Day 42 my sons

Day 42 

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to worry about my sons.

I forgive myself for for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that worrying about my sons is not the solution, to stop this worry and to explain how this world system works, so that my sons desire to understand this system through self motivated research and to within this recognize and understand their own influences and behaviors and the influences they will face as they become adults within a system that does not place the value that is here, that is life, before anything else.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want an instant understanding of what is here, where, when my son reads a self forgiveness blog he becomes silent and then falls asleep, as he has told me he is scared of the world and fears facing this world, which means he must learn to realize fear for what it is and within this I realize that I must remain calm and breath, otherwise I tend to go into a mother persona instead of relating to my son as all as one as equal and place my self in his shoes.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my son is talking to me more, and thus this is a small step, one of many that will be needed to stop the dominance of the mind as the authority on earth and birth life into the physical, something that has never existed here on this earth, where we all know we have separated ourselves from this physical world, as we age and die without any understanding or awareness of this physical world, where if the human had understanding there would no longer be starvation, disease, pollution, animal extinction, as these behaviors, accepted and allowed are indicative of a world that is not in fact organized to support that which we are, that which supports us as what we are, life, and within this, a realization that if this cannot be seen and understood than there is seriously something amiss with the human.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that any person/human that is able to read and access the internet that encounters this message, the message of oneness and equality, and the presentation of a system that supports all life, an equal money system, that does not realize that what is here, as this physical world, that which support life as what we are, that is presently in a mess, with extinction, child sex trafficking,  starvation, plastic islands floating out in the middle of our oceans, radiation, depleted uranium affecting the formation of human babies and the lives of soldiers, and does not see, realize and understand how much of a fuck up this is is indicative that that human is lacking development and is a walking programmed set of words without any real awareness.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to blame my self for what lack of awareness and existence as fear my sons have become, where within this I have no time for self pity, or self blame, as what is here must stop, as what need be done is every step necessary to put and end to this self destruction of the earth caused by the very fear existent within my sons and my self.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that there is no time for fear, as fear, when it is what i become,  must be faced with breath and self forgiveness and self corrective application as, fear is the separation of my self from my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that any thought, any emotion, and feeling is a red flag of my separation from my self as life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am a programmable organic robot and that the present system that exists seeks profit for the few, and thus promotes all manner of desires, wants and needs to fill the focus of my self and direct me into wants, needs and desires that never satisfy and only lead to death, a death of no awareness of what lies beyond death, where I am so brainwashed that I actually believe that I cannot know what comes at death and that this is in the hands of some separate god, where as a parent with two sons, all I would want for my children is that they be able to direct themselves as life and that a “real” god, would want nothing else but life, want nothing else but self development towards a self perfected being and not what is allowed and accepted on this earth, where children are sold into sex, where animals are disregarded and become extinct, where the waters of this world have huge floating islands of plastic, where sons and daughters of men are afraid of life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see, realize and understand that the very fabric of what is here has not created a world that is absent of abuse, thus the very fabric of what exists is the problem and not singular relationships within this system that have become the focus of men, lost in one thread of this fabric at a time, no longer able to see the whole tapestry of the very structure of what is accepted and allowed on this earth as the way resource is distributed via a piece of paper that gives ownership to a few and thus does not consider all life.

I commit my self to sharing blogs with my son.

I commit my self to sharing my own behaviors that are my self in separation from my self as life.

I commit my self to sharing the order of my personalities as a collection of my past as what I have accepted and allowed to be what I believe my self to be that is in separation from what is actually physically here and only reveal to my self my own collection of believed and accepted inferiorities and feel good superiorities, that if i have a look have no awareness of this physical world.

I commit my self to sharing how I face my own fears, where often my son has insight that has helped me to face my own habituated fears as he is life, and thus are we one and equal to one another and need not fear exposing our own accepted and allowed fears.

