Thursday, December 19, 2013

Day 479 Watching Autism in My World. What is Mind Consciousness?

I sat with an autistic boy this week and worked with him. I had to sit very close to him, and because I have had some experience with Autism, that being physically close to the child can be disturbing to the autistic child, I stopped for a moment and said to the autistic child, that I would probably touch them to 1. remind them to sit up straight and 2. because I was in such close proximity to them. They immediately said that I could not touch them. So, I said, okay, how about this, on a scale from one to ten, and I asked for their hand, which they did not give, so I went on, and showed them with my own hands gaging what I wanted to show, is it okay if I touch you with a “ two intensity.” Immediately, before I even finished what I was saying, their hand was right there  on mine, a very directive action, and they showed me the intensity with which I could “ touch” them, because I was sitting very close and working with them. That touch was so directed, so steady, so clear. As I worked with this person, I noticed that if my shoulder brushed theirs, for example, they would immediately reach up and touch themselves where this happened. And I realized I was being overly careful and hesitant. I did not have that very direct “ touch” as physical connection in a moment when working with someone in close proximity that that person showed me. It is hard to explain how “ here” that touch was, but it was not hesitant in any way. And yet within this, what I realized within this one movement, so directed, that this autistic person had the ability to connect in common sense with this physical world, despite the constant voice of positive reinforcement statements coming out in a timed and conssitent manner, which is probably what this boy had heard all his life, to ostensively “ keep them going,” like giving a “ positive” as a directive instead of a direction that was bringing connection to common sense here within building something within this anxious person that was directive, equal to awareness and understanding of physical reality.
I say this, because within working with this boy, I remember watching my twin sister’s autistic son, my nephew, grow from infancy into a preteen.
I remember having the impression, that the behavior of my nephew was a display of all the anxiety of my sister, and my parents in many ways. It was like seeing the physical twitches and emotional duress of my parents and sister compounded. I also remember not saying anything because to look this way is considered “ unpositive” “ impolite” like drawing attention to what is “ bad” is not allowed. I mean we all do this, we romanticize the movements of ourselves and make them huge, to push away the “ bad” the constriction, the frustrated expression, instead of looking at the movement of what is happening in detail, which is right there in front of us. I mean, I was seeing the unconscious fears as judgements being exhibited by my nephew and somehow realizing what was happening and I was my own limitation based on beliefs of what is socially acceptable to be expressed. And I remember feeling trapped, within this, like I could not say what I wanted to say, because I had not learned to stand stable within what I was seeing, I had allowed the separation, as mind to be the only conduit of communication, and I could not find a way to fit what I sensed. In effect, I was the same as that autistic child, only but a different configuration ( and I am not saying that I understood all the details at the time, as having the structure immediately at hand to explain myself into an explanation with my sister). I remember standing there staring at this compounded neurosis of my family, and thinking this was of consequence and not a “ disease” so to speak as an idea. In any event, working with this boy brought all of this back.
And even here, the years I watched this in my nephew, were the years directly after the death of my husband, a time where I was what I considered numb for about five years, which research shows that “ tragedy” can have an impact for five years or so. So, here I was, numb, and sometimes even saying to myself and asking others, “ I have a problem, I am indifferent to so much of what is going on.” And I think that it was in this state that such things as looking at my nephew from a “ daze” of indifference, of having nothing defining me because I had lost what was defining me, that I had moments of just accepting what was here, as the total of what has been accepted and allowed by men as mind, as limited values made bigger than life, and as such turned into a reality that is metaphysical, superstitious, imposed on what is real, which is physical reality. And, even here, there was a move to “ care” and resolve this.  I could not accept what was here, and within this I could not exactly explain what was here, and I had to find out, what was going on, and so I found desteni. It is like they are explaining what I sensed, in my state of indifference. And even here, it took me some time, and is a continual process, of not allowing this experience to become an idea, a directive, a self definition. What needs be done in the end, is correct the separation, bring it back to equality as equal movement with physical reality, as in including physical reality as being as much life as the human, all of it. It is to be a direct movement with the physical, here.
