DAY 529 The drama of ego upon structure.

I had a talk with my son today and he said that he learned to remain calm and follow the structure of a process and in so doing he ended up being an exemplar in his responsibility. What he noticed was the ego game going on around him, the others making things into big issues and competing to be important. In the end my son realized that drama so-to-speak going on around him and how unnecessary it was. In all, I have to say that that “ drama” is a form of entertainment also.

The conversation started because I had talked about how I had realized this within the music profession. The same ego dramas happen. Clicks start with a peer group, and the combat begins. But what I noticed, even when I fell within this, that the one’s participating within the competition and need for recognition, did not have the capacity to remain consistent in their playing, and within myself, remaining within the structure of the music foremost, I moved up to the front, and began to remain there consistently.

Still, I find myself allowing uncertainty when the competition comes in with spite and off putting accusation of blame etc. If someone feels that another is a threat, they attack with little measures of things. But then again, ego is a little measure of things. lol

In all, this is about how I continue to react to competition that attacks, even when I have faced objections and walked them into a structure that calms the reaction. 

Now I have to go and face some people, walk with them for a moment. I find myself having some dread, but I realize that this is a lack of structure, I am looking at myself becoming inferior to here, as it is here that I am the director of my own executive function  and that I can move myself as a working memory if I have scripted the simplicity of what I am about in regards to the principle of what is best for all.

 It reminds me of seeing a man who turned into a demon, where the demon part was the emotional storm, and that storm seemed of no substance, so I realized that this man could have no effect on me unless I allowed it, and that behind that projection was that man, who was kind, and gentle, confused and lost. So, when I talk with others, I know this is there, because this is the nature of life, this is an innate desire to participate with the total fabric of this actual physical world that is the structure of life that enables the expression of life, and that it is the awareness of how we are also physical beings and not only a mind that imprints an understanding of physical reality  and that it is this function through which we are controlled and that ends up creating a projection instead of the equality to here, with ease, that is that which we seek. Thus, do I face the storm, to reach the joy, through walking the objections to here, using the principle of what is best for all as my constant, as this is the real “ angle mark” ( Spelling on purpose) Because, it is a mechanistic uni-verse of life expression that is a measure that the very substance that enables up to learn to crawl and walk and eventually talk,  that builds an executive function that is of a working memory that is equal to here in measure and precision and that that which builds is that which must remain in awareness to perpetually cross reference with that which enables awareness, which is the physical world.

It is interesting, because within the eyes of people one can see the fog, a layer of cloudiness and also the whole musculature of the physical in tension. And I suppose I see this because I have had to be aware of it within myself within playing the violin. I also notice that things come up in adults, and that this is not as thick in children. With a child one can reach a clearness at time, greater than with an adult. And all of this helps me to realize that within and as me there is a fog, and it sets me shaking ever so slightly. This is where I allow myself to become inferior to here. I am no longer at ease. And I realize that my lack of ease, is a belief in a constant protection and defense for survival. The irony is that I cannot survive all, because the all that is here as the physical, is how I exist, so if I eliminate others I eliminate myself, thus the only solution is to face the projection, as belief, opinion and idea, the sins of the fathers as the key board of DNA where such has been passed on because it has not been cleared by the collective of men on earth, it has not been equalized to that which enables life, which is the physical. It is as though we men, have been given the gift of creation and we have abdicated that gift because we held the object more precious that the formation allowing the act of creation as being the real value. Our real museum is the physical world around us, where we are the muses, creating life in expression as the physical.

Day 505 Resistance to words.

I spent a lot of time working with my younger son in middle school. The memory I have is sitting down and looking at every single paper he had to write. What I did was check if he had structured his papers correctly. I allowed myself to get to a frenzied point of dreading to check his work, going to him and asking him if , for example, this or that was a topic sentence, and if this or that was a detail, or if he had substantiated what he had said enough, etc.etc. etc.. But I had become so anxious about it that I have developed this anxious energy that is triggered whenever I have to read something.

Also, when I returned to school, I had to read a lot of books. Some of these books went on and on and on about teaching experiences in a manner of praising teaching and doing this through citing good moments of success. It was a song of how good a person was, and it would go on and on and on and on. And I would read the book because I believed that i had to read every word given to me for the class, that perhaps in all the self aggrandizement there was one sentence that had a point, and I did not want to miss that point. People do and can say very insightful things, but sometimes there is so much fluff around their words it is like wading through mud to get to them. But then, again, this is the mind, filled with the molasses of good and bad, self justification and self validation, and one walks the vortex of separation until finally some point comes through as that person walks through experience all the way back to themselves. Such a waste of time really. And a catch twenty two, because we are supposed to accept this, but this is what needs to be cleaned up. It really is unacceptable. And I am caught in this just as much as anyone. And, this is used to slow down and waste the very life in each of us. It is how the media touts a truth and buries it in half truth/unclear associations that consume life as one spends one’s life sorting through what should be clear, what should be self equal and one with physical reality.