Day 41 Spite as defense of mind imagery/label

Day 41 Spite as defense of mind imagery/label

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that when I face people I am defensive  and that this defense is spite, that this very action is my self in fear of loss, where I have become so singular as mind I am no longer aware of the fact that this defensive action that is of spite if my self fearing the loss of a fixed idea i have of how I appear to this world, as mind, that is an imposed structure as conditions needed to survive within a hierarchy where money determines who lives and who dies.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to look at what actually I exist as, as I interact within this world, from the time I get out of bed in the morning to the time I go to sleep at  night, where I realize that my spite is often prevalent when I am not receiving a feel good response from another person within my world, where if I take the time to stop and to look as I realize my self being spiteful towards another, I am actually existing in competition as energy as I am not receiving an expected response to support a feel good experience of my self, a self validation of what I believe my self to be that I believe has worked to support me as a person of accomplishment giving my self meaning in relation to the world around me, as I have been taught to believe that the amount of knowledge and information I can recall, and the amount of material possessions I acquire determines my value, where any situation that does not validate this belief I have of my self is perceived as a threat to this constant re-validation I require to sustain this image I have of my self as this image is of energy and thus not real, and thus will dissipate if not perpetually acknowledged, where I am so involved within this image I have developed of my self since the day I was born through family, friends, education, media, religion, culture,  that I have lost sight of my self as life, that which is constant and needs no validation as the being of my self as life simply is, where what I seek as I desire to have relationships is this self as life, this constant that is my self as life, not realizing, seeing and understanding that it is the labels I exist as, as what I have been taught, to ensure my survival, that supports my existence within a system of survival , that is my self in separation from my self, as I have limited my self into parts, like a broken Humpty Dumpty, where it is only my self that can take all the labels as separations -as stagnation of my self into singular imagery, that can put my self back together with my self as that which is constant, as life.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that spite is a “push back” action, where I resist what does not support the positive image I have of my self, where I feel I am not accepted and within this realize that I am actually not really looking and listening to what is here, where should I listen to what is here I would understand that what I am spiting is actually my self  because what I am rejecting as I defensively spite is my self in another life and the same fear of rejection that I exist as within the being of my self as spite. Within this, if I took the time to communicate effectively, I would come to understand the same fears as I am motivated as, as this is the cause of my own defensive action that is of spite in fear of loss of what I have accepted my self to be as label in separation of my self as life.

I commit my self to breathing and taking the step to realize how much I exist as spite, where I have buried this spite under the ideas as positive thoughts of my self that I have developed that are of labels of what i believe my self to be.

I commit my self to breathing, to maintain a constant awareness of my self within a steady breath no matter what, and within this to watch the action of my self as mind, body and soul.

I commit my self to stopping my self from remaining in fear, as what spite and defensive action is, and to begin to look at what is physically here, where I will begin to realize that what I exist as within is no different than what others exist as within where a lack of communication is what separates equal understanding between two or more people.

I commit my self to breathing, developing a steady consistent breath within my self to become aware of how spiteful I am towards others as I begin to look beyond the ideas I have of my self.

I commit my self to breathing and within realizing how much defensive and spiteful action I exist as, as I practice remaining in breath, to begin to interact with spite, within and without with patience, where I realize that I have actually spent little time in my life actually listening to others and my self, as my behaviors are one and the same, and thus accepted, within a system of division and conquest to serve a system where money comes before life, where money determines life and how money is presently moved around on this earth, supports the stressful separation of my self as life, where I sense that something is not “whole” yet I am so caught up in the game of survival that I am missing what is right here, my self as life - that which I seek that does not require something separate from me to exist other than the needs of my human physical body, such as water, food and shelter, which is given freely by this earth, yet not by man, where earth, this physical world is why I am here and not the other way around.

