Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Day 349 A full self in the words, here?

I am working on a text and I suddenly realize within trying to make the words be me, as in hearing, hereing every word that all this roller coaster stuff is going on. My market of marks, my bills of sale, where I souled myself, where I have more than the story I am directly telling. A story of self judgement I hope no one sees because it is where I don’t want to face here. it is where I am afraid to be revealed, it is where I reject here, it is how I separate from the words directly, it is where I suppress, hold back, do not move with here. All manner of fear.
I have to remind myself that here moves, here breaths, here is being and how being here can be seen and realized. It is not to fear. I’ll have to practice jumping into here - so to speak.
If I don’t face my own marked fears, how can I see and barter with the fears of others? To be and become a barter that is best for all, as what is best for self is what is best for all?
                                          I " lie" is an omission of equal consideration of all life.

So, I am reading this script and as I notice all the reactions within working with what I am trying to say as I have talked with teachers, families, administrators where the conversation ended abruptly, where there were reactions, as the person went from looking straight at me, to down casting their eyes, or unfocusing their eyes here, where there was no longer a presence of and as them moving with me, as though a field of a lesser self, a protective self, a defending self , a “ half” self became the voice, like the models in New York becoming a substance of a lesser presence- so to speak. I look back at these reactions and I see realize and understand that I am doing the same within me, as though I have a perpetual picture show that manifests as pictures - if I slow myself down enough - and move within as a sinking away from here, a rejecting movement from here as adivision of self into a fear of loss, a judgement of not being good enough, upheld by the memories as moralities of the cult of separation that is this system of inequality, an outward manifestation of what each of us has accepted and allowed within. And then the positive that is a justification of the fear, that comes raging forward, excited shaking ever so slightly seeming, tense, like the zombies in the movies, like one is in some kind of orgasmic state and believes this will lead to a bullseye, a bullish act, and when the miss is the outcome in this dream, this separation, confusion ensues, the register then checked. Somewhere in the movement of this it is realized that self did not consider practical common sense of the physical world, but the habit is the personification as communication and not a “ full self” in common sense here.

And I have been doing this for so long, it will take slow careful practice, not to become frustrated with, not to make huge, as the previous acts are making separation huge, mistakes. But, to see them as the solid development of realignment into and as self responsibility, self direction, self awareness. It is like inverting the information and knowledgeaccumulated as the divisions into judgements and to see how these constructs have taken parts of self that are not good or bad, and stopped watching the flow of life in totality, here. It is like knowing there is something wrong but trying to use accumulated data that is limited to find the cause of the “ wrong”, when it is the limitation as the data that missed the total action as the physical of the anecdotal action from which the data was selected. Sound like the game our government plays, carefully selected data, that disallows some movements of the physical that contradict the wanted outcome of profit, through shortening the duration of studies, of monitoring the anecdotal, to avoid un profitable outcomes, an absolute crime against life, destructive of self and earth and thus the children unborn, the animals unborn, the trees not yet breathing, moving to provide oxygen. Profit before life stops life and the effects are everywhere, in every town. The presence of drugs and alcohol are a testament to this.

So, as I practice this script, as I write this out here, I have to bring these self insecurities back to self, these separations into and as fear ( that do not an action of self equality and oneness here, as self forgiveness, make) to see where I am allowing this and where the other is allowing this and to correct within and as what is sound as the expression as the interaction as the physical as life here, to see realize and understand the only choice is self expression in and as life here, that this would move with ease, thus there is no need to force, thus there is no need for taking anything personally the only “ re-action” is (self) correction within and as what is best for all. It is like practicing playing a note in tune, like moving from a point of no desire, as an acceptance of here, the physical. Each of us can only do this for ourselves, as it should be, as this is a gift to enjoy, here. Does this mean I am here? no. I can already see there is a lot to practice. lol. My feet need to learn to run along the track of life, as all of me here, this that is the sound of equality and oneness to and as life here, the actual physical world the “ sign post” showing the way, where disease is the separation from life.

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