Within this, to realize that an autistic child, underneath all the chaos of compounded generational separation into idea before life - which is movement equal and one in consideration with physical existence, is life. The life as the natural expression of the child  is there, the mind as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind, is not equal to physical reality, and yet because that child exists, and as such is the substance of life, that child can be walked back into alignment with common sense. it is there, underneath the spinning information, manifest as nervous ticks and programmed words of what is essentially hope on the part of the parents as statements of “ positive reinforcement” as “ I am an ace” or similar,  which in total, is the informing as an idea of good, without any practical application as giving structure to the child to enable them to direct in common sense, here. This action is in the realm of doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome. A snake eating its own tale/tail.
And, because all those impulsed ideas of good are reverberating with as the mind of the child, as the program as sound as the parents hoping, to change this is going to take patience, and yet this can be done.
When learning something new, and I have done this many times in teaching children to play the violin, and as myself, one has to slow down and practice focusing here, looking past the voices in the head, and see directly here, each movement in detail. To start this, there is a lot of resistance naturally, because one is going against a constructed belief system as mind in a busy world where parents do not have the time to slow down, because they were born into the same situation that had a starting point of not being equal in understanding of physical reality in detail. So, slowing down will be met with resistance. Yet, this simply need be walked, and slowly built, and once moving, will begin to exponentially move forward. Remember learning something, even a new language, the beginning is really slow, almost painful, and then as the words accumulate one starts to move faster, and then after a while if one keeps going, it is easier to remember more words, and eventually the language is learned, and it begins to be fun to speak. Thus, changing oneself, one step at a time is possible, and because this change is possible, this means we as humans are very mutable, and with structure we can change, we need only walk past the resistance as what is the construct we have accepted as mind.
Our autistic children are really a gift in many ways, because they are showing us the degree of separation from ourselves as being life, as being the very substance and source of creation as life, that is able to form in equality to and with physical existence, to include all life here. That, changing our state as a constitution as mind, simply means walking/moving in equalizing ourselves in common sense to reality, realizing that slowing down will be met with resistance but with persistence redirection, in this case to become equal in understanding, can be done. What may seem like a mountain, is not a mountain, what may seem painful is simply resistance - and this is but a thin veil as standing before a movement and bringing it back into a self directed stability with the physical world, which means accepting and including all life.
So, humans have structure through sound, through words. If our children have a broad vocabulary, that has absolute values, without emotional/feeling values as a fear of loss as a threat as an idea as a gloom and doom “ what if” or a positive idea as a “ good” being used to substantiate a child, then the child becomes this idea instead of being equal in detailed movement with what is physically real, as we cannot live without physical needs and we cannot direct ourselves unless we are equal to understanding the actual physical world, because we are physical beings. Thus, a child not having words that are many and of clear meaning, the ability of the child to direct is limited and stagnant. And with ideas of good and bad, the child falls into this instead of equal connection to what is real in total, meaning what includes all that is here, all that exists.
Within this, as parents are so busy with an ideological world, a hierarchy, and trying to survive within this, and overwhelmed with a dialogue as ideas, as good and bad, taking the time to realize this consequence of separation is very difficult, as this slowing down is met with resistance emotionally. So, the parent can use technology, that which we have externalized as our innate abilities, to aid in building structure within the child, to still the limitations of good and bad, into and as equal understanding and thus self directive capacity to moving with and equal to what is us as the venue of physical existence which is what allows us expression as life. I am sure that many parents of autistic children, realize the life that is the unique expression of their child, and somehow, the disconnect of that being expressed is frustrating, but it can be done and it is only a process of taking the steps to structure the child into having the words with absolute values to stabilize within a common sense as a direct seeing of physical reality. And, that this is not as difficult as one may believe. If a process exists, it can be walked.
Just as learning to play the violin is taking the measure of becoming equal physically to it and how it functions, without judgement of good and bad, so too can a child, an adult, become equal and one in thought, word and deed, as the words we know without added values, but absolute values, can we, and our children equalize in common sense of what is around us, as the physical, as this is what is right in front of us, as life, and as this, this is what is real. Then can we, as that autistic child become a direction of absolute purpose with every breath, instead of tiny moments of some measure of clear communication buried in a sea of behaviors that are instead a measure as idea of good or bad.

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