7 year process to stopping the mind/nothingness

Facing your fears FB

Day 40 A state of ease.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that a state of ease is dependent on being with another person.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that, for instance , when I am walking with my dog and she is looking up to me and wagging her tail and I begin to laugh, this is being at ease.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that being at ease if contingent on being with another person, as is the morality taught within the roles dictated by the systems of relationships within this world imposed on a earth that gives with ease, unconditionally.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the cause of my own tension and dis-ease as I follow a mind consciousness system of energy where I believe that ease is contingent on specific wants, needs and desires fulfilled.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that as life I am a state of ease, where I exist in a physical world that gives unconditionally to allow my self to exist as life in a state of ease, where is it only I as a human abdicating my self as life that is the existence of my self in a state away from a state of ease.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe the images in and as my mind as being a sought after state of ease, when it is these pictures that are the cause of disease, as these pictures are a belief that a state of ease is separate from my self, where my self as life is ease as I become one and equal to all that is here as all that is here is of life as my self is of life, and thus it is my responsibility as life that is here, that I an able to exist in a state of ease as what I am.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the present debt system of money, where money determines of I live or if I die, perpetuates a state of dis-ease, creating stress and thus a more acidic environment within my human physical body where I then allow organisms within my human physical body to thrive that cause disease.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I fear for my own survival and within this I become competition and within this am constantly comparing and judging in order to ensure my own survival.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that my self as being in a state of ease is allowing my self to be life, and thus express life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see, realize and understand that this society created by the human is not supportive of the human being at ease with themselves, as the amount of disease in America clearly indicates what has been accepted and allowed as the very structure of the present money system is not causing ease within this country of the world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am the cause of my own disease, as I am constantly comparing my self to what is around me as though I am busy maintaining my position within the hierarchy of a system that demands that I have money in order to survive, a system that places ownership of unconditionally given life sustaining resources within the control of a few, who themselves are trying to survive, which is actually causing stress and dis-ease on this planet, a planet that provides what is needed for the human to exist in ease, to realize a heaven on earth and the ease of self as life giving as one would like to receive and that this is what all humans would enjoy being given the chance.

I commit my self to, within my self realize that the state of my self as life, in a state of self acceptance, self responsibility, self honesty is my self becoming unconditionally giving as that which this earth is, is my self in a state of ease, where I would be the same today, tomorrow and yesterday, which would be unchangeable as I would be  in a state of ease. , and thus not chasing and competing for my own survival.

I commit my self to stopping the wants, needs and desires of the mind, as these are the separations of my self into worry, and fear, away from my self moving as my self as life, being at ease with my self here, able to enjoy what is here as life, within and without.

I commit my self to being aware of my breath in every moment where my breath will remain constant, deep comfortable and at ease, one and equal to my self here as life, where I realize that my breath indicates the presence of my self here, where I am more able to make decisions than I would be if I allow my self to become anxious, fearful and wanting something outside of my self to determine the ability of my self to be in a state of ease.

I commit my self to  exposing how a system of debt causes anxiety and stress, as in order to live, money must come in to pay for my existence, where all around me is an earth that gives unconditionally and in abundance, thus money is not real, but has been accepted and allowed in and as the mind,, collectively by the human, to be the only expression of man, as the very nature of man, where man, if he would look at this world, is able to realize that this world is not supporting life and that is is the system that is the cause of disease on this planet.

Day 39 Family past and silence

Day 39 Family past and silence

My great Aunt, after I had spent a week with her, one day blurted out that I was a Riotte. The Riottes were a family line from Costa Rica, half Mayan and half German, well they came from Germany and went to Central America. Their lineage  may have been Portuguese jewish -  tribe of rabbinical jews - as what my father found in research, I say this because when my aunt said I was a Riotte she also stated why she said this. She said I had the deep quiet of these people, the Riottes. I looked at her in surprise, most people didn’t notice. This was a family trait.

It is a place I go, and I have been there lately. I remember going there when my husband snapped at me just before he died. He had never done this. I went dumb. Silence. Quiet.

Lately, I haven’t wanted to read words, speak words, look at words, see words. I have been here before, words seem tedious, linear, slow, limited. They do not say anything, they don’t express, they are too “flat.”

One time my parents were arguing, and they asked what I thought. I just looked at them and said, you are both saying the same thing. They continued to argue. I was studying music at college at that time, perhaps this has something to do with this, all I did was play music, I had to listen all the time, so I listened to their words and they were the same song, and trying to take the thing apart and explain what was “same” about it seemed an over whelming task. 

So, the words are beginning to seem to be saying the same thing again and again and again, and as knowledge and information, they hold no substance. Perhaps here is the problem.

