am participating within ignorance of life, and that within this I am allowing myself to become confused.
When and as I find myself no longer being able to move here, to read what is here, as I become more irritable and angry, which is fearful, I stop and I breath, and I realize i have accepted and allowed a behavior of not looking - a habit, of not seeing, as I fear being judged and punished, called names and criticized, thus within this I stop and I breath, and I realize that what is here is more of the same as the fear I am allowing and accepting as being an answer to this fear through the acceptance of ignorance within the behaviors of humanity as the celebratory occasions idolizing a positive alternate reality, creating some weird and warped imaginary submissive world to escape this actual physical world, be it a holiday celebration or an escape into sex.
When and as i find myself becoming lethargic and slow, meaning overwhelmed within and as my world , I stop and I breath and I look to what is physically real, as much as i am able, to realize the happy face existence is a band aid to cover the self hurt within separation from myself as life, here.
When and as I find myself becoming heavy within my movements as processing here, I stop and I breath, and I see realize and understand that resonant memories of survival within family first/ before life and all the competitions existent within for attention/survival, creating friction and conflict , ignorance and supposed bliss in a here -after make believe world, I stop and i breath and I realize, see and understand that what i fear is being myself as life, here.

Day 221 Behavoirs of conjecture

My sons would have friends over to the house. Sometimes the behaviors were unacceptable. I would want to make a statement that this, or that friend was no longer allowed at the house. I would also feel quilt about this, and also get behaviors from my children as a consequence. Reactions of anger. So, I had to try and explain. Eventually, I got the the point where I would say that the friend had many qualities that were fine; for instance one friend would play a lot of guitar, and he taught my son to play - this was fine. Then I would go onto explain that it was some of his behaviors that I found unacceptable, it was the emotional storms the friend would go into that were not only unacceptable but dangerous. This one friend tended to brake things in the house, in some kind of reckless abandon. So, I told my son, that I could not let this behavior into the house, as it was a behavior that was not in the best interests of my son…. as well.
I even talked with the boy one time and tried to get him to see this. But it did not stop.
Needless to say, one night the boy took my car and drove himself home, without asking. These are the kinds of things this child did. At the moment, when my son is home, this other boy is not here. He has been cast out from being allowed in the house. He would come and apologize, but then, inevitably come and do something like this again.

With this boy, most of the time, he was polite, in that he would say hello, sometimes come and talk to me, we even played together a couple of times. But then suddenly, it was like he was possessed with a desire for something, like he was afraid he was going to lose something. And then the reckless anger ( perhaps ALL anger is reckless!) would take some action and something would be broken, and he would go running out into the yard breaking things. Something was obviously bothering him and whatever it was he had to get it under control.

Some “ idea” had become his state of mind, lol, his state of being as mind, as a limited sense, caught up in some desire to placate his fear of some loss needing justification within some kind of attention.

A noun, can also be a state of being. A thing. So a person becomes a state of being, within desire, want or need, as behavior, driven by the e(ergy)motion to meet that supposed “need”, so possessed, what is here is forgotten. And it has nothing to do with what is actually here. ( Unless ofcourse, you are a starving child, starving because some “states” within this world, like the United STATEs, believe themselves to be in need, so possessed by their own consumerism that a perpetual tantrum exists within want that this possessions ignores what is actually here.)

If we, the human, were taught to be here, as in seeing what is actually here, and how what is here functions, instead of being told we cannot understand what is here, ( I mean, there arefarmers in the Swiss Alps who read the plants to determine the weather!) the only place to go is into conjecture, and on what basis would such a thing exist? How can it be believed that “here” cannot be understood, and then decide conjecture, as what is not here or physically validated, then be understood and/or followed as being a guide? This is just a man-u-factured illusion actually blocking common sense! Also, if looking at here, at nature, one notices a tree looking unhealthy, then what is needed is to see what is missing from the tree that it requires to become healthy, this is simply seeing a lack within requirement physically.

