In searching for a way through, I ignore the totality of here, even within what has been accepted and allowed as personification of the past to avoid self responsibility, I become mired in habit, in the past as creation of myself here as this is the detail with which I have built myself, my morality with chains of words that reiterate this and justify this, as this is how I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate in survival.
My children were much younger, small. I sometimes felt trapped within caring for them and myself. At times I felt I had not time for myself, and at times I felt that I was so limited within exposing my children to the world. The means of financial support locked us in one place as a family, and the responsibility of school locked us in place. I could not move out of this. Thus the only exposure to animals from other continents were the local natural history museum that was right down the street from me, where there were these dark hallways with lighted storefront like windows with stuffed carcasses of exotic animals. So, I took my children to look at the dead every so often.
I think the transition times were the most difficult because there was not really enough time to concentrate on something, maybe enough to just barely hold onto something but not really move forward, as I saw this. In the afternoons I would become so tired that I wanted to sleep and sometimes I did, but i had to fight to stop this because it was not a solution.
I think it was this time that I had this thought that somehow heaven was no different than here on earth, that whatever was going on was not changed within going to heaven. In other words it was all the same. THe second part of the thought was that something needed to be faced and cleaned up and that all of this was somehow “ outside” of this problem. I did not have the tools, instead I tried to organize myself to not allow the tiredness in the afternoons, this heavy feeling that would come like clock work. I did not stop to think that it was the very state of myself as my emotions and feelings as this tiredness that was the cog in the wheel as my behavior, all based on my past, and self judgements. I did not even have the ability to tell anyone that I had this thought, as somehow these insights that popped up once in a while I kept to myself, as though I had been trained to remain silent within them. Here I have memories of my family and relatives telling me I was other-worldly, intuitive, spacey, odd, without any kind of explanation, just titles that sometimes I took to mean I was special but always that odd sense that somehow this explained nothing and if I spoke up I just received more of the same, so I learned that there were some things that were not spoken of, and if I did speak up I accepted a lack of response. Sometimes I did it just for the hell of it as there was nothing to lose.
But, this is acting superior, as in believing that I am alone, as it is a separation from equality and oneness. It is the same as not facing what is here that is what separates as the past constructing the self validation as the facade as the projection of self abdication using a more than and/or less than quality system to hide from being self responsible as life. Our built survival suits, really to survive our own created fears of being life. Like, “ Okay, I can’t face this now, just let me wrap this idea i have of myself around me for a moment longer.” And in the comfort of this I/one fell asleep. We are all sleeping beauties, but it is not the kiss that will wake us, it is allowing the touch of life to be recognized as what we are that is what wakes. it is the symbology as associations we accept and allow that are the walls of our burial into sleep. The material of sleep the morality of culture, class, gender, religion, creating a mix of relative values argued in separation from physical reality.
Thus, I cannot fear the facades, as this is the projection away from physical reality , from what is real here. In fearing to face these facades that are compositions of values within relatives to class and gender and self definition as behaviors of supposed positive and negative values used to define ourselves and when questioned are instead of being faced reacted against as hurting feelings that are basically facade maintenance in not facing what is happening on earth to life on other parts of the planet, and even here where I live. One example is the disappearance of the horse shoe crab.
So, I doubt myself in facing this facade, as the reactions, and I also have desires and expectations that catch me up in an idea that I have failed because i imagine and outcome instead of remaining here where things are solved and brought back, so when I try to fix what is here, I end up trying to control what is here and weigh myself in comparison to an expectation/desire for success. And this does not exist, as there is no success, there is only here. What is on the outside of a layered facade as a personality, as ignorance, as protection and defense, as hiding, can only be faced as the layer before me, as the beliefs, opinions and ideas, voiced, moved as, here, the separations that are only limitationsfrom being equal and one with the substance of life here.
If I look at these limitations I realize the structure in which I lived limited me. The financial limitations were the form of the system. Insane that dead animals were the allowed choice for children to supposedly have exposure. What I focus on here is the focus within myself. So, within these times when I felt tired, I looked only at the existential limitations and did not consider my own thoughts as being limitations, even when I stopped to not allow the tiredness.
All of this was the consequence of a lack of structure within. Meaning, a lack in having a clear direction that addressed uncertainty absolutely. Since i am a physical beingness here, how i move myself here within this needs a sense of structure of which the physical gives as it is what i am here, both being of the substance of life.
