Day 19: My legs and hip pains= what I have accepted and allowed.
Here I attempt to write as the movement of my self as the reading of my self as what I have accepted and allowed as my self as energy and to not simply recite what has been learned as what I am by what i learned/accepted/lived within how I was taught/lived in and as my life, where at this point the voices and desires and wants and needs of my self are with in a pattern of emotion and feeling here in every moment as what I am in separation of my self as life and unless i begin to match these separations in this moment as the image of my self as what I believe I am, as the label of my self and slow down into breath and forgive in detail as what I am here in totality that is causing constriction showing me where I refuse to grab this searation by the fucking balls and bring this back to self humbly and gently to turn and face this storm of energy that a will only seek and explosion in and as positive energy, a high that leads to dissipation, this not wanting to die as this is all I have known, here, to this I must turn, breath an awareness of my self into as what is and cannot satisfy me and is only self punishment as separation is self punishment and fear of self becoming self as life, to stop the bullshit once and for all of life denial, to give up the cry of fear allowing the vulnerable existence of my self to stand and become a perpetual state of transformation as life in expression as life, directed by life, as life is what is best for self is best for all.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that i must objectify directions and file them away for reference in stead of realizing the very sound of my self as life here, strong and directive as this is what life is and to become this, start from this point and not use an idea of what this in fact means.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my to stop weighing ideas of who I am to fit into what I do, to maintain a persona to be understood within the society in which i live and instead to face what is here as here as self as life breathing through constriction and clinging to ideas of self, as how i look, as how i should appear, as how I respond to what has been repeated to me as words by relatives and friends and society, that I need the support of a man, the imagery of a man by my side in order to be accepted and listened to as a woman, where the fear of not being this is my self allowing a conditioned existence separate from my self as life, as I am life and thus unconditionable in needing something as object as image as beliefs to create as my self' as an image as a presentation in order to express and interact with life here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to listen to the voice as belief in and as my mind that dictates a lack in accordance with defined and designed relationships, as ideas, opinions and presentations as a woman being next to and in service to the mind of a man, where having lived this service to and as the mind of a man, self sublimates self as life and that of the man, as the support of a man as his personality is the support of the insecurities of said man, and the continuance of the man in separation of himself, that which he seeks above all else yet also, as a man, believes is answered and found through the support of a woman, when in fact such a scenario of the impossible dream, as this man must stand as himself, removing the ideas and beliefs as imagery, just as I must, and self direct as life, must find his own spark as life and stand vulnerable as that, thus in believing this resonance as what has been taught I become separate from my self and disallow what is best for all and thus best for my self and the other point in the relationship that in totality is separation from self , as this relation is clung to as it is a limitation inconsiderate of the whole and unaware of itself as life , as this life being able to self direct from a point of clarity as self' as life, no longer shackled to separation where objects of guidance are created that are of eternal separation and not self facing self as what is actually eternal, this nothing that is everything, this nothing that does not judge, this no thing of need for support, this place of forgiving as self to life where fear does not exist.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my accepted and allowed separations are the hooks of my mind , clinging to energy, believing energy to be real when this energy is actual dissipation and the real sense of falling, where as the self as life in humility is self breathing, where the very constrictions and non awarenesses of my self within and as breath show me the very limiting factors of the power of my self as life, where this self is muddied and held within a fuzzy logic unable to accept and allow breath as the constriction is a firebrand of self separation that I am in shame of believe is a punishment for what I have accepted and allowed, yet this must be brought back to self and cleaned up, deconstructed as this will life not/knot into and as eternal separation and a state of want need and desire for like minded clutching and sustenance to support this separation, where this separation will consume itself in energetic union believing this to sustain self when this is actually an ecstasy of death, where in reality this is a death of the separation of what self has accepted and allowed and thus not real, a suicide of self, as it is self in dissipation and not self in self direction as life as what is self, as this life being what is best for self is life and eternal.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize that this consequential play out of self in and as energy leads to death, where as this present system exists, everything is placed to lead to this development and death into and as energy for all and everything on this planet, as this is the fire of hell and not the expression of life, manifest in extreme playouts of constricting and disallowing of natural physical expression of plant , animal, and human, and especially children, where many female children are orphaned and spend days bound in chairs as there is not effort to care for these children, no effete to respect them as life and offer them self development and direction as life, where, as I learned in Romania, much of the financial support for the orphaned children of this country was taken by officials and workers to support their own children, and thus the babies grew without stimulation of any kind, in a pen as a crib, completely undeveloped, as this is what we all accept and allow on this planet in our ignorance of how this system works within a system of profit that is ONLY the manifestation of a game of survival and competition for life.