Talking ‘at” people does not work, just playing notes does not work. Becoming the “sound” moves the sound. This in a way is trust, letting it all go and trusting becoming not an “at” but a “with.”  Being an “at” is wanting something, being a “with” involves much more physical presence. Does this involve first becoming silent? As there is no other place to go?

A resistance to words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to resist words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am ineffective in using words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words are limited.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that words are useless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that perhaps I am avoiding words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate my self from words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I do not know how to use words and that I always admired people who could use words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe I cannot know how to use words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become overwhelmed by words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that using words is difficult.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect fear to words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words move too slowly.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate my self from words.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to think of words as being a limitation.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to judge words as separate from me, to the point where I go dumb.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that words are pointless.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that becoming silent has something to do with my genes, which means I am not taking responsibility for my self.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to within this not realize that knowledge and information without application is useless and that it is not the words in and as themselves, but my application with words that is the resistance.

I commit my self to keep going, reading and speaking words, even at this point where I am resisting words.

I commit my self to pushing through this resistance to words.

I commit my self to pushing my self to read another blog tonight after I write this post, to face words.

I commit my self to pushing through this resistance to words and realize that what I resist persists.

I commit my self to become more aware of the words I use, and to use words within the principle of oneness in equality.

I commit my self to realize that within debates with others and understanding of words used has to be established or communication becomes assumptions ill defined leading to two people talking at one another without an effort put into understanding goes no where.

I commit my self to realizing that sometimes the habitual no longer works and that what ensues is a process of deconstruction, and that this necessitates a silence as the existent patterns no longer serve a purpose and here, all one can do is jump.

The 7 Year Journey to Nothingness

Desteni I Porcess 

Day 38 Flexibility/Movement

Day 38 Flexibility/Movement

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am a label, that a label, as what I am, defines me here as the expression I hold as my self continuously where I then spend my time validating in my relations within and as this world and the people with whom I interact not considering that life is expression and moves, where the ability of my self to move and express is dependent on this physical world and, where the care of this physical world involves awareness of this physical world and how this world functions,

within this I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to project ideas as what I am onto this physical world not realizing that in so doing I am ignoring this physical world as I have separated into an idea, focused on an idea instead of what is actually physically here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the stagnation of my human physical body, that which is the aging of my human physical body indicates where I have separated my self from this physical world and accepted my self as an idea of what i am in relation to what i have been taught as what i have accepted and allowed my self to become to fit into a system of being a woman and focusing on creating my self in the likeness and image of what a woman is in relations to the image of a woman superimposed on this world through advertising and media, through family and education, through religion and culture within and as the role of women down through the ages, where woman were seen as a fecund object of creation, and then a goddess, and then a virgin and then a whore and then a mistress and then a wife, a daughter, a sister, as mother, a teenager, a  lover, a witch, a angel, a business woman, a nun, holy, evil, even up to an object simply used for sex no matter the age of the woman.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow my self as a woman to realize that in allowing this to be the label as what I am I limit the expression of my self as life within a human physical body able to use many more senses than those in the service of sex and attending to a man.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to follow ideas, beliefs, and opinions instead of directing my self in common sense here in and as my human physical body in awareness of what is here as the physical world, being flexible with what exists here instead of rigidly following ideas of what I am determined by the roles within the family where the other family members have also followed roles as what and who they are according to a system propogating images and ideas of what the human is within a system that does not support life as being a value and instead supports limitations as expression as label in an effort to feed a system of money where the being of my self can be controlled to support the movement of money, which is the movement of unconditionally given earth resource to serve in the self interest of the existence of role play as expression of some humans being more than others when in fact all humans are the same, as all humans are life, one and equal as life, where some have access to self development and others do not, as a system of how money is used creates lack for some so that others can exist within an accepted and allowed game of inferiority and superiority.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not see, realize and understand that as a human I am one and equal to all humans and that it is only my development that creates an illusion of more than and less than, where development is just as the word implies, that development is the order of walking through the steps necessary to expand awareness of self as a human physical body into understanding how this physical world works, thus within a system of lack all that is happening is that some do not have the means and the physical support necessary to walk through the order of steps necessary for development of themselves as humans beings that are in a human physical body able to exist on this planet in common sense.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in existing as pictures in and as my mind I am following an idea, an image and not actually using my human physical body here, equal and one to this physical world.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in not developing the sense capacity of my human physical body and instead following images in and as my mind, I am not using the sense capacity of my human physical body and thus as my physical is not used it becomes stagnant and inflexible.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that my human physical body is capable of being developed to use its common sense, through following ordinary daily tasks and if I am in and as my mind following pictures I am so focused on these pictures that I no longer am able to sense with and as my human physical body and thus is my body not only rigid in following singular images directed from within but also lacking development as to become aware of my human physical body requires my full attention here and not in and as my mind as an image.

i forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that if I slow down and breath I can become aware of how much I am actually aware of my human physical body and how in breathing while completing simple daily tasks I can sense in every movement my own common sense of this physical world, where irritation, and impatience and rushing indicates how separate I actually am from this physical world and how I am not sharing my self as life one and equal to what is here that is of the same substance as life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to see, realize and understand that I cannot function unless I have water, food and shelter and thus that people living in poverty, homelessness and physically limited circumstances have no ability to develop themselves and thus to become aware of this world and how this world functions, where within a system of inequality, where some have more than others, such lack of development can allow some to have more than others where such a belief is accepted as that is the way things are, which is disregarding the fact that the human physical body, which is one and equal as all human physical bodies, that is a form that can be developed to be aware in common sense is simply not being allowed to be developed, which is a crime against life, spite towards life,as life is the value.

I commit my self to exposing the fact that what I am/be is determined on what I have experienced within my environment, and as this environment in which I live is this planet earth that gives its resource unconditionally, there is no excuse for any human physical body on this planet to not have equal access to what the human physical body needs to develop itself, since it is known that development is walking through an order of steps necessary to become aware of this physical world, and that this does not exist on this earth means that the development of life is stagnant and the system imposed on this earth, that which has been created by man is in fact inflexible and thus not in sinc with life as what this earth is and gives unconditionally.

I commit my self to stating again and again and again that it is known that the human physical body is able to be developed in common sense and that the only thing stopping this is ideas, beliefs and opinions held by the mind as the life of the mind is believed to be greater than the life of this physical world, when IN fact it is this physical world that support the mind, thus the physical world is what is real and the mind is only a system of illusion and separation from life.

I commit my self to exposing how the present use of money that represents the resources of this earth renders the human physical body inflexible as it creates personalities as label of what the human is in oder to have the human fit into roles to support profit and inequality instead of using the resource of this earth to support the human physical body to become equal and one with this physical world through walking the ordinariness of becoming aware of self as life in using the physical world to allow the development of common sense in and as life here.

Day 37 Age of innocence?

Day 37 Age of Innocence

I have had an image in my head lately of my self as a child wrapping my arms around my father’s neck. A behavior I enjoy with men, I have always likes the neck. Seems this is still with me, a place of comfort. A place to hide? As this is what is here as a memory as a picture, in my conscious mind.

I look to this memory, I bring this here. THere it was , it was like I was pretending something - and while reading another process blog this word pretend jumped out at me, I had a pain jump up in my chest and I re-read the sentence I had just read, and “pretend” jumped out. Then came the image “of the day” - so to speak.

When in fear, when the being of my self as “not looking” or seeing my self not being in common sense, as knowing I am not looking or pretending, tending to something other than actually looking at what is here, this act from childhood remains, even though I have no idea what specifically lead me to seek this comfort, this act of seeking comfort remains. Was I just wanting the energetic high of comfort/attention/drama?

Meanwhile the underlying fear here with my self has been about money. When I face tuition payments and changes financially I tend to stall making decisions, like I want to escape to the bitter end and then organize. I measure how much time I have and then make the decision, a careful procrastination. And then I want something to hide in, to avoid making a decision. The caution is not so much the problem, things must be looked at, it is the worry and the escape added onto this that is unnecessary and it only drags me down when this time could be used within clarity instead of a hazy anxiety where I imagine worse case scenarios. I have done this so many times, like clockwork, which is what the mind does, it works like a clock, ticking away as anxiety if I accept and allow it. I can’t make decisions within this state and thus it is no wonder I want to hide. One behavior precipitates the other, and both are clutter. Stop.