Thus, if I am within imagination as idea, especially as the idea, the very very limited idea, as needing to make a living to survive, and that is limited systemically to only certain venues as professions, and these professions are all in service to a few who reap the profits and thus return their profits to maintain their disproportionate gains that create incredible lack for so so many, which is removing supportive structure to the physical world, as life, these ideas I allow that are the morality taught to adhere to this purposeful lack I have really not looked here, and I have not realized a structure within that gives clear directions through the fear of loss as I have not taken the time to slow down, and move from fear and uncertainty and looked here as myself to realize how to move where yes, others can help within this, but ultimately I must structure myself as direct myself here, and I must realize that everything that is here must learn/have this is well, every human, this an innate capacity as life that has no direction because it has not been accepted and developed by self, not allowed systemically through absence, not given, not SHARED, not communicated. Thus we are all to blame for not stopping and looking at what would structurally absolutely allow each human to develop themselves as what they are as life both as physical support and inner directives as an order of being able to self direct as what is inherent within and as the substance that is what each of us is, which is life.
This is the mess that has created the separation from life, the lack in structure in self development within and as life, of which each of us has accepted and allowed, and instead created a system of such divisions that a separate reality/dimension as heaven was created for a few to hide from reality, from facing themselves, this all a huge division from life, from equality to and as life, this made so huge that it is the only thing believed to be real, when it is a far from the truth as we can probably possible get. It is the veil as energythat is the separation from life. Heaven was a projection in separation from equality and oneness to and as life as what we are, as that which used the physical world as what was real, to sustain itself. And this makes sense because why separate heaven? Life would be “ heaven “ as what life is! Thus the idea that this is somewhere else is and indication that there is great separation from life going on, and that separation is because there is a lack of directive capacity within being here, equal to the physical reality. And the lack of having a directive supportive structure is no fault but our own because we did not look. And the outward system we have all accepted and allowed on earth, is a consequence of this lack in directive capacity within each of us, and any fear is a state of imagination in loss, where the answer is to give self common sense direction within and as what is best for all, as all that is here is of life, equal and one to and as what we all are. Thus there is no choice but to stand and change the system as the many hands of men that we are into a system that supports all life as life being the value, which is a system of equality, using what we have created to get this in place, which is money, to do what is best for all, to allow the forms that are here to function within themselves as life, to provide the structure within and without to be self directive as life, realizing that fear is simply not having the directive clarity, which is unnecessary as the physical as the substance of life, by nature can consider itself within and as what works, what is best for all, as each is one with life, and yet individual as self, thus everything is connected.
As, well, is it so with myself, individually here. If I allow imagination as expectation based on limited survival morality that is in separation from realizing the physical world is what is real, and I have accepted and allowed this as directive, then I am so busy with this that i am not looking here, and within this at this point, I have to realize the separations from here and the lack in self directive as life structural learning/habits in others, and I have to realize that if I continue to accept and allowed a survival morality that is extremely limited and based on fear from a starting point that began within myself as not having built a structure that is directive absolutely within equal consideration and respect for life, than I will only perpetuate separation from life, for myself and thus for all, which means “ heaven as life” will not be what is created/accepted.
So, within my allowing myself to be expectations I am being an expression of a survival morality and as this I become consciousness as this is the construct of a survival morality and is in separation from life. Then within this I judge myself and am no longer self honest as life. The means and the way beyond/out of/ equalizing myself to life, is to self forgive myself for my separations into limitations that were of hiding from life, protection and defense for my limited morality, acts of comparison to compete and measure progress within this limitation and fear, and to correct and give a directive structure to and as myself using the principle of equality of life, realizing that I cannot be life until I respect/understand life as this is how life will respect/understand back as me as it as what i am and you are.
It is to realize that our survival morality play has scorched the physical world, and to stop and to begin to direct ourselves structurally within equality and oneness, realizing life is the value, and giving ourselves this so that this becomes what exists on earth absolutely as this is “ heaven” on earth, the only place where “ heaven” can exist, to prove that we are all able to be the gift given, which is a gift we give ourselves, which is life.
So, I will begin to walk self forgiveness and corrective application, to align a limited survival morality into a corrective self directive that is what is best for all as this is what is best for myself, to give as I would like to receive, to respect life so that life will respect me back, which is to equalize myself to life, here. This needs no killing, no war, no conflict, as it is simply accepting and allowing here, earth and working with this as the form that it is, to equalize with and as it, and once this is done, which will take some time, to begin the journey to life, as this journey is not really begun until each and every thing on earth is equal and one to and as life. It cannot be any other way, that is common sense.
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