So, because this was not clear to me, and I am not saying that I can catch this every time, because I am conditioned to accept the spin of association or I will be considered rude, when what is rude is the spinning of associations that take attention/focus away from common sense of physical reality. Which means popping bubbles of good and bad values, and getting to the heart of the situation. Which means, standing stable within this, not reacting to the reactions, bringing it all back to common sense.

So, I realize that I have my own values, as judgements attached to reading words, because of these emotional reactions I had in the past within working with my son and reading texts that were filled with a person talking about how wonderful their experiences were, instead of being direct, within what they were doing. And, within this, to realize that there are people who love reading such things, like a romantic novel, wallowing in the endless description of good feelings, where there is then a dip into a possible loss of the ideological picture, that is then a movement of conflict with that ideology that is then brought back resolved, back to the ideological picture. A kind of orgasmic tension and release, via imagery as idea, as mind, very limited in detail, and as such, never able to be lived, thus the book world becomes an alternate reality one escapes to, that does not match physical reality. And physical reality is never lived, one’s sensation of the physical is never realized.

This reaction to words within me is also tied to my mother. I have been told that I am supposed to be compassionate to the emotions and feelings of another, and it is like sitting and “ reading” the same kind of book that goes on and on in self validation. For years, I would become so restless, dreading to have to do this, even thought I could not explain why precisely. And, many times I would put my foot in my mouth - so to speak- because I would call out the point of what was being said before the person got to wallow their way to the point. 

I was at this party, and the man of the house, walked me around to look at all his creations, they were these framed boxes of sectioned trinkets. Each little square had many of the same object. They were very well done. And fun to look at for a moment. The craftsman ship was cool. I enjoyed them. Then we sat down to dinner and he leaned close to me and started to tell me his story, the story of his relationship to his father. I listened. Then it dawned on me that his story was to same story written in books about the father/son relationship. I did not want to hear this pitty patter, I wanted to join in the group conversation. It all happened so fast, it appears slow here because writing is so linear, but in the moment it was more a quantum thought - so to speak. Anyway, I looked at him and said, “ oh, that is Kafka’s story.” Silence. The man had a look on his face like a deer in headlights. More silence. he never spoke to me again. Would not even say hello at the beach parking lot.  I had in one moment unspecialized his story. oops.

Hey, maybe there would have been the tiniest degree of difference, and maybe I would have learned some measure of awareness. But I honestly don’t think so, and, AND, that awareness could have been shared within the group, as an addition to the conversation of the group having a dinner together. Perhaps, the group interaction would have required that the insight from his experience in life be made more concise, more direct. Because, participation in a group demands sharing the space of life, which would balance out tendencies to make one’s emotions and feelings bigger than reality. If I take this and place it in the context of the present system, then we can realize that inequality, where money is directed by a few, instead of from each point of the ground, through purchasing power,  then perhaps the poverty and the abuse we are all allowing to exist would not exist, because the voice of each would balance out inequality, and give the insight of all physical form’s perspective. As it is, it is like we ignore the total fabric of the physical world, and as such limited our awareness of life. And we end up listening to a very limited awareness of life and/or this awareness is spread out and not shared because our feel good emotions are made bigger than reality, as we are not using our heart to sense reality, as the physical world. Instead we hold onto ideas, like we make a trophy of a limited insight/perspective. I mean, this is what advertising does, and it impulses it again and again, filling the vessel of ourselves up, clouding direct seeing in common sense of reality.

I have created an entity as a belief within myself about reading words. I have expectations that the words are unclear, full of fluff. I mean if anyone reading this has ever listened to Liszt’s Faust, or played this piece, you might understand. That piece was like wallowing in the same emotion again and again and again. it was a relief when I no longer had to perform this piece. Even thought I realize I cannot allow myself to become a reaction to such. And within this, I cannot be pride, or arrogance about this, other wise I become the ego I criticize. Because the only thing that is real, is here, this moment, equal and one to and as being a physical  being on a physical planet that operates in practical common sense ways. It must be realized that if every human, became equal and one to physical reality as the value, then life would be fun. 

I, in the mean time - lol - I allowed, will have to slow myself down and self forgive the anxiety I accepted and allowed in reference to reading words. And, to realize when I am reading something that is not to the point, to not react and either make the choice to not continue reading, or continue reading without reactions. And to forgive the judgement that is a memory of myself allowing the checking of my son’s writing as being tedious, when all it was was checking the form and practicing making it clear. 

