Sunday, March 3, 2013

Day 299 Weathering the storm of my own judgements to discover my own disgust.

I have a memory of being within a familiar scenario with my father. This happened a couple of years ago.
I had been within the desteni process for about two years at this point and had been looking at what I had accepted and allowed within myself as a state of separation into and as energetic reactions, ideas, beliefs and opinions of “more than” always a starting point of protecting my ego, wanting to win, as this is what I had learned. I was in the process of unlearning this, and still am. As in the past, there was an escalating argument between my father and I over something that had happened, where what existed was blame and spite for why what had happened, happened. This was the norm, the blame game, which does to some extent look at the underlying consequences as to why something is happening, but in this process there are realities missed, not included, both within the selected consequences to which the present moment uses, and within the fear of what such consequences potentially lead to. Both consist of judgement, limited, hence the outcome of discord.
This time, of which I speak, was different. In the emotional storm, my father stopped. While he was there moving into a response I had not experienced, I was within myself trying to stop my own accustomed rage as my behavior, as this is what I allowed, a tantrum of blame and spite, one and the same as what my father became, not knowing how to explain myself, not being aware of reality in totality, not having the capacity to slow down and use common sense in equality with what is physically actually real, as ideas and opinions of my cultural, societal, generational background, were only what I used to define and thus to communicate. As though this knowledge and information was more than actual physical reality. This hubris of men, trying to make one thing more than another, in separation from physical supportive reality. I had to breath, and to leave, because I had to control my own storm in the face of his storm. At this point it was all i could do, to take a direction that did not allow this storm to escalate.
In that moment before I walked away, when my father has stopped suddenly, he looked at me and he said, “ I do not know how to stop this within myself.” Needless to say I, as i was trying to control myself at this moment, did notice this, and I was shocked and felt helpless because I could not respond because I was so busy trying to not allow myself to be the reaction outwardly that I was allowing to brew inwardly. So, here were all these things coming together.
Yet this is why self forgiveness is the only way out of what we have accepted and allowed on this earth. Within this scenario, the shame of a limited, only allowing a selection of values, belief system and the conflict of limited expression within using such taught limitations ( parts made huge - that are not “bad” per say, but warped and thus distorting and confusing- where the reality of this takes some effort to realize as the “more than” has become habit/expression/cloak) exists with a “past” of same behavior learned for generations and the self shame in fearing to stand in common sense within knowing what is best for all. That person, that voice, that expression in that moment, of “ I don’t know how to stop” is what is left of what is real, of a vestige of common sense, an ability to suddenly stand back and realize that what is allowed is not working, that what is, is somehow unproductive. It is a moment of stopping, just stopping everything and realizing that something is somehow really messed up.
THis was one small moment of self forgiveness, to stop and to forgive self for what existed, within realizing that what was existing needed to stop and realizing that self had become so enmeshed within this and used this for so long, that an alternative was no longer directly visible.
And yet, a moment of stopping is not to be made into a badge of honor, that someone is intrinsically okay, and thus made into a memory to accept future digressions into same habits. It is to realize that the emotional storm and all that backs this emotional storm must be brought back to self, and forgiven within equalizing self in common sense of this physical world within respecting what is here as this physical world, as this is the gift of life, in alignment with the principle of give as you would like to receive. This is taking the separations within communication and walking in self forgiveness back to what is equal understanding within what is best for all, as this total earth, everything, until both parties ( as within this scenario) are absolutely in agreement, manifest as a state of ease: such a state would mean self, constant, solid, and stable ability to self determine and self direct, being absolutely self-forgiving with and as life here. All of us have this ability, as we are the same substance as all existent on earth. Life is what we are, we are simply not using it.
At present, part of this problem is an outwardly manifested system equal and one to what has been accepted and allowed inwardly, one having created the other. Our present system of inequality, economic inequality, where the capital of this earth is allowed to move in ways that provide more for some and less for others, and “not enough to sustain at all” for others, does not allow self determination as life, as the physical support of the flesh is taken from under one’s feet - as we see happening in Ethiopia at the moment - and various other places - because of being caught up in a storm of knowledge and information as beliefs, opinions and ideas that often make no sense and when this non-sensical aspect is pointed out, the one, in mental capacity-lack, who has an unequal amount of power and thus money - bullies, disallows communication, hides behind layered systems, all of this characteristics of abuse, and unacceptable.
TO solve this quagmire on a collective social structure means to simply stand up and change this system with a collective voice strong enough to whether the storm of separation from life manifest as economic inequality.
To bring up one argument against a belief that profit gain, as money, motivates, is to realize that even if there was economic equality, humans still need to eat, still need to shit, still need to grow food, thus within equal support, and knowing this was a constant, people would still have to get up and take care of themselves, so, to say that they would not, that some would just sit back and allow others to do all the work, is ridiculous, because one still have to pick oneself up and walk here or there to eat, etc. And, with the stress of survival removed, there would actually be more “help” given, more participation, more care. it is an illusion that life, as humans, is despondent, life cannot be despondent, were it, then there would not be so much protest!, Protest, though not a solution, is still LIFE here, moving itself! And that is common sense. Such simple things to see really put aspoke in this existent system of inequality, a system that believes equality will never work. THis belief, by its very nature is ignorant of life and hanging onto vapid knowledge and information, lacking an awareness of obvious common sense of what is here.
Needless to say, at this point, within this scenario with my father, I had a moment of shame, because I had been within judgement, as my own emotional storm, that I was within a process of bringing back to self, equalizing in common sense to what is best for all in being respectful of life. It is to realize in this moment, that any judgement accepted and allowed without immediately being directed and communicated to and towards an outcome that is best for all, that is absolutely supportive as life becoming one and equal as life, as a nature of being what is best for all, is the only choice, and thus the time must be taken to allow communication to and towards this absolutely, thus, stand and support a system that supports all life as the value, Equal Money Capitalism.
The reward is the end of emotional storms, which is the end of war, which is the end of a lack of “knowing how” to stop behaviors we all know lead nowhere.

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