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am this, I have accepted and allowed these same behaviors in and as my self as i have accepted and allowed the very roles of family, to consider only my immediate family, and within that place my self into support for other family members who themselves have accepted and allowed consideration of themselves as the very substance of life one and equal to all that is here, and that it is only this system of inequality that creates lack, evident within a belief of supply and demand, where in common fucking sense it is known what is needed to support life here, where within even this realization it is blatantly obvious that consumerism does not consider or provide for life, but supports and feeds the energetic desires of men, the energy that is of separation and thus the endless pursuit of being in and as a substance of stability and constancy, yet consumerism promotes separation by feeling the desires of separation knowing that these desires are never, cannot ever be quenched and thus an endless source of profit.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not recognize the physical movement of a child bound into a pod chair , a movement of 'swaying" to be as my self where I sway as I am in waiting to discover self, not realizing that I am in fact being the experience of waiting and not licking my self up and directing my self here fro fear of making a mistake as this has never been done and the idea of standing alone, an illusion, is what is believed, signifying there remains a fear of death and loss.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing alone, to believe that I am standing alone.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the illusion in and as my mind that letting go of ideas and opinions and images of how i must present my self as the image and likeness of the consumerist ads, is really the road to the death and loss of my self as life, that the leading into energetic experiences as ideals propagated by these ads is eventual un-fulfillment and death of self, where self is so busy dying that there is no life ever having been lived.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become emotional , here in this moment about all of this.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not watch the self satisfaction of my self as placing words here without any living word substance as real understood power of self in and as common sense, an illusion of knowing can present itself as a seemingly "calm" knowing, but really a rigid obsessive compulsive adherence to a belief in being structurally detailed, where this becomes what is real, yet lack a real directive capacity if scrutinized.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to go into future scenarios where I imagine what my future will be where this very experience of my self is my self in worry and fear of the future, and thus I stop my self and I breath and I look at the beliefs and I forgive them, and return to my self here, with what is physically here and i realize I can only walk within this physical world step by step, so there is no need to dream of a future as what is here within this moment can only be walked as what is physical here, and that there space to be in common sense of what is here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the pain in my legs, especially this incredibly hard seeming rod in my left leg, will take time to deconstruct, as I have not allowed the breath as my self to be here in this leg, placing life as awareness into this leg, where this leg has only, in my ignorance of what I have accepted and allowed, taken the brand as the fire, as the separation as the grid of what I have accepted and allowed as belief , opinion and idea according to what is directives within a system of inequality where I suppressed life and thus the life of my self went to sleep and it is as though my leg does not want to wake up, so compressed that it is painful to breath life back into and as this leg, yet this must be done as there is no other choice.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see realize and thus stop through utilizing my breath, to see what I have accepted and allowed in self/life separation the judgements of what I should appear as, what my faults are within non compliance of complete and total image replication of my self , o so I believe, as woman in relation to a man, as home in relation to successful money acquisition to have the picture perfect in-mage and likeness of
a sales catalogue home, to believe my self lacking in ability, as in performance in word and deed where I have no real idea of what this lack of really means as I have never stood as my self and walked thus do I criticize my self for something I have never actually even been shown to be, so I criticize my self for something never attempted and thus I am merely criticizing something I know nothing about as I never applied common sense and got to actually experience that which I am just as label of lack as! Insanity.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am my own judge and juror, for my self as life, when in common sense all I have done is imitate images and never directed my self as life.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear that I will cause harm to life.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the common sense of me as life, in and as breath will cause harm to life should I speak up within remaining in and as breath, as what is this commonsense of my self as breath will no longer participate in supporting an idea as image that fits into the consumerist model of existence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am unworthy of life, that this that is the power of me as life, as self is not wanted, when in fact this is my mind messing with me, as this means the death of the mind, the stilling of separation and division into and as energy, the fear of loss of my own accepted and allowed addictions as mind.
I commit my self to breath, I breath, I breath, I breath, into my leg, I bring my self back to life, I stop the fire brand of my mind.
I commit my self to stopping reactions of "this is too hard," " I am unworthy," " I just want this to stop," and I breath, knowing the intensity of this is the point where this will soon dissipate as it is indicative of the death of energy seeking an illusion this this is All that is what I exist as.
I commit my self to breath, I stop this depressing sense, feeling of hopelessness as this cannot be life, as this is an illusion as all I have ever known and not myself here that is life, where feelings of unworthiness are a dis-respect of life as what I am, and if I look, I would this on no one, not anyone I know, thus this is an illusion as just as I would not want this for anyone, in common sense it is not something to be thus this feeling of unworthiness makes no sense.
I commit my self to breath, to becoming one and equal to breath, to earth, to heart, all one and the same in construction as what i am here as life.
I commit my self to breath, to breathing and realizing all constrictions and fears and depression as not what is real and only an illusion, where this is the falling of my self into and as separation, and as I breath I will walk with more and more certainty as I am on a journey to life as there is no other choice but this.
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