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become ansi at the idea of having to listen to another’s words and/or read words on a page.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed within having to check the homework of my children.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that in reading another’s words, or to have to listen to another’s words is like being in a prison that i cannot escape from.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel like listening to another’s words is like having bullets being pelted on my chest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to resist words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to get a headache at the idea of having to listen to another’s words, or read another’s words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an expectation that reading words is going to be tedious.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that words are cumbersome.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not want to look at words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as a burden, as something that cannot change.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to view words as like a piece of music coming out of someone’s mouth where I am required, as a woman, to accept such words and if I don’t I will be considered difficult, or lacking in compassion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to go into righteousness in reaction to this.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in reacting to such I am not addressing the form placed in front of me.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to see words as something etched in stone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto words as though they are un-mutable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want to fix words, which is myself wanting to etch words in stone.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to want words etched in stone as a protection and self defense.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take words seriously, and or not take them seriously.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react in anger to words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react with indignation towards words.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that there is one form for words, where in reality, words are like water, they change and reorder as in answer to the changing form of reality and perspective sharing of the physical world, as aspects of the physical world are brought forward to focus in a moment to build understanding of physical reality.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, which is an abdication of using words, as in believing myself to be incapable of using words,  which is myself allowing a belief of being wrongedness - as there is no other word that i can think of in the moment to describe the opposite of righteousness.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the opposite of righteousness, in and as believing myself to be worthless.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, at times, become neutral, as in becoming a silence of giving up, as in believing the point of being clear to be an impossibility, and within this to not see, realize and understand that I am in effect wanting a “ etched in stone” truth when such does not exist, as words are at the moment, an abstract of reality, forming a picture of the concrete, the actual real supportive physical world, and as such will change within what is focused on in the moment, and the awareness that is discovered as one becomes equal and one to and with, and as the physical.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a voice in and as my mind, that is the words “ it is not my fault”

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is not my fault.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel guilt and shame for not having respected words and directed them in ways that do no harm, for not having used words in ways that make clear instead of having used words in protection and self defense, here I pushed away a “ bad” as a judgement onto another instead of addressing the projected bad into a correction that brought insight and understanding of being equal and one with and as what is real as the physical world, and or, to have used words to focus all those around me onto a good based on an experience or object that I owned as in having lived the experience or owning the thing that is considered something that makes a person a “ more than” in society.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that i must be punished for causing harm through not being self honest with and as being equal and one in consideration of physical reality being the value as the substance of life, where the pain in the realization that I hurt others, and as such hurt myself are one and the same, and as this, it is to realize that the pain is the separation, and thus the correction is to stand equal and one in common sense in thought word and deed with and as the physical, as what is real, and to walk the steps to become equal and one with and as life, for which the physical is the measure of and as, the gift of life, to become equal and one to and as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have used the wealth of the physical, as the resource of myself to be life, and the resource of my labor as the use of words , as “ la” is the note “a” and thus, “ a” Bore, and as such a lesser substance that bore no real witness to life, and as such became a burden as a cross reference in self interest instead of becoming a cross reference with the very focus of myself onto , equal and one with, the actual real physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be ashamed of the rejection of life that was the expression of myself as the words I spoke, creating an entity of unworthiness hidden by righteousness, where I masked my own shame within a feeling/emotion of helplessness and sense as a belief that life is impossible, instead of standing equal and one with and as the physical, the wealth given as a gift to equalize myself to and as life, and using that which I used to separate myself into that which can as life common sense what is best for all here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that this is all very sad.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed that others rejected or pushed me away, or attacked me, when others were doing the same as I  and as this to blame or spite another for what i have done, is not bringing myself in alignment and standing in patience, humility and careful stability within and as the practice of being oneness and equality with and as a common sense of what is best for all within the principle of equality, which is practical consideration of physical existence in ways that value all life and as such, actions that do no harm to any living thing.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, written and/or spoken, I stop and I breath, and I slow myself down, and I see, realize and understand that words are sound, that are a model of here, or a model of a belief, opinion and idea, a model of an entity that is unequal to and as a common sense of physical reality and as such to not react but to listen and , bring the words back to self, to walk a process of self correction where there is no reaction of righteousness, worthlessness, judgement in protection and self defense in fear of loss as separation within limitation as inequality to life, and as a belief that being here, is impossible as in not what is wanted, where this “ not what is wanted” is the paranormal as the mind inferior to life.

When and as I find myself reacting to words, I stop and I breath and I slow myself down and I look at the description of words in relation to what is real, as the physical world, as what directs within and as what is best for all the movement and expression of physical reality, as this physical reality is the form and thus composed of the expression and substance of life here, without which I cannot breath and be here, this the physical- is life, is the form and being of myself here, and as such the ideas, beliefs and opinions in and as my mind must be cross referenced with the physical with every breath, here.

When and as I find myself reacting to another, to a situation, I stop and I breath, and i slow myself down and I see, realize and understand the limitation to here, as the words, to and towards understanding rejection of self direction and thus self honesty to here, to what directs self within and as what does no harm and as such what supports that which allows the expression of life in form and function as the physical, thus to direct my words to be clear and a direct image and likeness of what is actually real as the physical.

                       DIP Lite Self forgiveness, writing, and self corrective application. Bring the white noise of the mind back into practical physical reality to become equal and one to and as life as                  

                                           the physical.

Day 390 Paranoise of inferiority, Unknowiing common sense.

I had a dream last night, of myself at a party, in a gathering, and I fear not being able to talk to anyone. Then this morning I looked at the dream and had to remember myself to common sense, to the principle of what is best for all, and that we are all the same, able to move as birds, together, sensing here, not with some “ magical projection ability” but one and equal to the very fabric of here, as the substance of life, as physics is discovering - or realizing - has always been here, where it is only ignorance as the beliefs within consciousness as mind as the human in separation that are in separation from the constant field of expression as the substance of life as the very essence of what we are, no projections needed, nothing created - so to speak- on dis-covering ourselves as life, this which we have not looked at but covered within believing ourselves to be more than, as imagination, as mind, as consciousness.

