Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 293 Disgust Character Memory: Self Resistance

I have this memory coming up of my husband. He is propped up on the bed with his legs expended out straight. He is slowly rubbing his feet against one another. It was something he did when he sat and read or dealt with paper work on the bed in this way. I remember feeling disgusted by this, and even asking myself why I was having this reaction.
So I look at this as a projection, this “wave” as this emotion of disgust and I bring this back to myself. I slow myself down and I breath. And there it was, this was me, this had absolutely nothing to do with him, this is a piece of the “shell” of myself, within judging, that I have imposed on the reality around me, believing this to be “out there” when it is a movement as energy of my own volition. It is a “volume of separation” , distortion of reality, myself not facing myself. I am the one creating this state of being as “disgust” in the face of a reality that is simply being physical. I mean what the hell is wrong with rubbing one’s feet together? Animals rub against things all the time, even each other, they even lick themselves.
I looked at this “feeling” of disgust and it is how I feel about myself. It is myself disgusted with myself for not being in common sense here, with this physical world,it is myselffearing being common sense, as though being this, is something dirty and unwanted.
In another blog I wrote that asking others to look at something in common sense creates a reaction, as leaving the “text book/blueprint “ of the mind appears threatening, as this means letting go of what is actually causing the seeking, a perpetual state of seeking something, and spewing tons of data, as knowledge and information only, as though this is “the way to go”, which is like a “chicken running around with it’s head cut off”, so to speak, meaning, this is what one is actually doing, running around dead when common sense is not used.
I have to remember a scene with my father a couple of years ago, where I tried not to be the reactive behaviors I had been, and tried to talk with him instead, and what happened is that he looked at me and said , “ I don’t know how to stop what I do” and to see him be this was jarring to me, a woman at this point, as his daughter, to watch. I realized how frightened we all really are, how this has come to be so huge, we cannot see around it, or taking this on and walking through this, walking through this valley of the shadows of fear, is so seemingly “looming” there appears to be no way out. But there is a way out, it is to begin to “clean up the soot” of the fear and clear the waters of self of the separation into and as fear, this covered by and readable as moments of emotions and feelings, and thoughts, such as I have described above, this memory, laced with this emotion of disgust and an image from my past, where obviously I am not in common sense of here and am existing within some fantastic domain that is really about what i have acceptedand allowed in self judgement, knowing full well I have suppressed myself as life.
Why would two feet rubbing together cause a disturbance within me?
Was it the simple “sensing” nature of this? ( I wanted to say sensual but thought this would bring in a sexual element and this has nothing to do with this) Were those two feet rubbing together just simply what I was not allowing within myself as being myself as life, here? Like I am disgusted with this because it reminds me of what i am not using as what I am as life, sensing here, and to realize what i have created within my life in not allowing this? not being in touch with myself here? Has the physical touching the physical become something that generates disgust? Which in essence is saying that common sense is something dirty, and I react, as other react when common sense is applied or suggested as this means facing one’s separations, facing one’s “valley of shadows” that are one’s fears? Just as i looked and realized this disgust had nothing to do with my husband as this was ME, this was about ME, I was creating this, I was projecting this, this was me denying what i was allowing, and this event was the presence of what I resisted within and as my self, and so this persistent feeling of “disgust” as what I reject as the gift of life, is the answer to remove this separation, this shadow, what I am resisting persisting in and as mind, causing moments of emotions and feelings and judgmental thoughts that become a movie projection ontop of this reality. It is like a vortex/tunnel of sending a message outward where I am screaming ( silently) a “need/desire” and feeling physically a sinking feeling/movement and then not wanting to look at it and attaching it to the outer thing/image where if I were to actually stop and breath and listen to my chest it is really a longing to be myself as life, in common sense of myself as life, here. That is just one fucked up state of being, and obviously it is not living. And this is also systemic, because it has a series of movements/generations and thus, though not visibly/readily seeable, it can be “felt” if one simply takes the time and slow down and breathe.
So, I am going to look at this “disgust” as this is not walking in common sense, and it is absent of a directive capacity, and it indicates resistance, and what is resisted persists, as the separation into polarities of good and bad, as placing disgust onto the object and wanting to to “go away’ as though it is not me, is myself believing myself to be superior, as in “ not of this” projection that I believe is out there and not here, because I have been taught to follow such images as reality as mind, and really believe that such is not of myself. Such a thing would create so much inability to communicate on this earth, and this is exactly what is happening all over the world, a lack of communion with what is real, this physical substantive existence and how this physical functions. At present it is like mankind is doing the exact opposite of what is supportive of life. Sending flying shooting guns, as drones to depressed countries is NOT supportive of life, and there is absolutely no reasoning to substantiate this. Shooting things does not clean water, it does not grow food, it does not physically practically rebuild homes and take care of soils and animals, in no way shape or form is this an action of support and it is a waste of resource. It is about money and nothing else, it is money in self interest without consideration of life, it is a state of separation and thus, disease and it needs to be voted out and stopped ASAP. And we are all responsible. So, look at your limited reasoning and your projections and get your head out of the clouds. Flying shooting drones is not life, and yet, is clearly indicates that the technology is here to create world where all needs as life can be met. And I am sure there are inventors out there, that are disgusted with what has been developed to support abuse and destruction, when the intent was to create a world that supported life. Here one only need look to water purification systems that would alleviate the effects of dirty water in purposely left/disallowed undeveloped countries on continents that are abundant in resource.
The con-sequence of con-tradictions are to obvious to deny any longer.
So, if you experience a projection of disgust, know it is you, as what you have accepted and allowed, and it will persist the more you resist, the more you project it outward. And what it is, is you longing for yourself as life, longing for a return of your self as life to a common sense, one and equal, to and as life.

To be continued.

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