Some of the financial decisions I have to make cannot be made in this moment as I do not have all the answers, so I have to let it go and look at what i can do here in this moment. The answers will come and be seen more clearly if I am not lost in worry and I will accomplish a lot more. Plus, I won’t need to hide in a damsel in distress drama as I am not inferior seeking a superior as an idea based on a story line, instead I use the physical world in practical common sense. 

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I am anxious and fearful I relive actions I learned as a child, to seek comfort from a man, as my mother was not especially fond of taking care of babies, which she has stated many times, and it was my father that was there when I was really young.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize this image in and as my mind was what came up after months of self forgiveness, where I, as this memory, am aware of my self being comforted by my father and also aware of my self doing this as some kind of drama, yet this action as hiding from a fear remains, and so when I am here as an adult I tend to continue to do this, to want to run and hide in the comfort of a man when I am anxious and worried.

I forgive my self for not realizing that this is a burden for the man and for my self as is not a solution to fear and anxiety.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect this comfort from fear to intimacy with men.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have created a habit of seeking attention from men when I feel anxious, even though I am aware that I do this, and at times I have stopped my self as it does not solve any problems and many times men simply do not have the answers, or the support seems unnecessary, I continue to have this come up in instances of anxiety, where the present system on this earth is of the need for money to sustain oneself on an earth that gives unconditionally where men have signed  ownership to the resources of this earth, imposing a system of conditioned support within a false creation/belief of lack.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to relate my fears to the role of my self as a woman where I believe I am dependent on men and must seek council and comfort from men instead of using common sense and directing my self to look and realize what is practical here, and within this utilize the principle of what is best for all and the application of breath, to keep my self here and out of the mind, as becoming separate from what is physically here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to give up my past and place my self here in common sense, without fear of loss, as there is nothing to lose being here, yet, as I have experienced, there is something to lose if I allow my self to become anxious and seek comfort as a habit, within the arms of a man

I commit my self to stopping my self from going into anxiety and fear about money and to breath, to realize that at the moment i cannot make decisions as the tuition bills for my sons have not yet arrived so all I have is to be cautions and practical with finances.

I commit my self to stopping my self from wondering off into anxiety and fear and to in common sense look at what is here this month and that next month I will have a better idea of where I stand in terms of finances.

I commit my self to following  what I have outlined to complete on my home and to spend time everyday within the desteni process as this is what I am able to walk in the moment.

I commit my self to focusing on what is here, and to not wonder off in my mind , as my mind is built of the past and based on judgements within a hierarchy of stagnant labels and limited insight, an accepted separation of being here, where, as in my memory as a child, there is no answer to being here in common sense of what is here, where what is here is life, and as life, everything that is here is equal and one, and all the actions around me are me as it is the actions and the movements that are the being of life, where action becomes of absolute purpose when the principle of what is best for all is applied and thus here is the direction as what is best for all is best for self.

Day 36 Worry about my Children

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to worry about my children.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel as though I cannot move, as all that I can do is clean up what has been taught to my children.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that worrying about my children is not going to change the system that exists that is the cause of worry and fear, a system that locks workers into their jobs in fear of survival even when the workers know what they do within their jobs is not what is best for all, where within this each must stand and politically support a change within the present system, as protest will not change this system, where it will take organization and a vote to change what is unacceptable as a system that places value on money, where the real value is life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am responsible for my children