So, the anxiety within being able to speak to others, is myself having expectations, which means, I have desires, which means I have beliefs and am not stable here within enjoying here. Ironically, that which I desire, is right here, it is only myself as ideas, beliefs and opinions that have covered up and dis-respected life. So I am in a place in time to b-earth myself, dis-cover my at-most-sphere/fear point that I have accepted and allowed, where my character is a personification of having ignored myself as life, taking on a more than belief, as ego, imagining this until it becomes what I express, at loss with a stability with life/here, creating consequences of separation, isolation, lack such as dreams and miscommunications with the world around me, a world of men at this same point - a place to b-earth oneself as life, to remove the veil of separation as the pictures of consciousness of ignorance of the absolute value being life, and instead using relative values and associations to define self, resisting life, pushing away the bad, the separation, the judgement, and presenting the good, the happy face , the positive, the self validation and justification for a lack of self responsibility as life, here.

This dream, this play-out in my mind in fear of social stagnancy and outcast,  is myself being inferior to life, inferior to here, inferior to a capacity of myself to speak, to follow through, to see, to realize , to understand how the physical world functions. This world functions in a practical way, observable, measurable, mathematically structural-ble. There is no invisible hand, there is only a smoke screen of complication to hide the normal practical observable movement within the physical world. There is no need for a god to judge, the outcome of how this physical world is treated is visible, it is only a disallowance of research and physical investigation that withholds - doing so in self interest. If man is not educated, and placed in economic stress, this is done in self interest, to eliminate competition, a crime against life for all life. This will not work, cannot work, does not work, as history shows us, our history is one of war and destruction, all in the name of self interest, man in separation from life. On every level of this hierarchy of separation as inequality, there is abuse, ignorance, destruction, it is just that those on the top that move centralized regimes throughout time into same forms of different names, call their crimes, present their crimes, as being good, while the physical outflows are only perpetuating physical abuse of this earth.  It is time for this to stop.

In all practical common sense, if I imagine a belief that I cannot talk with others then I create an inferiority and follow this instead of using my practical common sense and looking at the movement of life here, being humble and realizing that what is here is the gift of life to cross reference my stability here, myself being equal and one to and as life here. This means looking at my self validations as what I reject that persists, and realizing this as equal and one to me, that I need not fear, that i can follow through, that I can perceive and equalize to me within the principle of what is best for all is best for self, and within this cause no harm, preventing further separation and creating understanding with and as life here.

Thus, this ambiguous idea that I cannot communicate with others is an imagination based on an idea of lack, and thus the anxiety is a state of stagnation, myself in paranoia of my own beliefs, opinions and ideas.

There was a situation with my sister when my children were smaller. It was just after the death of my husband. My son had been swinging on a swing, when my sister’s daughter , who was also small, ran in front of the swing. Now, my son, who was small and my sister’s daughter , who was small, had both been children doing what children so, playing, laughing, running in glee, thus both had not been aware of their surroundings, and to note that even if my son had noticed that his cousin was about to run in front of the swing ( there were bushes all around the swing sets ) he was really too small to suddenly be able to jump down from the arc of the swing onto the ground and stop himself from swinging into my niece. Did I want this to happen, did my son want this to happen, did my niece want this to happen? No.

My sister started yelling that my “ boys” were rough and had hurt her daughter. I was astounded, and as I went to explain the situation, I became very angry and started to yell. While I was yelling I suddenly watched myself become a rage of indignation, so big, so strong that within myself I stopped. I thought, what is this? This rage , this anger cannot be good for me of for the situation, even if I am “ right.” So, I stopped. I realized the stance of my sister was unreasonable, and trying to convince her of this, in that moment, was like taking a horse to water and trying to get it to drink. I thought, that my children would confront such unreasonableness in life, and that reacting to this was not always the best thing for self. Thus, and here my interest went to my children, that they had to realize that sometimes the behaviors of others have nothing to do with oneself, and that such does not define oneself, and that this is not necessarily something to accept, but to realize one can only state what happened in common sense and let it go.

What would inevitably happen, is my mother would come and tell me that i had to put up with such things, that my sister was sensitive and if I reacted then she would no longer come the limited times that she came. Here I was always in conflict, because it was like I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. Somehow putting up with what was unacceptable, was not the solution, as it only perpetuated the accusation of behavior that had no directive within developing awareness, instead the self validations were allowed to be supported to keep a peace, no resolution. 

Within this, I was taught to walk around emotional insecurities and self validations, instead of using common sense and directing myself within looking at situations where the physical was considered and looked at to learn to prevent mis-understandings. And within this, to simply state the mis-understandings and let it go, to focus here, practically, and then to release the acknowledgement of the observation. Within such scenarios, others sometimes speak up, and place common sense into words that can be very insightful. When this happens it is like a gift of insight, where i have stopped and thought, wow, what a way to see this, it is really directive, meaning not positive or negative, the value is absolute within common sense of here, where self direction is realized instead of emotional spite and blame.

