I was looking at a memory from my past, myself as a child. My parents are talking to me, expecting and answer, a reaction. When that reaction comes, they become calm, as though something was validated within them. In this memory what stands out is that they, my parents became calm. I look at what I had done, and I realize it was the same as them, my parents. I reacted in anger and crying. This was enough, I had become what they were, so I was inferior to them, as I was a child, and thus innocent ( in no sense of separation into and as mind in agreement with them as limited programmed machine), so, this innocent child was as “bad” as them now, and since the child is “closer’ to “here” lacking judgement, the child carries the greater blame, and thus the parents are superior.
So, I had this “thought” within looking back at this memory. And I thought, wow, this is really messed up, really twisted. Unfortunately, this is the logic of the mind, this is the logic of of this system on earth. If something can be taken through the bully of forcing acceptance and allowance that it becomes the fault of the person accepting and allowing, which it is, but also it is to realize that what is presented as the only means of survival creates a “no way out” scenario. The way that money is presently used, which is the way the sustaining resources of this earth are moved, then it is the very system, collectively accepted that is the cause, the individual as anecdotes of the collective, the data, are the source of what is here, dividing this onto one or the other cannot be done, one is the manifestation of the other. The collective is the individual, the individual is the collective, thus the only way to be responsible as life, is to become one and equal, to realize that the very physical structure of life support must be what supports all life, absolutely, and that anything else is a crime, as the abuse of this present system.
If our minds physicals in tandem with out minds take a mirror image construct of what is here, and values of more than and less than heighten and enlighten limited aspects of what is here, thus placing other aspects of what is here in shadows, this is warping reality, distorting this, and our instruments as our physical bodies “reading” here, equal with here, then in conflict and war, which is in essence taking within ignoring a complete picture of here. This is like not using the total structure, and imposing a limited structure, and the utilization of that limited structure, both in development and use, is pulling what is real and supportive of that structure apart. This means the real instrument of life, as this physical world is not understood, and since this is what is here, and what is supporting all of us, it is common sense to work with what is here, in respect, as what is here is the very life that supports us.
Children respond to direction, and they become silent within an adult self validating. They become quiet in the second scenario, and “wait it out” as though they know better than to react, as this would prolong return to playing with their friends.
Some are already playing the game, and often we label them as precocious , but often those precocious ones somehow stop developing when they get into their twenties. I realize this and would talk about this with my father, but it was always within blame, within cultural blame as well, which is still messed up. But, outside of this, is to see a construct, a pattern, and the reason for such to exist in totality is the real question to be asked. It really is that too many limitations have been accepted and made believed as all of life, and so, because it is limited and unequal to and as life, movement stops, cannot go any further. This actually happens to all of us, with the rest such action is more drawn out over time, the illusion, we accept and call a different name, but it is the same.
Within this memory, I realize I react with anger, and then cry, and then I hide in shame. I am ashamed because I gave in because I did not know how to explain myself, as I was a child, and the ending of the action of the adults was a discovery made, a way to use in the future to end what I did not know how to stop, and thus the trap is laid and I accept it, not realizing that i am on my way into and as a limited existence. I have accepted the distortion of reality. In my twenties, the fear will come, and I will be unable to move, which is exactly what happened in college. And it is happening to my one son. He called this semester, and said he had so much fear. I realized I was watching myself.
I realize that in conversing with people, using words becomes one big mess, so much has to be defined, and often there is no patience for this. So often I just walk away, sorting it all out seems impossible. I end up becoming silent and just removing myself in disgust, usually towards the other, and sometimes in sheer frustration because of a lack of willingness to clear things up.
Even when I am willing to give in and discuss, I get angry that the other becomes impatient because they seek a quick fix within this confusion and also do not want to deal with this, or fear something being exposed and called by name, not realizing that nothing is hidden. The reaction to this is anger, which is fear, and it is really saying that the illusion is here, and you (meaning the opposition) is not playing the game - your “bad,” which in and as itself is denial of consequence. Because, it is this that is the cause of dis-ease on earth.
So, I have to allow myself to no longer become “disgust” within working with words, as in having discussions, I cannot allow myself to become confused with the refractions ofemotional polarities, fibonacci spirals/vortex as an alternate reality, a superstition on reality composed of memories wanting self validation to continue, attached to words, and to see that the “stream” of energy can be “de”-fined, meaning “fined” as in found out, as in not fearing that I will be “fined/penalized’ should I call it out, should I find out the name of Rumplestilzskin, after all, Mr. Rumpy will throw a tantrum and fall in his campfire and burn up, and like Gollum, he might start looking like a living being having removed his “ring of energetic blingy fire”, his layer of separation.There really is no other choice here. lol
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a silent disgust within and as speaking, in and as using words, where i believe that the words spoken become one big mess that is unable to be sorted out.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the same as I was in my past as a child, falling into the same reactive behaviors of protection and defense, learned as a response within a moment, as being a child not having the education within word usage to describe what i see, which is in the past, an emotional reaction/fear from the past, and not what i am here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my disgust is really my own shame for accepting and allowing limited, secondary constructs that lack substance, and thus are non supportive of myself as life, to be what i have used to avoid facing here, this becoming a habit, and thus a signature of myself moving in separation from looking at the detail of how here, as life expresses itself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand, that the persona of anger within and as me, is myself not looking at what is here, is myself not looking at what I have accepted and allowed, as a self definition, as myself defining my reality, myself not slowing myself down to mirror within and as my words, what is here in detail, where I carry disgust with myself which is being ashamed of what i have accepted and allowed being projected as separate from me, here, thus I allow the burden of my own making to direct me here, my own “ring of fire” layered around me as my thoughts, emotions and feelings, creating this heavy feeling within, worded as a belief that “it is impossible” to cover my own ignorance of how here, as life, a gift, is right in front of my eyes, wanting to be what it is by nature, to flow and express, if only I would slow down, breath and bring myself here, to be patient within the storm of energetic confusion of no real substance manifest as emotion and brin this back to what is best for all, to prevent dis-ease.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that fear is separation from common sense of myself as life, here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that shame is really a chosen unwillingness of self as life to move in common sense of here, which means that moving one and equal here, exists, exits the separation from life.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to go into silent hiding from here.
I commit myself to slow myself down and to realize words are to describe what is here, that it is myself as my human physical body that can see, realize and understand here, in and as breath and slowing myself down to no longer follow what is of no real substance as what energetic emotional and feeing reactions as a collection of thoughts that are of judgements of more than and less than based on limited values taught as only what is real, where in all common sense , what is here is what is real, and what supports life.
I commit myself to slowing myself down and to breath, and to realize anger reactions as myself hiding my fear of my own disgust/judgement as my shame of ignoring here, started in childhood within not having the development to explain myself in and as words, or even if I did, a projected belief was held by adults, as the reverse of life, that children are to be seen but not heard.
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