I forgive my self  for allowing and accepting my self to have become frustrated with my father, when i talked about children as I have done with others I get adults who just go into reminiscing about how special their children were when their children were young, as though something happened but all the adults do is remain within that singular thought and do not realize what i am saying, because these parents do not realize that there was a change and somehow these children have not lived up to their potential, and why is this, what happened, what happened to these adults as themselves from the time they were young to the time that they became adults, what changed, what happened, where if they took the time to stop and look at the changes within themselves and really investigated the consequences of their own lives they might begin to understand what happened to that potential that was in their children when they were young.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to worry about my children, when the one thing that is going to allow my children to exist in the full potential that they are as life will mean changing this system of capitalism/socialism/communism - all centralized regimes, these games of survival and competition and greed to a world where all life is valued where all life is lived as life being the value, where the expression of life can be what is on this earth and not what presently exists, where many many children grow up to sit behind a desk and push papers all day which is not a life.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to  realize that there are children in China, baby girls tied to chairs all day not being allowed to move and self discover themselves because of a society that refuses to change, refuses to value the girls, refuses to create a system that allows life to be lived in dignity where the boys and the girls are allowed to develop themselves as life, to become and live the potential existent and evident when the children are young, this that is somehow lost as the children become adults.

I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to become aware of the children in Romania, where the economic situation was so depressed that aid sent for the homeless and orphaned children was taken by the workers in the institutions to feed and care for their own children, and that any adult in this world that accepts this, any politician that accepts this and does not investigate options to stop such practices needs to realize that it is the system that is here that is not working that is not taking care of this world, as this world is not taken care of until every single thing on this earth is allowed to live a life of dignity.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not stop listening to what the system speaks, through education, through the media, through text books through the parents, as  the parents are products of the media, the education system, the product of politicians who are bought by money, where money is considered before life, and within this realize that it is this system of profit that does not work, does not take care of this earth, that abuses this earth through inconsiderate behavior that is the opposite of what this earth is, this earth that is in fact unconditionally giving.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to try and make excuses for how this world works, to not read about cancer, to know that most cancer tumors are filled with pesticides, that the oceans are filled with plastic, that there are animals dying, becoming extinct as the human can only think about getting money, which is telling in and of itself, this system that creates the desire to have money, this same system that allows endless abuse and the non development of children.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not stop and look at what is happening in this world, to see, realize and understand that it is I the human who is the cause of what exists on this planet.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that the medical system in America is not in fact curing people of disease, despite the endless charity work, where I have not even investigated where exactly the money gathered by charitable events goes, have not investigated in depth how numbers in research are manipulated, where relative values and absolute values are manipulated, where I am told a number that I accept as fact not realizing that it is a relative value where the relatives made are not disclosed, where if they were I would realize that when I am told that my child will have a 50 % chance of survival, what is really being said is that my child has a 2 % chance of survival, and in the end this is the fault of a system that I have accepted and allowed as I have not investigated what is in fact real within a system that values money over life, where money is the first consideration.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not stop and look at why so many children rebel when they become teen agers, where these children are life, and thus this rebellion is an indication that something is wrong, because this is life rebelling, this is life unable to express itself, and thus the system on this earth is not developing life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that as a parent if I am worry about my child than there is something wrong with what is on this earth, as having to worry about my children is indicative that this world is not supporting life.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the system on this earth must change and the answer has always been here right in front of all of us, the ‘giving as you would life to receive” a system that is the practice of unconditionally giving and that such a system would change the nature of the human, as what the human is know is a reflection of a system of inequality, a system that values money before life.

I commit my self to researching what is happening on this earth.

i commit my self to reading and watching documentaries about the health systems, about the educations systems. about advertising practices, about laws being passed, about the practices of banks and loans made by the International Monetary Fund.

I commit my self to investigating what interest lending means beyond what I have been taught.

I commit my self to move beyond momentary feelings of sadness about the state of the world to realize that being a momentary feeling of sadness is just his, a momentary feeling of sadness and not what in fact creates a world that is best for all.

I commit my self to standing up and supporting a system that is as this earth, unconditionally giving and supportive of life, as life is the value, where giving as I would like to receive is lived in fact, and equal money system.

I commit my self to investigating and Equal Money System and to realize that it is not communism, or socialism, as these were one and the same to capitalism, a centralized government creating a belief in a lack of resource through proposing supply and demand, and thus a belief in lack, where in fact this earth has the capacity to support all life, where if I investigated this, I would realize that practices that utilize this earth efficiently are available but are not used because such practices are not profitable.

Equal Money

Burzynski

A century of self

The Secret of OZ

The Soul of Money

Confessions of an Economic Hitman

Life Review - the Path of Money