A similar scenario happened later with my sister again, and I just got in my car and left, because I could see that I was getting angry again, and my anger was not a solution, so I left, to stop the reaction, as at the time I had not gotten control of  this. I had stated what had happened, and left. 

Within all this, I realize that I am inferior to myself, as an idea that I can be considered as being a “less than” that even in the face of common sense, I attach an idea of a less than, a fear of a less than, a paranoise of a less than. I can see that within the relationship with my sister there is self validation going on, and I am wanting to control this, and react when I don’t get the result I want, I am not so much as blaming my sister, or her daughter, or my son, but I am reacting to the idea of  being considered inferior despite the reality of the situation. Even though I acknowledge the situation, I remain within fear of judgement. I say to let it go, but I am not really, I am hanging on creating a hurt out of the situation, turning myself into a victim. UNKNOWING of my own common sense. The only choice, is to remain , here, developing stability, practicing this, letting go of the past, and  remaining stable within and as breath, within the principle of what is best for all is best for self,  that life is an absolute purpose of what is best for all, it is only to forgive the paranoise of separation into a belief that something can be lost, as this paranoia is a reaction based on an idea lacking common sense.

We all have common sense in abundance, fault finding in another is not common sense, if we abdicate our common sense, we lose self honesty, self responsibility. And in a system of inequality, where money determines life, would this not be used, would you not use this in another, to ensure your survival? The present system places all liability and all debt on the people, the huge numbers of people, where few have the benefits, and in a way this system, is telling us all, that we as the human, have abdicated our common sense, and it is right here, right in front of us. If you have a table and a chair and a bed, you are in a position to stand and to support - those who are so depressed,and on the brink of starvation - and to change this world into a system that values life before profit, a system that values this earth - our home - that values and is the response of this value being life Support BIG , a Basic Income Guarantee.  It is time to get this world into an order that is life. 

With my sister, what could have been a joy, in self discovery, was turned into a game of competition, as metaphysical ideas of one thing being more than another, when what was real was simply becoming aware of ourselves as life, learning to live, learning to move and enjoy ourselves as physical beings, expressing life. 

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• Day 318: Are you BIG Enough for B.I.G. ?

Day 115 Letting it go.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how I was seeking a positive experience in and as energy, I was seeking what I labeled as comfort, as being in a nice place, a nice positive place where I attach a positive experience within the negative judgements I have of the world, from which I want escape in not facing what has been accepted and allowed here, as the very non problem solving of ourselves in fear of our own accepted and allowed system creation of inequality, where the starting point was a void lacking common sense of all that is here that is life, that is us one and equal, which have been made so separate that we have aggrandized the separation and believe ourselves as man superior, which in wanting to be superior we are in fact admitting our fear, within this wanting to be more than another instead of becoming one and equal. Thus superiority is actual fear, as it is pushing away what is believed to be inferior as some kind of infection, when the infection will not go away, as the infection is the cause of the drive into some supposed “superior” stance, and within this the infection is not considered and taken care of, only pushed away and thus ignored. Problem not solved, only shoved under the rug, a line drawn through it, covering it and creating a layer as a platform, which is separation. Separation is not solution, it is an act of masking, like placing masking tape over something. The tape and the thing being masked IS STILL THERE and it is not going away, and it is us, all of us. It is a hiding. The  superior stance must get bigger and bigger to hide the tape that hides the infection ( perceived) as the “infection” grows with the superiority “stance” and so the separation grow and grow, and become this huge mass, like a tumor until one cannot deny what is happening, as all that is left, which must be faced is the original infection covered with so many layers of decor to hide what was never faced. And so the tower falls. All the “babel” to hide the infection topples the picture show of justification, inevitable, as all that one has become in allowing the superiority stance to exist is a consumer of what is here to feed the hiding as separation from the original infection of running from the inferior, the judgement, the inception of the in-fear-ior, in fear I (hear/here)or ( ohr- ear in German).

And our emotions and feelings show us, compounds of thought, relationships, where we are judging and believing and accepting and allowing ourselves to exist as that original separation into and as a judgement as the infection of fear from which we run into and as standing on the masking mark we created to hide from not facing the fear and realizing it is not real, and only a separation.

Within this, the only solution is to walk back through all the layers of our own layers of masking tape, remove them, and face the original separation into and as inferior and superior. We have ourselves as common sense to see this, to stop this, to get back to the starting infection of separation into and as more than and less than. I forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed, by self forgiving the layers of expression, which as they are in separation and divided, are of energy and not self as sound expression as life here as this is the source and thus the sense, as the commonality of the substance of what we are all, as what is the equality that we are, able to be existent on this earth as common sense, as the organism of life that we are.

A “god” would give this, would share this, be this, allow this, as this is the gift of life here. It makes absolute common sense. We are all equal, and it is only belief that is the idea of something being greater than another, and it is a system of inequality, as profit, that allows some development and others not. A structure creating lack, where on this earth the “lack” is HUGE and growing every day until it all topples and falls under the weight of its own babel of separation supporting ideas of grandeur, all in separation of life, an infection of belief hiding a fear.

