Day 300 Thought dimension Disgust character

Interesting that those times when “speaking up” came in with calm, with a voice strong yet steady, no blame, no spite, really expressing understanding with here, these are thetimes, I remember myself being effective in calming my outer world, being listened to. This silences the back.Am I so addicted to reactions and desires that this contrasting calm seems like nothing?
Here comes the shame. A shame for all the times I wanted more, wanted/desired a “more”, and within this simply not being here, going into chaos as division as separation, coming out the other end into self disgust because I was ashamed of myself for wanting some excitement, as in imagining an illusive winning “something” and nothing was won.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire something, to believe that something outside of myself will create me as a “more than” in comparison to others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that there is something outside of myself that will give me more: I am here, as life, which in common sense means simply being here, and yet there are others, who suffer from such actions as those believing this and that somehow makes a “greater than” and so driven to become this, in separation from self as life, that many animals, plants, and people suffer on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as a “more than” as all I can do, is be with what is here in and as myself here.

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I commit myself to slowing myself down, to breath, to stop the separation into and as belief, opinion and idea of there being a “more than” scenario, as what I am as a human being, is always with what is here, as myself, even if I were on some stage and there are massive amounts of people in the audience, it is still simply myself being here, this idea of something “more” is an illusion.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that the rush to be more within and as this world, as the behaviors of the human, is causing massive abuse to life on this earth, and it is all in reckless disregard of life, both within and without.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that all I can ever be is here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that my memories of disgust, are myself realizing that I had accepted a belief, as a more than that something outside of myself defined me as more.
I commit myself to stop, to breath with ease, to no longer allow myself to believe that I am less than, to be a judgement of myself as less than in actions as blame and spite, an outward manifestation as a behavior of myself disgust, masking my own shame for believing I can lose myself as life - make myself a more than, not seeing, realizing and understanding that all there is, is to speak in common sense as the substance of life as the fabric of what is here.