Friday, March 8, 2013

Day 304 Disgust towards attention seekers.

One of the reactions I have had in my life again and again, and I even created a name for it, is the label of another person being an “attention seeker.” I remember teaching in a school and in the class there was a child that needed insulin throughout the day. The teachers and the staff had to remain on top of this. Even though this child was often in the hospital on the weekends and during vacation, as her mother would neglect the insulin shots for her daughter. She was a classic attention seeker herself, the mother. And so was the daughter. This child would constantly raise her hand and ask to use the restroom, and/or if she needed her shot. And she was not a very focused student. Already, the child had learned her mother’s behavior. This would annoy me, and of course I had to take care of the girl, but it seemed to me that she would ask for something, call attention to herself in moments when the class was quiet and listening. I found this very disruptive. The children in the class noticed , but did not react. This helped me, even though I was the one annoyed by this behavior at the time. Of course, this was all accepted, because no one wanted to deal with the mother.

I do have this memory of myself as a small child, wanting attention from my father, and I go up to him, and he turns suddenly, knocking me over, and I fall on a bike, and am humiliated. I had suddenly appeared wanting attention, and when i did not get the reaction I wanted, and fell on the tricycle, I became angry, and stomped off.
I had gone to get attention, and there was no real substance to this desire.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become disgusted with actions of others that I have labeled as seeking attention, where the judgement I have and the reaction i allow is myself projecting self disgust from an event in my past, where i acted within self interest as wanting attention.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that what humiliation I experienced as I fell is an indication that I had not been present, and interrupted my father simply to get attention, and when I fell, and reacted with humiliation, then became indignant, because i had not gotten what i wanted, as attention, and stormed away in a rage of spite and blame instead of taking responsibility for myself, realizing that my fall was due to my own lack of self responsibility to and towards the situation at hand.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in this memory, as I walk towards my father, I am so locked into a singular desire for attention, to have him turn and give me attention, that i am completely unaware of my environment, like I am possessed with this desire for attention, and when I fall, I realize my folly and become embarrassed with myself, and go into humiliation and then anger and blame, and stomp off in a rage, where I hold onto this and carry this with me into the present, and become disgusted when I see this same behavior in others, as I have not forgiven myself for being caught up in this energetic desire for attention, which I had no real recognition of, at least enough to stop this before I realized, after the physical harm I experienced, was due to a lack of being self honest in that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label actions of seeking attention with a negative connotation, in and as fearing being revealed as the same.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i am tired, in this moment, as writing this out is creating a strong reaction of wanting to go to sleep. ugh.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that this sudden tiredness, where all I want to do in this moment is fall over and sleep is my self resisting facing this point, here, of facing this reaction to attention seekers as annoying where I separate from myself into value judgements of more than and less than, specifically judging the attention seeker as “less than” to make myself a “more than” as I hang onto my own self judgement of myself having acted with no real substance.

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