As the money has come to represent the “positive” and the real life, the physical, has come to represent the “negative” the lack of development as the physical grows ( disease) and the build up of money for the few grows, the system will tumble, as the superior is masking what grows with and as it, the inferior as the physical in lack. The tower will fall as the ones with the money babel away in superiority standing on soap boxes/platforms masking the infection of fear, used to maintain the illusion and separation from life manifest as energy, this which cannot stand as it is in separation from life.

TIme to clean all of this up.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear facing my own inferiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to accept inferiority, which means I ran from problem solving, I did not use myself as life, in common sense to communicate a solution within what is best for all, and instead separated myself from life, from what is real this physical world, and thus I self created my own lack of expression in and as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that all projections I have created in and as myself, as the roles and personas,and characters I accepted and allowed to stand as me, instead of as myself as life, one and equal to life of which this physical world is, in an effort to survive within a system of inequality that is a system of separation from equality and thus a system of inferiority and superiority that creates lack for this physical world, and the accumulation of seeming abundance in the form of money for a few who hide from equality as the value as what is the same within each of us that is life, the illusion is superiority.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand all the characters I exist as that can be heard as they are the thought of myself within the desire to be superior and/or the belief that I am inferior, when this is looking at my own accepted and allowed separations and not what is actually physically here, which is myself as myself being within and as common sense as the realization that I am life and that this is the value as what is here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that when I am emotional, I am not actually physically here, I am within a desire in and as wanting something, where the being as the wanting of something is myself in separation from life here, as what is real is that everything is here and thus the solution is here right in front of us as life, so, what is here that is creating abuse and lack can be solved into and as what supports life, it is only up to us, as man, to stand up and allow what is here, that is being masked by a stance of superiority and inferiority which is a state of separation, that exists as energy and not the constant in and as life as sound/substance of life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not have seen realized and understood that yesterday when I was working with my son, I had to yell at him because a chain saw was going and making a lot of noise, and he stopped and threw a tantrum because I yelled at him and it scared him, and he went into a big emotional storm about how I scared him, and I could not react to this, and he could not “here”, hear me, as he was already within a storm of emotion as fear within the scenario, thus we had to separate, as I also knew he was busy writing a very large paper for his work and was already stressed and in fear of this, which is unacceptable, yet the storm has risen and thus needed to subside. And within this I realize that my starting point with the total action had not been worked out in common sense, so I had to let this go for the moment, yet with the words spoken by my son I could hear the whole litany of his fear and my own which is why I had not started the whole event within common sense. This was not the fault of the woman/man as object but the action with the man and the woman in totality, thus this will have to be walked again within common sense as the very expression of what existed was not clear, and within this any action of blame is pointless, as this is not solution as the means to develop understanding within the whole action required within the event. And within this, for any person to blame another, or to want to abdicate responsibility to and towards anything that exists on this earth, is an act of separation from life, the only “action” available as support, as what one would like to receive, is to move within and as common sense, as equality, all else is separation from life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt shame for what i had accepted and allowed to be developed as my son, within and as an emotional tantrum of blame, where this is also of no common sense solution, the allowance must be realized, forgiven and directed within solution as what is best for all, as giving what one would like to receive as what is best for all, meaning to be no act of blame, but to be the voice within and as common sense in directing within a solution that is best for all.

I forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to escape from facing my own fears as what I have accepted and allowed, as there is a lot of existential separation existent within the present survival/profit based system of inequality where many react within and as their very accepted and allowed separations into and as energy as emotion and feelings, where they fear losing money and what positions that exist within receiving this money to survive, and thus the actions of spite and blame and hiding exist, which are unacceptable and destructive of life, where they agree that this system must change yet do not see that they are the ones, the collection of those fearing change and thus are the cause, as all must stand up within this system, thus waiting for someone else is an act of blame and spite, where verbally it is acknowledged yet no action is taken and this is the only way out, for all within this system to stand and change this system to a system that supports all life, as life is the value.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand how the only solution is to walk the change from existing within separation in and as inferiority and superiority into and as equality utilizing common sense, as what is best for all is best for self, as that any judgement and spite and blame and bullying action cannot touch me unless I accept and allow this, as this is energy and thus inconstant and unstable and has not real ground on which to stand and thus is nothing to fear, as it is fear, as it is separation from what is real, the value that is here, that is life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that common sense as self as life is not something to suddenly find and exist as, it is to be realized constantly as self here in every breath , in every moment,  as we have stood within inequality in and as a belief within and as separation from what is real, as life, it will take time to remain constant as being life where taking all that has been allowed in separation back to self and realizing self as life here, as the manifestation of the principle of oneness in equality, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand the multiple characters I exist as in an effort to survive, in separation from myself, here.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I was taught to exist within these characters to ensure the survival of myself and my family through my parents as this is the heritage, the heretics in separation from life value within and as abdication of self as life in fear of standing as life, choosing relationships to define self instead of realizing self as life, as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see the character I existed as, as guilt, for having allowed and accepted the behaviors existent within and as  my son.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as the emotion of sadness to and towards my son, as the reactive behavior in and as fear manifest as a tantrum of same “cry” as blame and spite in lack of self as life within and as common sense as solution within the given scenario in which this played out.