If a behavior is not dealing with what is actually physically here, then it is an idea, belief, or opinion, imagination, judgement based on some limited viewpoint, believing some kind of attention is necessary that has no real value or self directive capacity as what the physical, in common sense, is able to do!. So the physical world is actually a directive within being here with what is real. So anything that creates a fantasy, such as pictures on a tube, or words on a page, cannot be taken as what is, as it is a picture drawn of something real and not the real thing. So, a state of being, as a desire, want and need fixed into some fantasy and imagination that cannot even be verbally expressed, and ends up as a behavior that is reckless and destructive in missing/wanting some relationship not being made, and that, probably within some agenda or made huge emotional need, like a strategic planning to get something. I mean, just think about the whole sex seeking scenario, it is the same. And occupying. Thus, there can be no such thing as self interest only, because we are on a physical planet that functions within specific forms, all working together. Force actions of monoculture on this, and use a force of creating some invisible scenario, limited in design to create that monoculture and what is real is destroyed as it is taken apart to be placed into a lesser design. In this way, the physical is the gift of what works, so it is to become with what is actually here, to be here, seeing, looking at what works here, where what is here allows what works to actually be seen. A real “god”/parent would not have conjecture, only abuse would use conjecture, for personal gain. And what happens if this “conjecture” is taught to children? As what is real? And it goes on for generations? Welcome to hell on earth!

So, obviously, the present system of invisible hands, and invisible gods is a travesty of conjecture. It is not here, existing with what is actually here. To keep this limited illusion that uses what is actually here, our children are educated into the illusion and not taught to work with what actually physically exists. And they are fed images via TV, and sugar to keep them in some excited STATE in separation from here. I think I would run outside my house and want to break things too, but this is not a solution. The solution, is to come back to what is here, as the physical. To investigate what has been accepted and allowed, and to stop, to allow equal and one understanding with what is here, the physical world.

An Equal Money System will allow those who presently are actually looking in common sense of what is physically here, before they are asked to skew data to suit profit, to do what the actual physical world reveals. As of now, what the actual physical world needs, in may places where children are starving, is not being met. Even though this world is able to send aid, and distribute guns, and get drugs over borders in government planes ( interesting how the government resembles what was considered Mafia behavior more and more everyday as the monoculture begins to crumble) , and organize school systems to indoctrinate, and get telephone wires and radio waves everywhere to broadcast things. With all this, a system ofcommunication and transportation already exists. And obviously since there is massive amounts of food wasted every day, there is enough food.

It is like, instead of understanding how water works and functions and all its properties, what exists is a system where a few are allowed to build a structure that allows them to control that water, where so much effort and energy is spent on getting this human control, instead of actually developing an understanding of what water is in totality, and sharing that understanding with every human so that each and every human has an understanding, and thus respect for that water! In this way, what exists is a crime, as it actually blocks understanding of the substance here on earth supporting life, and instead teaches the structure that allow one/ a few to be dominant. And look at that water, it is all the same, as a water molecule, existing within its nature to do what it does - which i do not understand because I have never had the opportunity to be taught this because I was taught to serve the ONE as role play of dominator. That/this is really really messed up.
Even that “dominator” does not understand water, because if they did they would become as that water, this substance spread all over this earth giving freely, being itself as what it is, able to be understood if the attentions of men were not drawn away from this actual physical world!
To think that water can be owned means that you are a zombie - as we tell ourselves with the movies we make- and have become the good servant of a system of ignorance of life, that you have accepted and allowed the diversion from self as life, and are caught up in an illusion and conjecture, where this illusion determines your behavior, a behavior developed to be ignorance! Thus, man has become the blind leading the blind.

Generations generating ignorance.

TIme to start playing on the band wagon of life, pick up your instrument of life, your human physical body, and support Equal Money, and walk the process of realignment back to the physical and away from a taught conjecture. All the king’s men and all the king’s horses cannot put you back together again. But, the good news is, that you can do it yourself as Desteni. Start with a free course; Desteni I Process Lite. You will never look back, as life is better than a dream in front of your television set.

The Century of Self : Part 1 Happiness Machines

http://youtu.be/prTarrgvkjo

Psywar

http://metanoia-films.org/psywar/

The Trap

http://archive.org/details/AdamCurtis_TheTrap

The Power Principle

http://metanoia-films.org/the-power-principle/

Human Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century

http://metanoia-films.org/human-resources/

Catastroika - Greek Documentary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoNjVMhmBfM

The Marketing of Madness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=vnuMhlPn9TA#!

Desteni

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Heaven's Journey To Life

Creation's Journey To Life

Earth's Journey To Life