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted a thought of anger to and towards my son, as a character righteous and reactive to behaviors, the being and having of self within and as blame and spite as reaction instead of breathing in and being one with breath, here in common sense within a developing understanding of how the human works as mind within thoughts, emotions and feelings being the signifiers of separation from common sense, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have believed that since I was a woman it would be better for my manly son to have held the chain saw, which was my self existing as the character of the woman and not using my common sense, walking the task slowly, which was a task I had spent time working through and thus I was more prepared to face the job, but I allowed and accepted a belief that it should be done by a man and not myself, as I feared the machine, which is silly because I take care of my own lawnmower etc.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become the character of disgust at the actions of my son, where this was really disgust with myself for not having been self responsible, and also realized within this that my son is stressed and thus inclined to being emotional, and thus asking him to help me was like asking a preoccupation as action to step out of character where there has not been practice within this, yet, this must be done, avoidance is not a solution on another level as well.

Within this, I  forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become the character of futility, where I judge there being a “right” moment and a “wrong” moment, as there is only here, and thus no right or wrong moment within and as interacting in common sense of what is here and what existentially exists within the present system.

I forgive myself for allowing and and accepting myself to have existed as the character of the woman alone needing help, believing, within and as an act of self pity, that being alone , here within my existential responsibilities that something is missing, when life is here, and all that is needed is right here, and that there is actually no reason why my son cannot become involved within the requirements in taking care of this place on which I exist at the moment, thus I am not actually alone, it is just an idea in and as my mind that does fits what is propagated as the picture perfect idea of a social structure based on opinions supporting separation from self as life, and supporting a system of inequality by forcing limited expressions as to how life should look, be, present itself in and as.

I commit myself to realizing all moments where I begin to move myself into and as energy as response, as outplay, as emotion and feeling, based on ideas, beliefs and opinions, manifest as characters and personas, as my survival suit, learned in childhood from parents of like suit, where I am actually “following suit” in separation from life, into seeing only what supports a system of inequality as what I have accepted and allowed where I believe myself to be inferior and or superior as I have accepted such definitions of myself through accepting and allowing labels instead of moving myself within and as the life that I am, that which is the substance of what is here, as what supports me, as what I consume in separation from equality as this, as I have learned label instead of self direction as life, as I have made the mind as map maker, as memory holder my directive and not the substance of myself as life, that which is able to exist in oneness and equality as the value is this.

I commit myself to no longer allow the separations of myself into and as energetic reaction as my personality, my survival suit in self interest that was not taught to look at the whole, to see the physical as what is real, and to instead read a screen of memories from a halo around my eyes, that which is held in high esteem in the paintings of out churches and past that actually is a separation into and as a belief that there is something superior beyond this existence when this is in itself a separation from what is physically here, as the substance as life, as this is made a religion, to actually separate and divide us from actually being life here, where should we become one and equal to this physical world we would transcend death and thus realize ourselves as life, as this is the power, as this is what is real, thus is religion an act of separation from life, utilized to create lack within this physical world, to allow a few to create a piece of paper where the resources of this earth are divided unequally creating “more” for a few, thus  commit myself to removing this halo of separation, as a survival suit, a separation, a distraction from life, through the desteni i process, to self forgive this screen that separates and constricts myself into burning and consuming my human physical body into ash and a non-transcendent-of-life death and to correct the being of myself here into and as oneness in equality with the physical, the real tool of life expression, through writing all of this out, to place what I have accepted and allowed into and as words to see, realize and understand what I have allowed in separation from myself as life.

I commit myself to becoming a respect for life, through realizing what i have accepted and allowed in and as my mind, as my thoughts, emotions and feelings, and to no longer allow these to surface as the personality and character of myself to no longer allow this to be what i am here, as I continue to self correct through scripting myself as life, in oneness and equality here, to bring all the pieces of myself back to self to enable myself to stand as life.

I commit myself to realizing there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

I commit myself to no longer connecting fear to what is the directive within and as me here.

I commit myself to, no matter what, allowing the curtains of the mind to be what directs me here, as I remain here, within and as breath.

I commit myself to standing up within the systems of separation, to being the separations into what is directive within what is best for all here.

I commit myself to letting go what rises up within and as me as emotions , thoughts and feelings that are not to fear but to see as an act of separation from myself as life, where I breath, bring this all back to self and let it go.

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Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have an inner tantrum  where the voice in my head is criticizing my son for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed with my son for  spending time and money on smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn this into this emotion of being generally annoyed at my son because he for smoking pot.

I forgive myself for then, seeing everything he does as being annoying.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to slowly build this big energetic presence of annoyance towards my son which will end up in a big “blow out.”

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all I can do is continue to reveal the effects of pot and slowly get this into his “head” that smoking pot is not in any way solving that which is causing him to want to escape from the world into a zombie state of inaction, and that the solution is to face what he considers a “problem” in and as himself, become responsible and direct himself.

Within myself, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel as though I am failure because I have not managed to stop my son from smoking pot, as pot is ubiquitous within my society, to the point where mothers and fathers I know smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt like a prude because I do not smoke pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that my son is now 19 years old, and must  begin to realize his own actions as “his” actions.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about what will become of my son if he keeps smoking pot.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what I can do, is speak up, and model the walking of myself into and as oneness in equality with what is real, the physical, where he will either take the words I speak, like a seed planted to be used, or he will choose to take the road of consequence, regardless, he will eventually realize himself as life, the play-out is in his hands.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be reactive about my son’s pot smoking, taking this personally as though I am not clear enough, or aggressive enough, when I have tried many tactics, and that perhaps the cumulation of all of this will eventually have an effect, as we are organic robots, and what is placed within us is what we become, unless we stand and become our own directive principle of oneness in equality, which is myself directing myself in and as life, and not as the values so obviously presented and limited within out society through media and family, values of more than and less than, where the color of someone’s skin determines their value, when they are obviously one and the same, especially in a world where it is known that education determines a person’s ability to be successful in this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be embarrassed that my son is smoking pot, and to claim I do not know where this comes from, as I never enjoyed pot and thus was never inclined to us this, yet in high school it was everywhere, and at the time, I tried to hide the fact that I did not enjoy pot, as it made me unable to socialize because all I wanted to do was stare at the stars, or at a crumb on the sidewalk where the after experience of any kind of revelation remained unknown and I had no idea what was going on socially  , so smoking pot made me unable to participate socially, which is actually what is happening with my son as he is avoiding facing himself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spend time wondering why I did not end up smoking pot, and why my son is smoking pot.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed that my son, who has had an education and done well on tests, has had so much education and opportunity, and yet he is smoking pot and - yes- masterbating, which is actually considered the norm these days, thus all I can do is speak up, again and again, and use how children are programmed, through speaking directives that he will either chose to realize or not.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that there are times when he has come to me to complain and I just look at him, and he suddenly realizes that he is being an emotion and feeling of infinite design.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pull back in silence , when he becomes short tempered and exhibits anger, which I must learn to face without emotional reactions of frustration in and as myself, as all there is is the principle of oneness in equality, as he is me and I am him.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, and see the reactions of anger and rejection, as storms in teacups, as tantrums, where blame and spite will not resolve the separations into and as singular beingness as emotion and feelings based on fear and uncertainty, as my son has admitted that he is very afraid of this world, which is, being common sense because this world is a world of inequality, where life is not the value considered, as what is the actions of men is that of survival, as money determines who lives and who dies, and is used by the few to grab all resources for their own self interested benefit, as they as my son -who is a product of this abusive system- are one and the same, lost in a mind of separation into parts having become walking picture screens of memories, following values as emotions and feelings and thoughts that are inconsiderate of their own oneness and equality in and as life, as what is here, as what is constant and the source of what is is that they are in fact, that which has been used to create an alternate reality in and as mind as this was believed to be an existence of more than.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that worry, annoyance and frustration with my son is not the solution, and that perhaps he is simply showing me my own resistances as what I am accepting and allowing.

I commit myself to no longer seeing resistance as a mountain to walk over.

I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to make a mountain out of a tantrum, and to breath and to, within breath, see the problem as simple, and to take responsibility and direct myself within this as the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to letting go of tantrums and to realize that if I allow my emotions and feelings to become big, I am actually making a mountain out of something small.

I commit myself to using breath, to bring myself back to myself as life, and to slow down until I can realize what the emotion, feeling and thought, as a character, based on a belief of more than and or potential loss of this supposed more than, as a memory/experience based on my past as what I have been taught to survive within a system that does not support life, and I realize this separation into and as energy and I stop and I direct myself within what is best for all.

I commit myself to stepping out of myself as the mother character of worrying about the future of her son.

I realize that being worry about the future of my son, as his mother, is non-directive within the principle of what is best for all, and that my son will face difficulties as the present system on earth does not support life, but uses what is here to support a system of inequality, a system of survival, where nothing is truly allowed to be developed and all the resource of this earth is to serve the self interest of a few, where the few with the control are also not developing themselves as life, as they spend all their time pulling the levers behind the curtain of separation between the haves and the have nots.

I commit myself to realizing that how this system currently exists will only cause emotions of frustration if I accept and allow this, as what is here is a system that must be walked through and cleaned up to support all life, where this begins with myself becoming myself as life, in and as the directive principle of oneness in equality, where all that is here is realized to be one and equal to myself, where  all emotional separation- as this is what emotion is - can be directed “back” to itself as life and not become a consequence as the illusion existing as a separation from life as an energetic smoke screen of emotions and feelings that are cultivated by a profit based system of greed to maintain ignorance of self as life from being here, all of which has been created by each and every one of us, and accepted and allowed by each and every one of us.

Life Review

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Artwork by Andrew Gable